July 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, President Trump said Russian President Vladimir Putin would be happier if Hillary Clinton were in the White House now. Or, as it’s more commonly referred to, buyer’s remorse.

2. Yesterday, a chunk of ice the size of Delaware broke off from Antartica. Which is impressive because if Delaware broke off the from U.S., I’m pretty sure it would take weeks before anyone noticed.

3. A funeral home in Michigan was shut down after authorities found an infestation of maggots. And, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but authorities also found a shit ton of dead bodies.

4. Some tech experts in Silicon Valley now believe that a robot would make a better president than a human. “Too late America, you had your chance,” said Mitt Romney.

5. On Wednesday, the Sri Lankan navy rescued a struggling elephant after he was swept out to sea. Heres a photo taken moments before the incident:

6. Tuesday night, co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ Joe Scarborough, announced that he is leaving the Republican party. And, if recent history is any guide, I assume he’s leaving the Republican party for Mika Brzezinski.

7. Tuesday night, co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ Joe Scarborough, announced that he is leaving the Republican party. Said the Republican party, “Oh no, where are we gonna find a replacement for a preppy, middle-aged white guy with glasses?”

8. According to a new survey, roughly four-in-ten Americans have personally experienced online harassment. “ONLINE harassment? I guess I’m just old fashioned,” said Bill O’Reilly.

9. A new mom, who tracked every penny she spent, determined that her 18-month-old baby cost her $20,000. You think that’s bad, Donald Trump’s kid just cost him the presidency.

10. This week, Pope Francis announced a new, fourth route to sainthood. The way it works is, if someone mentions their wife and you don’t follow it up with an impression of Borat saying “my wife,” you’re a fucking saint.

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