Tag Archives: Puerto Rico

April 8, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new report, volunteers cleaning up trash from a New Jersey beach picked up 565 condoms last year. That’s crazy, how can you figure out what’s trash and what’s just a part of New Jersey? 

2. The owners of Krispy Kreme recently admitted to a family history that includes ties to the Nazi party in Germany.“Well I’m definitely gonna eat there more often now,” said Steve Bannon every day for the pasty twenty years. 

3. On Tuesday Connecticut Huskies women’s basketball head coach Geno Auriemma said, “The majority of coaches in America are afraid of their players.” “No shit,” said Bill Belichick:

4. On Monday, Pope Francis repeatedly withdrew his right hand as a long line of people bowed and tried to kiss the ring on it. Said the Pope, “Lower.”

5. According to a new study, combining sex and drugs is common among all genders and sexual orientations, with people in Britain most likely to engage in the practice. That story again, the Queen gets turnt: 

6. Brooklyn Councilman Robert Cornegy, who measures 6-foot-10-inches, was named world’s tallest politician. A record that will stand until Donald Trump’s next physical.

7. A University of Hartford student has been charged with attempted murder after he stabbed two of his classmates while re-enacting a movie scene for a drama class. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like he’s a shoe-in for the part of Officer Nordburg in the university’s production of ‘The Naked Gun’:

8. A lawyer for former New York Knick and current Dallas Maverick Kristaps Porzingis said Monday that a woman accusing him of rape is lying in an attempt to extort the Latvian basketball star by running his name through the mud. Said Porzingis, “I’ll pay whatever it takes, I just don’t want this to get out, people can’t know I was once a Knick.”

9. A hotel in England has launched so-called “lemoga” class which allows guests to do yoga in a room filled with lemur monkeys. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to do hot yoga, but still wants the smell.

10. Justin Bieber has apologized for joking about his wife being pregnant on April Fools’ Day after drawing criticism from some who felt it was insensitive to those dealing with fertility issues. It was also insensitive to those people who are very scared of there being more Biebers in the world. 

11. A court in Michigan this week ruled that giving a police officer the middle finger is an act of free speech. Said one officer upon seeing a black guy flick him off, “HE’S GOT A GUN!”

12. The Kremlin said on Monday, Russia is ready to improve ties with the United States but it is up to Washington to make the first move. Luckily, ’making the first move’ is one of Trump’s specialities:

13. A South Carolina man was arrested after driving around a college campus not wearing pants. So heads up Oregon Duck:

14. In a recent op-ed, George Conway, husband of White House advisor Kellyanne Conway, says that, despite the findings of the Mueller Report, President Trump is unfit for the office. Other thing Trump is unfit for: marriage, fatherhood, an size extra-large shirts:

15. This week, comedian Volodymyr Zelensky took the lead in Ukraine’s presidential elections. “What’s it like to have a president who people laugh at on purpose?” said every Americans.

16. Former Speaker Paul Ryan said Tuesday that he doesn’t believe freshman Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez listened much to the advice he gave her about being a member of the House. So I guess she’ll have to figure out how to retire in disgrace by her mid-forties all on her own.

17. Congressional Democrats raised questions on Wednesday about security at President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida after a Chinese woman carrying electronic devices bluffed her way through security checks last weekend. Said Trump, “Even worse, they let Eric in.”

18. White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow on Wednesday said the United States has plans to rapidly revitalize the Venezuelan economy, including financial and food planning as well as getting cash to people in the country. “Cool,” said the people of Puerto Rico.

19. On Friday, President Trump said he has the right to read the Mueller Report, but has not done so as of yet. He hasn’t gotten around to it yet because he’s already in the middle of another book:

20. According to a new poll, nearly half of all Americans still believe President Trump worked with Russia to interfere in the 2016 presidential election. That surprising statistic again, a majority of people believe Donald Trump actually worked.

September 14, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Two people in Britain have been diagnosed with a rare viral monkeypox infection in two separate cases. So I guess Susan has some explaining to do: 

2. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. That doesn’t make any sense, why would God be so intent on killing Post Malone when Macklemore is still out there rapping?

3. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. The rapper isn’t taking any chances, in fact he’s changed his name to Pre Malone.

4. A former Trump Organization executive this week claimed that President Trump tried to have Braille removed from elevators in Trump Tower, because, quote, “No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower.” Live no, decorate yes:

5. An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay entitled “How to Murder Your Husband,” was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly murdering her husband. The woman said her one regret was not titling the essay “How to Murder Your Husband and Get Away With It.” 

6. In a recent interview, former professional boxer Oscar De Le Hoya said he is seriously considering running for President of the United States of America. That story again, a man who sustained massive brain damage thinks he’d make a good president and also Oscar De La Hoya: 

7. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” “Try waking up next to,” said Melania.

8. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” But, what keeps him going is thinking about all the little children who rely on the federal government for healthcare and how badly he wants to take that away from them.

9. President Trump on Friday called on the Justice Department to investigate the New York Times after the news outlet published an anonymous op-ed critical of the president. He also asked the DOJ to investigate another publication because he has looked forever and he’s pretty sure Waldo not on this page:

10. Amazon said on Friday it plans to open the first checkout-free ‘Amazon Go’ grocery store in New York. “Way ahead of you,” said thieves in a Gristedes.

11. Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, who committed suicide in June, was posthumously awarded his fifth Emmy Award on Sunday. That’s great, now someone needs to tell Tim Allen that’s how you get an Emmy.

12. The Jumbotron at George Washington University’s Charles E. Smith Center, which is used for the men’s and women’s basketball teams, collapsed onto the floor Tuesday. And even though the scoreboard was on the court, J.R. Smith still didn’t know how much time was left:

13. This week, while commenting on Hurricane Florence, President Trump said the storm is “tremendously big and tremendously wet.” Which coincidentally is how the Ritz Carlton Moscow described a king-sized mattress they are trying to sell.

14. Wednesday night, the Seattle Storm defeated the Washington Mystics to take home their third WNBA title. Or, did I just made up those two teams? Hell, maybe the WNBA season doesn’t even start until December, there really is no way of knowing.

15. After former President Obama delivered a speech last Friday criticizing the President, Donald Trump said that he tried to watch the speech but fell asleep, adding, quote, “I found he’s very good, very good for sleeping.” “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said Secretary of HUD Ben Carson packing his bags.

16. A man in New York won $10 million after buying a lottery ticket and a Slim Jim for his dog at a convenance store. “Uh-oh,” said the guy when he went to turn in the winning ticket:

17. Scott Frantz, an intern for Texas Senator Ted Cruz was arrested on Monday after Capitol Police found shotgun shells in the back of his vehicle. It’s going to be really hard for Frantz to get another job with that on his record, ‘that’ being worked for Ted Cruz.

18. President Trump on Thursday disputed Puerto Rico’s official death toll of 3,000 from hurricanes last year, accusing Democrats of inflating the figure. Although, in Trump’s defense, I’m guessing a lot of people have faked their own deaths to get away from him.

October 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Historians in France have discovered what they believe is a nude sketch of the Mona Lisa. Even crazier, they also found a sex tape:

2. Arthur Janov, a psychotherapist known for developing primal scream therapy, has died at the age of 93. So good luck getting a moment of silence at that funeral.

3. On Tuesday, director Brett Ratner tapped actor Jared Leto to play Hugh Hefner in an upcoming biopic of the ‘Playboy’ founder. So if Hugh hadn’t died last week, this probably would have done it.

4. Comedian Nick Cannon refused to apologize Wednesday night after using offensive words during a performance at a Catholic university. The objectionable language included the f-word, the n-word and the phrase “coming to the stage next, Nick Cannon.”

5. According to reports, at a maximum-security prison in Alaska, inmates were stripped naked in front of female guards and walked around on a dog leash. “Alright, maybe I will like prison,” said Anthony Weiner.

6. According to reports, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson wanted to resign back in July, but Vice President Mike Pence convinced him to stay by giving him a pep talk. A pep talk that Pence has gotten very good at after having to deliver it daily to Melania.

7. Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi said Friday that O.J. Simpson is not welcome to relocate to Florida once he’s released from prison. So my advice to Simpson is to not move to Florida and my advice to Bondi is to not forget her glasses at a restaurant.

8. President Donald Trump reportedly called Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones four times asking him not to have the team kneel during the national anthem before their last game. Which makes this picture so much funnier:

9. In a recent poll, where respondents were asked to give a one word description of President Trump, the ten most common responses were “incompetent,” “arrogant,” “strong, “idiot,” “egotistical,” “ignorant,” “great,” “racist,” “ass” and “narcissistic.” “Man, what’s a guy got to do to get the word ‘dotard’ trending,” said Kim Jong Un.

10. Country music superstar Garth Brooks announced this week that he is writing an autobiography that will span five books. And, from the look of Brooks, I’m guessing two of the books are a recipe for rice pudding:

11. British tennis player Dan Evans has been banned from competitive play for a year after testing positive for cocaine. Authorities became suspicious after he altered his side of the court just a bit:

12. On Wednesday, the Nobel Prize in Chemistry was awarded to three scientists for their discoveries in cryoelectron microscopy. Coming in a close second was President Trump with his discovery that Puerto Rico is an island, surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

13. After being released from prison, O.J. Simpson said “nothing has changed” in his life during the nine years he spent behind bars. “You’d be surprised,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

14. In a recent interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he hasn’t decided if he will run for re-election in 2018. Or, I assume, skip the election and just declare himself the winner.

15. United Airlines just launched the shortest domestic flight that is only sixteen minutes long. But, in the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie,’ so it feels much longer.

16. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have left customers vulnerable to identity theft. Which is weird because I’ve never seen anyone eating at a Sonic and thought “man, that guy has his life together, I’d love to be him.”

17. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have allowed hackers to access customer’s credit card information. I’m usually not in favor of identity theft, but some guys have it coming:

18. All five former living U.S. presidents will take part in a benefit concert for hurricane relief later this month. All of them agreed to participate due to their deep-seated desire to help Americans in need, except for Clinton, he just wants to meet Rihanna.

19. Last week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk predicted one day soon rockets will be able to fly people from New York to Shanghai in just 39 minutes. “Dammit, I resigned too soon,” said Tom Price.

20. A North Carolina man was arrested and charged with trying to hide marijuana in the bushes outside a courthouse before a probation hearing. “Yeah, I could have told you that’s not a good hiding spot,” said one man:

June 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Pablo Picasso’s granddaughter, Diana Widmaier-Picasso, is starting her own jewelry line. All earnings will come one to a set.

2. You will soon be able to rent President Trump’s childhood home in Queens for $4,000 a month. Or, if you’re willing to spend a lot more, you can rent Barron’s childhood home, just make the check out to Vlad:

3. On Thursday, the Justice Department issued a complaint alleging that stolen money was used to finance and produce the movie ‘Dumb and Dumber To.’ “I know that feeling of having your money stolen,” said people who saw “‘Dumb and Dumber To.’

4. An off-the-record speech by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull in which he mocked President Trump was broadcast on TV. Australia should be careful because Trump angers easily and Austria should be careful because he’s not that bright.

5. The White House has eliminated nearly 60 requirements for agencies to submit paperwork in a bid to make the federal government operate more efficiently. Because if there’s one thing President Trump believes in, it’s not submitting paperwork:

6. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered former-FBI Director James Comey asylum if an investigation is launched against him. “I’ll give you a list of great restaurants in Moscow,” said Michael Flynn.

7. A San Francisco woman found a bullet in a recently purchased avocado. Along with either a death threat or a recipe:

8. According to reports, the 2017 NBA Champion Golden State Warriors unanimously voted to skip the traditional celebratory trip to the White House. Although, just because you lose a vote to go to the White House doesn’t mean you won’t end up there anyway:

9. Rolf Buchholz, the world’s more pierced man reveled that he has 278 piercings in his penis. So, when he says he’s ‘polishing his knob,’ it may not be a euphemism.

10. KFC announced plans to send a chicken sandwich to the edge of space with a high-altitude balloon. “And so the chase begins,” said Chris Christie:

11. According to a new study, Taco Bell is one of the country’s healthiest fast food restaurants. “I was just ahead of my time,” said the doctor who’s been prescribing Chalupas for years:

12. On Sunday, Puerto Ricans voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming America’s 51st state. Said Trump, “Sorry, Russia already called dibs on it.”

13. Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told reporters on Friday that former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton encouraged him to take a job in the Trump White House. Specifically, the job of president.

14. The White House said on Friday that President Trump will visit Poland ahead of next month’s G20 summit in Germany. Said Poland, “Trump’s visit will be the most unwanted visit from any foreign leader in our country’s history”:

15. A hospital in Mississippi allowed a 12-year-old girl to help doctors deliver her newborn baby brother. Which, considering it’s Mississippi, was a nice glimpse into the 12-year-old’s not-too-distant future.

16. A Michigan man apparently upset because his food included onions, is now in jail after he allegedly threatened to kill the restaurant owner before exposing himself. Or, maybe, he was just providing the restauranteur a visual example of how to ‘hold the onions.’

17. U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers seized 150 pounds of meth Sunday, found hidden inside boxes of popcorn. Which makes sense, because you can’t get a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth when you don’t have any teeth.

18. In a new interview, actress Lena Dunham revealed that her dad taught her how to use a tampon when she was fourteen. Or, as Woody Allen refers to it, date night.

19. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. He is survived by one slice of sausage, three slices of plain and a full, untouched veggie pizza.

20. A Brooklyn man allegedly prowled a Manhattan bar for drunk college students and then took them back to his apartment, where he forced them to smoke crack before robbing them. “God, I miss college,” said Charlie Sheen.

June 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, Kellyanne Conway, a top adviser to President Trump, was overhead mocking fellow White House staffers at D.C. party. But I don’t believe that, because if Conway was in attendance there’s no way it was a party.

2. According to a new study, Taco Bell is one of the country’s healthiest fast food restaurants. But, I assume, that’s because the food don’t stay in your body long enough to do any real damage.

3. President Trump reportedly told British Prime Minister Theresa May that he wants to postpone his state visit to the U.K. if large-scale protests disrupt his trip. “I completely understand,” said May:

4. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ while visiting his golf club in New Jersey this past weekend, President Trump had several 1-on-1 conversations with Governor Chris Christie. Or, to me more accurate, several 1 1/2-on-1 3/4 conversations.

5. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke said on Monday he has recommended that President Trump reduce the size of the Bears Ears National Monument in Utah. Because there’s no better way to discredit former-President Obama presidency than to go after a national park named after ears:

6. On Sunday, Puerto Ricans voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming America’s 51st state. Although, I’m not sure it works that way. You can’t just unilaterally decide to join a better situation, unless, of course, you’re Kevin Durant.

7. According to a new study, enduring unkind co-workers and bosses can have a negative effect on your health. Don’t believe me? This is what Sean Spicer looked like a year ago:

8. A person paid $133,000 for two floor seats to last night’s Game 5 of the NBA Finals to witness the Golden State Warriors win their second title in three years. And, if I’m that fan I’m pissed, because LeBron’s teammates got to sit court-side and be spectators for free.

9. According to reports, Russian state actors are posing as attractive young women on Facebook to friend American service members and gather intel. The Russians reportedly got the idea from the Slovenians:

10. Over the weekend, drag-queen Michelle Visage emceed a charity fundraiser in place of actress Sharon Stone, who suddenly feel ill. Guests figured out it wasn’t Stone when Visage crossed and uncrossed her legs.

May 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, Dr. Ben Carson said it’s not going to be a problem finding a running mate for Donald Trump. Which makes sense because he’s got files full of people with severe brain injuries.

2. This week, a couple in California spent $65,000 on a Harry Potter-themed wedding. And, it sounds like it went well, because later that night the groom finally caught the bride’s golden snitch.

3. A man in the U.K. was arrested last week for teaching his girlfriend’s dog to give the Nazi salute when he gave the command “sieg heil.” He also taught the dog to roll over whenever he said “France.”

4. A man in the U.K. was arrested last week for teaching his girlfriend’s Corgi dog to give the Nazi salute when he gave the command “sig hiel.” Although the man is claiming it wasn’t him but the new crowd the dog is running with:
german sheppards

5. This week, Golden State’s Stephen Curry won his second NBA MVP award in a row, becoming the first player in NBA history to win with a unanimous vote. The last time that many people voted in such an overwhelming majority it was for Jeb Bush not to be president.

6. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is less popular than head lice. Parasitic head lice are organisms that survive by living off a stronger host organism, or, as it is known in politics, Chris Christie:
christie-trump

7. George Zimmerman is auctioning off the gun he used to kill Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman said he is doing that to remind people that, despite not being in the news for a while, he is still a giant piece of shit.

8. 84-year-old reporter Morley Safer announced this week that he is retiring from TV news magazine “60 Minutes.” Safer said he wants to spend more time with his family while he still remembers who they are.

9. A live action TV-series based on the long-running comic book “Archie” is set to debut next year. But hasn’t America had enough of seeing Jughead on their TVs:
trump

10. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Thursday that he and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan largely agree on issues of border security, trade and beefing up the military. The one point they disagree on is Trump being president.

11. On Wednesday, Newt Gingrich said he would not rule out the possibility of being persuaded to serve as Donald Trump’s vice presidential running mate. And by ‘persuaded’ he means ‘asked.’

12. A woman in Virginia plans to celebrate her 100th birthday by pole dancing. That story again, a woman’s 100th birthday was very sparsely attended.

13. In an interview that aired Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden said, had he run, he would have been the ‘best president.’ Which, according to Biden, is just below President Obama, who was the ‘bestest president.’

14. A dating website is pledging to match Americans who can’t live with a Donald Trump presidency to Canadians looking for love. Which I’m pretty sure is how Heidi Cruz met Ted.

15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Monday he has chosen New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to lead his White House transition team as he prepares for the general election campaign. Which should make for a smooth transition unless there are any bridges to cross.

16. This week the National Labor Relations Board ruled that employers cannot force employees to be happy at work. Or, as it’s known at the Walgreens on my block, business as usual.

17. A new study has found the most common names for male criminals are Juan and Jeremy. Although I’m sure Donald Trump pronounces both names with a soft ‘J.’

18. A new report shows that Puerto Ricans are moving off the island in record numbers, with an average of 230 people leaving a day. “230 Hispanics leaving a day? What’s your secret?” said Trump.

19. San Antonio Spurs headcoach Greg Popovich said sometimes he leaves center Boris Diaw on the court during blowout wins so he can lose some weight. As opposed to the Knicks head coach who leaves his players on the court for public shaming purposes.

20. Presidential candidate Donald Trump has started outlining what he hopes to accomplish during his first 100 days in office. That seems pretty presumptuous for him to assume the country will still exist 100 days into his presidency.

March 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Actor and former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger endorsed John Kasich for president. Which is a shame, because it means we won’t get to hear Schwarzenegger try to pronounce “Marco Rubio.”

2. In Florida, a woman who was naked from the waist down drove her car into a Waffle House restaurant. And, she was still the the most-overdressed person at that Waffle House.

3. On Monday, a 10-year-old boy, born without hands or lower legs was signed by his favorite baseball team, the New York Yankees. The boy said he became a Yankees fan because you don’t need arms or legs to boo A-Rod.

4. Bernie Sanders has sued Ohio’s secretary of state over what it calls an unconstitutional attempt to prevent young people from voting in the state’s primary. Which is a pretty big deal because Bernie considers anyone under 65 to be a ‘young voter.’

5. According to new research, taking off your bra may lead to firmer, healthier breasts. Said researchers, “No, no, slower … now, arch your back a little.”

6. According to a new study, children who skip lunch may not be getting enough vitamins and minerals from the rest of their meals. But, to be fair, there are only so many hours in the day and those iPads aren’t gonna make themselves.

7. According to a new study, U.S. workers without paid sick leave are more likely to keep going to work when they’re sick and to forgo medical care. Researchers made this discovery by eating at Chipotle.

8. On Tuesday, model Naomi Campbell received the “Women Leading Change” award to mark International Women’s Day. Said her assistant, “Great, another blunt object for her to use.”

9. According to the adult website PornHub, the most searched for term in 30 of the 50 states is “lesbian.” And, in unrelated news, Hillary Clinton has bought more pant-suits.

10. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio won the primary held in Puerto Rico. Although, if you ask me, the real winner was Donald Trump for not saying something super-racist about it.

March 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, the IOC announced that a team comprised solely of refugees will compete in this year’s Summer Olympics. Donald Trump said he will use the refugees’ results in the pole vault to determine how tall to build the wall.

2. A wearable robotic limb that allows drummers to play their kit with three arms has been invented by researchers. The inventors got the idea for a third arm by watching a video of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, one specific video.

3. The Syrian government reported a nationwide power outage Thursday. Speaking as a Time Warner Cable customer, maybe those Syrian refugees and us aren’t that different after all.

4. Five New York women have filed suit against New York’s so-called “tampon tax,” which will levy a 4% “luxury tax” on feminine hygiene products. No word on whether New York citizen Donald Trump would also have to pay the tax since he is a huge douchebag.

5. An Ohio man who killed his roommate and ate part of his brain almost 40 years ago was denied parole for the sixth time. And no one was more disappointed by the decision than his current cellmate.

6. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ordered his country to be ready to use its nuclear weapons at any time in the face of growing threats from its enemies. Which is bad news for South Korea and even worst news for Jong Un’s barber.

7. Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio won his first ever primary on Super Tuesday in Minnesota. And you never forget your first, which is why it sucks when your first is Minnesota.

8. Yesterday, after a year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly touched down in Houston to discover he is now a full inch taller than his identical twin brother Mark Kelly. “Put me down for five years in space,” said Kevin Hart.

9. On Tuesday, Donald Trump Jr., the son of Donald Trump, appeared on a white supremacist radio talk show. Afterwhich, an apology was immediately issued reading, “Sorry we couldn’t book a better guest.”

10. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump recently said no one has done more for equality than he has. Which is true, because Trump called both Mexicans and Puerto Ricans “garbage people.”

11. On Tuesday, a spokesman for the Ivy League said the league’s football programs are considering banning tackling in practices due to health concerns. “Shit, why end there, we got rid of tackling during games,” said a spokesperson for the Cleveland Browns.

12. MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry is refusing to host her show this Saturday after consecutive weeks in which her show was replaced by general news programming. So if you were one of the loyal viewers of Harris-Perry’s program, hi people who fell asleep with their TV on.

13. In a recent interview, model Cheryl Tiegs said that she thinks fashion’s increasing acceptance of full-figured women sends a bad message, referencing a plus-size model’s appearance on the 2016 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover. If that’s the case, don’t let Tiegs see the cover of any O Magazine, ever.

14. On Friday, Gianni Infantino was elected the new president of FIFA, replacing previous president Sepp Blatter after a tumultuous year. It’s funny, because even though I know that, I keep writing ‘Sepp’ on all my bribery checks.

15. After being elected the new president of FIFA, Gianni Infantino said, “I want to look in the eyes of kids who are smiling because they have a ball to play with.” “Careful what you wish for,” said Jerry Sandusky.

16. On Saturday, “Fifty Shades of Grey” won the Razzie for worst film of the year. Which means, not even the Razzie judges watched “Pixels.”

17. Police in Amsterdam arrested a gang of drug dealers who used two fully-grown crocodiles to guard their money. An idea, that I’m sure when first was suggested, began and ended with the phrase, “Now, please pass the cocaine.”

18. According to a report, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is expected to announce his retirement from football this week. “Wait, I thought other people announced that for you,” said Tim Tebow.

19. The Supreme Court had a power outage during one of its cases on Tuesday. Said Chief Justice Roberts, “The lights are turned down, I’m wearing a robe, now let me see those briefs.”

20. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is trying to tie fellow-candidate Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. While Donald Trump is trying to tie Ted Cruz to a pair of cement shoes.

December 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The fifth Republican presidential debate took place on Tuesday in Las Vegas. It was the one night a year in Vegas where if you said “I’m interested in craps,” you’d have to be more specific.

2. Tuesday night’s Republican presidential debate drew 18 million viewers, beating the season finale of “The Voice.” Which I would say is a great sign for this country if I didn’t know who was leading the Republican polls.

3. In a new poll, Americans said, of the Republican presidential candidates, Donald Trump would make the best Santa. The poll was conducted by asking Donald Trump who would make the best Santa.

4. According to a new study, a majority of parents think they are doing a great job. Said Dina Lohan, “I have kids!?!”

5. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio launched a new program on Thursday to reduce the city’s rising population of people living on the streets. The new initiative is entitled “A bus ticket to Jersey.”

6. The White House on Thursday called for “common sense steps” to help Puerto Rico claw out of its fiscal crisis. God I hope step one is “No more parades.”

7. BMW is recalling its “Baby Racer” ride-on children’s toy car because a sticker showing the brand’s logo could be peeled off the steering wheel and choke toddlers. Although, if your toddler is so douchey that he’s already driving a BMW, maybe that’s for the best.

8. On Thursday, the National Football League signed a deal with Snapchat, the mobile app where photos, videos and messages disappear in seconds. Or, to put it in NFL terms, longer than a suspension for domestic violence.

9. On Thursday, Russian president Vladimir Putin said suspended FIFA President Sepp Blatter was “a very respected person” and deserved a Nobel Peace Prize. So I think I finally get it, Putin has no idea what the word ‘peace’ means.

10. Tickets for Adele’s first concert tour of North America in five years sold out within minutes for venues on the U.S. East Coast on Thursday. Said the ticket rep to the disappointed fans, “Dude, you’re not getting Adele.”

11. Yesterday, a 34-year old slice of cake from the royal wedding of Britain’s Princess Diana and Prince Charles went up for auction. Said Chris Christie, “Not that’s a tragedy, a piece of cake sitting around uneaten for 34 years.”

12. According to a new poll, Newark International Airport is the country’s least favorite airport. Unless, of course, you’re using it to fly out of New Jersey, then it’s the best.

13. A woman in India last week named her newborn son “Uber” after delivering the child while using the ride sharing app. So congratulations to the new mother and my apologies to whoever hailed that car after her.

14. A company on Amazon has started selling Star Wars-themed condoms. Although Star Wars fans already have a very effective tool used for sexual protection, it’s called being a Star Wars fan.

15. According to a new study, after menopause, more than half of women have vulvovaginal symptoms like itching, burning, stinging, pain, irritation, dryness, discharge, or odor. You can read more about it in a medical journal that hopefully doesn’t have any pictures.

16. According to a new study, kids as young as 13 may be inundated with daily ads from the alcohol industry on social media. “Could you be more specific about which social media you’re talking about?” said Jared Fogel.

17. Time magazine released outtakes from a cover-shoot with had with Donald Trump and a bald eagle, including a video of the bird attacking Trump. Apparently the eagle became upset when Trump offered it unsolicited advice on how to comb over its hair so it wouldn’t be bald anymore.

18. In a recent interview, Burt Reynolds criticized fellow-actor Charlie Sheen by saying he deserved to get HIV. Begging the question, what terrible thing did the American public do to deserve three “Smokey and the Bandit” films?

July 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Over the weekend, singer Billy Joel, 66, married long-time girlfriend, Alexis Roderick, 34. Said Joel, “I’m at a stage in my life where I want to settle down and have a permanent designated driver.”

2. Over the weekend, singer Billy Joel, 66, married long-time girlfriend, Alexis Roderick, 34. Roderick is hoping that not only the good die young.

3. Amid a growing financial crisis, Greek banks will stay closed for another two days to avoid running out of cash. Turns out building a culture around breaking kitchen plates for no reason was a bad idea.

4. On Monday, Susannah Mushatt Jones of Alabama, the world’s oldest person, turned 116. Jones was born in 1899 and has seen a lot of change in her lifetime, except for in South Carolina.

5. Today Hillary Clinton will give the first nationally televised interview of her presidential campaign. To see the interview in its entirety, tune into CNN, and to see clips taken wildly out of context, tune into FoxNews.

6. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton accused China on Saturday of stealing commercial secrets and trying to “hack into everything that doesn’t move in America.” “Oh, Fuck!” said Chris Christie.

7. After days of outrage, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Monday that some of his criticism of Mexico has been distorted. Adding, “I also hate Puerto Ricans, too!”

8. A new U.S. study found that weight screenings in high schools were not enough to get overweight and obese kids on track toward a healthier weight. “Don’t worry, we’ll take it from here,” said bullies.

9. According to a new survey, many doctors and nurses come to work sick even though they knew it puts patients at risk. Also, it’s great for drumming up repeat business.

10. After 24-year-old golfer Danny Lee won the PGA’s Greenbrier tournament on Sunday, he said he was happy to win, but “my one wish is that I had a girlfriend.” Which explains why his grip on his clubs was so strong.