March 31, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two former DEA agents are being charged with wire fraud and money laundering after allegedly stealing Bitcoins during a recent federal investigation. The agents either stole the equivalent of $33 million or nothing.

2. After President Obama speaks at Hill Air Force Base in Utah on Friday, the Commander-in-Chief will have visited every state but South Dakota while in office. Which may have something to do with South Dakota’s state motto, “South Dakota, if you’ve already seen North Dakota, why bother?”

3. Many viewers of the iHeart Radio Music Awards which aired on Sunday night took to social media to complain about a controversial joke that host Jamie Foxx made about Bruce Jenner. Which is ridiculous, as anyone who’s seen “White House Down” or Booty Call” can tell you, there are much better reasons to be angry at Jamie Foxx.

4. A Turkish Airlines flight was diverted on Monday after a note with the word “bomb” written on it was found in the lavatory. But, if we had to shut everything down anytime evidence of a bomb was discovered in a bathroom, Starbucks would never be open.

5. Festo, a German technology company, said that 3D printed bionic ants, the size of a human hand, could work in the factories of the future. Germany, bringing your nightmares to life since 1912.

6. According to a new study, due to pesticides, men who eat more fruits and vegetables, tend to have lower sperm counts. So yeah, that’s probably a banana and only a banana in his pocket.

7. On Monday, the NFL fined the Atlanta Falcons $350,000 for piping in artificial crowd noise during home games last season. The New York Jets did the same thing, but weren’t fined, after it was determined that the fake crowd noise was still people booing the Jets.

8. A new study shows that a 45 minute nap around noon can enhance a person’s memory. So now you’ll never forget when you got fired from work for sleeping in the middle of the day.

9. In what many see as a sign that Marco Rubio will announce his intentions to run for president in 2016, the Florida Senator has reserved the Freedom Tower in downtown Miami on April 13th. Said both Rubio supporters and detectors, “I hope he takes the leap.”

10. In a recent interview, actor Vin Diesel said the upcoming ‘Fast and Furious 7’ movie will win the Oscar for the year’s best picture. Adding, “Unless, of course, literally any other movie comes out this year.”

March 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, Shayanna Jenkins, the fiancee of former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez who now stands accused of murder, testified that she remembered seeing a gun “in the kitchen junk drawer.” Although, at that point, I think you can call it the gun drawer.

2. Last week, the Oprah Winfrey television network announced that it will produce a reality show about a man who has 34 children with 17 different women. That story again, the O Network is gonna start airing NBA games.

3. The first U.S. penny, which is 223 years old, sold for nearly $1.2 million dollars last week. Not since Rob Reiner’s wedding day has someone overvalued a Penny by that much.

4. A 32-year-old Arizona woman has been arrested for allegedly exposing her breasts to several guests at a bar-mitzvah party before engaging in oral sex with a 15-year-old boy. Apparently she misunderstood when the Rabbi said it was time for the Hora.

5. According to research, mothers who are overweight before pregnancy and those who gain too much weight while pregnant are more likely to have obese seven-year-olds. While men who tell pregnant women they are gaining too much weight are more likely to have black-eyes.

6. According to a new study, eyeliner applied on the inside of the eyelash is very likely to move into the eye itself and cause problems. So take note, women and Russell Brand.

7. According to a new memo, the Secret Service has issued new guidelines on the consumption of alcoholic beverages and the operation of government issued vehicles. Said the memo, “Don’t.”

8. Mayor Rahm Emanuel is reportedly considering renaming one of Chicago’s airports after President Obama. Said Emanuel, “I think it’s an idea everyone can get behind, in fact, I even heard some Republicans talking about Obama’s estimated time of departure.”

9. According to research, the collapse of the universe will happen sooner than expected. Because, apparently, Kim Kardashian has been making some progress on the Rubik’s Cube.

10. A new device modeled after the Keurig coffee machine has been developed that makes instant Jell-O shots. “Where have you been all my life?” said Bill Cosby.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday, it was announced that the next season of the wildly popular PBS series “Downton Abbey” will be its last. Said the executive producer, “Now that Zayn’s no longer in One Direction, what’s the point of anything anymore?”

2. Police are looking for two women who stole more than $2,000 worth of merchandise from a T.J. Maxx store. The women as said to be armed and extremely poorly dressed.

3. On Thursday, Pope Francis made a surprise personal visit to 150 homeless people who were on a special tour of the Sistine Chapel. The Pope said he felt very comfortable in their presence because he’s used to people asking for change from the Church.

4. This upcoming baseball season, the Milwaukee Brewers will be offering fried nachos on a stick, which consists of a stick of beef, loaded with refried beans, rolled in Doritos, deep fried and then drizzled with sour cream and nacho cheese. Leaving fans who eat the item, much like the Brewers themselves, scrambling to get home in time.

5. Six decades after the brutal slaying of Emmett Till, a 14-year-old African-American boy, the Mississippi town where two white men were acquitted of his murder is dedicating a museum to the event credited with jumpstarting the U.S. civil rights movement. So great news, you’re just 60 years away from getting a new museum, Ferguson.

6. Three and a half decades after calling for homosexuals to be stoned, former Bob Jones University President Bob Jones III has apologized. Said Jones, “Thirty-five years later, I realize my thinking was very un-evolved, we have guns now.”

7. Broadway is getting its first lesbian lead character when “Fun Home,” an award-winning musical, opens next month. Which means I owe Annie a big apology.

8. Scientists have genetically engineered a new type of potato that does not bruise. “That sounds like a challenge,” said Chris Brown.

9. People are paying up to $1,000 to play with finger paints and Play-Doh at an adult preschool in Brooklyn. But, for just $1,000 more, you can get the exact same experience and a degree from Florida State University.

10. On Friday, magician David Copperfield’s Manhattan rooftop pool burst, flooding his apartment and the apartments of neighbors beneath him. Because, as Claudia Schiffer can tell you, nothing good comes from being under David Copperfield.

March 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, it was announced that the next season of the wildly popular PBS series “Downton Abbey” will be its last. Said the executive producer, “Now that Zayn’s no longer in One Direction, what’s the point of anything anymore?”

2. Burger King stores in Japan are reportedly planning to sell Whopper scented cologne. “Finally, the days of buying four Whoppers and using one to dab behind my ears, are behind me,” said Chris Christie.

3. Burger King stores in Japan are reportedly planning to sell Whopper scented cologne. Begging the question, how bad do you normally smell if smelling like a Whopper is preferable?

4. A couple was arrested in Florida for having sex next to a playground in the middle of the day. So, yeah, they swing.

5. A man in Minnesota, recovering from surgery, won $7 million from a lottery ticket he received in a Get Well card. And, in related news, the man who sent that card just checked into the hospital.

6. Sam Taylor-Johnson, the director of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” told Deadline.com on Thursday that she will not return to direct the sequel. Actually, she just said her agreed upon safety word which, of course, means she’s out.

7. On Thursday, Pope Francis made a surprise personal visit to 150 homeless people who were on a special tour of the Sistine Chapel. The Pope said he felt very comfortable in their presence because he’s used to people asking for change from the Church.

8. Police are looking for two women who stole more than $2,000 worth of merchandise from a T.J. Maxx store. The women as said to be armed and extremely poorly dressed.

9. This upcoming baseball season, the Milwaukee Brewers will be offering fried nachos on a stick, which consists of a stick of beef, loaded with refried beans, rolled in Doritos, deep fried and then drizzled with sour cream and nacho cheese. Leaving fans who eat the item, much like the Brewers themselves, scrambling to get home in time.

10. Britain issued new guidance on Tuesday for doctors treating severely and terminally ill children, strongly advising that children’s owns views on whether they want to live or die should be taken into account. Because sometimes kids don’t know what “terminally” means.

11. Two Maryland high school students have been accused of using Twitter to cheat on standardized tests. Teachers became suspicious when the students answered every question with “I love you @JustinBieber, please follow back.”

12. On Monday, actor Vin Diesel revealed that he named his new daughter after his late “Fast & Furious” co-star Paul Walker. Like every casting director in Hollywood, Diesel settled upon Walker after Ryan Gosling turned him down.

13. On Friday, the World Health Organization said the most widely-used weed killer, Monsanto’s Roundup, can “probably” cause cancer. But, in Monsanto’s defense, their company slogan is “We Cause Cancer.”

14. According to a new report, installing sobriety tests in all new cars to prevent drunk drivers from starting the engine could help avoid 85 percent of alcohol-related deaths on U.S. roads. In an unrelated story, Billy Joel has starting stocking up on classic cars.

15. Six decades after the brutal slaying of Emmett Till, a 14-year-old African-American boy, the Mississippi town where two white men were acquitted of his murder is dedicating a museum to the event credited with jumpstarting the U.S. civil rights movement. So great news, you’re just 60 years away from getting a new museum, Ferguson.

March 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former President George W. Bush will be in Dallas all this week raising money for his brother Jeb’s presidential run. So, if you’re in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, be sure to stop by George’s lemonade stand.

2. According to research, seventy minutes of math and science homework per night is best for teenage students. As a result, the researchers have been given wedgies and stuffed into their lockers.

3. Yesterday, singer Zayn Malik announced that he is quitting the wildly popular boy-band One Direction. Malik said he made the decision after getting some good advice from Pete Best.

4. Ketchup maker Heinz is acquiring a majority stake in Kraft Foods to create the third-largest North American food company. Fourth, if Chris Christie ever becomes incorporated.

5. On Wednesday, a bill that would make physician-assisted suicide legal for terminally ill patients in California passed through the state Senate. “I guess I was just ahead of my time,” said Dr. Conrad Murray.

6. According to research, typing text messages, scrolling web pages and checking emails on your smartphone may be changing the way your thumbs and brain interact. Which may explain why some movie critics gave “Mortdechai” two thumbs up.

7. Major League Baseball said on Wednesday it was investigating whether Miami Marlins pitcher Jared Cosart discussed sports betting with an alleged gambler on Twitter. If found guilty, Cosart could be sentenced to up to five more years pitching for the Marlins.

8. This upcoming baseball season, the Milwaukee Brewers will be offering fried nachos on a stick, which will consist of a stick of beef, loaded with refried beans, rolled in Doritos, deep fried and then drizzled with sour cream and nacho cheese. This marks the biggest breakthrough in nacho-related technology since the nacho cheese hat.

9. This week, Taco Bell introduced a new breakfast menu item called biscuit tacos. You know, traditional Mexican food.

10. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that the Charlotte Hornets and the Los Angeles Clippers will play two pre-season games in China next year. The exhibition games will give Chinese kids the thrill of watching the basketball shoes they made in action.

March 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes (Ted Cruz edition)

1. On Monday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz gave a speech at Liberty University announcing his intentions to run for president, a speech that students were required to attend. Because nothing says liberty like mandatory attendance.

2. Following his Monday announcement that he will run for president, Senator Ted Cruz released his first official campaign video. Which means this week we got two videos from guys named Cruise/Cruz about impossible missions.

3. On Tuesday, Republican Senator Ted Cruz, who has vowed to repeal “every word” of the Affordable Care Act, told CNN that he intends to sign up for Obamacare while he runs for president. Yeah, sometimes these things don’t even need a punchline.

4. The U.S. Park Service is reportedly considering using dogs to chase away Canadian geese that drop up to three pounds of poop a day on the National Mall. Between these geese and Ted Cruz, it’s been a big week for Canadians who clog up D.C. with useless crap.

5. According to a new Reuters poll, fictional TV presidents like Frank Underwood of “House of Cards,” David Palmer of “24,” and Jed Bartlet of “The West Wing” all have higher job approval ratings among U.S. voters than President Obama. Said President Obama, “You know Frank Underwood killed a guy, right?”

6. Two years after she underwent a double mastectomy to cut her cancer risk, actress Angelina Jolie has had surgery to remove her ovaries and fallopian tubes for the same reason. “I’ll take ‘em,” said Bruce Jenner.

7. On Monday, actor Vin Diesel revealed that he named his new daughter after his late “Fast & Furious” co-star Paul Walker. This way Diesel doesn’t have to try to remember a new name.

8. According to a White House press release, President Obama and his former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton met on Monday behind closed doors. Said Bill Clinton, “A behind closed door meeting? I invented that move!”

9. George Zimmerman says he holds a grudge against President Obama, accusing him of needlessly inflaming racial tensions around the Trayvon Martin case. Also raising tensions around the Trayvon Martin case, shooting Trayvon Martin.

10. The Vatican said on Tuesday that homeless people will get a special private tour of its museums and the Sistine Chapel. Because there’s nothing homeless people like more than seeing large, enclosed areas that are protected from the elements and hardly being used.

March 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Todd Jones, the director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives announced that he will be stepping down on March 31 to take a job with the NFL. Said Jones, “I was spending so much of my time dealing with NFL players it just made sense to start working with the directly.”

2. NFL owners voted on Monday to suspend the league’s local TV blackout policy for the 2015 season. “Oh good, I’m so sick of blacking-out,” said players’ wives.

3. Three and a half decades after calling for homosexuals to be stoned, former Bob Jones University President Bob Jones III has apologized. Said Jones, “Thirty-five years later, I realize my thinking was very un-evolved, we have guns now.”

4. Robert Durst, the real estate heir awaiting extradition to California to face a murder charge, was denied bail on Monday after a judge deemed him a likely flight risk. Which is bad news for Durst and even worse news for people hoping for a second season of “the Jinx.”

5. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said he is okay if likely humber one pick Jameis Winston stays home instead of attending the upcoming draft Chicago. “We second that,” the women of Chicago.

6. Broadway is getting its first lesbian lead character when “Fun Home,” an award-winning musical, opens next month. Which means I owe Annie a big apology.

7. Scientists have genetically engineered a new type of potato that does not bruise. “That sounds like a challenge,” said Chris Brown.

8. On Monday, thieves broke into an apartment in England and stole 38 python snakes. And you gotta feel bad for the owner of that apartment, because you know things aren’t going well when thugs break into your home and realize the most expensive thing they can steal is a bunch of snakes.

9. Recently, Mitt Romney said his biggest campaign mistake in 2012 was not communicating well with minorities. Specifically, when he tried to do so, he always began those conversations with “And now I’m going to communicate with some minorities.”

10. On Friday, singer Pharrell Williams gave a speech at the United Nations urging immediate action on the issue of climate change. But, I guess he wasn’t that convincing since not even one delegate turned their chair around.

March 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. People are paying up to $1,000 to play with finger paints and Play-Doh at an adult preschool in Brooklyn. But, for just $1,000 more, you can get the exact same experience and a degree from Florida State University.

2. According to a new study, people can be so turned off by obese individuals that they actually imagine a bad smell. Said Chris Christie, “That’s not your imagination, that’s just New Jersey.”

3. On Friday, magician David Copperfield’s Manhattan rooftop pool burst, flooding his apartment and the apartments of neighbors beneath him. Because, as Claudia Schiffer can tell you, nothing good comes from being under David Copperfield.

4. For the first time in the history of the ‘Star Wars’ franchise, composer John Williams will not score the next film in the series. Said ‘Star Wars’ fans, “Not scoring? We always knew he was one of us.”

5. Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada, is expected to announce his intentions to run for president in 2016 today. Thus locking up the all-important Canadian vote.

6. Six decades after the brutal slaying of Emmett Till, a 14-year-old African-American boy, the Mississippi town where two white men were acquitted of his murder is dedicating a museum to the event credited with jumpstarting the U.S. civil rights movement. Because if there are two things the people of Mississippi love it’s tolerance and museums.

7. Hastily buried in 1485 following his death at the Battle of Busworth under what would eventually become a parking lot, King Richard III was reburied on Sunday. “The food at the first funeral was better,” said Larry King.

8. Over the weekend, the field of 64 college basketball teams was whittled down to just 16 remaining teams. “Wait, they already started playing the games?” said the secretary leading your office pool.

9. According to a new study, getting sufficient sleep is vital for healthy sexual desires in women. Which, I assume, means Sleeping Beauty was a freak.

10. A new study found that dogs respond positively to the chemical oxytocin, the so-called love hormone. Which is great news for depressed dogs and terrible news for your leg.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk said on Thursday that his company will soon offer upgrades including hands-free staring it its Model S sedan. “Wait, my car doesn’t already have that? That explains a lot.” said Billy Joel.

2. According to reports, Senator Rand Paul will declare his candidacy for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination on April 7th. Although, considering his chances, April 1st seems more appropriate.

3. According to rumors, Al Gore is considering a run for president in 2016. He already has a campaign slogan, which was Bill Clinton’s favorite saying while in office, “Don’t Tell Hillary.”

4. Earlier this week, a flight from Washington D.C. to Denver was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger ran up and down the aisle telling, “Jihad! Jihad!” But, in that man’s defense, the inflight movie was “Mortdecai.”

5. A bathroom at an Indiana Walmart has been closed indefinitely after an employee discovered a working meth lab inside. No arrests have been made, but authorities would like to talk to Walmart employee No Teeth Joe.

6. BlackBerry unveiled its newest smartphone yesterday that was designed by Porsche and costs nearly $2,000. It’s a great way to let people know you have a tiny penis even when you’re not driving your Porsche.

7. According to a new study, a simple vision test using a stopwatch and flashcards can help parents and coaches diagnose young athletes with concussions. The way it works is, if your kid can’t tell the difference between the stopwatch and the flashcards, he has a concussion.

8. The Milwaukee Brewers have banned their players from high-fifing each other to prevent the spread of a pink-eye outbreak. Despite appearances, the New York Mets haven’t banned high fives, they just haven’t had any reason to celebrate.

9. On Sunday, in response to the upcoming documentary film about Scientology, the church released a letter saying the movie has “at least one major error every two minutes.” Which means the upcoming Brian Williams bio-pic will have to come up with a new tag line.

10. CNN is set to air an exclusive interview with Britain’s Prince Charles this week. So if you’re interested in watching an out-of-touch and behind the times institution that no longer serves a relevant purpose, it will be interviewing Prince Charles this week.

March 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to new research, watching pornography can improve men’s sex lives with their partners. “Still no,” said the researchers’ wives.

2. In a recent interview, Madonna said she would like to go on a date with rapper Drake. Said Drake, “Great, I’ll make a dinner reservation at Hometown Buffett for 4pm.”

3. On Thursday, retailer TJ Maxx pulled from their shelves a t-shirt with the phrase “Hang Loose” alongside an image of a noose. “Does it come in white?” said the KKK.

4. A pro-Hillary Political Action Committee has sprung up rallying support around the idea of making Bill Clinton the First Lady. But, if I know Bill, he’s not gonna stop after the first lady.

5. A pro-Hillary Political Action Committee has sprung up rallying support around the idea of making Bill Clinton the First Lady. A man as First Lady isn’t that novel of an idea when you remember that Barbara Bush held that position for four years.

6. Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk said on Thursday that his company will soon offer upgrades including hands-free staring it its Model S sedan. “Wait, my car doesn’t already have that? That explains a lot.” said Billy Joel.

7. According to financial experts, GoDaddy’s upcoming IPO is expected to value the company at $2.87 billion. Which seems like a lot for a company, that I’m pretty sure, just makes SuperBowl ads.

8. Good news for people with protruding ears, according to a new study, strangers do notice the ears but don’t make negative personality judgments based on them. So I guess it’s a relief for Prince Charles to know that people aren’t making negative personality judgments based on his ears but rather on his shitty personality.

9. Yesterday, One Direction member Zayn Malik took a leave of absence from the band’s ongoing tour due to stress. And you’d be stressed out too if you had to listen to One Direction music every goddamn night.

10. French comedian Dieudonne M’bala M’bala was fined $24,000 for anti-semetic comments he made in 2013. Because everyone knows, if you don’t like or want to be around Jews, consider a career in comedy.

11. Japanese authorities are investigating death threats made against Caroline Kennedy, the American ambassador to Japan. Authorities are unsure if the threats are serious, but, just to be safe, have asked Kennedy to avoid going near any libraries or book depositories.

12. Some 30,000 pounds of live lobsters from Canada survived for several hours after a truck carrying them slid off a highway in Maine on Wednesday. Said one motorist,”Where’s a truck full of melted butter when you need one?”

13. Oprah Winfrey is selling items from her Chicago apartment to benefit her education foundation. Which is great news for anyone in the market for clothing with extremely elastic waistbands.

14. On Monday, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz encouraged his baristas to engage customers in conversations about race. Because there’s no better time to have a discussion about a sensitive topic like race than before people have their first cup of coffee in the morning.

15. In a recent interview with ‘Playboy’ magazine, former Vice President Dick Cheney called President Obama the worst president of his lifetime. Adding, “And I should know about terrible presidents because I had a front row seat for eight years.”

16. A bathroom at an Indiana Walmart has been closed indefinitely after an employee discovered a working meth lab inside. Which may explain how Karen was able to work four 24-hour shifts in a row.

17. South African doctors say they have completed the first successful penis transplant surgery. Doctors knew the surgery was a success when the patient sold his Porsche.

18. According to research, being unmarried and alone increases one’s chances of dying early by 30%. So cheer up single ladies in your 40s, it will all be over soon.

19. Over the weekend, 54-year-old Mark Jordan set a Guinness World Record by doing 4,321 pull-ups in 24 hours. “Dude, are you gonna be done with the pull-up bar any time soon?” said the guy behind him at ht gym.

20. It was recently revealed that the personal information of over 50,000 Uber drivers was stolen by hackers. Great idea guys, steal the identities of people so broke that they’ve resorted to giving strangers rides in their own cars.