September 30, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. The National Security Agency’s internal watchdog detailed a dozen instances in the past decade in which its employees intentionally misused the agency’s surveillance power, in some cases to investigate love interests. Which begs the question, has the NSA never heard of Facebook?

2. The Sochi 2014 Winter Olympic torch was lit in ancient Greece over the weekend, whereupon it was immediately extinguished by Russian President Vladimir Putin because it was flaming.

3. A Saudi Arabian cleric defended the Islamic kingdom’s male-only driving rules by saying that women who drive increase the risk of bearing children with clinical problems. Which means Danica Patrick’s kids will fit right in with NASCAR fans.

4. A Saudi Arabian cleric defended the Islamic kingdom’s male-only driving rules by saying that women who drive risk damaging their ovaries. Adding, that they are always careful to avoid a woman’s ovaries when stoning them to death.

5. A Saudi Arabian cleric defended the Islamic kingdom’s male-only driving rules by saying that women who drive risk damaging their ovaries. Plus, that veil doesn’t really have a whole lot peripheral vision.

6. Authorities say they now know what may have caused a five-story building in Mumbai to collapse last week, a decorator who removed a central wall and supporting beams without permission. Although, in the decorator’s defense, it really opened up the space.

7. Last night marked the series finale of the critically acclaimed series “Breaking Bad.” So now we can all go back to forgetting what channel AMC is on our cable boxes.

8. Last night marked the series finale of the critically acclaimed series “Breaking Bad.” Which means in the future, if people are talking about braking bad, it will most likely have to do with the driving habits of Lindsay Lohan and/or Billy Joel.

9. On Sunday, it was reported that Henderson Alvarez of the Miami Marlins pitched a no-hitter against the Detroit Tigers. Unfortunately, since it was a Miami home game, we’ll never really know for sure, since no one was there to see it.

10. Yesterday, Major League baseball teams played their last meaningful regular season games as the regular season drew to a close. “Technically that’s correct,” said the New York Mets.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Bud Selig, the commission of Major League Baseball who oversaw the sport during its “steroid era,” will retire at the end of his current term in January 2015. Selig said he wants to spend more time turning a blind eye to his own family.

2. An Elvis impersonator from Mississippi falsely accused of sending ricin-tainted letters to President Obama, filed a defamation lawsuit on Wednesday against the man authorities now believe is the real perpetrator. Although, I’m not sure how one goes about defaming an Elvis impersonator from Mississippi.

3. More than 80 elephants in Zimbabwe have been found dead due to cyanide poisoning. Experts think the deaths are the work of poachers or a very charismatic elephant cult leader.

4. Former President George H.W. Bush and his wife, Barbara, were the official witnesses of a same-sex marriage between two women in Maine over the weekend. While former President Bill Clinton was the official witness for the honeymoon.

5. Yesterday, “Mad Men” star Jon Hamm revealed that he will undergo surgery to remove a polyp from his throat. So I guess that answers the question of who’s dating Catherine Zeta Jones now.

6. The NBA announced yesterday that it will allow the Miami Heat to wear jerseys during a game bearing their nicknames instead of their last names. LeBron is expected to go with the moniker “King James,” Dwyane Wade will go by “D-Wade” and Shane Battier will use his nickname of “One of the other guys.”

7. Arizona Cardinals safety Rashad Johnson said on Monday that he lost the top part of his left middle finger during Sunday’s loss to the New Orleans Saints. Luckily Johnson is right-handed, so the injury should not affect his ability to murder people in the offseason.

8. The childhood home of late grunge rocker Kurt Cobain has been put up for sale in Washington, at an asking price of $500,000. But the listing says that it is important for the sale to occur within the next few months, because any thing longer than that and Courtney Love will have squatter’s rights.

9. U.S. authorities have seized ice-cream waffle cones from a food storage facility in Virginia after inspectors found a widespread rodent and insect infestation on the premises. So maybe those weren’t sprinkles.

10. Yesterday, Swedish golfer Henrik Stenson won the Tour Championship, taking over the number one spot in the FedEx rankings and earning a $10 million payday. Stenson took the top ranking from Tiger Woods, but luckily Woods has ample experience losing millions of dollars to a blonde from Sweden.

September 27, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A spokesman for the U.K.’s Civil Aviation Authority said that the pilots of an Airbus A330, carrying 300 passengers, fell asleep while the plane was on autopilot en route to Britain. But, that’s gonna happen when the in-flight movie is “the Lone Ranger.”

2. Actress Sandra Bullock recently voiced her support for a new law that increase penalties for paparazzi harassing the children of celebrities. “Well, there goes my career,” said Jaden Smith.

3. On Thursday, McDonald’s said they would offer healthy options as part of its popular value meals, letting customers choose a side salad, fruit or vegetables instead of french fries. Said customers, “I’ve already decided to go to McDonald’s, what makes you think I’ll start making responsible decisions now?”

4. A website entitled 300sandwiches.com, which chronicles one woman’s quest to get her boyfriend to pop the question by making him 300 sandwiches, has garnered significant attention online recently. Blah, blah blah, something, something something, Chris Christie.

5. Bud Selig, the commission of Major League Baseball who oversaw the sport during its “steroid era,” will retire at the end of his current term in January 2015. Selig said he wants to spend more time turning a blind eye to his own family.

6. An Elvis impersonator from Mississippi falsely accused of sending ricin-tainted letters to President Obama, filed a defamation lawsuit on Wednesday against the man authorities now believe is the real perpetrator. Although, I’m not sure how you defame an Elvis impersonator from Mississippi.

7. In an interview earlier this week, former President Bill Clinton said that “over the long run” his daughter Chelsea would make a better president than his wife Hillary. To which Hillary replied, “Bring it, bitch.”

8. The new ABC drama “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” garnered 12.2 million viewers in its debut on Tuesday. Said one Marvel employee, “Hulk smash hit.”

9. A tech blogger in Oregon claims to have unlocked his new iPhone 5S using his genitals instead of his fingerprint. And you thought it was annoying when people talked on their cell phones in public before.

10. Hamilton College announced it’s holding an orgasm workshop for female students this Monday. The workshop was originally planned for last Monday, but had to be rescheduled because no one came.

September 26, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. More than 80 elephants in Zimbabwe have been found dead due to cyanide poisoning. Experts think the deaths are the work of poachers or a very charismatic elephant cult leader.

2. Matt Labrum, the head football coach at Union High School in Roosevelt, Utah, has suspended his entire football team amid reports of off-the-field problems. “So you’re saying they need a quarterback in Utah?” said Tim Tebow.

3. Skipper Jimmy Spithill and Oracle Team USA won sailing’s America’s Cup on Wednesday with one of the greatest comebacks in sports history. The historic victory will not soon be forgotten, mainly because for something to be forgotten it has to have been known about in the first place.

4. After spending 21 hours straight railing against funding Obamacare, Ted Cruz joined the other 99 senators in voting to move forward on a spending plan likely to do just that. Which makes his standing for 21 consecutive hours all the more impressive since apparently he has no backbone.

5. During Senator Ted Cruz’s 21-hour filibuster, Cruz killed time by reading excerpts from Dr. Suess’s “Green Eggs and Ham.” The other senators were like “this is ridiculous,” while Joe Biden was like “and then what happened?”

6. On Wednesday, a Samsung executive announced that the company plans to introduce a smartphone with a curved display screen. The phone is great for the person who loves new technology, but just wishes it would slip out of his hands and break more often.

7. Novak Djokovic, the world’s top-ranked tennis player, announced on Wednesday his engagement to longtime girlfriend, Jelena Ristic. Advantage, Ristic.

8. The childhood home of late grunge rocker Kurt Cobain has been put up for sale in Washington, at an asking price of $500,000. But the listing says that it is important that the sale occurs within the next two months, because any thing longer than that and Courtney Love will have squatter’s rights.

9. Former President George H.W. Bush and his wife, Barbara, were the official witnesses of a same-sex marriage between two women in Maine over the weekend. While former President Bill Clinton was the official witness for the honeymoon.

10. In a recent interview, singer Miley Cyrus said she will never “twerk” again. So that makes it exactly one thing we have in common.

September 25, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, twenty-one of Jim Henson’s puppets, including Cookie Monster and Miss Piggy, were donated to the Smithsonian. So if you want to see one of the puppets up close, head over to the museum or just go to any toy store anywhere.

2. Yesterday, the Obama administration defended its effort to regulate the tax reform preparation business for the first time in U.S. history, basing its case largely on a 19th century law dealing with horses lost or killed during the Civil War. “Well, if we’re resurrecting laws from the Civil War era…” said Paula Deen.

3. Wild pigs have descended on a suburban Atlanta neighborhood where they are scaring children, making a general nuisance of themselves and acting as if they own the place. “Told you so,” said the Jews.

4. Yesterday, “Mad Men” star Jon Hamm revealed that he will undergo surgery to remove a polyp from his throat. So I guess that answers the question of who’s dating Catherine Zeta Jones now.

5. Detroit Lions wide receiver Nate Burleson broke his arm in a one-car accident when he tried to protect a pizza that was in his passenger seat. Man, black people give their kids the craziest names.

6. The South China Morning Post reported on Tuesday that Facebook, Twitter and other websites deemed sensitive and blocked by the Chinese government will be accessible in a planned free-trade zone in Shanghai. Although, it’s cheating if the Chinese have the same 140 character per-tweet limit as us.

7. A new study suggests, men’s and women’s drinking habits could provide hints about their risk of being in a violent relationship. But maybe I wouldn’t drink so much if she used her head once-and-a-while.

8. A woman who sent her three-year-old son, named Jihad, to school in a shirt that read “Jihad, Born September 11, I am a bomb” was fined and given a suspended jail sentence by a French court last week. But, in the woman’s defense, if you have a better way to let strangers know she‘s a terrible parent and an all-around awful human being, I’d like to hear it.

9. A new study suggests, people with heart disease who are more upbeat and excited tend to live longer than those who don’t have such a positive outlook. “Well, there are always outliers,” said Dick Cheney.

10. The NBA announced yesterday that it will allow the Miami Heat to wear jerseys during a game bearing their nicknames instead of their last names. LeBron is expected to go with the moniker “King James,” Dwyane Wade will go by “D-Wade” and Shane Battier will use his nickname of “One of the other guys.”

September 24, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sunday night, after winning an Emmy, actor Michael Douglas took a shot at the prison system, questioning how his son, who has been held in solitary confinement at a federal prison on drug charges, was being treated. Two years in solitary confinement is a long time, but, on the plus-side, that means he didn’t have to sit through “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.”

2. The gold version of the new iPhone 5S is so popular that it is now on back order until mid-October at the earliest. So, until then, you will just have to come up with a less flashy way to get muggers’ attention.

3. Arizona Cardinals safety Rashad Johnson said on Monday that he lost the top part of his left middle finger during Sunday’s loss to the New Orleans Saints. Luckily Johnson is right-handed, so the injury should not affect his ability to murder people in the offseason.

4. A group of hackers in Germany say they have found a way to bypass the fingerprint-sensor security system on the new iPhone 5S. It involves a gun and speaking very loudly at the phone’s owner in German.

5. The producers of the upcoming “Atlas Shrugged: Part 3” movie have taken to Kickstarter in an attempt to crowd fund the production, proving that not even the producers of “Atlas Shrugged” have read “Atlas Shrugged.”

6. Swaziland, the country hardest hit by HIV/AIDS, has drastically reduced the rate and occurrence of the disease in the country over the past five years. The biggest factor contributing to the reduction, death.

7. According to a new study, during their child’s first two months of life, most new mothers have concerns about breastfeeding that make them consider giving up and switching to formula. Concerns like “Am I doing this right?” and “Do I really want this kid?”

8. According to a new study, sharing the bed with baby may make it easier for mothers to breastfeed for the full time recommended by health experts. This study contradicts the study conducted by married men that found that sleeping in the same bed as their wives did not increase their access to her breasts.

9. A report issued by the United Nations found the global rate of HIV infection and AIDS-related deaths have been dramatically reduced thanks to expanding access to treatment, a decrease in the use of intravenous drugs and Paris Hilton’s recent vow of celibacy.

10. A male gorilla in the Dallas Zoo will be sent to South Carolina for therapy after he bit one female gorilla and sneered at others. But it’s not all bad news for the gorilla, he’s been ask to collaborate with Chris Brown on his next album.

11. A male gorilla in the Dallas Zoo will be sent to South Carolina for therapy after he bit one female gorilla and sneered at others. But, in the gorilla’s defense, he is A WILD ANIMAL!!!!

12. Groupon failed to persuade a federal judge to dismiss a lawsuit accusing the daily deal provider of misleading investors about its financial prospects before it went public in November 2011. Of course the judge will be able to reconsider his decision since Groupon will continue to try to persuade him via an email every day for the rest of his life.

September 23, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Chancellor Angela Merkel won a landslide victory in a German election on Sunday, putting her within reach of the first absolute majority in parliament in half a century. And what could go wrong by giving one person absolute majority power in Germany?

2. U.S. authorities have seized ice-cream waffle cones from a food storage facility in Virginia after inspectors found a widespread rodent and insect infestation on the premises. So maybe those weren’t sprinkles.

3. Yesterday, Swedish golfer Henrik Stenson won the Tour Championship, taking over the number one spot in the FedEx rankings and earning a $10 million payday. Stenson took the top ranking from Tiger Woods, but luckily Woods has ample experience losing millions of dollars to a blonde from Sweden.

4. China’s richest man, property developer Wang Jianlin, unveiled a planned $8.2 billion “motion-picture city” which is described as the biggest ever single investment in the movie and television industry. Although it seems like a bad investment since Jianlin refused to take my advice and make the city Godzilla-proof.

5. Pop singer Selena Gomez was forced to cancel two concerts in Russia after violating new visa rules which critics say are being used to keep out Western artists who promote gay rights. So Putin’s hard-line stance on gay rights does have some positives effects.

6. Pop singer Selena Gomez was forced to cancel two concerts in Russia after violating new visa rules which critics say are being used to keep out Western artists who promote gay rights. So enjoy Limp Bizkit, Russia.

7. A Venezuelan state agency on Friday ordered the temporary takeover of a factory that produces toilet paper in what it called an effort to ensure consistent supplies after embarrassing shortages earlier this year. So if you’re planning a trip to Venezuela any time soon, maybe go with the fist-bump instead of the handshake while there.

8. After going missing for over 75 years, the first U.S. film to warn about the dangers of Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime has been found in a Brussels archive. While the first U.S. film to glorify Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime is still locked away safely in Mel Gibson’s personal archive.

9. On Friday, New York City’s Department of Health and Mental Hygiene said that its new $316 million headquarters in the borough of Queens is infected with bed bugs. Despite that, it is still the cleanest thing in Queens.

10. Nike co-founder Phil Knight announced he was donating half a billion dollars to the Oregon Health & Science University’s cancer research institute. Which seems like a noble endeavor, but it should be noted that the mission of the institute is to give cancer to Nick Saban.

11. 83-year-old, billionaire investor George Soros wed for the third time over the weekend, this time to 42-year-old girlfriend Tamiko Bolton. Said Bolton, “And now it’s a waiting game.”

12. 83-year-old, billionaire investor George Soros wed for the third time over the weekend, this time to 42-year-old girlfriend Tamiko Bolton. I get the feeling that the cane Soros used to walk down the aisle wasn’t the only thing that was “iron-clad.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. In a wide-ranging interview published yesterday, when posed with the question “who are you?” Pope Francis replied, “I am a sinner.” Yeah, I know, you’re still wearing white after Labor Day.

2. Hiroshi Yamauchi, the man who built Nintendo from a small playing card company into a global video-gaming empire, died Thursday at the age of 85. Bummer, now he has to go all the way back to the beginning of that board.

3. A Hong Kong couple was jailed on Wednesday for abusing their Indonesian maid, who alleged the couple once dressed her in a diaper and tied her to a chair for five days while they went on vacation. Even worse, they brought her back a souvenir t-shirt that read “My employers went on vacation and all I got was horribly neglected.”

4. In a recent interview, a former mistress of Bill Clinton’s said that Hillary Clinton is bisexual. Bill Clinton refuted the allegations by saying, “If she’s bisexual, why’d she get so angry when I brought different women home?”

5. In a review of studies from 15 countries, complaints of headache, backache, abdominal pain, skin problems, sleeping problems or bed-wetting were more than twice as common among kids who were victims of bullying. But for the life of me, I don’t know why the acne-covered, insomniac who smells of pee keeps getting picked on.

6. Yesterday, Barcelona soccer club signed nine-year-old Swedish soccer prodigy, Zico Marecaldi, Jr. “GGGGGOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!!” said Jerry Sandusky.

7. No longer topical joke: During MTV’s Video Music Awards, singer Miley Cyrus caused an uproar by simulating sex on stage with singer Robin Thicke. As a result of his hit song “Blurred Lines,” Thicke has been touring the country extensively, so this marks the second time this year he’s been in Montana.

8. According to Page Six of the New York Post, LeBron James and longtime girlfriend Savannah Brinson tied the knot during a three-day affair over the weekend. James invited all his teammates, but like in most games, it took Chris Bosh two hours to show up.

9. On Monday, Pop singer Pink was named Billboard’s Woman of the Year. You can read about it in next month’s issue of Billboard or just wait to hear all about it in Taylor Swift’s next song.

10. Fans of “Breaking Bad” snapped up memorabilia from the hit TV series on Saturday at a New Mexico thrift store, where items sold out in less than two hours. Said one fan, who snatched up a prop baggie of Heisenberg’s infamous blue meth, “What’s Breaking Bad?”

September 20, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a wide-ranging interview published yesterday, when posed with the question “who are you?” Pope Francis replied, “I am a sinner.” Yeah, I know, you’re still wearing white after Labor Day.

2. In a wide-ranging interview published yesterday, when posed with the question “who are you?” Pope Francis replied, “I am a sinner.” Then added, “I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m a midnight toker, but my friends call me Maurice.”

3. Pope Francis said the Catholic Church should not allow its ban on gay marriage, abortion and contraception to dominate its teachings, but must be a Church where priests are understanding and not cold Bureaucrats. “Was I not clear on the instructions when you got this job?” said God.

4. Hiroshi Yamauchi, the man who built Nintendo from a small playing card company into a global video-gaming empire, died Thursday at the age of 85. Bummer, now he has to go all the way back to the beginning of that board.

5. On the heels of its highest rated season to-date, the cast of “The Big Bang Theory” are reportedly asking for raises from CBS and series creator Chuck Lorre. “Word of advice, don’t call him Chaim Levine, he hates that,” said Charlie Sheen.

6. According to Forbes magazine, singer Beyonce and rapper Jay-Z are the highest paid celebrity couple for the second consecutive year, with estimated earnings of $95 million. Said Beyonce, “Lucky for us, Stedman’s not a celebrity.”

7. Russian President Vladimir Putin rallied behind his old friend Silvio Berlusconi on Thursday, saying the former Italian prime minister would not have faced trial for having sex with a minor if he were gay. Especially in Russia, since they bypass the whole trial thing and just send you to jail.

8. A Hong Kong couple was jailed on Wednesday for abusing their Indonesian maid, who alleged the couple once dressed her in a diaper and tied her to a chair for five days while they went on vacation. Even worse, they brought her back a souvenir t-shirt that read “My employers went on vacation and all I got was horribly neglected.”

9. Authorities in the New York town of Shirley found 850 snakes in the home of an animal control officer suspected of dealing reptiles. “Can you believe the deal we got?” said the next owners of that house.

10. In a recent interview, a former mistress of Bill Clinton’s said that Hillary Clinton is bisexual. Bill Clinton refuted the allegations by saying, “If she’s bisexual, why’d she get so angry when I brought different women home?”

September 19, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has asked customers to refrain from bringing guns into Starbucks stores. But, not to worry, people will still be allowed to drop bombs in their bathrooms.

2. The City College of Dongguan University of Technology in China is requiring all 5,000 incoming freshman to sign an agreement absolving the school of any responsibility if the student were to commit suicide. Who says college doesn’t prepare kids for the real world? Have fun working at the Apple plant.

3. Earlier this week, Britney Spears announced she will do a two-year residency at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. So now we finally have a good answer to the question, “What planet is Britney living on?”

4. In a review of studies from 15 countries, complaints of headache, backache, abdominal pain, skin problems, sleeping problems or bed-wetting were more than twice as common among kids who were victims of bullying. But for the life of me, I don’t know why the acne-covered, insomniac who smells of pee keeps getting picked on.

5. Researchers have found that holy water at religious shrines and churches in Austria is often contaminated with fecal matter and bacteria. But, if you have a better way of curing my hemorrhoids, I’d love to hear it.

6. Former New England Patriot wide receiver and current free agent, Brandon Lloyd, will be making his acting debut in the upcoming, straight-to-DVD zombie movie “After Effect.” Although not a trained actor, Lloyd has had ample practice pretending to be dead so that former teammate Aaron Hernandez wouldn’t try to kill him.

7. Apple has released a new software update for its iPhone which includes the option of giving Siri a male’s voice. Unfortunately, the update does not fix the bugs associated with Google Maps, but at least now you can have a male Siri knowingly give you wrong directions in a very confident voice.

8. Scientists have identified a gene which they say may have the ability to prevent HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, from spreading after it enters the body. Coincidentally, the same gene is also tied to increased athletic skills, but an inability to host a talk show.

9. Australian rugby player Anthony Watts has denied biting an opponent’s penis during a tackle in a game earlier this month. Rugby experts describe Watts’ style of play as a mix between Mike Tyson and Monica Lewinsky.

10. A New Jersey fisherman who saved nearly $12,000 in cash for an engagement ring lost it all when it flew out of his backpack while he was riding a motorcycle. But it’s probably a good thing that the future wife of a fisherman who rides a motorcycle and still wears a backpack gets used to disappointment.