March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

October 7, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities say that temporary water filters installed in homes in Newark are at least 97 percent effective in reducing lead in drinking water. “Newark? You know what, I think we’re good right here,” said residents of Flint. 

2. Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday joined a groundswell of support for permanently banning serial transit pervs from riding the city’s subways. “TAXI!!!!” yelled Anthony Weiner.

3. Last week, Mattel, the 75-year-old toymaker behind Barbie, launched it’s first ever gender-fluid doll. “First ever?” said Ken, looking down. 

4. The Kremlin said on Monday that Washington would need Russian consent to publish transcripts of phone calls between President Trump and his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. And if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s getting consent: 

5. After being cut by the New England Patriots, receiver Antonio Brown enrolled at Central Michigan University to finish his college degree. Which is weird, if he wanted to play amateur football, he could have just stayed on the Raiders.

6. According to a new study, living near a coastline improves mental health.“Told ya so Wilson” said one such beachside resident: 

7. President Trump called for an end to religious persecution on Monday at the United Nations. Adding, “Mexican isn’t a religion, right?”

8. French researchers are developing what they say is the most powerful MRI scanner in the world which will use a supermagnet the weight of a blue whale. It’s the first machine that will diagnosis and give you cancer at the exact same time.

9. During his Congressional testimony last Thursday, the Acting Director of National Intelligence said he did not know the identity of the anonymous White House whistleblower who filed a complaint against President Trump. Although, he has a guess:

10. According to “The New York Post,” Casey Anthony is considering having another child. Sounds like someone’s got a new car with extra trunk space. 

11. Jerry Seinfeld has defeated a lawsuit claiming he stole the idea for the Netflix hit “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” from a former colleague. And, in related news, still no one wants to take credit for “The Marriage Ref”:

12. According to “The New York Times,” President Trump suggested shooting migrants in the legs in order to slow them down after crossing the southern border. Or they could do what Melania does when she wants to slow Donald down:

13. According to reports, when President Trump was denied his request for a Southern border moat and told he can’t shot migrants in the legs, he allegedly yelled, “I ran on this issue. You’re making me look like an idiot.” To which his advisors replied, “I think you’re giving us way too much credit for that, Sir.”

14. Last week, teenager in New Mexico was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Officials became suspicious that he wasn’t a real cop when he pulled over an African American and did not shoot him.

15. This week, President Trump incorrectly attacked “The Washington Post” for an article that ran in “The New York Times.” Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, I’m great with names, just ask Not Ivanka #1 an Not Ivanka #2.”:

16. This week, Disney revealed its first openly gay couple, Orka and Flix from the tv series “Star Wars Resistence.” That story again, Chip continues to deny his feelings for Dale:

17. The University of Kansas has apologized for a performance by rapper Snoop Dogg that featured drug references and dancers on stripper poles. Said the school, “We apologize, how could we have known that Snoop Dogg would behave exactly the same as he has for the past thirty years.”

18. Ahead of this year’s holiday season, a California company is selling kale-flavored candy canes. “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said lumps of coal.

September 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A documentary about alleged sexual abuse by Michael Jackson won an Emmy on Saturday. In response, the estate of Michael Jackson said the late singer would be horrified by the award, mainly because it wasn’t a Kid’s Choice Award. 

2. According to a new report, Triple Crown winning horse Justify failed a drug test last year and should not have been allowed to run in the Kentucky Derby. As a result, officials have given the rescinded the first place trophy and awarded to the runner-up:

3. A Pennsylvania couple is facing felony theft charges after their bank accidentally put $120,000 in their account, and the couple spent it instead of contacting the bank. Yikes, if spending money you didn’t earn is illegal, the starting lineup for the New York Knicks better lawyer up.

4. According to a recent article, DC comics is planning to introduce a black Batman. And of course his alter ego, Bruce Wayans:

5. When asked why his administration plans to weaken federal rules that force Americans to energy-efficient light bulbs, President Trump said he is not a fan of the bulbs because, “I always look orange.” So fair warning he’s probably coming after you next mirrors.

6. A Six Flags theme park in Maryland has announced a new promotion in which visitors spend 30 hours inside a coffin to win a pair of season passes. “I won what contest now?” said Stephen Miller.

7. Last week, reporters asked President Trump and the First Lady what they told their teenage son Baron about vaping. Melania said it was “dangerous and could lead to death,” while Donald said “I have a teenage son?”

8. This week, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau publicly apologized for wearing blackface on multiple occasions in his past. And to demonstrate that his apology was sincere and heartfelt, he made the announcement in sad blackface.

9. Last week, Scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered the blackest black ever. “Get MIT on the phone,” yelled Justin Trudeau to his secretary. 

10. Following her rally in New York Monday night, Senator Elizabeth Warren spent four taking selfies with supporters. So did New York City mayor Bill de Blasio, but only because it took him four hours to find a supporter to take a selfie with. 

11. President Trump awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to record-setting reliever Mariano Rivera on Monday. That story again, a New York institution was awarded a medal by a New Yorker who should be institutionalized.

12. British police on Friday arrested a man suspected of hacking famous music acts to steal unreleased songs and sell them for cryptocurrency. They also arrested the Spice Girls for releasing their own music.

13. The University of Alabama is penalizing students for leaving college football games before the beginning of the fourth quarter. But, in their defense, they’re from Alabama, there’s a good chance they thought there were only three quarters.

14. This week, Hilaria Baldwin announced she is pregnant again, it will be her fifth child with husband Alec Baldwin. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, Alec, leave that poor woman alone.

15. President Donald Trump named Robert O’Brien on Wednesday as his latest White House national security adviser, picking an experienced negotiator who has worked to secure the release of hostages. “He got my letters!” said an enthusiastic Melania.

16. The world’s first vagina museum is set to open in London. The price of admission is two dinners and a weekend upstate at a cozy bed and breakfast.

17. According to reports, a whistleblower complaint has been filed against President Trump alleging he made inappropriate comments while on the phone with the President of Ukraine. No word on whether President Trump will face consequences, but for some reason Billy Bush was fired again.

18. In a recent interview, former Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson said he smoked marijuana after every game of his NFL career. “Oh, after, that’s much smarter,” said the entire roster of the New York Jets.

19. An American Airlines flight was forced to make an unscheduled stop after a male passenger became unruly, punching seats, yelling at other passengers and smoking cigarettes. Or, as Shia Labeouf calls it, a career.

June 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, website Buzzfeed pulled out of an advertising deal with the Republican National Committee over objections to the party’s presumptive nominee Donald Trump. Although, if you think about it, Buzzfeed’s list of the 23 best places to live outside of the U.S. is really an ad for Trump anyway.

2. On Monday, two-time NBA MVP Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors announced that he will skip this summer’s Olympics in Rio. Curry said the idea of skipping a big athletic competition hadn’t occurred to him until he saw the Cavs play in the NBA Finals.

3. Bill Clinton’s half-brother Roger Clinton was arrested Sunday night in California and charged with driving under the influence. “This wasn’t why we had those ‘Clinton Arrested!’ banners printed up months ago,” said Fox News.

4. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday announced a citywide advertising campaign supporting a person’s right to use the bathroom corresponding with his or her gender identity. Which is weird because, from the smell of the city, I always just assumed people were already free to pee wherever they wanted.

5. According to a new poll, a large majority of American voters say doctor-prescribed medical marijuana use should be legal in the U.S. The researchers were able to get such a positive response because they counted “What was the question again?” as a yes.

6. On Monday night, Hillary Clinton garnered enough delegates to earn the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination. Said Bernie Sanders, “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance.”

7. Verizon’s “Can you hear me now” guy is appearing in ads for Sprint. Meanwhile, the “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy wants to know if you’d like fries with that.

8. This week, a jewelry shop in India was robbed by a monkey who stole $140 from the cash register. Said the exasperated manager to his worst employee, “See, I told you even a monkey could work the register.”

9. Donald Trump received a credit reserved for those making less than $500,000 on his latest New York City tax bill, something the campaign insists was an error by the city for the second quarter in a row. “Well someone’s made a big error here, either NYC or me,” said Melania.

10. Nick Cannon has challenged Eminem to a $100,000 rap battle. So, I’m beginning to think Mariah Carey was the sane one in that relationship.

July 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Macy’s took Donald Trump’s menswear collection off of its shelves in response to the billionaire’s recent controversial comments regarding Mexicans. Leaving used car salesmen and scumbags in general at a loss for what to wear to work tomorrow.

2. On Wednesday, Mayor Bill de Blasio said New York City is reviewing its contracts with Donald Trump following comments by the presidential candidate that were derogatory towards Mexicans. It seems like, at this point, Trump is running for president because he needs a job.

3. According to reports, the Trump Hotel Collection, a string of luxury hotel properties owned by Donald Trump, is the latest victim of a massive credit card breach. Authorities believe a group of highly-skilled and technically savvy cyber criminals is behind the breach while Trump blames the Mexicans.

4. Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton has raised more than $45 million since she entered the race in April. And, in related news, Bernie Sanders found a $5 bill in an old pair of pants.

5. Captured escapee David Sweat told investigators that he split up with fellow escapee Richard Matt because Matt kept getting drunk. But, in Matt’s defense, he was on vacation.

6. In the wake of the controversy surrounding the confederate flag, TV Land has pulled all episodes of “The Dukes of Hazzard,” which features a car with the flag painted on its roof, from its schedule. So now we know our mission, somehow get a confederate flag on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

7. Sepp Blatter, president of the embattled international soccer agency FIFA, has told a German magazine he has a clean conscience and believes he will “go to heaven one day.” Which can only mean one thing, heaven accepts bribes.

8. According to a new study, nearly half of first-time mothers in the U.S. gain too much weight during pregnancy. You can read more about the study in this month’s Medical Journal of Things You Should Probably Keep to Yourself.

9. On Wednesday, Lions Gate Entertainment announced that it will produce a movie based on the boardgame Monopoly. Lions Gate got the idea when it ran out of ideas.

10. The New York times caused an uproar on Wednesday when it suggested that people use peas in their guacamole. Although, if you’re rude to your waiter in a Mexican restaurant, he’ll do that himself.

June 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a published medical study, a woman was hospitalized for days after her skinny jeans caused her to lose feeling in her legs. Said the doctors, “Yeah, I don’t think the jeans were the cause, Mrs. Mills-McCartney.”

2. PBS announced on Wednesday that it will postpone the third season of “Finding Your Roots” following an internal review that concluded actor Ben Affleck improperly influenced the show to omit the fact that his ancestors owned slaves. Which is big news, because when PBS postpones one if its show, there’s a good chance their viewers may not “be around” by the time it airs.

3. Governor Scott Walker on Wednesday signed into law a bill repealing Wisconsin’s 48-hour waiting period for handgun purchases. Because, obviously, that whole thing down in South Carolina was just about a flag.

4. On Wednesday, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced a new initiative under which more than 65,000 students in the city’s poorest-performing public schools will undergo vision screenings and, if needed, given a free pair of eyeglasses. Said de Blasio, “If we can’t actually make them smarter, we can make them look smarter.”

5. Dutch police will temporarily block the route of the Tour de France cycling race on July 5th to draw attention to their pay dispute with the Dutch government. Now comes the hard part, getting anyone to watch the Tour de France.

6. Actor Shia LaBeouf was treated for a head injury he suffered when a stunt went wrong during filming in North Dakota. Luckily, LaBeouf is one of those actors where you’re not gonna notice much of a difference after a head injury.

7. A German convenience store clerk used the hose of a vacuum cleaner to chase away two armed robbers demanding money late Wednesday night. But, the story makes a lot more sense when you find out the robbers were dogs.

8. President Obama made news by saying the n-word while discussing race relations on comedian Mark Maron’s podcast. Maron said he wasn’t surprised by the word since the guest on his last episode was fellow comedian Michael Richards.

9. On Monday, rapper Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon. Man, first he sampled people’s music, now he’s sampling Suge Knight’s life.

10. On Tuesday, Mississippi weighed in and voiced its disapproval over official displays of the Confederate flag. So congratulations to South Carolina for doing the previously unthinkable, making Mississippi the voice of progress.

October 1, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. New grandmother Hillary Clinton was presented with a slew of gifts, mostly books, for her new granddaughter, Monday afternoon at private New York City fundraiser. The presents included a special edition of Dr. Suess’s “Oh, The Places You’ll Go.” Spoiler alert, those places are Iowa, New Hampshire, Colorado and then Minnesota.

2. The Colorado Supreme Court on Tuesday heard arguments over whether employees can be fired for using medical marijuana, which is legal in the state, but illegal under federal law. It marked the first time that a group of people in Colorado, dressed in the same robes that they wore yesterday, had a conversation solely about marijuana, since the day before.

3. The University of California will designate gender-neutral restrooms at its 10 campuses to accommodate transgender students. So good luck trying to decide how to leave the toilet seats in there.

4. New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio signed an executive order on Tuesday to raise the minimum hourly wage by more than a dollar to $13.13. As a result, Lena Dunham as cancelled all the New York City stops on her book tour.

5. Monday night, Kansas City Chiefs safety and devout muslim Husain Abdullah was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct after sliding to his knees in prayer to celebrate a touchdown. Asked why they never threw a flag on Tim Tebow when he prayed on the field, referees responded, “That was a totally different scenario, Abdullah actually scored a touchdown.”

6. Pennsylvania’s Roman Catholic bishops have adopted a new policy requiring boys on the wrestling team of Catholic schools to forfeit matches against female opponents. Although if a boy is scheduled to wrestle a bishop, those matches go on as planned.

7. According to a new study, the personalities of husbands and wives may affect their spouse’s success at work. Said Republicans, “I knew it was Michelle’s fault all along.”

8. Google is planning to role out a new streaming music service in the next few weeks to compete with Apple and Spotify. “We’re here if you need us,” said U2.

9. The home of legendary Notre Dame football coach Knute Rockney in South Bend, Indiana is currently on sale for $500,000. “But, if you’re interested in owning a former college football coach’s house, they’ll probably be a few more on the market come the end of the season,” said fans of the University of Michigan, fans of the University of Florida and family members of Lane Kiffin.

10. According to a new study, women who were unemployed in their youth tend to have fewer children in middle-age. Which explains why there are over a billion people in China.

September 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two people are suing Madison Square Garden for allegedly over-serving them at a recent Billy Joel concert. When he heard the news, Joel, out of habit, exclaimed, “I wasn’t the one driving, I swear!”

2. A 6.2 magnitude earthquake hit northwest of Anchorage early Thursday morning. Scientists believe it was the result of “seismic shifts in the Earth’s tectonic plates,” while former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin blames it on “the gays.”

3. Ferguson, Missouri Police Chief Thomas Jackson told CNN that, despite calls to do so, he has no intention of resigning. But, if for whatever reason, you do happen to lose your job, maybe leave “Ferguson Police Chief” off your resume.

4. The chief of the Osage Nation Native American tribe has asked all tribal members not to use FedEx, a major sponsor of the Washington Redskins, until the team changes its name. “It’s the right thing to do,” said Chief Sponsored By UPS.

5. The singer-songwriter formerly known as Cat Stevens has cancelled an upcoming show in New York City because scalpers have driven up prices. Which is a really clever way of saying no one bought tickets.

6. Authorities in Idaho are seeking a truck driver who held 37,000 pounds of frozen chicken for ransom demanding money for expenses before eventually letting it rot at a Montana truck stop. “Just how rotten are we talking about here?” said Taco Bell.

7. On the second season premiere of MTV’s show “Faking It,” a character was revealed to be intersex, a person who is born with both male and female chromosomes. “Looks like my competition for best actor/actress just heated up,” said Bruce Jenner.

8. President Obama has drawn criticism for a video that shows him saluting a Marine using a hand that was also holding a cup of coffee. Even worse, Barack wasn’t saluting the Marine, he was asking for a refill.

9. According to a recent poll, more than half of Americans said “yes” when asked if brands should drop their sponsorship deals with the NFL over its mishandling of players accused of domestic violence. Which I can only assume means that “Why the fuck should I care” counted as a “yes” vote.

10. A woman in the U.K., paralyzed from the waist down, regained her ability to walk after getting breast implants. “Oh, she can walk now, I didn’t even notice,” said men.

11. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto said on Monday that he hopes the U.S. Congress will soon pass immigration reform. It’s not a good sign when even the president of Mexico wants out.

12. On Monday, the Walt Disney Company said the stage version of “the Lion King” has generated the highest total box office of any production in any entertainment medium in history. Said Simba, “I just wish my dad was around to see my success.”

13. On Monday, a Virginia preschool teacher was arrested and charged with assault and battery after she allegedly punished a 13-month-old boy by biting his shoulder. “No you’re doing it all wrong,” said Mary Kay Letourneau.

14. On Tuesday, HBO confirmed that actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of the critically-acclaimed “True Detective” series. No word on what Matthew McConaughy and Woody Harrelson think of the casting, but they’ll probably be so high when it airs they won’t even realize it’s not them.

15. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. They said they just grew apart, which I took to literally mean that they kept getting fatter.

16. Clemson University suspended a mandatory online course that asked students about their sex lives following a backlash from the school community. The final straw occurred when a professor, upon learning of one girl’s minimal sexual experience, said he’d “give her an F.”

17. A leading lawmaker said on Sunday, women of the Senate have taken notice and will speak up about how the NFL has handled domestic abuse cases. Although, to be fair, women speaking up is what got the NFL into this mess to begin with.

18. According to zoo officials, the groundhog that squirmed out of New York Mayor Bill de Blasio’s hands and fell to the floor during this year’s Groundhog Day celebration, died on Thursday. Now, I’m no meteorologist, but that can’t be a good sign.

19. A 26-year-old Connecticut man was in police custody on Tuesday after showing up to a probation meeting driving a car that police say he stole from a woman in a supermarket parking lot and later may have used to rob a bank. Said the man, “But at least I was on time for my probation meeting.”

20. Thai Prime Minister General Prayuth Chan-ocha admitted on Tuesday to turning to fortune tellers for work-related advice. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “That’s an insult to people like me, who hold positions of power, and my magic eight ball.”

21. According to an investigative report, young people in rural Pennsylvania can buy heroin more easily than a bottle of wine. Which may explain why the Amish think the beard with no mustache is a good look.

September 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Larry Ellison, the world’s fifth richest person, worth $51 billion, announced he is retiring as CEO of Oracle, the company he founded in 1977. Ellison decided to step down when he remembered he was worth $51 billion.

2. During a concert in Monterey on Tuesday, singer Miley Cyrus offended many in attendance when one of her dancers used the Mexican flag to spank the oversized, fake butt she was wearing. It’s sad that one bad decision spoiled what otherwise would have been a very highbrow and classy evening.

3. San Francisco drag queens and a city lawmaker met with Facebook on Wednesday demanding the site change its policy banning users from using aliases in the social networking site. The drag queens also want to change how “poking” works.

4. A new study found that women in their eighties who fell indoors, rather than outdoors, died sooner than their peers. Unless, of course, they were skydiving.

5. After 260 years of exclusion, the Royal and Ancient golf club at St. Andrews in Scotland voted to allow women members. Their first act was to name Queen Elizabeth a honorary member because she is both royal and ancient.

6. Surveillance tape showed that a man armed with a banana robbed a convenience store in Philadelphia and made off on a bicycle with cash and cigarettes. But, in his defense, it sounds like he really needed the money.

7. Rush Limbaugh has ruffled some feathers by proclaiming on his radio program that sometimes when a woman says “no” she really means “yes.” Limbaugh also said it’s possible to build up an immunity to pepper spray.

8. In an effort to get illegal immigrants to join an identification card program, yesterday, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio offered reduced-price admission to many of the city’s famed attractions, including the Bronx Zoo, the Met and Carnegie Hall. Said illegal immigrants, “We don’t need cheap access to those places, who do you think cleans them?”

9. Researchers who measured the slipperiness of banana peels, the ability of pork stripes to stop nosebleeds, and the reactions of reindeer to humans in polar bear suits were among the winners of this year’s Ig Nobel prizes for comical scientific achievements. While this year’s lifetime achievement award went to the people who designed the Obamacare website.

10. A Swiss goalkeeper has threatened legal action after fans of a rival team urinated in his water bottle and then taunted him when he, unaware, took a sip. “I can’t believe soccer isn’t more popular in the U.S.” said R Kelly.

11. A Mississippi coroner went on social media over the weekend to urge residents to buy guns and be willing to use them on burglars. Adding, “It’s important to protect oneself and also, it’s just good for business.”

12. A Frankfurt judge set aside a temporary injunction issued two weeks ago against Uber allowing the car-sharing service to begin again across Germany. Now comes the hard part, convincing anyone to get into a car with a German stranger.

13. A man in Florida was arrested for masturbating during a yoga class. But, on the plus side, he got to keep that mat.

August 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. TV Guide is reporting that there may be a “Full House” reboot in the works with some of the original actors reprising their roles. “I’ll do it,” said Dave Couiler, Candance Cameron, Jodie Sweeten and the girl who played Kimmy Gibbler in unison.

2. Yesterday, Burger King announced that it has reached a deal to buy Canadian doughnut chain Tim Hortons and relocate its headquarters north of the border. As a result, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags to fly at half-mast.

3. Former Virginia Governor Robert McDonnell said on Tuesday a federal prosecutor was “completely off base” to suggest that he had provided help to a dietary supplement businessman in exchange for loans. Adding, “I never intended to pay those back.”

4. Chicago health officials monitored complaints on Twitter to locate the cause of a food poisoning outbreak and charge that restaurant with a violation. Officials were easily able to locate the diners using the hashtag #ThrowUpThursdays.

5. After moving up a month and switching to a weekday evening, Monday’s Primetime Emmy Awards drew 15.6 million viewers, a decrease of 2 million from last year’s telecast. Critics attribute the drop to the cast of “Game of Thrones” being at the ceremony in person this year.

6. The owners of the rights of the famed pornographic film “Deep Throat” have lost a lawsuit accusing the producers of the 2013 biopic “Lovelace” of copyright infringement. The victory was a surprise to many legal experts who expected a hung jury.

7. A brewery in Austin has started selling 99-packs of beer for $99. It’s perfect for the beer-lover who has given up on having a six-pack.

8. According to TMZ, Justin Bieber is being investigated for attempted battery, theft and robbery after trying to stealing a fan’s phone who was taking pictures of the singer and his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez as they played games at a Dave & Busters. Because nothing says “I’m an adult” like throwing a temper tantrum at an arcade themed restaurant.

9. A New York City police union leader on Tuesday castigated Mayor Bill de Blasio saying the city has lost ground on the fight against crime since he took office in January. Said de Blasio, “What are you complaining about, that’s more job security for you.”

10. Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper said on Tuesday that he was responding to a hypothetical question when he raised the possibility of granting clemency to the state’s longest-serving death row inmate should he lose his re-election bid in November. That hypothetical question, “Are you a sore loser?”