1. David Valadao of California on Wednesday became the third Republican in the House of Representatives to join the Democrats in backing a sweeping immigration bill that includes a path to citizenship. Said Valadao, “If we’ve learned anything from the Obamacare website it’s to let the Democrats do what they want. They’ll screw it up on their own.”
2. In an interview published on Wednesday, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said that golfing and learning to speak Spanish are at the top of his list of activities to do once he’s retired. Which, I guess means, like most New Yorkers, he’s retiring to Florida.
3. R&B singer Chris Brown is entering rehab “to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior” the singer’s representatives said on Tuesday. Although I’m pretty sure you can’t cure being an asshole.
4. A North Dakota woman told a local radio station that on Halloween she will give children she considers obese a sternly-worded letter in lieu of candy. That way, she’ll be able to keep more candy for her own fat-ass.
5. A North Dakota woman told a local radio station that on Halloween she will give children she considers obese a sternly-worded letter in lieu of candy. No word on whether the woman plans to take Friday off from work so she can clean the egg off her house.
6. The city of Irwindale, California has filed a lawsuit asking for Huy Fong Foods to cease production of its iconic Srirachi sauce after residents complained that smells emanating from the factory have driven them from their homes. In response, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “Come to New Jersey, we have some smells we need to cover-up.”
7. One of every seven Americans will take a hit on Friday when a $5 billion cut in food stamps takes effect. But, on the bright-side, due to Obamacare, you can now afford a doctor to tell you that you’re malnourished.
8. Today is Halloween or, as pedophiles refer to it, Christmas.
9. Last night the Boston Red Sox beat the St. Louis Cardinals to clinch the World Series. As a result of the celebration, the city of Boston reached a level of intoxication not seen since the night before.
10. A California woman was cited for driving while wearing Google Glass yesterday. Which may seem unfair since drivers are allowed to wear regular glasses while driving, but it should be noted that the woman was wearing nothing but Google Glass.