Tag Archives: Casey Anthony

October 7, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Authorities say that temporary water filters installed in homes in Newark are at least 97 percent effective in reducing lead in drinking water. “Newark? You know what, I think we’re good right here,” said residents of Flint. 

2. Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday joined a groundswell of support for permanently banning serial transit pervs from riding the city’s subways. “TAXI!!!!” yelled Anthony Weiner.

3. Last week, Mattel, the 75-year-old toymaker behind Barbie, launched it’s first ever gender-fluid doll. “First ever?” said Ken, looking down. 

4. The Kremlin said on Monday that Washington would need Russian consent to publish transcripts of phone calls between President Trump and his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. And if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s getting consent: 

5. After being cut by the New England Patriots, receiver Antonio Brown enrolled at Central Michigan University to finish his college degree. Which is weird, if he wanted to play amateur football, he could have just stayed on the Raiders.

6. According to a new study, living near a coastline improves mental health.“Told ya so Wilson” said one such beachside resident: 

7. President Trump called for an end to religious persecution on Monday at the United Nations. Adding, “Mexican isn’t a religion, right?”

8. French researchers are developing what they say is the most powerful MRI scanner in the world which will use a supermagnet the weight of a blue whale. It’s the first machine that will diagnosis and give you cancer at the exact same time.

9. During his Congressional testimony last Thursday, the Acting Director of National Intelligence said he did not know the identity of the anonymous White House whistleblower who filed a complaint against President Trump. Although, he has a guess:

10. According to “The New York Post,” Casey Anthony is considering having another child. Sounds like someone’s got a new car with extra trunk space. 

11. Jerry Seinfeld has defeated a lawsuit claiming he stole the idea for the Netflix hit “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” from a former colleague. And, in related news, still no one wants to take credit for “The Marriage Ref”:

12. According to “The New York Times,” President Trump suggested shooting migrants in the legs in order to slow them down after crossing the southern border. Or they could do what Melania does when she wants to slow Donald down:

13. According to reports, when President Trump was denied his request for a Southern border moat and told he can’t shot migrants in the legs, he allegedly yelled, “I ran on this issue. You’re making me look like an idiot.” To which his advisors replied, “I think you’re giving us way too much credit for that, Sir.”

14. Last week, teenager in New Mexico was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Officials became suspicious that he wasn’t a real cop when he pulled over an African American and did not shoot him.

15. This week, President Trump incorrectly attacked “The Washington Post” for an article that ran in “The New York Times.” Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, I’m great with names, just ask Not Ivanka #1 an Not Ivanka #2.”:

16. This week, Disney revealed its first openly gay couple, Orka and Flix from the tv series “Star Wars Resistence.” That story again, Chip continues to deny his feelings for Dale:

17. The University of Kansas has apologized for a performance by rapper Snoop Dogg that featured drug references and dancers on stripper poles. Said the school, “We apologize, how could we have known that Snoop Dogg would behave exactly the same as he has for the past thirty years.”

18. Ahead of this year’s holiday season, a California company is selling kale-flavored candy canes. “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said lumps of coal.

August 3, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. At a rally this week, President Trump falsely claimed that photo ID is required to buy groceries in the U.S. Which means cashiers and Nancy O’Dell frequently tell Trump the same thing, “Sir, please put that away, I don’t need to see that.”

2. Jeremy Hunt the new British foreign secretary, made a diplomatic gaffe on Monday, calling his Chinese-born wife Japanese during talks with his counterpart in Beijing. Said Hunt, “Look, all I know is that she can’t drive worth a shit.”

3. According to ‘People’ magazine, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra are engaged. So now you won’t know if a tabloid is calling Nick and Priyanka by their celebrity couple name or running a story about Jeremy Piven when they say there was a ‘Prick” sighting.

4. The former head of human resources at the FEMA, Corey Coleman, has been accused of trading sex for jobs at the agency. “So, that job is open now?” asked Harvey Weinstein.

5. Staff at the Eiffel Tower walked out on strike on Wednesday. Begging the question, how do you know an Eiffel Tower employee is ignoring your request for help because he is on strike or just bring French?

6. Bowing to pressure from China, American Airlines, Delta Air Lines and United Airlines removed references to Taiwan from maps on their websites. Not to be outdone, Malaysian Airlines did away with using maps altogether years ago.

7. Tomasz Stanko, a Polish trumpeter and prominent figure in avant-garde jazz for decades, died on Sunday at the age of 76. Thus bringing about the most welcomed moment of silence in history.

8. President Trump said on Monday he would be willing to meet Iran’s leader without preconditions, saying, “If they want to meet, we’ll meet.” “That gives me an idea,” said Robert Mueller putting on a hijab:

9. According to multiple sources, during discussions about renewable energy, President Trump more than once declared “I hate the wind.” While Eric is not a big fan of fire:

10. In a recent interview, long-time ‘Jeopardy’ host Alex Trebek hinted that he may soon retire and suggested Dan Coates as a possible replacement. Begging he question, Who is Dan Coates.

11. Scientists recently observed a mourning orca mom carrying her dead baby for days through the ocean. “She didn’t have a car trunk?” asked Casey Anthony.

12. In an upcoming episode of “Finding Your Roots,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan learns that he is “slightly Jewish.” And, speaking as a Jew, my feelings when I found Ryan was also Jewish can be summed up in one meme:

13. President Donald Trump on Friday denied knowing about the 2016 meeting his son Donald Trump Jr. held at Trump Tower with a group of Russians. Look, I know Trump lies a lot, but him not giving a single fuck about what Don Jr. is up to seems very believable.

14. According to a new study, women are more sexually adventurous when they are trying to conceive a child. For instance, when Baron was conceived Melania agreed to have sex with Donald.

15. A mens clothing startup is set to launch an app the recommends clothing based on a guy’s Spotify playlist. Here’s what it recommends for the Coldplay listener:

16. Yane Petkov reclaimed on Tuesday the Guinness world record for swimming with his hands and feet tied while fully wrapped inside a sack. It’s cool that he set a record, but next time maybe he should just pay his bookie.

17. Over the weekend, President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign addressed rumors that it is paying Chinese manufacturers to produce campaign flags. Said the campaign staff, “Yes were are using Chinese manufacturers but, as is the Trump way, we don’t plan on paying them.”

18. According to sources, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are planning on staying in Washington D.C. for as long as President Trump does. So, Monday thru Thursday?:

May 11, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This year, a 132-pound ovarian tumor was removed from a 38-year-old Connecticut woman. Not to be outdone, this woman got rid of a 230-pound tumor this year:

2. Film producer Harvey Weinstein is fighting back against insurer Chubb, saying they must pay for his legal defense against 11 lawsuits that accuse him of sexually harassment. But much like every robe Weinstein has ever owned, Chubb said there’s no way they can possibly cover it all.

3. After President Trump announced the U.S. withdrawal from the Iran nuclear deal this week, the Supreme Leader of Iran said, Trump, “will turn to dust and his body will become food for snakes and ants.” “Man, that’s a pretty harsh sentence,” said snakes and ants.

4. According to a new study, Hispanic drivers are at twice the risk of falling asleep at the wheel compared to white drivers. Begging the question, is the ‘J’ in Billy Joel silent?

5. Over the weekend, the original manuscript for Alcoholics Anonymous was sold to an NFL team owner for $2.4 million. That’s not surprising, you’d have to be pretty drunk to buy the Cleveland Browns.

6. A Colorado woman has been charged with destruction of property after she allegedly blew up microwave in a 7/11 store while trying to heat up a container of urine before a drug test. Said the store owner, “If you like warm piss, we have some unrefrigerated Mountain Dew in the back.”

7. In Utah, a couple gardening in their yard fund the skeleton of a 16,000 year old horse. And I’m not sure who I feel worse for, the long-dead horse or the guy forced garden with his wife.

8. The governing body of world athletics has suspended five Russian race walkers from competition for training with a banned coach. So I stand corrected, being a competitive race walker is apparently not rock bottom.

9. Last week, during a tense NHL playoff hockey game, a Boston Bruin attempted to lick one of his opponents. “I’m okay with it, as along as those two aren’t married,” said DJ Khalid.

10. President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said he feels pretty good about his recent media appearances because “everyone is reacting to us now.” “Agreed,” said a guy who pulled out his dick in a Starbucks.

11. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. But added, “If it’s not sunny out, I’ll settle for a lukewarm dog”:

12. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. He also said he enjoys “partaking in American style foot ball and creamed ice.”

13. According to reports, people close to Senator John McCain have told the White House that he does not want President Trump to attend to his funeral. And, to rub it in even more, McCain wants his funeral to take place on the back nine of the Trump International Golf Course.

14. Last weekend, a Chipotle threw a burrito-themed baby shower for a couple who given birth to their child in the restaurant’s parking lot. “If they start celebrating every time someone ‘gives birth’ to a six-pound, seven ounce bundle, they’ll never get anything done around here,” said everyone waiting line to use the bathroom.

15. On Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence’s older brother, Greg Pence, won the Republican nomination for his congressional bid in Indiana. Two Pences on the prowl D.C., you know what that means, hide your ladies, no seriously they don’t like being around women.

16. According to a new poll, less than one in three Americans agrees with President Trump’s decision to pull the United States out of the Iran nuclear deal. While the other third, just heard ‘Trump’ and ‘pull out’ and immediately said yes:

17. On Wednesday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un related three imprisoned American citizens into the custody of America. Adding, “Now Mr. Trump, you release your hostage”:

18. According to reports, President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President following the 2016 election to potential clients. “How much would fifteen minutes and a hug cost?” said Don Jr.

19. President Trump’s new attorney, Rudy Giuliani, told CNN on Thursday that Trump “wasn’t aware” his longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President to potential clients following the 2016 election. Added Giuliani, “But if you give me $15,000, you can ask Trump that question yourself.”

20. According to a new study, fathers who exercise may have smarter babies. “That’s impressive, but according to my study, the cow goes ruff,” said Don Jr.

21. On Monday, billionaire investor Warren Buffett compared bitcoin to rat poison. “That’s ridiculous, I can’t feed bitcoin to my daughter,” said Casey Anthony.

22. Comedian Ken Jeong, who is a trained physician, stopped in the middle of a performance and attended to a fan in the crowd who was having a seizure. Said Carrot Top, “I cannot even imagine that, what’s it like to have a fan?”

September 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer finally met Pope Francis after being left out during President Trump’s visit to the Vatican earlier this year. Spicer and the Pope bonded overing comparing stories of what it’s like to work for a boss who has a God complex.

2. During a press conference on Monday, President Trump mistook two different blond reporters as the same woman. “Oh, maybe it’s not just a playful jokes that he always calls me Ivanka,” said Tiffany.

3. A planned film adaptation of ‘Lord of the Flies’ is the works that will feature an all female cast. The writer got the idea for an island full of women who turn on each other after hanging out with a group of women for more than five minutes.

4. A constipated gorilla at the Topeka Zoo in Kansas underwent surgery last week. The gorilla is still constipated, but, now, has a really nice set of tits.

5. In response to President Trump’s lackluster statements in the wake of Charlottesville, James Murdoch, the CEO of Fox, said “There are no good Nazis.” Adding, “And I should know, I’ve been looking to fill that 7pm slot on Fox News for months now.”

6. NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith said a work stoppage after the current collective bargaining agreement expires in 2021 is “a virtual certainty.” But just to be safe, the Jets decided to stop playing four years ago.

7. An 800-year-old sandstone coffin at a museum in Britain was damaged on Sunday after a family put a child into it for a photo and knocked off a small piece. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same reason Casey Anthony is banned from MOMA.

8. The president of the Girls Scouts of America has accused the Boy Scouts of America of trying to undercut the organization through a “covert campaign to recruit girls.” Although I wouldn’t call the neckerchief ‘covert’:

9. A Russian tanker built to crush ice in its path, completed a journey in record time from Europe to Asia. Thus marking the second time in recent history Russia defeated an icy and frigid opponent:

10. According to a new study, many older adults may mishear important medical information from their healthcare providers. So, yeah, there’s a good chance your grandmother’s doctor wasn’t saying she’s an “advanced dancer.”

11. Pigs that were saved from a fire in England earlier this year have been served to their rescuers as sausages by the farmer who wanted to thank the firefighters for their efforts. “They also saved us,” said the farmer’s very nervous kids.

12. Connecticut is the first state to allow judges to appoint attorneys as advocates for dogs and cats in cases of abuse and neglect. “So now I have two clients who can lick themselves,” said Steve Bannon’s lawyer.

13. On Monday, Russian gold-medal figure-skater Yulia Lipnitskaya retired from the sport at the age of 19. Or, according to Woody Allen, five years past her prime.

14. According to a new study, teens who start drinking at younger ages are more likely to have their first sexual encounter earlier than others. “Noted,” said teenage boys.

15. John Bolton, a former U.S. ambassador who at one point was a candidate to lead the State Department, claimed in an op-ed published Monday that he is no longer allowed to see President Trump. Or, as they refer to it in the Trump administration, being given ‘the Eric treatment.’

16. President Trump said he pardoned Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio in the middle of Hurricane Harry because he “assumed the ratings would be far higher.” So, maybe, if we can get a Sharknado going, he’ll announce his resignation.

17. Five people in South Africa were arrested this week for taking part in an alleged cannibalism ring after one man told police he was “tired of eating human flesh.” Proving once again, no one likes leftovers.

18. Last week, authorities in Saudi Arabia arrested teenage boy after he was seen publicly dancing to ‘The Macarena.’ And, since this is Saudi Arabia, I’m assuming it wasn’t at a bar-mitzvah.

19. ESPN analyst Ed Cunningham announced Wednesday that he is resigning from his role due to concerns regarding head injuries within the sport. In response, former NFL player and current ESPN analyst Emmitt Smith said, “Watermelon!”

20. Amazon and Microsoft announced on Wednesday a collaboration that will allow their respective voice assistants, Alexa and Cortana, to communicate with each other. But, so far, it’s just them talking shit about Siri.

21. According to a new study, young adults who use meth may have an increased risk of strokes. That story again, meth is bad.

22. President Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., has agreed to sit down for a transcribed interview with the Senate judiciary committee. Don Jr. agreed to the meeting after the Senate judiciary committee promised to provide dirt on Hillary Clinton.

23. According to a new study, women with high concentrations of common flame retardants in their urine may have a hard time getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. But, on the plus-side, if they do, fire-proof babies.

24. This weekend, an Asian-American actress on ABC’s ‘Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ claimed that Hollywood is racist. “If that’s the case, why doesn’t Hollywood like me more?’ asked Trump.

25. Last week, the White House named Hope Hicks the interim director of communications. Well, they name her director of communications, everyone else just assumed the ‘interim’ part.

June 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Google revealed on Tuesday that the most-searched-for jobs are government jobs. Or, more accurately, how to get out of government jobs:

2. Paul McCartney announced this week that he will tour Australia for the first time in over twenty years. Said Australians, “Come to think of it, we haven’t seen John in a while either.”

3. It was alleged yesterday that former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn failed to reported yet another foreign trip involving Russia. Although, at this point, I think it’s safe to call Flynn’s trips to America his foreign trips.

4. On Tuesday, three-time Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis announced that he is retiring from acting. Which is the same announcement my wife gave me in bed after we got married.

5. A Texas woman, who police said packed a loaded pistol in her vagina, has been sentenced to probation after she pleaded guilty. Said the judge, “Is there any room up there for an ankle monitor?”

6. Saudi Arabia’s King Salman has appointed his 31-year-old son Mohammed bin Salman as crown prince and, thus, his immediate successor. Said Trump, “Does he not have a son-in-law?”

7. A Florida woman was arrested after trying to get rid of her 2-year-old son by offering him to complete strangers. “I don’t understand, did she not have a car with a trunk?” asked Casey Anthony.

8. Attorney General Jeff Sessions has become the latest member of the Trump administration to retain a personal lawyer. According to reports, Sessions first question for his new attorney was, “What’s this Constitution thingy I keep hearing about?”

9. A Russian Orthodox priest claims that beards guards against homosexuality. “Trust me, we don’t” said Kelly Preston.

10. A man in the U.K., who was sent home from work for wearing shorts, came back wearing a dress. Good news, he was allowed to wear the dress, bad news, he now makes 30% less.

April 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a recent poll, Bill Cosby’s “Little Bill” children’s book series is on the list of books Americans most often asked librarians to pull from shelves last year. Ironically, requesting people to “pull Little Bill” is what got Cosby into this mess to begin with.

2. In a recent interview, actor and noted Republican Stephen Baldwin said he hasn’t spoken with his brother Alec Baldwin, who impersonates President Trump on SNL, since the election. But it’s not because of differing politics but because Alec has caller ID.

3. According to a ‘New York Times’ report, White House chief strategist Steve Bannon’s world view can be traced back to a book called ‘The Fourth Turning.’ While President Trump’s world view can be traced back to whatever Steve Doocy said that morning on ‘Fox & Friends.’

4. On Monday, Tim Berners-Lee, the inventor of the World Wide Web, said the internet needs a complete rethink to prevent spying and the spread of “nasty, mean ideas” on social media. Berners-Lee said we need to get back to the original purpose of the web, connecting people to other people and then connecting those people to pornography.

5. The United States, Mexico and Canada are considering a joint bid to host the 2026 World Cup soccer tournament. That story again, Canada has agreed to be the third wheel on a date with a couple that hates each other.

6. Sunday night, United forcibly removed a passenger from an overbooked flight while fellow-passengers video taped the incident on their phones but didn’t intervene. So I guess the people in the exit row who promised to help in the event of an emergency were all fucking liars.

7. Over the weekend, President Trump accepted his Chinese counterpart Xi Jinping’s invitation to visit China. So now Trump can finally get a firsthand look at the factories that make his ties.

8. Ford has developed a prototype crib that simulates a car ride for babies that only fall asleep while in motion. “I’m pretty sure I invented that?” said Casey Anthony.

9. Airbnb has permanently banned a host who cancelled a woman’s reservation because the guest was Asian. That story again, your Vietnam vet grandfather’s unfamiliarity with technology is now only the second best reason he can’t rent out his home on Airbnb.

10. According to a new study, talking to your dog is a sign of intelligence. “Does yelling ‘Finish him!’ count?” asked Michael Vick.

April 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Scientists say new evidence reveals that the T-Rex was a sensitive lover. “Hey girl,” said this guy:

2. On Monday, the White House unveiled its official portrait of First Lady Melania Trump. Let’s take a look:

3. The Trump administration has struck down an Obama-era rule protecting hibernating bears in Alaska. Although, if bears are anything like humans, they’re not getting much sleep under this administration either.

4. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are renting their Washington D.C. house for $15,000 a month. The house was on the market for $10,000 a month, but the couple let Donald negotiate for them.

5. Trump National Golf Club in Virginia was vandalized over the weekend with the intruders spray-painting “RESIST” on a fairway. Which is smart, instead of protesting at the White House, the vandals when to Trump’s office.

6. Swimmer Dana Vollmer, a five-time winner of Olympic gold who is six months pregnant, announced on social media that she will compete at a meet next month. Even more impressive, Vollmer’s unborn baby still won’t be the least mature member of the U.S. Swimming team:

7. A Chinese man broke a record last week after he moved seven cars 26 feet using nothing but his testicles. The man is a one person AAA, except, in his case, it’s pronounced “Aaaagggghhhh!!!!!”

8. A Chinese man broke a record last week after he moved seven cars 26 feet using nothing but his testicles. He towed the first car with his balls, then they hung low enough to reach the gas pedal to move the remaining six.

9. According to reports, Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson may star in a reality TV show together. Which is a weird way to announced that “How To Get Away With Murder” has been renewed for another season.

10. In a recent interview, Ivanka Trump said she didn’t know what the word “complicit” meant. Don’t worry, Ivanka, the judge will explain it to you.

April 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson may star in a reality TV show together. It will be the most literal season of ‘Surviror’ ever.

2. Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced that President Trump’s first quarter salary of $78,333 will be donated to the National Parks Service. Trump made the donation with one caveat, that the Parks Service use the money to buy Photoshop:

3. According to new research, babies cry more in Britain, Canada, Italy and Netherlands than in other countries, while newborns in Denmark, Germany and Japan cry and fuss the least. Researchers also found that babies tend to cry longer in the United States, in some cases, tantrums lasted up to 70 years:

4. As mobile phone use grows in India, more young men are calling women at random, hoping to strike up a relationship. Calling an unfamiliar number and being connected to a random Indian person, we have something like in the States, it’s called customer support.

5. Robert Weighton, Britain’s oldest man, who turned 109 last week, refused a birthday card from the Queen because she looked “miserable” on her official correspondence. “If that’s the case, I won’t even bother to write.” said Melaina.

6. According to a new study, the sounds of nature have a calming effect on people. “So, get it while you still can,” said the EPA.

7. The New England Rural Crime Unit is currently investigating the theft of more than 200 sheep. It actually may have been more than 200, but the person in charge of counting kept falling asleep.

8. A restaurant in North Carolina has seen an uptick in reservations after banning children under the age of five. “That’s not the Subway I know and love,” said Jared.

9. According to news reports, the last time that President Trump talked to former-President Obama was on inauguration day. Because ‘talk’ implies a two-way conversation:

10. Last week, border guards in Ukraine discovered a lion cub in a van carrying 2,245 parrots. That’s crazy, since when does Ukraine have border guards?:

January 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. During Sunday night’s Golden Globes, Meryl Streep gave an acceptance speech that was critical of President-elect Donald Trump, without once mentioning his name. Which was difficult because reporters kept asking who she was wearing:
streep

2. Monday morning, Donald Trump responded to a speech given by Meryl Streep at Sunday night’s Golden Globes that was critical of the President-elect. Said Trump, “Meryl Streep is an overrated actress, the child she didn’t pick in ‘Sophie’s Choice’ should consider herself the lucky one.”

3. Sunday night, pornstar Jenna Jameson took to twitter to denounce Meryl Streep’s anti-Trump speech at the Golden Globes. The two have more in common than you think, one is an experienced actor with three Oscars, while the other has experience taking on three Oscars.

4. While presenting an award at Sunday Night’s Golden Globes, actor Jon Hamm called the facial hair trend amongst the men in the room “a beard parade.” And then, purely out of reflex, Kelly Preston said, “No, I’m not.”
 
5. “Escape to Margaritaville,” a musical dedicated to the songs of Jimmy Buffett, is heading to Broadway in the spring of 2018. So if you’re disappointed that you can’t get tickets to “Hamilton” here’s a great way to add to that disappointment.
 
6. While reporting from the Golden Globes red carpet, “Today” show correspondent Jenna Bush incorrectly combined the name of two movies with predominately African American casts, “Hidden Figures” and “Fences,” into “Hidden Fences.” It’s like I’ve told you before, Jenna Bush doesn’t care about black people movies.

7. On Monday, Donald Trump’s transition team announced that the President-elect’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, will become a senior White House adviser. In the statement, Trump referred to Kushner as the son he always wanted.

8. In a recent interview, the number two golfer in the world, Rory McIlroy, revealed that Tiger Woods sends him texts early in the morning. Which can mean only one thing, McIlroy is saved under ‘Rory’ in Tiger’s phone and he thinks it’s a girl.
 
9. According to a new report from the Department of Agriculture, a middle-income, married couple is estimated to spend $233,610 to raise a child born in 2015. And, in unrelated news, Casey Anthony just bought a new Corvette!

10. A man in West Virginia confessed to shooting his semen at female shoppers at a local WalMart store. But, in the man’s defense, his job title is official WalMart skeeter.

January 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, it was reported that the backyard swing set bought for the President Obama’s daughters in 2009 has been removed from the White House lawn and donated to charity. But, don’t worry, Joe Biden’s treehouse still remains:

2. Scientists have found that the brain reshapes itself for years after adolescence, which raises the question of when an adult is fully mature in the eyes of the law. According to every action and statement made by our President-elect, I’m gonna guess sometime after 70.

3. President-elect Donald Trump said last week he intends to dissolve his charitable foundation, the Donald J. Trump Foundation, before taking office. So now, in the future, the term ‘Trump foundation’ will solely refer to the base level of a very bad spray tan.

4. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to write his inauguration speech himself. “Speaking from experience, you might want to reconsider that,” said Melania.
 
5. By using a technique that cannot be applied to humans, scientists were able to rejuvenate the organs of mice and lengthen their life span by thirty percent. You can read more about the study in this week’s Medical Journal of Thanks for Nothing, Scientists.

6. A grieving man in China made a sex doll that is an exact replica of his dead wife, even dressing the doll in his late wife’s underwear. So, I’m guessing the cause death was suicide.

7. Last week, Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris shared a photo on Instagram of her giving her godfather Macaulay Culkin a pedicure. And I imagine if her father was around to see her touching Culkin’s feet he would say “No, higher.”

8. Over the holidays, a judge in Britain ruled that dogs should not be treated like children. “Oh, thank god,” said Casey Anthony’s schnauzer.

9. The mayor of Mobile, Alabama apologized for cutting down a tree in a public park in order to hold a Donald Trump rally. “How dare you, cutting down trees is my job now,” said Trump’s pick to head the EPA.

10. According to a new study, women do not find men with tattoos more sexually attractive. And you could see the disappointment associated with these results written all over Mike Tyson’s face.

11. Last week, a couple in Texas decided to get married after 41 years of dating. The man reportedly got down on one knee and said, “I guess.”

12. A 22-year-old Florida man, living with his parents, was arrested after police say home surveillance video caught him having sex with the family dog. Said his father, “Well that explains why we’re always out of peanut butter.”

13. A 22-year-old Florida man, living with his parents, was arrested after police say home surveillance video caught him having sex with the family dog. Although, I’m pretty sure, at this point, that’s his dog.

14. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. said watching President-elect Donald Trump assemble his cabinet has been like watching the 1992 United States men’s Olympic Dream Team being built. Which sadly means only one member of the Trump’s cabinet has AIDs.

15. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. said watching President-elect Donald Trump assemble his cabinet has been like watching the 1992 United States men’s Olympic basketball team being built. I guess I could see that if the Dream Team were twelve Christian Laettners.

16. Last week, 27-year-old singer Taylor Swift paid a World War II veteran who is a fan a surprised visit on his 96th birthday. And, in the complete opposite of that story, Madonna surprised a 27-year-old fan on her birthday.

17. Forbes named Scarlett Johansson Hollywood’s the top-grossing actor of 2016, starring in movies that grossed $1.2 billion worldwide. And, at the bottom of the list is Drew Barrymore who somehow owes Hollywood $4.6 million.

18. Last week, a federal court in Michigan, ruled that police can shoot a dog while entering a home if the animal “moves or barks” in the officer’s presence. And, just like that, Michael Vick has found his next career.

19. Robert Leo Hulseman, the inventor of the iconic red plastic Solo cup, widely used to play beer pong, died last week at the age of 84. He is survived by whoever called ‘next.’

20. According to a new survey, younger siblings generally have a lower IQ than their older brothers and sisters. Scientists refer to it as the Stephen Baldwin effect.

21. NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. wed his longtime girlfriend Saturday, with fellow driver Danica Patrick reportedly catching the bouquet. So, for once, being well behind the pack, actually paid of for Danica.

22. A organization in favor of legalizing marijuana will be giving out free joints to protestors on Inauguration Day. So when they chant “What do we want?” and “When do we want it?” they will be sincerely asking because they don’t remember.

23. The 115th Congress was sworn in on Tuesday and not one of the 535 members of the House or Senate is a proclaimed atheist. Although, after four years of Trump, I’m willing to bet a few of them will no longer believe in God.

24. A new study found that eating large amounts of cured meats was linked to asthma. And, in a related story, Chris Christie hasn’t been able to catch his breath since 1987.

25. According to new reports, more pregnant women are turning to marijuana to deal with nausea and morning sickness. Which explains the new pregnancy mantra of “Push, Push, Pass.”