April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

December 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump defended his controversial ban on all Muslims from entering the U.S. by saying that “many Muslim friends of mine are in agreement with me.” But, if you were friends with Trump, you’d probably be in favor of a proposal that kept you away from him as well.

2. Yesterday Donald Trump ripped Time magazine’s pick of Angela Merkel as their “Person of the Year,” saying she is “ruining Germany.” Merkel has been added to Trump’s list of people who have ruined Germany, so now the list reads “Angela Merkel” and “the Allies.”

3. In defending his proposed ban on Muslims entering the United States, Republican Donald Trump compared himself to FDR. So, fingers-crossed that this is Trump’s way of telling us that he has polio.

4. U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim comments cost him business in the Middle East on Wednesday, with a major chain of department stores halting sales of his glitzy “Trump Home” line of lamps, mirrors and jewelry boxes. So now shoppers in the Middle East will just have a find new way to make their homes look like one of Liberace’s wet dreams.

5. A German factory operated largely by robots will make its first 500 pairs of running shoes for Adidas early next year as the sportswear company seeks to cut labor costs. While factories in China won’t replace their workforce until advancements are made in the field of child robots.

6. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio said his favorite show is “The Walking Dead.” Although Rubio thinks “The Walking Dead” is a documentary about Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign.

7. The John Hopkins University medical team that performed arm and hand transplants hopes to perform the first penile transplant in the United States in the coming months. Said the man who will be the recipient, “It could be sooner, we’re just waiting for an NBA player to die.”

8. The Boston Public Health Commission said on Wednesday, at least 80 students who ate at a local Chipotle restaurant have been sickened by norovirus, which is essentially a very severe form of food poisoning. In response, rival Taco Bell issued a statement saying customers cannot get food poisoning at their establishments since nothing they serve can be categorized as food.

9. According to a new study, elderly women who have urinary incontinence are at increased risk of falls. Coincidentally they tend to be in a lot of areas that tend to be pretty slippery.

10. This week, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will become a part-time vegetarian to cut down on his carbon footprint. Then he drove off in a Hummer inside of a tank.

Monologue Jokes – May 30, 2013

1. On Wednesday, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann announced she will not run for re-election in 2014. Bachmann said she is excited to spend more time at home with her husband and his good friend Bruce.

2. On Wednesday, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann announced she will not run for re-election in 2014. When asked about his wife’s decision, Marcus Bachmann said he was “glad,” although he didn’t specify whether it was spelled with one or two d’s.

3. On Wednesday, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann announced she will not run for re-election in 2014. Said Bachmann, “I’m excited to spend more time with my family and hopefully see that Liberace movie my husband’s been raving about.”

4. On Wednesday, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann announced she will not run for re-election in 2014, but instead return to her life in Minnesota. So Washington D.C.’s loss is Minnesota’s even bigger loss.

5. James Lipton, longtime host of Bravo’s “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” recently revealed that he was a Parisian pimp for a brief period of time. That may explain the catchphrase he uses on the acting show, “Bitch better act right.”

6. The World Organization for Animal Health has upgraded the U.S.’s risk classification for mad cow disease to its safest level, which could increase U.S. beef exports. So it’s kind of a good news/bad news situation for cows.

7. Former Beatle Ringo Starr is set to release a photography book full of photos of the Fab Four in their heyday. The good news is the collection contains over 100 previously unseen photos of the band, the bad news is Ringo’s in all of them.

8. Teen pop star Justin Bieber is under investigation for allegedly speeding through his gated Los Angeles community in a sports car, prompting neighbors to complain to police. Although, in his defense, I’m sure it’s very hard for Justin to concentrate on the speedometer when there are that many mirrors around.

9. A study released on Wednesday showed that for years immigrants have paid far more into Medicare’s coffers than they have pulled out. But maybe if immigrants were better at pulling out we wouldn’t have such a big immigration problem to start with.

10. A new study concludes the odds of having a medical emergency on your plane are 604 to 1 and the chance of ending up at a different airport as a result are 8,500 to 1. But the numbers are a little skewed because if it’s the pilot who’s having the medical emergency you’re not gonna be landing anywhere.

11. Under mounting pressure from activists and advertisers, Facebook is ramping up efforts to stamp out hate speech, particularly depictions of violence against women. So kiss all those Chris Brown fanpages goodbye.