December 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Unna, an 18-year-old killer whale who lived at the SeaWorld park in San Antonio, died on Monday. Trainers at the park said the hardest part about losing Unna is finding a toilet big enough to flush her down.

2. Actor Will Smith said he was “repelled” when he first read the script for his new movie “Concussion.” Not to be outdone, Smith was in the hospital for two weeks after reading “Wild Wild West.”

3. A Trans Am that was used to promote the 1977 classic movie Smokey and the Bandit will go up for auction early next year. It’s perfect for anyone who’s looking for a new car to pull their home.

4. On Tuesday, Saudi Arabia-based retail chain Jarir Bookstore said it has removed books written by presidential candidate Donald Trump from its shelves due to his proposed ban on Muslims. Or, as it was reported by Trump, “They can’t keep my book on the shelves over there.”

5. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush has moved quickly to pick up some of Lindsey Graham’s supporters in South Carolina after Graham suspended his campaign. Said those supporters, “We want to lose twice.”

6. According to a report, by age two, many kids can unlock and navigate touch screens with ease. Or, as it was reported in China, potential workforce increases.

7. On Tuesday, director Quentin Tarantino received a star on a section of Hollywood’s Walk of Fame that sees very heavy foot traffic. Marking the first time that the star actually wanted to trade places with the star.

8. After a doctored image circulated online, IKEA was forced to shoot down rumors that one of its tables contained swastika imagery. Which is ridiculous, because swastika aside, that means someone actually put together a table from IKEA correctly.

9. A company has designed a line of new earthquake-proof beds that have collapsible mattresses that automatically drop people into a fortified box in the event of an emergency. The fortified box will keep the individual safe or, if not, serve as a very convenient coffin.

10. According to a police report, a Secret Service agent’s gun, badge, radio, handcuffs and flash drive were stolen in broad daylight Monday near the agency’s headquarters in D.C. The robber would have stolen the agent’s pants if he had remembered to wear them to work that day.

11. According to a new report, as many as 3,200 criminals were mistakenly released too early from Washington state prisons due to calculation errors. That story again, there’s a reason the Seahawks are good this year.

12. A cafe that hires people with hearing impairments has opened in Indonesia. Begging the question, if all the people who have trouble hearing are working there, who’s getting your name wrong at Starbucks?

December 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Steve Harvey, the host of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant, mistakenly announced Miss Colombia as the winner before correcting the mistake and announcing that the crown really belonged to Miss Philippines. You’d think the one thing Harvey, who has hosted Family Feud for the past five years, would be good at is reading a list in the correct order.

2. Steve Harvey, the host of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant, mistakenly announced the wrong winner on Sunday, who then had to hand over the crown to a very surprised Miss Philippines. Which is a much better surprise than what is typical associated with a “Miss” from the Philippines.

3. Sunday night, Miss Colombia was briefly named the winner of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant before host Steve Harvey corrected himself and said the real winner was Miss Philippines. But don’t feel too bad Miss Colombia, as with every pageant, the real loser was women’s rights.

4. Sunday night, Miss Colombia was briefly named the winner of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant before host Steve Harvey corrected himself and said the real winner was Miss Philippines. At which point Miss Colombia went ape-shit and had the Miss Congeniality crowned stripped from her as well.

5. The first Donald Trump-less Miss Universe pageant ended in controversy when host Steve Harvey accidentally read the wrong name. But there truly were no losers since, for the first time in years, no contestant was forced to sleep with Donald Trump.

6. Steve Harvey, the host of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant, mistakenly announced the wrong winner on Sunday. Begging the question, is Harvey in charge of the Republican presidential polling as well, because that would go a long way in explaining the frontrunner.

7. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Saturday said that as president she would probably still pick out the dinnerware and flowers for state occasions and send her husband, former president Bill Clinton, on special missions. Missions like going out to pick up some milk, from which, Bill will arrive home, two hours later, covered in glitter and without milk.

8. Senator Lindsey Graham dropped out of the 2016 Republican presidential race on Monday. Graham’s resignation served as a great reminder that he was apparently still running for president.

9. Yesterday, Nestle announced that it will sell 500 gold-wrapped Kit Kat bars starting at the end of this month. So if you live in an house where all your grandparents are forced to share one bed, get a fucking job!

10. Yesterday, Chelsea Clinton tweeted that she is pregnant with her second child. In response, Hillary Clinton said she was overjoyed since that what the polls told her was the appropriate reaction.

December 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. During Saturday night’s Democratic presidential debate, Bernie Sanders formally apologized to Hillary Clinton after a data-breach. “Apologizing to Hillary, that sounds pretty presidential to me,” said Bill Clinton.

2. Hillary Clinton ended Saturday night’s presidential debate by saying “May the force be with you.” Because Hillary knows the demographic of the people who are usually at home, watching TV on a Saturday night.

3. Hillary Clinton ended Saturday night’s presidential debate by saying “May the force be with you.” Which I assume was a direct response to moderator Wolf Blitzer ending Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate by saying, “These are the not the candidates you are looking for.

4. According to a new law, super-thin models in France must provide a doctor’s certificate confirming they’re of a healthy weight. “I’ll do it!” said every doctor in France in unison.

5. Golfer Jason Day’s wife was injured Thursday night after she was banged into by LeBron James while she was sitting courtside during a Cavs game. The last time a golfer’s wife was banged that hard it was by Tiger Woods, and it wasn’t his wife.

6. A North Korean all-female pop group canceled their Beijing concert last week when Chinese authorities objected to “anti-American” lyrics in the show. Although, if you really want to spread hatred for America, let Kei$ha play.

7. Top Republican Party donor Sheldon Adelson met with Donald Trump on Friday and called the presidential candidate “very charming.” Which can only mean one thing, he didn’t meet Donald Trump.

8. A crowd watching “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” at a theater in Hollywood collectively pitched a fit Friday night when the projector accidentally skipped 15 to 20 minutes ahead in the movie. Luckily there were no injuries since everyone had their inhalers on them.

9. The seven women suing Bill Cosby have subpoenaed the comedian’s wife Camille for a deposition. It will be one of the few depositions where the answer “I do not recall” will be completely understandable.

10. The PBS show “Finding Your Roots” has discovered that Bill Maher and Bill O’Reilly are actually distant cousins. Conclusively proving that a family can have more than one black sheep.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Tuesday night’s Republican presidential debate drew 18 million viewers, beating the season finale of “The Voice.” Which I would say is a great sign for this country if I didn’t know who was leading in the Republican polls.

2. BMW is recalling its “Baby Racer” ride-on children’s toy car because a sticker showing the brand’s logo could be peeled off the steering wheel and choke toddlers. Although, if your toddler is so douchey that he’s already driving a BMW, maybe that’s for the best.

3. According to a new poll, Newark International Airport is the country’s least favorite airport. Unless, of course, you’re using it to fly out of New Jersey, then it’s the best.

4. Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is trailing in Republican presidential polls but he had a strong showing among millennials on social media during Tuesday night’s debate. Millennials said they identify with Paul because, he won’t get that job he’s applying for either.

5. David Frei, the longtime co-host of New York’s Westminster Kennel Club dog show, announced on Wednesday that he will step down this year. But, to soften the blow, they’ll just tell the dogs he went to live on a farm upstate.

6. A company on Amazon has started selling Star Wars-themed condoms. The condoms are called, “Luke, I’m not you’re father.”

7. According to a new study, many parents don’t realize when their children are overweight. “Don’t worry, we’ll tell them,” said bullies.

8. Handbags, clothes and jewelry owned by the late British prime minister Margaret Thatcher went on sale yesterday. “Where can I bid on those?” said presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Carly Fiorina, and Lindsey Graham.

9. According to the Pentagon, A mine-detection system the U.S. Navy invested nearly $700 million and 16 years in developing can’t complete its most basic functions. Forcing the Navy to go with its back-up plan, teaching bomb-sniffing dogs to swim.

10. The University of Vermont has announced that it will offer a course in the science of marijuana. The way it works is, if you remember to show up for class, you fail.

December 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The fifth Republican presidential debate took place on Tuesday in Las Vegas. It was the one night a year in Vegas where if you said “I’m interested in craps,” you’d have to be more specific.

2. Tuesday night’s Republican presidential debate drew 18 million viewers, beating the season finale of “The Voice.” Which I would say is a great sign for this country if I didn’t know who was leading the Republican polls.

3. In a new poll, Americans said, of the Republican presidential candidates, Donald Trump would make the best Santa. The poll was conducted by asking Donald Trump who would make the best Santa.

4. According to a new study, a majority of parents think they are doing a great job. Said Dina Lohan, “I have kids!?!”

5. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio launched a new program on Thursday to reduce the city’s rising population of people living on the streets. The new initiative is entitled “A bus ticket to Jersey.”

6. The White House on Thursday called for “common sense steps” to help Puerto Rico claw out of its fiscal crisis. God I hope step one is “No more parades.”

7. BMW is recalling its “Baby Racer” ride-on children’s toy car because a sticker showing the brand’s logo could be peeled off the steering wheel and choke toddlers. Although, if your toddler is so douchey that he’s already driving a BMW, maybe that’s for the best.

8. On Thursday, the National Football League signed a deal with Snapchat, the mobile app where photos, videos and messages disappear in seconds. Or, to put it in NFL terms, longer than a suspension for domestic violence.

9. On Thursday, Russian president Vladimir Putin said suspended FIFA President Sepp Blatter was “a very respected person” and deserved a Nobel Peace Prize. So I think I finally get it, Putin has no idea what the word ‘peace’ means.

10. Tickets for Adele’s first concert tour of North America in five years sold out within minutes for venues on the U.S. East Coast on Thursday. Said the ticket rep to the disappointed fans, “Dude, you’re not getting Adele.”

11. Yesterday, a 34-year old slice of cake from the royal wedding of Britain’s Princess Diana and Prince Charles went up for auction. Said Chris Christie, “Not that’s a tragedy, a piece of cake sitting around uneaten for 34 years.”

12. According to a new poll, Newark International Airport is the country’s least favorite airport. Unless, of course, you’re using it to fly out of New Jersey, then it’s the best.

13. A woman in India last week named her newborn son “Uber” after delivering the child while using the ride sharing app. So congratulations to the new mother and my apologies to whoever hailed that car after her.

14. A company on Amazon has started selling Star Wars-themed condoms. Although Star Wars fans already have a very effective tool used for sexual protection, it’s called being a Star Wars fan.

15. According to a new study, after menopause, more than half of women have vulvovaginal symptoms like itching, burning, stinging, pain, irritation, dryness, discharge, or odor. You can read more about it in a medical journal that hopefully doesn’t have any pictures.

16. According to a new study, kids as young as 13 may be inundated with daily ads from the alcohol industry on social media. “Could you be more specific about which social media you’re talking about?” said Jared Fogel.

17. Time magazine released outtakes from a cover-shoot with had with Donald Trump and a bald eagle, including a video of the bird attacking Trump. Apparently the eagle became upset when Trump offered it unsolicited advice on how to comb over its hair so it wouldn’t be bald anymore.

18. In a recent interview, Burt Reynolds criticized fellow-actor Charlie Sheen by saying he deserved to get HIV. Begging the question, what terrible thing did the American public do to deserve three “Smokey and the Bandit” films?

December 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani teenager who won the Nobel Peace Prize, condemned presidential candidate Donald Trump’s controversial plan to ban Muslims from entering America. Leaving Trump in the uncomfortable position of not knowing whether to attack her for being Muslim or a woman.

2. Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is trailing in Republican presidential polls but he had a strong showing among millennials on social media during Tuesday night’s debate. Millennials said they identify with Paul because, he won’t get that job he’s applying for either.

3. David Frei, the longtime co-host of New York’s Westminster Kennel Club dog show, announced on Wednesday that he will step down this year. But, to soften the blow, they’ll just tell the dogs he went to live on a farm upstate.

4. An airplane company has announced plans to develop a small seating area on the top of some jets that will allow a 360 degree view of the sky. The company reportedly got the idea by hearing how Mitt Romney’s dog traveled on family road-trips.

5. On Wednesday, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” became the first album in history to cross the 30 million mark in U.S. sales. And, I like to think if Michael were alive today, he would have celebrated with Bubbles the Monkey, the Elephant Man’s bones and a little boy who was good at keeping secrets.

6. A Biblical reference made by a Peanuts character has been cut from an elementary school performance of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” in eastern Kentucky in order to abide by federal laws. Even the religious parents were in favor of cutting the line, saying, “The less I have to sit through the better.”

7. Restaurant chain Buffalo Wild Wings has introduced a Mountain Dew flavored chicken wing for the last two weeks of the year. They’re perfect for anyone who’s 2015 new year’s resolution was to kill themselves, but hasn’t gotten around to it yet.

8. Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate on CNN drew 18 million viewers. Or, to be more accurate, 17,999,999, because I’m pretty sure Ben Carson slept through most of it.

9. According to a new study, teenage cigarette smoking fell to its lowest level since the University of Michigan began doing its national survey in 1975. Making it much more difficult for the researchers to determine which were the cool kids.

10. Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said on Wednesday he expected the party to settle on a nominee for the 2016 presidential election by mid-April. ‘Hi, yes, I’d like to schedule tee time for late April,” said Jeb Bush.

December 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman in India last week named her newborn son “Uber” after delivering the child while using the ride sharing app. Which is ironic, because, after the rating that driver gave her, she’ll never be able to use the app ever again.

2. A company on Amazon has started selling Star Wars-themed condoms. The condoms are called, “Luke, I’m not you’re father.”

3. Three men were arrested on Monday for engaging in a wide-ranging hacking and spamming scheme that targeted the personal information of 60 million Comcast customers. Customers became suspicious that they weren’t talking to an actual Comcast representative when the person on the other end of the line was actually helpful.

4. According to a new study, many parents don’t realize when their children are overweight. “Don’t worry, we’ll tell them,” said bullies.

5. According to a new study, smoking and exposure to secondhand smoke is tied to infertility in women. Begging the question, how can we get Kim Kardashian to start smoking?

6. A group of Detroit-area teachers got sick last week after unwittingly eating a batch of marijuana-laced brownies left in the teachers lounge. The affected teachers learned not to eat random food and the art teacher learned to leave his brownies lying around.

7. Brazilian international soccer star Shakhtar Donetsk has received a one-year suspension for doping. Which is bad news for Brazil’s Olympic hopes, but great news for any soccer announcer who would have had to try to pronounce that atrocity of a name.

8. Miami Heat rookie and Duke alumni Justice Winslow said Wikipedia helped him get through school. That’s outrageous, at a prestigious school like Duke they should have other, smarter students doing the basketball players’ work for them.

9. Handbags, clothes and jewelry owned by the late British prime minister Margaret Thatcher went on sale yesterday. “Where can I bid on those?” said presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Carly Fiorina, and Lindsey Graham.

10. In a study of elected presidents and prime ministers from 17 countries, the winners typically lived 2.7 fewer years and had a 23 percent greater risk of premature death than runners-up who never served in their nation’s highest office. But the study found there are some simple things that can improve the winners’ health, like running at least three times a week, cutting down on eating red meat and not riding in a convertible through Dallas, Texas.

December 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A couple is set to be married while waiting in line for the new “Star Wars” movie. The couple will be honeymooning in the groom’s parent’s basement.

2. Yesterday, comedian Bill Cosby countersued seven women, saying they lied when they accused him of sexual assault. Which I guess also serves as an admission of guilt for the other forty-three accusers he didn’t sue.

3. After news that Major League Baseball has yet again rejected Pete Rose’s plea to have his lifetime ban lifted, presidential candidate Donald Trump weighed in saying “So ridiculous, let him in!” And I have to say, nothing makes more sense than Donald Trump being friends with Pete Rose.

4. Rumors are circulating that pop-star Justin Bieber and mother-of-three Kourtney Kardashian are dating. Which makes sense, because Courtney said she hated being pregnant but wanted another kid.

5. Ole Miss star defensive lineman Robert Nkemdiche was charged with marijuana possession after breaking through and falling out of a 15-foot-high hotel window in Atlanta on Saturday. Which is not good publicity for the NFL-bound star, but great publicity for that weed.

6. According to a new study, people who live alone are physically healthier when it comes to body mass index than those who live with other people. Begging the question, exactly how many people are living in Chris Christie’s house?

7. Scientists have developed a bomb-proof bag that capable of containing a bomb on an aircraft. So now, finally, there’s a safe way for “Pixels” to be the inflight movie.

8. On Friday, Cuba and the United States agreed to restore direct postal service between the former Cold War rivals. And, as with most things that leave Cuba, no return addresses will be needed.

9. Starting next year, electronic cigarettes and water pipes will be banned in the Netherlands for children under 18. That story again, apparently there are laws in the Netherlands.

10. Pringles is coming out with a candle that smells like its potato chips. Begging the question, what terrible odors are you trying to cover up that Pringles is a better option?

December 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, the majority of new cases of STDs are occurring in the South. Scientists discovered this when they noticed that a large percentage of people who live in Alabama knew how to spell “gonorrhea.”

2. According to the Pentagon, A mine-detection system the U.S. Navy invested nearly $700 million and 16 years in developing can’t complete its most basic functions. Forcing the Navy to go with its back-up plan, teaching bomb-sniffing dogs to swim.

3. The University of Vermont has announced that it will offer a course in the science of marijuana. The way it works is, if you remember to show up for class, you fail.

4. A group of four Denver Broncos fans alleged that a security guard at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego prevented them from entering the stadium last weekend until they removed their turbans. But, in the security guard’s defense, he also made all the Chargers fans remove the paper bags from their heads before entering.

5. Saudi Arabian women voted for the first time on Saturday in local elections, with some even on the ballot as candidates. Unfortunately, all the female candidates were running for the position of not being stoned to death.

6. On Sunday, the leaders of over 200 countries signed a historic agreement at the Climate Summit in Paris aimed at curbing the effects of climate change. While Fox News denied that such a summit even took place.

7. Over the weekend, vandals damaged a building housing Facebook’s offices in Germany, smashing glass, throwing paint and spraying “Facebook dislike” on a wall. “If anybody asks, say I was with you” said Tom from MySpace.

8. On Friday, Donald Trump responded to Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal, the Saudi billionaire who called him a “disgrace … to all America” on Twitter, by calling him “dopey.” Which I guess means Trump is Grumpy, Jeb is Bashful and Carson is Sleepy.

9. After winning their first twenty-four games of the NBA season, the Golden State Warriors suffered their first loss this year on Saturday to the Milwaukee Bucks. “See, isn’t losing much easier?” said the 76ers.

10. According to reports, Super PACs supported by donors have spent over $30 million on advertisements for Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign. Said those donors, “What is your refund policy?”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. In a recent interview, golfer Tiger Woods said he peaked when he was eleven. Begging the question, how much sex was eleven-year-old Tiger Woods having?

2. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush hinted that, if nominated, he would pick a woman as his running mate. “Word of advice, that doesn’t work with just any woman,” said John McCain.

3. Philadelphia prosecutors on Monday announced a pilot program that gives people charged with nonviolent felonies a chance to attend college classes as an alternative to going to trial. Which is basically the exact opposite of how FSU works.

4. Porsche will spend over $1 billion on production facilities to make its first-ever all-electric sports car. Because nothing says you can’t care about the environment and also have a small penis.

5. Last week, ahead of the highly-anticipated release of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”, actor Mark Hamill went undercover as a stormtrooper on Hollywood Boulevard for charity. It was a nice break for Hamill who usually plays Batman on Hollywood Boulevard.

6. Yesterday Donald Trump ripped Time magazine’s pick of Angela Merkel as their “Person of the Year,” saying she is “ruining Germany.” Merkel has been added to Trump’s list of people who have ruined Germany, so now the list reads “Angela Merkel” and “the Allies.”

7. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio said his favorite show is “The Walking Dead.” Although Rubio thinks “The Walking Dead” is a documentary about Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign.

8. This week, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will become a part-time vegetarian to cut down on his carbon footprint. Then he drove off in a Hummer inside of a tank

9. On Wednesday, Former boxing champion and devout Muslim Muhammad Ali said banning all Muslims from entering the U.S. is not the answer. That story again, a man who got punched in the head for a living still makes more sense than Donald Trump.

10. A forensic scientist has come up with a composite of what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s new baby boy will look like in seven years. The composite proves one thing for sure, there’s a lot of down time when you’re a forensic scientist.