10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. This week, architects unveiled plans for a building called Big Bend, a U-shaped structure that would be New York City’s longest. Although, if they really want to make it authentic New York they should add two smaller buildings on each side:

2. According to reports, Ivanka Trump’s role in the White House will be to act as President Trump’s “eyes and ears.” “Lower,” said her father.

3. According to a new study, the average person walks past seven psychopaths a day. That story again, Trump’s re-design of the Oval Office contains at least seven mirrors.

4. On Wednesday, Exxon Mobile said they have lost a year’s worth of emails written by former-CEO and now-Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. Have they checked the Atlantic Ocean, they have a tendency to accidentally dump stuff there.

5. According to ‘Forbes,’ Microsoft founder Bill Gates is once again the richest man in the world. He regained the title the old fashioned way, by murdering Warren Buffett.

6. A new study found that dogs are capable of lying. “Although, they rarely do it when you really need them to,” said Michael Vick:

7. President Trump recently suggested that chief of staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Makes sense, he can go from selling an orange to selling a lemon.

8. President Trump’s new proposed budget cuts federal funding for public broadcasting programs like ‘Sesame Street.’ Because nothing gives Trump more joy than evicting minorities:

9. In a recent interview, Rodrigo Alves, the man known as “The Human Ken Doll,” said after 50 plastic surgeries he can’t breathe properly. Although, to be fair, I doubt there was a time when enough oxygen was ever getting to his brain.

10. The Department of Homeland Security has requested proposals for the Mexican border, saying ideally it should be 30 feet high and the wall facing the U.S. side should be “aesthetically pleasing in color.” And, considering it’s the Trump administration that’s making the request, I’m guessing “aesthetically pleasing in color” means white.

March 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Earlier this week, Alexei Navalny, a prominent critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin, was doused with a liquid that turned his skin bright green by an unknown assailant. And, apparently if you’re an prominent supporter of Putin they’ll douse you with an orange liquid:

2. According to a new survey, 1 in 4 people believe robots would make better politicians. Or, as Mitt Romney found out in 2012, not enough to get elected.

3. This week, architects unveiled plans for a building called Big Bend, a U-shaped structure that would be New York City’s longest. Although, if they really want to make it authentic New York they should add two smaller buildings on each side:

4. On Wednesday, Donald Trump ended an interview with Time Magazine by saying “I’m the President and you’re not.” So, after weeks of building up confidence by practicing that phrase in the mirror, it sounds like he’s finally ready to say it to Steve Bannon’s face.

5. A Colorado talk radio host, who once chaired the state Republican Party and has accused Democrats of widespread voter fraud, was charged on Wednesday with forging his ex-wife’s signature on a mail-in ballot in the 2016 election. Although, I bet her signature on the divorce papers was authentic.

6. A brewery in San Diego is selling beer made from treated sewage water. That story again, a brewery in San Diego is filtering Coors Lite and relabeling it.

7. A member of pop band One Direction claims that Donald Trump once kicked the band out of a Trump hotel because they refused to meet one of his daughters. And I’m guessing the daughter in question was Ivanka, because not even Trump himself meets with Tiffany.

8. According to a report, one White House staffer is so fearful about leaks, that “once he gets home in the evenings, he turns off his work phone and stores it in a drawer because … he believes it could be used to listen to him even when it’s off.” Whereas the President doesn’t seem to be aware that turning your phone off is even option:

9. The White House announced this week that President Trump will give the commencement speech at Liberty University in May. “So, death, I guess,” said Patrick Henry.

10. During an interview on Monday, professional golfer Tiger Woods said he’s “trying everything” to be in shape for this year’s Masters tournament. “Define ‘everything,’” said his girlfriend.

11. President Trump recently suggested that chief of staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Which is great because then Press Secretary Sean Spicer can seamless transition to the crazy, wavy arms guy out front:

12. President Donald Trump’s proposal to do away with the federal agency that investigates chemical accidents drew sharp criticism from environmental, labor and safety advocates. And anyone who wants to figure out once and for all why he’s that shade of orange.

13. According to reports, Fox News pundit Sean Hannity travels with a personal sensei who teaches him judo and recently pulled a gun on a correspondent after having an argument on-air. That incredible story again, the Sean Hannity you see on TV is the sanest, least crazy version of that guy.

14. President Trump’s new proposed federal budget cuts funding for public broadcasting programs like Sesame Street. “Any room in there?” said Big Bird to Oscar.

15. President Trump’s new proposed federal budget cuts funding for public broadcasting programs like Sesame Street. “I guess, to save money we gotta go back to sleeping in the same bed,” said a surprisingly upbeat Bert and Ernie.

16. More than 20,000 people living in U.S. nursing homes experienced serious injuries to their face last year. But, the despite that, the fight clubs are still worth it.

17. While speaking at a LGBTQ ceremony over the weekend, pop singer Katy Perry said, despite the lyrics to her 2008 hit song, she did more than just kiss a girl. “Way ahead of you,” said guys day-dreaming.

18. A male porn star who appeared in around 600 scenes has revealed that he quit the industry due the toll it took on his penis. Not to be confused with the toll Kim Kardashian charges per penis.

19. A man in China proposed to his girlfriend using a 33-ton meteorite instead of the traditional diamond ring. That story again, a man in China is still single.

20. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. Wow, it’s almost like a wall was completely ineffective at keeping him, or for that matter anyone, out.

March 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Ivanka Trump’s role in the White House will be to act as President Trump’s “eyes and ears.” “Lower,” said her father.

2. The classic boardgame Monopoly is being turned into a Broadway play. Because everyone’s biggest gripe with the game was that it wasn’t long enough and needed more Nathan Lane.

3. According to a new study, the average person walks past seven psychopaths a day. That story again, Trump’s re-design of the Oval Office contains at least seven mirrors.

4. Rex Tillerson recently said he only accepted the position of Secretary of State because his wife told him to. “Wow, that’s weird,” said Trump, “Your wife talks to you?”

5. According to a new report, when together, President Trump and First Lady Melania don’t sleep in the same bed. But that’s only because Melania prefers a stiff, non-soggy mattress.

6. On Wednesday, Exxon Mobile said they have lost a year’s worth of emails written by former-CEO and now-Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. Have they checked the Atlantic Ocean, they have a tendency to accidentally dump stuff there.

7. According to a report, one White House staffer is so fearful about leaks, that “once he gets home in the evenings, he turns off his work phone and stores it in a drawer because … he believes it could be used to listen to him even when it’s off.” He said he would store it in the closet, but Mike Pence is taking up too much space in there.

8. A cooler containing 37.5 pounds of marijuana with an estimated street value of $24,000 was recently donated to a Goodwill store in Washington. Which led to a lot of questions, like “Who donated the cooler?” and “How was Shelia the cashier able to come up with the street value so quickly?”

9. A New Jersey schools superintendent has apologized for an assignment in which fifth-graders were asked to create posters advertising slave auctions. But, on the plus-side, they sold a lot of fourth-graders.

10. The NFL is developing ‘educational training videos’ for players on the proper ways to celebrate a touchdown. “No need to send those videos to us,” said the Browns.

March 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was reported yesterday that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson will skip a NATO meeting next month in favor of visiting Russia. But, in Tillerson’s defense, he has an important, time-sensitive package that he needs to hand-deliver to Putin:

2. According to a new study, 43% of U.S. voters can’t name a Supreme Court justice. That story again, 43% of U.S. voters have something in common with President Obama during his last year in office.

3. President Trump warned Republican lawmakers on Tuesday that voters could punish them if they don’t approve a plan he favors to dismantle Obamacare. Begging the question, haven’t the voters punished us enough?:

4. A movie theater in L.A. is providing barf bags for movie goers seeing the French thriller “Raw” about a young woman who becomes a cannibal. The last time a French movie necessitated barf bags, Gerard Depardieu took off his shirt.

5. Injuries fell by half and concussions were reduced by almost two-thirds after Hockey Canada banned body checking for players younger than 13-years-old. But don’t worry, Canadian-born singer Justin Bieber is 23:

6. Disney was sued on Tuesday by a Hollywood screenwriter who accused the studio of copying its Oscar-winning animated film “Zootopia” from him without permission. And, yet, no one will step forward and take credit for writing “Dirty Grandpa.”

7. Grammy award-winning hip-hop artist Wyclef Jean said he was handcuffed and “treated like a criminal” when he was detained by L.A. police investigating a robbery on Tuesday. If charges are brought, Jean could be gone till November.

8. A team of scientists seeking to restore Pluto to planet-hood launched a campaign on Tuesday to broaden the astronomical classifications. And considering Trump wants to get rid of the EPA and build up our nuclear arsenal, we need as many back up planets as possible.

9. According to a new repot, the most expensive place to live in the world is Singapore. Unless you’re a U.S. taxpayer, then the most expensive place to live is Melania’s apartment in Trump Tower.

10. A high school football coach in Washington has been suspended after he allegedly put his dick in a hotdog bun and showed it to his players. Said the coach, “If you have a better way to teach the cover-2 defense, I’d love to hear it.”

March 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to ‘Forbes,’ Microsoft founder Bill Gates is once again the richest man in the world. He regained the title the old fashioned way, by murdering Warren Buffett.

2. New England quarterback Tom Brady’s stolen, game-worn Superbowl jersey was recovered yesterday in Mexico found in the possession of a member of the international media. A story where Tom Brady is the hero and the bad guy is a Mexican journalist, or, as Trump refers to it, a wet dream.

3. Today is world puppetry day. Although some people have been celebrating for a while:

4. According to ‘Forbes,’ Donald Trump is worth $3.5 billion, which is a third of what he claimed he was worth during his presidential campaign. Which means somewhere in Trump Tower Melania is frantically typing 3.5 billion divided by 2 into a calculator.

5. Adidas has been testing a store where shoppers can design a sweater, have a body scan to determine fit and get it knitted by a state-of-the-art machine within hours. “You had me at sweater and full body scan,” said Cosby.

6. Yesterday, Eric Trump, the 33-year-old son of President Trump announced that he and his wife Lara are expecting their first child. Lara will obviously carry and deliver the baby because Eric is allergic to any type of labor.

7. According to a new interview, actor Tom Cruise has been training for over a year for a stunt in the upcoming ‘Mission Impossible’ film. That stunt, kissing a real, live woman.

8. The Cincinnati Zoo recently brought in a dog to take care of three tiger cubs abandoned by their mother. Or, I missed the best episode of ‘Maury’ ever:

9. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. Which is still 15 minutes longer than Melania.

10. In a recent interview, comedian and actor Tim Allen said all the hatred for President Trump in Hollywood makes the town feel “like 1930s Germany.” “That’s not true,” said George Clooney and Mel Gibson for very different reasons.

March 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study found that dogs are capable of lying. “Although, they rarely do it when you really need them to,” said Michael Vick:

2. President Trump recently suggested that chief of staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Makes sense, he can go from selling an orange to selling a lemon.

3. President Trump’s new proposed budget cuts federal funding for public broadcasting programs like ‘Sesame Street.’ Because nothing gives Trump more joy than evicting minorities:

4. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. And, if you think that’s bad, a crazy person has been on the premises for the past 59 days:

5. According to a new study, men who routinely do intense or long workouts may have a lower than average libido. “You may want to reexamine those numbers,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger’s exhausted maid.

6. In a recent interview, Rodrigo Alves, the man known as “The Human Ken Doll,” said after 50 plastic surgeries he can’t breathe properly. Although, to be fair, I doubt there was a time when enough oxygen was ever getting to his brain.

7. According to research, the Tsimane people who live in the forests of Bolivia have the healthiest hearts in the world. In response, former President Bill Clinton asked, “What’s they’re secret?” while current President Donald Trump asked, “What’s a heart?”

8. Hillary Clinton said Friday she’s “ready to come out of the woods” and help Americans find common ground. I wonder what made her want to leave the woods now:

9. The Department of Homeland Security has requested proposals for the Mexican border, saying ideally it should be 30 feet high and the wall facing the U.S. side should be “aesthetically pleasing in color.” And, considering it’s the Trump administration that’s making the request, I’m guessing “aesthetically pleasing in color” means white.

10. Over the weekend, the NSA called allegations from the White House that President Obama directed a British spy agency to wiretap Donald Trump during the presidential campaign “arrant nonsense.” Although it is weird that the NSA misspelled “Aryan.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. According to a new study, Americans drank more bottle water than soda in 2016. So that sound you hear is Michael Bloomberg climaxing.

2. Tuesday night, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow released two pages of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal tax return showing that he paid $38 million on a $150 million income. “Duly noted,” said Melania’s divorce attorney.

3. Tuesday’s release of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal taxes revealed that wife Melania used to spell her name with a “J” as Melanija. The ‘J’ was easy for Melania to drop because luckily Donald knew a guy who had ample experience in removing letters:

4. According to a new study, even if white and black men are the same heights and weights, people tend to perceive black men as taller, more muscular and heavier. Don’t believe me white people? This is what Shaq actually looks like:

5. Chance the Rapper said in a recent interview that he is considering moving back in with his parents. So fuck street cred, Chance the Rapper’s got that cul-de-sac cred.

6. On Monday, when pushed to say whether President Trump has any evidence to support his wiretapping claim, aid Kellyanne Conway said “she’s not Inspector Gadget.” So now we just have to wait for Steve Bannon to type up and release his statement on the matter:

7. This week Snoop Dogg premiered a new music video in which the rapper pulls a gun on a Donald Trump look-a-like. Upon seeing the video, President Trump said, “Why would Ben Carson do such a thing?”

8. According to a new study, Alaska is the state with the highest incidents of sexually transmitted diseases. Alaska is already hard at work making sure they don’t top the list next year by nominating Lindsay Lohan for statehood.

9. Over the weekend, President Trump invited House Republicans skeptical of the Obamacare replacement plan to the White House for a bowling party. Paul Ryan was happy to hear the White House would supply the balls since he apparently lost his a few months ago.

10. A Colorado woman was arrested and charged with trespassing after apparently stalking Tim Tebow at the New York Mets’ spring training facility in Florida. Not much is known about the woman except she’s definitely not an NFL scout.

March 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, four out of five elementary schools students in Oklahoma can’t red a clock. While four out of five elementary school students in China made those clocks.

2. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said on Thursday that President Trump is playing a constructive role in new heath care legislation. And, he’s being such a good boy that he’s gonna get another gold star:

3. President Trump said a decision by a federal judge in Hawaii to issue an emergency halt on Wednesday to his revived travel ban was an example of “unprecedented judicial overreach.” There hasn’t been that bad of a case of overreach since Trump was backstage at the Miss Teen USA pageant.

4. This week, a pastor in Sierra Leone discovered a 706-carat uncut diamond. “So, he’s single?” asked Melania.

5. NBC announced on Tuesday that, beginning next month, “Saturday Night Live” will broadcast live across the country for the first time in the show’s 42-year history. Because why should people on the east coast be the only ones allowed to watch Donald Trump breakdown in real time on Twitter?

6. Grindr, the gay meet-up app, is offering users a new set of patented emojis. Although, I don’t think the eggplant is new.

7. According to ‘The New York Post,’ First Lady Melania couldn’t be convinced to leave her apartment in New York for a photo op at the White House. Said Melania, “I don’t understand why I have to go all the way to D.C. for a photo, we have microwaves here.”

8. A Texas goldfish with a disorder preventing it from controlling its own buoyancy is swimming upright thanks to a “wheelchair” designed by its owner. But just be sure, when he dies, to flush him down the handicapped toilet.

9. After robbing a bank, a Virginia man went to a Taco Bell and told a police officer he “did something stupid.” But, to be fair, no one ends up at a Taco Bell because they did something smart.

10. A blind woman from Maine says she and her service dog were kicked off an American Airlines flight after she requested a different seat. But, in American Airlines’ defense, she was requesting the pilot’s seat.

11. A Brazilian soccer team has signed goalkeeper Bruno Fernandes de Souza following his release from prison for the murder of his girlfriend and the subsequent feeding of her body to his dogs. Begging the question, can O.J. play soccer?

12. In a recent interview, Brazilian President Michel Temer said ghosts drove him out of the country’s presidential residence. Which is why officials have told Steve Bannon not to wear his hood around the White House:

13. In a recent interview, Eric Trump said the Trump brand “is the hottest it’s ever been.” Coincidentally, a phrase that, thanks to Scott Pruitt, has deleted from all EPA materials.

14. A series of tweets by White House spokesman Sean Spicer on Friday commenting on strong February job creation figures may have run afoul of federal guidance barring most officials from commenting on key economic data within an hour of its release. When reached for comment Spicer yelled, “NO YOU RAN AFOUL OF FEDERAL GUIDELINES!!”

15. U.S. officials said on Friday, ahead of their upcoming meeting, that President Donald Trump will ask German Chancellor Angela Merkel for advice on how to deal with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Trump, “And don’t say ‘mind the balls’ because I’m already doing that.”

16. A brown bear broke out of its cage at a zoo in northern Germany on Saturday and was shot dead by a zoo keeper after shocked visitors were led to safety. Or, as Betsy DeVos thinks of it, education.

17. A man carrying a backpack with mace and a letter for President Donald Trump was arrested Friday night after he breached security at the White House. Although, if he really wanted Trump to listen to his message he should have breached security at ‘Fox & Friends.’

18. According to a nuclear weapons expert, North Korea will likely have a reliable intercontinental ballistic missile capable of striking and destroying the U.S. within the next five years. “I can do it in four,” said Trump.

19. Nathan Daniel Larson is running for Virginia’s state House of Delegates after spending 16 months in jail for threatening to kill President Obama in 2009. Which explains his campaign poster:

20. According to a new study, Americans drank more bottle water than soda in 2016. So that sound you hear is Michael Bloomberg climaxing.

March 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tuesday night, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow released two pages of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal tax return showing that he paid $38 million on a $150 million income. “Duly noted,” said Melania’s divorce attorney.

2. Tuesday’s release of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal taxes revealed that wife Melania used to spell her name with a “J” as Melanija. The ‘J’ was easy for Melania to drop because luckily Donald knew a guy who had ample experience in removing letters:

3. Yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions called marijuana a “life-wrecking dependency … that’s only slightly less awful” than heroin. So, either Sessions got his hands on some really good weed or some really shitty heroin.

4. On Wednesday, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said President Trump helped write the GOP healthcare plan. And you can tell he helped because “Donald Putin” surrounded by hearts is handwritten in the margins.

5. This week, Congress has received a petition to research obsessive-compulsion disorder. They received it after some rang their doorbell 82 times, no more, no less.

6. Over the weekend, Japan held its annual Penis Festival. And even though they held the penis festival, they made sure to cup the balls.

7. Yesterday it was noticed that the term ‘White House’ was misspelled on an official government website. That story again, the hiring of Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education is already having an affect.

8. On Tuesday, right-wing website Brietbart released an audio recording of Paul Ryan trashing Donald Trump back in October. But, in Ryan’s defense, he might have a valid excuse like his words were taken out of context or he was in a locker room at the time.

9. The San Francisco home made famous by the TV show ‘Full House’ is up for sale. It’s nice and very spacious, perfect for roommates, which is great because Dave Coulier has been squatting in the basement for the past 23 years.

10. Previously unseen candid photos of Adolf Hitler are set to be auctioned off later this week. And, in completely unrelated news, Steve Bannon was spotted at a local Walmart buying a ton of empty picture frames.

March 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, even if white and black men are the same heights and weights, people tend to perceive black men as taller, more muscular and heavier. Don’t believe me, this is what Shaq actually looks like:

2. Yesterday, Florida Senator Marco Rubio said rapper Snoop Dogg shouldn’t have shot a toy gun at a clown dressed up like President Trump in his newest music video. Because, apparently. the news is now sponsored by Mad Libs.

3. Former North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory, who was responsible for instituting the state’s transgender bathroom ban, says it’s hard for him to find a new job because people think he’s a bigot. Hmmm, have you considered running for president?

4. Chance the Rapper said in a recent interview that he is considering moving back in with his parents. So fuck street cred, Chance the Rapper got that cul-de-sac cred now.

5. Last month, drug enforcement agents in Florida seized 5,500 packets of heroin stamped with President Trump’s image and name. So, that makes Trump-brand heroin the second worst thing associated with Trump that you can be injected with:

6. President Donald Trump is set to sign an order to greatly reduce the role climate change plays in decision making across the U.S. government. Trump doesn’t want to take care of the environment for future generations, but, in his defense, you wouldn’t either if this is what you thought of when you heard the phrase ‘future genertions’:

7. President Donald Trump met with Saudi Arabia’s Deputy Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman at the White House on Tuesday. Where they discussed pressing issues like “How’d you get in here?” and “Secret Service patted you down first, right?”

8. A South Korean animal rights group has filed a complaint against former president Park Geun-hye for abandoning nine pet dogs in the presidential residence after being removed from office this week. And, if the group is upset about that, they’re gonna be really pissed when they find out Geun-hye had ten dogs before her last presidential dinner.

9. Iowa Representative Steve King said Monday that blacks and Hispanics “will be fighting each other” before overtaking whites in the US population. And, I imagine this is how King sees that playing out in his mind:

10. Adult entertainment site Pornhub is sending out a fleet of branded trucks to clean Boston’s streets for free today after yesterday’s snowstorm. Because, when you think about it, who knows more about plowing?