April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

October 21, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, owning a dog is tied to lowering your risk of dying early by 24%. Counterpoint:

2. This week, NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch conducted the first all-female spacewalk. On a congratulatory call, President Trump praised them as “brave, brave women,” while Vice President Pence said “you’re still too close.” 

3. This week, the Paris zoo unveiled an unusual organism, nicknamed ‘the blob,’ which can heal itself and has 720 sexes. “A gross amorphous creature that has a lot of sex, nicknamed ‘the blob’? You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Harvey Weinstein.

4. In a recent interview, Packers legend Brett Favre said he believes he stayed in the NFL too long. He said the warning signs included constant headaches, significant memory loss, and agreeing to be the Jets quarterback:

5. According to a recent report, concussions increased by 44% during this year’s NFL preseason. But, on the plus-side, that means around half of the Miami Dolphins won’t remember this season. 

6. A Florida man was reportedly arrested last week for trying to get an alligator drunk after his pals captured the reptile. Even worse, that gator was their designated driver.

7. Last week, a man walked 351 miles to have sex with a 14-year-old girl who turned out to be an undercover cop. So ladies, he’s single and into fitness.

8. Australia recently refused entry to a Vietnamese woman for failing to declare 22 pounds of raw pork, seafood and poultry upon her arrival in Sydney. “Where were you guys eleven hours ago?” said the guy who sat next to her on the plane ride over. 

9. Temperatures in Colorado plunged 64 degrees on Thursday last week. The last time the temperature dropped that quickly, Ann Coulter walked into the room. 

10.  Native New Yorker Alec Baldwin got scammed by a ticket seller in New York City. Oh no, did he get tricked into attending a live taping of the new “Match Game”?:

11. Actor Jonah Hill reportedly turned down an offer to play the Penguin in the upcoming Batman movie. Apparently Jonah rejected the role because he didn’t want to lose weight. 

12. The Trump White House on Tuesday rejected an impeachment inquiry launched by Democrats in the House of Representatives as “constitutionally invalid.”. But, on the plus-side, that means this administration has at least heard of the Constitution.

13. An Oklahoma woman is recovering after she was shot in the leg when her dog stepped on a loaded handgun. Said Rover, “No. You fetch!”

14. According to a new report, nearly two-thirds of North American birds will go extinct due to global warming. “Good,” said President Trump:

15. President Trump said on Thursday he does not know the two associates of his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani who were arrested, even if they are in a picture with him. Which is true, just because they are in a picture with him, doesn’t mean Donald knows them, for instance, he has no idea who these people are:

16. According to prosecutors, the two associates of Rudy Giuliani who were arrested last week, had purchased one-way airline tickets out of the U.S. “So there are at least two open seats on that flight?” asked Mike and Karen Pence.

17. According to CNN, Rudy Giuliani is still the President’s attorney but will not be dealing with matters involving Ukraine. So it’s back to the basics for Giuliani, paying off pornstars.

18. Newly revealed court documents allege that actor Cuba Gooding Jr asked a stranger to “sit on [his] face and pee in [his] mouth” after groping her. But, on the plus-side, at least this time he asked first.

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

March 18, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Scotland’s worst serial killer Angus Sinclair died at the age of 73. He is survived by his ‘to-do’ list.

2. It has been announced that there will be a new emoji to represent interracial couples. So, if you thought your grandfather were confused by emojis before…

3. A German yachtsman who was knocked overboard credited his jeans with saving his life after fashioning them into a make-shift life jacket that kept him afloat for over three hours. That story again, at this point, Jay Leno is basically half fish: 

4. A Texas couple has a started a company that sells beer for dogs. Or, as it’s more commonly known, Michelob Lite.

5. A British company has introduced a wearable penis camera. So gone are the days of having to tape a GoPro to your balls.

6. According to a new report, the average city bus in New York City travels just 6.4 miles per hour, which transit researchers have pointed out is nearly 2 miles per hour slower than a rat can sprint. “That’s why we take the subway to work,” said business rats:

7. This week, NASA said that the first person on Mars will most likely be a woman. “Fuck,” said Dr. John Gray:

8. According to newly released emails, Rudy Giuliani reassured Michael Cohen in an April 2018 email that Cohen could “sleep well tonight” because he had “friends in high places.” Which means one of two things, Giuliani was dangling a presidential pardon or he was once again stuck in a tree:

9. Toyota announced plans to send an electric car to the moon by 2029. The way it will work is the driver will enter “Flagstaff, Arizona” into Apple Maps GPS and then follow the directions.

10. “Full House” actress Lori Loughlin appeared in federal court in Los Angeles on Wednesday to face charges of taking part in a scheme in which dozens of wealthy parents are accused of paying for their children to cheat their way into prestigious universities. And yet somehow Dave Coulier still walks around a free man.

11. Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort read a statement during his sentencing hearing this week asking the judge for leniency so he can spend time with his wife. Said the judge, “Don’t worry, where you’re going, you’ll be the wife”:

12. Senator Cory Booker all but guaranteed at a campaign event on Friday that he will pick a woman as his running mate if he wins his party’s nomination. “It sounds good in theory,” said the ghost of John McCain.

13. Actress Rosario Dawson, whose film credits include “Rent” and “Men in Black II,” has confirmed reports she is dating presidential candidate Cory Booker. Not to be confused with President Trump’s actress girlfriend who stared in “Bent” and “II Black Men”:

14. According to a new study women who gain more weight than recommended while pregnant may increase their chances for serious complications at delivery. As do the husbands who point that fact out to their pregnant wives.

August 24, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Julie Anne Genter, the minister for women in New Zealand, rode her bike to a hospital to give birth. That story again, someone named Julie Anne Genter needs a new bicycle seat.

2. Pornography website Pornhub announced that it will host its first ever award show next month. I know Pornhub says it’s their first time, but I’m guessing they’ve held at least twenty award shows before.

3. For the first time, scientists have uncovered direct evidence of water ice on the surface of the moon. “Ah, there may be some urine up there too,” said a sheepish Buzz Aldrin.

4. In a new interview, Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said if the President is impeached “the American people would revolt.” A revolution that will be preceded by someone riding through town on a horse yelling “The diminished are coming!”

5. An attorney for Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer who pleaded guilty on Tuesday to campaign finance violations and other charges, said Trump directed Cohen to commit a crime. Was the crime buying this jacket?:

6. As a result of PETA’s efforts, after 116 years of captivity behind bars on the cover of all Animal Crackers boxes, the animals have been freed. “Get me that giraffe’s lawyer,” said Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort in unison.

7. According to a new survey, 70% of Americans check their phone immediately upon waking up in the morning. While I assume the other 30% died overnight.

8. This week, ISIS released a surprise, new audio message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the first such recording in over a year. Begging the question, when did ISIS become Beyonce?

9. The first beer-hotel is set to open in Columbus, Ohio. The Columbus Beer Hotel, cause if you have to stay the night in Columbus, Ohio, you’re gonna need a drink.

10. Former ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Tom Arnold claims to have heard tape where President Trump refers to his son as a ‘retard.’ That’s terrible, how would anyone know which son he was talking about?:

11. A nonprofit devoted to Abraham Lincoln is so deep in debt that it is considering selling one of the 16th president’s famous stovepipe hats. And they seem to be really in debt considering which one they are thinking about selling:

12. This week, a white doctor who arrived late to his flight at a Florida airport complained of being treated like a “black person.” And I think I’m on the airport’s side of this argument because when he finally boarded the plane he proceeded to talk loudly throughout the entire inflight movie.

13. Facebook has taken down 652 pages it identified as part of coordinated disinformation campaigns that originated in Iran and targeted countries around the world. Even worse, they took down the accounts so fast Donald Trump Jr didn’t even get a chance to schedule a shady Trump Tower meeting with the people behind those pages.

14. On Monday, President Trump said another summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would “most likely” happen. Said Kim Jong Un, “Can you just bomb us instead”:

15. Republican Representative Duncan Hunter, was indicted on charges on Tuesday that he and his wife used hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign funds to pay for vacations, video games and other personal expenses. Said the GOP, “That’s not the Republican party that we know. You misuse campaign funds on your mistress, not your wife.”

16. On Wednesday, one day after President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to eight criminal charges, Cohen’s lawyer said he would not accept a presidential pardon. While we’re rejecting things we’re never gonna get, I will take this moment to announce that I will not accept the title of “People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.”

17. Pregnant Venezuelan women are leaving their country due to a lack of prenatal care, medicine and diapers and giving birth across the border in Brazil, where three Venezuelan babies are born every day. Or, as they are more commonly known, Brazilian babies.

18. An 11-year-old boy managed to hack into a replica of Florida’s election results website in 10 minutes and change names and tallies during a hackers convention. Experts are calling it “scary,” while Hillary Clinton is calling it “way too fucking late.”

May 18, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Meghan Markle’s father, Thomas Markle, will not attend his daughter’s wedding to Prince Harry ON Saturday. Harry’s mom will also not be attending, but she has a better excuse.

2. Monday was Facebook founder’s Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. What do you get the guy who has everything, apparently your social security number.

3. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. So I stand corrected, a degree from Hunter College can be even more worthless than I previously thought.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken locations in the U.K. will sell a commemorative chicken bucket in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding. So if you like greasy, fried chicken and you like elaborate, gaudy weddings, hi President Trump:

5. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “So, the gas is on the right?” asked Melania.

6. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. In what I can only assume is an elaborate prank to hear Vin Diesel try to pronounce ‘honorary degree.’

7. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “That brings me back,” said the woman driving away from prison as her car went over a speed-bump.

8. Over the weekend, boxer Floyd Mayweather won $100,000 by hitting the jackpot while playing video poker in Las Vegas. It’s the most amount of money Mayweather has ever won for the least amount of work since he fought Pacquiao.

9. Actress Salma Hayek, a vocal supporter of the MeToo movement, said on Sunday male actors should get paid less. “Wait, you guys are being paid for this?” said Keanu.

10. During his speech on Monday at the new US embassy in Israel, Jared Kushner praised President Trump for recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Next up for Trump, recognizing Tiffany:

11. According to newly released documents, an intermediary for a Russian oligarch and associates of President Trump coordinated responses to revelations of a Trump Tower meeting where Don Jr. expected to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. It’s just like in every movies, after something terrible happens, all the innocent people get together and say, “Okay, let’s get our stories straight.”

12. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt said on Wednesday that he now has a legal fund in place to help him fight off a growing list of alleged ethical missteps. Added Pruitt in a hushed voice, “But don’t tell the IRS.”

13. This week, the White House announced the elimination of the position of cyber security coordinator. “So does that mean my job application was rejected?” asked Pladimir Vutin:

14. Politico has published an article profiling the members of Congress who play video games. Said those member of Congress, “Please don’t tell Ted Cruz”:

15. According to Senate testimony, President Trump’s former aide Steve Bannon sought to use personal information collected online to promote “a culture war.” Other places that cultures are doing battle, Bannon’s face:

16. According to a new study, people with schizophrenia who are treated early may do better than others. “You’re just saying that” ”No, I think it’s true” “Not a chance” said one guy.

17. This week, American Airlines announced that passengers will no longer be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats, or spiders on board flights. While, Spirit Airlines has gone a different route:

18. On Thursday, a top court in Germany ruled that beer cannot be marketed as beneficial. “We beg to differ,” said ugly people.

19. NASA said on Friday it will send a small helicopter to Mars as part of a 2020 mission. NASA said the best way to send a helicopter to Mars is book a ticket on Southwest that supposed to land in Omaha.

20. According to a new study, married people may be more likely to spot deadly skin cancer sooner than their unmarried counterparts. So good news older single people who never found the love of their lives, you’ll be dead soon.

November 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, 16% of Americans believe that Bigfoot is real. “I’ve seen it,” said the woman who waxes the Kardashians.

2. Due to thawing relations between the Cuba and the U.S., Cubans were able to watch the World Series twenty-four hours after the live event. That story again, residents of Cuba now have Time Warner cable.

3. NBC News and MSNBC joined Showtime, Penguin Press and HBO in severing ties with political journalist Mark Halperin, who is accused of sexually harassing several female colleagues. But, on the plus-side, he’s now over-qualified to run Fox News.

4. Paul Manafort, the indicted former campaign manager for President Donald Trump, spent almost $1 million on eight rugs in two years. But, in his defense, he was in charge of the Trump campaign and, at a certain point, dry cleaning doesn’t work anymore:

5. The White House released the official portraits of President Trump and Vice President Pence on Tuesday. Begging the question, how can you tell the difference between Mike Pence and a portrait of Mike Pence?

6. Ford has built a robotic butt that tests the durability of the seats it puts in its vehicles. Those who have seen it said it resembles a Kardashian, except for the fact that the robotic butt has a job.

7. After Hillary Clinton joked this week that she was considering dressing up as president for Halloween, Donald Trump Jr. tweeted “That’s cute. She can borrow my Donald Trump mask.” But if he loans out his mask, what will his wife wear during sex so he can achieve orgasm?

8. On Wednesday, the CIA released Osama bin Laden’s personal diary. Turns out bin Laden believed in two things, that Allah is great and that Becky is a complete bitch.

9. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday lawmakers and the Trump administration were “on a path” toward reaching a deal on a bill that would keep the government funded beyond December 8th. They’re gonna sell steaks!:

10. According to sources, President Trump has made it clear to the State Department that he wants to accelerate the release of any remaining Hillary Clinton emails. Of course, the best way to secure the fastest release of emails from Hillary is to mark them ‘Confidential.’

11. According to a new report, modernizing and maintaining the U.S. nuclear arsenal over the next 30 years will cost more than $1.2 trillion. Said President Trump, “I plan on keeping costs down by getting ride of a few”:

12. This week the CEO of Papa John’s said the NFL protests are hurting their sales. Or maybe, just maybe, the public isn’t buying your pizza because they’ve tasted it.

13. A defector from North Korea told U.S. lawmakers on Wednesday that disseminating information in the reclusive country would be more effective than the billions of dollars being spent to address the military threat.”Disseminating information in a foreign country you say,” said President Trump, “luckily I know a guy who has a lot of experience”:

14. On Wednesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that no one in the Trump administration supports slavery. Which is a pretty callous way to tell Jeff Sessions he’s been fired.

15. President Trump reportedly wants to name the Republican tax bill the “Cut Cut Cut” bill. Which I assume will be spelt with K’s and shortened to be more accurate to this administration.

16. The Senate heard testimony this week from President Trump’s pick to be the new head of NASA, Jim Bridenstine, who does not have a background in science. But, in Trump’s defense, Bridenstine wasn’t his first pick, but he had settle after he was informed that Buzz Lightyear isn’t a real person.

17. This week, during a Halloween party event at the White House, First Lady Melania Trump met a little girl dressed up as her. So that makes it two weeks in a row now for Melania:

18. According to a new study, only 4.8% of television writers are black. “We didn’t even know that was allowed,” said the writers for ‘Frasier.’

19. Saudi Arabia will for the first time allow women to attend sporting events. They’re even allowing them to paint their faces to show support for their team, here are a couple of sports fanatics now:

20. The Justice Department has gathered enough evidence to charge six members of the Russian government in the hacking of Democratic National Committee computers before the 2016 presidential election. Good lord, haven’t enough members of the Trump administration been charged this week?

June 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Costa Rican President Luis Guillermo Solis Rivera accidentally swallowed a wasp while speaking to reporters. Of course, the last time President Trump encountered a wasp he made her Secretary of Education:

2. Yesterday, Mattel unveiled a new line of Ken dolls, one of which, has a man bun. Just like the previous versions, this doll is not anatomically correct, but, thanks to the man bun, it no longer matters.

3. Megyn Kelly’s interview with conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, which aired on NBC Sunday night, got lower ratings than a rerun of ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos.’ Given the chance to watch people publicly embarrass and demean themselves on national TV, the public chose to watch ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ instead.

4. A trove of original Nazi artifacts, including a bust of Adolf Hitler and intricate wooden boxes designed with Swastikas, was discovered hidden in an art collectors home in Argentina. “That’s crazy,” said Steve Bannon, “why would you hide that stuff?”

5. According to a new survey, 39% of office workers admitted to masturbating while at work. And, according to one respondent, 100% of Oval Office workers:

6. People are reportedly sending hate mail to the wrong Shakespeare companies across the country, blaming them for the New York Public Theater’s controversial production of ‘Julius Caesar.’ And even less informed people are sending death threats to Shakespeare himself.

7. Last week, Beyonce gave birth to twins. Luckily she has ample experience supporting two free-loaders:

8. On Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said Republicans will release the text of their healthcare bill tomorrow. Which can only mean one thing, they plan to vote on it today.

9. The PGA Tour said on Tuesday it will begin blood testing next season and will revise its list of banned substances. And, in a related story, Tiger Woods has retired from golf.

10. This week, NASA said it wants to send an expedition to Uranus to probe for gas. That story again, NASA is now run by six-year-olds.

June 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, women have more sex on vacation. Although, it’s not a hard-and-fast rule:

2. White House sources say President Trump will pull the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Not surprising that a real estate developer is in favor of creating more waterfront properties.

3. According to reports, President Trump is giving his personal cell phone number to world leaders. Ivanka, too:

4. Thieves in Washington used a blowtorch to steal from an ATM, but, in doing so, accidentally set the cash in the machine on fire. People said they haven’t seen someone light that much money on fire, that quickly, since Paramount greenlit the ‘Baywatch’ movie.

5. On Wednesday, NASA announced its first mission to fly directly into the sun’s atmosphere. Here’s a look at the press release:

6. Florists worldwide say sales of pampas grass have plummeted after rumors surfaced that people display the exotic plant in their windows to signal that swingers live in that house. Of course, if you see pampas grass and poison ivy, it means “Not now, Hillary’s home.”

7. On Tuesday, a carriage horse broke free from its restraints and went on a mad dash through rush hour traffic in New York City. Or, more likely, Sarah Jessica Parker when for a midday jog.

8. Whlie speaking at an event in Australia this week, Senator John McCain pleaded with the country to be patient with the U.S. while the new Trump administration “finds it feet.” Which could take a while because I don’t think Trump’s been able to see his feet in years:

9. Former-teacher Mary Kay Letourneau and former-student-turned-husband Vili Fualaau have filed for divorce. Fualaau’s mother called her son, “An immature kid,” while French President Emamnuel Macron called him “a trailblazer.”

10. According to CNN, President Trump is stressed out, gaining weight and realizing the job isn’t a good fit for him. Well, I’ll say this, he’s never been more relatable.