January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

December 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, President Trump called for national voter I.D. laws and accused people of voting illegally, saying, “They go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again.” And, just like that, Melania has a new escape plan:

melania hat

2. According to a report, President Trump has two iPhones, one that he uses for calls and one that he uses for Twitter. And also a third phone on which he can call Grover:

trump phone

3. During the recent G20 Summit in Argentina, President Trump was caught on a hot mic saying “Get me out here.” Which I can only assumes means the room he wanted to leave contained either a book, a treadmill or Eric. 

4. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. And, in related news, the people in that lady’s will have asked Taco Bell to change their slogan from ‘Live Mas’ to “You Had a Good Run.” 

5. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. She said she wanted to celebrate in a place where she was the healthiest person in the room.

6. In her upcoming memoir “Becoming,” former First Lady Michelle Obama reveals that she stopped even trying to smile during President Trump’s inauguration. “The key is to imagine you’re anywhere else,” said Melania.

7. Nebraska recently revealed it’s new tourism slogan, “Nebraska: Honestly, it’s not for everyone.” “Message received,” said black people.

8. Last month, Ethiopia appointed the country’s first female president. Because you can’t scream “but her emails,” when you don’t even have the internet.

9. A woman in the U.K. claims to have had sex with twenty ghosts. A lady who is attracted to pale figures from a bygone age or, as she is more commonly known, Karen Pence.

10. Last week, a Mandarin duck native to China and Japan was spotted in Central Park. It was spotted blocking the sidewalk as New York City ducks were trying to get to work in the morning.

11. Rapper 50 Cent continued his long-standing feud with fellow-rapper Ja Rule by buying 200 front row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty. So I can’t wait to find out what Donald Trump did to piss off 50 Cent:

trump crowd

12. A 69-year-old man in the Netherlands is suing his local government so he can legally lower his age by more than twenty year because he identifies as a 45-year-old in an effort to meet more women on Tinder. That story again, a man in the Netherlands is the only person not lying about his age on Tinder.

13. Last week, President Trump floated the idea of the U.S. charging tariffs on wines imported from France. In response, the fourth hour of the Today Show has succeeded from America.

14. In a recently published study, scientists determined that, in the near future, self-driving cars will be used for sex. That story again, Kit has seen some shit:

kitt

15. A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at auction this weekend. That story again, they are auctioning off a bed that has never been slept in by Hillary Clinton.

16. According to a new survey, 49 percent of men do not considering kissing someone else cheating. That story again, 49 percent of men took a survey not standing next to their significant other.

17. Starbucks announced that it will start blocking customers from accessing pornography on their in-store wi-fi in 2019. Which explains Dunkin Donuts new slogan “Welcome Creeps!”

18. Last week, while paying his respects to the late George H.W. Bush, former Republican  Bob Dole rose form his wheelchair and saluted the former president. Which has got to be the absolute best outcome from a story that includes the words ‘Bob Dole’ and ‘rose’:

dole

19. A new study has found that there is strong and consistent evidence that James Bond has a chronic alcohol consumption problem that is on the severe end of the spectrum. That story again, scientists have too much time on their hands.

20. This past week, Russia’s state-of-the-art robot was revealed to be a man in a robot costume. Man, Russia is so far behind the times, in the U.S. we already have a robot in a man costume:

romney robot

January 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A group of Egyptian soccer players have formed a team for one-legged players. That story again, a group of Egyptians invented foosball:

2. According to a soon-to-be released book, President Trump strips the linens off his own bed in the White House. Or, as it is known when he’s in Russia, destroying the evidence.

3. In response to Steve Bannon’s recent critical comments, President Trump said, “When [Bannon] was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind.” And, according to Anthony Scaramucci, he also lost a few ribs:

4. According to excerpts from an upcoming tell-all book, First Lady Melania Trump didn’t want Donald to win the presidency, and cried on election night. But, to be fair, Melania cries most nights.

5. On Tuesday, Utah Senator Orinn Hatch announced that he is retiring after serving over four decades in Congress. Hopefully they’ll be able to find another old white guy somewhere in Utah to replace him.

6. Vin Diesel was the highest grossing actor of 2017. While Kevin Spacey was the gross-est.

7. According to Google, ‘Hurricane Irma’ and ‘Matt Lauer’ were among the top searched terms of 2017. Apparently people were interested in finding out more about a devastating event that ruined many peoples lives and Hurricane Irma.

8. On Monday, 400 fans braved 2-degree temperatures to greet the Bills at Buffalo Niagara International Airport after Buffalo beat Miami Sunday to clinch its first playoff berth in 17 years. Because nothing says celebration like leaving Miami for Buffalo in the middle of December.

9. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Said Lauer, “Two women … NICE!”

10. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Which means Hoda will leave her current role as co-host of the ‘Today Show’s’ fourth hour and co-host Kathie Lee will question if Hoda ever existed or was just a Chardonnay-fueled hallucination.

11. President Trump rang in the new year the same way he has for more than a decade, holding an opulent gala at his Mar-a-Lago club. While Melania also rang in the new year in her typical fashion, by being as far away from Donald as possible when the clock struck midnight

12. President Trump said on Monday the United States has “foolishly” handed Pakistan more than $33 billion in aid over the last 15 years while getting nothing in return. Which explains Trump’s new nickname for Pakistan, “Don Jr.”

13. After five and half years, Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen & Bar restaurant in Times Square is closing its doors. “Thank God, it was really bringing property values in the area down,” said a guy in an Elmo costume masturbating in an alley.

14. According to new research, people who drink hot tea daily may be less likely to develop glaucoma symptoms. Which means the Queen smokes the ganj because she’s chill as fuck:

15. Boxer Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana resort on 40-acres of land in the remote Mojave Desert. A boxer with a notorious quick temper and an unlimited supply of mood altering drugs all taking place on a piece of land very far away from civilization, what could go wrong?

December 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent report, President Trump watches up to eight hours of TV a day. But, in Trump’s defense, sometimes Blue’s clues are tricky and he has to re-watch an entire episode to figure it out.

2. A Massachusetts man is accused of catching a 400-pound tuna out of season and then dumping the carcass in the woods. A Massachusetts man killed something by pulling it out of the water, or as it’s know around those parts, a reverse Ted Kennedy.

3. A New York man who ran naked across the field during a Buffalo Bills blowout loss was sentenced to 25 hours of community service and $400 in fines. Although the man got off easy since the other option the judge was considering was forcing him to attend another Bills game.

4. Special Counsel Robert Mueller unveiled evidence showing that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort violated a gag order by ghost-writing an article to bolster his public image. Although I can’t think of anything Manafort could write that would bolster his image, unless, of course, it’s his own obit.

5. Google has begun offering a new search feature that shows videos of celebrities answering commonly asked questions about themselves. For instance, Kim Kardashian claims her butt is real, Will Ferrell confirms that he can play the drums and Richard Gere says he’s never even owned a hamster.

6. Last week, Orthodox Jewish singer Yonatan Razel blindfolded himself with duct tape to avoid seeing female fans dancing in the audience. Razel’s wife called him “very religious” while Ray Charles called him “fucking ungrateful.”

7. An Arizona woman was arrested last week on suspicion of DUI after driving down the highway the wrong way, dancing on top of her car and stealing a kid’s scooter to try to make a getaway. Which explains Arizona’s new state motto; “Your move, Florida.”

8. Authorities say an Idaho man tried to crash his car into a courthouse in downtown Boise because he was upset with the court system. Which, I guess means Billy Joel was upset with his neighbor’s pool.

9. Twitter is hosting an event next month that will feature only high-profile female speakers. To prepare, Vice President Pence has already barricaded himself in his bomb shelter.

10. On Monday, chef Mario Batali announced that he is stepping away from his restaurant business and TV show amid allegations of sexual misconduct, saying he is “deeply sorry” for any pain or humiliation he has caused. That surprising story again, a guy who wears orange crocs everyday has the capacity to feel shame.

11. An Egyptian court jailed a singer for two years on Tuesday for inciting debauchery after she appeared in a music video in her underwear and suggestively eating a banana. Or, as Paris Hilton calls it, a career.

12. A 31-year-old teacher in Texas was arrested Tuesday following an alleged relationship with a minor she reportedly met while volunteering at church. But, on the plus-side, that kid is definitely gonna believe in God now.

13. On Tuesday night, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore lost the Alabama special Senate election after riding a horse to the polling place earlier in the day. But, since this is the South, Alabama has already built a monument featuring Moore on that horse to memorialize his defeat.

14. According to reports, former-Today Show host Matt Lauer, who was fired due to sexual harassment allegations, plans to disappear from the public eye by playing golf and living in the Hamptons. So, that’ll teach him.

15. Experts say that Alabama Senate hopeful Roy Moore lost the election because of write-in candidates. That crazy story again, there are people in Alabama who can write.

16. On Wednesday, an Airbus plane in Germany, took a route that mapped out the image of a Christmas tree that could be clearly seen on flight radar sites. Upon hearing the news, Delta asked “what’s the point?” while Malaysia Airlines asked “what’s a radar?”

17. Roy Moore refused to concede the Alabama Senate race Tuesday night, saying, “God is always in control.” Adding, “Well God and Reggie Bradshaw, head of security at the Westlake Mall in Gadsen, Alabama.

18. According to reports, after being fired, Omarosa Manigault Newman had to be forcibly removed from the White House by Secret Service. Secret Service said it was a nice change of pace to drag a woman against her will AWAY from the White House:

19. A baby in the U.K., born with her heart outside her body, survived a surgery this week to insert it back into her chest. Not to be outdone, Paul Ryan has been living for 47 years without a backbone.

20. A convicted pedophile was not allowed to board a flight leaving Australia on Wednesday, when a law barring registered child sex offenders from international travel took effect. As a result, some offenders have resorted to older forms of transportation:

December 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Parents are outraged at a Beijing kindergarten over charges that their children were fed pills, jabbed with needles and forced to strip. But, in the school’s defense, those iPhones weren’t gonna make themselves.

2. An expectant Arkansas couple who love Olive Garden plan to name their child, due in December, Olivia Garton. They named their first son Fuddruckers, not because they like that restaurant, but because they fucking hate that kid.

3. A United Airlines flight arriving from Germany was forced to land with four blown tires Sunday at Newark Liberty International Airport. Oh my god, what a nightmare, can you imagine having to land in New Jersey.

4. Dictionary.com has chosen ‘complicit’ as 2017’s word of the year. The website went with ‘complicit’ because apparently ‘MotherFuckingShitHowIsAnyOfThisReal’ isn’t a word.

5. This week, First Lady Melania Trump decorated the White House for the holidays:

6. A Bosnian war criminal died in a courtroom on Wednesday after drinking poison upon hearing that his 20-year jail term had been upheld. Said the judge, “Oops, wait, I meant not guilty.”

7. 92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury is facing criticism after saying women “must sometimes take blame” for sexual harassment because of the way they dress. Say what you will, but it is refreshing to hear a 92-year-old not blame something on ‘the Orientals.’

8. Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy for best audiobook. Thus marking the first time Phil Spector won’t have the most messed up hair in the room:

9. On Wednesday, NBC News fired longtime ‘Today Show’ host Matt Lauer for “inappropriate sexual behavior.” Which should make the next “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” bit pretty easy:

10. According to a new study, people with OCD are less likely to go to college compared with peers who don’t have the disorder. Which explains why Michigan State’s new major “Doorknob Touching” is so under-subscribed.

11. Viagra can now be bought over-the-counter, without a prescription in Britain. “Ah, fuck,” said Queen Elizabeth:

12. White House press secretary Sarah Sanders defended President Trump’s decision to retweet a series of anti-Muslim videos on Wednesday morning, telling reporters that it doesn’t matter if the videos are real, he circulated them to start a conversation. That conversation: What the fuck is wrong with our president?

13. According to a new study, being married may reduce your risk of developing dementia. That incredible study again, President Trump could be worse.

14. A new study found that a dermatologist was just as accurate in diagnosing children’s skin conditions from smartphone photos taken by parents as the doctors who saw the kids in person. “But only pictures taken by parents?” asked Anthony Weiner.

15. A judge on Tuesday sided with President Trump in a legal battle over who should be in charge of the U.S. consumer finance watchdog. The ruling was historic, not because the issue was novel, but because Trump actually won in court.

16. Stanford running-back and Heisman contender Bryce Love says he wants to be a pediatrician. “That’s two things we have in common,” said college football coach Jerry Sandusky.

17. On Thursday, Republican Congressman Joe Barton of Texas said he will not seek re-election after a nude picture of him appeared on the internet earlier this month. If that’s what it takes to get someone to not run for re-election, it’s not worth it:

18. A South African beauty who helps train women in self-defense was crowned Miss Universe on Sunday. For the talent portion of the contest, she single-handedly kept Donald Trump out of the dressing room.

May 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, Vice President Mike Pence will host a Cinco de Mayo celebration at the White House. The only way picking Pence for that job makes sense is if they thought ‘Mayo’ was short for mayonnaise.

2. According to reports, the first call President Trump made after the House repealed Obamacare yesterday was to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to tell him the “ball’s in your court now.” And, from the look of him, in his neck as well:

3. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up a copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. He also bragged about his son Eric by holding up his most recent finger-painting.

4. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. “Jesus Christ,” said everyone in the room.

5. Yesterday, President Trump returned to New York City for the first time since taking office. A lot has changed since the last time he was there including the color of the leaves on the trees and the locks on the door to the apartment he shares with Melania.

6. Florida authorities have charged a woman with prostitution after she agreed to perform a sex act on an undercover detective for $25 and Chicken McNuggets. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, a dinner date.

7. It was announced this week that Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, co-hosts of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ are engaged. So, you’re move Matt Lauer and Al Roker.

8. An Egyptian woman, believed to be the world’s heaviest woman, left an Indian hospital on Thursday more than 600 pounds lighter. Although, technically, she didn’t leave the building, they found it easier to leave her in one place and move the hospital.

9. Twitter has reached an agreement to stream live WNBA games next season. Thus providing sports fans a new way to completely ignore women’s basketball.

10. According to ‘the Washington Post,’ President Trump has mentioned the election results on 68 of the 176 days since the election. Presumably because the other 108 days he was too busy golfing.

11. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. Here’s a picture of the guy:

12. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains down the toilets of baseball stadiums across the country. Or, more likely, a dead plumber thought he had a better friend.

13. On Tuesday, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro called for a rewrite of the country’s Constitution which he said would quell protests. “A president can do that?” asked Trump.

14. A woman in Florida was arrested for assaulting a man who refused to stop playing a xylophone. “Fuck,” said the officer who had to write up that police report.

15. On Monday, Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, referred to President Trump ordering the Syrian missile strike while eating at Mar-a-Lago as “after dinner entertainment.” Which is why I wanted Chris Christie to be president, because there’s never any after dinner entertainment when you can’t figure out when one meal ends and the next begins.

16. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And, in future news, President Trump has declared war on Nordstroms.

17. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad and added that a government shutdown fight be inevitable if they do not act better. Adding, “I swear to God I’ll turn this car around!”

18. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was spotted at a highway rest-stop waiting in line at a Cinnabon. So, my apologies to the people behind Christie in line who never even had a chance at getting a cinnamon bun.

19. Researchers have discovered the some female dragonflies pretend to be dead to avoid male dragonflies. “Trust me, I’ve tried,” said Melania.

20. In a recent interview, President Trump said he is both “a nationalist and a globalist.” I guess I never really looked at those hats close enough:

21. According to reports, President Trump reversed his position on NAFTA after his Secretaries of Commerce and Agriculture showed him a map of the U.S. and pointed out the areas that would be affected. Said Trump, “There’s a north Dakota, too!?!”

22. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local IHOP. Even worse, the condom was sticky, and she hadn’t even poured the syrup on yet.


23. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier, has undergone gender reassignment in a rare operation after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. As a result, Molly has no idea which fire hydrant to use in North Carolina.

24. The EPA removed most climate change information from its website Friday, saying in a press release that language on the website is being updated to “reflect the approach of new leadership.” Begging the question, can a website just be a fart noise.

25. Last week, a New York man in need of brake lines crashed his car into an auto parts store. As a result, there are only two Pep Boys now.

January 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Brunhilde Pomsel, the private secretary of the Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels during World War II, has died at 106. War veteran John McCain called her “a mouth piece for evil,” while White House press secretary Sean Spicer called her, “an inspiration.”

2. A spokesperson for Angela Merkel said that during their recent telephone call, the German Chancellor had to explain the Geneva Convention to President Trump. A task that proved to be very difficult because over the phone Trump couldn’t see the sock puppets.

3. On Monday, President Trump accused Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer of crying “fake tears” when talking about the newly instituted travel ban. And, to his credit, Trump is an expert at spotting real tears since Melania wakes up screaming and crying every morning.

4. Richard Spencer, a leading white nationalist, said he was a “mentor” to Stephen Miller, one of President Trump’s closest advisors, while they were both at Duke University. Which means at least one thing, Miller doesn’t know how to take a punch:
spencer

5. According to reports, Megyn Kelly is being considered for a morning show on NBC, possibly bumping the third hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Tamron Hall and Al Roker. While the fourth hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Hoda and Kathie Lee will be replaced by party blower and a bottle of Vicodin:
today-show

6. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in the Netherlands in October. This year’s keynote speaker, as it has been every year, will be Ann Romney.

7. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in Eindehoven, Netherlands on October 26th. So, needless-to-say, the line at the breakfast buffet at the Eindhoven Holiday Inn to use the toaster is gonna be very long that day.

8. Under a new rule, goaltenders in the National Hockey League will soon have to wear pants with a more contoured fit. Critics blame the new rule on the rise of hipster goaltenders:
hockey-goal

9. A petition to prevent President Donald Trump from making an official visit to the United Kingdom was exceeded a million signatures. Even worse, when Trump counted, it was over 3 million signatures.

10. Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat escaped from the National Zoo in D.C. on Monday. Man, if only there were a professional pussy grabber around Washington to capture him.

January 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During Sunday night’s Golden Globes, Meryl Streep gave an acceptance speech that was critical of President-elect Donald Trump, without once mentioning his name. Which was difficult because reporters kept asking who she was wearing:
streep

2. Monday morning, Donald Trump responded to a speech given by Meryl Streep at Sunday night’s Golden Globes that was critical of the President-elect. Said Trump, “Meryl Streep is an overrated actress, the child she didn’t pick in ‘Sophie’s Choice’ should consider herself the lucky one.”

3. Sunday night, pornstar Jenna Jameson took to twitter to denounce Meryl Streep’s anti-Trump speech at the Golden Globes. The two have more in common than you think, one is an experienced actor with three Oscars, while the other has experience taking on three Oscars.

4. While presenting an award at Sunday Night’s Golden Globes, actor Jon Hamm called the facial hair trend amongst the men in the room “a beard parade.” And then, purely out of reflex, Kelly Preston said, “No, I’m not.”
 
5. “Escape to Margaritaville,” a musical dedicated to the songs of Jimmy Buffett, is heading to Broadway in the spring of 2018. So if you’re disappointed that you can’t get tickets to “Hamilton” here’s a great way to add to that disappointment.
 
6. While reporting from the Golden Globes red carpet, “Today” show correspondent Jenna Bush incorrectly combined the name of two movies with predominately African American casts, “Hidden Figures” and “Fences,” into “Hidden Fences.” It’s like I’ve told you before, Jenna Bush doesn’t care about black people movies.

7. On Monday, Donald Trump’s transition team announced that the President-elect’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, will become a senior White House adviser. In the statement, Trump referred to Kushner as the son he always wanted.

8. In a recent interview, the number two golfer in the world, Rory McIlroy, revealed that Tiger Woods sends him texts early in the morning. Which can mean only one thing, McIlroy is saved under ‘Rory’ in Tiger’s phone and he thinks it’s a girl.
 
9. According to a new report from the Department of Agriculture, a middle-income, married couple is estimated to spend $233,610 to raise a child born in 2015. And, in unrelated news, Casey Anthony just bought a new Corvette!

10. A man in West Virginia confessed to shooting his semen at female shoppers at a local WalMart store. But, in the man’s defense, his job title is official WalMart skeeter.

October 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. When Mike Pence was asked to respond to an 11-year-old girl’s questions about body image and female objectification, the Republican vice presidential nominee responded by talking about foreign policy. Not one to shy away from a question, Pence’s running mate, Donald Trump, gave her body an 8, but her face a 5.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is calling for there to be a drug test ahead of the third and final presidential debate. And, in related news, can you do Gary Johnson a solid and pee in this cup for him?

3. Donald Trump said in a 2004 interview with Howard Stern about Lindsay Lohan that “deeply troubled” women are “always the best in bed.” Although, I’m not sure he has much in way of comparison because I can’t think of any other type of woman who would get into bed with Donald Trump.

4. Last week, an aggravated circuit judge in Jackson County dis-robed and helped tackle a defiant man during a hearing on a personal protection order violation. Just like Judge Judy has done so many times in my dreams.

5. A vineyard in Italy dispenses free, locally-made wine to the public 24 hours a day. So what, we have something like that here in America, it’s called the fourth hour of “the Today Show.”

6. Last week, a man in California was attacked by bears after interrupting them while they were having sex. But, on the plus-side, that’s technically a threesome.

7. Last week, a man in the U.K. had to have his penis amputated after getting it stuck for four days in bottle he was using as sex toy. Which is going to make for a very weird addition to the man’s ship-in-a-bottle collection.

8. After the latest episode of “Saturday Night Live,” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump took to Twitter and said, “Watched Saturday Night Live hit job on me. Time to retire the boring and unfunny show.” The only thing that would have made Trump more upset is if SNL hadn’t mentioned him at all.

9. An Italian porn director has opened up a school dubbed ‘Porn University’ to teach aspiring adult film stars the tricks of the trade. To be accepted as an actress, all you need is a clean health report and a letter of recommendation from your step-father or uncle.

10. NBC announced Friday it has pulled a Donald Trump-themed episode of “Law & Order: SVU” featuring a rich politician whose campaign goes off the rails after several women come forward with damaging accusations. Unfortunately, the country’s ongoing episode of “Fear Factor” will continue:
ballot

July 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During his acceptance speech at last night’s Republican Convention, Donald Trump said, “I will work to ensure that all of our kids are treated equally.” Adding, “This includes Ivanka and those other three.”

2. Last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton a puppet for big business lobbyists, saying they pull her strings. Then he told Chris Christie to fetch him a glass of water.

3. During his speech last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “at our convention, there will be no lies.” And then, despite what he had just said, Trump kept talking.

4. Last night, Donald Trump capped off the Republican National Convention with a speech accepting the party’s nomination. Surprisingly, the 20,562-seat capacity arena that hosted the event was able to squeeze in literally tens of people in addition to Trump’s ego.

5. During her speech last night, Ivanka Trump spoke of her father saying, “he taught us there is nothing we cannot accomplish if we marry vision and passion with an enduring work ethic.” Adding, “while Melanie taught us there is nothing we cannot accomplish if we marry.”

6. As part of her speech last night, Ivanka Trump defended her father by saying, “he is colorblind.” Yeah, obviously:
orange trump

7. While speaking of her childhood and her father’s business empire, Ivanka Trump claimed that, “when run properly, construction sites are true meritocracies.” So I guess it’s just a coincidence that all of his company’s top executives have the last name Trump.

8. A 17-year-old Kansas teen who was fired for asking her boss why she made less than her male co-workers will speak at next week’s Democratic Convention. Which is only fair since the manager who fired her spoke at the Republican Convention.

9. Senator Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi was escorted off the floor of the Republican convention on Wednesday night as delegates booed her husband’s refusal to endorse Donald Trump in his speech. Fortunately, Heidi is used to uncomfortable political exits:
Cruz Elbow

10. Luciano Pavarotti’s family has asked Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump to stop using a recording of the late opera singer’s song “Nessun Dorma” in his election campaign. Said the family, “Luciano would be rolling in his grave if that were a physical possibility.”

11. McDonald’s has had to stop selling the Big Mac in Venezuela due to a country-wide bread shortage. Suspiciously, sales of the Big Mac went unaffected by prior beef shortages.

12. A man cooking his own urine caused the evacuation of a Massachusetts apartment complex. To get an idea of the odor, just ride the G train on a hot day.

13. Visa said on Wednesday that it had signed sponsorship deals with all ten members of the International Olympic Committee refugee team that will compete this summer in Rio. Which makes more sense than it’s previous endorsement with American Express, because reminding people to not leave home without it necessitates you to have a home in the first place.

14. On Monday, the website Slate noted the National Chairman of the Young Republicans is a 38-year-old suburban father of three. Which is not that old when compared to the party’s views on women and African-Americans.

15. During a interview with ’60 Minutes’ that aired on Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said that winning the evangelical vote proves that he’s religious. He also knows he won the white supremacist vote, right?

16. According to reports, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was calling his advisors the night before announcing Mike Pence as his VP to see if he could change his mind. The last time he changed his mind so quickly, Marla took half.

17. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. But, in the grandson’s defense, his grandparents always told him not to put them in a home and this is the exact opposite of that.

18. Researchers say that older, married couples with the same drinking habits tend to be happier than couples where only one partner drinks. Counterpoint, Dina and Michael Lohan.

19. A new company has come out with a line of handbags made from old airplane seat fabric. Unsurprisingly, you can never find your keys in the purse made from Malaysian Airline seats.

20. A Canadian rehab facility is treating alcoholism by giving its patients wine on the hour, every hour. Here’s a picture of the controversial treatment at work:
4th hour