August 31, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, women are as obsessed with breasts as men. Which means 100% of the population have no idea what color Kate Upton’s eyes are.

2. The movie “Southside With You,” which tells the story of Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date in Chicago in 1989, opened over the weekend. It’s rated R, so it sounds like it’s also Malia’s origin story.

3. The movie “Southside With You,” which tells the story of Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date in Chicago in 1989, opened over the weekend. Which isn’t a new idea, they made a movie about Donald and Melania Trump’s first date years ago:
green card

4. A scientist in the U.K. predicted that people will be having sex with robots by the year 2050. Which means, in the future, a toaster will be less of a wedding present and more of a wedding date.

5. A new study suggests that the right mood music can influence how well people work together. Which explains why the Spice Girls broke up.

6. Newly drafted legislation may force mothers in Germany to reveal the men they’ve slept with in paternity cases. Unsurprisingly, the bill was introduced by Chancellor Maury Povich.

7. Yesterday, a Pennsylvania man was arrested for having sex with a miniature horse. But, in his defense, it did make his dick look huge.

8. Wildlife officials in Zimbabwe have begun dehorning the country’s adult rhinos to curb poaching. “Yeah, that’s how it starts,” said unicorns.

9. Yesterday it was announced that rapper Vanilla Ice, former Texas Governor Rick Perry and swimmer Ryan Lochte will star in the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.” So next month’s MENSA meeting is gonna be pretty empty.

10. On Monday, former Senator Anthony Weiner was caught sexting for the third time and on Tuesday, singer Chris Brown was arrested for pulling a gun on a woman during a dispute. “So, I guess i didn’t miss much,” said patients waking up from four year comas.

August 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday was Republican Senator John McCain’s 80th birthday. McCain closed his eyes, made a wish, blew out his candles and was disappointed when he opened his eyes to see that Trump was still running for president.

2. Huma Abedin announced Monday that she and her husband Anthony Weiner are separating after new repots surfaced that he sent sexually suggestive photos again. Under the terms of the break-up, she will get the house and the car and he will get all their unused anytime minutes.

3. Apple is being sued by owners of iPhone 6’s who say a design defect caused the phones’ touchscreen to become unresponsive and rendering it impossible to send or receive messages. Although, in some cases, maybe that’s for the best:
weiner

4. On Monday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. When asked what it was like to meet with someone who has such influence over people’s day-to-day lives, the Pope said, “It was nice.”

5. After undergoing an ultrasound, a pregnant woman in Florida received an image that made it look like she is pregnant with a bunny. Said the expected-mother to her OBGYN, “What’s up, Doc?”

6. Over the weekend, rival Los Angeles gangs the Crips and the Bloods reached an historic peace agreement. In, what I assume, was the most complicated handshake ever.

7. A video of a man having sex with a McChicken sandwich has gone viral. But, if you have a better way of making Chicken McNuggets, I’d love to hear it.

8. Mark David Chapman, the man who shot John Lennon, was denied parole for the ninth time on Sunday. So, for the time being, it looks like we’re stuck with Yoko.

9. Comedic actor Gene Wilder, star of “Charlie and Chocolate Factory,” died on Monday at the age of 83. Wilder is survived by his wife, his daughter and one very angry Oompa Loompa:
orange trump

10. Last week, a freak lightning storm killed 323 reindeers in the mountains of Norway. “That’ll teach ‘em to call me names,” said Rudolph.

August 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Everyday, Jose Luis Dominguez, a Mexico man walks his two kids, 7-year-old Luis and 8-year-old Kayla, across the U.S. border to school. Said Donald Trump, “That’s my nightmare, having to interact with my kids everyday.”

2. Three men in the U.K. are being charged with fraud after attemping to sell horsemeat as beef. Or, as Taco Bell refers to it, a solid business plan.

3. This year Arkansas Tech University is offering a new course entitled ‘How Not To Get Pregnant.’ Step one, don’t believe your cousin when he says he’s wearing a condom.

4. Charlie, a 6-year-old disabled black lab from Washington, had his special wheelchair stolen from his owner’s porch. But, on the plus-side, now he’s really mastered that ‘stay’ command.

5. Last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said people labeling him as a racist is “a tired argument.” And the last time something was labeled as a tired argument this campaign season, Ben Carson was still in the debates.

6. A new study has found that the more sex a person has the more selfless they tend to be. And, in related news, Paris Hilton has been named a saint.

7. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said on Saturday he would seek to develop a tracking system to ensure illegal immigrants who overstay their visas are removed from the United States. Said Trump, “Oh no, the beeping is coming from inside the house.”:
melania

8. According to new research, adults with parents who lived longer lives have a lower risk for circulatory problems in middle-age. Which explains why Batman is on Lipitor.

9. A developer in upstate New York wants to build an IHOP on a Revolutionary War burial site. So, the South may rise again, but first it’s gonna unbutton its pants and sit here for a while.

10. Princeton University has banned all gender-based terminology like cleaning lady and handyman. Said Princeton students, “Gross, now I have to learn their names!?!”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. It was announced yesterday that swimmer Ryan Lochte will be joining the cast of the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars.” So let me be the first to congratulate the winner of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” Michael Phelps.

2. Earlier this week, to protest the judges’ decision to not award the Olympic bronze medal to his wrestler, a Mongolian wrestling coach striped down to his underwear. It was the most overtly homoerotic thing to take place at the wrestling pavilion since the previous match.

3. Pizza Hut has created the world’s first playable pizza box that converts into turntables. Not to be outdone, I ordered Dominos yesterday and my deliver guy was DJ Jazzy Jeff.

4. Tokyo governor Yuriko Koike brought the Olympic flag to Japan from Brazil on Wednesday and called for all parties to work together to host a successful Summer Games in 2020. Step one, don’t tell Ryan Lochte about them.

5. According to wildlife experts, orangutans face complete extinction within the next ten years. And, even sooner if Eric and Don Jr. improve their aim:
trump hunting

6. Experts are predicting, in the not-too-distant future, robots will become criminals and cops will be powerless to stop them. Unless, of course, they paint the robots black.

7. Thousands gathered in Mexico City’s Chapultepec Park on Sunday to play Pokemon Go. Said Donald Trump, “It’s the perfect place to catch them all,” adding “what’s Pokemon?”

8. According to new research, middle and lower-income children don’t visit eye doctors as often as wealthier kids. So, maybe, when a bully asks a nerd “What are you looking at?” he genuinely wants to know.

9. A Donald Trump supporter who identified himself as half-Indian was escorted out of a Trump rally on Thursday because security thought he resembled another man who had disrupted previous rallies. Said security, “Our mistake, half of you can stay.”

10. Izzat Artykov, a male weightlifter from Kyrgyzstan, became the first athlete at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics to be stripped of a medal after testing positive for rat poison. Which is bullshit, because I dare you to spend one day in Kyrgyzstan and not think about eating rat poison.

August 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was announced yesterday that swimmer Ryan Lochte will be joining the cast of the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars.” So let me be the first to congratulate the winner of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” Michael Phelps.

2. Police in Sweden have dropped sexual assault charges against a man after it was discovered that his alleged victims had “gigantic breasts.” That, or the police sketch artist really needs a girlfriend.

3. Yesterday, political commentator Ann Coulter said she has a ‘blind loyalty’ to Donald Trump, adding, “Once he gave that Mexican rapist speech, I’ll walk across glass for him.” Or, to put it more romantically, you had me at ‘Mexican rapist.’

4. On Thursday, a Washington D.C. judge ruled that jumping over the White House fence is not free speech. “Does it matter which way you’re jumping?” said President Obama.

5. Part of Kenya’s Olympic team has been stranded in Brazil after the conclusion of the games. Or more likely, the Kenyan Olympic team looked around Rio and decided not to go back to Kenya.

6. This week, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence got his haircut at an African-American barbershop in Pennsylvania. Which explains this:
pence

7. In a recent interview, a 20-year-old Brazilian student who had a one night stand with Olympic champion Usain Bolt in Rio said “he has the body of a champion although his male parts do not match.” “I’ve heard that before,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

8. This week, researchers found a train at the bottom of Lake Superior 106 years after its derailment. “So it’s not coming?” said a really, really late businessman.

9. Former “Friends” star Courteney Cox says she now regrets some cosmetic procedures she had in the past. Begging the question, is David Arquette’s middle name ‘cosmetic procedures’?

10. A Nigerian man is being charged for provoking people and “breach of peace” for naming his dog after President Muhammadu Buhari. “That’s not how you get back at that dog,” said President Obama:

11. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe showed up to Sunday night’s Olympic Closing Ceremonies dressed as Super Mario. Although, I remember Yoshi looking different:
dragon

12. Mataelpino, a small Spanish town just outside Madrid, has replaced its annual running of the bulls with an Indiana Jones-style boulder run. Although, now and days, the only stones Indiana Jones is trying to outrun are kidney.

13. Last week, Ford announced that they will start building cars with no steering wheels or pedals. They will be called the Ford No Escape.
 
14. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump apologized on Thursday for past remarks that “may have caused personal pain.” And, to show he’s serious, Trump changed all his “Sorry Jeb” signs to “Sorry, Jeb” signs.
 
15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump and his running mate toured flood-damaged Louisiana on Friday. So, if the torrential flooding hasn’t convinced you to move, that should do it.

16. NASA has announced that it will put the International Space Station up for sale hoping that a private commercial owner will take over possession of the site. One downside, the neighbors suck:
earth

17. According to a new study, the average American family spends at least 10% of their yearly income on child care. And, in a related story, Casey Anthony just bought a new Bentley.

18. A Chinese monk, who died four years ago, is now being given the highest honor by his temple. So it’s either full and complete enlightenment or a jet-ski.

19. Earlier this week, to protest the judges’ decision to not award the Olympic bronze medal to his wrestler, a Mongolian wrestling coach striped down to his underwear. It was the most overtly homoerotic thing to take place at the wrestling pavilion since the previous match.

20. A 42-year-old Indian man had surgery to remove 40 knives from his stomach after he had an “uncontrollable urge” to eat the cutlery. “I bet all he needed was a spoon,” said Alanis Morrisette.

August 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pizza Hut has created the world’s first playable pizza box that converts into turntables. Not to be outdone, I ordered Dominos yesterday and my deliver guy was DJ Jazzy Jeff.

2. A 25-year-old man from Brooklyn set a Guinness World Record by binge-watching TV for 94 consecutive hours. Despite that, the man said he still has no idea who anyone is on “Game of Thrones.”

3. Video captured a quick-thinking seal that hitched a ride on a boat to get away from a pod of killer whales. Said the boat driver, “My plan worked perfectly”:
boat captain

4. An Ohio man was arrested after police observed him acting like a gorilla while touching himself inappropriately in public. “Oh, right, but you shoot me?” said Harambe.

5. According to a new study, 71% of Americans think bilingual people are more attractive. Although, the majority of them didn’t wait to hear the ‘lingual’ part.

6. According to a recent financial disclosure, a few months ago, the Trump campaign spent $55,000 dollars of campaign donations to buy 3,500 copies of Donald Trump’s book. But, in Trump’s defense, he did say he would be self-funding.

7. In a new interview, Eric Trump, son of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, said it would be foolish for his father to release his tax returns while being audited. Adding, “But there’s no rule against us getting a look at that will during an audit.”

8. Yesterday, Marvel Comics announced a reboot of Ironman staring a new superhero called Ironheart. “Get my lawyers on the phone,” said Dick Cheney.

9. Hillary Clinton is expected to spend a considerable amount of money on campaign ads that will run during football games. Her opponent has vowed to have his face present during NFL games as well:
redskins

10. Tokyo governor Yuriko Koike brought the Olympic flag to Japan from Brazil on Wednesday and called for all parties to work together to host a successful Summer Games in 2020. Step one, don’t tell Ryan Lochte about them.

August 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to wildlife experts, orangutans face complete extinction within the next ten years. And, even sooner if Eric and Don Jr. improve their aim:
trump hunting

2. Experts are predicting, in the not-too-distant future, robots will become criminals and cops will be powerless to stop them. Unless, of course, they paint the robots black.

3. According to a new study, being the male breadwinner of a household may be detrimental to that man’s psychological well-being and overall physical health. And, in a related story, Stedman feels great.

4. The state of Oregon has collected $25.5 million in marijuana taxes since the beginning of the year. Now, if they could just remember where they put it.

5. Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has repeatedly suggested that Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is hiding a mental illness. Although, the point seems less credible coming from a red-faced lunatic screaming at the top of his lungs:
giuliani

6. Los Angeles police are investigating a break-in at the famous Brady Bunch house. The last time that house saw such an unwelcomed visitor, cousin Oliver was moving in.

7. During a Little League World Series game, ESPN cameras caught a coach stopping by the pitcher’s mound to tell his son he loves him. Although, I bet he’d be singing a different tune if his kid were a catcher.

8. Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway told interviewers that she does not believe that Trump hurls personal insults. Said Conway, “He nicknamed both Marco Rubio and Michael Bloomberg ‘little’, he called two people by the same name, that’s not personal.”

9. Actor Jonah Hill snorted so much fake cocaine during the filming of “The Wolf of Wall Street” he ended up in the hospital. Although, if you told me there was an actor who OD’d on powder sugar, he would have been my first guess.

10. Scientists are developing an edible form of packaging which they hope will preserve food more effectively than plastic film. “Wait, those Twinkie wrappers weren’t edible before?” said Chris Christie.

August 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Thousands gathered in Mexico City’s Chapultepec Park on Sunday to play Pokemon Go. Said Donald Trump, “It’s the perfect place to catch them all,” adding “what’s Pokemon?”

2. Over the weekend, a 20-year-old Brazilian college student posted pictures of her in bed with Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt. Afterwhich, Bolt set the Olympic record for fastest walk of shame ever.

3. Over the weekend, a 20-year-old Brazilian college student posted pictures of her in bed with Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt. Well to be fair, the picture is her next to a black, green and yellow blur, so it’s most likely Bolt.

4. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe showed up to Sunday night’s Olympic Closing Ceremonies dressed as Super Mario. But, in his defense, considering the sewage problems leading up to the games, Rio can always use another plumber.

5. Kentucky Fried Chicken is giving away sunscreen that makes you smell like fried chicken. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water:
jaws

6. Kentucky Fried Chicken is giving away sunscreen that makes you smell like fried chicken. Although, if you’re eating enough KFC to earn free sunscreen, it’s probably in everyone’s best interest if you keep your shirt on at the beach.

7. Model Tyra Banks will be teaching a class at Stanford Business School next semester. Not to be outdone, billionaire Warren Buffett will be teaching a seminar on Doing Business in a Global Economy at Wharton in a two-piece bikini.

8. Yesterday, Eric Trump claimed his father Donald shamed President Obama by visiting flooded Louisiana first saying, “When there is a problem, when there is a natural disaster, when there is an issue, my father will be the first person there.” But, that’s only because he’ll probably be the one who caused it.

9. A lesbian couple in Australia allegedly robbed a nun at knifepoint and stole her rosary beads. Said the nun, “That’s gonna be 500 Hail Mary’s, plus a few for the rosary beads.”

10. According to new research, middle and lower-income children don’t visit eye doctors as often as wealthier kids. So, maybe, when a bully asks a nerd “What are you looking at?” he genuinely wants to know.

August 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Donald Trump supporter who identified himself as half-Indian was escorted out of a Trump rally on Thursday because security thought he resembled another man who had disrupted previous rallies. Said security, “Our mistake, half of you can stay.”

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump toured flood-damaged Louisiana on Friday. So, I say this from the bottom of my heart, Orangie, you’re doing a heck of a job.

3. Last week, French Olympic race walker Yohann Dinizeven shit himself, passed out and still finished eighth. And, although, there were 78 racers total, the guy who finished ninth and ran right behind Dinizeven the whole race is the real loser.

4. A grandmother in Illinois celebrated her 100th birthday by beating her grandkids in beer pong. Or, more likely, those kids are anxious to get their hands on the will and let her win.

5. Izzat Artykov, a male weightlifter from Kyrgyzstan, became the first athlete at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics to be stripped of a medal after testing positive for rat poison. Which is bullshit, because I dare you to spend one day in Kyrgyzstan and not think about eating rat poison.

6. Paul Manafort resigned as chairman of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign on Friday. Manafort plans to spend more time at home with his loved ones, and by that, I assume he means he’s moving to the Ukraine.

7. Dick Assman, a Canadian man with an unusual name who rose to fame after being featured on the “Late Show with David Letterman,” died last week. He is survived by his wife Anita Assman, his kids Mya Assman and Imma Assman, and Kim Kardashian.

8. A substitute teacher in Pennsylvania has admitted to having sex with a 17-year-old student in a car parked in a cemetery earlier this year. Which explains why that kid was so looking forward to his grandfather’s funeral.

9. Researchers have now developed a world penis-size map. And, despite their geographical proximity, Africa and China have never been father apart.

10. A woman in the U.K. is selling her wedding dress on eBay to pay for her divorce. So, now I’m really concerned that she’s also selling baby clothes.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A 120-year-old Hindu monk named Swami Sivananda says the key to his long life has been daily yoga and a vow of celibacy. Luckily, when you’re celibate, being very flexible comes in handy.

2. KFC is now licensed to sell marijuana in its Canadian stores. Not to be outdone, this guy will sell you an eight-ball:
burger-king

3. According to reports, ‘Dancing with the Stars’ wants former President Bill Clinton to compete on the show. Said Bill, “That’s nice, but did ‘The Bachelor’ call?”

4. Egypt’s state-run television has suspended eight of its female presenters for being overweight. They were so overweight Roger Ailes could barely hit on them.

5. A young boy accidentally ate his dog’s chew toy and now squeaks whenever he talks. Or, as Kristin Chenoweth refers to it, a career.

6. Researchers have developed a map comparing the average breast sizes of women from all around the world. Even more impressive, it’s a topographical map.

7. Last week, residents of Rio de Janeiro spotted a severed leg floating in the water just a few miles from Olympics sailing events. So now, Oscar Pistorius is really mad about missing these games. They’re just giving away legs over there.

8. The creator of the TV series “Homeland” said the president in the show’s next season is part Donald Trump and part Hillary Clinton. He said viewers will be able to easily determine which features and characteristics are drawn from which candidate, except for the fictional president’s small, delicate, feminine hands.

9. On Saturday, Actor Robert De Niro said that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump should not run for president because he was “totally nuts”. Said Trump, “You talkin’ to me?”

10. New leaked footage has emerged alleging showing actor Johnny Depp throwing a wine glass at his ex-wife Amber Heard. And, in an even worse show of spousal abuse, additional videos show Depp making Heard go to the premiere of all his movies.