December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.

July 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A sketch of the Manhattan skyline drawn by Donald Trump in 2005, sold at auction for $29,000 over the weekend. So, much like Hitler, appreciation for Trump’s artwork also came way too late:

2. A Chicago woman is suing Greyhound for allegedly losing her luggage, which contained her mother’s ashes, while on a trip to Washington last year. Even worse, her mom was alive when the got on the bus.

3. Researchers at Brown University believe that there may be water inside the moon. So now we can add ‘the moon’ the list of places more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

4. USC football coach Clay Helton said former Heisman Trophy winning running-back and school alum O.J. Simpson would not be welcome on campus after he is released from prison. Although if I know one thing about O.J., him not being welcomed is not gonna stop him from going places:

5. According to a new report, over the past fifteen years, department stores have lost more jobs than coal mines. And, in some instances, the work conditions at the stores are worse than in the mines:

6. Around thirty hot air balloons took to the skies in Italy on Saturday as part of what organizers refer to as the “most relaxed” event on the international ballooning calendar. Finally a day everyone can get away from the fast-paced, cutthroat, thrill-a-minute world of international ballooning, and just relax.

7. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un said his country’s latest missile launch proves that he is capable of striking anywhere in the United States. And, by the look of Detroit, he may have already done so.

8. The Rikers Island inmate who escaped the New York City jail complex on Wednesday spent most of his seven hours of freedom hiding in bushes. “I completely understand that,” said Sean Spicer:

9. ‘The Emoji Movie’ narrowly escaped a 0% rating, earning 3% approval on the movie rating website ‘Rotten Tomatoes.’ Getting 3% instead of 0% can only mean one thing, Johnny Depp is not in the movie.

10. The Russian Foreign Ministry said it would seize two U.S. diplomatic compounds in Russia in retaliation to new sanctions passed by Congress. Come on, haven’t the Russians already seized enough American houses?:

July 26, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, President Trump spoke to a large gathering of Boy Scouts saying, “there’s no better feeling than an achievement that you’ve earned with your own sweat, tears, resolve, hardwork.” Adding, “And of course a small $10 million, interest-free loan from your father.

2. On Monday, President Trump spoke to 40,000 Boy Scouts at the organization’s annual jamboree. And what better person to speak to a group of kids who get merit badges for tying knots than someone who has done it three times and counting:

3. A Danish company is selling makeup for your vagina. “Do you sell a concealer?” asked women around Bill Cosby.

4. Italian police said on Monday they had arrested two brothers suspected of robbing dozens of cash machines while wearing masks of President Trump. Authorities knew it wasn’t actually Trump because during the hold-up the robbers stuck to their script and didn’t once mention their huge electoral college victory.

5. According to new research, sperm counts in men from America have dropped by more than 50 percent in less than 40 years. Which I have a hard time believing considering how sticky the floor on the G train always is.

6. New research found the brains of 99 percent of former NFL players studied showed signs of a disease linked to repeated hits to the head that can lead to dementia. While the remaining 1 percent wasn’t a football player:

7. According to reports in Australia, Justin Bieber abruptly cancelled his concert tour to focus on opening up his own church. “What happened? We had such a great partnership,” asked the Devil.

8. A woman in Detroit was arrested for attempting to train squirrels to attack her ex-boyfriend. Even worse, this is her ex-boyfriend:

9. New research shows that ancient humans had sex with non-human species. That story again, even 150,000 years ago, there was still a South.

10. A new terminal is set to open in Singapore’s Changi Airport that, in theory, will allow passengers to go all the way from check-in to boarding without speaking to another person. You know, it’s not the speaking that gets to me:

June 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last year, tourists threw $2 million worth of coins in Rome’s Trevi Fountain. As a result, it now insists on being called Trevor Fountain III.

2. A Lebanese calligrapher has completed a two-year project to hand write a copy of the Koran, Islam’s holy book. Meanwhile, I’m in year three of trying to get through “Eat, Pray, Love.”

3. A nuclear power plant in the Czech Republic used a bikini contest to hire interns. “Come on, at least we have a talent portion, too,” said Fox News.

4. A nuclear power plant in the Czech Republic used a bikini contest to hire interns. The winner was able to both separate an atom and stimulate an Adam.

5. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ a framed edition of ‘Time Magazine’ with President Trump on the cover that hangs in many of his golf clubs is actually a fake. Which makes me wonder if he was really named People’s Sexiest Man of 2005:

6. Taco Bell is offering a $600 wedding package at its Las Vegas location. The theme of every wedding there will be ‘Bad Decisions.’

7. According to a new survey, an overwhelming majority of people in other countries have no confidence in President Trump’s ability to lead. And a majority in this country as well:

8. A New York man was charged with disorderly conduct after using the free WiFi at a Pennsylvania McDonald’s to watch porn on his tablet. Said the man, “That special sauce isn’t gonna make itself.”

9. A New Zealand duo set a world record for the longest throw and catch of an unbroken egg at over 265 feet. But, as a precaution, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men were onsite just in case.

10. According to a new study, listening to Justin Bieber music while eating can make your food taste bad. Although, if you’re eating at a Guy Fieri restaurant it’s kinda hard to determine what caused what.

May 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly said if people knew what he knew, they’d “never leave the house.” “Way ahead of you,” said Melania.

2. According to a new study, A moderate-intensity walking regimen may reduce symptoms of mild cognitive impairment that are linked to poor blood vessel health in the brain. And, in related news:

3. Multiple outlets are reporting that President Trump’s son-in-law and senior adviser Jared Kushner talked with the Russian ambassador in December about establishing a back channel for communications. Although, at this point, instead of a back line, wouldn’t it make more sense to set up some kind of group chat?:

4. According to reports, the White House is considering hiring lawyers to vet President Trump’s tweets before he sends them. Forget lawyers, I’d be happy if he ran them by spellcheck first.

5. A dad in Oklahoma pranked his son by picking him up on the last day of high school wearing nothing but a speedo. So, I guess, make that 14 reasons why.

6. According to “The New York Post,” embattled comedian Bill Cosby lives in constant fear of someone slipping something into his food or drink. And, by the look of him, I’m guessing that something is a fruit or vegetable:

7. A California woman claims to have married an historic San Diego train station. But why marry a train station, when Penn Station will fuck you for free everyday.

8. According to reports, during the G7 meetings in Italy, German Chancellor Angela Merkel whispered something to President Trump. But, I’m assuming, Trump just thought one of the voices inside his head had learned German.

9. Barbra Streisand’s 14-year-old dog Sammie died over the weekend. But, unlike the book, Old Yeller is still alive:

10. A group of 8th graders on a field trip to Washington D.C. over the weekend, refused to have their picture taken with House Speaker Paul Ryan. And Ryan was not happy when he was informed that the kids would not be showing up for the photoshoot:

May 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Florida woman recently filed a lawsuit in Mississippi against a Confederate group claiming that a camel named Sir Camelot bit her at the site of the Jefferson Davis Home and Presidential Library in Biloxi. And, still, the most surprising part of that story is that there’s a library in Mississippi.

2. According to a new report, President Trump doesn’t exercise because he believes it drains the body’s ‘finite’ energy resources. Man, that guy really doesn’t like gyms/Jims:
jim gym

3. President Trump is set to nominate Newt Gingrich’s wife Callista as U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. Callista and the Pope have a lot in common, for instance, they are both celibate.

4. Several dozen torch-wielding protesters gathered in Virginia’s Lee Park Saturday night to protest the removal of a Confederate statue. When reached for comment, Eric Trump said, “Fire bad!”:

5. During a television interview on Monday, former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s fiancee said he gave no indication that he planned to commit suicide in his prison cell during their last phone call. She said he did say he as “gonna kill a guy” but that was normal talk for him.

6. Yesterday, Goodyear Tire and the Cleveland Cavaliers reached an agreement for the team to wear the tire company’s logo on their jerseys next season. But Goodyear didn’t stop there, they also struck a deal for their biggest competitor Michellin’s logo to appear on the Knicks’ jerseys.

7. Wildlife officials in Florida are warning residents not to approach a family of monkeys that appears to have moved into the neighborhood. Which made for a very sad housewarming party:

8. On Friday, while hinting that fired FBI Director James Comey should keep his mouth shut, President Trump implied that he may have a secret listening device recording all conversations that occur in the Oval Office. “You have a secret listening device in the Oval Office? Yet another thing we have in common,” said Putin.

9. Day-time talk show host Ellen Degeneres said that President Trump is not welcome on her show because “he’s against everything I stand for.” Which is pretty bad considering she’s had Kim Jong Un on:

10. On Thursday, Twitter signed a multi-year deal with the NFL to live-stream pre-game coverage. And, then, viewers can switch over to TV when the games start or, if you’re a Browns fan, just stay on Twitter.

April 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Companies in the notoriously workaholic country of Japan are offering employees bonuses if they leave work early. Begging the question, is that how Donald Trump made his fortune:

2. The education minister in India has ordered an investigation into a textbook that described the “best” female figure as 36”-24″-36″. That story again, history books all over the world are already quoting Donald Trump’s inauguration speech.

3. According to reports, Bill O’Reilly’s behavior is said to have been a contributing factor in Megan Kelly’s departure from Fox News. Another factor, she turned 30.

4. New York Knick Kristaps Porzingis is reportedly so frustrated with the direction of the team that he blew of his season-ending exit interview. Although, in the current climate, it’s probably a good idea for anyone named ‘Kristaos Porzingis’ to avoid anything labeled an ‘exit interview.’

5. On Friday, the Trump administration said it would break with established precedent by not releasing to the pubic the log that keeps track of all White House visitors. “That’s bullshit,” said Eric Trump, “Dad told me they didn’t allow visitors at the White House.”

6. A musical parody of the show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway later this year. As an homage to “The Phantom of the Opera,” right before intermission the Chandler drops.

7. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. That story again, a house of prayer in Denver is about to unintentionally set the record for most Jesus lookalikes in one church at one time:

8. Emma Morano of Italy, the world’s oldest person, died over the weekend at the age of 117. Morano lived through two World Wars and almost made it to a third.

9. Ahead of his upcoming visit to Britain, President Trump has reportedly requested a golden carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth. Although, he’s gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out that not everyone has the same definition for the term ‘golden carriage ride’ as Russian prostitutes.

10. Masao Gunji of Japan now holds the Guinness World Record for most Hello Kitty memorabilia with 5,169 items lining the walls of his bright pink home. Gunji also set the record for ‘Most Red Flags.’

April 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson may star in a reality TV show together. It will be the most literal season of ‘Surviror’ ever.

2. Yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced that President Trump’s first quarter salary of $78,333 will be donated to the National Parks Service. Trump made the donation with one caveat, that the Parks Service use the money to buy Photoshop:

3. According to new research, babies cry more in Britain, Canada, Italy and Netherlands than in other countries, while newborns in Denmark, Germany and Japan cry and fuss the least. Researchers also found that babies tend to cry longer in the United States, in some cases, tantrums lasted up to 70 years:

4. As mobile phone use grows in India, more young men are calling women at random, hoping to strike up a relationship. Calling an unfamiliar number and being connected to a random Indian person, we have something like in the States, it’s called customer support.

5. Robert Weighton, Britain’s oldest man, who turned 109 last week, refused a birthday card from the Queen because she looked “miserable” on her official correspondence. “If that’s the case, I won’t even bother to write.” said Melaina.

6. According to a new study, the sounds of nature have a calming effect on people. “So, get it while you still can,” said the EPA.

7. The New England Rural Crime Unit is currently investigating the theft of more than 200 sheep. It actually may have been more than 200, but the person in charge of counting kept falling asleep.

8. A restaurant in North Carolina has seen an uptick in reservations after banning children under the age of five. “That’s not the Subway I know and love,” said Jared.

9. According to news reports, the last time that President Trump talked to former-President Obama was on inauguration day. Because ‘talk’ implies a two-way conversation:

10. Last week, border guards in Ukraine discovered a lion cub in a van carrying 2,245 parrots. That’s crazy, since when does Ukraine have border guards?:

January 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new program at a prison in Italy is attempting to turn inmates into sommeliers by teaching them the finer points of wine tasting. Said one such prisoner, “I’m getting hints of chocolate and oak, I’m guessing this one was brewed in Snake’s toilet?”

2. A surgeon in Japan is being accused of licking the left breast of his patient following a procedure on her right breast. The doctor said he felt compelled to do so after someone accused him of being an HMO.

3. A picture from the U.K. has gone viral that appears to show a horse trying to get on one of London’s iconic red double-decker buses. “We’ve seen something like before,” said unimpressed New Yorkers:
bus

4. A Catholic priest in Italy is under investigation for allegedly organizing orgies in his church’s rectory and acting as a pimp for up to 15 women. Authorities became suspicious when the priest’s typical response to “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” was “That ain’t nothing.”

5. Former “Dancing with the Stars” cast members Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Peta Murgatroyd welcomed a baby boy early Wednesday morning named Shai Aleksander Chmerkovskiy. Although it wasn’t all happy news, unfortunately the guy tasked with filling out the birth certificate died of exhaustion.

6. A new study found that people who live near busy roads with heavy traffic face a higher risk of developing dementia than those living further away. Thus confirming my suspicion that Gary Busey has been living under a bridge for years.

7. Comedian Rob Schneider is putting together a plan to buy the San Francisco 49ers. Although I don’t know if calling Adam Sandler can be considered ‘a plan.’

8. German trauma surgeons advised the public on Wednesday to walk like penguins to avoid slipping on pavements with freezing temperatures forecast nationwide over the next few days. Hopefully it will end better than when German citizens were asked to goose step.

9. A mother in the U.K. was charged $39.35 by a hospital to hold her newborn baby. “So, can anyone get in on that deal?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

10. A French man named Robert Marchand made cycling history on Wednesday by covering 14 miles in one hour at the age of 105. Shattering all preconceived notions of just how boring bike racing can be.