Monthly Archives: July 2013

Monologue Jokes – July 31, 2013

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1. The Richmond Flying Squirrels, a minor league baseball team, is paying homage to New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner by selling $1 hot dogs during Thursday’s game. In response, the New York Mets said, “We’ve been honoring Weiner for years by being a public embarrassment.”

2. It has been reported that the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series of S&M erotic novels are the favorite reading material among “high value” prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. If that’s the case, then they should enjoy the waterboarding.

3. The Oprah Winfrey Network is finally turning a profit four years after its debut. Meanwhile, sixty-two years after his debut, Oprah is still waiting on Stedman to do the same.

4. A school in Arkansas is allowing teachers to carry around concealed weapons while on campus. Crazy, right? Who would have guessed that Arkansas had schools?

5. According to several reports, the next version of Apple’s mobile operating system suggests future iPhone users will have the ability to use their fingerprints as passwords. “But just my fingerprints, right? Not my wife’s?” said an extremely interested Anthony Weiner.

6. Instead of using a regular billboard, singer Katy Perry has deployed a golden semi-truck bearing details of her upcoming album and a racy picture of the singer on its side. The advertisement has resulted in more-than-a-few semis.

7. In a recent interview, One Direction band-member Harry Styles said he’s “pretty sure” he’s not bisexual. So, sorry ladies.

8. A study published Monday in the journal Pediatrics shows nearly 30% of new mothers have diaper problems, including 8% who stretch how long their kids wear diapers in order to make them last longer. So far no one has taken my advise, don’t feed’em.

9. While watching the World Swimming Championships in Barcelona, retired swimmer Michael Phelps left the door open for a return at the upcoming 2016 Rio Olympic Games, hinting that everyone loves a comeback story. “Apparently not,” said Anthony Weiner.

10. A judge ruled Tuesday that Penn State’s former president, Graham Spanier, will face trial on obstruction of justice and other charges related to the Jerry Sandusky child abuse sex scandal. Spanier said he looks forward to his day in court and promises not to take the easy way out like JoePa.

Monologue Jokes – July 30, 2013

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1. On Monday, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer confirmed that he will not be voting for Anthony Weiner in the New York mayoral race. Adding, “I’m shifting my support to Carlos Danger. That guy is the man!”

2. Amazon unveiled a new hiring spree on Monday ahead of a visit from President Obama. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden has singlehandedly kept a local D.C. Chuck E. Cheese afloat.

3. A popular Arkansas water park voluntarily closed after a 12-year-old girl who swam there was diagnosed with a rare case of parasitic meningitis. No word on whether her children have it as well.

4. On Monday, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had lunch with President Obama at the White House. The lunch reportedly went well, but there was an awkward moment when Hillary broke out a few fabric swatches and a tape-measurer while in the Oval Office.

5. A new study suggests that how far a person lives from a manufacturing plant that releases the chemical benzene may determine their risk of developing immune system cancer. “Oh Shit,” said all of New Jersey.

6. Two studies released on Monday found that there are evolutionary advantages for men to remain monogamous. “Good thing I don’t believe in evolution,” said Herman Cain.

7. Pope Francis took a controversial stance on Monday by saying that he will not “judge” gays and lesbians. Now comes the big question for the Pope, what to do with all that free time?

8. Time Warner Cable said on Monday it has started notifying customers that it is raising the monthly fees to rent modems from the cable company. When asked about their progress, a Time Warner representative said, “It’s really hard to get in contact with these people, it’s like their telephone and internet services are always down.”

9. Anthony Weiner vowed to stay in the New York City mayoral race on Monday, despite a poll that showed his support plummeting to fourth place among Democratic voters. Weiner said he has a plan to get back on top, he’s gonna personally call every single voter, first up, the ladies.

10. Actress Leah Remini has offered clues about why she left the Church of Scientology, telling People magazine no one is going to tell her how to think or who she can talk to. Adding, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go say lines from a script while a director tells me what to do.”

11. According to Forbes, Angelina Jolie is Hollywood’s highest paid actress, earning an estimated $33 million last year. In an unrelated story, Jennifer Aniston has cancelled her subscription to Forbes.

Monologue Jokes – July 29, 2013

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1. Over the weekend, Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager resigned. But, as we all know, nothing is over with Weiner as long as he still has your phone number.

2. A new study suggests that chronic wounds, such as diabetic foot ulcers, may heal faster when they are cleaned out frequently. Begging the question, what the hell were you doing before?

3. Miami Marlins batting coach Tino Martinez resigned on Sunday amid claims he was abusive to several players. Martinez released a statement in which he said he was ashamed to admit that he was, in fact, the hitting coach for the Marlins.

4. NBC plans to air a four-hour miniseries starring Diane Lane as former U.S. Secretary of State and first lady Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this casting decision, Bill Clinton volunteered to play himself.

5. As part of the Pope’s trip to Rio de Janeiro, officials have set up 100 makeshift outdoor confessionals to make it easy for sinners to ask for forgiveness. The most common confession: “Bless me father, for I have sinned. I mistook this outdoor confessional for a port-a-poddy.”

6. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration proposed rules on Friday that would require food companies to verify that the products they import meet certain safety standards. Once again, begging the question, what the hell were they doing before?

7. On Sunday, the U.S. capped off a dominant tournament performance with a 1-0 victory over Panama to capture the CONCACAF Gold Cup championship. Which I think is rugby or cricket or something.

8. Slugger Hideki Matsui said farewell to Yankee stadium and its fans Sunday afternoon retiring less than two-hours after re-signing with his old team. The lesson being, if you want to be welcomed back into Yankee Stadium, A-Rod, retire.

9. According to a new study from France, farmers who used weedkillers were more than twice as likely to be treated for depression than farmers who didn’t use the chemicals. Said one farmer, “Killing a weed changes a man.”

10. Over the weekend, golfer Hunter Mahan withdrew from a tournament he was winning in order to be at his wife’s side for the birth of their baby girl, a move that may have cost the golfer more than $1 million. “A girl only cost you $1 million of your earnings? Consider yourself lucky,” said fellow golfer Tiger Woods.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

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1. Yesterday, Prince William and wife Kate welcomed a baby boy into the world, who will be third in line to the British throne. There won’t be another baby born whose future is so preordained until Casey Anthony decides to have another kid.

2. After weeks of camping out, the British media failed to capture pictures of Will and Kate on their way into the hospital as they slipped quietly through a back door. But, in the media’s defense, that’s not how you make a baby.

3. Yesterday, Prince William and wife Kate welcomed a baby boy into the world, who will be third in line to the British throne. Looks like the Queen’s servants will changing diapers for two now.

4. A panel of legal experts started work on Sunday to revise Egypt’s Islamist-tinged Constitution. They are said to be borrowing heavily from U.S. founding documents, for instance, part of the new Egyptian Constitution states, “We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal. Now, as for women…”

5. The mother of late pop star Michael Jackson testified in her wrongful death lawsuit that concert promoter AEG Live turned a blind eye to her son when he became sick while preparing for a 2009 comeback tour. And if anyone knows about “turning a blind eye” it’s the woman who married Joe Jackson.

6. Earlier this week, comedian Jimmy Fallon and his wife welcomed their first child, a baby girl into the world. Whereupon, she was immediately kidnapped and held for ransom by Jay Leno.

7. Pakistan has pulled a condom commercial off the air following more than 1,000 complaints that its broadcast was immoral. The number one complaint, after the woman in the commercial had sex, she wasn’t stoned to death.

8. Earlier this week, Tennessee Titans linebacker Jonathan Willard saved a family from a burning car. Said Willard, “As a football player, I’m used to disregarding my own safety and as a Tennessee Titans, I’m used to being involved complete disasters.”

9. Yesterday, New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner admitted during a press conference that, even after being forced to leave Congress in disgrace, he continued to send sexually explicit pictures under the pseudonym Carlos Danger. Weiner’s wife, Huma, also spoke at the press conference saying, “This is not the Carlos Danger I married.”

10. On Tuesday, Chris Brown pleaded not guilty to a hit-and-run charge in a case that could lead to jail time for the singer. Said Brown, “I pled ‘not guilty” because I don’t do a lot of running.”

Monologue Jokes – July 26, 2013

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1. Earlier this week, comedian Jimmy Fallon and his wife welcomed their first child, a baby girl. Whereupon, she was immediately captured and held for ransom by Jay Leno.

2. According to a poll released on Thursday, the recent controversy surrounding Anthony Weiner has cost him the lead in the New York City mayoral race. Said Weiner, “You realize if I don’t get this job, I’ll just have more free time on my hands, right?”

3. According to a poll released on Thursday, the recent controversy surrounding Anthony Weiner has cost him the lead in the New York City mayoral race. When asked why they switched their support of Weiner, many voters said, “I thought he leaned left, but according to some of the pictures I’ve seen…”

4. According to a new study, exercise-based rehabilitation programs for heart patients are tied to health benefits, even among the most elderly. “Does shooting your friend in the face count as exercise?” said Dick Cheney.

5. According to court papers released on Thursday, the body of the man that Aaron Hernandez is accused of murdering was found with the keys to a black Chevy that Hernandez had rented. Also found on the man’s body, bullets that belonged to Hernandez. (allegedly)

6. A 320-pound, 50-year-old sea turtle was packed in a customized FedEx crate to be shipped to Las Vegas on Thursday to give it a better home at a luxury casino. If you want to catch a glimpse of the turtle, it will be at the Luxor buffet for the next week, or until they run out of that sweet-sweet turtle meat.

7. Being rude to the French president is no longer an offense after parliament agreed on Thursday to amend legislation dating back to 1881. Wait, this whole time, that was French people being polite?

8. Lonely dogs left at home all day while their owners are at work will now have some company as a TV channel programmed just for dogs will soon hit the airwaves. Which is great news, because every time I leave my TV on the E! channel and an episode of the Kardashians comes on, my dog takes a shit on my rug.

9. On Thursday, Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees agreed on a timetable for his return. So keep an eye out for pigs taking flight.

10. On Thursday, Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees agreed on a timetable for his return, a day after a disagreement that stemmed from Rodriguez seeking a second medical opinion to support his desire to return to the team immediately. Although it was suspicious that the second opinion came from the Boston Red Sox team doctor.

11. Scientists say they have, for the first time, generated false memory in mice by manipulating brain cells that encode that information. “Great, now can you get Minnie to forget a few things,” said Mickey.

Monologue Jokes – July 25, 2013

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1. In a statement released by Kensington Palace, Prince William and Kate Middleton announced they have named the royal heir George Alexander Louis. The royal couple went with George, proving that not even British people like Ringo.

2. In a statement released by Kensington Palace, Prince William and Kate Middleton announced they have named the royal heir George Alexander Louis. The royal couple named their first boy George and, if they have any sense of humor, they’ll name their next kid “Culture Club.”

3. In a statement released by Kensington Palace, Prince William and Kate Middleton announced they have named the royal heir George Alexander Louis. I feel like they could have fit a “Mitt” in there somewhere.

4. Yesterday, the New York Giants ended their partnership with TIMEX. “Wait, football teams can do that?” said Mark Sanchez.

5. Pakistan has pulled a condom commercial off the air following more than 1,000 complaints that its broadcast was immoral. The number one complaint, after the woman in the commercial had sex, she wasn’t stoned to death.

6. New York and New Jersey hospitals are bracing for an expected baby boom nine months after Superstorm Sandy. Said Dr. Steven Mathieson, “Many people were stuck inside without any means of entertainment, and one thing led to another. And don’t forget that all the New York Knicks and Brooklyn Nets were stuck at home, too.”

7. A federal judge has issued a temporary restraining order that blocks Alabama from enacting a key portion of a new abortion law. I don’t think enforcing the ruling will be an issue because most people from Alabama are familiar with restraining orders.

8. Earlier this week, Tennessee Titans linebacker Jonathan Willard saved a family from a burning car. Said Willard, “As a football player, I’m used to disregarding my own safety and as a Tennessee Titans, I’m used to being involved complete disasters.”

9. A whopping 70% of those with at least $1 million in assets don’t consider themselves to be wealthy, according to a survey of 4,500 affluent investors by UBS. “Fuck you,” said Detroit.

10. On Wednesday, multiple New York newspapers were demanding that Anthony Weiner pull out of the mayoral race. Word of advice newspapers, be careful using the phrase “pull out” around Anthony Weiner.

11. On Wednesday, Chicago approved a $500 million proposed renovation of Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. Meanwhile, Detroit wants to know what you’re doing with the old stadium.

12. On Wednesday, Chicago approved a $500 million proposed renovation of Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. Which is odd, because usually when you’re as bad at your job as the Cubs, you find yourself being kicked out of your home.

13. On Wednesday, Chicago approved a $500 million proposed renovation of Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. Hopefully, some of that money will go towards lawn maintenance because there are weeds growing all over the stadium walls. Get your act together Chicago.

14. On Wednesday, Chicago approved a $500 million proposed renovation of 99-year-old Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. “You’re never too old to get a little work done,” said Joan Rivers.

Monologue Jokes – July 24, 2013

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1. Yesterday, New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner admitted during a press conference that, even after being forced to leave Congress in disgrace, he continued to send sexually explicit pictures under the pseudonym Carlos Danger. Weiner’s wife, Huma, also spoke at the press conference saying, “This is not the Carlos Danger I married.”

2. Yesterday, New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner admitted during a press conference that, even after being forced to leave Congress in disgrace, he continued to send sexually explicit pictures under the pseudonym Carlos Danger. “Have you considered whores?” said an anonymous New York City comptroller candidate.

3. Yesterday, New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner admitted during a press conference that, even after being forced to leave Congress in disgrace, he continued to send sexually explicit pictures under the pseudonym Carlos Danger. Say what you will, but Mayor Danger does have a nice ring to it.

4. Yesterday, New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner admitted during a press conference that, even after being forced to leave Congress in disgrace, he continued to send sexually explicit pictures under the pseudonym Carlos Danger. Which explains the tiny little sombrero in all his pictures.

5. On Tuesday, Chris Brown pleaded not guilty to a hit-and-run charge in a case that could lead to jail time for the singer. Said Brown, “I pled ‘not guilty” because I don’t do a lot of running.”

6. Golf fans will play a direct role in course set-up for next month’s PGA Championship by logging online and selecting the pin position for the 15th hole. The first step, teaching golf fans how to get online.

7. Yesterday Prince William and his wife Kate left the hospital and gave the world its first glimpse of their new baby boy. And, I don’t want to start any rumors, but by the looks of the kid, Kate may have been fucking Winston Churchill.

8. Yesterday Prince William and his wife Kate left the hospital and gave the world its first glimpse of their new baby boy. The couple has not revealed the baby’s name, although I think it’s safe to assume that “Carlos Danger” is off the list.

9. Yesterday Prince William and his wife Kate left the hospital and gave the world its first glimpse of their new baby boy and the country’s future figurehead. And wouldn’t you know it, another white king.

10. On Monday, Oscar-winning actress Penelope Cruz gave birth to her second child with husband actor Javier Bardem. Doctors have already determined that when the child grows up, no one will be able to understand a single thing it says.

Monologue Jokes – July 23, 2013

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1. Yesterday, Prince William and wife Kate welcomed a baby boy into the world, who will be third in line to the British throne. There won’t be a another baby born whose future is so preordained until Casey Anthony decides to have another kid.

2. After weeks of camping out, the British media failed to capture pictures of Will and Kate on their way into the hospital as they slipped quietly through a back door. But, in the media’s defense, that’s not how you make a baby.

3. Yesterday, Prince William and wife Kate welcomed a baby boy into the world, who will be third in line to the British throne. Looks like the Queen’s servants will changing diapers for two now.

4. Yesterday, Prince William and wife Kate welcomed a baby boy into the world, who will be third in line to the British throne. “Get in line, asshole,” said Queen Elizabeth.

5. Four days after he was acquitted of murder, George Zimmerman stepped out of seclusion to help a family get out of an overturned SUV in Florida. Zimmerman heroically pulled the family from the vehicle and then promptly shot them all.

6. Four days after he was acquitted of murder, George Zimmerman stepped out of seclusion to help a family get out of an overturned SUV in Florida. Not much is known about the family, except, of course, that they are white.

7. Four days after he was acquitted of murder, George Zimmerman stepped out of seclusion to help a family get out of an overturned SUV in Florida. I guess it’s safe to assume that the SUV’s hood was down.

8. Yesterday, Major League Baseball suspended former MVP and All-Star Milwaukee Brewer outfielder Ryan Braun for the rest of the season for various drug violations. “There goes the season,” said Brewers fans three months ago.

9. Yesterday, Major League Baseball suspended former MVP and All-Star Milwaukee Brewer outfielder Ryan Braun for the rest of the season for various drug violations. “Wait, how do you get out of playing the rest of this season?” said every other Milwaukee Brewer.

10. Singer Billy Ray Cyrus and wife, Tish, have called off their divorce, according to a statement released by the couple. In response, America said, “Fine, great, whatever. Just promise you won’t have anymore kids, okay?”

Monologue Jokes – July 22, 2013

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1. A panel of legal experts started work on Sunday to revise Egypt’s Islamist-tinged Constitution. They are said to be borrowing heavily from U.S. founding documents, for instance, part of the new Egyptian Constitution states, “We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal. Now, as for women…”

2. Last week, Detroit filed the largest ever municipal bankruptcy in U.S. history. But, don’t worry, Detroit has a plan, it’s gonna mug Toledo.

3. Last week, Detroit filed the largest ever municipal bankruptcy in U.S. history. Proving that it’s never a good sign for the financial stability of your city if your richest citizen if Kid Rock.

4. A federal judge has temporarily exempted Hobby Lobby stores from a 2010 healthcare law requirement that it offer its workers insurance coverage for birth control, which the retailer said violated its religious beliefs. The ruling confused many Puerto Ricans, as having kids is their hobby.

5. A federal judge has temporarily exempted Hobby Lobby stores from a 2010 healthcare law requirement that it offer its workers insurance coverage for birth control, which the retailer said violated its religious beliefs. But don’t worry Hobby Lobby employees, your twelve cats should drive the men away anyway.

6. Over the weekend at San Diego’s Comic Con, director Zack Snyder revealed that the next Superman movie will feature Clark Kent facing off against Batman. The script is still in the early stages, but Snyder revealed that Act 1 will focus on Superman, Act 2 will introduce Batman and in Act 3 we will see Snyder rolling around in a bed full of money.

7. On Sunday, Prince Philippe was sworn in as king of Belgium after his father, Albert II, abdicated the throne over concerns about his advanced age. Upon reading this, Prince Charles cut out the story and hung it on the royal refrigerator in Buckingham Palace.

8. The mother of late pop star Michael Jackson testified in her wrongful death lawsuit that concert promoter AEG Live turned a blind eye to her son when he became sick while preparing for a 2009 comeback tour. And if anyone knows about “turning a blind eye” it’s the woman who married Joe Jackson.

9. Former White House correspondent Helen Thomas died on Saturday at the age of 92. You’re annoying God now, Helen.

10. Former White House correspondent Helen Thomas died on Saturday at the age of 92. Her last words were reportedly something anti-Semitic.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

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1. According to reports, actor Robert Downey Jr. is in negotiations to play both Pinocchio and Geppetto in an upcoming movie version of the classic fairy tale. “Really? Pinocchio too?” said a disappointed Jerry Sandusky.

2. In a recent interview with “Vogue” magazine, skier Lindsay Vonn said she has no interest in marrying boyfriend Tiger Woods. Which is funny, because in a recent interview with “Vibe” magazine, Tiger Woods said, “Which one’s Lindsay again?”

3. The latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine features Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover. Not since Rolling Stone picked Flavor Flav has someone graced the cover who has done less for an entire race.

4. Singer Stevie Wonder said he will not perform in the state of Florida until it discards its controversial “stand your ground” law. When asked how he knew that he wasn’t in Florida at the present moment, Wonder said, “Well, for starters, no one’s shooting at me.”

5. According to the Oakland Tribune, the Raiders are interested in building a new 50,000 seat stadium, which, if it comes to fruition, will be the smallest stadium in the league. Said a Raiders spokeswoman, “Frankly, the less Raiders fans together in one place, at one time, the better.”

6. On Monday, President Obama saluted former President George H.W. Bush for more than two decades of promoting volunteerism and national service. Obama praised Bush for all his efforts in spurring others towards national service, except for one, very specific instance.

7. Yesterday, Minnesota Republican Representative Michelle Bachmann said President Obama has “a perpetual magic wand, and nobody’s given him a spanking yet and taken it out of his hand.” “I’ll do it,” said an overly-excited Marcus Bachmann.

8. After his acquittal, according to friends, George Zimmerman may go to law school to “help people like himself.” Or, as Zimmerman refers to it, mild suggestion school.

9. On Wednesday in England, Queen Elizabeth gave her approval to a same-sex marriage bill. Said the Queen, “Now Prince Charles and that Camilla chap can finally marry.”

10. On Wednesday, the headquarters of the Environmental Protection Agency was re-named after former President Bill Clinton. Speaking about the honor, Clinton said, “I’m a big believer in a healthy bush, and I like nature, too.”