March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

July 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump recently questioned efforts in communities across the country to ban plastic straws saying that plastic plates and wrappers pose a bigger threat. Although I remember a time, not that long ago, that he wasn’t that opposed to plastic: 

2. A Belgian man sat on a toilet for nearly five days this week in a bid to set a world record. That record, world’s worst roommate. 

3. New York City introduced a bill to the city council Tuesday that would bar mobile carriers from sharing people’s cell phone location data. Or, you could just switch to Sprint and then you won’t have service anywhere anyway.

4. A husband in Georgia died just twelve hours before his wife of 71 years died. Said the dead husband in heaven, “Can’t i just get one fucking day to myself?!?!” 

5. According to reports, Rudy Giuliani is serving as President Trump’s lawyer for free. And, from what I’ve seen, Trump is still being overcharged.

6. According to reports, Walmart and Nordstroms are building stores that don’t sell anything. “I guess we were just ahead of our time,” said Radio Shack.

7. The FDA has released a new anti-vaping ad that features a street magician performing a trick that turns e-cigarettes into traditional cigarettes. Although, a better way to discourage teens from vaping, would be a trick that turns a teen with an e-cigarette into a street magician.

8. Dante, a 104-year-old bar and restaurant in New York City, was named the World’s Best Bar. And, in related news, the world’s worst bar remains William:

9. Two-year-old twins joined at the head underwent successful surgery at a British hospital to separate their skulls and brains on Tuesday. Thus leaving Eric and Don Jr. as the last pair of siblings still sharing one brain.

10. Last week, the CEO of Siemens said that President Trump is becoming a symbol of intolerance. This marks the first time since the blue dress the semen has betrayed a president.

11. Last week, President Trump said he wouldn’t be watching Robert Mueller’s congressional testimony because, “you can’t take all those bites of the apple.” But, to be fair, for Trump, one bite of an apple is too many.

12. North Korean state media released images Tuesday of leader Kim Jong Un inspecting what appeared to be a submarine under construction. Not to be outdone, the White House also released a picture of President Trump inspecting a sub:

13. A Facebook-style social network was launched in Vietnam on Tuesday, following calls by the government for domestic tech companies to create alternatives to U.S. tech giants Facebook and Google. “I’m back, baby!” said Tom from MySpace.

14. After a possible suicide attempt, accused pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was found injured inside his cell on Thursday. But, much like trying to have sex with a women above the legal age of consent, Epstein couldn’t finish the act

15. Bernie Madoff is asking President Trump to commute his 150-year prison sentence. Hey Bernie, I’m no expert, but if you want to convince Trump I’d recommend showing a little contrition, admitting guilt, and using a much smaller word than ‘commute.’

16. People are speculating that 52-year old rapper Diddy is dating Steve Harvey’s 22-year-old daughter. And I have to admit, I see the resemblance:

17. Last week, a video went viral from Denver, Colorado where a bear tried to steal an entire dumpster from a marijuana dispensary. So I think we found the next Smokey the Bear.

July 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. The London gospel choir that performed at the wedding of Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, has signed a record deal with Sony Music. Not to be outdone, the Queen has signed with Death Row Records:

2. Over the weekend, a rider was kicked out of the Tour de France for trying to punch another rider. That story again, Chris Brown learned how to ride a bike.

3. Over the weekend, Italian rider Gianni Moscon was kicked out of the Tour de France for “showing a lack of restraint” when he tried to punch another rider. Although, if you ask me, he showed unbelievable restraint by only punching one of these guys:

4. Facebook said on Monday it would double its presence in London, acquiring nearly 600,000 square feet of office space. Meanwhile, Tom from MySpace wants to know if he can crash on your couch a few a nights.

5. Gloria Estefan was honored by the Spanish government on Monday for her contribution to the arts. She was also honored for her tireless work making the public aware of the rhythm and its intention to get them.

6. On Sunday, hundreds of people gathered in a Switzerland’s Mount Tracouet for the world’s biggest wooden Swiss alpine horn festival, which happens once a year. Of course, the other 364 days of the year they all apparently gather in the apartment next to me.

7. Over the weekend, the tiny Belgian city of Marche-en-Famenne held Europe’s biggest “living statue” festival, where people posed as famous people like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. To see a living person stand that still outside of Marche-en-Famenne, you’d have to take my uncle out to dinner and wait for the bill to come.

8. This week a was arrested for working out nude at a Planet Fitness. Apparently, before his arrest, he was standing by the bench press doing a clean jerk.

9. Russian hackers gained access to the networks of U.S. electric utilities last year, which could have allowed them to cause blackouts, according to federal government officials. Or, in the case of Detroit, turn the lights back on.

10. Three former U.S. secretaries of state, Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright, will make guest appearances in October on political television drama “Madam Secretary.” While current Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will appear on the least convincing episode of “Undercover Boss” ever:

11. Actor Johnny Depp gave Harry Potter fans a look at his coming portrayal of the villain Grindelwald, delivering a monologue in character at San Diego Comic-Con on Saturday. You could tell Depp was in character because he was only wearing eleven scarves.

12. On Monday, the U.S. anti-doping agency announced that six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended for 14 months for receiving an intravenous infusion of a permitted substance without a therapeutic use exemption. Said Lochte, “Can you please use smaller words?”:

13. After the President of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump sent an all caps tweet saying “YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.” Which, coincidentally, were also the vows he said to Melania.

14. Republicans on Friday voted to hold their 2020 presidential nominating convention in Charlotte. And, if they nominate Trump, it’ll be the worst thing to happen inside Charlotte since she marred Trey in season 2:

15. Uber and Lyft have suspended a driver following a report that he recorded passengers without their consent. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to hear the Michael Cohen is working again:

16. In a new study, an international team of scientists identified more than thousand variations in human genes that influence how long people stay in school. Apparently there is a gene for how rich your dad is.

17. According to reports, the soccer ball Russian President Vladimir Putin gifted to President Trump contained a chip capable of transmitting data. Putin was not concerned inserting such a fragile piece of technical equipment into athletic equipment, because he was certain that by giving it to Trump it would never get any use.

18. A Georgia state lawmaker who yelled racial slurs and dropped his pants on Sasha Baron Cohen’s new Showtime show after being told it would intimidate terrorists offered his resignation letter on Tuesday. Well, if Trump dropping his pants is what it takes to finally get him to resign, it’s definitely not worth it:

19. The Ferrari from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” will be up for action next month. And, a word of advice to that auctioneer, don’t take any bids over the phone from Abe Froman the Sausage King of Chicago.

20. President Trump accused Twitter on Thursday of restricting the visibility of prominent conservatives and promised to investigate the matter. Said Trump, “I haven’t seen a tweet from Ronald Reagan pop up on my timeline in a long time.”

June 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new poll, there are more gay people in America than adult virgins. This according to a poll taken somewhere other than ComicCon.

2. Doctors are warning women against a new trend of putting wasp nests in their vaginas. “Look, if you got a better defense plan, I’m all ears,” said women who work in the White House.

3. According to a new study, couples trying for a baby have sex an average of 78 times before becoming pregnant. Which means, according to my calculations, my upstairs neighbors have 137 kids by now.

4. The New York Mets mascot, Mr. Met, has come under fire after a cellphone video surfaced showing him giving a fan the middle finger. Even worse, after a thorough investigation, it was determined that the Phillie Phanatic has been coming to work without pants for years:

5. A 98-year-old California woman has written over 7,000 letters to troops overseas. Every letter thanks the soldier for their service and asks him to “kill a dirty Kraut for her.”

6. President Trump’s 2020 reelection committee is selling “Big League Boxes,” packed with Trump merchandise, delivered monthly to recurring donors. Said Trump, “Aren’t monthly donations usually called ‘alimony payments’?”

7. Police in Michigan arrested a woman for allegedly stealing flowers, a bench and other objects from local cemeteries to decorate her house. But, in her defense, she was just trying to make her husband, Larry King, feel more at home.

8. According to a new report, President Trump has traded in his Android smartphone for an iPhone with only one app, Twitter. It’s the first time Trump has been limited to just one app in a very long time:

9. A 38-year-old Indian climber who made the fastest double ascent of Mount Everest and became the first woman to reach the highest point on earth twice in five days, says she will now turn her attention to smaller unclimbed peaks. But, sometimes, smaller peaks remained unclimbed by women for a reason:

10. A woman fired a starter pistol at a race so close to the Prime Minister of Belgium’s ear that he had to undergo medical treatment and cancel a speech in Parliament. “You think that’s bad,” said Lincoln.

11. A drunk man in Pennsylvania was arrested yesterday for repeatedly calling 911 just to talk. Said the man at the jailhouse, “I get one phone call, right?”

12. According to a new study, foods that wind up in the garbage contain many of the same nutrients that Americans are missing in their diets. Said Americans, “Yeah, no shit, how do you think they wound up in the trash in the first place?”

13. According to reports, almost half of President Trump’s 31 million Twitter followers appear to be fake. Even more disturbing, the other half appear to be real.

14. While giving a commencement speech, actor Robert De Niro said that America has turned into “a tragic, dumb comedy.” “I’ll do it,” said Nicholas Cage.

15. A hot air balloon in Canada crashed after a man onboard proposed to his girlfriend. Said the woman, “This is the worst day of my life,” and then he proposed.

16. Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the president, recently purchased an $8 million house in Washington D.C. It has four bedrooms and there bathrooms, but I’m guessing Conway’s gonna spend most of her time in the basement:

17. Pornography website PornHub is celebrating its ten year anniversary by asking users to submit “What I Learned from PornHub” videos. So, expect a lot of videos detailing how to clear you browser history.

18. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so big as a defense mechanism against being eaten. “I love a challenge,” said Chris Christie:

19. Mark Zuckerberg said he plans to visit very U.S. state this year to learn more about Facebook’s users. “Every state? Are you even allowed to do that?” asked Hillary.

20. Gunsticles, which are fake testicles that hang from your gun, are now a thing. Because not every guy with a small penis can afford a Porsche.

21. Over the weekend, actor and amateur pilot Harrison Ford had multiple failed takeoffs due to mechanical issues. “Yeah, tell me about it,” said Calista Flockhart.

22. A Palestinian judge has banned divorces during the month of Ramadan as “people make hasty decisions when they are hungry.” Which is Taco Bell’s entire business model.

February 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Belgian minister arrived on a bicycle to a news conference to promote cycling on Tuesday, only to find the bike had been stolen when he left half an hour later. But, on the plus side, sounds like he did a pretty good job convincing Belgian citizens to bike more.

2. A man who changed his to Mark ‘I Love Spam’ Benson is getting married in the world’s only Spam museum in Minnesota. Just in case you were wondering what the opposite of a destination wedding is.

3. According to a new Gallup survey, more Americans are working out of the office as they push for flexible schedules. Yeah, no shit:
trump-maralago

4. On Tuesday, Taco Bell announced that it will start offering customers the option of getting married for $600 at its Las Vegas location. Its all part of Taco Bell’s new campaign slogan “You’re already at a Taco Bell, so what’s one more bad decision?”

5. On Tuesday, Taco Bell announced that it will start offering customers the option of getting married for $600 at its Las Vegas location. Or, and here me out, for free, you don’t.

6. On Wednesday, the White House announced that President Trump will not fill out an NCAA March Madness bracket. Which makes sense, I’m not sure Trump should be making any plans that involve him being president in March.

7. On Monday, in response to President Trump’s recent mishandling of confidential information, former White House photographer Pete Souza appeared to take a shot at the President by posting a picture of former President Obama speaking in a cordoned off area for security reasons. But, really, how upset could Trump get over a harmless, little picture? Oh, right:
trump-crowd

8. To celebrate Valentine’s Day on Tuesday, two couples got married on top of the Empire State Building. So keep an eye out for them four months from now when they’ll undoubtedly be getting a divorce atop the Freedom Tower.

9. According to reports, Warner Brothers wants Mel Gibson to direct the upcoming ‘Suicide Squad’ sequel. “What!?! That guy is a complete loose cannon!” said the Joker.

10. MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” has banned Trump aid Kellyanne Conway from appearing on the show. Conway said, “The ban is an infringement on her first amendment right and allowing such a thing to happen means the Bowling Green terrorists have won.”

July 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new NBC poll, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has 0% support among African American voters in Ohio. And, if anyone knows something about zero black people, it’s NBC:
nbc

2. Last night was the 500th episode of “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.” Fallon credits his show’s success to fun bits, positive, inclusive humor and not having Jay Leno as a lead-in.

3. According to reports, today Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump will name Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his vice presidential running mate. Upon hearing the news:
Christie Trump Tower

4. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he is looking for a vice president who has the skills and experience that he lacks. So the question becomes, where do you find a likable, mute who doesn’t want to bone his own daughter?

5. The Center for Disease Control is collecting semen from hundreds of men in the U.S. to determine how long the Zika virus lasts in bodily fluids. Scientists will gather the hundreds of semen samples by taking a mop onto the G train.

6. A new study concludes that humans are still evolving. The study was conducted anywhere but the South.

7. The Republican Party will declare internet pornography a “public health crisis” when its platform is revealed next week at the convention. Still cool with guns though.

8. A woman was arrested last week for threatening to kill famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. “Back off, I got this,” said Mother Nature.

9. In a recent interview, President Obama said he dreams of opening a t-shirt shop in Hawaii once his term in office is through. And you thought Obama had problems making a deal with Putin before:
putin

10. A selection of outfits worn by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth has gone on display at Buckingham Palace as part of an exhibition marking the monarch’s 90th birthday. Unfortunately, it seems like they didn’t leave the Queen with a lot of options in her closet:
outfit

11. President Obama joined Hillary Clinton at a campaign rally in North Carolina last week, telling voters he was ready to “pass the baton” to his former secretary of state. Which is odd because, when it comes to track and field, Hillary always struck me more as a shot-putter:
shot put

12. Last week, the Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the Ku Klux Klan is legally allowed to adopt a highway. Which explains why, after being re-tarred, the 505 was also covered in feathers.

13. While testifying before Congress regarding Hillary Clinton’s emails, FBI director James Comey revealed that former General David Petreaus hid documents in the insulation of his attic while being investigated. Said Mrs. Clinton, “That’s crazy, I’d never do that because, in order to make room for the docs, I’d have to move Vince Foster’s body.”

14. Last week, Texas Senator Ted Cruz accepted an invitation from former rival Donald Trump to speak at this month’s Republican National Convention. As a result, the convention has been moved from Cleveland to here:
skull island

15. The world’s oldest male twins, Pieter and Paulus Langerock of Belgium, turned 103 last week. The brothers made a wish, blew out their candles, saw the other one was still alive and said in unison, “my wish didn’t come true.”

16. Lawyers for Gretchen Carlson, who is suing Fox News boss Roger Ailes for sexual harassment, say Ailes is the “Bill Cosby of media.” Said Cosby, “That’s not fair, I was on TV too.”

17. An Ambulance driver in Virginia got lost on the way to the hospital while transporting a dying man. Luckily he knew exactly how to get to the morgue.

18. More than 3,000 people stripped naked and were painted blue on Saturday in the U.K. to be part of a mass human artwork. “This is my nightmare,” said Gargamel.

19. A fan got punched in the face by a rider during the eighth stage of the Tour de France. That’s crazy, there’s a fan of bike riding?

20. There has been an increase in the amount of whale sightings in the waters near New York City, including the East River. Experts attribute the uptick to whales not paying off their gambling debts.

May 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Belgian city of Bruges is building a pipeline that will run under the city that will only transport beer. But, until construction is finished, Coors Light is still your best bet to drink a beer that tastes like its been in a sewer underneath a city.

2. A woman who has accused Bill Cosby of drugging and molesting her at a Playboy Mansion party in 2008 has filed a second lawsuit accusing Playboy founder Hugh Hefner of conspiring in the assault. Said Hefner, “Cool, a three-way.”

3. Pictures of a three-year-old boy with a diagonal cut on his foreign went viral when his mom turned the scar into Harry Potter’s iconic lightning bolt scar. Child protective services are now referring to the boy’s mother as She Who Must Not Be Named.

4. Actor Henry Cavill, who portrays Superman on the big screen, has reportedly broken up with his girlfriend of seven months. Apparently commitment is his kryptonite.

5. Anne Graham Lotz, the daughter of Reverend Billy Graham, said terror attacks such as 9/11 and the mass shooting in San Bernardino were allowed by God because of the gay rights movement and the acceptance of evolution. Although it’s unclear what terrible things mankind did for God to unleash Anne Graham Lotz on us.

6. A 64-year-old man, who had his penis amputated after a penile cancer diagnosis in 2012, became the first patient in the U.S. to undergo a successful penis transplant, getting the donor penis from a deceased man. The only downside is, due to rigamortis, he is always erect.

7. On Monday, Democrat Hillary Clinton said, if elected president, she will name her husband, former President Bill Clinton, her economy czar. Because Hillary, more than anyone else, knows that it’s not good for Bill to have down time at the White House.

8. In a new interview, Melania Trump, the wife of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, said of her husband, “We know the truth. He’s not Hitler.” Coincidentally, Melania was also required to include that line in her wedding vows.

9. It was announced this week that South Korea, Japan, and the United States will hold their first-ever joint anti-missile exercise next month. “Let us know if you want to make it more than just an exercise,” said North Korea.

10. A Colorado Springs school district has approved the use of medical marijuana for its students. Which means, even if it’s announced ahead of time, to those students, every test will be a surprise pop quiz.

January 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to the Gaming Control Board, Nevada’s casino industry lost $662 million last year. As a result, Caesar’s Palace will no longer accept parlay bets, won’t comp hotel rooms for high rollers and have banned Chris Christie from all buffets.

2. Italy’s is pitching its bid to host the 2024 Olympic Games as a chance for the country to clean up its scandal-plagued capital city of Rome. Which falls in line with it’s potential slogan, “Rome 2024: Maybe we’ll have our shit together by then.”

3. The iconic Playboy Mansion is being put up for sale for $200 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d probably be subpoenaed to testify in the Cosby trial.

4. A Belgium architect has revealed ambitious plans for a series of underwater eco-villages that could house up to 20,000 people each in the future. “If you’re looking for a interior decorator…” said BP.

5. On Monday, a man was thrown out of a Donald Trump rally after he interrupted the presidential candidate while he was giving a speech by shouting “This is boring.” “You just had one guy screaming that at your rally?” said Ben Carson.

6. A white supremacist group said it has placed thousands of automated phone calls in Iowa urging voters to back billionaire Donald Trump’s bid for the Republican presidential nomination. In response, Donald Trump said he was appalled, he told those guys to go door-to-door.

7. Online dating site OkCupid has introduced a new feature called “Couples Linking,” which allows people who are already a couple to search for a third person to take part in their open relationship. “What if my partner doesn’t know we’re in an open relationship,” said Ben Affleck.

8. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has proposed removing the manatee from the endangered species list and reclassifying it as “threatened” after “significant improvements” in its population. Begging the question, what does a manatee taste like?

9. On Sunday, electric car maker Tesla said its new Autopark feature is ready for drivers to install, which allows drivers to step outside their cars and park them remotely. Said Ford Fiesta owners, “I wish my car had that because I don’t want to be seen driving it.”

10. Maine Governor Paul LePage on Friday responded to criticism that his comments about drug dealers flooding the state and impregnating “white girls” had a racist tone, blaming the media for taking his words out of context. Adding, “Maybe if the media wasn’t full of noisy, Jews, I wouldn’t be in this mess.”

September 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The start of Sunday’s NFL game between the St. Louis Rams and the Pittsburgh Steelers was delayed a half-hour after the pyrotechnics used during pre-game introductions resulted in a fire on the field. Which means the fans who watched the Chicago Bears play weren’t the only ones to see a hot mess on the field that day.

2. A Florida man allegedly stole 4 million pounds, roughly $540,000 worth of oranges. If convicted, the man could serve up to ten years in prison where he will learn a new meaning for the phrase, “freshly squeezed.”

3. MMA fighter Bryeanne Russillo said she is being forced to fight in a higher weight class because her breasts are too big and weigh too much. Boxing experts are calling the most ingenious fight promotion ever.

4. Scientists in the U.K. have started experimenting with a new stem-cell treatment that they hope will be a cure for blindness. But, to guard against getting any potential patients’ hopes too high, they have only been reporting their results via written studies.

5. The leading Mixed Martial Arts promotion company on Monday filed a federal lawsuit against New York challenging the state’s ban on staging MMA events. The lawsuit is just one page and reads: Do you wanna take this outside, pussy?

6. The head of the World Squash Federation said he was devastated by Tokyo’s decision to not consider the sport for inclusion in the 2020 Summer Olympics. That story again, apparently there are times when the head of the World Squash Federation looks around, takes stock of his life and isn’t devastated.

7. Belgian researchers are examining the excrement of giant pandas to try to understand how they can digest tough bamboo. Said the researchers, “I wish I had gotten better grades in school.”

8. Over the weekend, West Sussex, England hosted the Lawn Mower World Championships. Which is kinda like staging the World Tea Drinking Championships in Mexico.

9. Peter Robbins, the now-59-year-old man who voiced Charlie Brown as a child actor, was charged on Friday with threatening a judge, a witness and a San Diego County sheriff at a court hearing. Said Robbins, “While I’m at it, Lucy was a bitch.”

10. On Sunday, an Australian government spokesman said the country intends to refuse a visa for R&B singer Chris Brown. And, in unrelated news, Australia now has two black eyes.

December 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. United States officials said on Monday, the U.S. helped a Cuban spy imprisoned in California, artificially inseminate his wife back in Cuba. Said his wife, “Yeah, that’s how I got pregnant.”

2. A live version of the controversial film “The interview” will be staged on December 27th at a small 50-seat theater in midtown Manhattan. Or, as it will be known on December 28th, a smoldering crater.

3. Congressman Michael Grimm of New York is expected to plead guilty today to resolve federal tax fraud charges against him. Whereupon he will be promoted to Congressman Michael Grimm of New Jersey.

4. North Korea, at the center of a cyber confrontation with the U.S., is now experiencing widespread internet outages. I don’t know what’s more surprising, that the U.S. has the ability to affect the internet in North Korea or that there’s internet in North Korea.

5. A recent study found that eating fast found may lead to lower student test scores in math, science and reading, which ironically leads to a higher amount of students working at fast food restaurants.

6. A recent study found that eating fast found may lead to lower student test scores in math, science and reading. The study was conducted literally anywhere in the U.S., but most likely the South.

7. Protestors got close enough to Charles Michel, Belgium’s Prime Minister, on Monday to splatter him with the national dish of fries and gravy. And, in unrelated news, Chris Christie has officially declared his intentions to run for primer minister of Belgium.

8. The IRS is set to auction off the remaining value the New York Mets owe Daryl Strawberry on a six-year contract he signed almost 30 years ago, but failed to pay taxes on. Bidders may be able to get the remaining $1.28 million at a discount, but, on the down side, you’ll technically be on the Mets’ payroll.

9. According to reports, the U.S. has asked China to help battle North Korea’s hacking of American information systems. Said China, “No problem, first we’re gonna need all your passwords.”

10. It has been reported that Kanye West spent $74,000 on Christmas gifts for his daughter North West. Finally answering the question, how many pictures of Kanye West can you buy for $74,000?