Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

April 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actress Salma Hayek’s husband, French billionaire François-Henri Pinault, pledged almost $113 million to rebuild Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. And, considering his tastes, I assume the rebuilt church will be extremely top-heavy.

2. McDonald’s said on Wednesday that it is partnering with AARP to help attract workers who are aged fifty or above. Proving that it’s never too late in life to completely give up. 

3. A bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. They will also sell cakes to celebrate unsuccessful ones:

4. President Trump reportedly refers to his daughter Ivanka as ‘baby’ in official meetings. He also has nicknames for his sons, he calls Don Jr. “who?” and Eric “tell him I’m busy.” 

5. Kohl’s announced on Tuesday that it will accept Amazon customers’ order returns for free, even without the shipping box. It’s all part of Kohl’s new motto: “We’ll take whatever shit you got lying around.” 

6. According to reports, President Trump gave South Korean President Moon Jae-in a message to relay to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. And there’s at least a 50% chance Trump gave Moon that message because he thought he was Jong Un.

7. This week, lawyers for Robert Kraft, who has been charged with soliciting and paying for sex, tried to block the release of an uncover video of the New England Patriots owner. Which is confusing because I thought Kraft was always in favor of a full release.

8. President Trump is expected to travel to Japan next month to attend the final day of the country’s summer Grand Sumo Tournament. Where I assume he will ask for a few weight loss tips.

9. During a town hall that was aired on Fox News, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders called President Trump “a pathological liar.” Said Trump, “Well, if it’s on Fox News.”

10. A five-year-old Michigan boy called 911 to order McDonald’s and the police decided to bring it to him. And, just like that, President Trump has his next Medal of Freedom recipient.

11. Over the weekend, President Trump took to Twitter to proclaim that he has never been happier. Never, really?:

12. An article written by Stephen Moore, one of President Trump’s picks to serve on the Federal Reserve Board, has surfaced in which Moore asked if there was any area in life “where men can take vacation from women. “Yes, it’s called prison,” said Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen.

13. Henry Bloch, who helped build tax preparation company H&R Block into a leading force in business, died Tuesday at the age of 96. He is survived by his wife and three good-for-nothing dependents.

14. On Tuesday, a man set a new world record by playing 420 holes of golf in 24 hours. Even more impressive, he still found time in between holes to tweet:

15. PepsiCo is suing four farmers in India for copyright infringement, claiming they were growing a variety of potatoes trademarked by the company. Not to be outdone, Coke is suing the concept of time for slander.

July 6, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal with the Los Angeles Lakers. That story again, John Travolta no longer has the worst hairline in Hollywood:

2. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal to become a Los Angeles Laker. “When did LeBron leave?” asked J.R. Smith seven months from now.

3. Bad news for the city of Cleveland, on Sunday NBA All Star LeBron James announced that he is leaving Cleveland for Los Angeles. And, in even worse news for Cleveland, the Browns announced they are staying.

4. The Moscow zoo has named a new-born eagle after Igor Akinfeev, the star goalkeeper who helped Russia beat Spain and advance to the World Cup quarter-finals. Which means there’s a fifty percent chance that next week’s headline, after Russia’s inevitable loss, of “Igor Akinfeev fed to the lions” will be referring to the bird.

5. On Friday, Comcast, which owns NBC, suffered a massive outage, leaving many customers nationwide without television. The last time NBC caused that many TVs to be shut off, they were airing ‘Marlon’:

6. A draft of a bill from the Trump administration proposed having the U.S. abandon key World Trade Organization principles. And, just to make sure Trump continues to ignore the WTO, they have renamed it Eric.

7. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. “I’m so excited to finally be able to write cleaner, more wholesome subtitles,” said the guy who used to write subtitles for Access Hollywood:

8. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. Yeah, deaf or heard-of-hearing:

9. Weeks after ABC fired her for racist tweets, Roseanne Barr said she’s been fielding “many” TV offers. For instance, Time Warner offered to give her the first two months of cable for free.

10. U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents seized 108 counterfeit Super Bowl rings that were shipped into the country in June. Authorities became suspicious when they saw Mark Sanchez sporting a Super Bowl ring:

11. In a recent interview, actor Guy Pearce called fellow actor Kevin Spacey “handsy.” Which is like calling Bill Cosby a “mixologist.”

12. Walmart faced an outcry from Trump supporters on Tuesday for selling shirts bearing the slogan “Impeach 45.” No word on whether the supporters were upset with the slogan or the fact that the shirt had sleeves:

13. The captain of the Nigerian men’s national soccer team played a key World Cup match last week just hours after learning that his father had been kidnapped. “You think that’s bad, I play every game knowing that my dad is in the stands,” said Lonzo Ball:

14. This week, Michael Avenatti, the lawyer representing adult film actress Stormy Daniels, floated the possibility that he might run for president in 2020. You’d think a guy who represents porn stars would be more familiar with the idea of being over-exposed.

15. On Wednesday, Michael Cohen deleted “personal attorney to President Donald J. Trump” from his Twitter profile. Said President Trump, “You can delete things from Twitter!?!?!”:

16. The Korea Football Association has decided not to pursue charges against people who threw eggs at the national team after they arrived home from the World Cup. The South Korean soccer team said the incident was “disgraceful,” while the North Korean soccer team said “FREE EGGS!!!!”.

17. While giving a rally speech in Montana on Thursday, President Trump said he looked up into “their beautiful sky.” Which can only mean one thing, there must have been a solar eclipse in Montana on Thursday:

18. EPA chief Scott Pruitt resigned on Thursday under heavy fire for a series of ethics-related controversies. Pruitt knew it was finally time to leave and then stayed another ten months.

19. According to a new study, seeing the same doctor over the years helps people live longer. Counterpoint, Dr. Conrad Murray:

20. Last week, comedian Stuttering John Melendez, known for having a very pronounce speech impediment, prank called the White House and was put through to the President. Begging the question, how did he even understand a single thing that guy was saying, also, it probably wasn’t easy listening to the guy with the stutter either.

May 4, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump signaled once again on Tuesday that he wants to create a new branch of the U.S. military called “the Space Force” dedicated to fighting in outer space. And I have a pretty good guess who the first person drafted into the Space Force will be:

2. On Thursday, a judge ruled that a New York condo can take the T-R-U-M-P letters off its facade. This marks the first time that Melania has been jealous of a building.

3. According to a new study, one in four Americans said they would have sex with a robot at least once just to try it. “Unfortunately, due to my religious beliefs, I had to marry the robot first,” said Karen Pence.

4. Authorities have rescued a cat seen wandering around New York City’s Kennedy Airpot for over a week. Stuck in the same airport for a week, either that cat was lost or flying United.

5. On Tuesday, Donald Trump’s longtime personal physician, Dr. Harold Bernstein said the letter he wrote in 2015 stating that Trump will “unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency” was dictated word-for-word to him by the President. That hard-to-believe story again, Trump knows the word ‘unequivocally.’

6. A California man who police say was drunk and hungry broke into a Taco Bell in the middle of the night and ate taco ingredients. Crazy to think that breaking into a store was only the second worst decision that guy made that night.

7. In a recent interview, President Trump said NBC should be nicer to him because he, “made them a fortune.” Under the theory, so should the gamblers of Atlantic City:

8. On Thursday, people jumped out of their cars on an Indiana highway to scoop up $600,000 in cash that fell out of a Brink’s truck. Said one motorist, “I never thought I’d see that much money in my life unless I won the lottery or told Michael Cohen that I slept with Trump.”

9. Twitter urged its more than 330 million users to change their passwords after a glitch caused some to be stored in readable text. Twitter is also urging others just to forget their password all-together:

10. On Friday, Swedish pop band ABBA announced that they have recorded new music for the first time since 1982. And, I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Spice Girls.

11. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un will shut down his nuclear test site in May and invite experts from South Korea and the United States into the country to ensure its closure. Said President Trump, “If I wanted to see a shuttered building, I just go to one of my businesses.”

12. After being bitten by a shark last week, a Colorado man achieved the rare distinction of being attacked by a shark, bear and rattlesnake all within the last four years. “Get the hint, asshole,” said Mother Nature.

13. Gold and diamond companies are joining with IBM to develop blockchain technology to track the origin of jewelry and ensure it is ethically sourced. Although, in some cases, determine the origin may be much simpler:

14. Boy band N’SYNC was honored on Monday with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Even better, Chris Kirkpatrick didn’t have to ask for the day off from work:

15. According to ‘The New York Times,’ Special Counsel Robert Mueller has a list of questions he wants to ask President Trump. Question number one, “How do you spell Special Counsel?”:

April 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. CIA Director Mike Pompeo made a secret visit to North Korea over Easter weekend and met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The two discussed important matters including denuclearizing North Korea, escalating tensions with South Korea, and wider shirt collars:

2. Toyota plans to start selling cars that can talk to each other using short-range wireless technology by 2021. They will be able to relay messages like “Move aside,” “Slow down ahead” and “Everyone look out, Caitlyn Jenner is driving me.”

3. An 18-year-old has started a GoFundMe so he can achieve his dream of taking a bath in KFC gravy. “You gotta dream bigger,” said Chris Christie:

4. On Tuesday, former First Lady Barbara Bush died at the age of 92. She is survived by by her husband, the 41st President of the United States, the 43rd Vice President of the United States, a former Congressman and director of the CIA, George H.W. Bush, her son, the 43rd President of the United States and former Governor of Texas, George W. Bush and Jeb.

5. President Trump’s personal lawyer was forced on Monday to reveal in court that Fox News personality Sean Hannity was also one of his clients. Finally answering the question, how bad are your other clients that you’re willing to be known as “Donald Trump’s lawyer”?

6. Senator Tammy Duckworth made history on Thursday as she became the first senator to cast a vote on the Senate floor with her newborn by her side. Although it’s not the first time a baby has been on the floor of the Senate:

7. After being suspended for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy on Friday, former New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez said, “I have never cheated or attempted to gain a competitive advantage.” And, you know what, I believe him:

8. Police in Kentucky say that mice are responsible for the disappearance of 1,200 ponds of marijuana. I hope that works out better for them than when my mom found my weed and I claimed it was the dog’s.

9. In James Comey’s new memoir, the former-FBI Director says President Trump is “untethered to truth.” But, that’s only because Trump only owns one tether and he’s already using it:

10. A new yoga class is being offered in New York City where people exercise with goats. “Wow, this place smells awful,” said every New Yorker, all the time, everywhere.

11. It was revealed in court on Monday that Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen also represents Fox News host Sean Hannity. Setting up the most impossible ‘marry, fuck, kill’ ever.

12. Monday night, in response to Michael Cohen revealing that Sean Hannity is his client, Hannity played a clip on his TV show of multiple newscasters saying his name over and over again. Which, coincidentally, is the only way Hannity can climax.

13. The reporter who uncovered the Bill O’Reilly sexual harassment cover-up scandal received a Pulitzer Prize on Monday for her work. Luckily the Pulitzer comes with a trophy, a cash prize and a lifetime supply of Purell.

14. New York’s attorney general on Wednesday asked Governor Andrew Cuomo to give him the power to bring criminal charges against people pardoned by President Trump. In response, President Trump pardoned Hillary.

15. President Donald Trump has requested an extension for filing his 2017 income tax return. Asked why he delayed paying his taxes, President Trump said, “I don’t want to give my money to this incompetent administration.”

16. Saudi Arabia launched its first movie theater on Wednesday, ending a nearly 40-year ban on cinemas. And, somehow the floors were already sticky.

17. White House national security adviser John Bolton told Russia’s ambassador on Thursday that better relations between the two countries required addressing U.S. concerns on election meddling, a chemical attack in Britain, and the situations in Ukraine and Syria. Then his Russian-counterpart said, “Yeah, I don’t think so”:

18. In his recently released book, former FBI head James Comey compared President Trump to a mob boss. But, instead of sleeping with the fishes, Trump falls asleep after Filet-o-Fishes.

March 23, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson ripped Colin Kaepernick’s “bad choice of attacking the flag.” And by that I assume Simpson means Kaepernick should have attacked the flag and a waiter.

2. Over the weekend, 100-year-old Orville Rogers set a world record for the fastest 60 meters race for a man over 100. He also set the record for ‘Youngest Orville.’

3. Denmark said Thursday it will build a 43.5 mile fence on its German border to keep out wild boars that carry a deadly infection. And, President Trump is such a bad negotiator, America is somehow paying for it.

4. Mall staple Claire’s has filed for bankruptcy. “Look, I did my part,” said this guy:

5. According to reports, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James once gained seven pounds during a playoff game. “I’ve never heard of such a thing,” said New York Knicks players, “what are these playoffs you speak of?”

6. A new poll found that a majority of Americans believe that the government is spying on them. Said Ivanka, “Especially when I taking a shower”:

7. Buffalo Bills wide receiver Zay Jones was arrested Monday night after he got into a fight with his brother, Cayleb, while naked. How embarrassing to be publicly identified as a Buffalo Bill.

8. This week, the last male northern white rhino died in Kenya leaving just two female members of the species. Said one female rhino to the other, “I guess we should learn how to play softball.”

9. According to reports, former top Trump aide Steve Bannon oversaw the controversial and possibly illegal collection of Facebook data by research company Cambridge Analytica. Which explains why the data was covered in the mustard stains and puss.

10. According to a polygraph report from 2011, Stormy Daniels was “truthful about having unprotected vaginal intercourse with Donald Trump in July 2006.” And I honestly can’t think of anything more irresponsible than having unprotected sex AFTER having Eric and Don Jr:

11. According to reports, Donald Trump Jr. had an affair with ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Aubrey O’Day in 2011. Which means O’Day did the previously unthinkable, she made appearing on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ the second most embarrassing Trump-related thing on her resume.

12. According to reports, Donald Trump Jr.’s wife Vanessa found out about her husband’s affair with ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Aubrey O’Day by going thought his phone while he was in the shower. “That doesn’t happen if you make them watch you take a shower,” said Harvey Weinstein.

13. This week, President Trump said he will get together with Russian President Vladimir Putin “in the not-too-distant future” to “discuss the arms race.” Presumably because he’s already lost the hands race:

14. On Wednesday, South Korean President Moon raised the possibility of three-way talks between North Korea, South Korea and the U.S. Said Trump, “I have the perfect U.S. representative for a three-way”:

15. On Thursday, The New York Giants traded defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, who lost a few fingers in a fireworks explosion, to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Pierre-Paul was so excited about the deal he gave it half a thumb up, which is his highest rating.

16. It was announced this week that actor Shia LeBouef will play his own father in a movie about him. It’s all part of LeBouef goal to make the most unwatchable movie ever.

17. White House Chief of Staff John Kelly assured aides to President Trump on Friday that no immediate personnel changes were in the works. “Define ‘immediate,’” said Bob Mueller.

18. Taco Bell is now selling a Strawberry Skittles Freeze slushie drink, made with real Skittles. It’s perfect for anyone who loves Skittles but always thought chewing was too much exercise.

March 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, one in every five working-age black men in the United States did not work at all in 2016. A low number that I wish was at least one man higher:

2. Due to his inability to obtain a full security clearance, this week President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, lost access to the most valued U.S. intelligence report. Said President Trump, “He can’t watch FoxNews?”

3. In an interview published on Tuesday, singer Barbra Streisand revealed the she had her deceased dog Samantha cloned. Streisand made an exact replicate to replace her dead dog, or, as Michael Vick calls it, covering your tracks.

4. On Monday, President Trump criticized police officers who failed to confront the shooter at the Florida high school by saying, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Begging the question, does he have a weapon? Can someone please check on that!

5. This week, a White House photographer caught images of advisor Stephen Miller appearing to fall asleep during President Trump’s meeting with governors. Which is weird, because Miller wasn’t anywhere near his coffin:

6. On Wednesday, White House communication director Hope Hicks announced that she will be leaving the Trump administration. Thus, inadvertently, coming up with Trump’s 2020 re-election motto:

7. It was reported this week that many nursing homes are using virtual reality equipment to allow elderly patients suffering from dementia to “travel back in time” to the days of their childhood in the early 1900s. Or, if they don’t have access to VR technology, they can just go to Alabama.

8. A Canadian athlete competing at the Winter Olympics has been charged with drunk driving after taking a car on a joy ride in the early hours of Saturday morning in South Korean. “Wait, is that an Olympic event?” asked Billy Joel.

9. While speaking of his campaign and administration at CPAC last week, President Trump said, “We’re fighting a lot of forces.” Yes, forces like common sense and decency.

10. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was honored at the Conservative Political Action Conference by the NRA awarding him a Kentucky long rifle. So good luck to Pai, who is of Indian descent and thus has a darker skin complexion, on getting out of that NRA convention holding a gun alive.

11. While speaking of the West Side highway in Manhattan during his speech at CPAC last week, President Trump “I know it very well, this stretch along the west side highway, people run in order to stay in shape.” Well, maybe not ‘very well’:

12. First Lady Melania Trump’s favorite TV show is reportedly “How to Get Away with Murder.” She’s hoping the answer is a never-ending diet of KFC and McDonald’s.

13. This week former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is writing a memoir that will be released November 13th entitled “Becoming.” Which means one thing, Melania’s memoir will be released on November 14th:

14. This week, sporting goods store Dick’s announced that it will stop selling assault style weapons. So now, if the answer to the question “Who’s gun is that?” is “Dick’s”, run!:

15. In a new USA Today poll, 59% of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump and one woman from the Midwest said she’d never heard of Donald Trump. And there’s no question Trump’s way more angry about that one woman’s response.

16. After eight years of restoration work, Cuba on Thursday re-opened to the public the doors of its Capitol. Said the U.S., “What’s it like to actually get something accomplished in your Capitol building?”

17. Last week, Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet revealed that he has penned a new play about film producer Harvey Weinstein. I don’t understand, didn’t we already have one of those?:

January 26, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to his alleged-mistress Stormy Daniels, President Trump is deathly afraid of sharks. Is he afraid of all sharks or, like Charlottesville, does he make an exception for the great white ones?

2. According to reports, Matt Lauer’s wife has kicked him out of the house. Turns out he’s not the only Lauer who knows how to install a lock on a door.

3. On his last day in the Middle East, Vice President Mike Pence visited Israel’s historic Western Wall. “Look at this old, relic from a very long time ago,” said the wall.

4. The Weinstein Company has entered into exclusive negotiations to sell the studio to a group of investors led by former Obama administration official Maria Contreras-Sweet. It will be a nice change of pace for an Obama official to follow a sexual predator this time, instead of the other way around:

5. A car insurance company has admitted to increasing premiums for customers with hotmail email addresses, claiming they are more likely to get into accidents. Said one of those customers, “I’m brining you down, wait til everyone on Friendster hears about this!”

6. Last week, White House special counsel Ty Cobb said he expects the Russia investigation to wrap up in the next four to six weeks. After which, I assume, he will go back to his day job as mayor of Munchkinland:

7. The International Olympic Committee announced on Saturday that North Korea will send 22 athletes to the Winter Games in the South Korea next month. The athletes said they look forward to representing North Korea this year and South Korea in 2022.

8. Twelve hours into the federal government shutdown, minority leader Chuck Schumer complained, “Negotiating with President Trump is like negotiating with Jell-O.” Said representatives from Jell-O, “Still not the worst publicity we’ve had”:

9. According to reports, ex-Trump staffer Omarosa Manigault Newman may have secretly recorded all of her conversations while working in the White House. If true, we may finally hear firsthand conversation only Omarosa was privy to, conversations like, “What is Omarosa doing here?” and “What the fuck is her job?”

10. According to a new survey, ten percent of Americans have never heard of Mike Pence. Said Pence, “Please tell me one of those people is Robert Mueller.”

11. During last weekend’s Woman’s March, the president of Planned Parenthood called on white women to do more to “save this country from itself.” In response, Hillary quietly excused herself to her punching wall:

12. On Monday, nominations for the Razzies, the awards for the worst movies of the year, were announced with “Transformers: The Last Knight” leading the way with nine nominations. Which is weird because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

13. Cybercriminals claim to be selling the Social Security numbers of babies on the dark web. “What about phone numbers?” asked Jared Fogel.


14. President Trump said on Monday that he would make a deal on immigration only if he sees it as beneficial for the country. Or if Melania starts to lose her looks.

15. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Of course Trump would have to be under oath because, as Melania will tell you, he’s way too heavy to be on top.

16. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Begging the question, does the oath count if your hand barely covers the Bible?:

17. Monday was Donald and Melania Trump’s 13th wedding anniversary. Which means Donald saved some money by only having to send one bouquet:

18. A U.S. official appointed by President Donald Trump has resigned after CNN posted excerpts of him making racist and Islamophobic comments on a radio show he used to host. Asked whether they knew about the video, the Trump administration replied, “Why do you think we hired him?”

19. President Donald threatened on Thursday to withhold aid to the Palestinians if they did not pursue peace with Israel. But, the president should know that sometimes you have to support things even if you don’t want to:

20. Buyers who sign up early for new Trump-branded apartments in India are being given the chance to meet with Donald Trump Jr. Although, but if don’t have enough money to buy a condo, but still want to meet Don Jr., just tell him you have dirt on Hillary Clinton.

November 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week in Germany, movie-goers were forced to evacuate a theater after a man tried to open a beer with pepper spray. When asked if he was crying because he was exposed to the pepper spray, one man said, “No, I’m crying because I spent $15 to see Johnny Depp in ‘Murder on the Orient Express.’”

2. According to reports Osama bin Laden spent the last years of his life arguing with people in the comments section of YouTube who claimed 9/11 was an inside job. Ah, the comments section of YouTube, a place where Osama bin Laden is only the fourth or fifth worst person.

3. China’s drug control agency disputed President Trump’s claim that most of the synthetic drug fentanyl at the heart of the U.S. opioid crisis is produced in China. Said Trump, “Okay, but I’m not letting you off the hook for the pee-pee in the Coke thing.”

4. President Trump’s attempt to make an unannounced visit to the border separating North and South Korea was aborted on Wednesday after dense fog prevented his helicopter from landing. In unrelated news, Melania was seen on the White House’s North Lawn setting up multiple fog machines.

5. Last week, Actress Lindsay Lohan tweeted at President Trump saying they should meet while he’s in Asia. And, if Trump has any sense of humor, he’ll make Pence attend that meeting all alone.

6. A man was arrested near the White House on Monday. But, on the plus-side, that’s less than last week:

7. When asked in a recent interview about all the open positions in the State Department, President Trump said, “I’m the only one that matters.” Which is also how he signs his kid’s birthday cards:

8. While speaking in Japan last week, Ivanka Trump called for the end to harassment of women in the workplace. “What about on buses?” asked her father.

9. According to a new poll, 59% disapprove of Trump’s handling of the presidency, the worst of any president at nine months in office since modern polling began. It’s the worst rating a Trump has received after just nine months since Eric was born.

10. Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman to win the New York City Marathon in 40 years on Sunday. Flanagan was able to maintain a blistering pace because right behind her was the eventual second place finisher, Harvey Weinstein.

11. Actor Alec Baldwin claims that he was told that Melanie Trump likes his impression of her husband on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Specifically the part where she can mute him.

12. According to reports, President Trump urged his CIA Director Mike Pompeo to meet with former NSA-employee William Binney who circulated the debunked theory that the leak of Democratic Party emails last year was an inside job rather than a Russian cyberattack. That story again, Mike Pompeo met with a paranoid, conspiracy theorist and also William Binney.

13. The country of Indonesia plans to launch a new automated system to help block websites displaying content such as pornography or extremist ideology. That story again, Indonesia will no longer have the internet.

14. A noted Filipino artist is creating an action figure of President Donald Trump. And bad news ladies, it’s gonna have king-fu grip:

15. While speaking in China this week, President Trump said, “Don’t blame China. Who can blame a country for being able to take advantage of another country for the benefit of their citizens.” Adding, “Especially when Hillary Clinton is still around to blame.”

16. A substitute teacher at a Virginia school was charged with being drunk in public this week after students found him passed out at his desk. That story again, a substitute teacher was arrested for doing his job.

17. During a round of golf, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe fell into a sand bunker but his playing partner, President Trump, didn’t seem to notice. Which isn’t surprising since Trump doesn’t seem to be aware that Eric’s head has been stuck in a staircase at Trump Tower for the past three years:

18. On Wednesday, police in Pennsylvania arrested a man who showed up to a local school intoxicated wanting to vote the day after the election. And it must have been one hell of a hangover because he showed up wanting to vote for Jimmy Carter.

19. President Trump’s long-time confidant Keith Schiller privately testified that he rejected a Russian offer to send five women to Trump’s hotel room during a 2013 trip to Moscow. Said Trump, “What am I going to do with five women? I only have two grabbing hands.”

20. The producers of the completed but unreleased Hollywood film “All the Money in the World” have chosen to remove Kevin Spacey from the movie, recast his role and reshoot his scenes following sexual misconduct allegations against the actor. And, in a sign of just how unpopular Spacey is now, they are replacing him with Jar Jar Binks.

October 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pop-star Katy Perry had a malfunction during a concert in Nashville last week that left her suspended in the air above the audience. But, to her credit, Perry’s been stuck in worse situations, after all, she was marred to Russell Brand for two years.

2. Singer Justine Skye dropped to a knee toward the end of her rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner prior to the Brooklyn Nets home opener against the Orlando Magic last Friday. Which seems pointless because I assume anyone at a Nets-Magic game is there in protest.

3. According to a new study, mothers around the world have similar responses to hearing their babies cry. And, strictly from the research I’ve conducted on planes, that response is to completely ignore their baby.

4. John McCain took what was widely seen as a swipe at President Trump as he condemned the ways in which wealthier Americans avoided serving in the Vietnam War. In response, Trump said, “Thank you for calling me ‘wealthy.’”

5. Nemo, the young dog adopted this year by France’s Emmanuel Macron, was caught on camera relieving himself on a gilded fireplace in the Elysee Palace on Monday. Hey, at least it’s your leader’s dog who doesn’t know where to pee:

6. According to a new study, smokers who have had more than five sexual partners are at a greater risk of getting cancer. Begging the question, how the fuck is Keith Richards still alive?

7. Last week, Fox News host Laura Ingraham said that adults will wear diapers instead of sharing a restroom with transgender people. That story again, Fox News host Laura Ingraham promises to shit herself to teach you a lesson.

8. According to a new study, people struggling with irritable bowel syndrome might do better on an individualized diet. And if you have irritable bowel syndrome, you should probably get used to do most things individually.

9. Singer Kid Rock ruled out running for Senate on Tuesday, saying that his earlier hints about seeking office next year were a lark to get publicity for his upcoming album. So good news, Kid Rock was joking about running for Senate, bad news, I don’t think he was joking about releasing a new album.

10. A Brooklyn mother-daughter duo were arrested last week for allegedly stealing $250,000 worth of Staples gift cards. Come on, be a contributing member of society, do what all the rest of us when we need office supplies, steal them from work.

11. Authorities say a man accused of trying to rent a car in Delaware using a fake ID was caught hiding in a trash can. But, to his credit, he’s really sticking to that ID:

12. Jeff Glor was named the anchor of ‘The CBS Evening News’ this week. CBS News is known for their in-depth investigative journalism so hopefully they’ll be able to figure out who the fuck Jeff Glor is.

13. This week the NAACP issued a travel advisory cautioning African Americans about flying on American Airlines. But, in their defense, as any student of U.S. history will tell you, naming themselves ‘American’ airlines should have been fair warning.

14. A scrap of paper where Albert Einstein wrote his “theory of happiness” in 1922 just sold for $1.56 million. Yet the scrap of paper where I wrote my “theory of happiness” remains unsold:

15. President Donald Trump declined to say on Wednesday whether he will visit the Korean Peninsula’s demilitarized zone during an upcoming Asia tour. Said Trump, “Is there a golf course there?”


16. The number four ranked golfer in the world, Hideki Matsuyama, has accepted the invitation to play golf with President Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe next month. Hopefully it goes better than Trump’s last outing with an Asian golfer:

17. Aston Martin has begun selling a special Tom Brady Signature Edition car for $359,950 that was designed by the New England quarterback himself. Not to be outdone, Cleveland Browns’ quarterback Kevin Hogan is looking to sell his 1992 Geo Metro.

18. Kellogg’s says it’s changing the art on its Corn Pops cereal box after a consumer complained it was racist. They’re also having a hard time explaining this picture:

19. Lady Gaga and former Vice President Joe Biden have teamed up to shoot a PSA against sexual assault. And, now, for the rebuttal:

20. The NYPD is currently searching for a man who left a crime scene wearing a fedora and a $48,000 watch. Police are calling every man who lives in New Jersey a person of interest.