April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

February 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday night, news anchor Scott Pelley started “The CBS Evening News” by saying President Trump “is divorced from reality.” So add ‘reality’ to the long list of things Melania is jealous of.

2. Yesterday, Bob Costas announced that he is ending his 24-year runs NBC’s Olympic host, with Mike Tirico taking over the anchor seat at next year’s Winter Games in South Korea. Word or advice Mike, maybe wipe down that chair first:
costas

3. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he’s only sleeping four to five hours a night. Luckily, he’s able to catch a quick nap every day during his intel briefings.

4. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he’s only sleeping four to five hours a night. Because after four to five hours the bed tends to get too soggy.

5. A new study found that people with older phones were 56 percent less likely to get a date. So if you have a new iPhone 7 and still can’t get a date, you ugly.

6. WeBot, is a new Facebook bot that allows users to find protests near them. “No need,” said Trump looking out the White House front door.

7. Domino’s has created its own wedding registry that lets pizza-loving couples stock their wedding wish list with Domino’s menu items. Which is great news for this happy couple:
peyton

8. According to sources, in his first call as president with Russian leader Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump denounced a treaty that caps U.S. and Russian deployment of nuclear warheads as a bad deal for the United States. That story again, we’re all gonna die.

9. According to a new poll, one-third of Americans don’t know that Obamacare and the Affordable Care Act are the same thing. And, if they’re shocked by that, wait till they hear who’s president now!

10. Carey McWilliams of North Dakota has become the first totally blind person in the country to acquire a concealed-carry permit. As a result, his seeing-eye-dog has made a few adjustments:
bullet-dog

11. A new study found that childhood cancer survivors are just as satisfied with their sex lives as people who didn’t have cancer. You can read more about that in this month’s medical journal of ‘Why Would You Even Think To Study That? Quarterly’

12. Bejing’s top official on transplants said on Tuesday that Beijing was “mending its ways” from a murky past when organs were taken from detained or executed prisoners. My brain thinks that’s a good idea while my donor kidney wants to murder him.

13. In a recent interview, actress and writer Lena Dunham said that she had to avoid shooting graphic sex scenes for this season of ‘Girls’ while intern Malia Obama was on set. That story again, this season of ‘Girls’ will be even more unwatchable than the previous ones.

14. A South Carolina woman claims she can control President Donald Trump through her bracelet. Because, I assume, her bracelet has Steve Bannon’s phone number on it.

15. President Donald Trump’s choice to lead the Labor Department, Andrew Puzder, admitted on Monday to employing an undocumented immigrant as a house cleaner. “That’s no way to treat a maid,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

16. According to reports, the U.S.’s bacon reserves have hit a 50 year low. That story again, you’re about to find out how gross dates taste on their own.

17. After previously saying he would have voted for Donald Trump in the presidential election, Kanye West has now deleted all of his tweets supportive of the new president. “Wait, you can delete these things?” asked Trump:
trump-tweet

18. The U.S. House of Representatives voted on Monday to require law enforcement authorities to obtain a search warrant before seeking old emails from technology companies. And, in related news, the Clinton Foundation is now a technology company.

19. Donald Trump’s personal physician said the president takes four pills every day. Adding, “Or is it one pill every four days? I don’t know, I’m not a good doctor.”:
trump-doctor

20. Disney fans have started an online petition asking that the Donald Trump figure set to be installed in the Hall of Presidents be a silent robot. Although, if Disney really wants to make it accurate the Trump robot will talk but only when the Steve Bannon robot hidden behind him tells him to.

March 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Netflix reached a $100 million deal with actor Will Smith for the rights to his next movie. Not to be outdone, D.J. Jazzy Jeff also reached a deal with Netflix where he pays $6.99 a month for two DVDs.

2. A man in New York City is dressing up as Donald Trump an letting passersby punch him for $5, trample him $10 or pee on him for $300. And, in related news, Jeb Bush is now broke.

3. A Florida jury on Friday awarded Hulk Hogan $115 million after finding the Gawker website violated his privacy by publishing a sex tape of the wrestler. The jury also awarded itself $50 million for emotional damage resulting from having to watch the tape as evidence.

4. Toby, a two-nosed dog from California, was adopted last week from the animal shelter that was ready to put him down. Thus allowing Toby to continue his lifelong goal of finding a dog with two asses.

5. On Friday, the Indianapolis Colts announced that they will build a Peyton Manning statue outside of their stadium. The statue will be accurate down to the very last detail, including Manning’s height, shoe size and forty-yard dash time.

6. A street artist has painted a giant mural on the side of a building in Australia depicting rapper Kanye West making out with another Kanye West. Even more disturbing, there’s a third Kanye West in the background just watching.

7. Last week, a Beverly Hills real estate agent was fired over extremely racist comments she posted on social media. Although, her bosses should have known something was amiss when she kept hosting “kinda-open houses.”

8. A daughter of an Illinois state representative has been charged with participating in an attack on one of her mother’s political rivals that included using a staple gun on the victim’s forehead. The last time staples were used on a politician, Chris Christie underwent elective surgery.

9. On Friday, employees at a convenience store in Canada called local police after finding approximately $600,000 worth of heroin left on the shelves of their store. Which explains why a known drug smuggler was caught coming across the Canadian border with $100 worth of beef jerky up his butt.

10. A Bronx middle school teacher has been fined $300 after showing her students an ISIS decapitation video in class. But, in the teacher’s defense. those kids were really well-behaved the rest of that day.

March 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, presidential candidate Ben Carson dropped out of the race saying, “I did the math. I looked at the delegate counts … and I realized it simply wasn’t going to happen.” Adding, “And then I waited three months.”

2. Over the weekend, rapper Flavor Flav delivered the weather report on a local news station in Utah. Unsurprisingly, the night’s top story was “Black man spotted in Utah.”

3. During a speech Saturday night, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he was not surprised that rival Ted Cruz won the Maine caucus since it is so close to Canada. So I guess he won’t be surprised when Marco Rubio wins Kansas since it’s the only way to get to Munchkin Land.

4. Senate minority leader Harry Reid said the Republican party created “a Frankenstein monster” in Donald Trump. Which explains why Trump has such a big head and such tiny little hands.

5. Last night Democratic presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton traded barbs during a debate in Flint, Michigan that became heated at times. Although, there were conciliatory moments, like when Hillary offered to pour a tall glass of tap water for Bernie.

6. At a rally on Saturday, Donald Trump asked his supporters in attendance to raise their right hand and vow to vote for him. And, to their credit, almost half of them knew which one was their right hand.

7. After a picture of a young mother breastfeeding at a Bernie Sanders rally appeared online, the hashtag #BoobsForBernie went viral. “I knew I backed the wrong candidate,” said Bill Clinton.

8. On Saturday night, Republican Ted Cruz won the Kansas caucus, garnering 48% of the vote. “Thank God, we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto,” said Dorothy.

9. Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has decided to retire from the NFL. Peyton wants to spend more time at home with Papa John’s family.

10. NASA estimates that during his year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly drank almost 200 gallons of water filtered from his own urine or sweat. Which is why, when he landed, he was immediately named CEO of Mountain Dew.

March 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, the IOC announced that a team comprised solely of refugees will compete in this year’s Summer Olympics. Donald Trump said he will use the refugees’ results in the pole vault to determine how tall to build the wall.

2. A wearable robotic limb that allows drummers to play their kit with three arms has been invented by researchers. The inventors got the idea for a third arm by watching a video of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, one specific video.

3. The Syrian government reported a nationwide power outage Thursday. Speaking as a Time Warner Cable customer, maybe those Syrian refugees and us aren’t that different after all.

4. Five New York women have filed suit against New York’s so-called “tampon tax,” which will levy a 4% “luxury tax” on feminine hygiene products. No word on whether New York citizen Donald Trump would also have to pay the tax since he is a huge douchebag.

5. An Ohio man who killed his roommate and ate part of his brain almost 40 years ago was denied parole for the sixth time. And no one was more disappointed by the decision than his current cellmate.

6. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ordered his country to be ready to use its nuclear weapons at any time in the face of growing threats from its enemies. Which is bad news for South Korea and even worst news for Jong Un’s barber.

7. Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio won his first ever primary on Super Tuesday in Minnesota. And you never forget your first, which is why it sucks when your first is Minnesota.

8. Yesterday, after a year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly touched down in Houston to discover he is now a full inch taller than his identical twin brother Mark Kelly. “Put me down for five years in space,” said Kevin Hart.

9. On Tuesday, Donald Trump Jr., the son of Donald Trump, appeared on a white supremacist radio talk show. Afterwhich, an apology was immediately issued reading, “Sorry we couldn’t book a better guest.”

10. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump recently said no one has done more for equality than he has. Which is true, because Trump called both Mexicans and Puerto Ricans “garbage people.”

11. On Tuesday, a spokesman for the Ivy League said the league’s football programs are considering banning tackling in practices due to health concerns. “Shit, why end there, we got rid of tackling during games,” said a spokesperson for the Cleveland Browns.

12. MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry is refusing to host her show this Saturday after consecutive weeks in which her show was replaced by general news programming. So if you were one of the loyal viewers of Harris-Perry’s program, hi people who fell asleep with their TV on.

13. In a recent interview, model Cheryl Tiegs said that she thinks fashion’s increasing acceptance of full-figured women sends a bad message, referencing a plus-size model’s appearance on the 2016 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover. If that’s the case, don’t let Tiegs see the cover of any O Magazine, ever.

14. On Friday, Gianni Infantino was elected the new president of FIFA, replacing previous president Sepp Blatter after a tumultuous year. It’s funny, because even though I know that, I keep writing ‘Sepp’ on all my bribery checks.

15. After being elected the new president of FIFA, Gianni Infantino said, “I want to look in the eyes of kids who are smiling because they have a ball to play with.” “Careful what you wish for,” said Jerry Sandusky.

16. On Saturday, “Fifty Shades of Grey” won the Razzie for worst film of the year. Which means, not even the Razzie judges watched “Pixels.”

17. Police in Amsterdam arrested a gang of drug dealers who used two fully-grown crocodiles to guard their money. An idea, that I’m sure when first was suggested, began and ended with the phrase, “Now, please pass the cocaine.”

18. According to a report, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is expected to announce his retirement from football this week. “Wait, I thought other people announced that for you,” said Tim Tebow.

19. The Supreme Court had a power outage during one of its cases on Tuesday. Said Chief Justice Roberts, “The lights are turned down, I’m wearing a robe, now let me see those briefs.”

20. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is trying to tie fellow-candidate Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. While Donald Trump is trying to tie Ted Cruz to a pair of cement shoes.

February 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sunday night the Denver Broncos won the Superbowl and, on the sidelines right after the game, Papa John gave winning quarterback Peyton Manning a kiss. Which, I guess, explains why we’ve never met Mama John.

2. Last night, the concession stands at Superbowl 50 were selling beers for $13 and bottled water for $7. But, considering the game was played in California, $7 for water seems like a pretty good deal.

3. At least two women have been kicked off of Tinder after using the mobile dating app to campaign for Bernie Sanders. Which is unfair, since most people who use the app end up feeling the burn, especially when they’re peeing.

4. During Saturday night’s Republican presidential debate, Donald Trump shh-ed Jeb Bush. But, in Trump’s defense, he just didn’t want Jeb to wake Ben Carson.

5. Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. She revealed this information when asked by a Verizon sales rep why she needed to change her phone number.

6. A California company has created a marijuana-based vaginal suppository to help women suffering from menstrual cramps. So now you’ll no longer have to hot-box it.

7. A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting 130 pencils into his mouth. And, although the pencils did not start out that way, they eventually became number 2s.

8. The Turkish army has confiscated over 700 parrots trying to be smuggling into the country from war-torn Syria. Immigration officials became suspicious when every question they asked was repeated back to them.

9. Fifteen cars parked on an iced-over Geneva Lake in the Wisconsin for a Winterfest celebration on Saturday, fell into the frigid waters after the ice broke. Marking the first time anyone has ever looked ‘cool’ in a Kia Sorento.

10. According to a new poll of Harry Potter fans, the most popular spell used in the series is the Expecto Patronum spell, which protects the speaker from the dark arts. If spoken, the spell will also protect the speaker from having sex until they’re 38.

February 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Portland International Airport announced plans to add a movie theater to its terminals. And, when that theater shows movies like “Pixels” and “Mordecai” the ushers will be sure to point out all the nearest exits beforehand.

2. During Monday night’s caucus in Iowa, Marco Rubio finished in a strong third place just 1% behind Donald Trump. Alas, Trump, much like a poorly placed bottle of water, was just out of Rubio’s reach.

3. This week divisive Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Which makes sense if you think about it, because Trump has united many people of different backgrounds and viewpoints who all share one common thing, their hatred of Donald Trump.

4. On Wednesday, Universal Pictures announced the release dates for the 9th and 10th installments of their “Fast and Furious” movie franchise, with the last one coming out in 2021. Which is convenient, because, by then, Vin Diesel will most likely be living in his car.

5. Yesterday, NFL officials announced that a year-long operation targeting counterfeit sporting goods resulted in the seizure of $39 million worth of fake merchandise. Officials became suspicious of the legitimacy of one seller’s goods after he tried to sell a 2015 “game-worn” Tim Tebow jersey.

6. Israel’s Tax Authority says it wants a cut off gratuities traditionally offered to moils who conduct circumcisions. Said authorities, “They’re taking a little too much off the top.”

7. Recently released documents show that former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer donated $50,000 to Martin O’Malley’s presidential campaign. What’s worse, he donated it by making it rain.

8. Recently released documents show that former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer donated $50,000 to Martin O’Malley’s presidential campaign. Which I think automatically becomes the most embarrassing thing Spitzer has ever been publicly outed having spent money on.

9. According to a new poll, 5% of Americans who plan to watch this weekend’s Superbowl will do so over the internet. Which means, due to buffering, Peyton Manning will somehow run even slower than normal.

10. Rick Santorum withdrew from the race for the Republican presidential nomination on Wednesday and said he would endorse Senator Marco Rubio and asked all his supporters to do so as well. So congratulations on your new vote, Marco.

11. A black Fiat that carried Pope Francis through Philadelphia during his visit to the United States last year was sold for $82,000 at an auction. The new owner said the first thing he’ll do is take off the “Honk If You’re Holy” bumpersticker.

12. According to a new poll, 64% of American respondents said they would cancel their travel to countries affected by the Zika virus. While the remaining 36%, I guess, live in Detroit.

13. Basketball player Kenny Sailors, who has been credited with inventing the modern-day jump shot, died at the age of 95 on Saturday. Sailors reportedly watched the Philadelphia 76ers attempt to replicate his invention and died of embarrassment.

January 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Atlanta Falcons running-back Tevin Coleman suffered a concussion after slipping in the shower. “That’s why I always advocated a buddy system in the team showers,” said Jerry Sandusky.

2. British astronaut Tim Peake, who is stationed on the International Space Station in orbit above Earth, attempted to call home, but accidentally dialed the wrong number. Even worse, especially for the person on the other end of the line, he called collect.

3. Last week, Harlem Globetrotter great Meadowlark Lemon died at the age of 83. As per his request, he will be cremated, his ashes put in a bucket, secretly switched with a buck of water and thrown onto a lucky fan sitting courtside.

4. A South African lion named Brutus who fathered three “miracle” cubs despite having had a vasectomy in his youth is going back to the vet to have the operation a second time. As a result, zookeepers have changed Brutus’s named to Kevin Federlion.

5. Last week, a Dutch court decided that a woman who won a $2.3 million lottery during a divorce has no obligation to share it with her ex-husband. Said the husband, “I meant reconcilable.”

6. Amidst growing unrest, Mayor Rahm Emanuel outlined new efforts to better train and equip Chicago police officers, which included doubling the number of tasers given to officers. And in future news, Chicago police officers mistake tasers for real guns, and shoot each other.

7. Just days after being charged with sexual assault, embattled comedian Bill Cosby tweeted out “Friends and fans, thank You.” Although, I’m not sure he needed to pluralize those words.

8. According to a new study, even though poor health is a known cause of unhappiness, and bad lifestyle choices often follow bad moods, misery alone probably won’t kill you. So great news, the living-hell that is your life, it’s gonna last a real long time.

9. Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning denied an Al-Jazeera report that he took human growth hormone, an illegal performance enhancing drug, saying he would never put anything harmful into his body. Although, not according to about a million Papa John’s commercials.

10. Al Jazeera says it had a second, “impeccably placed” source to back up the network’s recent assertion that human growth hormone shipments were provided to Peyton Manning’s home. That source, an anonymous man going by the alias “Bom Trady.”

January 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a recent Knicks game, a fan kissed a total stranger after her boyfriend refused to participate in the Kiss Cam. That’s crazy, there were three people at a Knicks game?

2. A Beverly Hills rare coin dealer purchased a 1792 American penny for nearly $2.6 million at auction. “Good to know that I’m not the only one whose overpaid for a Penny,” said Rob Reiner.

3. Donald Trump has sued Palm Beach County, Florida, accusing the airport of deliberately sending air traffic over his Mar-a-Lago mansion. Which is weird, because I just assumed from his hairstyle that he had no idea about anything that was going on over his head.

4. On Tuesday, Facebook said it will start issuing emergency alerts to its 140 million users when children go missing. It will serve as great notice to parents who haven’t looked up from their smartphone for the past four hours that their kid is missing.

5. The director of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention said on Tuesday that he was “confident” he could reach his goal of getting the West Africa Ebola outbreak down to zero cases. “Funny, that’s my goal, too,” said Ebola.

6. “Transformers: Age of Extinction” led all movies with seven Razzie Award nominations yesterday, including worst picture, screenplay and director. Said director Michael Bay, “Joke’s on you, we didn’t have a screenplay.”

7. According to local Seattle officials, a black Labrador named Eclipse has been riding city buses without her owner to a local dog park for the past few weeks. Said Eclipse, “It’s not a big deal, my car is in the shop.”

8. It was announced yesterday that Woody Allen will write and direct an online series for Amazon. So now you won’t know if Allen is nervously stuttering or if your computer is buffering.

9. Congressional Republicans have invited former Tonight Show host Jay Leno and ex-British Prime Minister Tony Blair to speak at their annual retreat in Pennsylvania. Because, apparently, Republicans never tire of getting accused of living in the past.

10. After the Broncos lost to the Colts over the weekend, Denver quarterback Peyton Manning implied that he may retire after this season. Although, after watching his performance verse the Colts, he may have gotten an early start on that.

September 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A glitch in the new John Madden NFL video game has accidentally created a player that is only one foot tall. Said Madden representatives, “That player isn’t one foot tall, he’s normal size, everyone else is on steroids and HGH.”

2. Earlier this week, Denver Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker was suspended for four games for testing positive for the party drug Molly. While Welker’s quarterback Peyton Manning tested positive for Geritol.

3. Now that he has been suspended from the NFL for the entire season, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon has taken a job with the Sarchione Auto Group in Ohio. “I’ll take whichever car has the most trunk space,” said fellow-suspended-NFLer Aaron Hernandez.

4. James Richardson, the former spokesperson for the Republican Party, came out as gay yesterday. Said Richardson, “You try being around Ted Cruz all day, every day. That man will turn you.”

5. An deadly albino cobra was captured Thursday after it escaped from its owner into the well-to-do streets of the Los Angeles suburb of Thousand Oaks. The last time Thousand Oaks was this upset about a snake coming into its neighborhood was when Kobe “the Black Mamba” Bryant tried to move in.

6. Long-running ABC talk show “the View” finalized its cast Wednesday, confirming that actress Rosie Perez will join Nicolle Wallace, Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O’Donnell. In the past, it has been hard to understand what is being said when all the co-hosts talk at once, but now viewers will experience the same confusion just when Rosie Perez talks.

7. On Thursday, NBA commissioner Adam Silver said he believes expanded legalized sports betting in the U.S. is “inevitable,” and the league is open to participating in it. “I guess I was ahead of my time,” said Tim Donaghy.

8. An 18-year-old boy, identified only as D.F., is suing convicted sex offender Jerry Sandusky, claiming he was molested by the former football coach several times six years ago. Said Sandusky, “I used to love it when they piled on, but not like this.”

9. The Walt Disney Company is asking the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to refuse a trademark by electronic music star Deadmau5, who wears a LED-light powered, big-eared mouse head during concerts. And yet, somehow, Will Smith has been able to work in Hollywood for the past 20 years undisturbed.

10. NASA says a newly discovered asteroid will pass “very close” to Earth on Sunday. It’s passing Earth on Sunday and you’re just now discovering it? Step up your game NASA.

11. In a 55-minute long video, al Qaeda announced that it will launch a new branch in India. Said al Qaeda, “You know, it’s really just a numbers game.”

12. Actress Scarlet Johansson gave birth to her first child, a baby girl, on Thursday. The baby was reportedly delivered via C-section, so now she really is ScarJo.

13. Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin outlined plans for a ceasefire in eastern Ukraine. Putin said he will stop bombing eastern Ukraine, but I think that’s only because he’s now referring to it as western Russia.

14. On Tuesday, conservative political commentator Glenn Beck used part of his radio show to declare that if Hillary Clinton decides to run in 2016 she will be the next president. Then Beck used the rest of his show to drink and cry into the microphone.

15. A new smartphone app helps blind people navigate public transit in the Seattle area. Or, for free, you can get a really long stick.

16. Venezuela has lashed out at “Legends,” a U.S. TV show, for an episode that mentions Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro in connection with the buying of chemical weapons to quell unrest at home. Said Venezuela, “Don’t give him any ideas.”

17. On Friday, the first ever Denny’s restaurant in Manhattan opened its doors. Said Manhattanites, “Finally, I’m able to experience all the ambiance of a high calorie, greasy diner filled with seamy locals who have given up on their dreams without having to go all the way to New Jersey.”

18. On Friday, the frontrunner in the Texas race for Governor, Republican Greg Abbott, pulled out of the only statewide televised debate. But, judging from past results, it doesn’t look like Texas voters put much stock in a candidate’s debating-abilities anyway.

19. A moratorium on U.S. adult sex film productions were lifted on Friday just 24 hours after a performer’s initial HIV test results proved to be a false positive. Which is ironic because failing tests is how most performers ended up in this business to begin with.

20. A new study shows mothers who give birth in areas with higher concentrations of African-Americans are less likely to be educated on breastfeeding in maternity wards than mothers in other communities. The most common misconception, where chocolate milk comes from.