March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

October 7, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities say that temporary water filters installed in homes in Newark are at least 97 percent effective in reducing lead in drinking water. “Newark? You know what, I think we’re good right here,” said residents of Flint. 

2. Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday joined a groundswell of support for permanently banning serial transit pervs from riding the city’s subways. “TAXI!!!!” yelled Anthony Weiner.

3. Last week, Mattel, the 75-year-old toymaker behind Barbie, launched it’s first ever gender-fluid doll. “First ever?” said Ken, looking down. 

4. The Kremlin said on Monday that Washington would need Russian consent to publish transcripts of phone calls between President Trump and his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. And if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s getting consent: 

5. After being cut by the New England Patriots, receiver Antonio Brown enrolled at Central Michigan University to finish his college degree. Which is weird, if he wanted to play amateur football, he could have just stayed on the Raiders.

6. According to a new study, living near a coastline improves mental health.“Told ya so Wilson” said one such beachside resident: 

7. President Trump called for an end to religious persecution on Monday at the United Nations. Adding, “Mexican isn’t a religion, right?”

8. French researchers are developing what they say is the most powerful MRI scanner in the world which will use a supermagnet the weight of a blue whale. It’s the first machine that will diagnosis and give you cancer at the exact same time.

9. During his Congressional testimony last Thursday, the Acting Director of National Intelligence said he did not know the identity of the anonymous White House whistleblower who filed a complaint against President Trump. Although, he has a guess:

10. According to “The New York Post,” Casey Anthony is considering having another child. Sounds like someone’s got a new car with extra trunk space. 

11. Jerry Seinfeld has defeated a lawsuit claiming he stole the idea for the Netflix hit “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” from a former colleague. And, in related news, still no one wants to take credit for “The Marriage Ref”:

12. According to “The New York Times,” President Trump suggested shooting migrants in the legs in order to slow them down after crossing the southern border. Or they could do what Melania does when she wants to slow Donald down:

13. According to reports, when President Trump was denied his request for a Southern border moat and told he can’t shot migrants in the legs, he allegedly yelled, “I ran on this issue. You’re making me look like an idiot.” To which his advisors replied, “I think you’re giving us way too much credit for that, Sir.”

14. Last week, teenager in New Mexico was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Officials became suspicious that he wasn’t a real cop when he pulled over an African American and did not shoot him.

15. This week, President Trump incorrectly attacked “The Washington Post” for an article that ran in “The New York Times.” Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, I’m great with names, just ask Not Ivanka #1 an Not Ivanka #2.”:

16. This week, Disney revealed its first openly gay couple, Orka and Flix from the tv series “Star Wars Resistence.” That story again, Chip continues to deny his feelings for Dale:

17. The University of Kansas has apologized for a performance by rapper Snoop Dogg that featured drug references and dancers on stripper poles. Said the school, “We apologize, how could we have known that Snoop Dogg would behave exactly the same as he has for the past thirty years.”

18. Ahead of this year’s holiday season, a California company is selling kale-flavored candy canes. “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said lumps of coal.

July 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman from Iowa pled guilty to election misconduct for attempting to cast two ballots in the 2016 presidential election for Donald Trump. Yikes, I’d hate to be the guy who has to tell Trump he actually lost the popular vote by 2,017,564 votes:

2. President Donald Trump’s son Donald Trump Jr. said on Monday he would be happy to share what he knows with the Senate Intelligence Committee. As a result, the Senate Intelligence Committee has set aside eight minutes on Wednesday to hear absolutely everything Donald Trump Jr knows. No word, on what they plan on doing with the remaining seven minutes.

3. Researchers studying a mass vaccination campaign against meningitis have found a surprising side effect, the shots also offered protection against gonorrhea. That story again, Lindsay Lohan most likely also has meningitis.

4. An ultra-Orthodox Jewish version of ‘SharkTank’ called ‘BizTank’ has launched online. The first guy in the tank had a business that repurposed used bed sheets into ghost costumes for kids:

5. Earlier this month, Amazon’s Alexa called the police after a New Mexico man beat and threatened to kill his girlfriend. “How do you unplug this thing?” said O.J.

6. When President Trump travels to Paris later this week, he will reportedly dine on blue lobster with French President Emmanuel Macron in Paris. “That’s not the color that’s supposed to be,” said someone looking at Trump.

7. A Maine woman who tuned 100 said the secret to her longevity is wine. “I’m never gonna die, bitches!” yelled Kathie Lee Gifford.

8. The Senate intelligence committee’s top Democrat said on Monday he “absolutely” wants to speak to President Donald Trump’s son about a meeting he had during the campaign last year with a Russian attorney. That enthusiasm to talk to Donald Trump Jr. can only mean one thing, he’s never talked to Donald Trump Jr before.

9. The International Olympic Committee said on Monday it is working hard to make sure North Korea takes part in next year’s Winter Olympics in neighboring South Korea. And, to that end, they have introduced a new Olympic sport, failed missile launching.

10. According to reports, the cast of MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’ has been spotted in New Jersey filming a reunion show. Because, much like the herpes they all have, they reemerge up every couple of years.

Monologue Jokes – October 31, 2016

1. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is considering Vice President Joe Biden for the position of Secretary of State in her would-be cabinet. So heads up Chancellor Merkel:

2. Thursday evening, the plane carrying Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence slid off the runway while landing at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. And you know your campaign is going poorly when even LaGuardia Airport is literally trying to distance itself from you.

3. On Friday, the FBI announced that it had found new emails related to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s use of a private computer server after the agency seized cell phones belonging to Clinton aide Huma Abedin and her husband, Anthony Weiner. Thus accomplishing what many have tried and failed to do for so long, get a cell phone out of Anthony Weiner’s hands.

4. The FBI said on Friday it was investigating more emails as part of a probe into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email system, just 11 days before Election Day. Or, as it was reported on Fox News:

5. A 10-year-old New Mexico boy was told he could not wear his Hillary Clinton t-shirt to school. Which is bullshit, because from what I’ve seen at most rallies, not wearing a shirt at all means you’re a Trump supporter.

6. Over the weekend, a giant load of manure was dumped outside a Democratic Party headquarters in Ohio. Police have one suspect:

7. A Ukrainian man has officially changed his name to iPhone 7. Which is stupid because you know in nine months his parents are gonna come out with a new edition iPhone 8:

8. Over the weekend, a hotdog cart in New Jersey exploded. As a result, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags statewide be lowered to half-mast.

9. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump turned 35. I know the fact that she’s his daughter hasn’t prevented Trump from openly talking about dating Ivanka, but her turning 35 should do the trick.

10. A Tennessee woman was arrested Thursday after numerous witnesses called 911 to report that a partially nude woman wearing clown makeup was blocking traffic. Begging the question, what was Christina Aguilera doing in Tennessee?

October 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Thanks to advancements in technology, men who fantasize about sex with giant women are now able to use virtual reality to make it happen. Which is good news, because Khloe Kardashian can only sleep with so many guys.
2. At a recent Donald Trump rally, a white woman was seen holding a “Blacks for Trump” sign. That’s crazy, what were the odds that both Ben Carson and Omarosa would be busy that day?
3. At a recent Donald Trump rally, a white woman was seen holding a “Blacks for Trump” sign. But, in her defense, “Women for Trump” signs don’t exist.
4. Yesterday, Twitter announced that it will be shutting down Vine, an app that allowed users to share six second videos. Luckily, if you want to continue watching short videos starring people of questionable talent, Jamie Foxx is now making commercials.
5. During an interview yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said his wife Melania will give two or three speeches in the final days of the presidential race. The actual number depends on how many speeches Michelle Obama gives in the final days.
6. Melania Trump will give two or three speeches in the final days of the presidential race, Republican candidate Donald Trump said in a television interview, apparently surprising his wife. Trump is no stranger to surprising women, but it usually has to do with how cold his hands are.
7. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Thursday that U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump behaved extravagantly during his campaign because he wanted to get his message across. Although Putin did not clarify whether he was talking about Trump or himself when he said ‘his message.’

8. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has asked his campaign to cut back on work identifying candidates for key jobs in his would-be administration and focus instead on bolstering his chances on Election Day. Ironically, one of the best ways to bolster his chances on Election Day would be to identify a new candidate for the role of president.

9. According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who are already taken than those who are single. Which explains why Bill stays married to Hillary.

10. During an interview Wednesday night on MSNBC, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence accidentally referred to his running-mate Donald Trump as his ‘opponent.’ Although, in all fairness, Trump really is the only guy standing in Pence’s way of being the next vice president.

11. There is a company in New Mexico that will make a ceramic mug out of the ashes of your loved ones. So your late-wife might finally learn where the dishwasher is.

12. A jeweler in Texas is offering a free gun with the purchase of any engagement ring. The store also has a ‘no questions asked’ return policy on the ring.
13. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto on Sunday defended his decision to host a visit by U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump to Mexico, but he said it could have been carried out “in a better way.” For instance:
14. Monday morning, ‘The New York Times’ printed every insult Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has said during his campaign. And, in related news, ‘The New York Times’ has run out of ink.

15. On Thursday night, Donald Trump was booed at the Al Smith Dinner in New York City, where the presidential candidates traditionally gather to comically poke fun at themselves and each other. Donald, any comedian will tell you, don’t try out new material on the road, you should have stuck with the classics like: “No one has more respect for women than me” or “Mexico is gonna pay for the wall” or maybe just holding up your tiny little hands.

16. A secret Nazi military base in the Arctic has been discovered by Russian scientists. Said the Nazi soldier manning the base, “So, how’d the war turn out?”

17. On Friday, Australian Olympic gold medalist Mack Horton took to Facebook and Twitter to thank the person who spotted a suspicious mole on the swimmer’s chest on TV during the Olympics and urged him to get it checked out. A very good excuse that I wished I had thought of when my wife caught me watching women’s beach volleyball a little too closely.

18. A former Wells Fargo employee said she was so stressed over meeting quotas and selling customers unneeded services that she developed a habit of chugging a bottle of hand sanitizer a day. Say what you will about Wells Fargo, but my bank doesn’t even offer free hand sanitizer.

19. A woman in Seattle is auctioning off her virginity for $400,000 to help her family rebuild their house. I’ll only bid if she has a sturdy foundation and a ample second story.

20. Chilean President Michelle Bachelet had a rocky go of voting in the nation’s local elections on Sunday, having to return to the polls twice after leaving her ID behind and forgetting to sign her name. Even worse, she accidentally voted for the other guy.

October 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During an interview Tuesday night, Newt Gingrich accused Fox News’ Megyn Kelly of being, “fascinated with sex.” Luckily the most reliable cure for a fascination with sex is hearing Newt Gingrich talk about sex.
2. Monday night, at a campaign rally in Florida, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump hugged an American flag onstage. “Aha! So he is capable of hugging,” said Eric and Don Jr.

3. On Wednesday, the Hillary Clinton campaign announced that the Democratic presidential nominee will hold her election night rally in New York City. And, as an extra kick in the balls, they’ve rented out Trump Tower.

4. On Wednesday, former Illinois Representative and Donald Trump surrogate, Joe Walsh said on Twitter, “On November 9th, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket.” Which I assume is a playful name for Walsh’s wife’s vagina.

5. This week, a Chicago man married the woman he anonymously donated his liver to, two years after the operation. So I guess they had their ‘something borrowed’ covered.

6. There is a company in New Mexico that will make a ceramic mug out of the ashes of your loved ones. So, even if you don’t care for coffee, you can still have a cup of Joe in the morning.

7. Megan Marx and Tiffany Scanlon, two contestants on the latest season of Australia’s version of ‘The Bachelor,’ are now dating each other. “I think I know what I want to do for my fantasy suite,” said the bachelor.

8. WWE wrestler the Undertaker visited the locker room of the reigning NBA champion Cleveland Cavaliers ahead of their opening game against the New York Knicks on Tuesday night. Not to be outdone, an actual undertaker visited the Knicks.

9. Yesterday, on a Spanish-language TV show, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton claimed that Mexican is her favorite type of food. Said Donald Trump, “You know, the two of us, we’re not so different”:

10. In a recent interview, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said the future of TV could be pills that make people hallucinate television shows. Which is the complete opposite of the much more common phenomena of TV shows that make people take pills:

August 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a speech Wednesday night, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said President Obama was the founder of ISIS and Hillary Clinton was the co-founder. Yet another example of Trump’s refusal to put a woman in charge of a company.

2. A former North Carolina staffer is suing Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, saying a top employee working on Trump’s White House bid once pulled a gun on him and the campaign took no action. But, in Trump’s defense, that staffer is a lot less likely now to nominate liberal judges to the bench.

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump acknowledged on Thursday that his campaign is struggling in Utah, a usually rock solid Republican state. Those Mormons know he’s had three wives, right?

4. A Chinese couple marked their wedding day by dangling underneath a glass bottom suspension bridge overlooking a gorge. It suddenly became a destination wedding when the cables gave way.

5. Asked what he would do if he lost in the general election to Hillary Clinton, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said we would, “have a very, very nice long vacation.” So hopefully ‘nice’ means international and ‘long’ means enough time to build a wall.

6. A black biofilm is beginning to cover the Jefferson Monument in Washington D.C. Big deal, a black bio-play has been covering Hamilton on Broadway for two years.

7. The CEO of Wendy’s says the current presidential election is hurting burger sales. Apparently, Chris Christie is still heartbroken over not being Trump’s VP and can only bring himself to eat three hamburgers a day.

8. Dutch designers have created a house that splits into two in the event that the owners get a divorced. That way, the kids can say “I literally come from a broken home.”

9. The PA announcer for the Memphis Grizzlies was arrested yesterday for allegedly making upskirt videos of unsuspected church members during services. “That’s outrageous,” said priests, “if anyone’s gonna be looking up skirts it’s gonna be us.”:
altar boys

10. The estate of Marvin Gaye is suing musician Ed Sheeran claiming his hit song “Thinking Out Loud” is too similar to Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” If that’s the case, I think they both have a claim against the constant melody coming from my neighbor’s apartment of them Getting It On Out Loud.

11. According to a new study, your genes play a large role in when you lose your virginity. “No shit,” said people with ugly parents.

12. An angry moviegoer who saw “Suicide Squad” claims he’ll sue Warner Brothers for false advertising because a number of scenes used in the trailer featuring Jared Leto’s The Joker didn’t make it into the final film. While another moviegoer who saw “Alice Through the Looking Glass” is suing the film company because a number of scenes from the trailer featuring Johnny Depp were in the movie.

13. This week, President Obama played golf with Golden State Warrior superstar Steph Curry. There was an awkward moment on the course when Steph realized he wasn’t going to beat Barack so he asked to join his team instead.

14. Last week, airport security asked a woman to unzip her luggage revealing an 11-year-old boy stuffed inside. But that’ll happen when you let Jerry Sandusky pack for you.

15. After being refused permission to use the bathroom of a convenience store in Taiwan, a woman stood up on the counter, pulled down her pants, peed into a cup and drank it. Even more disgusting, then she ate one of the store hotdogs.

16. A New Jersey man who died this week has attained posthumous notoriety after his “loving wife” and “longtime girlfriend” placed dueling, side-by-side obituaries for him in the same newspaper. How’s it possible that this guy has two obits and Larry King doesn’t have any?

17. New research indicates that only about half of perceived friendships are actually mutual. This was determined by talking to any teenage girl ever.

18. Over the weekend, New Mexico deputies pulled over a car that was driving erratically to find a drunk 13-year-old boy behind the wheel and his drunk grandmother in the backseat. God I hope they were going to and not coming back from make-out point.

19. While giving a speech on Friday, Hillary Clinton slipped-up and almost called Donald Trump her husband. But, to be fair, Trump does want to refer to her as a ball and chain:
ball and chain

20. A magazine has put out a printable PDF of Donald Trump’s hand print so people can measure their own hand size against it. “I did a similar thing last November,” said Joe Biden:
hand turkey

June 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sunday night, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors to win the NBA Finals and end a 51-year championship drought in Cleveland. A victory that, come next month when the GOP holds their convention in Cleveland, Donald Trump will somehow take credit for.

2. According to a new report, genealogy websites are the second most popular websites online, right behind pornography sites. Although, in West Virginia there’s no delineation between the two.

3. Today is National Make Music Day. So, please, no one tell Kesha.

4. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump fired embattled campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. As a result of his firing, Lewandowski will have a hard time explaining the gap in his employment history to any prospective employer and an even harder time explaining his actual employment.

5. Yesterday, the Democratic Republic of Congo declared a yellow fever epidemic after confirming 67 cases of the disease. And, in related news, the International Olympic Committee has awarded the 2020 Games to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

6. Yesterday was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. “Welcome to my everyday,” said the co-worker who sits next to Brenda in accounting.

7. Six Flags is looking into opening a theme park in Saudi Arabia. Just in case living in Saudi Arabia wasn’t thrilling enough for you.

8. Last week, during a show at the Oregon Zoo, a lion got a part of his tail accidentally cut off while a crowd of children looked on. Said a 6-year-old Jewish boy in the audience, “I’ve been there.”

9. Wildlife officials say a bear attacked a woman running a marathon in a national preserve in New Mexico. But, in the bear’s defense, the woman wouldn’t shut up about how she was running a marathon.

10. In the wake of her viral video, toy maker Hasbro has created a Chewbacca Mom action figure. It is expected to sell better than their 2 Girls 1 Cup and Ball game.

May 31, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. 107-year-old Virginia McLaurin, who got invited to the White House last year, attended her first Major League Baseball game last week. They made sure to buy her some crackerjacks because they’re pretty sure she’s never coming back.

2. According to Cosmopolitan, bickering about chores is more harmful to a couple than cheating. “Those are kinda one-in-the-same when you’re fucking the maid,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

3. On Sunday, Alexander Rossi won the 100th running of the Indy 500. Although, I’m not sure you can call anyone who drives 500 miles only to wind up in Indianapolis a winner

4. A new study found that women with deeper voices are more persuasive. And they may have point, because Bruce asked to be called Caitlyn and we all just agreed.

5. A Minnesota funeral home as added a bar to liven up funerals. And, as a funeral home, allowing mourners to drive home after a few cocktails is good for business.

6. An ad for a Chinese laundry detergent in which a black man is washed into an Asian man is being derided as racist. Even worse, the detergent is called ‘apar-Tide.’

7. Last week, a 58-year-old man in South Carolina applied for a bank loan so he could purchase more meth. He put down “willing to suck your dick” as collateral.

8. After allegations of domestic abuse, a judge has granted actress Amber Heard a temporary restraining order against former husband Johnny Depp. For the sake of the movie industry, do you think the judge would order Depp to stay away from Tim Burton, too?

9. On Sunday, the Libertarian party nominated former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson as their presidential nominee. So, if this is the first you’re hearing about it, it’s also probably the last.

10. Israel’s first transgender beauty pageant was won by a Taleen Abu Hanna, a Christian Arab, on Friday. Abu Hanna was given a crown while the pageant host sang “There she is, Miss Trans Israel,” which will be the only time she hears those words not immediately followed by “let’s get her!”

May 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. While campaigning yesterday in Santa Fe on behalf of his wife, Bill Clinton argued for a half hour with a 24-year-old Bernie Sanders supporter. It wasn’t on the issues, he was just trying to get her number.

2. During a Hillary Clinton rally in California, two male supporters in the front row took off their shirts, prompting the Democratic candidate to say it was okay “as long as they don’t take anything else off.” So, no matter what you think of Hillary, you can’t say she doesn’t have the necessary experience to deal with Putin.

3. Actor Shia LaBeouf has been tweeting his GPS coordinates for the past week with the hope that motorists will pick him up and he’ll be able to hitchhike across the country. That story again, Shia LaBeouf has been standing in the same exact spot for the past seven days.

4. On Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas,’ a reference to how her native American heritage became a divisive campaign issue. Which means, between the two of them, at least one knows how to run a successful casino.

5. According to a new survey, Americans are fatter than ever. It’s so bad that many people got winded trying to fill out the survey.

6. According to sources, Mawlawi Haibatullah Akhundzada, the man appointed as the new leader of the Taliban on Wednesday, was not the obvious choice coming into the election. In fact, Akhundzada won a surprising victory after beating out the early odds-on favorite, Jeb Bush.

7. A group of white supremacists have named Taylor Swift their “Aryan Goddess.” Said Kayne West, “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish, but Beyoncé had …”

8. In a recent interview, Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders said, “Democracy is messy, everyday my life is messy.” But, I think that has less to do with democracy and more to do with the horse heads Hillary keeps putting in his bed.

9. An article on Chinese state media called Taiwan’s new female leader Tsai Ing-wen an extremist because she is unmarried. As opposed to Melania who is considered an extremist because of who she married.

10. A man in the U.K., who was left paralyzed from the waist down after a battle with cancer, used a $130,000 bionic suit to walk his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. But, the moment was bittersweet, since the groom was Oscar Pistorius.