March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

September 14, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two people in Britain have been diagnosed with a rare viral monkeypox infection in two separate cases. So I guess Susan has some explaining to do: 

2. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. That doesn’t make any sense, why would God be so intent on killing Post Malone when Macklemore is still out there rapping?

3. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. The rapper isn’t taking any chances, in fact he’s changed his name to Pre Malone.

4. A former Trump Organization executive this week claimed that President Trump tried to have Braille removed from elevators in Trump Tower, because, quote, “No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower.” Live no, decorate yes:

5. An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay entitled “How to Murder Your Husband,” was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly murdering her husband. The woman said her one regret was not titling the essay “How to Murder Your Husband and Get Away With It.” 

6. In a recent interview, former professional boxer Oscar De Le Hoya said he is seriously considering running for President of the United States of America. That story again, a man who sustained massive brain damage thinks he’d make a good president and also Oscar De La Hoya: 

7. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” “Try waking up next to,” said Melania.

8. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” But, what keeps him going is thinking about all the little children who rely on the federal government for healthcare and how badly he wants to take that away from them.

9. President Trump on Friday called on the Justice Department to investigate the New York Times after the news outlet published an anonymous op-ed critical of the president. He also asked the DOJ to investigate another publication because he has looked forever and he’s pretty sure Waldo not on this page:

10. Amazon said on Friday it plans to open the first checkout-free ‘Amazon Go’ grocery store in New York. “Way ahead of you,” said thieves in a Gristedes.

11. Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, who committed suicide in June, was posthumously awarded his fifth Emmy Award on Sunday. That’s great, now someone needs to tell Tim Allen that’s how you get an Emmy.

12. The Jumbotron at George Washington University’s Charles E. Smith Center, which is used for the men’s and women’s basketball teams, collapsed onto the floor Tuesday. And even though the scoreboard was on the court, J.R. Smith still didn’t know how much time was left:

13. This week, while commenting on Hurricane Florence, President Trump said the storm is “tremendously big and tremendously wet.” Which coincidentally is how the Ritz Carlton Moscow described a king-sized mattress they are trying to sell.

14. Wednesday night, the Seattle Storm defeated the Washington Mystics to take home their third WNBA title. Or, did I just made up those two teams? Hell, maybe the WNBA season doesn’t even start until December, there really is no way of knowing.

15. After former President Obama delivered a speech last Friday criticizing the President, Donald Trump said that he tried to watch the speech but fell asleep, adding, quote, “I found he’s very good, very good for sleeping.” “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said Secretary of HUD Ben Carson packing his bags.

16. A man in New York won $10 million after buying a lottery ticket and a Slim Jim for his dog at a convenance store. “Uh-oh,” said the guy when he went to turn in the winning ticket:

17. Scott Frantz, an intern for Texas Senator Ted Cruz was arrested on Monday after Capitol Police found shotgun shells in the back of his vehicle. It’s going to be really hard for Frantz to get another job with that on his record, ‘that’ being worked for Ted Cruz.

18. President Trump on Thursday disputed Puerto Rico’s official death toll of 3,000 from hurricanes last year, accusing Democrats of inflating the figure. Although, in Trump’s defense, I’m guessing a lot of people have faked their own deaths to get away from him.

June 15, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to handwriting experts, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s signature, penned on a historic agreement with President Trump on Tuesday, indicates his ambition and creativity. While Trump’s signature indicates that he forgot to take the cap off the pen:

2. A lesbian-led event called the Dyke March will be held next Saturday in New York City. Which answers the question of why it was so easy to book a softball field in Central Park that weekend.

3. It was announced this week that there will be a sequel to the 1980 horror movie ‘The Shining.’ The announcement was made by Roman Polanski to a 13-year-old girl he was trying to fuck.

4. A teacher in Pennsylvania was fired this week for taking bribes from her students in exchange for better grades. But, in the teacher’s defense, she was teaching AP Government.

5. There is a Japanese pop group that is composed of men all over the age of 80. The name of the band is “Get Those New Kids Off My Block.”

6. President Trump on Saturday accused Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau of making “false statements” about Trump. In fact. Trudeau made so many false statements about the president, Trump is considering naming him his personal physician:

7. Porsche announced this week that its first electric car will be called the Taycan. As in, “My penis is very small so I’ll be taycan this car.”

8. According to ‘Politico,’ President Trump has a habit of tearing up documents when he’s finished and there is a White House staffer whose sole job is to tape them back together. “Does that mean someone has my birthday card?” asked Don. Jr.

9. Sunday night, actor Robert DeNiro said “Fuck Trump,” during the live broadcast of the Tony Awards. Then, out of habit, after hearing those two words together on TV, Michael Cohen paid DeNiro $130,000.

10. During Sunday night’s Tony Awards, actor Robert DeNrio proclaimed “Fuck Trump,’ but CBS cut it out of the broadcast. If only the person who made that decision was also the editor for “Dirty Grandpa”:

11. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to Singapore for his meeting with President Trump to prevent intelligence officials from getting information on his health. Although, if you need to take a toilet with you wherever you go, I think I know all I need to know about your health.

12. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to this week’s summit with President Trump in Singapore. Ahh, the freedom to poop wherever you want, or, as it’s more commonly known, the New York City subway.

13. President Trump said on Tuesday North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had made an “unwavering commitment” to the complete denuclearization of the Korean peninsula. And Trump knows how strong an unwavering commitment can be:

14. After their historic meeting in Singapore, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump signed a joint statement. The statement was a proclamation of friendship, a promise to work together and a demand that the McRib be a year-round thing.

15. A Silicon Valley entrepreneur has proposed breaking up California into three states. Now comes the hard part, figuring out which part gets stuck with the Clippers.

16. Yesterday was President Trump’s birthday. To celebrate, Donald took the day off from work for the last 509 days:

17. According to ‘The New York Post’, former Mayor Rudy Giuliani has been bragging to friends about having an affair with a married woman who he allegedly claims has “big boobs.” That story again, Rudy Giuliani has a cousin with really big knockers.

18. Scientists in Germany have developed a humanoid robot that hugs humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. They are still working out the kinks:

19. Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to deliver hugs to humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Because I can’t think off anything less stressful than being hugged against my will by a German robot.

May 18, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Meghan Markle’s father, Thomas Markle, will not attend his daughter’s wedding to Prince Harry ON Saturday. Harry’s mom will also not be attending, but she has a better excuse.

2. Monday was Facebook founder’s Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. What do you get the guy who has everything, apparently your social security number.

3. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. So I stand corrected, a degree from Hunter College can be even more worthless than I previously thought.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken locations in the U.K. will sell a commemorative chicken bucket in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding. So if you like greasy, fried chicken and you like elaborate, gaudy weddings, hi President Trump:

5. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “So, the gas is on the right?” asked Melania.

6. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. In what I can only assume is an elaborate prank to hear Vin Diesel try to pronounce ‘honorary degree.’

7. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “That brings me back,” said the woman driving away from prison as her car went over a speed-bump.

8. Over the weekend, boxer Floyd Mayweather won $100,000 by hitting the jackpot while playing video poker in Las Vegas. It’s the most amount of money Mayweather has ever won for the least amount of work since he fought Pacquiao.

9. Actress Salma Hayek, a vocal supporter of the MeToo movement, said on Sunday male actors should get paid less. “Wait, you guys are being paid for this?” said Keanu.

10. During his speech on Monday at the new US embassy in Israel, Jared Kushner praised President Trump for recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Next up for Trump, recognizing Tiffany:

11. According to newly released documents, an intermediary for a Russian oligarch and associates of President Trump coordinated responses to revelations of a Trump Tower meeting where Don Jr. expected to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. It’s just like in every movies, after something terrible happens, all the innocent people get together and say, “Okay, let’s get our stories straight.”

12. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt said on Wednesday that he now has a legal fund in place to help him fight off a growing list of alleged ethical missteps. Added Pruitt in a hushed voice, “But don’t tell the IRS.”

13. This week, the White House announced the elimination of the position of cyber security coordinator. “So does that mean my job application was rejected?” asked Pladimir Vutin:

14. Politico has published an article profiling the members of Congress who play video games. Said those member of Congress, “Please don’t tell Ted Cruz”:

15. According to Senate testimony, President Trump’s former aide Steve Bannon sought to use personal information collected online to promote “a culture war.” Other places that cultures are doing battle, Bannon’s face:

16. According to a new study, people with schizophrenia who are treated early may do better than others. “You’re just saying that” ”No, I think it’s true” “Not a chance” said one guy.

17. This week, American Airlines announced that passengers will no longer be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats, or spiders on board flights. While, Spirit Airlines has gone a different route:

18. On Thursday, a top court in Germany ruled that beer cannot be marketed as beneficial. “We beg to differ,” said ugly people.

19. NASA said on Friday it will send a small helicopter to Mars as part of a 2020 mission. NASA said the best way to send a helicopter to Mars is book a ticket on Southwest that supposed to land in Omaha.

20. According to a new study, married people may be more likely to spot deadly skin cancer sooner than their unmarried counterparts. So good news older single people who never found the love of their lives, you’ll be dead soon.

September 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Before addressing the United Nations on Monday, President Trump was caught asking the man seated next to him whether the red light in front of him meant the microphone was on or off. So, at least, he’s learning from his mistakes:

2. Last Friday, an 11-year-old named Frank from Virginia mowed the White House lawn after sending a letter asking to do so. “Are there any little kids requesting to make purses?” asked Ivanka.

3. Last Friday, an 11-year-old named Frank from Virginia mowed the White House lawn after sending a letter asking to do so. And Trump helped out:

4. Last week, one-star reviews of Hillary Clinton’s new book “What Happened” mysteriously disappeared from Amazon. “Good luck finding them,” said the family of Vince Foster.

5. According to a new study, getting your tonsils removed increases your fertility. Although, if your tonsils are getting in the way of you getting pregnant, I think you might be doing it wrong.

6. A pop-up restaurant has opened in Tokyo where the 17 waiters and waitresses all suffer from dementia. Or, as it is known here in the States, Starbucks:

7. Ex-Trump aide Michael Caputo says he spent his children’s college fund on a lawyer to defend him in the ongoing Russian probe. But cheer up Mike, there’s history of people successfully suing Trump to get their tuition money back:

8. Jedediah Bila announced on Monday that she is leaving ‘The View.’ Jedediah is leaving, I assume, to spend more time churning butter.

9. A New York startup is developing a wristband that lets the wearer send text messages solely using their thoughts. The technology is still in the early stages, but here’s a sneak peak at what a technology that allows for stream-of-consciousness will look like:

10. An Ohio father who tried to discipline his 6-year-old daughter by chasing her around in a scary clown mask has been charged with inducing panic. “Is it sill illegal if it’s not a mask?” asked Kellyanne Conway’s kids.

11. Prosecutors on Wednesday sought a prison sentence of 27 months for Anthony Weiner, who admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to a teenage girl in a scandal that played a role in last year’s presidential election. After which, he may want to consider entering the witness protection program:

12. A San Diego children’s hospital unveiled a collection of remote controlled mini cars that allow its young patients to ‘drive’ themselves to the operating room. Unfortunately, the doctors aren’t very good, so the kid operating the mini tow-truck has been very busy.

13. This week, North Korea’s foreign minster compared President Trump’s threats to destroy the country to “a dog barking.” A sound in North Korea which also means dinner isn’t quite ready yet.

14. According to Roald Dahl’s widow, the author initially wanted to make the main character in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” black. In fact, originally, the Oomp-Loompas followed Charlie around the factory making sure he didn’t steal anything.

15. According to reports, former White House strategist Steve Bannon is in talks with Hollywood to make a western. I assume because he’s dead-ringer for the bloated corpse of John Wayne.

16. A few days after being accused of liking a pornographic tweet, Texas Senator Ted Cruz dismissed the claim saying, “the left is obsessed with sex.” Adding, “while my right hand is only mildly interested in it.”

17. A Florida woman punched her husband in the face after he burst into her bedroom while she was pleasuring herself because he thought she was having sex with another man. Or, as Chris Brown calls it, foreplay.

18. Last week, playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda went to Washington D.C. to advocate for the arts and sang Broadway songs on the congressional train the runs under the Capital building. Little known fact, if you sing show-tunes on the congressional train Lindsey Graham appears out of nowhere.

September 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In her new book, Hillary Clinton said being at President Donald Trump’s inauguration was “an out-of-body experience.” As well as a no-body experience:

2. A man in the U.K. has been charged with a hate crime for teaching his dog to imitate Adolf Hitler by giving the Nazi salute. Uh-oh, I hope it’s not a crime to teach my dog to imitate Steve Bannon:

3. Maurice Bluestein, the man who invented the wind chill index, has died at the age of 76. But it really feels more like 72.

4. In a recent interview, former White House strategist Steve Bannon called President Trump’s firing of James Comey the biggest mistake in “modern political history.” Really? Pretty sure I can think of a bigger one:

5. Four members of a Polish death metal band were arrested over the weekend for allegedly kidnapping a woman who attended one of their concerts last month. Said the woman, “If I wanted the experience of being held against my will, I would have gone to a Nickelback concert.”

6. A man was arrested last weekend for masturbating at the finish line of the New Jersey half-marathon. “You only had one guy masturbating along the race route, what’s you secret?” asked the New York City marathon.

7. In a recent interview, host and comedian Steve Harvey revealed that he sends a television for Christmas every year to a teacher who told him he would never be on T.V. Upon watching Harvey’s day-time talk show, the teacher changed her mind and said “he should never be on T.V.”

8. The television ratings for the Cowboys 19-3 Sunday night win over the Giants was delayed because Nielsen evacuated its ratings staff in Florida ahead of Hurricane Irma. No word on whether the Giant’s offense evacuated with them.

9. Singer-songwriter Kid Rock said on Monday that calls by “the extreme left” and civil rights groups for his removal as the first headliner for a new arena in Detroit were politically motivated. Or maybe, just maybe, they’ve heard your music.

10. This week, conspiracist and all-around nut job Alex Jones claimed that the Deep State is drugging President Trump’s iced tea. I’m not sure Melania is considered ‘the Deep State,’ but arsenic is definitely a drug.

11. According to reports, President Trump was delighted by his official photo, telling aides he looked “like Churchill.” And, I assume he means present-day Churchill.

12. A gynecologist in Utah is being sued for allegedly failing to remove a piece of gauze from a woman’s vagina after surgery. Said the doctor, “Shot in the dark, but I also lost my watch.”

13. On Tuesday, Hillary Clinton was over an hour late to a scheduled book signing at a Barnes & Noble in Manhattan. But, in her defense, she got a little held up at her previous appointment in the city:

14. Late Monday night, the Twitter account of Texas Senator Ted Cruz liked a pornographic video showing a mother spying on her daughter having sex. And I gotta admit, if you had told me the Twitter account of a high-ranking political would like a video featuring a parent spying on their daughter having sex, Cruz wouldn’t have been my first guess.

15. Former White House press secretary Anthony Scaramucci will take over the website TMZ on Monday. And Scaramucci does have ample experience, not with celebrity gossip, but with holding down job for less than 24 hours.

16. An Arkansas woman has pled guilty to fraud after admitting to using public funds to buy a dog a tuxedo. So stupid, that dog is only gonna have one maybe two occasions a year where he can wear a tuxedo, everyone knows, you always rent.

17. Australian comedian Rebel Wilson won $3.7 million in damages on Wednesday after a global magazine publisher was found to have defamed her in a string of articles. “Does ‘articles’ include movie reviews?” said Johnny Depp.

18. President Trump said on Wednesday that under his tax reform plan, wealthy American might have to pay higher taxes. Which may not be a lie, because paying just one dollar in taxes would be an increase for him.

19. Former U.S. congressman Anthony Weiner has asked a judge not to sentence him to prison after he admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to a teenage girl. Said Weiner, “Those prisons have terrible WiFi.”

20. According to a new study, listening to happy music can spark creativity and improve problem solving. Although, I’ve found listening to Justin Bieber’s music also improves my problem solving, for instance, I hit the off button to solve the problem of hearing shitty music.

July 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hillary Clinton’s new memoir on the 2016 presidential race will be released in September. Or, if you just can’t wait until then, you can read it on Wikileaks in August.

2. President Trump lashed out on Twitter on Thursday against the ‘Fake News’ for not reporting that Russian spies had information on his campaign too. Um, I’m pretty sure they did report on that:

3. A Minnesota choir teacher is being charged with having a sexual relationship with a student and sending partially naked photos of herself to him. School officials became suspicious when the boy when from an alto to a baritone in a week.

4. On Thursday, the Trump administration warned of potential repercussions for Alaska after its Senator Lisa Murkowski voted against the Republican backed healthcare bill. Said Alaska, “There’s nothing you can do to us that will hurt worse than what we’ve already done to ourselves”:

5. According to reports, Russian intelligence agents created dozens of phony Facebook accounts in an effort to spy on Emmanuel Macron during the French presidential election. That story again, the Russian intelligence agency is composed entirely of jilted ex-girlfriends.

6. Singer Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his truck in Beverly Hills Wednesday night. Oh no, is the truck alright?

7. On Wednesday, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci compared President Trump’s bid to repeal Obamacare to President Lincoln abolishing slavery. And, in Scaramucci’s defense, both involve trying to sweep the work of black men under the rug.

8. An upcoming episode of PBS’s ‘Finding Your Roots’ uncovers that comedian Larry David is related to politician Bernie Sanders. The exhaustive research to make that discovery involved looking at them.

9. Late Tuesday night, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci accused chief of staff Reince Priebus of leaking Scaramucci’s public financial disclosure forms to the press. Said Scaramucci, “I know it was you Reince, you broke my heart”:

10. Police pulled over a man in upstate New York who was driving a car with no windshield, no doors and an axe stuck in the roof. Begging the question, it is too early to start putting ‘Kid Rock for Senate 2020’ bumperstickers on cars?

11. Actress Olivia Wilde felt so bad that Jennifer Lawrence vomited from the graphic imagery presented in her theater-version of ‘1984’ that she sent the Oscar winner soup. If that’s the case, then Mickey Rourke’s face owes me a ton of soup.

12. A 44-year-old man in China was recently hospitalized with severe kidney problems after eating fifty-four scoops of ice cream in one sitting. That story again, two down and just fifty-two to go:

13. According to reports, for the first time ever American scientists have successfully edited the DNA of a human embryo. Well, for the first time ever on purpose:

14. According to reports, ‘High Times’ magazine is considering going public with an IPO. Those interested will be able to buy either a quarter, an eighth or a half-eighth of the company.

15. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has overtaken Bill Gates to become the richest person in the world, worth over $90 billion. “We’ll see about that,’ said Gates setting up a bunch of phony email addresses to get free trials of Amazon Prime.

16. This week, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick said there are “no limits” on tight-end Rob Gronkowski. Of course, other than anything that involves books.

17. According to Politico, President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions are not longer on speaking terms. “But that implies they once were and, follow-up question, what was that like?” asked Eric Trump.

18. South Korean President Moon Jae-in on Wednesday welcomed a rescue dog to his official Blue House residence. It’s the first time a dog has come to the residence since the previous night when they ordered delivery food.

19. A swimming pool in Australia has put up signs targeted at migrants telling them not to grope women or enter the female changing room. “But that just applies to migrants, right?” said Trump backstage at a beauty pageant.

20. A rugby player in Australia, who forgot he had a three-week-old child after suffering a vicious tackle, is suing the opposing team for $1.4 million. And, in related news, President Trump is willing to pay $1.4 million for someone to recreate that hit on him:

21. Officials at a zoo in Tokyo are eliciting suggestions online for names for a newly born panda cub. Or, they could just cut out the middleman, and name it Panda McPandaface.

22. Authorities in Alabama arrested a man after he brought his daughter to a drug deal. Said the man, “I learned two valuable lessons today. Don’t bring a child to a drug deal. And my daughter has a street value of three and a half pounds of cocaine.”

23. A mom was arrested at a Queens casino for leaving her 10-year-old daughter inside their parked car for an hour and a half while she gambled. Although, in her defense, the last time she brought a kid into the casino, she lost her son on the river.

24. Ivanka Trump shared some photos of her daughter’s recent sixth birthday party, including an image of marshmallows on hot dogs. Alright, now she really is a fucking monster.

25. A six-week online program, taught in Russian, teaches students how to steal credit card data and hack PayPal accounts. Said recent graduate Donald Trump Jr., “Actually the course is mostly about adoptions.”

May 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s wife, Sara, offered sympathetic words to visiting President Trump and his wife Melania on Monday, telling them that people still loved them despite negative media coverage. Trump said he was not used to hearing such kind words, at least, not without them having to be translated from Russian first.

2. Stephen Colbert recently revealed that former GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz once went on “The Late Show” and asked the host if he could “humanize” him. Which would have made following Letterman the second hardest task Colbert has ever undertaken.

3. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump’s 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia over the weekend. “The key is pretending to fall asleep before he starts his ‘performance’,” said Melania.

4. According to ‘Politico,’ First Lady Melania Trump tracks the news of the day and alerts President Trump to stories that she thinks make him look bad. Although, I’m willing to bet, she may not be passing along all those stories this week:

5. Former CIA Director John Brennan said on Tuesday that he warned the head of Russia’s FSB Security Service last summer that any interference in the U.S. election would hurt U.S.-Russian relations. Turns out, he was wrong:

6. A black man, who underwent a penis transplant, will have his new appendage completely tattooed because the donor was white. But it still won’t change the fact that apparently he’s Jewish now.

7. A Wikipedia page dedicated to Hillary Clinton redirected to Adolf Hilter’s autobiography ‘Mein Kampf’ on Monday for over 16 hours. Even more surprising, Steve Bannon’s page didn’t.

8. Paris Hilton has filed a federal lawsuit over a Hallmark greeting card that uses a photo of the heiress and her trademarked phrase “That’s Hot.” Customers who bought the card are also suing because when they licked the stamp to send it, they somehow contracted gonorrhea.

9. Researchers were able to use freeze-dried mouse sperm that flew around the space station for nine months to produce a healthy litter of mice back on Earth. That story again, scientists have run out of things to study.

10. Researchers were able to use freeze-dried mouse sperm that flew around the space station for nine months to produce a healthy litter of mice back on Earth. Which explains this recent NASA transmission: “That’s one small step for man, one … oh, what did I just step in? What was it? Why did we even bring that up here? Oh come on!”

March 9. 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman was named the United State’s ambassador to Russia. Said a confused Trump, “Wait, then what’s my job?”

2. On Wednesday, China granted the Trump organization trademark approval to open Trump branded massage parlors and escort services. Or, if you’re an American citizen, you can just stay here and get fucked by Trump for free.

3. Over 10% of the Republican’s new healthcare bill focuses on denying Medicaid to lottery winners. And, under the new plan, ‘lottery winner’ includes anyone who makes it to age 65 under this new healthcare law.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump popped out from behind a screen and surprised schoolchildren on the first public White House tour. “Yeah, he’ll do that,” said Miss Teen USA pageant contestants.

5. According to experts, the Republican’s new healthcare bill will cover 20 million less Americans than Obamacare. And maybe Trump’s not concerned about it because he doesn’t know what one million, let alone, 20 million, people looks like:

6. On Tuesday, President Trump met with Harvey Levin, who founded the celebrity gossip website TMZ, in the White House Oval Office. Which can only mean one thing, the Access Hollywood bus already booked.

7. The official name of the Republican’s new healthcare bill is “The World’s Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017.” Republicans named it that in hopes that Democrats will read the title and just stop there.

8. Fan are upset that “Iron Fist,” a Netflix martial arts series, stars a white actor instead of an Asian-American. Said Netflix, “If you’re upset about this show, you may also hate “The Last Samurai.”

9. Last night, President Trump had dinner with Ted Cruz. Man, how could he possible eat anything with that face peering at him from across the table, you could say of either of them.

10. A YMCA in Pennsylvania has banned its members from watching cable news while working out to prevent fights in the gym. Which stinks, because if you’re forced to work out at a YMCA I’m guessing that’s the only place you have access to cable TV.

February 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A financial analyst told CNBC Wednesday that Donald Trump runs the U.S. like a family business. Begging the question, can an entire family be Fredo?

2. Yesterday, while speaking about the legal challenges to his immigration ban, President Trump said that even a “bad high school student” would rule in his favor. And now, thanks to Betsy DeVos, that’s the only kid of high school student we’ll have.

3. The recently released memoirs of Judy Garland’s ex-husband, Sid Luft, claim the child star was groped by Munchkins on the set of The Wizard Of Oz. It’s beginning to sound like it’s a tiny hands thing:
trump-tiny-hands

4. The popular app Pokemon GO announced that they will be holding a Valentine’s Day in-game event. Said the app’s creators, “We’re fairly certain that our users won’t have plans that night.”

5. Funeral directors in Quebec are trying to curtail people from taking corpse selfies at funerals and posting them on social media. That story again, if you see Larry King, just ask for his autograph.

6. Nineteen rabbis were arrested Monday night outside a Trump hotel in New York City while protesting the President’s immigration ban. Chuck Schumer called the arrests “a disgrace” while Steve Bannon called them “a good start.”

7. Carey McWilliams of North Dakota has become the first totally blind person in the country to acquire a concealed-carry permit. Because the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun politely asking the bad guy with a gun where exactly he is in the room.

8. Dozens of topless women demonstrated in Buenos Aires on Tuesday to demand the right to sunbathe semi-nude. Begging the question, did George Soros pay those protestors in ones?

9. A family in Bangladesh has been arrested after using a fake penis to trick villagers into believing a genie had performed a sex change on their teenage daughter. Although, if I were the police I would have waited a day or two before making that arrest just to see what the next step in that plan was.

10. During CNN’s Town Hall Tuesday night, Ted Cruz awkwardly congratulated a woman with multiple sclerosis multiple times. But, in Cruz’s defense, he was congratulating her on not having whatever disease that makes Cruz act and look like that.