March 31, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An 11-year-old girl from Texas landed a multi-million deal with Whole Foods for the supermarket chain to sell her homemade lemonade. Unfortunately, even with the deal, she will be unable to turn a profit because she buys her lemons from Whole Foods.

2. The Library of Congress will no longer use the words “illegal” and “alien” to describe undocumented immigrants after Dartmouth College students petitioned for the change. Although the Library of Congress will continue to use the words ‘whiny’ and ‘pretentious’ to describe Dartmouth students.

3. Videos emerged this week of an unidentified object apparently colliding with the planet Jupiter. Scientists have theorized that it may have been an asteroid, a shooting star or an alien spacecraft driven by an alien Billy Joel.

4. According to a new poll, nearly two-thirds of Americans believe torture can be justified to extract information from suspected terrorists. Luckily there are ways of convincing the other third.

5. A 59-year-old Florida man is suing William Shatner for $170 million dollars claiming that the actor is his father. And he may have a case, because during the press conference, the man took a painfully long time to get through most sentences.

6. A U.S. Border Patrol agents’ union, which says it represents 16,500 agents, is endorsing Donald Trump for president. They know he wants to replace them with a wall right?

7. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said on Wednesday that women who end pregnancies should face punishment if the U.S. bans abortion, triggering a torrent of criticism from both sides of the abortion debate. Trump then clarified his position saying he believes all women, regardless of whether they are pregnant or not, should be punished.

8. Los Angeles Lakers rookie point guard D’Angelo Russell admitted he felt “sick” during a public apology he issued on Wednesday for secretly filming team mate Nick Young talking about sleeping with women other than his fiancé. So now he has something in common with fans who were forced to watch the Lakers this season.

9. On Monday night, Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera was voted off “Dancing with the Stars.” So at least America got that vote right.

10. NBC says it has sold $1 billion in national ads for the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. And, surprisingly, only half of them feature Flo from Progressive.

March 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. While Bernie Sanders was giving a speech at a recent campaign rally a bird landed on the podium he was standing behind. So apparently 74-year-old Bernie has the endorsement of both Mother Nature and Father Time.

2. In a recent interview, lesbian singer-songwriter Melissa Etheridge said that in 1990 her and her then-partner Julie Cypher settled on David Crosby as their sperm donor after also considering their good friend Brad Pitt. She choose David Crosby over Brad Pitt, so yeah, she’s a lesbian alright.

3. On Tuesday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker endorsed Ted Cruz for president. Walker’s exact words were, “I guess.”

4. This week, two strangers in China got married and then divorce within 48 hours as a piece of performance art to stir up debate about the meaning of the institution of marriage. So maybe Larry King is our generation’s greatest artist.

5. Senator Mark Kirk of Illinois on Tuesday accused many of his fellow Senate Republicans of being “closed-minded” by refusing to consider President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland. But, on the plus-side Senate Republicans, at least someone thinks you have a mind to begin with.

6. This week, professional pole dancer Jill MacLean, who danced just one week before her due date, announced that she gave birth to a “happy and healthy” baby boy. Although it seems very premature to label that boy ‘healthy.’

7. According to a new study, selecting online dating profile pictures where you exhibit proper posture nearly doubles the odds of success when compared to those with pictures where they are hunched over. “So you don’t want to come up to see the bell?” said Quasimodo.

8. After his campaign manager was arrested on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump vowed to stand by him saying, “I just can’t stand by and watch a man’s life be destroyed.” “This seems like a new policy,” said Jeb Bush.

9. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump, daughter of the Republican front-runner Donald Trump, announced that she had given birth to a baby boy. So technically the baby will be able to say he remembers a time before President Trump ruined America.

10. Last week, after being given incorrect directions on Google Maps, a demolition crew demolished the wrong house in Texas. But, when you think about it, is there really a right house in Texas?

March 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to researchers, something about Republican front-runner Donald Trump, his face, voice or message, generates “increased brain activity” amongst viewers. “Oh, is that what that new feeling is?” said Trump supporters.

2. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump, daughter of the Republican front-runner Donald Trump, announced that she had given birth to a baby boy. The baby has his father’s eyes, his mother’s nose and his grandfather’s understanding of foreign policy.

3. Mexican immigrant Efrain Delgado-Rosales was sentenced last week to five years in a Texas prison after being caught illegally crossing the border for the 24th time. Which has got to be the best example I’ve ever heard of be careful what you wish for.

4. According to a new study, women who maintain an overall healthy diet may benefit from a slightly reduced risk of hip fractures later in life. “Not if I have anything to say about it,” said your grandmother’s new boyfriend.

5. Former Kansas City Chiefs and Minnesota Vikings safety Husain Abdullah announced his retirement on Monday, citing the five concussions he incurred in his seven-year National Football League career. And, he may have a point, because he played for five years and his name is actually Dwight Smith.

6. The Kremlin said on Monday that Russian President Vladimir Putin could meet British singer Elton John when he visits Russia in May if room can be found in the two men’s schedules. Or, if they match on Grindr.

7. On Friday, the Philadelphia Phillies signed their manager Pete Mackanin to a two-year extension. Although, it could be knocked down to one year with good behavior.

8. Last week, rapper Iggy Azalea revealed that before she was allowed to collaborate with singer Britney Spears, Spears’ security team searched Azalea’s house to make sure it was drug free. And I’m pretty sure I know where Azalea hid the drugs:
iggy

9. Researchers have found that children as young as seven are sexting. Said the researchers, “It’s really not important how we found out this information.”

10. Pop singer Miley Cyrus will be a judge on NBC’s “The Voice” next season. So, when she turns her chair around, for once in her life, she’ll think the room is spinning and be right.

March 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, before a spring training game in Arizona, two live bear cubs visited the Chicago Cubs’ clubhouse. Not to be outdone, Queen Elizabeth went 3 for 4 with a RBI for the Royals:
royals

2. The home of former New England Patriots star tight end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez is on the market for $1.5 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d be taken out back and shot.

3. A Georgia teacher has resigned after surveillance video appears to show her knocking a special needs student to the floor in a school hallway. But, in the teacher’s defense, it’s gotta be pretty hard to tell the difference between the special needs and regular students in Georgia.

4. According to a new report, kids have brought more than 185 guns into American schools since the start of this academic year. But, to be fair, most of them were brought in for Show and Don’t You Fucking Tell Anybody.

5. A Texas house that is decorated with thousands of beer cans its owner consumed over the past twenty years is for sale. It’s a two bedroom, two bath, but, when you drink that much beer, every room becomes a bathroom.

6. A group of swingers in England will hold a mass orgy at a local resort to help raise cash for a cancer charity. Although most of the money raised will go towards hosing down the resort afterwards.

7. More than 23,000 people have signed a petition to allow firearms inside the Republican National Convention being held in Cleveland in July. What could go right?

8. On Friday, the Rolling Stones became the first major international rock band to play in Cuba, drawing hundreds of thousands of people to a free concert at a decrepit sports complex. Although, compared to the band, the sports complex looked brand new.

9. A former-single mother in Australia has married the sperm donor that contributed to the conception of her child. Which should make for a very confusing ‘birds and bees’ talk when that kid gets older.

10. Authorities in China’s capital will extend leave from work for new mothers and fathers, state media reported on Friday, to encourage families to have more children. Of course, once the six month leave is up the mother, father and child must go back to work.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A new matchmaking services called Smell Dating has opened in New York which allows single people to pick out their perfect match by smelling the dirty T-shirts of potential dates. Which seems like a terrible idea because I’ve lived in New York City for ten years and never once thought, “Oh, that’s an interesting smell, I’d like to know more about it.”

2. Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’ll retire once his current contract with the New York Yankees expires after the 2017 MLB season. After which he’ll undoubtedly spend more time at home with his loved ones:

arod

3. On Monday, Apple revealed a new, smaller iPhone. But, to be fair, it still looks huge in Donald Trump’s tiny hands.

4. Carnival Cruise Lines announced Monday that Cuban authorities will allow it to operate cruises to and from the country starting in May. Said Cubans, “We don’t want to get off this island that badly.”

5. Researchers in Australia have developed a new nanotechnology that allows clothes to clean themselves in the sun. Yet, when I do that to myself, I’m “scaring the neighbor’s kids.”

6. According to research, by eating less meat and more fruit and vegetables, the world could avoid several million deaths per year by 2050, cut planet-warming emissions substantially, and save billions of dollars annually in healthcare costs and climate damage. But, on the other hand, bacon.

7. Last week, Netflix reached a $100 million deal with actor Will Smith for the rights to his next movie. Not to be outdone, D.J. Jazzy Jeff also reached a deal with Netflix where he pays $6.99 a month for two DVDs.

8. A man in New York City is dressing up as Donald Trump an letting passersby punch him for $5, trample him $10 or pee on him for $300. And, in related news, Jeb Bush is now broke.

9. A street artist has painted a giant mural on the side of a building in Australia depicting rapper Kanye West making out with another Kanye West. Even more disturbing, there’s a third Kanye West in the background just watching.

10. Last week, a Beverly Hills real estate agent was fired over extremely racist comments she posted on social media. Although, her bosses should have known something was amiss when she kept hosting “kinda-open houses.”

March 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Microsoft’s so-called chatbot that uses artificial intelligence to engage with millennials on Twitter, lasted less than a day before it was hobbled by a barrage of racist and sexist comments by Twitter users that it parroted back to them. Microsoft decided to shut down chatbot as opposed to its other option, have it run for president.

2. A rapper associated with the Wu Tang Clan has sued TMZ for incorrectly reporting two years ago that he severed his own penis and jumped out of a second-floor window. Said the rapper, “It was a third-floor window.”

3. A man was arrested in North Carolina on Thursday for renting a VHS tape of the movie “Freddie Got Fingered” fourteen years ago and never returning it. But, in the man’s defense, after watching the film he just assumed the store didn’t want it back.

4. A man was arrested in North Carolina on Thursday for renting a VHS tape of the movie “Freddie Got Fingered” fourteen years ago and never returning it. Ironically, now that he’s in jail, the man will soon have something in common with Freddie.

5. A new matchmaking services called Smell Dating has opened in New York which allows single people to pick out their perfect match by smelling the dirty T-shirts of potential dates. Which seems like a terrible idea because I’ve lived in New York City for ten years and never once thought, “Oh, that’s an interesting smell, I’d like to know more about it.”

6. Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’ll retire once his current contract with the New York Yankees expires after the 2017 MLB season. Which means, in just two short years, there will be some young Yankees fans who never got the opportunity to shout at A-Rod that he’s gay.

7. A professional marks-woman on YouTube has posted an Easter-themed video where she tests a bulletproof vest made out of Peeps. That story again, a slightly-used, non-bulletproof vest made out of Peeps and a bunch of guns are now for sale.

8. According to reports, Yankee great Derek Jeter has herpes. Which is just further proof that you should always wear a helmet when rounding the bases and heading for home.

9. A young lady in Britain who dresses up as Elsa from the Disney movie “Frozen” for children’s birthday parties also works as a call-girl at night. So god I hope that’s cupcake frosting on her dress.

10. A young lady in Britain who dresses up as Elsa from the Disney movie “Frozen” for children’s birthday parties also works as a call-girl at night. Said the birthday girl’s father, “On second thought, you don’t look familiar.”

11. According to a new survey, lots of ordinary people are into sex with a dash of voyeurism, fetishism and masochism, all habits classified as deviant in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Or, as it is known to those who took the survey, the Big Book of Ideas.

12. On Thursday, Piotr Lobodzinski of Poland won the Eiffel Tower race, running up the 1,665 steps of the Paris landmark in just 7 minutes and 48 seconds. And leave it up to a Polish guy to not realize there’s a elevator.

13. Last week, Madonna showed up over two hours late to her concert in Australia and then brought a 17-year-old fan on stage and pulled down the girl’s top to reveal one of her breasts. And you thought your grandmother was embarrassing.

March 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new dating app named “Sizzl” that allows single people who love bacon to meet. So it’s basically the exact opposite of J-Date.

2. Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’ll retire once his current contract with the New York Yankees expires after the 2017 MLB season. After which he’ll undoubtedly spend more time at home with his loved ones:
arod

3. A professional marks-woman on YouTube has posted an Easter-themed video where she tests a bulletproof vest made out of Peeps. So, yeah, Jesus is probably not coming back this year either.

4. To celebrate actress Reese Witherspoon’s 40th birthday, comedian and friend Chelsea Handler stripped down to her birthday suit. Then everyone at the party immediately blew out the candles so there was less light in the room.

5. On Wednesday, artist Tracey Emin announced that she is marrying a rock. “I give it 3 million years,” said a geologist.

6. Alabama lawmakers are considering a bill that would require teachers to undergo training on not having sex with their students. Said teachers in Alabama, “But what if we’re related?”

7. Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ted Cruz turned to Twitter to defend their wives’ honor after a Super PAC put out an ad featuring Trump’s wife nude and Trump threatened to “spill the beans” on Cruz’s wife. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the old days when the political discourse was more civil and Trump was just talking about the size of his dick.

8. On Tuesday, U.S. District Judge Fernando Olguin dismissed former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s lawsuit accusing the National Basketball Association of antitrust violations for forcing him to sell the franchise in 2014. Said Sterling, “I knew I was screwed when the bailiff said ‘All rise for Judge Fernando.’”

9. Yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he is hoping to play a regular season game in China sometime in the next few years. Thus giving the Browns the chance to get one step closer to their goal of losing a game on every continent.

10. The Rolling Stones have taken to YouTube to welcome Cubans to their free concert on Friday, although few are likely to see the video since most people on the state-controlled island don’t have internet access. Although, to be fair, most Rolling Stone fans don’t know how to access the internet anyway.

March 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, President Obama made an historic trip to the island Cuba. Obama called the communist country “still out of step with modern society,” while Bernie Sanders called it “perfect.”

2. On Monday, Apple revealed a new, smaller iPhone. But, to be fair, it still looks huge in Donald Trump’s tiny hands.

3. On Monday, NBA superstar LeBron James unfollowed the Cavaliers official Twitter account stirring up speculation that he is unhappy in Cleveland. “Yeah, join the club,” said everyone else in Cleveland.

4. Yesterday, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who does not have a law degree, signed a deal with a production company to star a judge in a reality court show. Palin went from a vastly under-qualified politician to a reality star, or, as it’s more commonly known, the reverse-Trump.

5. Carnival Cruise Lines announced Monday that Cuban authorities will allow it to operate cruises to and from the country starting in May. Said Cubans, “We don’t want to get off this island that badly.”

6. One year after it was introduced, Apple dropped the price of its Apple Watch this month to $299. “Still no,” said consumers.

7. According to a report, more than 800,000 Americans have regained their right to vote after multiple states have eased restrictions on felons casting ballots over the past few years. Which explains why yesterday Ted Cruz got a face tattoo.

8. Researchers in Australia have developed a new nanotechnology that allows clothes to clean themselves in the sun. Yet, when I do that to myself, I’m “scaring the neighbor’s kids.”

9. Police in Alabama discovered a man transporting two pounds of marijuana in a what he claimed to be “an anniversary gift.” Authorities became suspicious when a man carrying that much weed claimed to remember his anniversary.

10. According to a new study, one out of every twelve people would rather break an arm than do their taxes. “I only wish I had more than two arms to break,” said Wesley Snipes.

March 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the hashtag #LoveTwitter was treading because it was Twitter’s tenth birthday. Although you gotta be careful with that because the last time someone proclaimed their love for something that was ten years old he lost his sponsorship deal with Subway.

2. The Supreme Court threw out a lawsuit filed by the state governments of Nebraska and Oklahoma against Colorado over a law that allows the recreational use of marijuana in that state. Colorado’s legal brief simply read, “Dude, be cool.”

3. Presidential candidate John Kasich called on Monday for “active steps” to strengthen ties between the U.S. and Israel. Said Israel, “You could call more. What are you so busy?”

4. According to research, by eating less meat and more fruit and vegetables, the world could avoid several million deaths per year by 2050, cut planet-warming emissions substantially, and save billions of dollars annually in healthcare costs and climate damage. But, on the other hand, bacon.

5. According to a recent study, the proportion of older Americans taking at least five medications has risen in the last year. Even more alarming, now thanks to the medication, statistics aren’t the only thing rising with these old people.

6. Yesterday, “Top Chef” winner Paul Qui has been charged with misdemeanor assault in connection with domestic violence. Unsurprisingly, today Qui’s girlfriend asked him to “pack his things and go.”

7. A Michigan woman pleaded guilty on Monday to a scheme in which she and her husband used their medical cadaver business to sell body parts infected with diseases like HIV and Hepatitis B. They sold the tainted cadavers to unwitting medical students and one very unlucky necrophiliac.

8. On Monday, a mall Easter bunny in New Jersey got into a fight with a customer waiting in line with his kid to have photos taken. Said the mall Easter bunny, “I stand corrected, this is rock bottom.”

9. A teenager applying for a job at a New Orleans Popeye’s restaurant helped stop a robbery during his interview. Unfortunately the teen was injured and, even worse, he hadn’t filled out his emergency contact information yet.

10. Top daily fantasy sports companies FanDuel and DraftKings agreed to halt their business in New York on Monday. Luckily, New York Knicks fans are used to sports stopping around March.

March 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Netflix reached a $100 million deal with actor Will Smith for the rights to his next movie. Not to be outdone, D.J. Jazzy Jeff also reached a deal with Netflix where he pays $6.99 a month for two DVDs.

2. A man in New York City is dressing up as Donald Trump an letting passersby punch him for $5, trample him $10 or pee on him for $300. And, in related news, Jeb Bush is now broke.

3. A Florida jury on Friday awarded Hulk Hogan $115 million after finding the Gawker website violated his privacy by publishing a sex tape of the wrestler. The jury also awarded itself $50 million for emotional damage resulting from having to watch the tape as evidence.

4. Toby, a two-nosed dog from California, was adopted last week from the animal shelter that was ready to put him down. Thus allowing Toby to continue his lifelong goal of finding a dog with two asses.

5. On Friday, the Indianapolis Colts announced that they will build a Peyton Manning statue outside of their stadium. The statue will be accurate down to the very last detail, including Manning’s height, shoe size and forty-yard dash time.

6. A street artist has painted a giant mural on the side of a building in Australia depicting rapper Kanye West making out with another Kanye West. Even more disturbing, there’s a third Kanye West in the background just watching.

7. Last week, a Beverly Hills real estate agent was fired over extremely racist comments she posted on social media. Although, her bosses should have known something was amiss when she kept hosting “kinda-open houses.”

8. A daughter of an Illinois state representative has been charged with participating in an attack on one of her mother’s political rivals that included using a staple gun on the victim’s forehead. The last time staples were used on a politician, Chris Christie underwent elective surgery.

9. On Friday, employees at a convenience store in Canada called local police after finding approximately $600,000 worth of heroin left on the shelves of their store. Which explains why a known drug smuggler was caught coming across the Canadian border with $100 worth of beef jerky up his butt.

10. A Bronx middle school teacher has been fined $300 after showing her students an ISIS decapitation video in class. But, in the teacher’s defense. those kids were really well-behaved the rest of that day.