1. A man in South Carolina was arrested after trying to pay for his lunch with a counterfeit trillion dollar bill. And, if you’re wondering, the image on a real trillion dollar bill is Benjamin Franklin with a bunch of hookers and blow.
2. Nearly two months into his tenure as Detroit mayor, Mike Duggan outlined a plan for adding jobs and removing abandoned buildings in the bankrupt city during his first state of the city address Wednesday night. Unfortunately, Duggan’s speech was cut short as a pack of roving wolves took over City Hall.
3. NASA on Wednesday announced the discovery of 715 new planets. “Now I feel like you’re just rubbing it in,” said Pluto.
4. The owner of a Christian-based marijuana dispensary in California says God told him to open up his store. He also says that God uses the word “dude” a lot.
5. For the first time ever the Oscars ceremony will be streamed in real-time online. “You might control movies and television for this one night Acadmey, but you’re out of your league here,” said porn.
6. Packaged foods sold in the U.S. would display calorie counts more prominently and include the amount of added sugar under a proposal to significantly update nutritional labels. Great idea government, combining the two things Americans love: eating healthy and reading.
7. The largest group in the conservative Tea Party movement celebrated its fifth anniversary on Thursday with a pledge to push Congress further to the right and capture the White House in 2016. Proving, even after five years, the Tea Party is delusional as ever.
8. On Thursday, California Governor Jerry Brown announced he would seek re-election to another term. Said former-Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger, “You screwed that announcement up, perfect opportunity to say “I’ll be back.'”
9. According to a new study, U.S. teenagers who use indoor tanning devices are more likely to take part in other risky behaviors, like living in New Jersey.
10. According to new research, elbow fractures can be added to a growing list of heightened health risks for obese children. But that type of thing tends to happen when you get your arm really stuck in a vending machine.
11. A Dayton, Ohio bus driver survived an attack Monday morning which he accredited to an act of God after the bible he kept in his front shirt pocket stopped two bullets. Which stands in stark to all my public bus experiences that leave me convinced that there is no God.
12. A new study suggests, handling receipts may increase the body’s levels of a chemical that has been linked to reproductive and neurological problems. “Just when I thought I couldn’t hate this job anymore,” said Wesley Snipes’s accountant.
13. On Monday, Taco Bell announced that they will start serving breakfast. It’s perfect for those days you wake up hating yourself.
14. This week it was reported that WWE legend Hulk Hogan will be returning to the ring. As a result, Hogan has been forced to update his catchphrase to: What are you gonna do when arthritis run wild on you, brother?
15. A new study suggests, overweight women who lose weight during their pregnancy may be putting their unborn child at risk. Yeah, it’s called an abortion.
16. A Chinese company has developed the world’s thinnest condom. Apparently it’s made out of the same material they used to construct the walls in my apartment building.
17. Former NFL kicker Russell Erxleben was sentenced this week to 7 1/2 years in prison for running a fraudulent investment scheme. 7 1/2 years? Who says kickers aren’t NFL athletes?
18. On Thursday, the Egyptian army claimed that they had invented the cure for AIDS and hepatitis C. They know that killing the guy doesn’t count as a cure, right?
19. A daredevil plans on jumping off Mount Everest wearing only a wingsuit, whereupon the man will set the world record for first man to be buried in a wingsuit.
20. A man who was being arrested in Key West for cocaine possession told the arresting officer that he thought cocaine wasn’t illegal in Florida. Said the cop, “No, you’re thinking of meth.”