Tag Archives: Cleveland

March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

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1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

September 14, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Two people in Britain have been diagnosed with a rare viral monkeypox infection in two separate cases. So I guess Susan has some explaining to do: 

2. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. That doesn’t make any sense, why would God be so intent on killing Post Malone when Macklemore is still out there rapping?

3. Rapper Post Malone was involved in a minor crash on Friday, just weeks after he was on a private jet that was forced to make an emergency landing at a New York airport after two of its tires blew out during takeoff. The rapper isn’t taking any chances, in fact he’s changed his name to Pre Malone.

4. A former Trump Organization executive this week claimed that President Trump tried to have Braille removed from elevators in Trump Tower, because, quote, “No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower.” Live no, decorate yes:

5. An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay entitled “How to Murder Your Husband,” was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly murdering her husband. The woman said her one regret was not titling the essay “How to Murder Your Husband and Get Away With It.” 

6. In a recent interview, former professional boxer Oscar De Le Hoya said he is seriously considering running for President of the United States of America. That story again, a man who sustained massive brain damage thinks he’d make a good president and also Oscar De La Hoya: 

7. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” “Try waking up next to,” said Melania.

8. Over the weekend, Republican Senator Ben Sasse said that he thinks about leaving the Republican party “every morning.” But, what keeps him going is thinking about all the little children who rely on the federal government for healthcare and how badly he wants to take that away from them.

9. President Trump on Friday called on the Justice Department to investigate the New York Times after the news outlet published an anonymous op-ed critical of the president. He also asked the DOJ to investigate another publication because he has looked forever and he’s pretty sure Waldo not on this page:

10. Amazon said on Friday it plans to open the first checkout-free ‘Amazon Go’ grocery store in New York. “Way ahead of you,” said thieves in a Gristedes.

11. Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain, who committed suicide in June, was posthumously awarded his fifth Emmy Award on Sunday. That’s great, now someone needs to tell Tim Allen that’s how you get an Emmy.

12. The Jumbotron at George Washington University’s Charles E. Smith Center, which is used for the men’s and women’s basketball teams, collapsed onto the floor Tuesday. And even though the scoreboard was on the court, J.R. Smith still didn’t know how much time was left:

13. This week, while commenting on Hurricane Florence, President Trump said the storm is “tremendously big and tremendously wet.” Which coincidentally is how the Ritz Carlton Moscow described a king-sized mattress they are trying to sell.

14. Wednesday night, the Seattle Storm defeated the Washington Mystics to take home their third WNBA title. Or, did I just made up those two teams? Hell, maybe the WNBA season doesn’t even start until December, there really is no way of knowing.

15. After former President Obama delivered a speech last Friday criticizing the President, Donald Trump said that he tried to watch the speech but fell asleep, adding, quote, “I found he’s very good, very good for sleeping.” “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said Secretary of HUD Ben Carson packing his bags.

16. A man in New York won $10 million after buying a lottery ticket and a Slim Jim for his dog at a convenance store. “Uh-oh,” said the guy when he went to turn in the winning ticket:

17. Scott Frantz, an intern for Texas Senator Ted Cruz was arrested on Monday after Capitol Police found shotgun shells in the back of his vehicle. It’s going to be really hard for Frantz to get another job with that on his record, ‘that’ being worked for Ted Cruz.

18. President Trump on Thursday disputed Puerto Rico’s official death toll of 3,000 from hurricanes last year, accusing Democrats of inflating the figure. Although, in Trump’s defense, I’m guessing a lot of people have faked their own deaths to get away from him.

August 10, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In her upcoming ‘tell-all’ book, former presidential aide Omarosa Manigault Newman claims that while working in the White House President Trump showed signs of mental decline. The number one sign of Trump’s mental decline, hiring Omarosa Manigault Newman to work in the White House.

2. A 12-year-old Chinese girl who went missing from a tour group at an airport outside Washington D.C., sparking an investigation into a possible kidnapping, was located Friday in the New York City. Although, she’s not out of the woods yet:

3. ‘The New York Times’ recently published an article claiming that face tattoos are becoming more mainstream. Yeah, I’d say so:

4. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. Marking the first time anyone has every gone into a McDonald’s and come out with a smaller stomach and weighing less.

5. A pregnant woman in Canada ordered a latte at McDonald’s and received a cup of cleaning fluid instead. That’s very hard to believe, I’ve been to my share of McDonald’s and there’s no way anyone was cleaning any of those.

6. According to ‘Axios,’ President Trump is always on the phone during his working vacations at his golf club in New Jersey and his staff often has no idea who he’s talking to. Although it’s usually Grover or Big Bird:

7. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. It’s a significantly better use of the man’s horses than his previous business venture, Amish Tinder:

8. An Amish man in Michigan recently started a horse-and-buggy ride-sharing service he’s calling Amish Uber. And no matter the length of your trip, the estimated arrival time is always 1874.

9. Paul Manafort’s longtime deputy Rick Gates admitted in court Tuesday to having an extramarital affair a decade ago. Even crazier, he was just answering the question “Do you promise to tell the whole truth?”

10. Tuesday, August 7th, was Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s birthday. And some people were so excited about it that they couldn’t want until Tuesday to give him a present:

11. First Lady Melania Trump is looking for volunteers to help decorate the White House for Christmas. In fact Melania is looking for volunteers for a lot of positions including decorator, assistant, and First Lady.

12. Richard Jarecki, a doctor by profession, who became famous by finding slight biases in roulette wheels to earn millions, died on Wednesday at the age of 86. “Always bet on black,” said this guy:

13. On Sunday, rapper the Game got into a fist-fight with his one teammate during a California rec league basketball game. “Wait, I didn’t know that was an option,” said LeBron:

14. President Trump’s administration on Thursday announced an ambitious plan to usher in the “Space Force” as the sixth branch of the military by 2020. Trump said the Space Force’s first mission will be to find that planet from Star Trek where the women have three breasts.

15. This week, car-maker Ford made it’s millionth Ford Mustang. That story again, 40-year-old men continue to have mid-life crises.

16. In a recent interview, actor Seth Rogen revealed that he has worked out with Kanye West on multiple occasions. That very weird and hard-to-believe story again, Seth Rogen has worked out.

17. President Trump’s in-laws are officially United States citizens, obtaining their citizenship through the sponsorship of their adult daughter, one of the very categories of family visas that the administration has sought to end. Said the Trump administration, “Okay, starting now.”

18. On Thursday, while cycling in Colorado, Lance Armstrong crashed his bike and was forced to go to the hospital. Oh no, is the bike okay?

19. China has banned screenings of Disney’s “Christopher Robin,” a movie featuring Winnie the Pooh. So if the children of China want to see Winnie the Pooh, they’ll just have to keep making those dolls:

20. According to a new study, handing kids plates with pictures of fruits and vegetables may nudge them to serve themselves and eat more of these foods. That story again, kids are stupid.

21. President Trump acknowledged on Sunday that his son met with Russians in 2016 at Trump Tower to get dirt on Hillary Clinton. Although Trump was unable to remember specific details, like his son’s the name.

22. Over the weekend, Russia appointed actor Steven Seagal as a “special representative” on US-Russian humanitarian ties. And there’s nothing more humanitarian that Russia can do than taking Seagal off our hands.

July 6, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal with the Los Angeles Lakers. That story again, John Travolta no longer has the worst hairline in Hollywood:

2. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal to become a Los Angeles Laker. “When did LeBron leave?” asked J.R. Smith seven months from now.

3. Bad news for the city of Cleveland, on Sunday NBA All Star LeBron James announced that he is leaving Cleveland for Los Angeles. And, in even worse news for Cleveland, the Browns announced they are staying.

4. The Moscow zoo has named a new-born eagle after Igor Akinfeev, the star goalkeeper who helped Russia beat Spain and advance to the World Cup quarter-finals. Which means there’s a fifty percent chance that next week’s headline, after Russia’s inevitable loss, of “Igor Akinfeev fed to the lions” will be referring to the bird.

5. On Friday, Comcast, which owns NBC, suffered a massive outage, leaving many customers nationwide without television. The last time NBC caused that many TVs to be shut off, they were airing ‘Marlon’:

6. A draft of a bill from the Trump administration proposed having the U.S. abandon key World Trade Organization principles. And, just to make sure Trump continues to ignore the WTO, they have renamed it Eric.

7. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. “I’m so excited to finally be able to write cleaner, more wholesome subtitles,” said the guy who used to write subtitles for Access Hollywood:

8. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. Yeah, deaf or heard-of-hearing:

9. Weeks after ABC fired her for racist tweets, Roseanne Barr said she’s been fielding “many” TV offers. For instance, Time Warner offered to give her the first two months of cable for free.

10. U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents seized 108 counterfeit Super Bowl rings that were shipped into the country in June. Authorities became suspicious when they saw Mark Sanchez sporting a Super Bowl ring:

11. In a recent interview, actor Guy Pearce called fellow actor Kevin Spacey “handsy.” Which is like calling Bill Cosby a “mixologist.”

12. Walmart faced an outcry from Trump supporters on Tuesday for selling shirts bearing the slogan “Impeach 45.” No word on whether the supporters were upset with the slogan or the fact that the shirt had sleeves:

13. The captain of the Nigerian men’s national soccer team played a key World Cup match last week just hours after learning that his father had been kidnapped. “You think that’s bad, I play every game knowing that my dad is in the stands,” said Lonzo Ball:

14. This week, Michael Avenatti, the lawyer representing adult film actress Stormy Daniels, floated the possibility that he might run for president in 2020. You’d think a guy who represents porn stars would be more familiar with the idea of being over-exposed.

15. On Wednesday, Michael Cohen deleted “personal attorney to President Donald J. Trump” from his Twitter profile. Said President Trump, “You can delete things from Twitter!?!?!”:

16. The Korea Football Association has decided not to pursue charges against people who threw eggs at the national team after they arrived home from the World Cup. The South Korean soccer team said the incident was “disgraceful,” while the North Korean soccer team said “FREE EGGS!!!!”.

17. While giving a rally speech in Montana on Thursday, President Trump said he looked up into “their beautiful sky.” Which can only mean one thing, there must have been a solar eclipse in Montana on Thursday:

18. EPA chief Scott Pruitt resigned on Thursday under heavy fire for a series of ethics-related controversies. Pruitt knew it was finally time to leave and then stayed another ten months.

19. According to a new study, seeing the same doctor over the years helps people live longer. Counterpoint, Dr. Conrad Murray:

20. Last week, comedian Stuttering John Melendez, known for having a very pronounce speech impediment, prank called the White House and was put through to the President. Begging the question, how did he even understand a single thing that guy was saying, also, it probably wasn’t easy listening to the guy with the stutter either.

June 1, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, a in bar Portland, Oregon held a “Reparations Happy Hour,” in which people of color had drinks and white people picked up the tab. That crazy story again, there are black people in Portland, Oregon.

2. According to reports, a Russian oligarch with links to the Kremlin met Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen at Trump Tower in New York City less than two weeks before Trump’s inauguration as president. Which means we are a few weeks away from Trump saying he’s never even heard of Trump Tower.

3. Republican Representative Diane Black of Tennessee recently cited pornography as a contributing factor to gun violence in schools. Begging the question, what kind of porn is Republican Representative Diane Back of Tennessee watching?

4. AT&T and Verizon announced this week they will start selling a holographic smartphone that will feature a ‘holographic’ display, that projects 3D images. And you thought the eggplant emoji made you uncomfortable before.

5. In a recent interview, President Trump said that NFL players who kneel during the anthem shouldn’t be playing. Also, some that stand:

6. On Tuesday, Utah Senate candidate Mitt Romney said he would not point to President Trump as a role model for his grandchildren. Said Romney, “There’s not much they can learn from Trump, they already throw tantrums and have tiny little hands.”

7. Netflix announced that Jennifer Aniston will portray the first female, and first gay, U.S. president in a comedy film for the streaming service. “Now that’s a woman president I can get behind!” said Bill Clinton.

8. President Trump and his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted on Wednesday that they were owed an apology from ABC for airing derogatory comments about the administration. “Get in line,” said everyone who saw an episode of “Cavemen”:

9. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. Said President Trump, “I get blaming a drug when you make a mistake, I wrote a very stern letter to Viagra after the birth of Eric.”

10. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. It’s easy to confuse racist for tired, look at all these sleepy people in their pajamas ready for bed:

11. On Wednesday, Trump publicly touted the importance of physical fitness during a Sports and Fitness Day event on the White House South Lawn. Unfortunately Trump only got threw two minutes of his prepared remarks before he became too winded by standing and talking at the same time to finish.

12. According to ‘Bloomberg,’ Billionaire Warren Buffett had proposed to invest $3 billion in Uber earlier this year, but the talks failed. Uber kept telling Buffett they were three minutes away from a deal, but they kept saying they were only three minutes away for over an hour.

13. On Wednesday, Kim Kardashian went to the White House and met with senior advisor to the president, Jared Kushner. “What’s it like to have a job where you don’t do anything?” said both of them to each other.

14. Delaware will begin offering Las Vegas-style sports betting at its three casinos on Tuesday, becoming the first state to open for business since the recent Supreme Court ruling. And I bet a lot of degenerate gamblers live in Delaware because they’re notoriously bad at making decisions.

May 11, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. This year, a 132-pound ovarian tumor was removed from a 38-year-old Connecticut woman. Not to be outdone, this woman got rid of a 230-pound tumor this year:

2. Film producer Harvey Weinstein is fighting back against insurer Chubb, saying they must pay for his legal defense against 11 lawsuits that accuse him of sexually harassment. But much like every robe Weinstein has ever owned, Chubb said there’s no way they can possibly cover it all.

3. After President Trump announced the U.S. withdrawal from the Iran nuclear deal this week, the Supreme Leader of Iran said, Trump, “will turn to dust and his body will become food for snakes and ants.” “Man, that’s a pretty harsh sentence,” said snakes and ants.

4. According to a new study, Hispanic drivers are at twice the risk of falling asleep at the wheel compared to white drivers. Begging the question, is the ‘J’ in Billy Joel silent?

5. Over the weekend, the original manuscript for Alcoholics Anonymous was sold to an NFL team owner for $2.4 million. That’s not surprising, you’d have to be pretty drunk to buy the Cleveland Browns.

6. A Colorado woman has been charged with destruction of property after she allegedly blew up microwave in a 7/11 store while trying to heat up a container of urine before a drug test. Said the store owner, “If you like warm piss, we have some unrefrigerated Mountain Dew in the back.”

7. In Utah, a couple gardening in their yard fund the skeleton of a 16,000 year old horse. And I’m not sure who I feel worse for, the long-dead horse or the guy forced garden with his wife.

8. The governing body of world athletics has suspended five Russian race walkers from competition for training with a banned coach. So I stand corrected, being a competitive race walker is apparently not rock bottom.

9. Last week, during a tense NHL playoff hockey game, a Boston Bruin attempted to lick one of his opponents. “I’m okay with it, as along as those two aren’t married,” said DJ Khalid.

10. President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani said he feels pretty good about his recent media appearances because “everyone is reacting to us now.” “Agreed,” said a guy who pulled out his dick in a Starbucks.

11. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. But added, “If it’s not sunny out, I’ll settle for a lukewarm dog”:

12. Last week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that hotdog was his favorite meat. He also said he enjoys “partaking in American style foot ball and creamed ice.”

13. According to reports, people close to Senator John McCain have told the White House that he does not want President Trump to attend to his funeral. And, to rub it in even more, McCain wants his funeral to take place on the back nine of the Trump International Golf Course.

14. Last weekend, a Chipotle threw a burrito-themed baby shower for a couple who given birth to their child in the restaurant’s parking lot. “If they start celebrating every time someone ‘gives birth’ to a six-pound, seven ounce bundle, they’ll never get anything done around here,” said everyone waiting line to use the bathroom.

15. On Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence’s older brother, Greg Pence, won the Republican nomination for his congressional bid in Indiana. Two Pences on the prowl D.C., you know what that means, hide your ladies, no seriously they don’t like being around women.

16. According to a new poll, less than one in three Americans agrees with President Trump’s decision to pull the United States out of the Iran nuclear deal. While the other third, just heard ‘Trump’ and ‘pull out’ and immediately said yes:

17. On Wednesday, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un related three imprisoned American citizens into the custody of America. Adding, “Now Mr. Trump, you release your hostage”:

18. According to reports, President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President following the 2016 election to potential clients. “How much would fifteen minutes and a hug cost?” said Don Jr.

19. President Trump’s new attorney, Rudy Giuliani, told CNN on Thursday that Trump “wasn’t aware” his longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pitched his access to the President to potential clients following the 2016 election. Added Giuliani, “But if you give me $15,000, you can ask Trump that question yourself.”

20. According to a new study, fathers who exercise may have smarter babies. “That’s impressive, but according to my study, the cow goes ruff,” said Don Jr.

21. On Monday, billionaire investor Warren Buffett compared bitcoin to rat poison. “That’s ridiculous, I can’t feed bitcoin to my daughter,” said Casey Anthony.

22. Comedian Ken Jeong, who is a trained physician, stopped in the middle of a performance and attended to a fan in the crowd who was having a seizure. Said Carrot Top, “I cannot even imagine that, what’s it like to have a fan?”

March 23, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson ripped Colin Kaepernick’s “bad choice of attacking the flag.” And by that I assume Simpson means Kaepernick should have attacked the flag and a waiter.

2. Over the weekend, 100-year-old Orville Rogers set a world record for the fastest 60 meters race for a man over 100. He also set the record for ‘Youngest Orville.’

3. Denmark said Thursday it will build a 43.5 mile fence on its German border to keep out wild boars that carry a deadly infection. And, President Trump is such a bad negotiator, America is somehow paying for it.

4. Mall staple Claire’s has filed for bankruptcy. “Look, I did my part,” said this guy:

5. According to reports, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James once gained seven pounds during a playoff game. “I’ve never heard of such a thing,” said New York Knicks players, “what are these playoffs you speak of?”

6. A new poll found that a majority of Americans believe that the government is spying on them. Said Ivanka, “Especially when I taking a shower”:

7. Buffalo Bills wide receiver Zay Jones was arrested Monday night after he got into a fight with his brother, Cayleb, while naked. How embarrassing to be publicly identified as a Buffalo Bill.

8. This week, the last male northern white rhino died in Kenya leaving just two female members of the species. Said one female rhino to the other, “I guess we should learn how to play softball.”

9. According to reports, former top Trump aide Steve Bannon oversaw the controversial and possibly illegal collection of Facebook data by research company Cambridge Analytica. Which explains why the data was covered in the mustard stains and puss.

10. According to a polygraph report from 2011, Stormy Daniels was “truthful about having unprotected vaginal intercourse with Donald Trump in July 2006.” And I honestly can’t think of anything more irresponsible than having unprotected sex AFTER having Eric and Don Jr:

11. According to reports, Donald Trump Jr. had an affair with ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Aubrey O’Day in 2011. Which means O’Day did the previously unthinkable, she made appearing on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ the second most embarrassing Trump-related thing on her resume.

12. According to reports, Donald Trump Jr.’s wife Vanessa found out about her husband’s affair with ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Aubrey O’Day by going thought his phone while he was in the shower. “That doesn’t happen if you make them watch you take a shower,” said Harvey Weinstein.

13. This week, President Trump said he will get together with Russian President Vladimir Putin “in the not-too-distant future” to “discuss the arms race.” Presumably because he’s already lost the hands race:

14. On Wednesday, South Korean President Moon raised the possibility of three-way talks between North Korea, South Korea and the U.S. Said Trump, “I have the perfect U.S. representative for a three-way”:

15. On Thursday, The New York Giants traded defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, who lost a few fingers in a fireworks explosion, to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Pierre-Paul was so excited about the deal he gave it half a thumb up, which is his highest rating.

16. It was announced this week that actor Shia LeBouef will play his own father in a movie about him. It’s all part of LeBouef goal to make the most unwatchable movie ever.

17. White House Chief of Staff John Kelly assured aides to President Trump on Friday that no immediate personnel changes were in the works. “Define ‘immediate,’” said Bob Mueller.

18. Taco Bell is now selling a Strawberry Skittles Freeze slushie drink, made with real Skittles. It’s perfect for anyone who loves Skittles but always thought chewing was too much exercise.

November 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Saturday, President Trump said, despite what is widely reported, he doesn’t watch much TV because he’s too busy “reading documents.” And, to Trump’s credit, he’s almost found Waldo:

2. Last week, O.J. Simpson was thrown out of a hotel bar in Las Vegas for being too drunk and throwing a pair of glasses. “Ah, fuck,” said the waiter picked to return O.J.’s glasses to him.

3. According to reports, Mike Pence has formed a Vice President’s club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, who Pence routinely calls for advice. The first rule of Vice President’s club, don’t tell Al Gore about Vice President’s club.

4. On Wednesday, while speaking about embattled Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused of pursuing sexual relationships with teenagers, Ivanka Trump said, “There’s a special place in hell for people who prey on children.” Yeah, that place is called Alabama.

5. According to a new study, sex rarely causes heart attacks. But, it can cause PTSD:

6. On Monday, Amazon announced a ‘Lord of the Rings’ TV show. Which producers promise will address the problems diehard fans had with the movies, specifically, the Eye of Sauron will remain a metaohor, Fatty Bolger will play a bigger role and they won’t have to leave their parent’s basement to see it.

7. On Monday, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said he “does not follow” President Trump’s tweets. Hey, John, none of us can follow Trump’s tweets:

8. Scientists have discovered that chimpanzees can change how they communicated based on what their audience knows. Said one exhausted chimp, “Okay, let’s start over again. There are three branches in the federal government”:

9. Paralympic athlete and U.S. military veteran Rob Jones, who lost both his legs while serving in Afghanistan, is running 31 marathons in 31 days. Meanwhile, I stood up from my sofa too fast and got winded.

10. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Tuesday he “has no reason to doubt” the five women who have accused Senate candidate Roy Moore of sexual misconduct. Which can only mean one thing, none of those five women are black.

11. The Republican National Committee is withdrawing support for Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore after allegations surfaced that he had sexual contact with teenage girls decades ago. Said the RNC, “Hey, we were as surprised as you were to find out that we have standards.”

12. Sprint announced this week that they will offer their unlimited data plan customers free subscriptions to the streaming service Hulu. Not to be outdone, Blackberry will offer their customers their cousin Bill’s roommate’s Netflix password.

13. While in town to play the Knicks, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers were seen taking the New York City subway. That story again, the Cavs were subjected to the absolute worst experience that New York City has to offer, and then they took the subway.

14. This week, a dangerous psychiatric patient, who was accused of murder, escaped from a Hawaii hospital, cleared airport security and flew all the way to California before being caught. No word on whether he felt the urge to murder his fellow man before or after taking a six hour Southwest flight.

15. The Alabama Republican Party said on Thursday it supported embattled Senate candidate Roy Moore despite allegations of sexual misconduct. Their exact words were, “He’s still a white man, right?”

16. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been informed by other NFL owners via letter that he is engaging in “conduct detrimental to the league’s best interests.” A letter that they have also sent every week for the past nine years to the owner of the Browns.

17. According to reports, President Trump told a group of Democratic senators Tuesday that he’d be a “big loser” if the Republican tex bill was signed into law. And, also, if it wasn’t.