Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

December 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, President Trump’s relationship with Secretary of State Rex Tillerson never recovered after rumors surfaced that Tillerson called Trump ‘a moron.’ Much like the relationship between the President and Eric Trump never recovered after Eric called him ‘dad.’

2. President Trump’s border wall prototypes were tested this week to see if they can be climbed, broken through or gotten around. They conducted the test by putting President Trump and Melania on the same side of the wall:

3. A special performance of the off-Broadway show ‘Afterglow’ was staged on Sunday where all the performers and audience members were naked. So enjoy those warm seats, next audience.

4. Facebook on Monday rolled out Messenger Kids, an app that lets the world’s biggest social media company expand into a so-far untapped market of kids under 13. That story again, somewhere in Alabama, Roy Moore just pulled out his phone to delete Tinder and add Messenger Kids.

5. A new poll has found that 48% of Roy Moore supporters in Alabama plan to vote for the alleged-pedophile because “he’s the best person for the job.” And, if you’ve ever seen the selection of men in Alabama, they may be right:

6. The Justice Department said Wednesday it is seeking a warrant so it can seize an ancient ring believed to be trafficked by the Islamic State. And, if that doesn’t work, they’re gonna give Nic Cage a hastily drawn treasure map.

7. Last week, for the first time in the United States, a woman with a transplanted uterus gave birth. She gave birth to a healthy, six pound, eight ounce uterus.

8. According to reports, Republican Congressman Blake Farenthold settled a sexual harassment claim brought against him in 2014 with $84,000 of taxpayer money. Although, by the look of him, I’m guessing $84,000 is actually the least amount of money he’s ever had to paid for sex:

9. Earlier this week, President Trump took to Twitter to openly questions ‘Morning Joe’ host Joe Scarborough’s role in an unsolved murder. Although, if you’re gonna send Scarborough to jail for anything, it should be this:

10. According to a new book, President Trump’s meal of choice while on the campaign trail was two Big Macs, two Filet-o-Fishes and a chocolate milkshake. Begging the question, was he campaigning to become the next president or the next Grimace?:

11. Last week, Senate Democrats criticized Republicans for making last-minute, handwritten changes to the tax reform bill, hours before voting on it. And somehow those weren’t worse Republican handwritten notes that came to light last week:

12. Pizza Hut recently announced that they will begin delivering alcohol. Which seems pointless, these people are ordering Pizza Hut, clearly they’re already very drunk.

13. The Republican Party has resumed funding the Senate campaign of Roy Moore, who is accused of sexual misconduct involving teenage girls. To celebrate, Moore bought a round of Orange Julius’s for everyone at the food court.

14. Donald Trump Jr. would not tell House investigators Wednesday what he and his father discussed following a June 2016 meeting he had in Trump Tower with Russians, citing attorney-client privilege. I can tell you for sure one that that wasn’t said during that conversation, “I’m proud of you, son.”

15. Democratic Congressman John Conyers stepped down on Tuesday after multiple accusations of sexual misconduct. Although it’s not the first time someone has stepped following sexual misconduct:

16. President Donald Trump’s lawyers told a New York state judge on Tuesday that under the U.S. Constitution she had no jurisdiction over the president and therefore urged her to dismiss a defamation lawsuit. That shocking story again, the President has heard of the Constitution.

17. According to reports, Disney’s Hall of Presidents is scheduled to debut its new Donald Trump statue sometime before Christmas. “Maybe don’t bolt it down too tight,” said Robert Mueller.

18. The results of a new study found that obese people who eat almonds and chocolate every day may have lower cholesterol than their counterparts who don’t. Said one fat guy, “This is a doctor-prescribed Almond Joy.”

19. After being indicted, former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort reportedly teamed up with a Russian operative to ghostwrite an op-ed defending himself. Begging the question, where does Trump find the time to help write an op-ed?

20. A new study found that leaving a bedroom window open may help people sleep better. “I beg to differ,” said the guy who lives next to Macklemore.

September 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Before addressing the United Nations on Monday, President Trump was caught asking the man seated next to him whether the red light in front of him meant the microphone was on or off. So, at least, he’s learning from his mistakes:

2. Last Friday, an 11-year-old named Frank from Virginia mowed the White House lawn after sending a letter asking to do so. “Are there any little kids requesting to make purses?” asked Ivanka.

3. Last Friday, an 11-year-old named Frank from Virginia mowed the White House lawn after sending a letter asking to do so. And Trump helped out:

4. Last week, one-star reviews of Hillary Clinton’s new book “What Happened” mysteriously disappeared from Amazon. “Good luck finding them,” said the family of Vince Foster.

5. According to a new study, getting your tonsils removed increases your fertility. Although, if your tonsils are getting in the way of you getting pregnant, I think you might be doing it wrong.

6. A pop-up restaurant has opened in Tokyo where the 17 waiters and waitresses all suffer from dementia. Or, as it is known here in the States, Starbucks:

7. Ex-Trump aide Michael Caputo says he spent his children’s college fund on a lawyer to defend him in the ongoing Russian probe. But cheer up Mike, there’s history of people successfully suing Trump to get their tuition money back:

8. Jedediah Bila announced on Monday that she is leaving ‘The View.’ Jedediah is leaving, I assume, to spend more time churning butter.

9. A New York startup is developing a wristband that lets the wearer send text messages solely using their thoughts. The technology is still in the early stages, but here’s a sneak peak at what a technology that allows for stream-of-consciousness will look like:

10. An Ohio father who tried to discipline his 6-year-old daughter by chasing her around in a scary clown mask has been charged with inducing panic. “Is it sill illegal if it’s not a mask?” asked Kellyanne Conway’s kids.

11. Prosecutors on Wednesday sought a prison sentence of 27 months for Anthony Weiner, who admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to a teenage girl in a scandal that played a role in last year’s presidential election. After which, he may want to consider entering the witness protection program:

12. A San Diego children’s hospital unveiled a collection of remote controlled mini cars that allow its young patients to ‘drive’ themselves to the operating room. Unfortunately, the doctors aren’t very good, so the kid operating the mini tow-truck has been very busy.

13. This week, North Korea’s foreign minster compared President Trump’s threats to destroy the country to “a dog barking.” A sound in North Korea which also means dinner isn’t quite ready yet.

14. According to Roald Dahl’s widow, the author initially wanted to make the main character in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” black. In fact, originally, the Oomp-Loompas followed Charlie around the factory making sure he didn’t steal anything.

15. According to reports, former White House strategist Steve Bannon is in talks with Hollywood to make a western. I assume because he’s dead-ringer for the bloated corpse of John Wayne.

16. A few days after being accused of liking a pornographic tweet, Texas Senator Ted Cruz dismissed the claim saying, “the left is obsessed with sex.” Adding, “while my right hand is only mildly interested in it.”

17. A Florida woman punched her husband in the face after he burst into her bedroom while she was pleasuring herself because he thought she was having sex with another man. Or, as Chris Brown calls it, foreplay.

18. Last week, playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda went to Washington D.C. to advocate for the arts and sang Broadway songs on the congressional train the runs under the Capital building. Little known fact, if you sing show-tunes on the congressional train Lindsey Graham appears out of nowhere.

August 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that the Brooklyn Nets, who went 20-62 last season, will play two games in Mexico next year. In response, the Mexican President said, “When America sends its people here, they’re not sending their best.”

2. The International Olympic Committee is reportedly considering adding video gaming to its roster of sports for the 2024 Olympic Games. Which means, in the not-too-distant future, both of these men could be gold medal athletes:

3. This week, North Korea released a Canadian pastor after he was sentenced to life in prison two and a half years ago. Unfortunately, they released him to Guam.

4. An evangelical adviser to President Trump said the commander-in-chief has God’s authority to take out North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Said Trump, “Did God say anything about Rosie O’Donnell?”

5. An evangelical adviser to President Trump said the commander-in-chief has God’s authority to take out North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Which means Trump now has permission to cross off another item on his bucket list:

6. The doctor who discovered CTE believes that any parent who lets their kid play football should be charged with child abuse. He also considers it child abuse for any parent to raise their kid as a Jets fan.

7. Yesterday, in response to the North Korean situation, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said there is “no imminent threat” and that “Americans should sleep well at night.” Although, I think Tillerson is vastly overestimating how well Americans have been sleeping since January 20, 2017:

8. A fragrance company is selling a candle that they claim smells like New York City for $70. Because nothing says New York City like spending $70 on a candle.

9. Bruce Springsteen is headed to Broadway for an eight-week solo theater run. No word if the 8-week run will feature multiple shows or just one, long, normal-length Springsteen show.

10. Cheetos is launching a pop-up restaurant in New York City devoted to Cheetos-inspired dishes. Which explains this recent headline:

June 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A third Alabama schoolteacher has been arrested for alleged sexual misconduct with a student. That’s crazy, who knew they even had three teachers in Alabama?

2. It was announced yesterday that a sitcom based on the life of Tom Arnold is in the works. The show will be called, “So Jim Belushi Said No.”

3. A California man has visited Disneyland for the past 2,000 days in a row. Said the man, “I know I can’t go within 200 feet of a school, but the judge didn’t say anything about amusement parks.”

4. A musical based on the life of Princess Diana is coming to Broadway. And I believe they already made a Broadway musical about Camilla Parker Bowles:

5. The heir to the luxury crystal brand Swarovski got married over the weekend in a dress encrusted with 500,000 jewels that weighed 100 pounds. The bride weighing an extra 100 pounds should prepare the groom for married life.

6. Researchers have found that older people who have sex more often increase their brain power. Yup, that checks out:

7. ‘Wheel of Fortune’ is under fire for using a photographic backdrop showing two African-Americans in slave-era clothing. But, in the show’s defense, it was a prize puzzle, and the prize was a trip to see a taping of Bill Maher.

8. According to reports, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have hired a surrogate to carry their third child. I assume because the fire marshall told Kim the amount of people allowed inside of her has reached maximum occupancy.

9. Britain’s Queen Elizabeth stirred up social media on Wednesday when she opened parliament in a hat looking very much like a European Union flag. Which really drew attention away from her “Who Farted?” t-shirt:

10. Korean scientists have developed glasses that allow the wearer to see sound. So far, seven people have gone blind listening to Kesha.

11. A Jerusalem court ruled on Wednesday that airline employees cannot ask women to change seats to spare a man from having to sit next to a woman. “Bummer,” said this guy:

12. According to a new study, fathers who get more involved in raising their children may be helping to lower their kids’ risk of obesity. That story again, Barron’s gonna be fat.

13. Today is take your dog to work day. Which is easily the most hectic day at the squirrel factory.

14. According to a new survey, 39% of office workers admitted to masturbating while at work. That story again, there’s a 39% chance that wasn’t White Out.

June 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hours before former FBI Director James Comey testified on Thursday, the line to get into the public hearing stretched to over 600 people. “Wow, 600 people! Who was getting inaugurated?” asked Trump.

2. Many bars in Washington D.C. opened at nine Thursday morning allowing patrons to get good and drunk ahead of the Comey hearing. And it showed:

3. A musical based on the life and songs of Cher will be coming to Broadway in 2018. Of course, if you’d like a sneak peak before that, you can always check out Mike Pence’s nightmares.

4. A yearbook at a middle school in San Diego inadvertently printed the n-word on the cover. Said the principal, “We apologize, that’s not the kind of language we want to be associated with here at Bill Maher Regional Middle School.”

5. Yesterday in response to James Comey’s testimony, President Trump’s personal attorney, Marc Kasowtiz, released a statement on the president’s behalf which misspelled the word ‘president’ in the very first sentence. Leading to the startling conclusion that this guy may be the most competent person in Trump’s life:

6. Yesterday, Vice President Mike Pence revealed that carrot cake is his favorite dessert. That story again, a bland vanilla wafer likes carrot cake.

7. According to a new study, people who get drunk for the first time before their fifteenth birthday are more likely to die prematurely. And, apparently, so are the people who get them drunk:

8. Actor Brad Pitt made a surprise appearance this week on a Comedy Central show playing the role of a weatherman. Not to be outdone, Al Roker has started a fight club.

9. A newly renovated gorilla exhibit has reopened at the Cincinnati Zoo a year after the death of Harambe. And, just like when you left home to go to college, they turned Harambe’s room into a gym.

10. According to court testimony on Wednesday, Bill Cosby told the mother of the woman who has accused him of sexual assault that he was a “sick man.” Luckily, he had a pill for that, too.

11. Designer Stella McCartney is teaming up with a save-the-ocean group to make clothes from aquatic debris. So, now, how Ke$ha looks will finally match how she smells.

12. Massachusetts lawmakers are weighing whether to ban the use of Native American mascots in public schools. So far, the best plan to get rid of the Indian mascots is to have the New England Patriots bring them blankets.

13. According to a new study, women who have regular sex tend to live longer. “My affairs are in order,” said Melania.

14. Over the weekend, former Secretary of State John Kerry said President Trump seeking a new deal on climate change is like O.J. Simpson searching for the real killer. Begging the question, can two people be Kato?:

15. The next SpaceX mission to the International Space Station will carry 400 fruit flies, 2000 eggs and 40 mice. Or, as it is more commonly know, a New York City studio apartment.

16. A 57-year-old woman in Spain admitted to pretending to being blind for the past 28 years to avoid having to interact with people. Plus, you know, free dog.

17. Oreo O’s a cereal made to taste like the cookie, is returning the supermarket shelves after a ten year hiatus. The cereal is exactly the same as before, but with a new tagline: “We’re back for your other foot.”

18. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. That story again, if you use this guy’s computer, make sure to wash your hands afterwards.

19. A new app called DrnkPay stops users from making purchases while drunk. And, in related news, Taco Bell has filed for bankruptcy.

20. On Thursday, Boeing, the world’s biggest plane maker, said it is looking ahead to a world where jetliners fly without pilots.”Us too,” said people who live near Harrison Ford.

April 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Companies in the notoriously workaholic country of Japan are offering employees bonuses if they leave work early. Begging the question, is that how Donald Trump made his fortune:

2. The education minister in India has ordered an investigation into a textbook that described the “best” female figure as 36”-24″-36″. That story again, history books all over the world are already quoting Donald Trump’s inauguration speech.

3. According to reports, Bill O’Reilly’s behavior is said to have been a contributing factor in Megan Kelly’s departure from Fox News. Another factor, she turned 30.

4. New York Knick Kristaps Porzingis is reportedly so frustrated with the direction of the team that he blew of his season-ending exit interview. Although, in the current climate, it’s probably a good idea for anyone named ‘Kristaos Porzingis’ to avoid anything labeled an ‘exit interview.’

5. On Friday, the Trump administration said it would break with established precedent by not releasing to the pubic the log that keeps track of all White House visitors. “That’s bullshit,” said Eric Trump, “Dad told me they didn’t allow visitors at the White House.”

6. A musical parody of the show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway later this year. As an homage to “The Phantom of the Opera,” right before intermission the Chandler drops.

7. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. That story again, a house of prayer in Denver is about to unintentionally set the record for most Jesus lookalikes in one church at one time:

8. Emma Morano of Italy, the world’s oldest person, died over the weekend at the age of 117. Morano lived through two World Wars and almost made it to a third.

9. Ahead of his upcoming visit to Britain, President Trump has reportedly requested a golden carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth. Although, he’s gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out that not everyone has the same definition for the term ‘golden carriage ride’ as Russian prostitutes.

10. Masao Gunji of Japan now holds the Guinness World Record for most Hello Kitty memorabilia with 5,169 items lining the walls of his bright pink home. Gunji also set the record for ‘Most Red Flags.’

March 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Ivanka Trump’s role in the White House will be to act as President Trump’s “eyes and ears.” “Lower,” said her father.

2. The classic boardgame Monopoly is being turned into a Broadway play. Because everyone’s biggest gripe with the game was that it wasn’t long enough and needed more Nathan Lane.

3. According to a new study, the average person walks past seven psychopaths a day. That story again, Trump’s re-design of the Oval Office contains at least seven mirrors.

4. Rex Tillerson recently said he only accepted the position of Secretary of State because his wife told him to. “Wow, that’s weird,” said Trump, “Your wife talks to you?”

5. According to a new report, when together, President Trump and First Lady Melania don’t sleep in the same bed. But that’s only because Melania prefers a stiff, non-soggy mattress.

6. On Wednesday, Exxon Mobile said they have lost a year’s worth of emails written by former-CEO and now-Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. Have they checked the Atlantic Ocean, they have a tendency to accidentally dump stuff there.

7. According to a report, one White House staffer is so fearful about leaks, that “once he gets home in the evenings, he turns off his work phone and stores it in a drawer because … he believes it could be used to listen to him even when it’s off.” He said he would store it in the closet, but Mike Pence is taking up too much space in there.

8. A cooler containing 37.5 pounds of marijuana with an estimated street value of $24,000 was recently donated to a Goodwill store in Washington. Which led to a lot of questions, like “Who donated the cooler?” and “How was Shelia the cashier able to come up with the street value so quickly?”

9. A New Jersey schools superintendent has apologized for an assignment in which fifth-graders were asked to create posters advertising slave auctions. But, on the plus-side, they sold a lot of fourth-graders.

10. The NFL is developing ‘educational training videos’ for players on the proper ways to celebrate a touchdown. “No need to send those videos to us,” said the Browns.

January 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Netflix announced that it is bringing back the makeover reality series “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” You can hear all about it in Mike Pence’s nightmares.

2. Over the weekend, a truck driver spilt 38,000 pounds of marbles over an Indianapolis highway. “And now we wait,” said Wily E. Coyote.

3. A White House source said he is confident President Trump will not seek Kellyanne Conway’s advice often because, under the current office layout, he would have to climb a flight of stairs to do so. Begging the question, can we make sure the nuclear codes are always a flight of stairs away from him?

4. Kellyanne Conway, a counselor to President Trump, said she didn’t understand why millions of people around the world attended protests Saturday. Well, maybe this will clear it up for you:
trump-eats-farts

5. A 21-year-old Malaysian man had to call firefighters to assist him on Friday after he got his dick stuck in a water bottle he was using to pee into and then cut himself with a metal saw while trying to free himself. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, what happened to that water bottle?” asked Trump.

6. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said he would meet with President Donald Trump later this week to discuss Trump’s Supreme Court pick, and the he expects the nominee to be highly qualified and a real conservative. Or, in other words, the exact opposite of Trump himself.

7. The producer of “Hamilton” has been sued by a blind theatergoer who claimed that the Broadway musical violates federal law by failing to offer services to help blind and visually impaired people enjoy the show. If they think that’s bad, wait til they hear who was playing Hamilton.

8. Authorities in the United Arab Emirates have opened an investigation into a visit by Kim Kardashian to a Dubai government children’s charity this month and suggested it undermined local values. Said Kim, “Oh, so you’re familiar with my work.”

9. The romantic musical “La La Land” became the movie to beat at the Academy Awards after earning 14 nominations on Tuesday. “Still no,” said your boyfriend.

10. According to reports, Vice President Mike Pence calls his wife Karen, “mother.” But, you know, in that non-creepy, Norman Bates kind of way.

January 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During Sunday night’s Golden Globes, Meryl Streep gave an acceptance speech that was critical of President-elect Donald Trump, without once mentioning his name. Which was difficult because reporters kept asking who she was wearing:
streep

2. Monday morning, Donald Trump responded to a speech given by Meryl Streep at Sunday night’s Golden Globes that was critical of the President-elect. Said Trump, “Meryl Streep is an overrated actress, the child she didn’t pick in ‘Sophie’s Choice’ should consider herself the lucky one.”

3. Sunday night, pornstar Jenna Jameson took to twitter to denounce Meryl Streep’s anti-Trump speech at the Golden Globes. The two have more in common than you think, one is an experienced actor with three Oscars, while the other has experience taking on three Oscars.

4. While presenting an award at Sunday Night’s Golden Globes, actor Jon Hamm called the facial hair trend amongst the men in the room “a beard parade.” And then, purely out of reflex, Kelly Preston said, “No, I’m not.”
 
5. “Escape to Margaritaville,” a musical dedicated to the songs of Jimmy Buffett, is heading to Broadway in the spring of 2018. So if you’re disappointed that you can’t get tickets to “Hamilton” here’s a great way to add to that disappointment.
 
6. While reporting from the Golden Globes red carpet, “Today” show correspondent Jenna Bush incorrectly combined the name of two movies with predominately African American casts, “Hidden Figures” and “Fences,” into “Hidden Fences.” It’s like I’ve told you before, Jenna Bush doesn’t care about black people movies.

7. On Monday, Donald Trump’s transition team announced that the President-elect’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, will become a senior White House adviser. In the statement, Trump referred to Kushner as the son he always wanted.

8. In a recent interview, the number two golfer in the world, Rory McIlroy, revealed that Tiger Woods sends him texts early in the morning. Which can mean only one thing, McIlroy is saved under ‘Rory’ in Tiger’s phone and he thinks it’s a girl.
 
9. According to a new report from the Department of Agriculture, a middle-income, married couple is estimated to spend $233,610 to raise a child born in 2015. And, in unrelated news, Casey Anthony just bought a new Corvette!

10. A man in West Virginia confessed to shooting his semen at female shoppers at a local WalMart store. But, in the man’s defense, his job title is official WalMart skeeter.