January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

June 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Venezuelan police attacked the country’s Supreme Court by dropping grenades from a helicopter. “I wish a bitch would,” said Ruth Bader Ginsburg:

2. Yesterday French President Emmanuel Macron invited President Trump to Paris on July 14th to celebrate Bastille Day, otherwise known as French National Day. Said Trump, “Those idiots don’t even celebrate the Fourth of July on the right day.”

3. According to a new study, acupuncture paired with mild electric currents may be better than doing nothing at all to relieve urinary incontinence in women. Or, you could just move to Russia and make a career out of it:

4. Bumble, a dating app where women typically initiate the conversation, has launched a pop-up location this month in Manhattan. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a bar, you opened a bar, Bumble. Congrats.

5. Actress Lindsay Lohan is launching a subscription-only lifestyle website. But, I assume that’s a typo and meant to say Lohan’s website comes with a lifetime prescription to Valtrex.

6. On Wednesday, a man drove his car into and destroyed a newly installed Ten Commandments monument in Arkansas. Said the man, “If this doesn’t impress my neighbor’s wife nothing will.”

7. Yesterday, Joe Maddon, the manager of the World Series champion Chicago Cubs, said when you’re invited to the White House, “I think you go.” And here to provide the counter argument is Melania.

8. According to reports, President Trump’s team has been fighting with Disney World over the speech Trump’s robot will give in their Hall of President’s exhibit. The problem is if they use an actual Trump speech word-for-word it will sound like the robot is malfunctioning:

9. This week, actress Michelle Rodriguez threatened to quit the ‘Fast and Furious’ movie franchise over its treatment of women. And I agree, no one should have to try to act in a scene alongside Vin Diesel.

10. In a recent interview, actor Rob Lowe claimed to have once seen the giant mythical creature Bigfoot. Not to be outdone, Bigfoot claims to have once seen the never-aging, mythical creature Rob Lowe.

August 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, Disney announced the creation of two massive Star Wars expansions at its Disneyland and Disney World resorts. Said Star Wars fans, “Can we get a kid’s rate if we still live in our parent’s basement?”

2. Emirates Airlines has announced it will begin operating the world’s longest regularly scheduled, non-stop flight from Dubai to Panama City lasting 17 hours and 35 minutes. But, since the inflight movie is “Pixels,” it will really feel like 32 hours.

3. According to new research, although the universe continues to expand it is also slowly dying. Just like every customer at McDonald’s.

4. Donald Trump on Saturday called Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server while at the State Department “a criminal problem.” Which, compared to his recent comments about women, is basically a compliment.

5. Donald Trump said Saturday that he’s prepared to spend $1 billion on his campaign if necessary. While fellow Republican candidate Rick Perry wants to know if he can crash on your couch for a bit.

6. In a recent interview, Chicago Cubs manager Joe Madden said he has not changed his socks during his team’s current nine-game winning streak. As a result, the players are considering throwing a game due to the smell.

7. A mother in Pennsylvania has caused a controversy after she posted a picture on social media of her breastfeeding her 15-month-old son and his friend. Even worse, his friend was a 47-year-old drifter.

8. A man in Australia is recovering after receiving 100 stitches on his penis when he was bitten by his dog during a game of fetch. But, on the plus-side, 100 stitches is pretty impressive.

9. Advisors close to Vice President Joe Biden are telling him he needs to decide whether he will run for president in 2016 by October 1st. Which will leave Biden just a month to decide what he wants to be for Halloween.

10. MMA fighter Kinberly Novaes found out that she was 12 weeks pregnant when she fought Renata Balden back in May. But, this is the type of thing that’ll happen when you defund to Planned Parenthood.

November 13, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Kim Kardashian, in conjunction with Paper Magazine, released several racy photos of the reality star with the intent of “breaking the internet.” Said a disinterested internet, “It isn’t anything I haven’t seen before.”

2. An American veterinary group issued guidelines on Wednesday on how to handle pets that may have been exposed to humans with Ebola. Long story short, it ends with you buying a new cat.

3. According to a new study, 65% of women prefer sleeping to sex. While the other 35% aren’t married.

4. A woman in China turned down her boyfriend when he proposed to her using ninety-nine iPhones arranged in a heart. Said the boyfriend, “Now which one of these did I download Tinder on?”

5. Tuesday night, Khloe Kardashian posted a picture to her Instagram account of Kim, Kourtney and herself with the caption “The only KKK to ever let black men in.” “Wait, what?” said Scott Disick.

6. President Obama is receiving criticism for chewing gum while walking and talking with Chinese President Xi Jinping during an international conference in Beijing. Said President Obama, “I just wanted to prove FoxNews wrong.”

7. A Florida man has been sentenced to six months in jail for stockpiling weapons in a compound just eleven miles away from Disney World. Which serves as a friendly reminder that once you leave the Happiest Place on Earth, you’re still in Florida.

8. According to Colorado tax documents released this week, sales of recreational marijuana fell in September for the first time since the state legalized it in January. So, it’s official, you can’t rely on stoners for anything.

9. In a recent interview, Keira Knightley called Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and Google’s Sergey Brin, who she recently met at a screening of one of her movies, weird guys who wore hoodies and crocs. Said Zuckerberg and Brin, “So she remembers us!”

10. The U.S. agency that operates the National Weather Service said on Wednesday four of its websites were hacked in recent weeks. Their main suspect, El Nino.

October 6, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a question and answer session at Harvard, Joe Biden said being Vice President can be “a bitch.” But if you ask me, that’s just Biden wanting to be President and trying to convince Hillary she’d be a better fit for VP.

2. Former Secret Service Chief Julia Pearson reportedly said that the agency needs to be more like Disney World when it comes to protecting the President. So I guess the new plan is to surround Obama with all the people who held the position before him, call it “the Hall of Presidents” and bore the intruders to death.

3. In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin said Ukraine has always been and would continue to be the closet sister nation to Russia. And just like a sister, Putin is insisting that they have the same name.

4. A new study has found that Viagra can cause blindness in 1 out of 50 men. And, depending on who you’re married to, that could also help with the problem.

5. On Saturday, U.S. disease-control agents removed a sick passenger from a United Airlines jet that landed in Newark, New Jersey, but federal health officials later ruled out the possibility of Ebola. Officials now believe that it was just normal naseau associated with arriving in New Jersey.

6. The National Football League will being testing for human growth hormone starting today. And, in related news, the NFL has been cancelled.

7. Last night, New England Patriot Tom Brady became only the sixth quarterback in NFL history to throw for over 50,000 career passing yards. Brady proves what you can do when you work hard, believe in yourself and play the Jets twice a year.

8. A beef processing plant in Texas has recalled over 90,000 pounds of ground beef after consumers complained about finding pieces of metal inside the meat. “If people start caring about what’s in their meat, we’re screwed,” said hotdog makers.

9. A new policy from the American Academy of Pediatrics advises that teenagers should use implanted forms of birth rather than the pill. The APP suggests using such implanted devices like a diaphragm, the NuvaRing or a mousetrap.

10. A Nebraska hospital is preparing for the expected arrival of an Ebola patient who contracted the disease in Liberia. They are preparing by locking all their doors and getting the hell out of town.

August 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, University of West Virginia starting quarterback Clint Trickett told reporters that Alabama head coach Nick Saban’s daughter, Kristen, was his first kiss when they were both 6-years-old. Nick Saban is understandably upset, but not as upset as West Virginia fans who believe a first kiss is supposed to be something special shared with someone within your immediate family.

2. According to a new survey, one out of every three Mexicans would immigrate to the U.S. if given the opportunity. While the other two are already here.

3. Zookeepers in China suspect a giant panda faked her pregnancy to get preferential treatment. Well, thats the last time I give up my seat on the subway to a pregnant panda bear.

4. Zookeepers in China suspect a giant panda faked her pregnancy to get preferential treatment. “Wish I had thought of that first,” said Casey Anthony.

5. According to an official statement released by the USC Athletics Department, senior cornerback Josh Shaw’s story that he injured both ankles by jumping off a balcony to save his nephew from drowning was a complete fabrication. Said Shaw, “Now comes the hard part, coming clean to my girlfriend, Lennay Kekua.”

6. A U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs officials on Wednesday defended a training guide provided to its Philadelphia office depicting veterans as Oscar the Grouch. Which may seem insensitive, but it’s pretty accurate, they both live on the streets and are missing their legs.

7. Under a bill passed by lawmakers on Wednesday, death certificates in California would be changed to reflect the gender identity of people at the time of their death rather than their sex at birth. Said one California coroner, “That’s fine, but just know the moment Bruce Jenner dies, I quit.”

8. A Texas couple has filed a lawsuit against the owners of a Fort Worth-area day care center for duct-taping their 2-year-old son to a mat because he was unruly at nap time. Said the day care center, “Why can’t you guys just be cool about this like Mat’s parents?”

9. A Florida company plans to build what it believes will be the biggest medical marijuana factory in the country, hoping the economy of scale will lower the cost of the drug. Although, it might be easier to just annex Jamaica.

10. A Florida company plans to build what it believes will be the biggest medical marijuana factory in the country. It will be called “Dizzy World.”

July 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns announced that they will use a real, live dog named Swagger as their mascot next year. Swagger will accurately represent the Browns as he too will take a dump on the field every Sunday.

2. The first group of Central Americans deported under stepped up U.S. efforts to crack down on illegal immigration arrived in Honduras on Monday. Said the group, “See you on Tuesday.”

3. On Sunday, an Italian newspaper quoted Pope Francis as saying that about two percent of clerics are sexual abusers. So it’s a good chance your priest is part of that two percent if he starts off every sermon by legally informing the congregation that he is the neighborhood.

4. A power outage on Sunday forced the evacuation of 120 passengers on Disney World’s monorail in Orlando, Florida. Unfortunately, the Hall of Presdients was unaffected.

5. Scientists have developed a robot that writes Jewish Torah scrolls. “You couldn’t have programmed him to be a doctor?” said the robot’s mother.

6. According to a new book, Michelle Obama’s nickname for former Secretary of State of Hillary Clinton is Hildabeast. Said Bill Clinton, “I prefer a shorter nickname, that way it’s easier for people to warn me that she’s coming.”

7. Two California politicians have called for Bob Beckel, the host of Fox News Channel’s “The Five,” to resign after his use of the term “Chinamen” on air. Said Beckel, “Sorry, I want to be politically correct, I meant Chinamen and Chinawomen.”

8. During a phone call on Monday, President Obama told Chinese President Xi Jinping that he wants U.S.-Chinese relations defined by more cooperation and communication. A message that may have been better received if Obama hadn’t called Xi collect.

9. According to a study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics, nickel in the first-generation of iPads likely triggered an allergic reaction in an 11-year-old boy. But, since the newer versions of the product no longer contain nickel, the boy has been able to return to his job at the Apple factory in China.

10. According to Bloomberg, LeBron James’ decision to return to Cleveland means the Cavaliers are now worth more than $1 billion. Experts say the only other way to have increased the franchise’s value that much that quickly would have been to move them out of Cleveland.

April 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Mercedes Benz and CarMax have pulled their sponsorship deals with the Los Angeles Clippers in the wake of owner Donald Sterling’s racist comments. But those companies have been quickly replaced by new sponsors Paula Deen’s Hometown Buffet and the entire state of Alabama.

2. Country music legend Willie Nelson turns 81 today. To celebrate, friends are throwing him a surprise party, but when you’re Willie Nelson, aren’t all parties surprise parties?

3. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent while making only $8.03 an hour. Which is why the seven dwarfs live together in real life too.

4. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent making while only $8.03 an hour. Said one employee, “It all started to go downhill when we installed Barack Obama in the Hall of Presidents.”

5. Researchers have found 3,000 different kinds of bacteria living on $1 bills. So it turns out Sally Struthers was wrong, I actually saved more lives by not sending that dollar a day.

6. Colorado lawmakers approved legislation on Monday that limits the use of solitary confinement for prison inmates. Said one prisoner, “Great, a roommate? Now I gotta put my name on all my shivs.”

7. California lawmakers took steps on Monday to ban so-called extortion websites from posting mug shots of people who have been arrested and then demanding payment to remove the photos. The victims call it a crass way to make a buck, while Lindsay Lohan calls it the most positive publicity she’s had in years.

8. A letter from a passenger on the Titanic written just hours before the ship hit an iceberg and sunk, sold at auction on Saturday for $200,000. The letter reads, “Trip has been great. Just the vacation I needed. Staff has been attentive, although for some reason they keep rearranging the deck chairs.”

9. A bearded Austrian drag queen named Conchita Wurst will take to the European stage as her country’s contender for Eurovision, the extremely popular television singing contest that pits nation against nation. If Wurst fails to win, she will return to her day job, Cher impersonator.

10. An Ohio woman has been charged with petty theft after cemetery surveillance video caught her taking a toy off the grave of a young boy. As a result, I will have to find a new place to get my flowers.

Monologue Jokes – June 4, 2013

1. In a recent interview, actor Michael Douglas revealed that the throat cancer he was diagnosed with three years ago was caused by oral sex. Funny, if I had to pick a vagina that would give you cancer I would have gone with Monica Lewinsky’s due to its fondness for cigars.

2. Yesterday, the first pornographic app for Google Glass was announced, causing Google to officially ban sexually explicit material from the futuristic eyewear. Thanks, but no thanks Google, I already have a regular pair of glasses.

3. Twitter was down for about a half-hour on Monday after a glitch during a routine change. “Going down for a half-hour is nothing,” said Michael Douglas.

4. China told a North Korean envoy, including leader Kim Jong-Un, to stop conducting nuclear and missile tests. Although it was suspicious that China emphasized the word “tests.”

5. Yesterday, 10-time All-Star Jason Kidd retired after 19 seasons. Although, if you watched any of the Knicks’ playoff games you know he retired months ago.

6. A team of researchers from Georgia Tech say they’ve discovered a way to hack into iPhones and iPads in less than a minute using a “malicious charger.” Next up for the team, developing a puppy that gives you cancer. Stop actively ruining things we love!

7. Legendary Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly will undergo surgery after being diagnosed with cancer of the upper jaw bone. Damn you Catherine Zeta Jones!

8. A leading Republican congressman proposed legislation on Monday that critics say would force President Obama to keep the Guantanamo Bay military prison open and fund renovations. Say what you will about the practices at Gitmo, I think everyone can agree that the water-boarding room needs new curtains.

9. Disney World has raised its ticket prices to nearly $100 per ticket. In addition, they have changed their theme song to “M-I-C, See you real soon, K-E-Y, Why? Because you’re a sucker.”

10. Today Amazon announced a new $200 million licensing agreement with Viacom, giving it access to hit shows like Dora the Explorer and SpongeBob SquarePants. As a result, Dora will be cutting back on her exploring and spending more time at her Beverly Hills estate.