March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

March 11, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, while meeting with supporters at a local church in Alabama, President Trump signed multiple copies of the Bible. It is the most regrettable thing Trump has put his name on since Don Jr. 

2. An Oregon man, who was stranded in his snowbound SUV with his dog, told rescuers he survived for five days solely on Taco Bell sauce packets. Thus reaffirming what we already knew, Taco Bell fire sauce goes great with dog meat.

3. A doughnut shop in Florida is selling a $1000 doughnut that is topped with 24-karat gold and Cristal champagne. So, if you live in Florida and have a grand to spare, enjoy the extra thousand dollars worth of meth. 

4. Sunday night, filmmaker Spike Lee won his first ever Oscar. In response, Lee lowered his demands to 30 acres and a mule.

5. Last weekend, after accepting the Best Actor Oscar for his role in “Bohemian Rhapsody” the Freddie Mercury bio-pic, actor Rami Malek accidentally fell off the stage. Or, he’s already starting prepping for his next role, ‘Frasier’ the Kelsey Grammar biopic:

6. On Tuesday, several members of the Portland Trailblazers were stuck for over thirty minutes in an malfunctioning elevator. Even worse, one time Rob Gronkowski was stuck for three days on a broken escalator:

7. North Carolina authorities have jailed a wife for allegedly impersonating her daughter in court. “Wait, they were two different people?” asked a confused Woody Allen.

8. On Thursday, Israel’s attorney general announced corruption charges against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just 40 days before his re-election. Experts called the timing of the charges worrisome, while James Comey called it perfect.

9. On Friday, Alabama Republican Roy Moore, whose unsuccessful 2017 Senate campaign was marred by allegations he sexually pursued teenage girls while in his 30s, said he may again run for the Senate. It’s like Moore always says, if at first you don’t succeed, find a different fifteen year old girl.

10. Michael Cohen, the former personal lawyer of President Donald Trump, on Thursday sued the Trump Organization, saying it reneged on its obligation to reimburse him for millions of dollars of legal fees. “Wait, you’re getting paid for this!?!?!” asked Rudy Giuliani.

11. A Florida woman who once owned the day spa where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited sexual acts, watched the Super Bowl with President Donald Trump. Begging the question, how did that criminal get that level of security clearance, also what was that spa owner doing there? 

12. A new report about the close relationship between Fox News and President Donald Trump says the President personally asked a top White House aide to make sure the Justice Department stopped AT&T from purchasing Time Warner. “If you want to prevent them from merging, I suggest making them sleep in different rooms,” said Melania.

13. According to a new study, when parents of boys don’t spend a lot of time playing or talking with them, their sons may be more likely to use guns in adolescence. You don’t say:

14. On Wednesday, singer R Kelly was taken into custody for failure to pay child support. Said the child in question, “You know what, I’m good.”

15. In a legal brief filed Wednesday with the Supreme Court, rappers Killer Mike, Chance the Rapper, Meek Mill, Yo Gotti, Fat Joe, and 21 Savage claimed Jamal Knox’s rap song “F*** the Police” is a “political statement” and “not a true threat of violence.” They also added that Sir Mix-a-lot has, at best, mixed emotion about larger posteriors.

16. According to a new survey, Americans are consuming more gourmet coffee than ever. Message received:

March 9, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Alec Baldwin and President Trump threw insults at each other on Twitter after Mr. Baldwin described portraying Mr. Trump on “Saturday Night Live” as “agony.” Man, I’ve seen less contentious actor-president relationships between Lincoln and Booth.

2. Sunday night’s Oscar, marked the first ceremony in many years without Harvey Weinstein. And no one was more grateful for that than the potted plants in the lobby of the Kodak Theater.

3. Law experts are saying some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniel’s nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have lurid photos that were taken during her sexual encounters with Donald Trump. Said one person who has reportedly seen the photos, “DEAR GOD, I’VE GONE BLIND!”

4. According to ‘the New York Times,’ following news that China’s President Xi Jinping is now president for life, President Trump jokingly told donors, “maybe we’ll give that a shot someday.” “I’m happy you like the idea of a life sentence,” said Robert Mueller.

5. A man was arrested and charged with grand theft larceny after allegedly stealing Frances McDormand’s Oscars trophy after the Academy Awards on Sunday night. And, if stealing an Oscar is consider grand theft, Adrian Brody better lawyer up:

6. A woman was arrested on Tuesday after she attempted to open an aircraft door during a flight from San Francisco to Boise, Idaho. But, to be fair, if you found out you were headed for Boise, you’d want out ASAP too.

7. During a news conference on Tuesday, President Trump promised his proposed tariffs on steel and aluminum will be applied in a “very loving way.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump will not ask for the tariff’s consent beforehand.

8. On Tuesday, former pornstar and alleged presidential mistress Stormy Daniels sued Donald Trump. That story again, a blond airhead with large tits and a penchant for suing people is being sued by Stormy Daniels.

9. President Trump refuted recent reports on Tuesday, saying there is no chaos in the White House. And in related news, Melania is now jealous of chaos.

10. In response to a Republican bill to name a state highway after President Trump, a Democratic state senator has proposed a bill to name an offramp after Stormy Daniels. And what better way to honor Trump’s legacy than to use Stormy Daniels to get off.

11. The White House announced this week that President Donald Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un by May. That story again, maybe don’t make any plans for after May.

12. 70-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he has agreed to star in a sixth Terminator film. His catchline in the movie will be “Oy, my back.”

13. Sunday night, the Winston Churchill biopic “The Darkest Hour” won the Academy Award for best makeup. So good luck to whoever had to break the news to this losing nominee:

14. Over the weekend at the NFL Scouting Combine, Central Florida’s one-handed linebacker Shaquem Griffin did twenty reps on the bench press at 225 pounds with a prosthetic hand. And, in unrelated news, I’m pretty sure I pulled a hamstring getting off the couch this morning.

15. Over the weekend, “The Emoji Movie” swept the Razzies Awards, taking home the worst picture, screen combo, director and screenplay awards. Which is weird, because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

16. Russian President Vladimir Putin told Washington to send him hard evidence that his citizens meddled in U.S. elections. May I present Exhibit A:

17. President Donald Trump’s Chief of Staff John Kelly on Friday conceded the White House could have better handled a scandal involving senior aide Rob Porter. Said Kelly, “But other than that, I think we’re nailing it.”

18. Two phone companies say they plan to put a high-speed cellular network on the moon. So fingers crossed this means they’re sending the “can you hear me now” guy to the fucking moon.

October 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The student Academy Awards were held on Thursday in Beverly Hills. They are just like the regular Academy Awards except to get nominated you don’t have to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a potted plant.

2. This week, President Trump gave his first one-on-one interview in three months to Mike Huckabee. And, given all that, no one was under more pressure than the chairs:

3. Madison Square Garden has created a ticket package for $400,000 that includes front-row seats for 180 events, including all Knicks and Rangers games and concerts from the likes of Billy Joel and Shakira. Or, you can pay $500,000 for a package that doesn’t include Knicks games.

4. According to a new ‘Vanity Fair’ article, an increasingly frustrated President Trump has been heard saying, “I hate everyone in the White House.” Said Eric, “This is the first time I’m happy daddy makes me sleep in a tent out back”:

5. It is being reported that during the meeting that led to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling President Trump a ‘moron,’ Trump said he wanted to increase the U.S.’s nuclear arsenal tenfold. Which is five more folds than normal for him:

6. According to a new survey, 52% of men say they haven’t personally benefited from women having access to affordable birth control. A result that only makes sense if they somehow, accidentally polled Kevin Federline 52 times.

7. The world’s heaviest woman died this week. Luckily, it was an easy death because she had ample experience going towards the light:

8. According to a new study, half of Americans think, in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. That story again, Ann Romney was way ahead of her time:

9. This week ‘The Times of London’ reported that ousted movie exec Harvey Weinstein once invited a British noblewoman to “jump in the bath” with him. Begging the question, just how big was that bathtub that it could fit Harvey Weinstein and another human being?

10. According to a study in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, more than 1 million Americans injure themselves on stairs each year. Not to be outdone, 60 million Americans were fucked over by an escalator last year:

11. Vice President Mike Pence left a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday after some players knelt during the National Anthem. There was also a mass exodus following the National Anthem at the Jets game, but that’s because it was announced they were playing the Browns.

12. This week, President Trump responded to reports that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him “a fucking moron” by challenging him to an IQ test. IQ tests are based on verbal intelligence, mathematical ability, spatial reasoning, and, uh-oh, ability to open doors:

13. Microsoft said on Monday it was looking into whether Russians bought U.S. election ads on its Bing search engine. Oh man, if that’s true, those ads could have been seen by literally tens of people.

14. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin received a puppy as a belated-birthday gift from the president of Turkmenistan. Said Putin, “Great, just what we need in this country, another foreigner who pees wherever he wants.”:

15. Some East African countries no longer want foreign secondhand clothing because they’re trying to manufacture their own clothing. But what those Africans really want is to meet the back-to-back-to-back-to-back Superbowl-winning Buffalo Bills teams of the early 90s.

16. A company has begun selling condoms in 60-custom-fit sizes in response to men who say they don’t like wearing prophylactics because they don’t fit properly. Said those same men to their girlfriends, “Did I also mention I’m allergic to latex?”

17. Forbes magazine, which annually ranks the world’s richest people, said they have a ‘Trump rule’ where they take whatever Trump says he’s worth and divide it by three. Completely disregarding two-thirds is an idea the magazine said they got from Trump himself:

18. Authorities say man in Minnesota lived in a house with the decomposing bodies of his mother and twin brother for over a year. But, on the plus-side ladies he’s a homeowner now.

19. White House officials believe Chief of Staff John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked. Even crazier, Trump’s wasn’t:

20. Grammy-winning rapper Nelly was arrested near Seattle early on Saturday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her on a tour bus. But we shouldn’t rush to judgment, maybe it was just locker room talk:

July 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hillary Clinton’s new memoir on the 2016 presidential race will be released in September. Or, if you just can’t wait until then, you can read it on Wikileaks in August.

2. President Trump lashed out on Twitter on Thursday against the ‘Fake News’ for not reporting that Russian spies had information on his campaign too. Um, I’m pretty sure they did report on that:

3. A Minnesota choir teacher is being charged with having a sexual relationship with a student and sending partially naked photos of herself to him. School officials became suspicious when the boy when from an alto to a baritone in a week.

4. On Thursday, the Trump administration warned of potential repercussions for Alaska after its Senator Lisa Murkowski voted against the Republican backed healthcare bill. Said Alaska, “There’s nothing you can do to us that will hurt worse than what we’ve already done to ourselves”:

5. According to reports, Russian intelligence agents created dozens of phony Facebook accounts in an effort to spy on Emmanuel Macron during the French presidential election. That story again, the Russian intelligence agency is composed entirely of jilted ex-girlfriends.

6. Singer Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his truck in Beverly Hills Wednesday night. Oh no, is the truck alright?

7. On Wednesday, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci compared President Trump’s bid to repeal Obamacare to President Lincoln abolishing slavery. And, in Scaramucci’s defense, both involve trying to sweep the work of black men under the rug.

8. An upcoming episode of PBS’s ‘Finding Your Roots’ uncovers that comedian Larry David is related to politician Bernie Sanders. The exhaustive research to make that discovery involved looking at them.

9. Late Tuesday night, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci accused chief of staff Reince Priebus of leaking Scaramucci’s public financial disclosure forms to the press. Said Scaramucci, “I know it was you Reince, you broke my heart”:

10. Police pulled over a man in upstate New York who was driving a car with no windshield, no doors and an axe stuck in the roof. Begging the question, it is too early to start putting ‘Kid Rock for Senate 2020’ bumperstickers on cars?

11. Actress Olivia Wilde felt so bad that Jennifer Lawrence vomited from the graphic imagery presented in her theater-version of ‘1984’ that she sent the Oscar winner soup. If that’s the case, then Mickey Rourke’s face owes me a ton of soup.

12. A 44-year-old man in China was recently hospitalized with severe kidney problems after eating fifty-four scoops of ice cream in one sitting. That story again, two down and just fifty-two to go:

13. According to reports, for the first time ever American scientists have successfully edited the DNA of a human embryo. Well, for the first time ever on purpose:

14. According to reports, ‘High Times’ magazine is considering going public with an IPO. Those interested will be able to buy either a quarter, an eighth or a half-eighth of the company.

15. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has overtaken Bill Gates to become the richest person in the world, worth over $90 billion. “We’ll see about that,’ said Gates setting up a bunch of phony email addresses to get free trials of Amazon Prime.

16. This week, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick said there are “no limits” on tight-end Rob Gronkowski. Of course, other than anything that involves books.

17. According to Politico, President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions are not longer on speaking terms. “But that implies they once were and, follow-up question, what was that like?” asked Eric Trump.

18. South Korean President Moon Jae-in on Wednesday welcomed a rescue dog to his official Blue House residence. It’s the first time a dog has come to the residence since the previous night when they ordered delivery food.

19. A swimming pool in Australia has put up signs targeted at migrants telling them not to grope women or enter the female changing room. “But that just applies to migrants, right?” said Trump backstage at a beauty pageant.

20. A rugby player in Australia, who forgot he had a three-week-old child after suffering a vicious tackle, is suing the opposing team for $1.4 million. And, in related news, President Trump is willing to pay $1.4 million for someone to recreate that hit on him:

21. Officials at a zoo in Tokyo are eliciting suggestions online for names for a newly born panda cub. Or, they could just cut out the middleman, and name it Panda McPandaface.

22. Authorities in Alabama arrested a man after he brought his daughter to a drug deal. Said the man, “I learned two valuable lessons today. Don’t bring a child to a drug deal. And my daughter has a street value of three and a half pounds of cocaine.”

23. A mom was arrested at a Queens casino for leaving her 10-year-old daughter inside their parked car for an hour and a half while she gambled. Although, in her defense, the last time she brought a kid into the casino, she lost her son on the river.

24. Ivanka Trump shared some photos of her daughter’s recent sixth birthday party, including an image of marshmallows on hot dogs. Alright, now she really is a fucking monster.

25. A six-week online program, taught in Russian, teaches students how to steal credit card data and hack PayPal accounts. Said recent graduate Donald Trump Jr., “Actually the course is mostly about adoptions.”

March 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, 120 diners celebrating a baptism at a restaurant in a small town in Spain all fled the restaurant at once without paying the bill which totaled over 2,000 euros. A story that President Trump no doubt loves because it combines two of his favorite things, Spanish people leaving and not paying bills.

2. Pizza Hut recently debuted their “Pie Tops,” a limited edition sneaker for March Madness, that allow customers to place orders by pressing a button on the tongue of the shoe that connects to an app. Of course, anyone interested in such a product hasn’t seen, let alone been able to touch their feet in years.

3. The Israeli government voted on Sunday in favor of decriminalizing recreational marijuana use. Because apparently, the one Jewish state in the world that is completely surrounded on every side by Muslim countries wasn’t already paranoid enough.

4. Last week, a lightning strike created a hole in the runway at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Wow, lightning had a busy week, causing delays at LaGuardia and doing Halle Berry’s hair for the Oscars:

5. On Friday, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov said the political scandal over contacts between the Russian ambassador and members of President Trump’s administration looked like “a witch hunt.” “Did someone say my name?” asked Kellyanne Conway.

6. There is a barbershop in Kazakhstan that uses strippers to cut men’s hair. It’s the only barbershop in the world where when the barber asks, “A little off the top?” the typical response is “Yes, but you first.”

7. The state of Arkansas plans to put to death eight inmates over a span of 10 days next month due to the looming expiration date for a drug used by the state for lethal injections. Yeah, wouldn’t want to give those people sentenced to death an expired medicine, could really do some damage, maybe even kill them.

8. The Justice Department said on Friday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions will reply in writing to Senate Democrats’ questions about his meetings with Russia’s ambassador last year. And, if some of his answers don’t make complete sense remember that Google translate doesn’t always convert Russian to English perfectly.

9. President Trump accused his predecessor Barack Obama on Saturday of wiretapping him during the late stages of the 2016 election campaign, but offered no evidence for the allegation. “You call this no evidence!?!” yelled our president:

10. A fire broke out late Thursday night at the Trump International Hotel in New York City. In response, Republicans in Congress passed a bill ordering the firefighters only to fight the smoke.

February 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday President Trump said he hasn’t called Russia in ten years. Although I assume by ‘Russia’ he means ‘Tiffany.’

2. There was a mixup during Sunday night’s Oscar ceremony, that resulted in the statuette for Best Picture being taken away from ‘La La Land’ after it was already awarded to them. ”They can do that!?!?” asked a panicky Adrien Brody.

3. During Sunday night’s Academy Awards, Mahershala Ali took home the trophy for Best Supporting Actor for his role in ‘Moonlight’ becoming the first Muslim actor to win an Oscar. Which, I assume, means no one won this year’s White House Oscar pool.

4. ABC’s Sunday night broadcast of the Academy Awards hosted by Jimmy Kimmel drew the smallest audience since 2008. The only thing that drew less of an audience were the movies nominated for Best Picture.

5. President Donald Trump told several chief executives of large insurance companies on Monday that 2017 will be a “catastrophic” year for the Affordable Care Act. Although he probably didn’t need to add “for the Affordable Care Act” at the end of that sentence.

6. This week in England, fans of Crystal Palace Football Club inadvertently vandalized their own team’s bus thinking it was the bus of Middlesbrough, prior to a soccer match between the two rivals. And, if I know anything about embarrassing episodes on buses, I’m sure that it was somehow Billy Bush’s fault.

7. On Monday, a political website posted a photo of Robbie Gatti, a candidate for the Louisiana House of Representatives, in black face. And, in related news, Donald Trump has named Robbie Gatti Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

8. A woman in Turkey has built a ‘cat ladder’ leading into her home that strays can use when it’s cold outside. It also serves as an escape ladder for any man who somehow finds himself in that home.

9. A Dutch woman approaching her 100th birthday persuaded local police to “arrest” her so she could check off an item on her bucket list. She was given a 48-hour sentence, or more accurately, a life sentence.

10. In a new interview, President Trump blamed the Academy Awards’ best picture mix-up on what he said was Hollywood’s misguided focus on politics. That story again, the host of a reality tv show said the entertainment industry should stay out of politics.

February 23, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Ivanka Trump took her 5-year-old daughter to see the Supreme Court in action. Which is smart, better see it before Grandpa has it demolished and replaced with a statue of himself.

2. According to a new poll, 60% of Americans can’t name even one movie up for Best Picture at this year’s Oscars. “Does ‘Hidden Fences’ count?” asked Jenna Bush Hager.

3. A state senator in North Dakota has written a bill that seeks a two-year ban on all wind power development. Begging the question, how was this not Trump’s first executive order?:
trump hair

4. A woman, who is a self-proclaimed spiritual teacher, life coach, reiki and crystal healer, has launched a crowd-funding effort in the hopes of raising $10,000 to fund her “spiritual journey around the world.” Which is a tough sell because “around” implies that she’s coming back.

5. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Which explains why grandpa didn’t have any singles to put in your birthday card this year.

6. A French artist is preparing to be entombed for a week inside a 12-ton limestone boulder in a modern art museum in Paris, after which he will emerge and attempt to hatch a dozen eggs by sitting on them for weeks. An idea for a stunt that is so pointless and stupid that even David Blaine couldn’t think of it.

7. According to experts, life expectancy in the U.S. is so low that it is now projected to be on par with Mexico by 2030. “We’re gonna live as long as people in Mexico, that’s great news!” said people living in Chicago.

8. According to a new study, South Korean women will be the first in the world to have an average life expectancy over 90-years-old. “Not so fast,” said North Korea.

9. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. That story again, a gathering of animals who are incapable of formally organizing, on an obscure peninsula in South America was better attended than Donald Trump’s inauguration.

10. A chiropractor in Kansas has invented something called “labia lipstick” which is designed to glue a woman’s vagina shut during her period. “Is there a superglue version?” said Octomom.

January 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Netflix announced that it is bringing back the makeover reality series “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” You can hear all about it in Mike Pence’s nightmares.

2. Over the weekend, a truck driver spilt 38,000 pounds of marbles over an Indianapolis highway. “And now we wait,” said Wily E. Coyote.

3. A White House source said he is confident President Trump will not seek Kellyanne Conway’s advice often because, under the current office layout, he would have to climb a flight of stairs to do so. Begging the question, can we make sure the nuclear codes are always a flight of stairs away from him?

4. Kellyanne Conway, a counselor to President Trump, said she didn’t understand why millions of people around the world attended protests Saturday. Well, maybe this will clear it up for you:

5. A 21-year-old Malaysian man had to call firefighters to assist him on Friday after he got his dick stuck in a water bottle he was using to pee into and then cut himself with a metal saw while trying to free himself. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, what happened to that water bottle?” asked Trump.

6. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said he would meet with President Donald Trump later this week to discuss Trump’s Supreme Court pick, and the he expects the nominee to be highly qualified and a real conservative. Or, in other words, the exact opposite of Trump himself.

7. The producer of “Hamilton” has been sued by a blind theatergoer who claimed that the Broadway musical violates federal law by failing to offer services to help blind and visually impaired people enjoy the show. If they think that’s bad, wait til they hear who was playing Hamilton.

8. Authorities in the United Arab Emirates have opened an investigation into a visit by Kim Kardashian to a Dubai government children’s charity this month and suggested it undermined local values. Said Kim, “Oh, so you’re familiar with my work.”

9. The romantic musical “La La Land” became the movie to beat at the Academy Awards after earning 14 nominations on Tuesday. “Still no,” said your boyfriend.

10. According to reports, Vice President Mike Pence calls his wife Karen, “mother.” But, you know, in that non-creepy, Norman Bates kind of way.

January 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During Sunday night’s Golden Globes, Meryl Streep gave an acceptance speech that was critical of President-elect Donald Trump, without once mentioning his name. Which was difficult because reporters kept asking who she was wearing:

2. Monday morning, Donald Trump responded to a speech given by Meryl Streep at Sunday night’s Golden Globes that was critical of the President-elect. Said Trump, “Meryl Streep is an overrated actress, the child she didn’t pick in ‘Sophie’s Choice’ should consider herself the lucky one.”

3. Sunday night, pornstar Jenna Jameson took to twitter to denounce Meryl Streep’s anti-Trump speech at the Golden Globes. The two have more in common than you think, one is an experienced actor with three Oscars, while the other has experience taking on three Oscars.

4. While presenting an award at Sunday Night’s Golden Globes, actor Jon Hamm called the facial hair trend amongst the men in the room “a beard parade.” And then, purely out of reflex, Kelly Preston said, “No, I’m not.”
5. “Escape to Margaritaville,” a musical dedicated to the songs of Jimmy Buffett, is heading to Broadway in the spring of 2018. So if you’re disappointed that you can’t get tickets to “Hamilton” here’s a great way to add to that disappointment.
6. While reporting from the Golden Globes red carpet, “Today” show correspondent Jenna Bush incorrectly combined the name of two movies with predominately African American casts, “Hidden Figures” and “Fences,” into “Hidden Fences.” It’s like I’ve told you before, Jenna Bush doesn’t care about black people movies.

7. On Monday, Donald Trump’s transition team announced that the President-elect’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, will become a senior White House adviser. In the statement, Trump referred to Kushner as the son he always wanted.

8. In a recent interview, the number two golfer in the world, Rory McIlroy, revealed that Tiger Woods sends him texts early in the morning. Which can mean only one thing, McIlroy is saved under ‘Rory’ in Tiger’s phone and he thinks it’s a girl.
9. According to a new report from the Department of Agriculture, a middle-income, married couple is estimated to spend $233,610 to raise a child born in 2015. And, in unrelated news, Casey Anthony just bought a new Corvette!

10. A man in West Virginia confessed to shooting his semen at female shoppers at a local WalMart store. But, in the man’s defense, his job title is official WalMart skeeter.