10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. On Thursday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Leo asked the Pope for salvation while the Pope asked Leo for his “Wolf of Wall Street” co-star Margot Robbie’s home phone number.

2. Singer Jennifer Lopez accidentally split her pants during a performance in Las Vegas this week. Which explains why more people than normal were yelling “Jackpot!”

3. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” The new flavor will be made with whole milk because Bernie doesn’t like the 1%.

4. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld announced that he will be selling ten percent of his car collection at an upcoming auction. Michael Richards vowed to do the same until he was informed that it’s impossible to sell 1/10th of a 1997 Chevy Malibu.

5. According to a new study, zebras stripes are not used for camouflage. “Shhh, don’t tell them,” said lions.

6. Eight museum employees will be charged with negligence after a botched reattachment of the beard on King Tutankhamun’s mask. King Tut’s beard is very identifiable and known all around the world, much like Abraham Lincoln’s infamous chin-strap and Kelly Preston.

7. A 92-year-old World War II vet plans on traveling to Australia to reunite with his war-time girlfriend. Said the man’s angry wife, “Is that what you meant by ‘spending a lot of time in the fox hole’?”

8. On Friday, Donald Trump retweeted a neo-Nazi Twitter account. “My mistake, I don’t want to be associated with that kind of hatred,” said the neo-Nazi Twitter account.

9. ISIS is reportedly going through some financial troubles and, as a result, are cutting salaries of its members by 50%. So now it’s only 36 virgins.

10. Saudi’s grand mufti, the kingdom’s top cleric, said chess and similar games are “forbidden” in Islam because they’re a form of gambling. Which means Saudi Arabia is the only place in the world where the chess team is comprised solely of bad-boys and outlaws.

January 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, a doctor released a letter stating that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is in “overall very good health.” Asked about his political views, the doctor said he felt the Bern and then made the Bern cough.

2. Chipotle is being accused of gender discrimination. Said a spokesperson for Chipotle, “Hey, at least we’re getting better press.”

3. On Thursday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Leo asked the Pope for salvation while the Pope asked Leo for his “Wolf of Wall Street” co-star Margot Robbie’s home phone number.

4. A Brooklyn artist is planning an exhibition this weekend where she will sit naked on a toilet for ten hours in the middle of a gallery. So, turns out, the only difference between your dad and an artist is toilet placement.

5. The Bernie Sanders campaign is building its own independent system to report the Iowa caucus results because of concerns over how Microsoft’s technology will work. Sanders will go with a technology he is much more familiar with, an abacus.

6. On Thursday, Mattel announced three variations to their classic Barbie doll, introducing new tall, petite and curvy models. “Yeah, that still doesn’t solve my problem,” said a very flamboyant Ken.

7. Following Donald Trump’s decision to boycott the last Republican presidential debate, Ted Cruz said Trump is afraid of moderator Megyn Kelly because if she asks him tough questions his hair might stand on end. Begging the question, who keeps asking Bernie Sanders tough questions?

8. During Thursday’s Republican presidential debate, Marco Rubio called Donald Trump “the greatest show on earth.” Which is an apt comparison since, just like Barnum & Bailey, both are up to three rings.

9. On Wednesday, the Los Angeles Lakers unveiled plans to build a statue of Shaquille O’Neal outside of is arena. The statue will be so lifelike that it will even have the exact same free-throw shooting percentage as the real Shaq.

10. Washington Capitals hockey player Alex Ovechkin said he will skip this weekend’s NHL All Star Game due to a nagging lower-body injury. While most sports fans will skip the game due to a lack of interest.

11. On Tuesday, controversial retired baseball player John Rocker endorsed Donald Trump for president. Begging the question, who is that a bigger wake-up call for?

12. A Texas grand jury has indicted two anti-abortion activists in a case where they shot undercover videos at a Planned Parenthood. Said those activists, “it’s days like this, I wish I were never born.”

13. Saudi’s grand mufti, the kingdom’s top cleric, said chess and similar games are “forbidden” in Islam because they’re a form of gambling. Which is bad news for the new daily fantasy sports website, “Draft Ayatollahs.”

January 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said he generally believes in God. “I used to” said no-longer-front-runner Hillary Clinton.

2. Singer Jennifer Lopez accidentally split her pants during a performance in Las Vegas this week. Which explains why more people than normal were yelling “Jackpot!”

3. The Denver Broncos have decided to wear their white road uniforms for the Super Bowl. Which is pretty sound logic, because even if they don’t win the Lombardi Trophy, with all-white uniforms, they still have a good chance of taking home an Oscar.

4. Glenn Beck condemned Donald Trump on Monday, calling him “a very dangerous man.” Yet another reason to hate Donald Trump, he made me agree with Glenn Beck.

5. In New Hampshire, someone broke into Rand Paul’s campaign headquarters. That story again, someone broke into a New Hampshire Kinko’s.

6. Yesterday, Republican Ben Carson said the biggest threat to his presidential campaign is uneducated voters. Begging the question, who does he think is voting for him?

7. According to a new report, North Korea may be preparing to launch a long-range missile as soon as next week. “You said ‘long-range’ right?” said South Korea.

8. In a new interview, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said he believes generally in God, but not necessarily organized religion. Or, for that matter, organized hairdos.

9. Presidential hopeful Donald Trump withdrew on Tuesday from this week’s Republican debate out of anger at host Fox News. Fox News plans to replace Trump with a pumpkin in a suit holding a tape recorder full of Jeb Bush insults, you won’t even notice a difference.

10. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on Tuesday called for a revised plan to rescue Atlantic City from bankruptcy. The new plan, bet it all on black, baby.

January 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” The new flavor will be made with whole milk because Bernie doesn’t like the 1%.

2. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld announced that he will be selling ten percent of his car collection at an upcoming auction. Michael Richards vowed to do the same until he was informed that it’s impossible to sell 1/10th of a 1997 Chevy Malibu.

3. According to a new study, zebras stripes are not used for camouflage. “Shhh, don’t tell them,” said lions.

4. In a recent interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband Barack didn’t become serious about his education until his second year of college. Said former-President George W. Bush, “It’s pronounced ‘collage.’”

5. On Tuesday, Oprah Winfrey posted a message on Twitter saying she has already lost 26 pounds on Weight Watchers and looks forward to losing more unwanted, dead weight. “So, I should pack my bags?” said Stedman.

6. Yesterday, rapper B.o.B took to Twitter to insist that the world is flat. Proving that it’s not that difficult to rhyme words to a beat.

7. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he would like to appear in an episode of ‘Homeland.’ Bill Clinton panned the choice saying it proves he doesn’t have the decision-making ability it takes to be president since ‘Girls’ is still on the air.

8. According to the latest poll, Bernie Sanders is beating Hillary Clinton 47% to 46% in Iowa. Although, I’d be suspicious of those numbers since it means Martin O’Malley somehow has 7%.

9. University of Missouri quarterback Maty Mauk was suspended Monday as the school investigates a video of the QB allegedly snorting cocaine. Which explains why Mauk was always able to pull off a two-minute drill in well under a minute.

10. Authorities in California are looking for thieves who stole over 50 pounds of bull semen. And so is the bull, but for a very different reason.

January 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” It is expected to sell better than “Trumps Clumps.”

2. Prices at 137 Walmart stores set to close on January 28 have been slashed by 50%. Which means, at this point, Walmart will pay you to take Nickelback’s latest album off their hands.

3. Eight museum employees will be charged with negligence after a botched reattachment of the beard on King Tutankhamun’s mask. King Tut’s beard is very identifiable and known all around the world, much like Abraham Lincoln’s infamous chin-strap and Kelly Preston.

4. According to a new study, infants and preschoolers who gain weight rapidly may have higher-than-average high blood pressure later in childhood. Although, if their blood pressure is really high, there’s not gonna be a “later in childhood.”

5. An exhibit highlighting the fashion of Minnie Mouse has opened up in downtown Los Angeles. Of course, you’d have a lot more closet space, and thus options, if your husband didn’t own any pants too.

6. A 92-year-old World War II vet plans on traveling to Australia to reunite with his war-time girlfriend. Said the man’s angry wife, “Is that what you meant by ‘spending a lot of time in the fox hole’?”

7. According to experts, the mosquito-borne Zika virus, linked to brain damage in thousands of babies in Brazil, is likely to spread to the U.S. Although, by the looks of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” it may already be here.

8. In an interview published on Monday, President Obama said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has had the “luxury of being a complete long shot” so far in the race to be the Democratic presidential candidate. Which, I guess, means Martin O’Malley is a shoe-in.

9. Despite breaking his arm in Sunday’s NFC Championship game, Carolina Panthers All-Pro linebacker Thomas Davis said he will play in the SuperBowl. Meanwhile, I stubbed my toe yesterday and called in sick to work for the entire week.

10. To mark the Year of the Monkey, a Monkey School in South Korea put on performances by several of the trained animals. Finally answering age-old question, is there a South Korean equivalent to Arizona State University?

January 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, winter storm Jonas dropped over two feet of snow on New York City. After the blizzard, the city was so white it was nominated for an Oscar.

2. On Friday, Donald Trump retweeted a neo-Nazi Twitter account. “My mistake, I don’t want to be associated with that kind of hatred,” said the neo-Nazi Twitter account.

3. According to a new poll, nearly 10% of college graduates believe Judith Sheindlin, also known as Judge Judy, serves on the Supreme Court. But, on the plus-side, 10% of college graduates have heard of the Supreme Court.

4. ISIS is reportedly going through some financial troubles and, as a result, are cutting salaries of its members by 50%. So now it’s only 36 virgins.

5. Saudi’s grand mufti, the kingdom’s top cleric, said chess and similar games are “forbidden” in Islam because they’re a form of gambling. Which means Saudi Arabia is the only place in the world where the chess team is comprised solely of bad-boys and outlaws.

6. On Saturday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he “could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any votes.” Or, as it’s more commonly known, pulling a Cheney.

7. On Saturday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he “could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any votes.” And, in related news, Jeb Bush is now avoiding Fifth Avenue.

8. Sunday was National Compliment Day. That story again, yesterday was National Compliment Day, you fat sack of shit.

9. Music icon Cher said recently, “Donald Trump can’t come up with a hairstyle that looks human, how can he come up with a plan to defeat ISIS?” Which is weird, because with logic skills like that, you’d think that Trump would be the perfect candidate for her.

10. According to reports, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is seriously considering a third-party run for the presidency. Political experts are calling it the most expensive way to hear what Donald Trump really thinks about you.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. The number of tourists visiting New York City rose to a record high in 2015, with nearly 60 million people making the trip. To give you an idea of how many people that is, if those 60 million tourists got in a line and joined hands, you would definitely be caught walking behind them on the sidewalk.

2. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush misspoke this week at a campaign rally and called President Obama’s daughter Malala instead of Malia. But that wasn’t even the worst verbal flub, at the beginning of the rally he was introduced as “the next president of the United States, Jeb Bush.”

3. According to a new study, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more trash than fish. So, I guess, Long John Silvers was just ahead of its time.

4. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he has “a great relationship with God.” Which can only mean one thing, God’s got two to three years more until Trump finds a younger, hotter God to have a relationship with.

5. On Tuesday, France honored American actor Michael Keaton with a prestigious cultural award, giving him a medal for his contributions to the arts. Which can only mean on thing, “Herbie: Fully Loaded” hasn’t gotten to France yet.

6. A new study found that the most common name of geniuses are John and Mary. While the least common is whatever Snooki named her kid.

7. According to a new poll, a majority of Americans said Bill Clinton does not factor into their opinion of Hillary Clinton’s campaign for president, saying they don’t even the associate the two together. Which is terrible news for Hillary’s campaign chances, but great news for Bill’s chances on Spring Break.

8. The first question in Sunday night’s Democratic presidential debate was, if elected, what issues would you tackle in your first 100 days in office. Bernie Sanders said he would tackle income inequality, Hillary Clinton said she would focus on creating new jobs, while Martin O’Malley said he would try to get to the bottom of why pigs are now flying.

9. According to a new study, plant-based beverages like almond milk can’t be used to replace breast milk or baby formula and lead to an increase risk of scurvy in infants. But, on the plus-side, baby pirates.

10. Hall of Fame basketball player Magic Johnson was the first in line to buy season tickets for the newly moved Los Angeles Rams when season tickets went on sale yesterday. Well, actually, there were a few people in front of him, but he just coughed on them and they got out of the way.

January 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The number of tourists visiting New York City rose to a record high in 2015, with nearly 60 million people making the trip. To give you an idea of how many people that is, if those 60 million tourists got in a line and joined hands, you would definitely be caught walking behind them on the sidewalk.

2. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush misspoke this week at a campaign rally and called President Obama’s daughter Malala instead of Malia. But that wasn’t even the worst verbal flub, at the beginning of the rally he was introduced as “the next president of the United States, Jeb Bush.”

3. According to a new study, by 2050, the world’s oceans will contain more trash than fish. So, I guess, Long John Silvers was just ahead of its time.

4. Fast-food chain White Castle announced that they will be accepting dinner reservations for Valentine’s Day this year. Unsurprisingly, they are only accepting reservations for one.

5. Yesterday, the Miami Marlins announced that they will be moving the centerfield wall in their ballpark in by 11 feet. The move will allow for more empty seats.

6. This week, Senator Lindsey graham called Donald Trump the most unelectable Republican candidate he’s seen in his lifetime. “Oh, how soon we forget,” said Herman Cain.

7. Elena Pavel, a Romanian female professional soccer player claims that at referee asked her out on a date in the middle of a match. In response, Pavel said, just like in soccer, “I will never use my hands be on those balls.”

8. Forced to choose, Rand Paul said Donald Trump potentially becoming the Republican presidential nominee is more worrisome than Ted Cruz. Or, according to Ted Cruz, “Rand Paul endorsed me.”

9. “American Pie” singer Don McLean was arrested on domestic violence charges on Monday. So now McLean finally has a second hit.

10. An inquiry led by senior British judge Robert Owen found that President Vladimir Putin approved a 2006 operation to murder an ex-KGB agent with radioactive polonium. And, in future news, an inquiry found that President Vladimir Putin approved a plan to murder senior British judge Robert Owen.

11. Will Smith on Thursday joined director Spike Lee and his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith in not attending the 2016 Oscar ceremony in protest over the absence of nominated actors of color. And, as an extra fuck you to the movie industry, Smith also announced that he is making a “Wild Wild West 2.”

12. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said that Hillary Clinton has avoided prosecution so many times that she’s “more qualified for the Big House” than the White House. In response, Hillary turned her toothbrush into a shive and stabbed Fiorina.

13. A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York’s Times Square for men to masturbate in. Which explains why there was no phone in that phone booth and the floor was so sticky.

14. Former Maryland governor and current Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley is under investigation for buying furniture from the state executive mansion at sharply discounted prices when he left office. Talking about this potential scandal, political experts said, “Who is Martin O’Malley?”

15. In response to Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz usage of the phrase “New York values” as an insult, last Friday’s edition of the New York Daily News featured a picture of the Statue of Liberty giving Cruz the finger. Which, coincidentally is the same image Donald Trump wants all immigrants to see when they pull into New York harbor.

16. Donald Trump pitched himself Monday to Christian students at Liberty University as a politically incorrect protector of Christianity. Trump then stopped at Yeshiva University and labeled himself a mensch who is a little meshuggeneh.

17. According to a new study, when mothers eat three sizeable servings of fish each week during pregnancy it can benefit children’s brains for years to come. “Goldfish crackers count, right?” said Snooki’s mom.

18. Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, who helped Hollywood star Sean Penn conduct an interview with drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, has been called to give testimony about the kingpin. When asked for comment, del Castillo could not be found and neither could any of her friends or family.

January 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for president. Political experts called the endorsement “a major coup,” while John McCain called it, “the beginning of the end.”

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he has “a great relationship with God.” Which can only mean one thing, God’s got two to three years more until Trump finds a younger, hotter God to have a relationship with.

3. A homeless woman who gave birth on a cardboard box outside St. Peter’s Square early on Wednesday morning received an offer of one year’s hospitality in a Vatican institution. Which is better than the Church’s first offer, some mir.

4. Jeb Bush has released a new ad featuring mean things that Donald Trump has said on the campaign trail. The ad is just Jeb reading from his diary.

5. A woman in California is claiming that she found a severed fingertip in her Applebee’s salad. Which can only mean one thing, Jason Pierre Paul has been working as a part-time chef in a California Applebee’s.

6. The island of Mamula, which, during World War II was used as a concentration camp housing over 2,300 prisoners, is being turned into a luxury beach resort. “I’m not falling for that one again,” said Guantanamo Bay prisoners.

7. U.S. educators on Wednesday endorsed a Harvard University-developed proposal to reform college admissions by relying less on high-stakes tests, and more on teens demonstrating a passion for learning and long-term charity projects. Although, by the looks of our high school kids’ results on those high-stakes tests, they are long-term charity projects.

8. Nearly all of Detroit’s public schools were closed Wednesday after teachers called in sick, en masse, to protest poor school conditions. “Yeah, uh, that’s why they called in sick,” said Jim, the Phys Ed teacher who sleeps around and has Chlamydia.

9. According to a Forbes magazine poll released Wednesday, the New York Knicks are the NBA’s most valuable franchise, worth $3 billion. While, the 6-38 Philadelphia 76ers are worth $700 million, so, I’m guessing the poll had a plus-or-minus $700 million margin of error.

10. This week, University of Michigan football head coach Jim Harbaugh conducted a full-fledged sleepover at a recruit’s house to convince him to play ball at Michigan. Not to be outdone, Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer asked the recruit to go steady.

January 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump for president. An announcement that was met with enthusiastic applause by both Trump and Hillary supporters.

2. A new study found that families may be more satisfied with end-of-life care for loved ones dying of cancer when treatment is focused on comfort rather than aggressively fighting the disease. Especially when they didn’t like that family member to begin with.

3. The world of professional tennis was rocked on Monday by allegations that the game’s authorities have failed to deal with widespread match-fixing. “Oh, that sounds bad, focus on that,” said FIFA.

4. Major League Baseball said on Tuesday it has launched an investigation to see if Texas Rangers pitcher Yu Darvish has any connection to his brother’s illegal gambling ring. “You can’t hold someone responsible for the actions of his brother,” said Jeb Bush.

5. Major League Baseball has settled a lawsuit filed against it by fans unhappy about restrictions on watching their favorite teams play on TV. The case was complicated because fans of teams like the Yankees and the Athletics were unhappy that they couldn’t watch their teams, while Phillies fans wanted more restrictions.

6. Yesterday, the Cincinnati Reds announced that they will be inducting former-Red great Pete Rose into the team’s Hall of Fame on June 24. Rose said he was happy, but disappointed by the date because he had the over.

7. On Tuesday, France honored American actor Michael Keaton with a prestigious cultural award, giving him a medal for his contributions to the arts. Which can only mean on thing, “Herbie: Fully Loaded” hasn’t gotten to France yet.

8. A town in southwest Taiwan is building a church in the form of a giant high-heeled shoe, made of metal and blue glass. “I’m whatever religion that is,” said Quentin Tarantino.

9. It was reported this week that Khloe Kardashian will host a new talk show were she will drink cocktails with her guests. “Who needs cameras and guests,” said Lindsay Lohan.

10. A new world record for the biggest dog yoga class was attempted this weekend in Hong Kong. And I can’t think of a more pointless endeavor than dog yoga considering they’re already flexible enough to lick themselves.