10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. This week, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump insulted rival John Kasich’s eating habits, saying he needs to learn to take “little bites.” Which is easy for Trump to say because his tiny little hands can’t pick up nearly enough food to fill his gigantic mouth.

2. Last week, 29-year-old Jonathan Nicola was arrested for pretending to be a 17-year-old high school basketball players, but the Sudanese immigrant claims he wasn’t lying about his age but instead just didn’t know how old he was. “That’s novel, I never thought to argue that I didn’t know who old I was,” said Jared from Subway.

3. According to a new study, people with several plants around their house tend to live longer. Begging the question, does Larry King live in the rainforest?

4. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. Luckily, the school won’t have to change their mascot since they were already the Orangemen.

5. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. Although nap-time will continue to be named after Ben Carson.

6. In an interview with the Washington Post, Ohio Governor John Kasich said, “My Republican party doesn’t like ideas.” Especially one specific idea:

kasich

7. A Florida man was arrested on Friday after it was discovered that he had been soliciting sex with dogs on Craigslist. You can see it on next week’s edition of NBC’s “To Fetch a Predator.”

8. In a new interview, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump said acting presidential is easy. ”I beg to differ,” said anyone who saw Jamie Foxx in ‘White House Down.’

9. Announcing her support for Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders and denouncing rival Hillary Clinton’s “bullying tactics,” actress Rosario Dawson said, “I’m with Monica Lewinsky.” A phrase that previously only got you a discount at the dry cleaners.

10. According to a new study, men who ejaculate often may have a lower risk of prostate cancer than their peers who don’t do it as frequently. So, I guess that guy on the city bus is gonna live forever.

April 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. While giving a speech in the Indiana gym made famous by the movie “Hoosiers,” Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz incorrectly referred to the basketball hoop as a ‘basketball ring.’ Because, as the Brooklyn Nets will tell you, there are no rings in basketball.

2. A British couple set off on a vacation to Las Vegas only to discover they’d booked flights from Birmingham, Alabama, rather than Birmingham, UK. But, to be fair, sounds like those geniuses would fit in quite well in Alabama.

3. Caitlyn Jenner posted a video on Wednesday of herself using a women’s bathroom at Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s New York hotel. But I think the most interesting part of that story is that Trump’s buildings have women’s restrooms.

4. An Oklahoma state legislator has apologized after saying in the legislature last week that Native Americans are pre-disposed to alcohol abuse. “Actually he’s right,” said Drives with Suspended License.

5. A pizza shop in Brooklyn has introduced a new delivery box made entirely out of pizza. But, in Papa John’s defense, the box their pizza comes in has always been more edible than their pizza.

6. Authorities say a New Jersey man who owes $12,000 in unpaid EZ Pass tolls has had his black Mercedes Benz impounded and is facing charges. And, I know it seems steep, but trust me you’d gladly pay $12,000 to get out of New Jersey.

7. During Donald Trump’s victory speech Tuesday night, Chris Christie’s wife Pat appeared to roll her eyes when Trump said that Hillary was playing “the woman card.” But Pat explained she was just doing her best impression of Melania.

8. In a speech on Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump rolled out an “America First” foreign policy plan. “America’s at the top of our list too,” said North Korea, Iran, Russia and Syria.

9. According to a new study, people with several plants around their house tend to live longer. “Do vegetables count?” said Sumner Redstone’s wife.

10. Kellogg’s is set to introduce new soda-flavored PopTarts. They are perfect for anyone who loves soda but always wished it was somehow worse for you.

11. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. And, in keeping with its new namesake, the school day will no longer be divided up by periods, but instead they will be called ‘blood coming out of her where-evers.’

12. On Tuesday, archaeologists in Taiwan found a 4,800-year-old human fossil of a mother holding an infant child in her arms. 4,800 years of coddling and you thought your mother was over-protective.

13. When talking about rival John Kasich on Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “I’ve never seen human being eat in such a disgusting fashion.” So I guess the meeting where Chris Christie endorsed Trump wasn’t a lunch meeting.

14. Dog Whisiper Cesar Milan announced yesterday that he is engaged to his long-time girlfriend. Expert give the marriage a high chance of lasting a real long time because Milan told her to ‘stay.’

15. A taco restaurant in Spokane, Washington is offering hard-partying, former Cleveland Brown and currently unemployed Johnny Manziel a job. “That’s fine, but he better not cut into my shifts,” said Tim Tebow.

16. A new ‘Noah’s Ark’ theme park in Kentucky was destroyed in a flood last week. But, on the plus-side, at least the people of Kentucky got a much-needed bath.

17. A woman who gained notoriety online for looking like Ted Cruz is being paid $10,000 to appear in a pornographic movie. While the same porn company continues to pay Cruz $10,000 not to do porn.

18. Former Pennsylvania U.S. Sen. Harris Wofford announced Sunday that he is marrying a man almost 20 years after his wife died. Sounds like someone’s been reaching across the aisle.

19. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich said his campaign is looking at potential running mates in the event he secures the nomination. Which is as pointless as Honey Boo Boo saving up for college.

20. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich said his campaign is looking at potential running mates in the event he secures the nomination. Kasich is looking for someone who can match his values, enthusiasm and delusion.

April 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump insulted rival John Kasich’s eating habits, saying he needs to learn to take “little bites.” Which is easy for Trump to say because his tiny little hands can’t pick up nearly enough food to fill his gigantic mouth.

2. Last week, 29-year-old Jonathan Nicola was arrested for pretending to be a 17-year-old high school basketball players, but the Sudanese immigrant claims he wasn’t lying about his age but instead just didn’t know how old he was. “That’s novel, I never thought to argue that I didn’t know who old I was,” said Jared from Subway.

3. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz on Wednesday named former business executive Carly Fiorina as his vice presidential running mate. They always say “behind every great man is a great woman,” that doesn’t apply here, I just like that saying.

4. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz on Wednesday named former business executive Carly Fiorina as his vice presidential running mate should he win the nomination come July. Word of advice to Carly, maybe don’t clear your schedule just yet.

5. According to a new study, people with several plants around their house tend to live longer. Begging the question, does Larry King live in the rainforest?

6. According to a new study, just 37% of U.S high school seniors are adequately prepared for college-level courses in math and reading. Said those under-performing students, “But, on the plus-side, that means 86% are prepared.”

7. On Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said it’s absurd for reporters to keep asking him when he plans on dropping out of the race. Said reporters, “If that’s the case, then we’re out of questions.”

8. According to a new poll, more than half of American voters believe that the system political parties use to pick their candidates for the White House is “rigged.” While the other half wish it were rigged better:
Hillary Trump

9. The day after hard-partying and currently unemployed quarterback Johnny Manziel was indicted for allegedly assaulting his ex-girlfriend, he traveled to Cleveland to attend a Justin Bieber concert. So, I think it’s safe to say, he’s finally hit rock bottom.

10. A nine-year-old Missouri boy has set up a lemonade stand to fund his own adoption. Even sadder, his parents helped him set it up.

April 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. Luckily, the Fightin’ Orangemen won’t have to change their mascot.

2. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. Although nap-time will continue to be named after Ben Carson.

3. A new study found that 60% of women in Los Angeles are single. The same study also found that 100% of women in Los Angeles are single if you tell them you’re a casting director.

4. On Tuesday, health experts warned mothers against using cow dung to heal baby umbilical cords. Begging the question, did it really take an expert to determine that?

5. A lawyer in Russia has been arrested after closed circuit video caught him eating a crucial piece of evidence against his client. “Do you mind if I take a look at that arrest warrant?” said the lawyer as he put on a dinner bib and licked his lips.

6. A Noah’s Ark themed amusement park being built in Kentucky has been granted $18 million in state tax breaks. Noah claimed his wife, his kids and 52,378 animals as dependents.

7. A man walking on the lower east side of Manhattan was punched in the face because, according to his attacker, he looked like Shia LaBeouf. But, in the attacker’s defense, it could have been Shia LaBeouf.

8. A couple ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the race’s starting line. Which is strange, because you usually have to wait until your wedding night for your nipples to bleed.

9. Ted Cruz and John Kasich have agreed to work together to prevent Donald Trump from securing the Republican nomination and, as a result, the Kasich campaign has pulled the plug on Indiana. Which, coincidentally, is the plot to the next “Indiana Jones” movie staring 73-year-old Harrison Ford.

10. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced last week that the league will move next year’s All Star Game out of North Carolina if the state doesn’t change it’s anti-LGBT law. Most teams supported the announcement, while the Philadelphia 76ers said, “The NBA has an All Star game?”

April 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In the wake of New England quarterback Tom Brady’s 4-game suspension being reinstated, on Monday, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump said “Leave Tom Brady alone!” I don’t know about president, but, with that attitude, he’d make a great New York Jets defensive coordinator.

2. Top executives at ABC have personally apologized to Kelly Ripa for last week’s bungled announcement about the departure of her co-host Michael Strahan. Well, while ABC execs are at it, how bout apologizing for giving Rob Schneider a tv show.

3. The music of Prince soared to the top of the weekly U.S. Billboard 200 album chart on Monday after the singer’s sudden death last week. If that’s the case, I can’t wait for Justin Bieber to have the number one album in the world.

4. A U.S. appeals court on Monday restored the four-game “Deflategate” suspension of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, which he will serve at the beginning of next season. And, in even worse news, Denver Broncos quarterback Mark Sanchez remains eligible to play all 16 games next season.

5. On Monday, conservative radio personality Alex Jones claimed that Beyonce’s new album “Lemonade,” which released over the weekend, was funded by the CIA with the purpose of starting a race war. After which, Jones heard an NWA song and his head exploded.

6. A new study has revealed, smoking marijuana heavily during teenage years may lead to an early death. But, on the plus-side, it doesn’t take long for your life to flash before your eyes because you didn’t live that long and you can’t remember most of it.

7. According to a new study, bed bugs might dislike certain colors. And, in related news, bed bugs are now leading the Republican presidential race.

8. A New York woman was arrested on Monday for deficating on her boss’ desk after the woman won the lottery over the weekend. So I guess she chose the one lump sum option.

9. According to a new study, nine out of ten Americans have prayed to heal themselves when experiencing health problems. And it’s not because they’re religious, it’s because that’s the only thing their insurance covers.

10. Police in Hollywood, Florida are looking for a man who robbed a local business while wearing in a floor-length strapless gown. But they always say, dress for the job you want.

April 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In an interview with the Washington Post, Ohio Governor John Kasich said, “My Republican party doesn’t like ideas.” Especially one specific idea:
kasich

2. A Florida man was arrested on Friday after it was discovered that he had been soliciting sex with dogs on Craigslist. You can see it on next week’s edition of NBC’s “To Fetch a Predator.”

3. Last week, a leading rabbi announced that consuming marijuana for medical reasons is kosher for Passover. Which may explain why Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years.

4. In a new interview, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump said acting presidential is easy. ”I beg to differ,” said anyone who saw Jamie Foxx in ‘White House Down.’

5. A woman who gained notoriety online for looking like Ted Cruz is being paid $10,000 to appear in a pornographic movie. I think the porn company misinterpreted those “Fuck Ted Cruz” chants.

6. Last week, a woman born with two vaginas gave birth to two kids through separate wombs. Ugh, I hate it when I leave my apartment at the exact same time as my neighbor.

7. In a recent interview, noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson said he thinks there’s a ‘very high’ chance the universe is just a simulation. And, if that’s the case, I think the world is due for a reboot or, at the very least, someone needs to blow into the cartridge.

8. Announcing her support for Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders and denouncing rival Hillary Clinton’s “bullying tactics,” actress Rosario Dawson said, “I’m with Monica Lewinsky.” A phrase that previously only got you a discount at the dry cleaners.

9. Former Pennsylvania Senator Harris Wofford announced Sunday that he is marrying a man, almost 20 years after his wife died. Oh, so that’s why they call it a ‘BI-cameral legislature.’

10. According to a new study, men who ejaculate often may have a lower risk of prostate cancer than their peers who don’t do it as frequently. So, I guess that guy on the city bus is gonna live forever.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. On Wednesday, a high school basketball player in Canada was arrested after it was discovered that he was 30-years-old. School officials because suspicious when he had the skills of LeBron James and also the hairline of LeBron James.

2. During Tuesday’s state primary, officials confirmed that over 125,000 people were missing from the New York City voter rolls. Luckily, I found all of them walking on the sidewalk ahead of me while I was trying to get to work.

3. Former New York Giant Michael Strahan is leaving his morning hosting job on “Live with Kelly & Michael” to become a full-time anchor on “Good Morning America.” Which is ironic because “a full-time anchor” is how you can describe anyone playing for the Jets.

4. Over the weekend, a couple was caught having sex in the stands of a Mets-Indians baseball game in Cleveland. Said the embarrassed couple, “Please don’t tell our friends and family we were at an Indians game.”

5. Judaism’s Conservative movement has lifted a ban in place since the 13th century prohibiting Jews from eating rice during Passover. Said Jews, “Any new developments on bacon?”

6. On Monday, Hillary Clinton told a black radio host that she always carries hot sauce in her purse. Asked why, Clinton said, “Because her purse can’t fit a watermelon.”

7. During their family town hall event on CNN last week, Ted Cruz revealed that his daughters play a game with him called attack the daddy. During which his daughters attack other men and pray to god they are their real daddy.

8. Last week, HP unveiled the world’s thinnest laptop. Whereupon Harrison Ford immediately married it.

9. In a candid interview with many revelations, Monica Lewkinsky opened up about her affair with President Clinton saying “the shame sticks to you like tar.” Although, the most interesting revelation in the article is that Lewinsky’s go to 3-letter work for a stick substance is ‘tar.’

10. It was announced over the weekend that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is now an electronic dance music artist and is set to release his first techno song this May. Okay, now I’m on board with arresting him.

April 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, pop icon Prince was found dead in his home in Minneapolis. But, then again, is anyone in Minneapolis really living?

2. Yesterday, Queen Elizabeth turned 90-years-old on the same day that singer Prince died. Resulting in Prince Charles’ nightmare headline, “Queen Elizabeth Outlives Prince.”

3. This week, “Time Magazine” revealed its annual “100 most influential people” list, which listed every remaining presidential candidate except for John Kasich. Which is unsurprising because if Kasich had any sense of Time he would have dropped out a long time ago.

4. A new study suggests that one half of the brain remains on high alert during the first night of sleep in a new space. “But there are ways around that,” said Bill Cosby.

5. On Wednesday, a high school basketball player in Canada was arrested after it was discovered that he was 30-years-old. School officials because suspicious when he had the skills of LeBron James and also the hairline of LeBron James.

6. In an interview with “Time Magazine,” actor James Franco said he is “a little gay.” So maybe he’d be better at hosting the Tonys.

7. Only 22 people showed up for a Ted Cruz rally in Philadelphia on Wednesday. Even worse, eight of them left when Cruz showed up.

8. More than 50 runners from 18 countries braved Arctic temperatures and the threat of polar bears on Saturday to race in the North Pole Marathon in temperatures that fell to -41 degrees. The winner was Dorn Wenninger, of the United States, while the loser was common sense.

9. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz said, if elected, he would not ban sexual devices like he attempted to do in Texas. Although he said he would combat illicit sexual desires by showing his weird, unsettling face at as many public appearances as possible.

10. Cirque du Soleil said on Friday it was canceling shows in North Carolina over a new state law that is viewed as anti-LGBT. Begging the question, why was Cirque du Soleil going to North Carolina in the first place?

11. A new study has found that women living in greener areas tend to live longer. Which is great news for everyone but the women living in this green area:
jets

12. Bolivia’s president Evo Morales went to the Vatican on Friday and told Pope Francis that he should chew coca leaf for his health. Which explains how on Sunday Pope Francis was able to recite 100 “Hail Mary’s” in ten seconds.

13. Bolivia’s president Evo Morales went to the Vatican on Friday and told Pope Francis that he should chew coca leaf for his health. He already wears all white, if he starts doing coke, the Pope should just move to Miami to get it over with.

14. During last week’s family town hall, Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi revealed that shortly after they married Ted returned home from the grocery store with 100 cans of Campbell’s soup. And the only thing more disappointing than Ted Cruz returning home with 100 cans of soup is Ted Cruz returning home.

15. 101-year-old Eleanor Bessin is getting a second chance at prom thanks to a high school in Miami. And, although it may be a bummer to take a 101-year-old woman to prom as your date, you can’t get her pregnant.

16. A Brazilian man who has dedicated his life to trying to look like a Ken doll with plastic surgeries was reportedly admitted to the hospital after his nose began rotting. But, on the plus-side, at least now his outside matches his inside.

17. A group of around 100 Bernie Sanders supporters showered Hillary Clinton’s motorcade in 1,000 single-dollar bills as the 2016 Democratic presidential candidate drove to a fundraiser in Los Angeles. But, Hillary refused to speak to the angry masses because they were $199,000 shy of her normal speaking fee.

April 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Harriet Tubman will become the first woman in more than a century to appear on U.S. paper currency when she replaces former President Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. They considered Hillary Clinton, but, as her husband will tell you, she refuses to be on any bills.

2. Activists in a group supporting marijuana legalization said on Wednesday that White House officials had invited them to a meeting next week to talk about issues surrounding the substance. Said the White House, “That meeting was scheduled for last week.”

3. Today is Queen Elizabeth’s 90th birthday. And, to celebrate, Prince Charles is throwing her a surprise party with lots of loud noises and people jumping out at her because, according to him, “You never know what’ll do it.”

4. On Wednesday, Canada’s liberal government said it will introduce a law in spring 2017 to legalize recreational marijuana use. Ain’t it just like stoners to put off doing something for a year.

5. A new filter on messaging app Snapchat that allows users to look like the late reggae singer Bob Marley sparked a backlash on social media on Wednesday, with many calling it racially insensitive. Then they’re really not gonna like the MLK filter:
rifle sights

6. According to reports, the University of Georgia paid rapper Ludacris $65,000 for a 15-minute concert at a football game. I mean, I know as a state Georgia is behind the times, but $65K for Ludacris? It’s not 1997.

7. The Latvian government is working on a bill that would ban the use of face-covering Islamic veils, despite the fact that only three women in the entire country wear them. Then they saw Karen’s face and decided she could keep hers.

8. A naked restaurant is set to open in London. It’s the only place in the world where the phrase “Jewish people tip less” has two meanings.

9. A California judge on Wednesday rejected a bid by Sumner Redstone’s granddaughter challenging the 92-year-old billionaire’s mental competency. Redstone celebrated the courtroom victory by yelling “pretzel” while licking his shoe.

10. In an interview with “Time Magazine,” actor James Franco said he is “a little gay.” Begging the question, if Franco’s “a little gay,” then what’s Michael Cera’s nickname?

April 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During Tuesday’s state primary, officials confirmed that over 125,000 people were missing from the New York City voter rolls. Luckily, I found all of them walking on the sidewalk ahead of me while I was trying to get to work.

2. U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts used sign language from the Supreme Court bench on Tuesday as he welcomed a dozen deaf lawyers who took part in a ceremony authorizing them to argue cases before the court. The best part of the attorneys using sign language to argue their case was that it they could do so without waking up Justice Thomas.

3. On Tuesday, a Croatian umpire who officiated at the U.S. Open while serving a 12-month suspension was been banned for 10 years. Said the umpire, “So I’ll see you next year that the Open?”

4. Last night, New York City’s Empire State Building was lit red to signify Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s win in the state’s primary on Tuesday. Because, apparently, the building doesn’t have the capability of lighting itself orange.

5. A Jerusalem brewery has produced a craft beer with a taste it says dates back to the time of Jesus. Which is ridiculous, because if I wanted to drink a beer that tastes like it’s been sitting around for centuries, I drink a Miller Light.

6. In a trailer for a new documentary focusing on Chris Brown, the singer said, after the backlash he received from assaulting his then-girlfriend Rihanna, he had dreams of committing suicide. Hey Chris, if I’ve learned anything from your music, it’s not to give up on your dreams.

7. Former New York Giant Michael Strahan is leaving his morning hosting job on “Live with Kelly & Michael” to become a full-time anchor on “Good Morning America.” Which is ironic because “a full-time anchor” is how you can describe anyone playing for the Jets.

8. Over the weekend, a couple was caught having sex in the stands of a Mets-Indians baseball game in Cleveland. Said the embarrassed couple, “Please don’t tell our friends and family we were at an Indians game.”

9. According to a new report, air pollution will kill over 200,000 people in the U.K. in the next five years. Because, I assume, Coldplay music counts as air pollution.

10. A new study finds the children of same-sex parents are just as healthy emotionally and physically as the children of different-sex parents. And, in some cases, healthier:
lohans