Tag Archives: Germany

May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

April 8, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. According to a new report, volunteers cleaning up trash from a New Jersey beach picked up 565 condoms last year. That’s crazy, how can you figure out what’s trash and what’s just a part of New Jersey? 

2. The owners of Krispy Kreme recently admitted to a family history that includes ties to the Nazi party in Germany.“Well I’m definitely gonna eat there more often now,” said Steve Bannon every day for the pasty twenty years. 

3. On Tuesday Connecticut Huskies women’s basketball head coach Geno Auriemma said, “The majority of coaches in America are afraid of their players.” “No shit,” said Bill Belichick:

4. On Monday, Pope Francis repeatedly withdrew his right hand as a long line of people bowed and tried to kiss the ring on it. Said the Pope, “Lower.”

5. According to a new study, combining sex and drugs is common among all genders and sexual orientations, with people in Britain most likely to engage in the practice. That story again, the Queen gets turnt: 

6. Brooklyn Councilman Robert Cornegy, who measures 6-foot-10-inches, was named world’s tallest politician. A record that will stand until Donald Trump’s next physical.

7. A University of Hartford student has been charged with attempted murder after he stabbed two of his classmates while re-enacting a movie scene for a drama class. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like he’s a shoe-in for the part of Officer Nordburg in the university’s production of ‘The Naked Gun’:

8. A lawyer for former New York Knick and current Dallas Maverick Kristaps Porzingis said Monday that a woman accusing him of rape is lying in an attempt to extort the Latvian basketball star by running his name through the mud. Said Porzingis, “I’ll pay whatever it takes, I just don’t want this to get out, people can’t know I was once a Knick.”

9. A hotel in England has launched so-called “lemoga” class which allows guests to do yoga in a room filled with lemur monkeys. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to do hot yoga, but still wants the smell.

10. Justin Bieber has apologized for joking about his wife being pregnant on April Fools’ Day after drawing criticism from some who felt it was insensitive to those dealing with fertility issues. It was also insensitive to those people who are very scared of there being more Biebers in the world. 

11. A court in Michigan this week ruled that giving a police officer the middle finger is an act of free speech. Said one officer upon seeing a black guy flick him off, “HE’S GOT A GUN!”

12. The Kremlin said on Monday, Russia is ready to improve ties with the United States but it is up to Washington to make the first move. Luckily, ’making the first move’ is one of Trump’s specialities:

13. A South Carolina man was arrested after driving around a college campus not wearing pants. So heads up Oregon Duck:

14. In a recent op-ed, George Conway, husband of White House advisor Kellyanne Conway, says that, despite the findings of the Mueller Report, President Trump is unfit for the office. Other thing Trump is unfit for: marriage, fatherhood, an size extra-large shirts:

15. This week, comedian Volodymyr Zelensky took the lead in Ukraine’s presidential elections. “What’s it like to have a president who people laugh at on purpose?” said every Americans.

16. Former Speaker Paul Ryan said Tuesday that he doesn’t believe freshman Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez listened much to the advice he gave her about being a member of the House. So I guess she’ll have to figure out how to retire in disgrace by her mid-forties all on her own.

17. Congressional Democrats raised questions on Wednesday about security at President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida after a Chinese woman carrying electronic devices bluffed her way through security checks last weekend. Said Trump, “Even worse, they let Eric in.”

18. White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow on Wednesday said the United States has plans to rapidly revitalize the Venezuelan economy, including financial and food planning as well as getting cash to people in the country. “Cool,” said the people of Puerto Rico.

19. On Friday, President Trump said he has the right to read the Mueller Report, but has not done so as of yet. He hasn’t gotten around to it yet because he’s already in the middle of another book:

20. According to a new poll, nearly half of all Americans still believe President Trump worked with Russia to interfere in the 2016 presidential election. That surprising statistic again, a majority of people believe Donald Trump actually worked.

March 18, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. This week, Scotland’s worst serial killer Angus Sinclair died at the age of 73. He is survived by his ‘to-do’ list.

2. It has been announced that there will be a new emoji to represent interracial couples. So, if you thought your grandfather were confused by emojis before…

3. A German yachtsman who was knocked overboard credited his jeans with saving his life after fashioning them into a make-shift life jacket that kept him afloat for over three hours. That story again, at this point, Jay Leno is basically half fish: 

4. A Texas couple has a started a company that sells beer for dogs. Or, as it’s more commonly known, Michelob Lite.

5. A British company has introduced a wearable penis camera. So gone are the days of having to tape a GoPro to your balls.

6. According to a new report, the average city bus in New York City travels just 6.4 miles per hour, which transit researchers have pointed out is nearly 2 miles per hour slower than a rat can sprint. “That’s why we take the subway to work,” said business rats:

7. This week, NASA said that the first person on Mars will most likely be a woman. “Fuck,” said Dr. John Gray:

8. According to newly released emails, Rudy Giuliani reassured Michael Cohen in an April 2018 email that Cohen could “sleep well tonight” because he had “friends in high places.” Which means one of two things, Giuliani was dangling a presidential pardon or he was once again stuck in a tree:

9. Toyota announced plans to send an electric car to the moon by 2029. The way it will work is the driver will enter “Flagstaff, Arizona” into Apple Maps GPS and then follow the directions.

10. “Full House” actress Lori Loughlin appeared in federal court in Los Angeles on Wednesday to face charges of taking part in a scheme in which dozens of wealthy parents are accused of paying for their children to cheat their way into prestigious universities. And yet somehow Dave Coulier still walks around a free man.

11. Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort read a statement during his sentencing hearing this week asking the judge for leniency so he can spend time with his wife. Said the judge, “Don’t worry, where you’re going, you’ll be the wife”:

12. Senator Cory Booker all but guaranteed at a campaign event on Friday that he will pick a woman as his running mate if he wins his party’s nomination. “It sounds good in theory,” said the ghost of John McCain.

13. Actress Rosario Dawson, whose film credits include “Rent” and “Men in Black II,” has confirmed reports she is dating presidential candidate Cory Booker. Not to be confused with President Trump’s actress girlfriend who stared in “Bent” and “II Black Men”:

14. According to a new study women who gain more weight than recommended while pregnant may increase their chances for serious complications at delivery. As do the husbands who point that fact out to their pregnant wives.

February 11, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. This week, democratic presidential candidate Corey Booker revealed that he has a girlfriend. Which came as a big surprise to everyone including his wife.

2. According to a new study, eye contact is not needed to have a good conversation. “What’s eye contact?” asked Dolly Parton. 

3. A woman in Germany is reportedly in love with an airplane. And, if it’s a Malaysian Airlines airplane, she’s a very lucky woman, because those planes always go down. 

4. Last week, police arrested a man after he pulled his car to the side of the road and started having sex with. Said the man as the cop pulled up in his Dodge Charger police cruiser, “Oh, a threesome!”

5. Delta has introduced a plane that features windows inside its bathrooms. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines bought a new bucket:

6. President Trump was declared “in very good health” by the White House physician on Friday after four hours of examinations. The same can’t be said of the doctor: 

7. President Trump’s inaugural committee said it had received a subpoena on Monday from the Manhattan U.S. Attorney’s Office to determine how it spent the $107 million it raised. Well, Trump’s inauguration featured the band 3 Doors Down, so now they just have to figure out what happened to the remaining $106,999,950?

8. This week Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos published an article on Medium.com claiming that he was blackmailed by the National Enquirer, which he said threatened to publisher semi-nude selfies of him. Word of advice Jeff, if you’re write an article about your junk, maybe don’t publisher in an online magazine entitled “Medium.” Should has pushed for “XXL.” 

9. According to reports, airing a commercial during last week’s Super Bowl cost companies $5.25 million dollars for a 30 second spot. So I can only imagine what that three hour commercial for Ambien cost:

10. Last week a senior White House official said President Trump has been able to maintain his tan complexion despite the winter weather due to “good genes.” That story again, a man who went through four years of college, two years of grad school, multiple thankless jobs, an extensive interview process, countless background checks just to secure a prestigious position in the White House was forced to lie last week to cover up the fact that a 72-year-old man uses bronzer.

11. According to a new study, men who live near heavily used roads have a harder time achieving an erection. And, in an unrelated story, Melania was seen dragging her bed into the middle of 5th Avenue today.

12. President Trump’s State of the Union speech Tuesday night lasted over an hour and twenty minutes. But, as with most things, after just one minute, Melania closed her eyes, went to her happy place, and prayed for it to be over soon.

13. Embattled Virginia Governor Ralph Northam has reportedly told staffers that he is worried about stepping down and being labeled a racist for life. “There’s a label? Then why did I get this tattoo?” asked Jeff Sessions:

14. Woody Allen sued Amazon on Thursday over their decision to abandon a four-picture deal with the director. And, even though Allen was the plaintiff in the case because he sued Amazon, he stood up, out of habit, when the judge said “Will the defendant please rise.”

15. According to Forbes, the New York Knicks are the most valuable NBA franchise at $4 billion. That story again, Forbes has not watched a lot of basketball recently.

16. Last week, Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman appeared on the Ellen Degeneres Show to shave his beard. It was the longest segment to feature a beard since that time John Travolta showed up on Ellen’s couch with his wife Kelly Preston.

June 15, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. According to handwriting experts, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s signature, penned on a historic agreement with President Trump on Tuesday, indicates his ambition and creativity. While Trump’s signature indicates that he forgot to take the cap off the pen:

2. A lesbian-led event called the Dyke March will be held next Saturday in New York City. Which answers the question of why it was so easy to book a softball field in Central Park that weekend.

3. It was announced this week that there will be a sequel to the 1980 horror movie ‘The Shining.’ The announcement was made by Roman Polanski to a 13-year-old girl he was trying to fuck.

4. A teacher in Pennsylvania was fired this week for taking bribes from her students in exchange for better grades. But, in the teacher’s defense, she was teaching AP Government.

5. There is a Japanese pop group that is composed of men all over the age of 80. The name of the band is “Get Those New Kids Off My Block.”

6. President Trump on Saturday accused Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of making “false statements” about Trump. In fact. Trudeau made so many false statements about the president, Trump is considering naming him his personal physician:

7. Porsche announced this week that its first electric car will be called the Taycan. As in, “My penis is very small so I’ll be taycan this car.”

8. According to ‘Politico,’ President Trump has a habit of tearing up documents when he’s finished and there is a White House staffer whose sole job is to tape them back together. “Does that mean someone has my birthday card?” asked Don. Jr.

9. Sunday night, actor Robert DeNiro said “Fuck Trump,” during the live broadcast of the Tony Awards. Then, out of habit, after hearing those two words together on TV, Michael Cohen paid DeNiro $130,000.

10. During Sunday night’s Tony Awards, actor Robert DeNrio proclaimed “Fuck Trump,’ but CBS cut it out of the broadcast. If only the person who made that decision was also the editor for “Dirty Grandpa”:

11. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to Singapore for his meeting with President Trump to prevent intelligence officials from getting information on his health. Although, if you need to take a toilet with you wherever you go, I think I know all I need to know about your health.

12. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to this week’s summit with President Trump in Singapore. Ahh, the freedom to poop wherever you want, or, as it’s more commonly known, the New York City subway.

13. President Trump said on Tuesday North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had made an “unwavering commitment” to the complete denuclearization of the Korean peninsula. And Trump knows how strong an unwavering commitment can be:

14. After their historic meeting in Singapore, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump signed a joint statement. The statement was a proclamation of friendship, a promise to work together and a demand that the McRib be a year-round thing.

15. A Silicon Valley entrepreneur has proposed breaking up California into three states. Now comes the hard part, figuring out which part gets stuck with the Clippers.

16. Yesterday was President Trump’s birthday. To celebrate, Donald took the day off from work for the last 509 days:

17. According to ‘The New York Post’, former Mayor Rudy Giuliani has been bragging to friends about having an affair with a married woman who he allegedly claims has “big boobs.” That story again, Rudy Giuliani has a cousin with really big knockers.

18. Scientists in Germany have developed a humanoid robot that hugs humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. They are still working out the kinks:

19. Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to deliver hugs to humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Because I can’t think off anything less stressful than being hugged against my will by a German robot.

May 18, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Meghan Markle’s father, Thomas Markle, will not attend his daughter’s wedding to Prince Harry ON Saturday. Harry’s mom will also not be attending, but she has a better excuse.

2. Monday was Facebook founder’s Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. What do you get the guy who has everything, apparently your social security number.

3. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. So I stand corrected, a degree from Hunter College can be even more worthless than I previously thought.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken locations in the U.K. will sell a commemorative chicken bucket in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding. So if you like greasy, fried chicken and you like elaborate, gaudy weddings, hi President Trump:

5. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “So, the gas is on the right?” asked Melania.

6. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. In what I can only assume is an elaborate prank to hear Vin Diesel try to pronounce ‘honorary degree.’

7. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “That brings me back,” said the woman driving away from prison as her car went over a speed-bump.

8. Over the weekend, boxer Floyd Mayweather won $100,000 by hitting the jackpot while playing video poker in Las Vegas. It’s the most amount of money Mayweather has ever won for the least amount of work since he fought Pacquiao.

9. Actress Salma Hayek, a vocal supporter of the MeToo movement, said on Sunday male actors should get paid less. “Wait, you guys are being paid for this?” said Keanu.

10. During his speech on Monday at the new US embassy in Israel, Jared Kushner praised President Trump for recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Next up for Trump, recognizing Tiffany:

11. According to newly released documents, an intermediary for a Russian oligarch and associates of President Trump coordinated responses to revelations of a Trump Tower meeting where Don Jr. expected to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. It’s just like in every movies, after something terrible happens, all the innocent people get together and say, “Okay, let’s get our stories straight.”

12. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt said on Wednesday that he now has a legal fund in place to help him fight off a growing list of alleged ethical missteps. Added Pruitt in a hushed voice, “But don’t tell the IRS.”

13. This week, the White House announced the elimination of the position of cyber security coordinator. “So does that mean my job application was rejected?” asked Pladimir Vutin:

14. Politico has published an article profiling the members of Congress who play video games. Said those member of Congress, “Please don’t tell Ted Cruz”:

15. According to Senate testimony, President Trump’s former aide Steve Bannon sought to use personal information collected online to promote “a culture war.” Other places that cultures are doing battle, Bannon’s face:

16. According to a new study, people with schizophrenia who are treated early may do better than others. “You’re just saying that” ”No, I think it’s true” “Not a chance” said one guy.

17. This week, American Airlines announced that passengers will no longer be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats, or spiders on board flights. While, Spirit Airlines has gone a different route:

18. On Thursday, a top court in Germany ruled that beer cannot be marketed as beneficial. “We beg to differ,” said ugly people.

19. NASA said on Friday it will send a small helicopter to Mars as part of a 2020 mission. NASA said the best way to send a helicopter to Mars is book a ticket on Southwest that supposed to land in Omaha.

20. According to a new study, married people may be more likely to spot deadly skin cancer sooner than their unmarried counterparts. So good news older single people who never found the love of their lives, you’ll be dead soon.

March 23, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson ripped Colin Kaepernick’s “bad choice of attacking the flag.” And by that I assume Simpson means Kaepernick should have attacked the flag and a waiter.

2. Over the weekend, 100-year-old Orville Rogers set a world record for the fastest 60 meters race for a man over 100. He also set the record for ‘Youngest Orville.’

3. Denmark said Thursday it will build a 43.5 mile fence on its German border to keep out wild boars that carry a deadly infection. And, President Trump is such a bad negotiator, America is somehow paying for it.

4. Mall staple Claire’s has filed for bankruptcy. “Look, I did my part,” said this guy:

5. According to reports, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James once gained seven pounds during a playoff game. “I’ve never heard of such a thing,” said New York Knicks players, “what are these playoffs you speak of?”

6. A new poll found that a majority of Americans believe that the government is spying on them. Said Ivanka, “Especially when I taking a shower”:

7. Buffalo Bills wide receiver Zay Jones was arrested Monday night after he got into a fight with his brother, Cayleb, while naked. How embarrassing to be publicly identified as a Buffalo Bill.

8. This week, the last male northern white rhino died in Kenya leaving just two female members of the species. Said one female rhino to the other, “I guess we should learn how to play softball.”

9. According to reports, former top Trump aide Steve Bannon oversaw the controversial and possibly illegal collection of Facebook data by research company Cambridge Analytica. Which explains why the data was covered in the mustard stains and puss.

10. According to a polygraph report from 2011, Stormy Daniels was “truthful about having unprotected vaginal intercourse with Donald Trump in July 2006.” And I honestly can’t think of anything more irresponsible than having unprotected sex AFTER having Eric and Don Jr:

11. According to reports, Donald Trump Jr. had an affair with ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Aubrey O’Day in 2011. Which means O’Day did the previously unthinkable, she made appearing on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ the second most embarrassing Trump-related thing on her resume.

12. According to reports, Donald Trump Jr.’s wife Vanessa found out about her husband’s affair with ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Aubrey O’Day by going thought his phone while he was in the shower. “That doesn’t happen if you make them watch you take a shower,” said Harvey Weinstein.

13. This week, President Trump said he will get together with Russian President Vladimir Putin “in the not-too-distant future” to “discuss the arms race.” Presumably because he’s already lost the hands race:

14. On Wednesday, South Korean President Moon raised the possibility of three-way talks between North Korea, South Korea and the U.S. Said Trump, “I have the perfect U.S. representative for a three-way”:

15. On Thursday, The New York Giants traded defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, who lost a few fingers in a fireworks explosion, to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Pierre-Paul was so excited about the deal he gave it half a thumb up, which is his highest rating.

16. It was announced this week that actor Shia LeBouef will play his own father in a movie about him. It’s all part of LeBouef goal to make the most unwatchable movie ever.

17. White House Chief of Staff John Kelly assured aides to President Trump on Friday that no immediate personnel changes were in the works. “Define ‘immediate,’” said Bob Mueller.

18. Taco Bell is now selling a Strawberry Skittles Freeze slushie drink, made with real Skittles. It’s perfect for anyone who loves Skittles but always thought chewing was too much exercise.

December 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. According to a recent report, President Trump watches up to eight hours of TV a day. But, in Trump’s defense, sometimes Blue’s clues are tricky and he has to re-watch an entire episode to figure it out.

2. A Massachusetts man is accused of catching a 400-pound tuna out of season and then dumping the carcass in the woods. A Massachusetts man killed something by pulling it out of the water, or as it’s know around those parts, a reverse Ted Kennedy.

3. A New York man who ran naked across the field during a Buffalo Bills blowout loss was sentenced to 25 hours of community service and $400 in fines. Although the man got off easy since the other option the judge was considering was forcing him to attend another Bills game.

4. Special Counsel Robert Mueller unveiled evidence showing that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort violated a gag order by ghost-writing an article to bolster his public image. Although I can’t think of anything Manafort could write that would bolster his image, unless, of course, it’s his own obit.

5. Google has begun offering a new search feature that shows videos of celebrities answering commonly asked questions about themselves. For instance, Kim Kardashian claims her butt is real, Will Ferrell confirms that he can play the drums and Richard Gere says he’s never even owned a hamster.

6. Last week, Orthodox Jewish singer Yonatan Razel blindfolded himself with duct tape to avoid seeing female fans dancing in the audience. Razel’s wife called him “very religious” while Ray Charles called him “fucking ungrateful.”

7. An Arizona woman was arrested last week on suspicion of DUI after driving down the highway the wrong way, dancing on top of her car and stealing a kid’s scooter to try to make a getaway. Which explains Arizona’s new state motto; “Your move, Florida.”

8. Authorities say an Idaho man tried to crash his car into a courthouse in downtown Boise because he was upset with the court system. Which, I guess means Billy Joel was upset with his neighbor’s pool.

9. Twitter is hosting an event next month that will feature only high-profile female speakers. To prepare, Vice President Pence has already barricaded himself in his bomb shelter.

10. On Monday, chef Mario Batali announced that he is stepping away from his restaurant business and TV show amid allegations of sexual misconduct, saying he is “deeply sorry” for any pain or humiliation he has caused. That surprising story again, a guy who wears orange crocs everyday has the capacity to feel shame.

11. An Egyptian court jailed a singer for two years on Tuesday for inciting debauchery after she appeared in a music video in her underwear and suggestively eating a banana. Or, as Paris Hilton calls it, a career.

12. A 31-year-old teacher in Texas was arrested Tuesday following an alleged relationship with a minor she reportedly met while volunteering at church. But, on the plus-side, that kid is definitely gonna believe in God now.

13. On Tuesday night, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore lost the Alabama special Senate election after riding a horse to the polling place earlier in the day. But, since this is the South, Alabama has already built a monument featuring Moore on that horse to memorialize his defeat.

14. According to reports, former-Today Show host Matt Lauer, who was fired due to sexual harassment allegations, plans to disappear from the public eye by playing golf and living in the Hamptons. So, that’ll teach him.

15. Experts say that Alabama Senate hopeful Roy Moore lost the election because of write-in candidates. That crazy story again, there are people in Alabama who can write.

16. On Wednesday, an Airbus plane in Germany, took a route that mapped out the image of a Christmas tree that could be clearly seen on flight radar sites. Upon hearing the news, Delta asked “what’s the point?” while Malaysia Airlines asked “what’s a radar?”

17. Roy Moore refused to concede the Alabama Senate race Tuesday night, saying, “God is always in control.” Adding, “Well God and Reggie Bradshaw, head of security at the Westlake Mall in Gadsen, Alabama.

18. According to reports, after being fired, Omarosa Manigault Newman had to be forcibly removed from the White House by Secret Service. Secret Service said it was a nice change of pace to drag a woman against her will AWAY from the White House:

19. A baby in the U.K., born with her heart outside her body, survived a surgery this week to insert it back into her chest. Not to be outdone, Paul Ryan has been living for 47 years without a backbone.

20. A convicted pedophile was not allowed to board a flight leaving Australia on Wednesday, when a law barring registered child sex offenders from international travel took effect. As a result, some offenders have resorted to older forms of transportation: