April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

July 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. The London gospel choir that performed at the wedding of Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, has signed a record deal with Sony Music. Not to be outdone, the Queen has signed with Death Row Records:

2. Over the weekend, a rider was kicked out of the Tour de France for trying to punch another rider. That story again, Chris Brown learned how to ride a bike.

3. Over the weekend, Italian rider Gianni Moscon was kicked out of the Tour de France for “showing a lack of restraint” when he tried to punch another rider. Although, if you ask me, he showed unbelievable restraint by only punching one of these guys:

4. Facebook said on Monday it would double its presence in London, acquiring nearly 600,000 square feet of office space. Meanwhile, Tom from MySpace wants to know if he can crash on your couch a few a nights.

5. Gloria Estefan was honored by the Spanish government on Monday for her contribution to the arts. She was also honored for her tireless work making the public aware of the rhythm and its intention to get them.

6. On Sunday, hundreds of people gathered in a Switzerland’s Mount Tracouet for the world’s biggest wooden Swiss alpine horn festival, which happens once a year. Of course, the other 364 days of the year they all apparently gather in the apartment next to me.

7. Over the weekend, the tiny Belgian city of Marche-en-Famenne held Europe’s biggest “living statue” festival, where people posed as famous people like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. To see a living person stand that still outside of Marche-en-Famenne, you’d have to take my uncle out to dinner and wait for the bill to come.

8. This week a was arrested for working out nude at a Planet Fitness. Apparently, before his arrest, he was standing by the bench press doing a clean jerk.

9. Russian hackers gained access to the networks of U.S. electric utilities last year, which could have allowed them to cause blackouts, according to federal government officials. Or, in the case of Detroit, turn the lights back on.

10. Three former U.S. secretaries of state, Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright, will make guest appearances in October on political television drama “Madam Secretary.” While current Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will appear on the least convincing episode of “Undercover Boss” ever:

11. Actor Johnny Depp gave Harry Potter fans a look at his coming portrayal of the villain Grindelwald, delivering a monologue in character at San Diego Comic-Con on Saturday. You could tell Depp was in character because he was only wearing eleven scarves.

12. On Monday, the U.S. anti-doping agency announced that six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended for 14 months for receiving an intravenous infusion of a permitted substance without a therapeutic use exemption. Said Lochte, “Can you please use smaller words?”:

13. After the President of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump sent an all caps tweet saying “YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.” Which, coincidentally, were also the vows he said to Melania.

14. Republicans on Friday voted to hold their 2020 presidential nominating convention in Charlotte. And, if they nominate Trump, it’ll be the worst thing to happen inside Charlotte since she marred Trey in season 2:

15. Uber and Lyft have suspended a driver following a report that he recorded passengers without their consent. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to hear the Michael Cohen is working again:

16. In a new study, an international team of scientists identified more than thousand variations in human genes that influence how long people stay in school. Apparently there is a gene for how rich your dad is.

17. According to reports, the soccer ball Russian President Vladimir Putin gifted to President Trump contained a chip capable of transmitting data. Putin was not concerned inserting such a fragile piece of technical equipment into athletic equipment, because he was certain that by giving it to Trump it would never get any use.

18. A Georgia state lawmaker who yelled racial slurs and dropped his pants on Sasha Baron Cohen’s new Showtime show after being told it would intimidate terrorists offered his resignation letter on Tuesday. Well, if Trump dropping his pants is what it takes to finally get him to resign, it’s definitely not worth it:

19. The Ferrari from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” will be up for action next month. And, a word of advice to that auctioneer, don’t take any bids over the phone from Abe Froman the Sausage King of Chicago.

20. President Trump accused Twitter on Thursday of restricting the visibility of prominent conservatives and promised to investigate the matter. Said Trump, “I haven’t seen a tweet from Ronald Reagan pop up on my timeline in a long time.”

July 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the Trump name was removed from a downtown hotel in Canada. “I didn’t realize it was that easy to take the Trump name off of something?” said President Trump eyeing Eric.

2. Frances Gabe, the creator of the only self-cleaning house, died Tuesday at the age of 101. He died doing what he loved, leaving behind a mess for someone else to clean up.

3. According to ‘People’ magazine, Donald Trump Jr. “goes to work every day and is miserable” and “can’t wait for these four years to be over.” Which is easily the most relatable Don Jr. has ever been.

4. O.J. Simpson was recently caught masturbating in his prison cell. Or, as every headline about the story should read, O.J. caught squeezing the juice.

5. It was revealed Wednesday that two new books set in the Harry Potter universe will be released in October. They’ll be similar to the previous Potter books except now, when the characters talk about “He Who Shall Not Be Named,” they have to be more specific:

6. Porn provider Pornhub reported that their site’s traffic was down 4.5% on Sunday night when HBO aired the season premiere of ‘Game of Thrones.’ That story again, nerds are terrible at multitasking.

7. According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is still less popular than Donald Trump. What do you mean ‘still’?:

8. According to a dissident Chinese billionaire, China has over 25,000 spies in the US. “Good lord, I’m never gonna be able to secretly meet with all of them about ‘adoption’,” said Donald Trump Jr.

9. In a new interview, singer Aaron Carter said he and his brother Nick, of Backstreet Boys fame, are not on speaking terms. And, I have to say, I don’t know which one of the brothers I’m more jealous of.

10. According to a new study, one in five Americans would not be able to pay their bills within one month of losing their job. So, I hope you’ve been saving up, Sean Spicer.

October 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a rally on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump mistakenly encouraged his supporters to get out and vote on November 28th, instead of the correct day for the general election, November 8th. Which is not surprising because Trump has a history of forgetting dates:

2. “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling announced on Thursday that the “Fantastic Beasts” franchise will be a series of five movies, not three as previously reported. Said Rowling, “Mama needs a new boat!”
3. A man in Canada standing trial for rape, is claiming his penis is way too small to have committed the vicious sex crimes he’s accused of and has offered to show his penis to the jury. If successful, Donald Trump is expected to hold up his tiny, baby-like hands as a defense against recent groping allegations.
4. In the wake of Donald Trump’s most recent crisis, major GOP donors are asking the Republican presidential candidate for their money back. Although, from the look of it, I’m guessing he may have already spent it:

5. On Monday, actor Shia LaBeouf livestreamed his Vegas wedding to actress Mia Goth that was presided over by an Elvis impersonator. And, though the stream was free, out of habit, at the end, viewers asked for their money back.

6. A husband in Texas faked his own kidnapping so he could hang out with his buddies. That’s weird, I didn’t know Ryan Lochte was married.

7. A family who bought a local Philadelphia cemetery in 2010 is suing to keep mourners out. And, in their defense, there is still one way to get in there.

8. A company is selling a smart pillow that tracks sleep, vibrates to prevent snoring and streams music. “So let me get this straight, it vibrates and plays Justin Timberlake music?” asked women.

9. Despite constant threats to do so, court records show that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has not sued a newspaper for libel in over thirty years. Although, this headline is really tempting the fates:

10. Yesterday, former congresswoman Michele Bachmann warned Christians that if they don’t vote for Donald Trump, the country will experience a wave of sexual assaults. Which is true because if he’s not in the White House, he’s gonna be out amongst us.

11. On Thursday, a fortune-teller machine featuring an animatronic Donald Trump was spotted at various locations throughout New York City. You can tell it’s not the real Donald because the machine actually reveals its fortunes.

12. A new study has estimated that Pokemon Go players have taken over one hundred billion steps in the past three months. “Unfortunately, the last step is always returning to our basement,” said their parents.

13. Family members ordered a pizza for their 87-year-old grandmother in Florida to make sure she was okay after being unable to reach her by phone after Hurricane Matthew. Which is bullshit, because when I ignore my family’s calls all I get are twenty angry voicemails and a major guilt trip.

14. According to a new study, kids that have an absent parent may be more likely than other children to start drinking and smoking before they reach their teens. Proving that it’s better to come from a two parent home or, in some cases, a no parent home:

15. On Monday, 1,201 married couples gathered at Western Michigan University to renew their vows, breaking a world record. Because if your relationship can survive a trip to western Michigan, it can survive anything.

16. In the wake of her armed robbery, this week, Kim Kardashian said her revamped security team is “ready for a gun battle.” And, I’m begging you, if there is a gun battle, can you please make sure Kourtney and Khloe are there too?
17. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump visited a class of first graders in Las Vegas. He even partook in an arts and crafts project:

18. In what can only be described as another stumble in a series of political gaffes, Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson couldn’t name North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un. You know, I’m beginning to think this guy’s not qualified to be president.

19. Students at Humboldt State University are protesting a lack of toilet paper on campus. Considering Humboldt isn’t even ranked in the top 500 universities nationally, have they considered using their diplomas?

20. According to a new study, people who wear glasses are smarter than those with perfect vision. But, on the other hand:

July 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, fans of Harry Potter books are less likely to vote for Donald Trump. Although, that sentence is just as accurate if you remove the words “Harry Potter” from it.

2. Senator Ted Cruz was booed Wednesday night at the Republican National Convention for not endorsing Donald Trump during his speech. Which was a nice change of pace for Ted Cruz who is normally booed for just being Ted Cruz.

3. A ‘Women for Trump’ rally held in Cleveland this week struggled to get an audience of even thirty people to show up. Which was probably for the best because, under the Republican platform, any time thirty or more women congregate in one place it is considered a brothel.

4. Visa said on Wednesday that it had signed sponsorship deals with all ten members of the International Olympic Committee refugee team that will compete this summer in Rio. I hate to be the guy who broke the news to the refugees which kinda visa they were talking about.

5. An California artist has erected a wall around Donald Trump’s Walk of Fame star on Hollywood Boulevard. But, don’t worry, the wall surrounding the star isn’t so high that it prevents you from peeing on it.

6. A top Republican official says he expects Ted Cruz to run for president again in 2020 even if Donald Trump wins this year. Which may seem like a swipe at Donald by Ted, but I’d argue assuming America will exist four years into a Trump presidency is a ringing endorsement.

7. Krispy Kreme has plans to start selling a donut-flavored soda. Because apparently chewing was still too much exercise for its customers.

8. After deciding not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich called Jeb Bush a “bad loser.” And, it’s weak insults like that that led to Trump picking Mike Pence on Newt as his VP.

9. Former Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is scheduled to speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Afterwhich, he is expected to hang around the stage for the next five days until someone tells him that it’s definitely over.

10. During his speech at the Republican Convention Tuesday night, Dr. Ben Carson compared Hillary Clinton to Satan. Carson was forced to use the devil as a comparison because other evil figures like Saddam Hussein and Vladimir Putin were already used in a much different fashion by Donald Trump.

May 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Belgian city of Bruges is building a pipeline that will run under the city that will only transport beer. But, until construction is finished, Coors Light is still your best bet to drink a beer that tastes like its been in a sewer underneath a city.

2. A woman who has accused Bill Cosby of drugging and molesting her at a Playboy Mansion party in 2008 has filed a second lawsuit accusing Playboy founder Hugh Hefner of conspiring in the assault. Said Hefner, “Cool, a three-way.”

3. Pictures of a three-year-old boy with a diagonal cut on his foreign went viral when his mom turned the scar into Harry Potter’s iconic lightning bolt scar. Child protective services are now referring to the boy’s mother as She Who Must Not Be Named.

4. Actor Henry Cavill, who portrays Superman on the big screen, has reportedly broken up with his girlfriend of seven months. Apparently commitment is his kryptonite.

5. Anne Graham Lotz, the daughter of Reverend Billy Graham, said terror attacks such as 9/11 and the mass shooting in San Bernardino were allowed by God because of the gay rights movement and the acceptance of evolution. Although it’s unclear what terrible things mankind did for God to unleash Anne Graham Lotz on us.

6. A 64-year-old man, who had his penis amputated after a penile cancer diagnosis in 2012, became the first patient in the U.S. to undergo a successful penis transplant, getting the donor penis from a deceased man. The only downside is, due to rigamortis, he is always erect.

7. On Monday, Democrat Hillary Clinton said, if elected president, she will name her husband, former President Bill Clinton, her economy czar. Because Hillary, more than anyone else, knows that it’s not good for Bill to have down time at the White House.

8. In a new interview, Melania Trump, the wife of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, said of her husband, “We know the truth. He’s not Hitler.” Coincidentally, Melania was also required to include that line in her wedding vows.

9. It was announced this week that South Korea, Japan, and the United States will hold their first-ever joint anti-missile exercise next month. “Let us know if you want to make it more than just an exercise,” said North Korea.

10. A Colorado Springs school district has approved the use of medical marijuana for its students. Which means, even if it’s announced ahead of time, to those students, every test will be a surprise pop quiz.

May 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Dr. Ben Carson said it’s not going to be a problem finding a running mate for Donald Trump. Which makes sense because he’s got files full of people with severe brain injuries.

2. This week, a couple in California spent $65,000 on a Harry Potter-themed wedding. And, it sounds like it went well, because later that night the groom finally caught the bride’s golden snitch.

3. A man in the U.K. was arrested last week for teaching his girlfriend’s dog to give the Nazi salute when he gave the command “sieg heil.” He also taught the dog to roll over whenever he said “France.”

4. A man in the U.K. was arrested last week for teaching his girlfriend’s Corgi dog to give the Nazi salute when he gave the command “sig hiel.” Although the man is claiming it wasn’t him but the new crowd the dog is running with:
german sheppards

5. This week, Golden State’s Stephen Curry won his second NBA MVP award in a row, becoming the first player in NBA history to win with a unanimous vote. The last time that many people voted in such an overwhelming majority it was for Jeb Bush not to be president.

6. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is less popular than head lice. Parasitic head lice are organisms that survive by living off a stronger host organism, or, as it is known in politics, Chris Christie:

7. George Zimmerman is auctioning off the gun he used to kill Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman said he is doing that to remind people that, despite not being in the news for a while, he is still a giant piece of shit.

8. 84-year-old reporter Morley Safer announced this week that he is retiring from TV news magazine “60 Minutes.” Safer said he wants to spend more time with his family while he still remembers who they are.

9. A live action TV-series based on the long-running comic book “Archie” is set to debut next year. But hasn’t America had enough of seeing Jughead on their TVs:

10. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Thursday that he and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan largely agree on issues of border security, trade and beefing up the military. The one point they disagree on is Trump being president.

11. On Wednesday, Newt Gingrich said he would not rule out the possibility of being persuaded to serve as Donald Trump’s vice presidential running mate. And by ‘persuaded’ he means ‘asked.’

12. A woman in Virginia plans to celebrate her 100th birthday by pole dancing. That story again, a woman’s 100th birthday was very sparsely attended.

13. In an interview that aired Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden said, had he run, he would have been the ‘best president.’ Which, according to Biden, is just below President Obama, who was the ‘bestest president.’

14. A dating website is pledging to match Americans who can’t live with a Donald Trump presidency to Canadians looking for love. Which I’m pretty sure is how Heidi Cruz met Ted.

15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Monday he has chosen New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to lead his White House transition team as he prepares for the general election campaign. Which should make for a smooth transition unless there are any bridges to cross.

16. This week the National Labor Relations Board ruled that employers cannot force employees to be happy at work. Or, as it’s known at the Walgreens on my block, business as usual.

17. A new study has found the most common names for male criminals are Juan and Jeremy. Although I’m sure Donald Trump pronounces both names with a soft ‘J.’

18. A new report shows that Puerto Ricans are moving off the island in record numbers, with an average of 230 people leaving a day. “230 Hispanics leaving a day? What’s your secret?” said Trump.

19. San Antonio Spurs headcoach Greg Popovich said sometimes he leaves center Boris Diaw on the court during blowout wins so he can lose some weight. As opposed to the Knicks head coach who leaves his players on the court for public shaming purposes.

20. Presidential candidate Donald Trump has started outlining what he hopes to accomplish during his first 100 days in office. That seems pretty presumptuous for him to assume the country will still exist 100 days into his presidency.

April 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump missed his new grandson’s circumcision to campaign in Wisconsin. Which is good, because it means there was only one dick who needed a little off the top in the room.

2. According to court records U.S. women’s national team legend Abby Wambach has admitted using cocaine and marijuana while a member of the USWNT. Shit, you’d do drugs too if you were forced to watch soccer all day.

3. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump has canceled a planned news conference in California on Friday to keep campaigning in New York. California hasn’t been this grateful to New York since the Dodgers moved.

4. A dachshund that garnered internet attention for being extremely obese, has lost 38 pounds, or half its body weight, in the past 8 months. Not surprisingly, after the weight loss, most black labs have lost all interest in the slimmer pooch.

5. A dachshund appropriately named “Fat Vincent,” has lost 38 pounds, or half its body weight, in just 8 months. Veterinarians are calling it nothing short of a miracle, while hungry Chinese people are calling it a shame.

6. On Thursday, it embarrassingly took presidential candidate Hillary Clinton several tries to past a turnstile and get into the New York City subway. “Serves her right for trying to hoard in on my fundraising strategy,” said Bernie Sanders:
subway dancer

7. There is a new trend of people sending photos of their genitalia to their doctors. And there is also a new trend of doctors saying their phones can’t zoom in that much.

8. On Thursday, FBI Director James Comey said the Bureau’s secret method for unlocking the iPhone 5c used by one of the San Bernardino shooters will not work on newer models. So you hear that terrorists, get newer iPhones.

9. A rare, pear-shaped, vivid pink diamond will go under the hammer in Geneva next month, where auctioneers expect it to fetch up to $38 million. “If you like pear-shaped and pink, then I’m your man,” said Mario Batali.

10. On Tuesday, The Wall Street Journal reported that Amazon is set to release a new Kindle with a rechargeable protective case for a better battery life. And, with a longer battery life, you’ll be able to take your Kindle more places and explain to people why you don’t own an iPad.

11. On Tuesday, NBA superstar LeBron James topped the Power 100 list of the world’s most marketable athlete. While A-Rod has heard of the list.

12. Comedian Bill Cosby won the right on Monday to delay providing evidence, including DNA, in a lawsuit in Massachusetts. Which is surprising because Cosby has never been shy about supplying a DNA sample, whether requested or not.

13. The wooden dining chair that author J.K. Rowling sat in while she wrote the “Harry Potter” books is going up for auction in New York. Not to be outdone, also up for auction is the sofa Ben Affleck napped on while Matt Damon wrote “Good Will Hunting.

14. A dentist office in Illinois is using a golden retriever named JoJo as a dental assistant. Because who’s a better advocate for flossing regularly than someone who eats their own poop.

15. This week, Walmart pulled a University of Maryland t-shirt that it was selling because mistakenly bore the shape of the state of Massachusetts. Although, if there’s one thing Walmart customers shouldn’t be critical of, it’s the shape things are in.

16. According to reports, Alaska Airlines is nearing a deal to acquire Virgin America for more than $2 billion. But they should be careful because the last time an Alaskan thought they had a virgin the country got introduced to Levi Johnston.

March 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, the Chicago Tribune endorsed Senator Marco Rubio in the 2016 Republican presidential race. That story again, a dying medium endorsed a dying small.

2. A Texas law previously struck down requiring voters to show authorized identification before casting ballots will be re-examined by the a Court of Appeals. The main issue up for debate is whether a gun with your name carved into it counts as an authorized form of identification in Texas.

3. According to a new study, transplanting a kidney that is not a match may lower the risk of death more than not doing a transplant at all. You can read all about it in this month’s Medical Journal of Here Goes Nothing.

4. A 24-year-old Colombian woman was arrested at Frankfurt airport on Wednesday after she was found to be carrying over two pounds of cocaine inside her breasts. Authorities became suspicious when her baby starting snorting breastmilk.

5. The first story of J.K. Rowling’s “History of Magic in North America” has angered some Native Americans, accusing the author of lumping all Native Americans into one group. “How do you think we feel?” said Hufflepuff.

6. On Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio said it was a mistake to personally attack Donald Trump, saying, “my kids were embarrassed by it.” Adding, “The next day, I couldn’t look them in the eyes, and it was hard to avoid because we’re at the same eye level.”

7. A town in Maine spends hundreds of dollars a year to replace the street sign for a road named “Katie Crotch” that continuously gets stolen. Authorities say everyone’s a suspect, except for Tom Cruise, because no amount of couch-jumping can convince them he ever had any interest in Katie’s crotch.

8. The director of the Google’s self-driving car project will testify before Congress next week on efforts to develop safe and effective autonomous cars. Because if anyone knows about being asleep at the wheel, it’s Congress.

9. Donald Trump on Tuesday said comparisons of his practice of asking supporters to raise their right hand and vow to vote for him to Adolf Hitler’s Nazi salute is “ridiculous.” Adding, “I’ve always viewed myself as more of a Mussolini.”

10. This week, scientists in Singapore introduced “Nadine,” a humanoid robot, who can think, feel and even recognize people. The addition of making the robot feel human emotions was an upgrade from their previous model “Mitt.”

February 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sunday night the Denver Broncos won the Superbowl and, on the sidelines right after the game, Papa John gave winning quarterback Peyton Manning a kiss. Which, I guess, explains why we’ve never met Mama John.

2. Last night, the concession stands at Superbowl 50 were selling beers for $13 and bottled water for $7. But, considering the game was played in California, $7 for water seems like a pretty good deal.

3. At least two women have been kicked off of Tinder after using the mobile dating app to campaign for Bernie Sanders. Which is unfair, since most people who use the app end up feeling the burn, especially when they’re peeing.

4. During Saturday night’s Republican presidential debate, Donald Trump shh-ed Jeb Bush. But, in Trump’s defense, he just didn’t want Jeb to wake Ben Carson.

5. Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. She revealed this information when asked by a Verizon sales rep why she needed to change her phone number.

6. A California company has created a marijuana-based vaginal suppository to help women suffering from menstrual cramps. So now you’ll no longer have to hot-box it.

7. A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting 130 pencils into his mouth. And, although the pencils did not start out that way, they eventually became number 2s.

8. The Turkish army has confiscated over 700 parrots trying to be smuggling into the country from war-torn Syria. Immigration officials became suspicious when every question they asked was repeated back to them.

9. Fifteen cars parked on an iced-over Geneva Lake in the Wisconsin for a Winterfest celebration on Saturday, fell into the frigid waters after the ice broke. Marking the first time anyone has ever looked ‘cool’ in a Kia Sorento.

10. According to a new poll of Harry Potter fans, the most popular spell used in the series is the Expecto Patronum spell, which protects the speaker from the dark arts. If spoken, the spell will also protect the speaker from having sex until they’re 38.