February 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in South Carolina was arrested after trying to pay for his lunch with a counterfeit trillion dollar bill. And, if you’re wondering, the image on a real trillion dollar bill is Benjamin Franklin with a bunch of hookers and blow. 

2. Nearly two months into his tenure as Detroit mayor, Mike Duggan outlined a plan for adding jobs and removing abandoned buildings in the bankrupt city during his first state of the city address Wednesday night. Unfortunately, Duggan’s speech was cut short as a pack of roving wolves took over City Hall.

3. NASA on Wednesday announced the discovery of 715 new planets. “Now I feel like you’re just rubbing it in,” said Pluto.

4. The owner of a Christian-based marijuana dispensary in California says God told him to open up his store. He also says that God uses the word “dude” a lot.

5. For the first time ever the Oscars ceremony will be streamed in real-time online. “You might control movies and television for this one night Acadmey, but you’re out of your league here,” said porn.

6. Packaged foods sold in the U.S. would display calorie counts more prominently and include the amount of added sugar under a proposal to significantly update nutritional labels. Great idea government, combining the two things Americans love: eating healthy and reading. 

7. The largest group in the conservative Tea Party movement celebrated its fifth anniversary on Thursday with a pledge to push Congress further to the right and capture the White House in 2016. Proving, even after five years, the Tea Party is delusional as ever.

8. On Thursday, California Governor Jerry Brown announced he would seek re-election to another term. Said former-Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger, “You screwed that announcement up, perfect opportunity to say “I’ll be back.'”

9. According to a new study, U.S. teenagers who use indoor tanning devices are more likely to take part in other risky behaviors, like living in New Jersey. 

10. According to new research, elbow fractures can be added to a growing list of heightened health risks for obese children. But that type of thing tends to happen when you get your arm really stuck in a vending machine.

11. A Dayton, Ohio bus driver survived an attack Monday morning which he accredited to an act of God after the bible he kept in his front shirt pocket stopped two bullets. Which stands in stark to all my public bus experiences that leave me convinced that there is no God.

12. A new study suggests, handling receipts may increase the body’s levels of a chemical that has been linked to reproductive and neurological problems. “Just when I thought I couldn’t hate this job anymore,” said Wesley Snipes’s accountant.

13. On Monday, Taco Bell announced that they will start serving breakfast. It’s perfect for those days you wake up hating yourself. 

14. This week it was reported that WWE legend Hulk Hogan will be returning to the ring. As a result, Hogan has been forced to update his catchphrase to: What are you gonna do when arthritis run wild on you, brother?

15. A new study suggests, overweight women who lose weight during their pregnancy may be putting their unborn child at risk. Yeah, it’s called an abortion.

16. A Chinese company has developed the world’s thinnest condom. Apparently it’s made out of the same material they used to construct the walls in my apartment building. 

17. Former NFL kicker Russell Erxleben was sentenced this week to 7 1/2 years in prison for running a fraudulent investment scheme. 7 1/2 years? Who says kickers aren’t NFL athletes?

18. On Thursday, the Egyptian army claimed that they had invented the cure for AIDS and hepatitis C. They know that killing the guy doesn’t count as a cure, right?

19. A daredevil plans on jumping off Mount Everest wearing only a wingsuit, whereupon the man will set the world record for first man to be buried in a wingsuit.

20. A man who was being arrested in Key West for cocaine possession told the arresting officer that he thought cocaine wasn’t illegal in Florida. Said the cop, “No, you’re thinking of meth.”

February 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to new research, dogs are incapable of feeling shame. But I guess that’s inevitable after hundreds of years of shitting in public.

2. On Wednesday, Secretary of State John Kerry likened new anti-gay legislation in Uganda that imposes harsh penalties for homosexuality to apartheid in South Africa. Thus, following in the footsteps of Nelson Mandela, in twenty years we should get ready for Ugandan President Ru Paul. 

3. According to a new study, ten percent of pediatricians say they have seriously considered no longer providing vaccines due to concerns about their costs. While the other ninety percent said they would pay anything to continue sticking those little brats with needles. 

4. A former Target employee is accusing the company of only hiring attractive people as store managers. Although I don’t know how much of an accomplishment it is to be the attractive one at Target.

5. A new poll shows that half of New Jersey thinks Chris Christie was involved in the bridge-gate scandal. While the other half is Chris Christie. (He’s quite large)

6. A teacher in Oklahoma has been suspended after teaching a class drunk. Even worse, it was driver’s ed.

7. New York Knicks coach Mike Woodson said on Wednesday that he stood behind point guard Raymond Felton, who was arrested on Tuesday on gun possession charges. Adding, “It’s only when I stand in front of him that I feel nervous.”

8. A couple who recently adopted triplets are now pregnant with twins despite doctors telling them they only had a ten percent chance of conceiving. Said the father, “Where’d I put that receipt?”

9. A company has invented a new device called the wake-up vibe which is a combination alarm clock and vibrator. So even though you’ll wake up on time, you’re probably still gonna be late. 

10. Philadelphia police are cracking down on the illegal but widespread practice of saving parking spaces with furniture, toilets or other items. Although if your toilet is such that it can be removed from your home, I think parking are the least of your concerns. 

February 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, ESPN reported that the NBA is exploring the possibility of expanding the dimensions of the basketball court to accommodate the increased size and athleticism of players. “How about lowering the rim,” said the Knicks.

2. The lead singer of a heavy metal Christian rock band pleaded guilty in California on Tuesday to a charge of soliciting an undercover detective posing as a hit man to kill his estranged wife. Said the man, “This is terrible and embarrassing, I don’t want my family and friends knowing I’m in a Christian rock band.”

3. A day after Uganda passed harsh anti-gay laws, a tabloid newspaper has come out with a list of what it calls the country’s top homosexuals. We have a similar list here in America, but we call it Hollywood’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

4. Yesterday, Jimmy Kimmel and wife Molly McNearney announced they are expecting their first child together. I’m calling bullshit. I’m not getting fooled by another Kimmel prank. I doubt they’re even married.

5. Organizers for the 2014 Conservative Political Action Conference have decided to not allow American Atheists to have an exhibition booth at this year’s conservative conference. Said a representative for American Atheists, “Although the decision is disappointing, we are fairly confident that even without our presence, those who decide to attend will walk away from the Conference confident that there is no God.”

6. According to sources, Debbie Dingell, the wife of retiring Democratic Representative John Dingell, will announce on Friday that she intends to run for his vacated Congressional seat. And, with any luck, she’ll find a running-mate with the last name “Berry.”

7. A new study suggests, handling receipts may increase the body’s levels of a chemical that has been linked to reproductive and neurological problems. But, on the plus side, with all the shopping she’s done in her lifetime, there’s a good chance Paris Hilton is barren.

8. According to statistics, more than a third of U.S. adults and 17 percent of kids and teens are obese. Researchers say we can lower those stats by getting rid of Louisiana.

9. Medical advisors are considering whether to allow human studies of a controversial procedure known as “three-parent in vitro fertilization,” that could prevent horrific genetic defects but also lead to designer babies. “You had me at ‘designer babies,’” said Angelina Jolie.

10. According to reports, R&B singer Robin Thicke and actress Paula Patton have separated after eight years of marriage. Said Patton, “I just can’t be with someone who can’t think of something that rhymes with ‘hug me.'”

February 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Taco Bell announced that they will start serving breakfast. Just in case you want to start out your day by telling the world you give up.

2. Two Missouri students went more than 60 rounds Saturday in a spelling bee that eventually was declared a tie because organizers ran out of words. Ah Missouri, where dictionaries are only 20 pages long.

3. Celebrity chef Paula Deen drew a standing ovation from a crowd of several hundred people Sunday in Miami Beach as she made her fourth public appearance since a controversy over her admitted use of a racial epithet in the past. But, to be fair, it’s hard to throw things at the stage from a seated position.

4. Due to a rain delay, last year’s Daytona 500 was broadcast the weekend, resulting in many news outlets erroneously reporting that last year’s winner Jimmie Johnson had won the race again this year. It was still the most factually accurate story FoxNews reported all day.

5. The NFL appears on the verge of adopting a new rule that would make it a penalty for using the n-word while on the field of play. And, in unrelated NFL news, Philadelphia Eagle’s wide receiver Riley Cooper has announced his retirement, effective immediately.

6. According to documents, Iran has signed a deal to sell Iraq arms and ammunition worth $195 million. I’m not sure what’s more unnerving, the fact that Iraq now has an arsenal of weapons or that Iran had such a surplus that they could afford to sell $195 million worth.

7. According to lawyers, Kerry Kennedy’s groggy behavior after her 2012 arrest for side-swiping a tractor-trailer was not the result of a criminal act but of mistakenly taking a sleeping pill. Or, as the defense is more commonly known, pleading Kennedy.

8. According to a new study, people who are gay, lesbian or bisexual tend to die earlier in communities where citizens are less accepting of same-sex relationships. So I guess the silver-lining is that you time in Russia will only feel like an eternity.

9. Georgia’s Supreme Court ruled on Monday that a man accused of texting an unsolicited picture of his tattooed genitals to a married mother of two did not commit a crime under state law. “By chance are the Falcons looking for a quarterback,” said Brett Favre.

10. North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un is expecting his second child. And, if it turns out to be a girl, I’m expecting, in nine months, he will be expecting his second child again.

February 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pope Benedict made a surprise appearance at the Vatican on Saturday while Pope Francis was inducting 19 new Cardinals. Then, after the ceremony, Pope Benedict hung around the parking lot and told all the Cardinals that he “used to go here.”

2. President Obama on Friday criticized New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for balking at a push to raise the minimum wage. So, to answer your future question Governor Christie, yes, that is spit on your BigMac.

3. Maria von Trapp, the last of the singing children immortalized in the movie “The Sound of Music,” died on Saturday at the age of 99. Apparently she finally got around to watching NBC’s version.

4. The NFL appears on the verge of adopting a new rule that would make it a penalty for using the n-word while on the field of play. Said Peyton Manning, “I guess I’ll stick with ‘Omaha’ then.”

5. Former President George W. Bush on Sunday promoted a new initiative to help veterans transition back to civilian life. Said Bush, “This is a serious issue. It took me almost two full months to get back to drinking and doing blow after my time with the Texas Air National Guard.”

6. On Sunday, Indiana Governor Mike Pence said he does not support the legalization of marijuana in his state. Said Pence, “We Indianans like to use our time productively. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch 33 cars drive in a circle 500 times.”

7. Many NASCAR fans were upset after believing the race they were watching yesterday was this year’s Daytona 500, when FOX decided to air last year’s race during a rain delay in Florida. The last time NASCAR fans were this upset about a race it was black people.

8. On Saturday, comedian Kevin Hart won the coveted Entertainer of the Year at the NAACP Image Awards. Which explains Tyler Perry’s next movie, “Madea Kills Kevin Hart.”

9. Yesterday, the Brooklyn Nets signed Jason Collins to a ten-day contract, making him the first openly gay man to play in one of the four major sports leagues in the U.S. Although one could consider forcing Collins to play on the Nets a hate crime.

10. Yesterday, the Brooklyn Nets signed Jason Collins to a ten-day contract, making him the first openly gay man to play in one of the four major sports leagues in the U.S. “I guess I jumped the gun getting those business cards made,” said Michael Sam.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A venture capitalist seeking to break California into six new states has won approval to begin collecting the signatures needed to get his plan on the ballot in November. Begging the question, if successful, what will they rename the state containing East Los Angeles considering “New Mexico” is already taken?

2. Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim has tightened his grip on America Movil, Latin America’s biggest phone company yesterday. Slim solidified his position by buying all the tin cans and string in Mexico.

3. On Tuesday, an 84-year-old nun was sentenced to 35 months in prison for breaking into a nuclear facility. But, on the plus-side, flying nun.

4. Yesterday, a Chinese man climbed into the tiger enclosure at the Chengdu Zoo and tried, unsuccessfully, to commit suicide by coaxing the tigers to eat him. Said the tigers, “We thought about eating him, but we all knew we’d be hungry again in an hour.”

5. According to a new study, the negative physical and mental effects tied to bullying among children and teens may accumulate throughout the years, So keep it up bullies, it’s working.

6. On Friday, President Obama granted a billion dollar loan to Middle East ally Jordan. Although it seems like Jordan could save a lot of time by cutting out the middle man and talking to China directly.

7. On Friday, Actress Ellen Page, who was nominated for an Oscar for her role in “Juno,” publically announced that she is gay. Now we’ll have to see how that affects her NFL draft value.

8. On Friday, the Pope gave advice on how to have a happy marriage to a crowd composed of thousands of engaged couples. He told the men to “never go to bed angry” and advised the women to “always mind the balls.”

9. Sunday night the NBA held its All-Star game with the East squad beating the West team 163 to 155. With all those NBA players gathered in one place, child support process servers called it their easiest night of the year.

10. Over the weekend, Czech Republic’s Eva Samkova, the eventual gold-medalist in women’s snowboardcross, sported a mustache during her final run for good luck. So now seems like a good time to re-drug test the woman with the mustache who won the gold.

February 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night, in women’s hockey, Canada edged out the U.S. 3-to-2 in a thrilling overtime victory in the gold medal match. So good luck to the city of Toronto, there’s no telling what kind of damage Rob Ford can do now that he has a reason to party.

2. A venture capitalist seeking to break California into six new states has won approval to begin collecting the signatures needed to get his plan on the ballot in November. Begging the question, if successful, what will they rename the state containing East Los Angeles considering “New Mexico” is already taken?

3. Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim has tightened his grip on America Movil, Latin America’s biggest phone company yesterday. Slim solidified his position by buying all the tin cans and string in Mexico.

4. As a result of a friendly wager they placed on the women’s hockey gold medal match, President Obama now owes Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper a case of beer. “I’ve got a story involving 42 women, a bet and a case of beer, but it ends very differently,” said former President Bill Clinton.

5. A new study shows, high school students who discussed condoms via text message were almost four times as likely to use protection when they had sex. “Oh, that’s where we went wrong,” said the stars of MTV’s Teen Mom, “we were never high school students.”

6. On Wednesday, the Dallas Cowboys won a coin flip against the Baltimore Ravens which awarded them the 16th pick in the upcoming NFL Draft. So congratulations to the Dallas Cowboys on finally winning something after the month of December.

7. On Tuesday, an 84-year-old nun was sentenced to 35 months in prison for breaking into a nuclear facility. But, on the plus-side, flying nun.

8. On Friday, former American Idol judge Simon Cowell and his girlfriend welcomed a baby boy into the world. Said Cowell, “It’s great to finally have someone to borrow shirts from.”

9. A Kentucky pastor, who starred in a reality show entitled “Snake Salvation” about a snake-handling church, has died due to an untreated rattlesnake bite. “Oh no, what’s gonna happen to the church?” said his follower.

10. At the Sochi Winter Olympics, a fan was ejected from the Games for yelling, “It’s okay to be gay.” But, in that guy’s defense, that is the most supportive way to cheer on the male figure-skaters.

February 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, the heavily favored Russian men’s hockey team was eliminated from the Olympics by Finland. But, on the plus side, the loss has united the country, I saw a Russian government official and a gay guy beating the shit out of a Fin.

2. Many are voicing their concern that the U.S. and Canadian women’s hockey teams are so good that it’s unfair. Although I don’t think it’s fair to complain if your women’s hockey team was disqualified because they had beards, I’m looking at you all of eastern Europe.

3. On Wednesday, Signet Jewelers signed a $1.4 billion deal to buy jewelry retailer Zales. “Wow, Mr. Signet must have really fucked up,” said Kobe Bryant.

4. Yesterday, a Chinese man climbed into the tiger enclosure at the Chengdu Zoo and tried, unsuccessfully, to commit suicide by coaxing the tigers to eat him. “The tigers wouldn’t attack a guy who was asking to be attacked? You gotta be kidding me!” said Siegfried.

5. Yesterday, a Chinese man climbed into the tiger enclosure at the Chengdu Zoo and tried, unsuccessfully, to commit suicide by coaxing the tigers to eat him. Said the tigers, “We thought about eating him, but we all knew we’d be hungry again in an hour.”

6. Two varieties of Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets have been recalled because they may contain meat that has already been recalled by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. But, if you’re eating Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets, what do you really have to lose?

7. Two varieties of Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets have been recalled because they may contain meat that has already been recalled by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. That’s weird, I thought we were all operating under that assumption to begin with.

8. President Obama on Wednesday sharply criticized the Venezuelan government for arresting protestors. Said Obama, “They should do what all civilized governments do, extensively spy on their own citizens and get the IRS to screw with the really annoying ones.

9. On Wednesday, Yankee captain Derek Jeter faced the media and explained his upcoming retirement by saying he wants to try new things. For instance, boo-ing A-Rod from the stands.

10. Grammy-winning R&B singer Cee Lo Green, a judge on NBC’s “The Voice,” said he has decided to leave the popular show after four seasons. Said fellow-judge Christina Aguilera, “Oh no, I’m the fat one again.”

February 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend the U.S. men’s hockey team prevailed over host nation Russia in a dramatic overtime shootout. Then, after the game, Russian President Vladimir Putin visited the Russian locker room and conducted a “shootout” of his own.

2. Former Congressman Mel Reynolds has been arrested in Zimbabwe after state media reported the convicted sex offender had been found with pornography in a local hotel. Said Reynolds, “Where can I do this?”

3. According to a new study, when picking a new doctor, most people factor reviews left on ratings websites into their decisions. “People are reading things online about their doctors? That’s not good for me,” said Conrad Murray.

4. On Wednesday, a fisherman from El Salvador who says he spent 13 months adrift in the Pacific Ocean, surviving on turtle blood and fish he caught with his bare hands, vowed he would not venture back out to sea. “But we apologized already and gave you a voucher,” said Carnival Cruise Lines.

5. President Obama said on Friday he is considering new ways to pressure the government of Syria and President Bashar al-Assad. First step, say hello to the new Syrian ambassador Dennis Rodman.

6. Eleanor Roosevelt was named the greatest first lady of the United States in a survey of historians released on Saturday. Eleanor edged out the second most popular response, “Who gives a shit.”

7. Last week a bill was introduced in Romania’s Parliament that, if successful, would grant dolphins the same rights as humans due to their developed intelligence. “You know that I’m against all dolphins being treated equally,” said Richie Incognito.

8. A South Carolina woman was sentenced to spend a night in jail for failing to return a VHS copy of “Monster-in-Law” she rented in 2005. The judge settled on one night in jail after determining that the woman who watched “Monster-in-Law” had already suffered enough.

9. Four days after Valentine’s Day, 1-800-Flowers is still apologizing via Twitter and Facebook to the nearly 400 customers whose flowers never showed up. Said one dissatisfied customer, “I swear I didn’t forget, sweetie. I ordered flowers ahead of time. See? Look at this tweet …oh, don’t call me an asshole.”

10. According to a new study, the negative physical and mental effects tied to bullying among children and teens may accumulate throughout the years, So keep it up bullies, it’s working.

February 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, President Obama granted a billion dollar loan to Middle East ally Jordan. Although it seems like Jordan could save a lot of time and cut out the middle man by talking to China directly.

2. According to a new study, playing matchmaker may lead to increased levels of happiness, not just for those being matched, but for the matchmaker as well. Which doesn’t explain why my Aunt is always so goddamn miserable.

3. On Saturday, the U.S. edged out host nation Russia in a thrilling men’s ice hockey game at the Winter Olympics. Or, as it was reported in some parts of the world, Russian and American hockey teams lose to North Korea.

4. On Friday, Actress Ellen Page, who was nominated for an Oscar for her role in “Juno,” publically announced that she is gay. Now we’ll have to see how that affects her NFL draft value.

5. On Friday, the Pope gave advice on how to have a happy marriage to a crowd composed of thousands of engaged couples. He told the men to “never go to bed angry” and advised the women to “always mind the balls.”

6. Sunday night the NBA held its All-Star game with the East squad beating the West team 163 to 155. With all those NBA players gathered in one place, child support process servers called it their easiest night of the year.

7. Former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney said on Sunday he expects Hillary Clinton to seek the Democratic nomination for president come 2016. Romney said that Clinton is qualified for the position, and he should know, he’s got binders full of women.

8. A Kentucky pastor, who starred in a reality show entitled “Snake Salvation” about a snake-handling church, has died. The pastor was handling three deadly snakes while onstage delivering his sermon when suddenly, and without warning, he died of cancer.

9. Over the weekend, Czech Republic’s Eva Samkova, the eventual gold-medalist in women’s snowboardcross, sported a mustache during her final run for good luck. So now seems like a good time to re-drug test the woman with the mustache who won the gold.

10. Arizona inmate, Joseph Andrew Dekenipp, broke out of jail on Friday in order to spend Valentine’s Day with his girlfriend. Unfortunately, Dekenipp had to cut the rendezvous short in order to get back in time for his date with Big Earl.