10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Under his four game suspension, New England quarterback Tom Brady is not allowed to even play catch with his Patriot teammates. Mark Sanchez is also unable to play catch with his teammates, but that’s just because he sucks.

2. Scientists in the U.K. have reportedly discovered a woman who can see 99 million more colors than a normal person. “You’re gonna wear that shirt with those pants?” said the woman to her husband every day of his goddamn life.

3. Disneyland announced that it’s iconic Tower of Terror drop ride, featuring an elevator that free-falls for 130 feet, is closing. So now, you’re best bet to get scared in an elevator is to date Ray Rice.

4. Norway announced an ambitious plan to install the world’s first floating underwater traffic tunnels. So I guess Ted Kennedy was just ahead of his time.

5. Baron Trump, Donald Trump’s youngest son, was seen yawning repeatedly throughout his father’s 74-minute speech at the Republican Convention on Thursday night. Here’s a picture of the unamused Baron from that night:
joffrey

6. According to reports, the amount of internet searches for pornography in the city of Cleveland rose 184% last week while the Republican Convention was held in town. Apparently, after four days of speeches about the specifics of the Republican platform, those in attendance wanted to watch something less demeaning towards women.

7. A man in England shot himself in the cheek and posted the video online in a bid to launch his rap career. So I guess this one falls in the ‘Die Tryin’ column.

8. Over the weekend, the United States Olympic Committee announced that they will we be sending a team of 555 athletes to Rio for this year’s Summer Olympics. And, due to the Zika virus, plan on bringing back a team of 478 athletes.

9. A rare Amur tiger was killed at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo during a breeding attempt this week. Maybe they would’t be so rare if you stopped killing them while they had sex.

10. In the wake of Democratic Party Chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump tweeted that he always said she was “overrated.” Although, to be completely accurate, he called her “a 6 at best.”

July 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night, at the Democratic Convention, when speaking of her running mate, Hillary Clinton said, “for those of you just getting to know Tim Kaine.” Although, she could have saved a lot of time by saying, “Hey, everyone.”

2. During her speech last night at the Democratic Convention, Hillary Clinton said, America has, “the most generous and tolerant young people we’ve ever had.” So tolerant and generous that they’ll hopefully vote for their second choice for the Democratic presidential nominee.

3. Last night Hillary Clinton said, “I accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States.” And, I gotta say, after practicing it in the mirror every night for the past eight years, she nailed it.

4. At the conclusion of Hillary Clinton’s speech last night at the Democratic Convention, the arena was covered in hundreds and hundreds of balloons. And, in keeping with that theme, the old, crotchety man from ‘Up’ made an appearance:
bernie1

5. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Thursday tried to quell the outrage over his call for Russia to find Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails, saying he was being sarcastic. Said Trump, “Can’t you tell when I’m being sarcastic? I raise my voice, gesticulate wildly with my arms and make over-the-top statements.”

6. According to a new study, people exposed to high lighting in the evening, and low lighting in the morning are more likely to gain weight. “What about fluorescent lighting?” said Chris Christie:
krisy kreme

7. The website of Melania Trump, wife of the Republican presidential nominee, was deleted from the internet on Wednesday amid questions of whether she actually earned the college degree she claimed on her site. But, if she didn’t get her degree, how do you explain this:
harvard

8. During his speech Tuesday night, Bill Clinton revealed that it took three tries to get Hillary to marry him. Same with Donald and Melania, except the first two were with other women.

9. During his speech to the Democratic Convention Tuesday night, Bill Clinton labeled his wife, Hillary, as a ‘change maker. Saying, “For instance, I used to sleep in the bed, she changed that, now I sleep on the sofa.”

10. According to a new report, it is completely safe to eat raw cookie dough. We’re just one announcement of Cheetos being good for you away from me being a fucking nutritionist.

11. On Friday, former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke announced his intentions to run for U.S. Senate in the state of Louisiana. I’m not sure he’s qualified to be a senator but he definitely has the requisite experience to hammer down the wooden stakes needed to erect a campaign sign in front yards.

12. A rare flower that smells like a corpse is set to bloom this week in New York City. Once it blooms, it is expected to make the city smell better.

13. This week, the UK’s first double hand transplant operation took place and the patient says his new hands look “tremendous”. So, yeah, it’s exactly who you think it is:
trump hands

14. Under his four game suspension, New England quarterback Tom Brady is not allowed to even play catch with his Patriot teammates. Mark Sanchez is also unable to play catch with his teammates, but that’s just because he sucks.

15. Scientists in the U.K. have reportedly discovered a woman who can see 99 million more colors than a normal person. “You’re gonna wear that shirt with those pants?” said the woman to her husband every day of his goddamn life.

July 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tuesday night, Bill Clinton opened his speech at the Democratic Convention by saying, “In the spring of 1971, I met a girl.” Adding, “Then, in the fall, I met two more girls and you wouldn’t even believe what I did that summer, but I digress.”

2. Bill Clinton’s speech to the Democratic Convention Tuesday night consisted of heartfelt, personal stories about his wife Hillary in an attempt to humanize her. He did such a good job that even Hillary shed a tear, which, unfortunately, short-circuited her motherboard.

3. The grandmother who introduced President Obama Wednesday night at the Democratic Convention said that every American should get the opportunity to hug the president. And, due to the inactivity on gun control, they might just get that chance.

4. President Obama’s Wednesday night speech at the Democratic Convention characterized the picture painted of America at last week’s Republican Convention as “deeply pessimistic.” But, to be fair, what did you expect from Republicans after spending a week in Cleveland.

5. During last night’s Democratic Convention, Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance on stage at the conclusion of President Obama’s speech. “Yeah, she’ll sneak up on you like that,” said Bill.

6. Ahead of next month’s Olympics in Brazil, France’s security council has advised French tourists who plan on making the trip to walk the streets of Rio with no jewelry and a spare 50-real bill ready to give to a mugger. And I can’t think of anything more French than having a plan in place to surrender.

7. John Hinckley Jr., the man who shot President Ronald Reagan in 1981, is set to be released from jail this week. Even crazier, Jodie Foster paid his bail.

8. Scientists say they have developed a machine that uses sunlight to convert urine into drinkable water. That story again, the Mountain Dew factory has installed solar panels.

9. Yesterday, Virginia Senator Tim Kaine accepted the Democratic Party’s vice presidential nomination, saying he is ready to fulfill the duties of the position on day one. And, I assume, the day one vice presidential responsibilities consists of painting over the many ‘Biden Rulez’ written on the walls of the VP residence.

10. During a press conference on Wednesday, Donald Trump did an impression of Jon Lovitz from Saturday Night Live. It was not as warmly received as his Stefon:
stefon

July 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton was officially named the Democratic nominee for president, becoming the first female nominee for a major U.S. party. A night that many believe was a hundred years in the making, although Debbie Wasserman Schultz ballparks it at about a year and a half.

2. According to reports, Democrats beat Republicans in the TV ratings when comparing the first nights of their respective party’s Conventions. Said Trump, “I don’t understand, we had Chachi!?!”

3. On Monday, the Cleveland Cavaliers signed head coach Tyron Lue to a five year, $35 million contract. Which comes out to $7 million a year to ask LeBron what play he wants to run.

4. Donald Trump slammed Democrats on Tuesday for not once mentioning ISIS during the first day of the Democratic Convention. Which, in Trump’s book, is an unforgivable sin, just behind not mentioning him.

5. A man in the Czech town of Prerov could not pay his bar bill so he stripped down naked, left his clothes at the bar as collateral and headed out to get cash. Begging the question, where did he keep his ATM card?

6. Disneyland announced that it’s iconic Tower of Terror drop ride, featuring an elevator that free-falls for 130 feet, is closing. So now, you’re best bet to get scared in an elevator is to date Ray Rice.

7. Boston Mayor Marty Walsh opened his speech Monday night at the Democratic Convention by saying he was an alcoholic. “Look who’s plagiarizing now,” said the Kennedy estate.

8. A Florida man pleaded guilty on Monday to illegally funneling $80,000 in foreign contributions to President Obama’s fundraising campaign in 2012 so that a foreign national could attend a campaign event. The court didn’t release the identity of the foreign national, but that didn’t stop Fox News from speculating:obama

9. Dr. Dre was detained outside his home Monday morning after L.A. police received a call from a motorist who alleged the rapper had threatened him with a gun. The encounter ended with beats, but not by Dre.

10. Dating app Tinder has introduced Tinder Social which allows users to swipe right to meet up and go on dates with groups. “Finally,” said Mormon men.

July 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Monday night, First Lady Michelle Obama spoke at the Democratic National Convention. But don’t worry if you missed it, you can catch all the highlights during Melania’s next speech.

2. President Obama’s half brother, Malik Obama, says he will vote for Republican nominee Donald Trump in November’s general election. In response, Barack questioned Malik’s ability to even vote in U.S. elections and demanded to see his long-form birth certificate.

3. During his speech to the Democratic Convention last night, Senator Bernie Sanders mentioned ‘Hillary Clinton’ fifteen times, ‘Donald Trump’ ten times and ‘President Obama’ three times. “Did you notice he didn’t mention God once?” said Debbie Wasserman Schultz?

4. A man in England shot himself in the cheek and posted the video online in a bid to launch his rap career. So I guess this one falls in the ‘Die Tryin’ column.

5. A hypnotherapist mother in California is using hypnosis as a parenting tool. And, laugh if you will, but the proof is in the pudding, she has two very well-behaved children and one who thinks she’s a chicken.

6. Norway announced an ambitious plan to install the world’s first floating underwater traffic tunnels. So I guess Ted Kennedy was just ahead of his time.

7. A new study has found that birds, crickets and frogs that live in large cities are increasingly singing off-key due to loud city noise. This holds especially true the nights that Ke$ha is in town.

8. A judge in Wisconsin got a much-needed kidney donation from a fellow judge. “You assholes said that wasn’t allowed!” said the ghost of Antonin Scalia.

9. Rap group Insane Clown Posse and its fans are planning a march on Washington D.C. to protest the FBI. It will be the largest gathering of clowns in D.C. since Congress the previous day.

10. On Monday, Matteo Salving, the leader of Italy’s anti-immigrant Northern League, compared the woman speaker of the lower house of parliament to an inflatable sex doll. But, in Matteo’s defense, with misogynistic comments like that, I bet he’s quite the authority on inflatable sex dolls.

July 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Baron Trump, Donald Trump’s youngest son, was seen yawning repeatedly throughout his father’s 74-minute speech at the Republican Convention on Thursday night. Here’s a picture of the unamused Baron from that night:
joffrey

2. According to reports, the amount of internet searches for pornography in the city of Cleveland rose 184% last week while the Republican Convention was held in town. Apparently, after four days of speeches about the specifics of the Republican platform, those in attendance wanted to watch something less demeaning towards women.

3. On Friday, Hillary Clinton chose Virginia Senator Tim Kaine as her vice presidential running mate. And, in future news, the Vice Presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will be bought to you by Ambien.

4. The Democratic Party has selected a handful of undocumented immigrants for official roles at this week’s Democratic National Convention. Ironically, they’re all working security.

5. The day after her speech at the Republican Convention, Ivanka Trump tweeted out a picture and link to where the dress she wore the night before could be purchased. Not to be outdone, Scott Baio did the same exact thing after his Convention speech:
Baio twitter

6. Over the weekend, the United States Olympic Committee announced that they will we be sending a team of 555 athletes to Rio for this year’s Summer Olympics. And, due to the Zika virus, plan on bringing back a team of 478 athletes.

7. A rare Amur tiger was killed at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo during a breeding attempt this week. Maybe they would’t be so rare if you stopped killing them while they had sex.

8. A 28-year-old man in Brooklyn has become the first Pokemon Go player to capture all the characters. Asked how he felt after the accomplishment, the man said, “Still very lonely.”

9. In the wake of Democratic Party Chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump tweeted that he always said she was “overrated.” Although, to be completely accurate, he called her “a 6 at best.”

10. Two youths unaware of their surroundings while playing Pokemon GO on their cell phones made an illegal border crossing this week from Canada into the United States. Which may explain the new tactic some Mexicans are taking to try to sneak into the U.S.:
crossing

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. During his acceptance speech at last night’s Republican Convention, Donald Trump said, “I will work to ensure that all of our kids are treated equally.” Adding, “This includes Ivanka and those other three.”

2. As part of her speech last night, Ivanka Trump defended her father by saying, “he is colorblind.” Yeah, obviously:
orange trump

3. Senator Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi was escorted off the floor of the Republican convention on Wednesday night as delegates booed her husband’s refusal to endorse Donald Trump in his speech. Fortunately, Heidi is used to uncomfortable political exits:
Cruz Elbow

4. Senator Ted Cruz was booed Wednesday night at the Republican National Convention for not endorsing Donald Trump during his speech. Which was a nice change of pace for Ted Cruz who is normally booed for just being Ted Cruz.

5. It appears that large portions of Melania Trump’s Monday night speech to the Republican National Convention were lifted from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Convention speech. So, maybe Donald Trump has a point, immigrants are lazy.

6. An episode of Nickelodeon’s cartoon “The Loud House” will introduce a same-sex married couple this month, thus making history by becoming the first children’ show to feature a married gay couple. Said a visibly irritated Ernie to Bert.

7. Nearly a dozen staffers from the California Republican party, staying at a hotel in Ohio for the Convention, have developed severe gastrointestinal symptoms that could be Norovirus. Or, more likely, the reality of the whole thing is beginning to sink in.

8. During Sunday night’s Kids Choice Sports Awards, Kobe Bryant was given the Legend prize and then immediately covered in gold slime. And, as everyone knows, there are only two ways to be covered in golden slime, win the Legend prize or bring Donald Trump to climax.

9. The United States Anti-Doping Agency has informed MMA fighter Brock Lesnar of a potential anti-doping violation stemming from a failed drug test. And I’m not saying he’s guilty, but the guy who broke the news to Lesnar was found torn in half.

10. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. But, on the plus side, now they can brag to all their friends that their grandson owns his own house.

July 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During his acceptance speech at last night’s Republican Convention, Donald Trump said, “I will work to ensure that all of our kids are treated equally.” Adding, “This includes Ivanka and those other three.”

2. Last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton a puppet for big business lobbyists, saying they pull her strings. Then he told Chris Christie to fetch him a glass of water.

3. During his speech last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “at our convention, there will be no lies.” And then, despite what he had just said, Trump kept talking.

4. Last night, Donald Trump capped off the Republican National Convention with a speech accepting the party’s nomination. Surprisingly, the 20,562-seat capacity arena that hosted the event was able to squeeze in literally tens of people in addition to Trump’s ego.

5. During her speech last night, Ivanka Trump spoke of her father saying, “he taught us there is nothing we cannot accomplish if we marry vision and passion with an enduring work ethic.” Adding, “while Melanie taught us there is nothing we cannot accomplish if we marry.”

6. As part of her speech last night, Ivanka Trump defended her father by saying, “he is colorblind.” Yeah, obviously:
orange trump

7. While speaking of her childhood and her father’s business empire, Ivanka Trump claimed that, “when run properly, construction sites are true meritocracies.” So I guess it’s just a coincidence that all of his company’s top executives have the last name Trump.

8. A 17-year-old Kansas teen who was fired for asking her boss why she made less than her male co-workers will speak at next week’s Democratic Convention. Which is only fair since the manager who fired her spoke at the Republican Convention.

9. Senator Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi was escorted off the floor of the Republican convention on Wednesday night as delegates booed her husband’s refusal to endorse Donald Trump in his speech. Fortunately, Heidi is used to uncomfortable political exits:
Cruz Elbow

10. Luciano Pavarotti’s family has asked Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump to stop using a recording of the late opera singer’s song “Nessun Dorma” in his election campaign. Said the family, “Luciano would be rolling in his grave if that were a physical possibility.”

11. McDonald’s has had to stop selling the Big Mac in Venezuela due to a country-wide bread shortage. Suspiciously, sales of the Big Mac went unaffected by prior beef shortages.

12. A man cooking his own urine caused the evacuation of a Massachusetts apartment complex. To get an idea of the odor, just ride the G train on a hot day.

13. Visa said on Wednesday that it had signed sponsorship deals with all ten members of the International Olympic Committee refugee team that will compete this summer in Rio. Which makes more sense than it’s previous endorsement with American Express, because reminding people to not leave home without it necessitates you to have a home in the first place.

14. On Monday, the website Slate noted the National Chairman of the Young Republicans is a 38-year-old suburban father of three. Which is not that old when compared to the party’s views on women and African-Americans.

15. During a interview with ’60 Minutes’ that aired on Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said that winning the evangelical vote proves that he’s religious. He also knows he won the white supremacist vote, right?

16. According to reports, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was calling his advisors the night before announcing Mike Pence as his VP to see if he could change his mind. The last time he changed his mind so quickly, Marla took half.

17. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. But, in the grandson’s defense, his grandparents always told him not to put them in a home and this is the exact opposite of that.

18. Researchers say that older, married couples with the same drinking habits tend to be happier than couples where only one partner drinks. Counterpoint, Dina and Michael Lohan.

19. A new company has come out with a line of handbags made from old airplane seat fabric. Unsurprisingly, you can never find your keys in the purse made from Malaysian Airline seats.

20. A Canadian rehab facility is treating alcoholism by giving its patients wine on the hour, every hour. Here’s a picture of the controversial treatment at work:
4th hour

July 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, fans of Harry Potter books are less likely to vote for Donald Trump. Although, that sentence is just as accurate if you remove the words “Harry Potter” from it.

2. Senator Ted Cruz was booed Wednesday night at the Republican National Convention for not endorsing Donald Trump during his speech. Which was a nice change of pace for Ted Cruz who is normally booed for just being Ted Cruz.

3. A ‘Women for Trump’ rally held in Cleveland this week struggled to get an audience of even thirty people to show up. Which was probably for the best because, under the Republican platform, any time thirty or more women congregate in one place it is considered a brothel.

4. Visa said on Wednesday that it had signed sponsorship deals with all ten members of the International Olympic Committee refugee team that will compete this summer in Rio. I hate to be the guy who broke the news to the refugees which kinda visa they were talking about.

5. An California artist has erected a wall around Donald Trump’s Walk of Fame star on Hollywood Boulevard. But, don’t worry, the wall surrounding the star isn’t so high that it prevents you from peeing on it.

6. A top Republican official says he expects Ted Cruz to run for president again in 2020 even if Donald Trump wins this year. Which may seem like a swipe at Donald by Ted, but I’d argue assuming America will exist four years into a Trump presidency is a ringing endorsement.

7. Krispy Kreme has plans to start selling a donut-flavored soda. Because apparently chewing was still too much exercise for its customers.

8. After deciding not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich called Jeb Bush a “bad loser.” And, it’s weak insults like that that led to Trump picking Mike Pence on Newt as his VP.

9. Former Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is scheduled to speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Afterwhich, he is expected to hang around the stage for the next five days until someone tells him that it’s definitely over.

10. During his speech at the Republican Convention Tuesday night, Dr. Ben Carson compared Hillary Clinton to Satan. Carson was forced to use the devil as a comparison because other evil figures like Saddam Hussein and Vladimir Putin were already used in a much different fashion by Donald Trump.

July 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It appears that large portions of Melania Trump’s Monday night speech to the Republican National Convention were lifted from Michelle Obama’s 2008 Convention speech. So, maybe Donald Trump has a point, immigrants are lazy.

2. An episode of Nickelodeon’s cartoon “The Loud House” will introduce a same-sex married couple this month, thus making history by becoming the first children’ show to feature a married gay couple. Said a visibly irritated Ernie to Bert.

3. According to the ‘New York Post,’ Bill Cosby is now completely blind and practically homebound. But, on the plus side, chicks love dogs:
dog

4. Nearly a dozen staffers from the California Republican party, staying at a hotel in Ohio for the Convention, have developed severe gastrointestinal symptoms that could be Norovirus. Or, more likely, the reality of the whole thing is beginning to sink in.

5. RNC communications director Sean Spicer appeared on CNN yesterday to defend Melania Trump by comparing bits of her speech to phrases that have been used by other big names, including Twilight Sparkle from “My Little Pony.” “I knew that speech sounded familiar,” said Joe Biden.

6. On Tuesday, Donald Trump said he doesn’t plan to fire anybody or take disciplinary action over the controversy surrounding Melania’s plagiarism of a Michelle Obama speech. “But, just to be safe, I’ll wait by my phone,” said Trump’s divorce attorney.

7. Yesterday Wright State University announced that it will not host the presidential debate scheduled to take place on its campus in September, thus causing the debate to be moved to Hofstra University. Thus solidifying Hofstra’s reputation as the ultimate safety school.

8. In a recent interview, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence said Donald Trump reminds him of Ronald Reagan. But, I assume, that’s because Trump’s speech writers have been plagiarizing old Reagan speeches.

9. World Wrestling Entertainment was sued on Monday by Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka seeking to hold it responsible for neurological injuries he claims to have suffered while participating in WWE matches. Said Mr Superfly, “I had no idea I was doing myself permanent damage when I was getting hit in the head with a steel chair.”

10. A Pennsylvania mother and her friend have been accused of driving with the woman’s two young children stuffed in the trunk of a red Corvette. “That’s despicable, you’ll ruin a perfectly good Corvette that way,” said Casey Anthony.