10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Germany’s Jewish community leader has advised Jews not to wear yarmulkes in areas of the country that contain large Muslim populations. Although, I get the sense that Jews who voluntarily choose to live in Germany don’t pay much attention to safety warnings.

2. KFC announced that it plans on rolling out a new completely edible cup later this year. Because sometimes you want to destroy all evidence that you went to KFC.

3. Chris Soules, the current Bachelor, said it was uncomfortable after a contestant kissed him right after discussing her dead husband. It was especially uncomfortable since, during last week’s episode, the same contestant said she would kill her husband for Chris.

4. A county branch of the Republican Party in Idaho has put forth a proposal to label Idaho as a Christian state. “You can have it,” said Jews.

5. A woman in Mexico was arrested this week after being caught masturbating during a screening of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Said the woman, “I gave it two thumbs up, and the movie wasn’t bad either.”

6. A team of researchers studying insects in Africa has named a newly discovered species of wasp with a distinctive yellow and black pattern after Boston Bruins goalie Tuuka Rask. Marking the first time an animal has been named after an athlete since they named the pin-striped weasel after A-Rod.

7. Italian soccer player Martin Castrogiovanni is set to miss Saturday’s Six Nations match against Scotland after being bitten on the nose by a friend’s dog. Said Castrogiovanni, “Thank god I only put the peanut butter on my nose.”

8. On Monday, in a surgery that lasted over 24 hours, a Texas hospital medical team successfully separated twins who were joined at the abdomen and shared a liver, diaphragm, pelvis, intestines and the lining of the heart. “That was such a rough day and I can’t even unwind by having a drink,” said the one who didn’t get the liver.

9. A credit card that expired in 1995 that once belonged to late-Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain was auctioned off over the weekend. But don’t worry if you didn’t win it, there are still a lot of Cobain artifacts for sale the only worked in the 90s, for instance, Courtney Love.

10. YouTube announced that it is releasing a new app for children next week called YouTube Kids. Said parents, “Hopefully this will finally get my kid to stop talking to me all the time and pay more attention to their phone.”

February 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two escaped llamas led authorities in Phoenix on a long chase on Thursday as audiences nationwide were captivated by the live feed on their TVs. The last time America was this focused on a police chase involving an animal, it was a white Bronco.

2. Amazon.com has hired President Obama’s former spokesman Jay Carney as its new senior vice president for worldwide corporate affairs. Carney’s new job, much like his old one, involves using drones to deliver packages.

3. An Idaho lawmaker was informed that a woman’s stomach is not connected to her uterus after asking if a woman can swallow a small camera for doctors to conduct a remote gynecological exam. Said the lawmaker, “And what role does the stork play in all of this?”

4. Germany’s Jewish community leader has advised Jews not to wear yarmulkes in areas of the country that contain large Muslim populations. Although, I get the sense that Jews who voluntarily choose to live in Germany don’t pay much attention to safety warnings.

5. Police said on Thursday, the $150,000 custom-made, Calvin Klein dress composed of 6,000 natural white pearls worn by actress Lupita Nyong’o to this year’s Academy Awards has been stolen. “Now you know how we feel,” said 6,000 oysters.

6. KFC announced that it plans on rolling out a new completely edible cup later this year. Because sometimes you want to destroy all evidence that you went to KFC.

7. A man in Florida was arrested after he was caught in a public library urinating on the books. Sorry, let me correct that, a man in Florida was arrested after he was caught in a public library urinating on the book.

8. Wednesday night, on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kimmel surprised guest Will Smith with a Skype video call from DJ Jazzy Jeff. And no one was more surprised than I was to learn that DJ Jazzy Jeff owns a computer.

9. According to a new study, the most popular type of businesses in New Jersey are golf equipment stores. While the second most popular type of businesses in New Jersey are “golf equipment stores.”

10. A student at Philadelphia University has created a replica Batman costume that can protect him against punches, machetes and baseball bats. And, also, apparently girls.

11. Honey Boo Boo is recording a music video with her family for her original song “The Honey Boo Boo Bop.” Said the director, ‘Don’t worry, I got a lot of wide camera lenses.”

12. In a recent comic book it was revealed that Catwoman, one of Batman’s arch-enemies, is bisexual. “Bisexual? That bitch told me she was gay!” said the Penguin.

13. Wednesday night’s episode of “Modern Family” was shot entirely with Apple products, including iPhones and iPads, to highlight the part of the story where each member of the family was in a different part of Chicago. The family was supposed to be together, but, unfortunately, everyone used Apple Maps for directions.

14. Yesterday, Kanye West apologized to Beck on twitter for his outburst during this year’s Grammys. Proving that Kanye may be a humbler than we thought or, more likely, that Kanye doesn’t write his own tweets.

15. Nickelodeon unveiled on Wednesday a paid streaming service for children called Noggin that will launch on March 5 for $5.99 a month. Nickelodeon settled on $6 after extensive research determined that was what overwhelmed parents would pay to get their children to shut up.

16. Ride service Uber said on Thursday it was suspending its operations in Boise, Idaho, after reaching an impasse in negotiations with city leaders over new regulations. So now Boise residents will have to figure out a new way to get the hell out of Idaho.

17. It was announced that Apple’s new iOS will include African-American emojis. Giving your uncle a new way to send you racist texts about Obama.

18. Last week, a man in Florida threatened to blow up a bar after the bartender wouldn’t let him pay his tab with a rock. Said the man “Yabadabado!”

February 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Chris Soules, the current Bachelor, said it was uncomfortable after a contestant kissed him right after discussing her dead husband. It was especially uncomfortable since, during last week’s episode, the same contestant said she would kill her husband for Chris.

2. New research shows marijuana is by far the least dangerous recreational drug. Unless, of course, the steps to your parent’s basement are not up to code.

3. Last week, a man in Florida threatened to blow up a bar after the bartender wouldn’t let him pay his tab with a rock. But, in the man’s defense, he was in Florida and it was a rock of crystal meth.

4. The Washington Post reported on Wednesday that Donald Trump is seriously considering running for president in 2016. Said Trump, “Yeah, we’re doing this whole charade again.”

5. A county branch of the Republican Party in Idaho has put forth a proposal to label Idaho as a Christian state. “You can have it,” said Jews.

6. The U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday ruled that a North Carolina state dental board does not have the authority to regulate teeth-whitening services in the state. “Well, that’s a relief,” said the three people in North Carolina with teeth.

7. At Wednesday’s BRIT Awards in London, Madonna accidentally fell off the stage while performing. As a result, the “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” old lady is suing for copyright infringement.

8. It was announced this week that Apple’s new iOS will include African-American emojis. And, really, isn’t that better than getting nominated for an Oscar, Selma?

9. Attorneys for Bill Cosby plan to ask a federal judge to dismiss a defamation lawsuit filed against the comedian by three women who said he called them liars when they accused him of sexual assault. If successful, I’m sure it will be nothing but clear-sailing for Bill Cosby from there on out.

10. The Ku Klux Klan is angry that Alabama has legalized same-sex marriage. Well, not the entire KKK, Larry, the member who keeps suggesting they stop wearing white after Labor Day, seems pretty psyched about the ruling.

February 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman in Mexico was arrested this week after being caught masturbating during a screening of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Said the woman, “I gave it two thumbs up, and the movie wasn’t bad either.”

2. Yesterday, Alaska became the third state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Said Alaskan officials, “The goal is to smoke enough weed to forget that we’re responsible for Sarah Palin.”

3. A team of researchers studying insects in Africa has named a newly discovered species of wasp with a distinctive yellow and black pattern after Boston Bruins goalie Tuuka Rask. Marking the first time an animal has been named after an athlete since they named the pin-striped weasel after A-Rod.

4. On Tuesday, a bill advanced through the Oklahoma state House of Representatives that would protect a parent’s right to take a child to conversion therapy aimed at eliminating same-sex attraction. Ironically, if the bill is successful, it will lead to Oklahoma being the state with the least entertaining versions of “Oklahoma!”

5. According to a new study, receiving counseling over the phone can help new mothers who are suffering from postpartum depression. Unless the have a flip-phone, then it’s only gonna add to the depression.

6. Singer Chris Brown said on Tuesday he was denied entry into Canada for scheduled concerts in Montreal and Toronto. That’s okay, but if those are the rules, you gotta take Bieber back.

7. The Brazilian judge residing over criminal proceedings against Eike Bautista, once Brazil’s richest man, was seen on Tuesday driving a Porsche belonging to the fallen tycoon that had been seized by the court. Said Bautista, “Wait, is that my robe?”

8. Yesterday, President Obama vetoed a Republican bill that was aimed at building the Keystone XL oil pipeline. Said Republicans, “Never thought we’d see the day we missed Bill Clinton, but at least that guy was always in favor of laying some pipe.”

9. President Obama will meet with Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf in Washington next week to get an update on the progress his government is making fighting Ebola in West Africa. Although, it seems like the smarter move would be to hear if they are making any progress before meeting with him.

10. NASCAR suspended 2004 Sprint Cup champion Kurt Busch indefinitely on Friday after a court found him guilty of domestic violence because, apparently, NASCAR doesn’t understand their target audience.

February 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Italian soccer player Martin Castrogiovanni is set to miss Saturday’s Six Nations match against Scotland after being bitten on the nose by a friend’s dog. Said Castrogiovanni, “Thank god I only put the peanut butter on my nose.”

2. On Monday, in a surgery that lasted over 24 hours, a Texas hospital medical team successfully separated twins who were joined at the abdomen and shared a liver, diaphragm, pelvis, intestines and the lining of the heart. “That was such a rough day and I can’t even unwind by having a drink,” said the one who didn’t get the liver.

3. Sunday’s Academy Awards telecast on ABC drew its smallest audience in six years with 36.6 million viewers tuning in. And that figure even includes Robert Duvall and Clint Eastwood, who both fell asleep halfway through the broadcast.

4. The North Korean government has banned foreign runners from participating in this year’s Mangyongdae Marathon to be held in Pyongyang in April. Said North Korean citizens, “We don’t have any interest in participating either, unless, of course, the finish line is in South Korea.”

5. Yesterday it was announced that Honda CEO Takandou Ito will step down from his post in June. And, as per custom, when that date arrives, Ito will be abandoned on the side of the road.

6. On Monday, residents of northern Kiev burned an effigy of Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Putin, “That’s why I don’t wear shirts, they’re very flammable.”

7. According to a new study, parents who wash dishes by hand are less likely to have kids with allergies. Because if you can’t afford a dishwasher, you can’t afford to have your kids diagnosed with allergies.

8. Anagog, an Israel-based company, has developed an app that can guide drivers to empty, on-street parking spots using real time, crowd-sourced data from mobile phones. Analog’s next project will be an app that automatically calls a tow truck for when you inevitably hit another car because you were busy looking at your phone to find a parking space.

9. PreventForcedMarriage.org, a new website aimed at tackling the hidden problem of forced marriage in the U.S. went active online yesterday. “Well, I had a good run,” said Tom Cruise.

10. Warren Buffett’s 2006 Cadillac attracted a high bid of $122,500, more than 10 times its market value, in a charity auction last week. So safe to say that the person who bought the car for ten times its actually value has absolutely nothing in common with its previous owner.

February 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. During the Oscar telecast, in a nod to the nominated film “Birdman,” host Neil Patrick Harris appeared on stage in nothing but his underwear. Or, as Kim Kardashian referred to it, overdressed.

2. JK Simmons won the best supporting actor Oscar on Sunday for playing a brutally demanding music teacher who pushes a drummer to the edge in “Whiplash.” A movie critics called “dark and intense” and Joe Jackson called, “the feel-good movie of the year.”

3. A credit card that expired in 1995 that once belonged to late-Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain was auctioned off over the weekend. But don’t worry if you didn’t win it, there are still a lot of Cobain artifacts for sale the only worked in the 90s, for instance, Courtney Love.

4. The White House announced on Friday that President Obama will meet next month with Britain’s Prince Charles. The meeting will mark the first time the once-powerful, but now ceremonial figurehead of the country will meet with Prince Charles.

5. YouTube announced that it is releasing a new app for children next week called YouTube Kids. Said parents, “Hopefully this will finally get my kid to stop talking to me all the time and pay more attention to their phone.”

6. On Saturday, Kirk Cameron and his movie “Saving Christmas” swept the 2015 Razzie Awards, taking home the prizes for the worst picture, worst screenplay and worst actor. “You mean I rented a tux for nothing” said Adam Sandler.

7. The Texas attorney general asked the state’s Supreme Court on Friday to revoke a marriage license issued a day earlier to two women. Said the Supreme Court, “You want us to tell, not one, but two women they can’t have the wedding they want? No thanks.”

8. The Obama administration said on Friday that 800,000 people who signed up for health insurance under the Affordable Care Act received inaccurate tax forms and should wait to receive new ones before filling their taxes. “Is it too late to sign up for Obamacare?” said Wesley Snipes.

9. On Sunday, 24-year-old Joey Logano won the Daytona 500. This news is admittedly a day old, but, if you’re reading this, it means you can read, so it’s probably news to you.

10. While giving a speech to promote his new book “American Dreams,” Florida Senator Marco Rubio was heckled Friday night by activists who opposed his stance on immigration reform. Rubio said he knew something was amiss when real, live people showed up to hear him talk about his book.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Little Ceasar’s has come out with a new deep dish pizza featuring a crust wrapped in bacon. Which explains their new slogan, “Et tu, Fattie.”

2. According to a new poll, one-third of Americans believe Hollywood does not pay proper attention to minorities and women. While the other two-thirds are Oscar voters.

3. A woman on death row in Georgia wants her last meal before her execution to be Burger King. Which seems redundant.

4. Yesterday was Dr. Dre’s 50th birthday. Hopefully you didn’t forget about him.

5. This week Pope Francis announced that the Vatican will be offering free haircuts to the homeless on Mondays. But, speaking as a Jewish male, I have a deep-seated distrust of trust holy men with scissors.

6. Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on Wednesday after police said he stole furniture, a pool heater and other items from a neighbor’s home. Vanilla Ice reportedly used his one phone call to send word to his mother.

7. Lawyers for former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez alleged sloppy police work in the murder investigation yesterday in court. Said the lawyers, “Don’t ask us how we know this, but you got the order of things completely wrong.”

8. According to a new study, people who smoke marijuana every day have five times the normal risk of hearing voices. Yeah, that’s your parents upstairs, you still live in their basement.

9. German Chancellor Angela Merkel called the new Russian-Ukrainian ceasefire agreement “a glimmer of hope, no more, no less.” Of course the last time someone uttered that phrase with a German accent it was a Bond villain.

10. “Fifty Shades of Grey” took in $81.7 million over the weekend to soar to the top of the U.S box office. So you should probably expect this year’s birthday check from you aunt to be for a little less than usual.

February 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he does not believe President Obama loves America. Because who better to take advice on love from than a guy who’s been married three times.

2. According to a recently released photo, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is sporting a new haircut. Not surprising, since they just got Netflix over there, it’s the Rachel.

3. In a recent interview, Jane Fonda said that despite being 77 she still smokes pot every now and then. “Me too,” said Willie Nelson, “except it’s more like ‘all the time’ and I can’t remember my age.”

4. Little Ceasar’s has come out with a new deep dish pizza featuring a crust wrapped in bacon. Which explains their new slogan, “Et tu, Fattie.”

5. A senior California health official said on Thursday, the source of the recent measles outbreak, thought to have begun at Disneyland, may never be identified. “Dodged that bullet” said Sneezy.

6. Two lawsuits seeking to shut down Colorado’s recreational marijuana industry were filed on Thursday by state residents who say legalized pot violates federal racketeering laws, hurts business and diminishes property value. Said attorneys for the marijuana industry, “You guys just need to chillax, luckily we’ve got just the thing.”

7. There was a bomb scare yesterday in Hollywood near the venue for this weekend’s 78th Academy Awards. Crisis was adverted when authorities persuaded owners of a nearby movie theater to stop playing “Mordechai.”

8. Nestle says it will become the first major candy maker to eliminate all artificial color and flavors from its chocolates. Said Nestle, “We don’t like money.”

9. A Florida man has reportedly gotten the world’s first penis reduction surgery. Said the man, “I have always wanted to own a Porsche.”

10. On Thursday, Texas issued its first ever marriage license to a same-sex couple. So look out steers, they’re coming for your top billing.

11. The U.S. government on Tuesday established a policy for exporting military drones, including armed ones. “Really? Could have sworn you’ve been exporting armed drones for a while now,” said residents of Afghanistan.

12. With the resignation of Oregon’s Governor John Kitzhaber, Secretary of State Kate Brown is set to become the nation’s first openly bisexual governor. “Do I get a vote in who your running mate should be, Hillary?” said Bill.

13. Actor Emile Hirsch has checked into an alcohol rehabilitation facility after he allegedly assaulted a film executive at the Sundance Film Festival last month. A representative for Hirsch said the actor is making great strides in Alcoholics Anonymous, especially since he was practically anonymous when he entered the program.

14. A scorpion stung a passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight to Oregon that departed from Mexico. So, lesson learned, always let the scorpion have the armrest.

February 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Republican Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush criticized President Obama’s approach to Iran’s nuclear efforts saying negotiations aren’t working. Asked what he would do, Bush said, “Invade Iraq.”

2. According to a new poll, one-third of Americans believe Hollywood does not pay proper attention to minorities and women. While the other two-thirds are Oscar voters.

3. A woman on death row in Georgia wants her last meal before her execution to be Burger King. Which seems redundant.

4. Yesterday was Dr. Dre’s 50th birthday. Hopefully you didn’t forget about him.

5. A permanent museum exhibit showing preserved corpses stripped of skin to reveal the complexity of the human body opened in Berlin on Wednesday. Germany, where all your nightmares come from.

6. This week Pope Francis announced that the Vatican will be offering free haircuts to the homeless on Mondays. But, speaking as a Jewish male, I have a deep-seated distrust of trust holy men with scissors.

7. In a recent speech, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “There’s only one Chris Christie.” “And thank God for that,” said Hometown Buffet.

8. Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on Wednesday after police said he stole furniture, a pool heater and other items from a neighbor’s home. Said the arresting officer, “All right, stop!”

9. Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on Wednesday after police said he stole furniture, a pool heater and other items from a neighbor’s home. Vanilla Ice reportedly used his one phone call to send word to his mother.

10. Russian punk rock group Pussy Riot released their first song in English on Wednesday, a musical tribute to Eric Garner entitled “I Can’t Breathe.” So, maybe Putin was right.

February 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Lawyers for former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez alleged sloppy police work in the murder investigation yesterday in court. Said the lawyers, “Don’t ask us how we know this, but you got the order of things completely wrong.”

2. Yesterday, former-professional golfer Frank Nobilo said one of the reasons Tiger Woods dominated the game in the early 2000s is because he had access to better equipment. But Wood’s competition began to catch up with him once everyone got their hands on his equipment, literally.

3. According to a new study, fifty percent of women will experience hot flashes and night sweats characteristic of menopause for about seven years. While the remaining fifty percent will undoubtedly find something else to complain about.

4. According to a new study, people who smoke marijuana every day have five times the normal risk of hearing voices. Yeah, that’s your parents upstairs, you still live in their basement.

5. New research shows that alcohol may actually help elderly women live longer. The study was conducted by horny elderly men.

6. According to a new study, men view women with larger butts as better workers. Although, I think the scientists may have misinterpreted men’s use of the phrase, “Oh, she’s workin’ it.”

7. On Tuesday, disgraced New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez penned a heartfelt, handwritten apology letter, taking responsibility for all “the mistakes” he made that led to his PED suspension. Whereupon the note immediately won the 2015 Pulitzer Prize for fiction.

8. Government surveyors announced this week that the Washington Monument is actually ten inches shorter than originally believed. Or, as the surveyors put it, “I’ve seen bigger.”

9. Government surveyors announced this week that the Washington Monument is actually ten inches shorter than originally believed. “That’s alright, I’m more interested in girth anyway,” said the Grand Canyon.

10. After the latest wave of bad weather, this February is now the snowiest month in Boston’s history. So, if you thought Tom Brady’s balls were deflated before…