Monologue Jokes – October 31, 2013

1. David Valadao of California on Wednesday became the third Republican in the House of Representatives to join the Democrats in backing a sweeping immigration bill that includes a path to citizenship. Said Valadao, “If we’ve learned anything from the Obamacare website it’s to let the Democrats do what they want. They’ll screw it up on their own.”

2. In an interview published on Wednesday, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg said that golfing and learning to speak Spanish are at the top of his list of activities to do once he’s retired. Which, I guess means, like most New Yorkers, he’s retiring to Florida.

3. R&B singer Chris Brown is entering rehab “to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior” the singer’s representatives said on Tuesday. Although I’m pretty sure you can’t cure being an asshole.

4. A North Dakota woman told a local radio station that on Halloween she will give children she considers obese a sternly-worded letter in lieu of candy. That way, she’ll be able to keep more candy for her own fat-ass.

5. A North Dakota woman told a local radio station that on Halloween she will give children she considers obese a sternly-worded letter in lieu of candy. No word on whether the woman plans to take Friday off from work so she can clean the egg off her house.

6. The city of Irwindale, California has filed a lawsuit asking for Huy Fong Foods to cease production of its iconic Srirachi sauce after residents complained that smells emanating from the factory have driven them from their homes. In response, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “Come to New Jersey, we have some smells we need to cover-up.”

7. One of every seven Americans will take a hit on Friday when a $5 billion cut in food stamps takes effect. But, on the bright-side, due to Obamacare, you can now afford a doctor to tell you that you’re malnourished.

8. Today is Halloween or, as pedophiles refer to it, Christmas.

9. Last night the Boston Red Sox beat the St. Louis Cardinals to clinch the World Series. As a result of the celebration, the city of Boston reached a level of intoxication not seen since the night before.

10. A California woman was cited for driving while wearing Google Glass yesterday. Which may seem unfair since drivers are allowed to wear regular glasses while driving, but it should be noted that the woman was wearing nothing but Google Glass.

October 30, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Security forces in Libya are searching for heavily armed men who seized a truck carrying more than $50 million in cash on Tuesday. “Heavily armed me” in Libya, that should narrow it down.

2. Kevin Jonas, one-third of the extremely popular Jonas Brothers Band, confirmed yesterday that the group has indeed broken up over creative differences. The announcement made me sad because I realized that, since he’s a solo act, I will never get the same great news about Justin Bieber.

3. Kevin Jonas, one-third of the extremely popular Jonas Brothers Band, confirmed yesterday that the group has indeed broken up over creative differences. And now, all that’s left is figuring out which one is Tito.

4. Yesterday, actor Emile Hirsch was tabbed to play the role of late comedic actor John Belushi in an upcoming bio-pic. Still no word on who will play John’s brother Jim Belushi, but rest assured that, much like Jim, it will be a huge disappointment.

5. On Tuesday, a suspicious package found outside the George W. Bush Presidential Library on the SMU campus was determined not to be a threat. But just to be safe, former President Bush ordered our troops to invade Iraq.

6. On Wednesday, as part of on-going peace talks, Israel freed 26 Palestinians prisoners from jail. And so begins the plot of “Oceans 26.”

7. Former U.S. Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. began his first day of a 30-month sentence in federal prison on Tuesday, a day after he had attempted to report early and was turned away. So even when a black guy defies stereotypes by showing up early, he does so by showing up early to prison.

8. Britain’s U.N. Ambassador Mark Lyass Grant suggested a new tactic on Tuesday to stop diplomats at the United Nations from speaking for too long, turn off their microphone. If adopted, this will replace the old method of using the Sandman.

9. The new FBI chief on Monday ordered all new agents to visit the national monument to late civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. as a reminder not to repeat the abuses of the bureau’s past. But before any of the agents can go they have to make sure they get their permission slip signed.

10. Two Republican congressman on Sunday defended Washington’s surveillance programs abroad in reaction to protests from allies. Said the Republicans, “We just wanted to know if France thought we were cool, but we were too scared to ask her because she is totally hot.”

October 29, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, Malaysian authorities pulled the plug on a Ke$ha concert scheduled for Saturday, threatening the singer with jail time if she took the stage. Begging the question, why don’t we all live in Malaysia?

2. On Sunday, four inmates escaped from an Oklahoma jail by prying open a maintenance hatch in the shower room. Prior to the escape, “prying open a maintenance hatch in a prison shower room” had a completely different meaning.

3. A teacher’s assistant at the University of Iowa accidentally attached nude photos of herself to email that was sent out to her entire class. And, in a related story, the wait-list for that class just got a whole lot longer.

4. A “networking-component” in the Obamacare system failed Sunday and the attempted fix crashed the system, leaving users unable to apply for health coverage. This may be the best example ever of the blind leading the actual blind.

5. Scientists have found what they’re describing as a “lost world” on the northern tip of Queensland, Australia, hosting at least three previously undocumented species, including a frog that makes love in the rain. Which may explain why the married versions of these frogs are indigenous to the Death Valley, California area.

6. A British man has been arrested in England and charged by the U.S. with hacking into U.S. government computers to steal confidential data and disrupt operations. If convicted, the man could face a sentence of up to 10 years as the head of the NSA.

7. A new study suggests, children who grow up in poor families may have smaller brains than their more well-off peers. This according to the Hamptons Journal of Haughty Snobbery.

8. On Monday, rapper 50 Cent struck a deal with Los Angeles prosecutors for three years’ probation and 30 days of community service after allegedly kicking the mother of his child during a June altercation. “That sounds good, I’ll take that, too,” said Chris Brown.

9. On Monday, James Comey, the new head of the FBI, ordered all new agents to visit the national monument to late civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. as a reminder not to repeat the abuses of the bureau’s past. Although Comey doesn’t not appear to be heeding his own words considering he gave this new directive while wearing a dress.

10. As a result of consumer demand, Comcast will soon provide a pared-down basic cable package that includes about 10 channels, HBO, internet access and the option to purchase premium movies, all for approximately $50 a month. This new customer-based approach is a sharp departure from Comcast’s previous company policy, “Fuck the customer.”

October 28, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist launched a campaign-style video and website on Friday that threw open the door to a likely run for his old job in 2014. While Crist has the necessary experience to be Florida’s next governor, he is over-qualified for a run at the Presidency in 2016 since his new website actually works.

2. The San Francisco 49ers won a fifth straight game on Sunday, crushing the winless Jacksonville Jaguars 42-10 at London’s Wembley Stadium. The outcome is no surprise considering when the Jaguars were going through customs at Heathrow, when asked if they were in town for “business” or “pleasure,” the players answered “neither.”

3. The San Francisco 49ers won a fifth straight game on Sunday, crushing the winless Jacksonville Jaguars 42-10 at London’s Wembley Stadium. Not since Vanilla Ice embarked on a world tour, has someone traveled such a great distance for the opportunity to suck in front of a whole new crowd.

4. Rapper Chris Brown was arrested and charged with assault in Washington early Sunday morning after getting into a fight with a man outside a hotel. But, on the plus side, at least he’s punching guys now, that’s called progress.

5. Rapper Chris Brown was arrested and charged with assault in Washington early Sunday morning after getting into a fight with a man outside a hotel. “I thought I was special!” said Rihanna.

6. American artist Duke Riley is set to open an exhibit in New York City this week which documents his experience training pigeons to smuggle Cuban cigars out of Havana and into the U.S. So if you thought that cigar tasted like bird shit, you were right.

7. Actor Orlando Bloom and model Miranda Kerr are back on the market after the couple announced the end of their three-year marriage. Which may explain that long, slow once-over your girlfriend gave you this morning.

8. After serving two years in prison for causing the death of Michael Jackson, Dr. Conrad Murray is set to be freed from jail today. Can someone make sure he still has LaToya’s number?

9. Oversleeping due to a turkey dinner and false teeth flying out the car window were just two of the imaginative excuses employees gave bosses when calling in sick last year, according to a study released by job website CareerBuilder. Proving that American workers are willing to put in a hard day of work at the workplace as long as that work involves them not having to show up at their workplace.

10. On Sunday, Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers and Paul Goldschmidt of the Arizona Diamondbacks were selected as the winners of the Hank Aaron Award, given to the most outstanding offensive players of the year. While, for the fifth year in a row, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez won the Barry Bonds Award, given to the most offensive player of the year.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. After their starting quarterback went down over the weekend, the St. Louis Rams reportedly reached out to 44-year-old retired quarterback Brett Favre to gauge his interest in a comeback. Favre rejected the offer, mainly because his penis doesn’t photograph well in blue and gold.

2. On Thursday, it was announced that actor Jamie Dornan will replace Charlie Hunnam in the role of billionaire Christian Grey in the screen adaptation of the best-selling erotic novel “Fifty Shades of Grey.” “Great. Whatever. Just start shooting the damn thing!” said your Aunt.

3. In Arkansas yesterday, a teenager found a 3.8-carat diamond in a park. And, out of habit, Kobe Bryant immediately apologized to her.

4. A Kansas City man broke a world record by knitting a 12-foot scarf while running a marathon. This breaks the previous record set when James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosted the Oscars of worst combination of things.

5. A new study found a baby’s math ability at 6 months goes a long way in determining future math skills. Why 6 months? Because that’s the earliest you tell from looking at a kid whether it’s Asian.

6. On Monday night, rapper Kanye West, rented out San Francisco’s AT&T ballpark and, with the aid of fireworks and a 50-piece-orchestra, proposed to girlfriend Kim Kardashian. There was an awkward moment during the proposal when Kim, out of habit, got down on her knees instead of Kanye.

7. Over the weekend, basketball superstar LeBron James tweeted that he would like to suit up for one game of football at the professional level in the NFL before his career is over. “Me too,” said every Jacksonville Jaguar player.

8. The New Jersey Supreme Court on Friday denied the state’s request to prevent same-sex marriages, clearing the way for same-sex couples to marry in the state starting yesterday. This is great news for New Jersey Governor
Chris Christie because it means his state is one step closer to letting a man marry a hoagie.

9. A federal marshal was arrested last week at Nashville International Airport after being caught taking multiple upskirt pictures of female passengers boarding a plane. Either that guy’s a creep or he takes his job very, very seriously.

10. On Saturday, the World Health Organization said that two suspected cases of polio have been detected in Syria, the first appearance of the incurable disease there in 14 years. You know you’re country has hit hard times when a polio outbreak doesn’t even crack the top ten list of reasons not to go to that country.

October 25, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. After their starting quarterback went down over the weekend, the St. Louis Rams reportedly reached out to 44-year-old retired quarterback Brett Favre to gauge his interest in a comeback. Favre rejected the offer, mainly because his penis doesn’t photograph well in blue and gold.

2. After their starting quarterback went down over the weekend, the St. Louis Rams reportedly reached out to 44-year-old retired quarterback Brett Favre to gauge his interest in a comeback. Favre declined the offer because he believed the level of competition, going from the pickup games in those Wranglers commercials to the Rams, would be a step backwards.

3. Police in Alabama are looking for a man who broke into a store while wearing a white sheet over his head. But something tells me that’s not the worst crime he’s ever committed.

4. New York’s iconic Ellis Island will partially reopen to the public on Monday, a year after it was submerged by Superstorm Sandy. Although, if you think about it, a closed Ellis Island is a little more in line with most American’s views on immigration.

5. A former doctor convicted of second degree murder for infecting at least nine patients with hepatitis C was sentenced to life in prison on Thursday. And yet Tommy Lee is allowed to walk around a free man.

6. According to a recent study, providing children with sports equipment, encouragement and a safe environment boosts their activity levels during the average school day. “Sports equipment. Check.” Said Jerry Sandusky.

7. Billionaire businessman Richard Branson said on Thursday his decision to leave Britain to live on his private Caribbean island was not to dodge paying UK taxes but to give him a healthier lifestyle. Branson said that Britain’s dental care was no match for what was provided on his uninhabited, deserted island.

8. On Thursday, it was announced that actor Jamie Dornan will replace Charlie Hunnam in the role of billionaire Christian Grey in the screen adaptation of the best-selling erotic novel “Fifty Shades of Grey.” “Great. Whatever. Just start shooting the damn thing!” said your Aunt.

9. According to a study of nearly a million girls in Denmark and Sweden, the human papillomavirus vaccine was not linked to short- or long-term health problems. “It’s go time,” said Michael Douglas.

10. There are still major glitches associated with the Obamacare website and now tech experts are saying that the only way to fix it is to start over from scratch. Although the experts did not specify if they meant the website or the country.

11. According to a recent survey, a record 58% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. Although, I think that number may be a little inflated since after answering the survey most participants wandered off, forgot they had already answered the survey and then took it again.

12. According to a study published this month in the journal Science, scientists from Harvard and Yale have successfully developed a new genome for E. Coli, creating a new viral-resistant bacterium. Hooray?

October 24, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in California spent $100,000 on plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber. “Way ahead of you,” said lesbians everywhere.

2. In Arkansas yesterday, a teenager found a 3.8-carat diamond in a park. And, out of habit, Kobe Bryant immediately apologized to her.

3. A Kansas City man broke a world record by knitting a 12-foot scarf while running a marathon. This breaks the previous record set when James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosted the Oscars of worst combination of things.

4. On a recent episode of “the Arsenio Hall Show,” Arsenio said he believed that the late singer Michael Jackson is watching his show from heaven. But maybe that’s because the only guest Arsenio has been able to book has been Emmanuel Lewis.

5. On Wednesday, scientists confirmed the discovery of a new galaxy, making it the most distant galaxy ever uncovered. Scientists call the galaxy 28_GND_5296, while Paula Abdul simply calls it home.

6. A new study found a baby’s math ability at 6 months goes a long way in determining future math skills. Why 6 months? Because that’s the earliest you tell from looking at a kid whether it’s Asian.

7. The FDA has opened an investigation into jerky products made in China that have killed nearly 600 cats and dogs. Begging the question, if a country has no problem eating dogs and rats for dinner, what’s left to make into jerky for pets?

8. In front of a crowd of rowdy Bostonians, Boston Mayor Thomas Menino told reporters on Tuesday he hoped the Red Sox win “the World Series Cup.” Menino is survived by his wife and two kids.

9. A former Hooters waitress is suing the restaurant for discrimination, claiming she was fired over her hairstyle. Said her former-boss, “She had hair?”

10. Yesterday, President Obama assured German Chancellor Angela Merkel that the U.S. was not monitoring her phone calls. To which Merkel replied, “Excuse me, who is this? I’m on the phone with someone.”

October 23, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday night, rapper Kanye West, rented out San Francisco’s AT&T ballpark and, with the aid of fireworks and a 50-piece-orchestra, proposed to girlfriend Kim Kardashian … and just in time for Sweeps Week!

2. On Monday night, rapper Kanye West, rented out San Francisco’s AT&T ballpark and, with the aid of fireworks and a 50-piece-orchestra, proposed to girlfriend Kim Kardashian. Kanye chose a baseball stadium for the proposal because it is one of only a handful of venues large enough to fit both their egos.

3. On Monday night, rapper Kanye West, rented out San Francisco’s AT&T ballpark and, with the aid of fireworks and a 50-piece-orchestra, proposed to girlfriend Kim Kardashian. “So that’s what dodging a bullet feels like,” said Ray-J, Reggie Bush, Kris Humprhies, the entire line-up of the 1999 Oakland Raiders and every single active and retired NBA player.

4. On Monday night, rapper Kanye West, rented out San Francisco’s AT&T ballpark and, with the aid of fireworks and a 50-piece-orchestra, proposed to girlfriend Kim Kardashian. Although Kim had been to the stadium before, she said she loved the venue because this time she got to see the field whereas during her previous visits all she saw was the clubhouse ceiling.

5. On Monday night, rapper Kanye West, rented out San Francisco’s AT&T ballpark and, with the aid of fireworks and a 50-piece-orchestra, proposed to girlfriend Kim Kardashian. There was an awkward moment during the proposal when Kim, out of habit, got down on her knees instead of Kanye.

6. On Monday night, rapper Kanye West, rented out San Francisco’s AT&T ballpark and, with the aid of fireworks and a 50-piece-orchestra, proposed to girlfriend Kim Kardashian. Kanye got on one knee and said, “Will you let me do you the honor of becoming the luckiest girl in the world?”

7. A Turkish entrepreneur has opened what he says is the country’s first online sex shop for Muslims, selling everything from lubricants to herbal aphrodisiacs. And…he’s…bankrupt.

8. Over the weekend, basketball superstar LeBron James tweeted that he would like to suit up for one game of football at the professional level in the NFL before his career is over. “Me too,” said every Jacksonville Jaguar player.

9. The first ever waterpark opened in North Korea over the weekend. No reviews so far, because, unfortunately, everyone in that country is too short to go on the rides.

10. Scientists at Columbia University have found success using discarded infant foreskins from circumcision procedures to treat male pattern baldness. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,” said an exasperated Jerry Sandusky.

October 22, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. After the Falcons beat the Buccaneers on Sunday, the Falcons had the visiting locker room cleaned by workers in hazmat suits due to a recent MRSA staph outbreak amongst Buccaneer players. A spokesperson for the Falcons downplayed the whole incident, saying it is standard protocol to disinfect the visiting locker room after a possible staph infection or if the opposing team contains one of Kim Kardashian’s ex-boyfriends.

2. The New Jersey Supreme Court on Friday denied the state’s request to prevent same-sex marriages, clearing the way for same-sex couples to marry in the state starting yesterday. This is great news for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie because it means his state is one step closer to letting a man marry a hoagie.

3. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dropped his legal fight against same-sex marriage on Monday, making New Jersey the 14th state to legalize same-sex marriage. Like most fights involving Christie, he immediately got winded and gave up.

4. Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick is the most disliked player in the NFL according to a poll released Monday on Forbes.com. Said Vick, “It’s times like these that I miss Aaron Hernandez.”

5. 68-year-old Jim Leyland has resigned as manager of the Detroit Tigers after leading the team to three consecutive division titles and two World Series appearances in the last eight years. The announcement came as a surprise for most baseball fans who have always assumed that Leyland was at least 100-years-old.

6. Arkansas Representative Tim Griffin said on Monday he will not seek a third term in Congress, a surprise announcement made just days after the end of the government shutdown. And you know things are bad in D.C. when people are voluntarily leaving to go to Arkansas.

7. Over the weekend, a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble store. This will undoubtedly lead to tough questions when the kid grows up like “Where do babies come from?” and “What’s a Barnes & Nobel?”

8. Researchers found kids who were spanked as five-year-olds were slightly more likely to be aggressive and break rules later in elementary school. While kids who were spanked as 25-year-olds were more likely to be really weird.

9. Pop singer Kelly Clarkson, the first contestant to win the FOX singing competition “American Idol,” married talent manager Brandon Blackstone in a ceremony over the weekend. The ceremony took place at Blackberry Farms in Tennessee where, ironically, Justin Guarini parks cars.

10. Over the weekend, a Colombian soccer team was forced to play in knock-off versions of their own jerseys bought from street vendors outside the stadium after forgetting to bring their away uniforms to the game. That’s nothing, the New York Giants have been playing with imitation players all season.

October 21, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A federal marshal was arrested last week at Nashville International Airport after being caught taking multiple upskirt pictures of female passengers boarding a plane. Either that guy’s a creep or he takes his job very, very seriously.

2. On Saturday, the World Health Organization said that two suspected cases of polio have been detected in Syria, the first appearance of the incurable disease there in 14 years. You know you’re country has hit hard times when a polio outbreak doesn’t even crack the top ten list of reasons not to go to that country.

3. Toyota is recalling 870,000 vehicles due to an air conditioner blockage caused by spiders that leads to the airbags needlessly deploying. So good news for those Toyota owners whose cars weren’t recalled, the spiders in your vehicles are harmless, enjoy.

4. Pakistani girls’ education campaigner Malala Yousafzai, who’s found international acclaim since she was shot by Taliban militants last year, met Queen Elizabeth on Friday. This marks the first time the Queen has met with someone who survived being shot and went on to capture the world’s attention since she collaborated with 50 Cent on his last album.

5. Former President Bill Clinton is set to hit the campaign trail for his longtime-friend, Terry McAuliffe, who is running for governor of Virginia. Clinton plans to campaign all of this month or, at least until he finds out that, despite the name, Terry is actually a guy.

6. On Saturday, federal and airport officials said that NBA legend Bill Russell was cited for having a loaded gun in his carry-on luggage at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. But, in Russell’s defense, he was flying to Detroit.

7. On Sunday, the commissioner of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement said a tip from a friend of one of the two convicted murderers who were mistakenly released from prison led to their arrests over the weekend. So if they manage to break out again, I think we’ll know where to find them.

8. UK researchers say older women who exercise regularly and don’t smoke may have a substantially lower risk of late-life disability than their less-healthy peers. Proving that we’re not the only country that conducts stupid studies.

9. Pirate attacks off Nigeria’s coast have jumped by a third this year with ships passing through West Africa’s Gulf of Guinea increasingly under threat from gangs wanting to steal cargo. “Well, it’s good to see some pirates are still working in October,” said the city of Pittsburgh.

10. A Shanghai couple is facing charges after allegedly selling three of their newborns to pay for iPhones, computers and high-end shoes. “You can do whatever you want to that couple, but you’re not getting these kids back,” said Angelina Jolie.

11. A Shanghai couple is facing charges after allegedly selling three of their newborns to pay for iPhones, computersand high-end shoes. “What kind of iPhone?” said John Gosselin.