April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

December 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, President Trump called for national voter I.D. laws and accused people of voting illegally, saying, “They go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again.” And, just like that, Melania has a new escape plan:

melania hat

2. According to a report, President Trump has two iPhones, one that he uses for calls and one that he uses for Twitter. And also a third phone on which he can call Grover:

trump phone

3. During the recent G20 Summit in Argentina, President Trump was caught on a hot mic saying “Get me out here.” Which I can only assumes means the room he wanted to leave contained either a book, a treadmill or Eric. 

4. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. And, in related news, the people in that lady’s will have asked Taco Bell to change their slogan from ‘Live Mas’ to “You Had a Good Run.” 

5. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. She said she wanted to celebrate in a place where she was the healthiest person in the room.

6. In her upcoming memoir “Becoming,” former First Lady Michelle Obama reveals that she stopped even trying to smile during President Trump’s inauguration. “The key is to imagine you’re anywhere else,” said Melania.

7. Nebraska recently revealed it’s new tourism slogan, “Nebraska: Honestly, it’s not for everyone.” “Message received,” said black people.

8. Last month, Ethiopia appointed the country’s first female president. Because you can’t scream “but her emails,” when you don’t even have the internet.

9. A woman in the U.K. claims to have had sex with twenty ghosts. A lady who is attracted to pale figures from a bygone age or, as she is more commonly known, Karen Pence.

10. Last week, a Mandarin duck native to China and Japan was spotted in Central Park. It was spotted blocking the sidewalk as New York City ducks were trying to get to work in the morning.

11. Rapper 50 Cent continued his long-standing feud with fellow-rapper Ja Rule by buying 200 front row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty. So I can’t wait to find out what Donald Trump did to piss off 50 Cent:

trump crowd

12. A 69-year-old man in the Netherlands is suing his local government so he can legally lower his age by more than twenty year because he identifies as a 45-year-old in an effort to meet more women on Tinder. That story again, a man in the Netherlands is the only person not lying about his age on Tinder.

13. Last week, President Trump floated the idea of the U.S. charging tariffs on wines imported from France. In response, the fourth hour of the Today Show has succeeded from America.

14. In a recently published study, scientists determined that, in the near future, self-driving cars will be used for sex. That story again, Kit has seen some shit:


15. A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at auction this weekend. That story again, they are auctioning off a bed that has never been slept in by Hillary Clinton.

16. According to a new survey, 49 percent of men do not considering kissing someone else cheating. That story again, 49 percent of men took a survey not standing next to their significant other.

17. Starbucks announced that it will start blocking customers from accessing pornography on their in-store wi-fi in 2019. Which explains Dunkin Donuts new slogan “Welcome Creeps!”

18. Last week, while paying his respects to the late George H.W. Bush, former Republican  Bob Dole rose form his wheelchair and saluted the former president. Which has got to be the absolute best outcome from a story that includes the words ‘Bob Dole’ and ‘rose’:


19. A new study has found that there is strong and consistent evidence that James Bond has a chronic alcohol consumption problem that is on the severe end of the spectrum. That story again, scientists have too much time on their hands.

20. This past week, Russia’s state-of-the-art robot was revealed to be a man in a robot costume. Man, Russia is so far behind the times, in the U.S. we already have a robot in a man costume:

romney robot

July 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, President Trump spoke to a large gathering of Boy Scouts saying, “there’s no better feeling than an achievement that you’ve earned with your own sweat, tears, resolve, hardwork.” Adding, “And of course a small $10 million, interest-free loan from your father.

2. On Monday, President Trump spoke to 40,000 Boy Scouts at the organization’s annual jamboree. And what better person to speak to a group of kids who get merit badges for tying knots than someone who has done it three times and counting:

3. A Danish company is selling makeup for your vagina. “Do you sell a concealer?” asked women around Bill Cosby.

4. Italian police said on Monday they had arrested two brothers suspected of robbing dozens of cash machines while wearing masks of President Trump. Authorities knew it wasn’t actually Trump because during the hold-up the robbers stuck to their script and didn’t once mention their huge electoral college victory.

5. According to new research, sperm counts in men from America have dropped by more than 50 percent in less than 40 years. Which I have a hard time believing considering how sticky the floor on the G train always is.

6. New research found the brains of 99 percent of former NFL players studied showed signs of a disease linked to repeated hits to the head that can lead to dementia. While the remaining 1 percent wasn’t a football player:

7. According to reports in Australia, Justin Bieber abruptly cancelled his concert tour to focus on opening up his own church. “What happened? We had such a great partnership,” asked the Devil.

8. A woman in Detroit was arrested for attempting to train squirrels to attack her ex-boyfriend. Even worse, this is her ex-boyfriend:

9. New research shows that ancient humans had sex with non-human species. That story again, even 150,000 years ago, there was still a South.

10. A new terminal is set to open in Singapore’s Changi Airport that, in theory, will allow passengers to go all the way from check-in to boarding without speaking to another person. You know, it’s not the speaking that gets to me:

May 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A member of the conservative House Freedom Caucus said that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump because it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking. So true, if I have one criticism of Trump, it’s that he’s too reserved with his thoughts:

2. Toyota has claimed the title of World’s Fastest SUV after a Toyota Land Cruiser hit 230 miles an hour. “Good to know,” said Al Cowlings.

3. Pornography website Pornhub announced it will be giving away greeting cards that you can give to your mom on Mothers’ Day that turn into virtual reality headsets when folded open. That way, your mom can pretend she lives in a world where her kid doesn’t send her a porn card on Mothers’ Day.

4. According to reports, Ryan Seacrest will host the revival of ‘American Idol’ that is set to air on ABC. When asked for comment, the host said, “Ryan Seacrest still hungry. Ryan Seacrest want more.”

5. The White House announced that Donald Trump will embark on his first international trip as President later this month, visiting multiple cities, including Vatican City. “Quick, close the blinds,” said the Pope.

6. A Danish brewery is using 50,000 liters of urine collected from the largest music festival in Northern Europe to produce a novelty beer. “Ew, gross, beer,” said Trump.

7. Following a “bad experience” at a Louisiana bookstore, a 71-year-old man returned and left dildos on the shelves of the store’s ‘Religion’ section. Everyone agreed they hadn’t seen a cabinet stocked with that many dildos since:

8. Over the weekend, a porn star got bitten by a shark while trying to film an underwater sex scene. The victim was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital where the doctor gave the shark a clean bill of health.

9. Last week, a 510-pound man broke into a Florida Burger King and drank more than 25 gallons of oil from the deep frier. But, in his defense, he also got a Diet Coke.

10. The sister of President Trump’s advisor and son-in law Jared Kushner was in China last week telling high-net worth individuals that if they invest $500,000 in a development in Jersey City they’ll be able to immigrate to the U.S. That’s immoral, tricking unsuspecting Chinese people into moving to Jersey.

May 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump interrupted a recent interview with Reuters to hand out printed maps of the U.S. detailing his electoral college victory. I assume, because the painters are still working on the Oval Office mural:

2. Representative Jason Chaffetz said he will be absent from Congress as he recovers from foot surgery after falling off a ladder last week. He needed to get the surgery quickly, because under Trump’s new healthcare plan, owning the ladder is considered a pre-existing condition.

3. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local International House of Pancakes. Said fellow customer Paris Hilton, “I’ll have, what she’s having.”

4. A Dutch physical therapist turned inventor has developed a tailor-made pillow that he claims will solve any sleeping problems at a price of $57,000. And, you’re gonna need all the help you can get to fall asleep after you spend $57,000 on a fucking pillow.

5. Over the weekend, a couple got married at the Spam Museum in Minnesota. I’m assuming, because the Waldorf was all booked.

6. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier from Ireland, has undergone gender reassignment surgery after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. Marking the first time any dog owner has genuinely asked, “Who’s a good boy?”

7. Over the weekend, President Trump claimed to have invented the phrase ‘fake news.’ And if necessity truly is the mother of invention, technically he’s right.

8. A recent defector from North Korea says that being gay is completely unheard of in that country. Which explains why there are no good hairdressers there:

9. Pickle juice soda is now a thing. And it’s still only the second worst idea the Pepsi marketing department has ever had.

10. According to reports, during a recent meeting, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was forced to explain to President Trump eleven times how trade works with European countries. Trump was reportedly very interested in Europe’s exchange policy:

April 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson may star in a reality TV show together. It will be the most literal season of ‘Surviror’ ever.

2. Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced that President Trump’s first quarter salary of $78,333 will be donated to the National Parks Service. Trump made the donation with one caveat, that the Parks Service use the money to buy Photoshop:

3. According to new research, babies cry more in Britain, Canada, Italy and Netherlands than in other countries, while newborns in Denmark, Germany and Japan cry and fuss the least. Researchers also found that babies tend to cry longer in the United States, in some cases, tantrums lasted up to 70 years:

4. As mobile phone use grows in India, more young men are calling women at random, hoping to strike up a relationship. Calling an unfamiliar number and being connected to a random Indian person, we have something like in the States, it’s called customer support.

5. Robert Weighton, Britain’s oldest man, who turned 109 last week, refused a birthday card from the Queen because she looked “miserable” on her official correspondence. “If that’s the case, I won’t even bother to write.” said Melaina.

6. According to a new study, the sounds of nature have a calming effect on people. “So, get it while you still can,” said the EPA.

7. The New England Rural Crime Unit is currently investigating the theft of more than 200 sheep. It actually may have been more than 200, but the person in charge of counting kept falling asleep.

8. A restaurant in North Carolina has seen an uptick in reservations after banning children under the age of five. “That’s not the Subway I know and love,” said Jared.

9. According to news reports, the last time that President Trump talked to former-President Obama was on inauguration day. Because ‘talk’ implies a two-way conversation:

10. Last week, border guards in Ukraine discovered a lion cub in a van carrying 2,245 parrots. That’s crazy, since when does Ukraine have border guards?:

February 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday President Trump said he hasn’t called Russia in ten years. Although I assume by ‘Russia’ he means ‘Tiffany.’

2. There was a mixup during Sunday night’s Oscar ceremony, that resulted in the statuette for Best Picture being taken away from ‘La La Land’ after it was already awarded to them. ”They can do that!?!?” asked a panicky Adrien Brody.

3. During Sunday night’s Academy Awards, Mahershala Ali took home the trophy for Best Supporting Actor for his role in ‘Moonlight’ becoming the first Muslim actor to win an Oscar. Which, I assume, means no one won this year’s White House Oscar pool.

4. ABC’s Sunday night broadcast of the Academy Awards hosted by Jimmy Kimmel drew the smallest audience since 2008. The only thing that drew less of an audience were the movies nominated for Best Picture.

5. President Donald Trump told several chief executives of large insurance companies on Monday that 2017 will be a “catastrophic” year for the Affordable Care Act. Although he probably didn’t need to add “for the Affordable Care Act” at the end of that sentence.

6. This week in England, fans of Crystal Palace Football Club inadvertently vandalized their own team’s bus thinking it was the bus of Middlesbrough, prior to a soccer match between the two rivals. And, if I know anything about embarrassing episodes on buses, I’m sure that it was somehow Billy Bush’s fault.

7. On Monday, a political website posted a photo of Robbie Gatti, a candidate for the Louisiana House of Representatives, in black face. And, in related news, Donald Trump has named Robbie Gatti Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

8. A woman in Turkey has built a ‘cat ladder’ leading into her home that strays can use when it’s cold outside. It also serves as an escape ladder for any man who somehow finds himself in that home.

9. A Dutch woman approaching her 100th birthday persuaded local police to “arrest” her so she could check off an item on her bucket list. She was given a 48-hour sentence, or more accurately, a life sentence.

10. In a new interview, President Trump blamed the Academy Awards’ best picture mix-up on what he said was Hollywood’s misguided focus on politics. That story again, the host of a reality tv show said the entertainment industry should stay out of politics.

January 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Brunhilde Pomsel, the private secretary of the Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels during World War II, has died at 106. War veteran John McCain called her “a mouth piece for evil,” while White House press secretary Sean Spicer called her, “an inspiration.”

2. A spokesperson for Angela Merkel said that during their recent telephone call, the German Chancellor had to explain the Geneva Convention to President Trump. A task that proved to be very difficult because over the phone Trump couldn’t see the sock puppets.

3. On Monday, President Trump accused Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer of crying “fake tears” when talking about the newly instituted travel ban. And, to his credit, Trump is an expert at spotting real tears since Melania wakes up screaming and crying every morning.

4. Richard Spencer, a leading white nationalist, said he was a “mentor” to Stephen Miller, one of President Trump’s closest advisors, while they were both at Duke University. Which means at least one thing, Miller doesn’t know how to take a punch:

5. According to reports, Megyn Kelly is being considered for a morning show on NBC, possibly bumping the third hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Tamron Hall and Al Roker. While the fourth hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Hoda and Kathie Lee will be replaced by party blower and a bottle of Vicodin:

6. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in the Netherlands in October. This year’s keynote speaker, as it has been every year, will be Ann Romney.

7. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in Eindehoven, Netherlands on October 26th. So, needless-to-say, the line at the breakfast buffet at the Eindhoven Holiday Inn to use the toaster is gonna be very long that day.

8. Under a new rule, goaltenders in the National Hockey League will soon have to wear pants with a more contoured fit. Critics blame the new rule on the rise of hipster goaltenders:

9. A petition to prevent President Donald Trump from making an official visit to the United Kingdom was exceeded a million signatures. Even worse, when Trump counted, it was over 3 million signatures.

10. Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat escaped from the National Zoo in D.C. on Monday. Man, if only there were a professional pussy grabber around Washington to capture him.

October 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, a woman in Utah gave birth while checking out inside a local WalMart. The birth took employees by surprise, but, in their defense, you try figuring out which WalMart customers are pregnant:

2. During a town hall Tuesday night, President Obama revealed that once his presidency is over he plans to “sleep for two weeks.” Or, as Dr. Ben Carson refers to it, a light nap.

3. A barber in Michigan gives children a $2 discount if they read a book aloud while they get their haircut. And a $3 discount if they read “50 Shades of Grey” out loud, very slowly.

4. On Tuesday, Arkansas tried to blow up a 93-year-old bridge in Little Rock but failed after the bridge remained standing following the explosion. In response, authorities brought in an expert:

5. In a recently released transcript of an unaired segment of “the Apprentice,” Donald Trump is caught on mic saying a female singer’s skin “sucked” and that “she needs some serious fucking dermatology.” Of course, to Trump, this is what he considers serious dermatology:

6. This week Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he ‘loves’ WikiLeaks. Although, if history is any guide, in a couple of years he’ll find a new, younger website full of classified material that he loves more.

7. Two women accused Donald Trump of inappropriate touching in a story posted on the New York Times website on Wednesday. But, in Trump’s defense, they were in a locker room during the encounter.

8. The Dutch government intends to draft a law that would legalize assisted suicide for people who feel they have “completed life,” but are not necessarily terminally ill. Or, in other words, married.

9. On Wednesday, the Hillary Clinton campaign notified authorities that campaign manager John Podesta’s Twitter account was hacked. While, once again, the Donald Trump campaign notified authorities that, despite recent tweets, Trump’s Twitter account had not been hacked.

10. A married couple who worked at the Australian health department sent themselves over 80,000 fake death threats in an elaborate ploy that scored them hundreds of free paid days off of work. Authorities became suspicious when the couple’s child was kidnapped and the only demand in the ransom note was for “a better dental plan.”

August 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a speech Wednesday night, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said President Obama was the founder of ISIS and Hillary Clinton was the co-founder. Yet another example of Trump’s refusal to put a woman in charge of a company.

2. A former North Carolina staffer is suing Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, saying a top employee working on Trump’s White House bid once pulled a gun on him and the campaign took no action. But, in Trump’s defense, that staffer is a lot less likely now to nominate liberal judges to the bench.

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump acknowledged on Thursday that his campaign is struggling in Utah, a usually rock solid Republican state. Those Mormons know he’s had three wives, right?

4. A Chinese couple marked their wedding day by dangling underneath a glass bottom suspension bridge overlooking a gorge. It suddenly became a destination wedding when the cables gave way.

5. Asked what he would do if he lost in the general election to Hillary Clinton, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said we would, “have a very, very nice long vacation.” So hopefully ‘nice’ means international and ‘long’ means enough time to build a wall.

6. A black biofilm is beginning to cover the Jefferson Monument in Washington D.C. Big deal, a black bio-play has been covering Hamilton on Broadway for two years.

7. The CEO of Wendy’s says the current presidential election is hurting burger sales. Apparently, Chris Christie is still heartbroken over not being Trump’s VP and can only bring himself to eat three hamburgers a day.

8. Dutch designers have created a house that splits into two in the event that the owners get a divorced. That way, the kids can say “I literally come from a broken home.”

9. The PA announcer for the Memphis Grizzlies was arrested yesterday for allegedly making upskirt videos of unsuspected church members during services. “That’s outrageous,” said priests, “if anyone’s gonna be looking up skirts it’s gonna be us.”:
altar boys

10. The estate of Marvin Gaye is suing musician Ed Sheeran claiming his hit song “Thinking Out Loud” is too similar to Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” If that’s the case, I think they both have a claim against the constant melody coming from my neighbor’s apartment of them Getting It On Out Loud.

11. According to a new study, your genes play a large role in when you lose your virginity. “No shit,” said people with ugly parents.

12. An angry moviegoer who saw “Suicide Squad” claims he’ll sue Warner Brothers for false advertising because a number of scenes used in the trailer featuring Jared Leto’s The Joker didn’t make it into the final film. While another moviegoer who saw “Alice Through the Looking Glass” is suing the film company because a number of scenes from the trailer featuring Johnny Depp were in the movie.

13. This week, President Obama played golf with Golden State Warrior superstar Steph Curry. There was an awkward moment on the course when Steph realized he wasn’t going to beat Barack so he asked to join his team instead.

14. Last week, airport security asked a woman to unzip her luggage revealing an 11-year-old boy stuffed inside. But that’ll happen when you let Jerry Sandusky pack for you.

15. After being refused permission to use the bathroom of a convenience store in Taiwan, a woman stood up on the counter, pulled down her pants, peed into a cup and drank it. Even more disgusting, then she ate one of the store hotdogs.

16. A New Jersey man who died this week has attained posthumous notoriety after his “loving wife” and “longtime girlfriend” placed dueling, side-by-side obituaries for him in the same newspaper. How’s it possible that this guy has two obits and Larry King doesn’t have any?

17. New research indicates that only about half of perceived friendships are actually mutual. This was determined by talking to any teenage girl ever.

18. Over the weekend, New Mexico deputies pulled over a car that was driving erratically to find a drunk 13-year-old boy behind the wheel and his drunk grandmother in the backseat. God I hope they were going to and not coming back from make-out point.

19. While giving a speech on Friday, Hillary Clinton slipped-up and almost called Donald Trump her husband. But, to be fair, Trump does want to refer to her as a ball and chain:
ball and chain

20. A magazine has put out a printable PDF of Donald Trump’s hand print so people can measure their own hand size against it. “I did a similar thing last November,” said Joe Biden:
hand turkey