Tag Archives: Mitt Romney

January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

November 4, 2019 – Monologues Jokes

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1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.” 

2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands: 

3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession. 

4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”

5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins. 

6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House. 

7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie. 

8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky. 

9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.

11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:

12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?

13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”

15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.

16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.

17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.

18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”

December 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, President Trump called for national voter I.D. laws and accused people of voting illegally, saying, “They go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again.” And, just like that, Melania has a new escape plan:

melania hat

2. According to a report, President Trump has two iPhones, one that he uses for calls and one that he uses for Twitter. And also a third phone on which he can call Grover:

trump phone

3. During the recent G20 Summit in Argentina, President Trump was caught on a hot mic saying “Get me out here.” Which I can only assumes means the room he wanted to leave contained either a book, a treadmill or Eric. 

4. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. And, in related news, the people in that lady’s will have asked Taco Bell to change their slogan from ‘Live Mas’ to “You Had a Good Run.” 

5. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. She said she wanted to celebrate in a place where she was the healthiest person in the room.

6. In her upcoming memoir “Becoming,” former First Lady Michelle Obama reveals that she stopped even trying to smile during President Trump’s inauguration. “The key is to imagine you’re anywhere else,” said Melania.

7. Nebraska recently revealed it’s new tourism slogan, “Nebraska: Honestly, it’s not for everyone.” “Message received,” said black people.

8. Last month, Ethiopia appointed the country’s first female president. Because you can’t scream “but her emails,” when you don’t even have the internet.

9. A woman in the U.K. claims to have had sex with twenty ghosts. A lady who is attracted to pale figures from a bygone age or, as she is more commonly known, Karen Pence.

10. Last week, a Mandarin duck native to China and Japan was spotted in Central Park. It was spotted blocking the sidewalk as New York City ducks were trying to get to work in the morning.

11. Rapper 50 Cent continued his long-standing feud with fellow-rapper Ja Rule by buying 200 front row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty. So I can’t wait to find out what Donald Trump did to piss off 50 Cent:

trump crowd

12. A 69-year-old man in the Netherlands is suing his local government so he can legally lower his age by more than twenty year because he identifies as a 45-year-old in an effort to meet more women on Tinder. That story again, a man in the Netherlands is the only person not lying about his age on Tinder.

13. Last week, President Trump floated the idea of the U.S. charging tariffs on wines imported from France. In response, the fourth hour of the Today Show has succeeded from America.

14. In a recently published study, scientists determined that, in the near future, self-driving cars will be used for sex. That story again, Kit has seen some shit:

kitt

15. A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at auction this weekend. That story again, they are auctioning off a bed that has never been slept in by Hillary Clinton.

16. According to a new survey, 49 percent of men do not considering kissing someone else cheating. That story again, 49 percent of men took a survey not standing next to their significant other.

17. Starbucks announced that it will start blocking customers from accessing pornography on their in-store wi-fi in 2019. Which explains Dunkin Donuts new slogan “Welcome Creeps!”

18. Last week, while paying his respects to the late George H.W. Bush, former Republican  Bob Dole rose form his wheelchair and saluted the former president. Which has got to be the absolute best outcome from a story that includes the words ‘Bob Dole’ and ‘rose’:

dole

19. A new study has found that there is strong and consistent evidence that James Bond has a chronic alcohol consumption problem that is on the severe end of the spectrum. That story again, scientists have too much time on their hands.

20. This past week, Russia’s state-of-the-art robot was revealed to be a man in a robot costume. Man, Russia is so far behind the times, in the U.S. we already have a robot in a man costume:

romney robot

June 1, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, a in bar Portland, Oregon held a “Reparations Happy Hour,” in which people of color had drinks and white people picked up the tab. That crazy story again, there are black people in Portland, Oregon.

2. According to reports, a Russian oligarch with links to the Kremlin met Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen at Trump Tower in New York City less than two weeks before Trump’s inauguration as president. Which means we are a few weeks away from Trump saying he’s never even heard of Trump Tower.

3. Republican Representative Diane Black of Tennessee recently cited pornography as a contributing factor to gun violence in schools. Begging the question, what kind of porn is Republican Representative Diane Back of Tennessee watching?

4. AT&T and Verizon announced this week they will start selling a holographic smartphone that will feature a ‘holographic’ display, that projects 3D images. And you thought the eggplant emoji made you uncomfortable before.

5. In a recent interview, President Trump said that NFL players who kneel during the anthem shouldn’t be playing. Also, some that stand:

6. On Tuesday, Utah Senate candidate Mitt Romney said he would not point to President Trump as a role model for his grandchildren. Said Romney, “There’s not much they can learn from Trump, they already throw tantrums and have tiny little hands.”

7. Netflix announced that Jennifer Aniston will portray the first female, and first gay, U.S. president in a comedy film for the streaming service. “Now that’s a woman president I can get behind!” said Bill Clinton.

8. President Trump and his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted on Wednesday that they were owed an apology from ABC for airing derogatory comments about the administration. “Get in line,” said everyone who saw an episode of “Cavemen”:

9. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. Said President Trump, “I get blaming a drug when you make a mistake, I wrote a very stern letter to Viagra after the birth of Eric.”

10. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. It’s easy to confuse racist for tired, look at all these sleepy people in their pajamas ready for bed:

11. On Wednesday, Trump publicly touted the importance of physical fitness during a Sports and Fitness Day event on the White House South Lawn. Unfortunately Trump only got threw two minutes of his prepared remarks before he became too winded by standing and talking at the same time to finish.

12. According to ‘Bloomberg,’ Billionaire Warren Buffett had proposed to invest $3 billion in Uber earlier this year, but the talks failed. Uber kept telling Buffett they were three minutes away from a deal, but they kept saying they were only three minutes away for over an hour.

13. On Wednesday, Kim Kardashian went to the White House and met with senior advisor to the president, Jared Kushner. “What’s it like to have a job where you don’t do anything?” said both of them to each other.

14. Delaware will begin offering Las Vegas-style sports betting at its three casinos on Tuesday, becoming the first state to open for business since the recent Supreme Court ruling. And I bet a lot of degenerate gamblers live in Delaware because they’re notoriously bad at making decisions.

May 11, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This year, a 132-pound ovarian tumor was removed from a 38-year-old Connecticut woman. Not to be outdone, this woman got rid of a 230-pound tumor this year:

2. Film producer Harvey Weinstein is fighting back against insurer Chubb, saying they must pay for his legal defense against 11 lawsuits that accuse him of sexually harassment. But much like every robe Weinstein has ever owned, Chubb said there’s no way they can possibly cover it all.

3. After President Trump announced the U.S. withdrawal from the Iran nuclear deal this week, the Supreme Leader of Iran said, Trump, “will turn to dust and his body will become food for snakes and ants.” “Man, that’s a pretty harsh sentence,” said snakes and ants.

4. According to a new study, Hispanic drivers are at twice the risk of falling asleep at the wheel compared to white drivers. Begging the question, is the ‘J’ in Billy Joel silent?

5. Over the weekend, the original manuscript for Alcoholics Anonymous was sold to an NFL team owner for $2.4 million. That’s not surprising, you’d have to be pretty drunk to buy the Cleveland Browns.

6. A Colorado woman has been charged with destruction of property after she allegedly blew up microwave in a 7/11 store while trying to heat up a container of urine before a drug test. Said the store owner, “If you like warm piss, we have some unrefrigerated Mountain Dew in the back.”

7. In Utah, a couple gardening in their yard fund the skeleton of a 16,000 year old horse. And I’m not sure who I feel worse for, the long-dead horse or the guy forced garden with his wife.

8. The governing body of world athletics has suspended five Russian race walkers from competition for training with a banned coach. So I stand corrected, being a competitive race walker is apparently not rock bottom.

9. Last week, during a tense NHL playoff hockey game, a Boston Bruin attempted to lick one of his opponents. “I’m okay with it, as along as those two aren’t married,” said DJ Khalid.

10. President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said he feels pretty good about his recent media appearances because “everyone is reacting to us now.” “Agreed,” said a guy who pulled out his dick in a Starbucks.

11. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. But added, “If it’s not sunny out, I’ll settle for a lukewarm dog”:

12. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. He also said he enjoys “partaking in American style foot ball and creamed ice.”

13. According to reports, people close to Senator John McCain have told the White House that he does not want President Trump to attend to his funeral. And, to rub it in even more, McCain wants his funeral to take place on the back nine of the Trump International Golf Course.

14. Last weekend, a Chipotle threw a burrito-themed baby shower for a couple who given birth to their child in the restaurant’s parking lot. “If they start celebrating every time someone ‘gives birth’ to a six-pound, seven ounce bundle, they’ll never get anything done around here,” said everyone waiting line to use the bathroom.

15. On Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence’s older brother, Greg Pence, won the Republican nomination for his congressional bid in Indiana. Two Pences on the prowl D.C., you know what that means, hide your ladies, no seriously they don’t like being around women.

16. According to a new poll, less than one in three Americans agrees with President Trump’s decision to pull the United States out of the Iran nuclear deal. While the other third, just heard ‘Trump’ and ‘pull out’ and immediately said yes:

17. On Wednesday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un related three imprisoned American citizens into the custody of America. Adding, “Now Mr. Trump, you release your hostage”:

18. According to reports, President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President following the 2016 election to potential clients. “How much would fifteen minutes and a hug cost?” said Don Jr.

19. President Trump’s new attorney, Rudy Giuliani, told CNN on Thursday that Trump “wasn’t aware” his longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President to potential clients following the 2016 election. Added Giuliani, “But if you give me $15,000, you can ask Trump that question yourself.”

20. According to a new study, fathers who exercise may have smarter babies. “That’s impressive, but according to my study, the cow goes ruff,” said Don Jr.

21. On Monday, billionaire investor Warren Buffett compared bitcoin to rat poison. “That’s ridiculous, I can’t feed bitcoin to my daughter,” said Casey Anthony.

22. Comedian Ken Jeong, who is a trained physician, stopped in the middle of a performance and attended to a fan in the crowd who was having a seizure. Said Carrot Top, “I cannot even imagine that, what’s it like to have a fan?”

October 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The student Academy Awards were held on Thursday in Beverly Hills. They are just like the regular Academy Awards except to get nominated you don’t have to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a potted plant.

2. This week, President Trump gave his first one-on-one interview in three months to Mike Huckabee. And, given all that, no one was under more pressure than the chairs:

3. Madison Square Garden has created a ticket package for $400,000 that includes front-row seats for 180 events, including all Knicks and Rangers games and concerts from the likes of Billy Joel and Shakira. Or, you can pay $500,000 for a package that doesn’t include Knicks games.

4. According to a new ‘Vanity Fair’ article, an increasingly frustrated President Trump has been heard saying, “I hate everyone in the White House.” Said Eric, “This is the first time I’m happy daddy makes me sleep in a tent out back”:

5. It is being reported that during the meeting that led to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling President Trump a ‘moron,’ Trump said he wanted to increase the U.S.’s nuclear arsenal tenfold. Which is five more folds than normal for him:

6. According to a new survey, 52% of men say they haven’t personally benefited from women having access to affordable birth control. A result that only makes sense if they somehow, accidentally polled Kevin Federline 52 times.

7. The world’s heaviest woman died this week. Luckily, it was an easy death because she had ample experience going towards the light:

8. According to a new study, half of Americans think, in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. That story again, Ann Romney was way ahead of her time:

9. This week ‘The Times of London’ reported that ousted movie exec Harvey Weinstein once invited a British noblewoman to “jump in the bath” with him. Begging the question, just how big was that bathtub that it could fit Harvey Weinstein and another human being?

10. According to a study in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, more than 1 million Americans injure themselves on stairs each year. Not to be outdone, 60 million Americans were fucked over by an escalator last year:

11. Vice President Mike Pence left a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday after some players knelt during the National Anthem. There was also a mass exodus following the National Anthem at the Jets game, but that’s because it was announced they were playing the Browns.

12. This week, President Trump responded to reports that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him “a fucking moron” by challenging him to an IQ test. IQ tests are based on verbal intelligence, mathematical ability, spatial reasoning, and, uh-oh, ability to open doors:

13. Microsoft said on Monday it was looking into whether Russians bought U.S. election ads on its Bing search engine. Oh man, if that’s true, those ads could have been seen by literally tens of people.

14. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin received a puppy as a belated-birthday gift from the president of Turkmenistan. Said Putin, “Great, just what we need in this country, another foreigner who pees wherever he wants.”:

15. Some East African countries no longer want foreign secondhand clothing because they’re trying to manufacture their own clothing. But what those Africans really want is to meet the back-to-back-to-back-to-back Superbowl-winning Buffalo Bills teams of the early 90s.

16. A company has begun selling condoms in 60-custom-fit sizes in response to men who say they don’t like wearing prophylactics because they don’t fit properly. Said those same men to their girlfriends, “Did I also mention I’m allergic to latex?”

17. Forbes magazine, which annually ranks the world’s richest people, said they have a ‘Trump rule’ where they take whatever Trump says he’s worth and divide it by three. Completely disregarding two-thirds is an idea the magazine said they got from Trump himself:

18. Authorities say man in Minnesota lived in a house with the decomposing bodies of his mother and twin brother for over a year. But, on the plus-side ladies he’s a homeowner now.

19. White House officials believe Chief of Staff John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked. Even crazier, Trump’s wasn’t:

20. Grammy-winning rapper Nelly was arrested near Seattle early on Saturday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her on a tour bus. But we shouldn’t rush to judgment, maybe it was just locker room talk:

July 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a new interview, President Trump said Russian President Vladimir Putin would be happier if Hillary Clinton were in the White House now. Or, as it’s more commonly referred to, buyer’s remorse.

2. Yesterday, a chunk of ice the size of Delaware broke off from Antartica. Which is impressive because if Delaware broke off the from U.S., I’m pretty sure it would take weeks before anyone noticed.

3. A funeral home in Michigan was shut down after authorities found an infestation of maggots. And, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but authorities also found a shit ton of dead bodies.

4. Some tech experts in Silicon Valley now believe that a robot would make a better president than a human. “Too late America, you had your chance,” said Mitt Romney.

5. On Wednesday, the Sri Lankan navy rescued a struggling elephant after he was swept out to sea. Heres a photo taken moments before the incident:

6. Tuesday night, co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ Joe Scarborough, announced that he is leaving the Republican party. And, if recent history is any guide, I assume he’s leaving the Republican party for Mika Brzezinski.

7. Tuesday night, co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ Joe Scarborough, announced that he is leaving the Republican party. Said the Republican party, “Oh no, where are we gonna find a replacement for a preppy, middle-aged white guy with glasses?”

8. According to a new survey, roughly four-in-ten Americans have personally experienced online harassment. “ONLINE harassment? I guess I’m just old fashioned,” said Bill O’Reilly.

9. A new mom, who tracked every penny she spent, determined that her 18-month-old baby cost her $20,000. You think that’s bad, Donald Trump’s kid just cost him the presidency.

10. This week, Pope Francis announced a new, fourth route to sainthood. The way it works is, if someone mentions their wife and you don’t follow it up with an impression of Borat saying “my wife,” you’re a fucking saint.

June 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Pablo Picasso’s granddaughter, Diana Widmaier-Picasso, is starting her own jewelry line. All earnings will come one to a set.

2. You will soon be able to rent President Trump’s childhood home in Queens for $4,000 a month. Or, if you’re willing to spend a lot more, you can rent Barron’s childhood home, just make the check out to Vlad:

3. On Thursday, the Justice Department issued a complaint alleging that stolen money was used to finance and produce the movie ‘Dumb and Dumber To.’ “I know that feeling of having your money stolen,” said people who saw “‘Dumb and Dumber To.’

4. An off-the-record speech by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull in which he mocked President Trump was broadcast on TV. Australia should be careful because Trump angers easily and Austria should be careful because he’s not that bright.

5. The White House has eliminated nearly 60 requirements for agencies to submit paperwork in a bid to make the federal government operate more efficiently. Because if there’s one thing President Trump believes in, it’s not submitting paperwork:

6. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered former-FBI Director James Comey asylum if an investigation is launched against him. “I’ll give you a list of great restaurants in Moscow,” said Michael Flynn.

7. A San Francisco woman found a bullet in a recently purchased avocado. Along with either a death threat or a recipe:

8. According to reports, the 2017 NBA Champion Golden State Warriors unanimously voted to skip the traditional celebratory trip to the White House. Although, just because you lose a vote to go to the White House doesn’t mean you won’t end up there anyway:

9. Rolf Buchholz, the world’s more pierced man reveled that he has 278 piercings in his penis. So, when he says he’s ‘polishing his knob,’ it may not be a euphemism.

10. KFC announced plans to send a chicken sandwich to the edge of space with a high-altitude balloon. “And so the chase begins,” said Chris Christie:

11. According to a new study, Taco Bell is one of the country’s healthiest fast food restaurants. “I was just ahead of my time,” said the doctor who’s been prescribing Chalupas for years:

12. On Sunday, Puerto Ricans voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming America’s 51st state. Said Trump, “Sorry, Russia already called dibs on it.”

13. Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told reporters on Friday that former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton encouraged him to take a job in the Trump White House. Specifically, the job of president.

14. The White House said on Friday that President Trump will visit Poland ahead of next month’s G20 summit in Germany. Said Poland, “Trump’s visit will be the most unwanted visit from any foreign leader in our country’s history”:

15. A hospital in Mississippi allowed a 12-year-old girl to help doctors deliver her newborn baby brother. Which, considering it’s Mississippi, was a nice glimpse into the 12-year-old’s not-too-distant future.

16. A Michigan man apparently upset because his food included onions, is now in jail after he allegedly threatened to kill the restaurant owner before exposing himself. Or, maybe, he was just providing the restauranteur a visual example of how to ‘hold the onions.’

17. U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers seized 150 pounds of meth Sunday, found hidden inside boxes of popcorn. Which makes sense, because you can’t get a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth when you don’t have any teeth.

18. In a new interview, actress Lena Dunham revealed that her dad taught her how to use a tampon when she was fourteen. Or, as Woody Allen refers to it, date night.

19. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. He is survived by one slice of sausage, three slices of plain and a full, untouched veggie pizza.

20. A Brooklyn man allegedly prowled a Manhattan bar for drunk college students and then took them back to his apartment, where he forced them to smoke crack before robbing them. “God, I miss college,” said Charlie Sheen.

March 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Earlier this week, Alexei Navalny, a prominent critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin, was doused with a liquid that turned his skin bright green by an unknown assailant. And, apparently if you’re an prominent supporter of Putin they’ll douse you with an orange liquid:

2. According to a new survey, 1 in 4 people believe robots would make better politicians. Or, as Mitt Romney found out in 2012, not enough to get elected.

3. This week, architects unveiled plans for a building called Big Bend, a U-shaped structure that would be New York City’s longest. Although, if they really want to make it authentic New York they should add two smaller buildings on each side:

4. On Wednesday, Donald Trump ended an interview with Time Magazine by saying “I’m the President and you’re not.” So, after weeks of building up confidence by practicing that phrase in the mirror, it sounds like he’s finally ready to say it to Steve Bannon’s face.

5. A Colorado talk radio host, who once chaired the state Republican Party and has accused Democrats of widespread voter fraud, was charged on Wednesday with forging his ex-wife’s signature on a mail-in ballot in the 2016 election. Although, I bet her signature on the divorce papers was authentic.

6. A brewery in San Diego is selling beer made from treated sewage water. That story again, a brewery in San Diego is filtering Coors Lite and relabeling it.

7. A member of pop band One Direction claims that Donald Trump once kicked the band out of a Trump hotel because they refused to meet one of his daughters. And I’m guessing the daughter in question was Ivanka, because not even Trump himself meets with Tiffany.

8. According to a report, one White House staffer is so fearful about leaks, that “once he gets home in the evenings, he turns off his work phone and stores it in a drawer because … he believes it could be used to listen to him even when it’s off.” Whereas the President doesn’t seem to be aware that turning your phone off is even option:

9. The White House announced this week that President Trump will give the commencement speech at Liberty University in May. “So, death, I guess,” said Patrick Henry.

10. During an interview on Monday, professional golfer Tiger Woods said he’s “trying everything” to be in shape for this year’s Masters tournament. “Define ‘everything,’” said his girlfriend.

11. President Trump recently suggested that chief of staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Which is great because then Press Secretary Sean Spicer can seamless transition to the crazy, wavy arms guy out front:

12. President Donald Trump’s proposal to do away with the federal agency that investigates chemical accidents drew sharp criticism from environmental, labor and safety advocates. And anyone who wants to figure out once and for all why he’s that shade of orange.

13. According to reports, Fox News pundit Sean Hannity travels with a personal sensei who teaches him judo and recently pulled a gun on a correspondent after having an argument on-air. That incredible story again, the Sean Hannity you see on TV is the sanest, least crazy version of that guy.

14. President Trump’s new proposed federal budget cuts funding for public broadcasting programs like Sesame Street. “Any room in there?” said Big Bird to Oscar.

15. President Trump’s new proposed federal budget cuts funding for public broadcasting programs like Sesame Street. “I guess, to save money we gotta go back to sleeping in the same bed,” said a surprisingly upbeat Bert and Ernie.

16. More than 20,000 people living in U.S. nursing homes experienced serious injuries to their face last year. But, the despite that, the fight clubs are still worth it.

17. While speaking at a LGBTQ ceremony over the weekend, pop singer Katy Perry said, despite the lyrics to her 2008 hit song, she did more than just kiss a girl. “Way ahead of you,” said guys day-dreaming.

18. A male porn star who appeared in around 600 scenes has revealed that he quit the industry due the toll it took on his penis. Not to be confused with the toll Kim Kardashian charges per penis.

19. A man in China proposed to his girlfriend using a 33-ton meteorite instead of the traditional diamond ring. That story again, a man in China is still single.

20. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. Wow, it’s almost like a wall was completely ineffective at keeping him, or for that matter anyone, out.

January 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Brunhilde Pomsel, the private secretary of the Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels during World War II, has died at 106. War veteran John McCain called her “a mouth piece for evil,” while White House press secretary Sean Spicer called her, “an inspiration.”

2. A spokesperson for Angela Merkel said that during their recent telephone call, the German Chancellor had to explain the Geneva Convention to President Trump. A task that proved to be very difficult because over the phone Trump couldn’t see the sock puppets.

3. On Monday, President Trump accused Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer of crying “fake tears” when talking about the newly instituted travel ban. And, to his credit, Trump is an expert at spotting real tears since Melania wakes up screaming and crying every morning.

4. Richard Spencer, a leading white nationalist, said he was a “mentor” to Stephen Miller, one of President Trump’s closest advisors, while they were both at Duke University. Which means at least one thing, Miller doesn’t know how to take a punch:
spencer

5. According to reports, Megyn Kelly is being considered for a morning show on NBC, possibly bumping the third hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Tamron Hall and Al Roker. While the fourth hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Hoda and Kathie Lee will be replaced by party blower and a bottle of Vicodin:
today-show

6. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in the Netherlands in October. This year’s keynote speaker, as it has been every year, will be Ann Romney.

7. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in Eindehoven, Netherlands on October 26th. So, needless-to-say, the line at the breakfast buffet at the Eindhoven Holiday Inn to use the toaster is gonna be very long that day.

8. Under a new rule, goaltenders in the National Hockey League will soon have to wear pants with a more contoured fit. Critics blame the new rule on the rise of hipster goaltenders:
hockey-goal

9. A petition to prevent President Donald Trump from making an official visit to the United Kingdom was exceeded a million signatures. Even worse, when Trump counted, it was over 3 million signatures.

10. Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat escaped from the National Zoo in D.C. on Monday. Man, if only there were a professional pussy grabber around Washington to capture him.