10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. ESPN said on Wednesday that it regrets a report that detailed the showering habits of openly gay St. Louis Rams rookie Michael Sam. Said Sam’s teammates, “It’s not a big deal. You have to remember we’re all professional football players, we’re used to this sort of thing, we’ve been to jail.”

2. According to a new survey, one out of every three Mexicans would immigrate to the U.S. if given the opportunity. While the other two are already here.

3. Zookeepers in China suspect a giant panda faked her pregnancy to get preferential treatment. “Wish I had thought of that first,” said Casey Anthony.

4. Under a bill passed by lawmakers on Wednesday, death certificates in California would be changed to reflect the gender identity of people at the time of their death rather than their sex at birth. Said one California coroner, “That’s fine, but just know the moment Bruce Jenner dies, I quit.”

5. A Texas couple has filed a lawsuit against the owners of a Fort Worth-area day care center for duct-taping their 2-year-old son to a mat because he was unruly at nap time. Said the day care center, “Why can’t you guys just be cool about this like Mat’s parents?”

6. After moving up a month and switching to a weekday evening, Monday’s Primetime Emmy Awards drew 15.6 million viewers, a decrease of 2 million from last year’s telecast. Critics attribute the drop to the cast of “Game of Thrones” being at the ceremony in person this year.

7. According to a poll of more than 100 current professional football players, the Oakland Raiders are the least desirable team to play for in the NFL. This replaces last year’s least desirable squad, whichever team Aaron Hernandez was playing on.

8. An 8-year-old Cuban boy who likes to dress up as Fidel Castro got to meet his idol after Cuba’s 88-year-old retired leader invited him to his Havana home. Said the boy, “If I had known that the person I emulated would invite me into their home, I would have dressed up like an American.”

9. A new cursive handwriting standard will go into effect for children in schools throughout the state of Tennessee this year. Or, as it is known in Tennessee, “dem curly letters.”

10. Amid growing concerns over food safety issues in China, a Chinese retailer is offering insurance to customers who buy infant milk powder. The most common answer given as to why customers declined the insurance is “I have a daughter.”

August 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie secretly got married over the weekend in France. Reportedly, for their “something borrowed” they adopted another kid.

2. On Thursday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the league has established a six-game suspension for all incidents of domestic violence, with a second violation triggering a lifetime ban. “Well, there goes my comeback,” said O.J.

3. A 1962-63 Ferrari GTO Berlinetta was sold in California on Thursday for $38,000,000. The transaction set two records, the most money every paid for a car at auction and smallest penis.

4. The California State Senate gave final legislative approval on Thursday to a bill that would require certain replica guns to be painted bright colors or made transparent to prevent police from confusing toy guns for real weapons. “That must be what he had, one of those transparent, invisible guns,” said Ferguson police.

5. A suggestion by Singapore’s public housing authority that owners of noisy dogs consider “debarking” their pets, which involves removing a section of the dog’s vocal cord, to avoid inconveniencing neighbors has been met with ire. Said one local dog lovers’ group, “It’s inhumane to remove a dog’s vocal cord, that’s the tastiest part.”

6. Rapper and former Fugees member Pras is headed to North Korea today to watch a wrestling match hosted by a Japanese politician. Pras is very popular in North Korea, or, as they call him there, Dennis Rodman.

7. ESPN said on Wednesday that it regrets a report that detailed the showering habits of openly gay St. Louis Rams rookie Michael Sam. Said Sam’s teammates, “It’s not a big deal. You have to remember we’re all professional football players, we’re used to this sort of thing, we’ve been to jail.”

8. On Tuesday, the White House announced that 151 years after his service in the Civil War, 1st Lt. Alonzo H. Cushing will receive the Medal of Honor posthumously. This selection sets two records, longest period of time between service and recognition and shortest acceptance speech.

9. According to a recent poll taken in Iowa, Mitt Romney is the current front runner for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2016. Political experts stress that the results of this poll should be taken with a grain of salt as the people who took the poll also thought it would be a good idea to live in Iowa.

10. On Wednesday, NBA head coach Doc Rivers agreed to a five-year contract extension with the Los Angeles Clippers. Said Donald Sterling, “Well, at least he’s a doctor.”

11. The maker of the popular Grand Theft Auto video game said Lindsay Lohan’s lawsuit accusing it of basing a character on her without her permission is frivolous and an effort by the actress to attract attention. Said Lohan, “That’s only a half-truth, I also need money.”

12. Yesterday, Apple invited media to a “special event” on September 9, where the company is expected to unveil the latest version of its iPhone. Look Siri, it’s not you, it’s me.

13. Following more than a dozen injuries, Johnson & Johnson is recalling many of its jaw implants. Said Luis Saurez, “I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m just an asshole.”

14. Two Australian farmers say that they have found the world’s wooliest sheep, whose estimated 55 pound coat would shatter the world record. Or maybe it’s just a really sly, fat wolf.

15. More than 1,000 people were pulled out of the water and off the beach Monday after a great white shark was spotted off the coast of Duxbury, Massachusetts. The evacuation took longer than expected because people were initially confused as to what a “wicked shack” was.

August 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, University of West Virginia starting quarterback Clint Trickett told reporters that Alabama head coach Nick Saban’s daughter, Kristen, was his first kiss when they were both 6-years-old. Nick Saban is understandably upset, but not as upset as West Virginia fans who believe a first kiss is supposed to be something special shared with someone within your immediate family.

2. According to a new survey, one out of every three Mexicans would immigrate to the U.S. if given the opportunity. While the other two are already here.

3. Zookeepers in China suspect a giant panda faked her pregnancy to get preferential treatment. Well, thats the last time I give up my seat on the subway to a pregnant panda bear.

4. Zookeepers in China suspect a giant panda faked her pregnancy to get preferential treatment. “Wish I had thought of that first,” said Casey Anthony.

5. According to an official statement released by the USC Athletics Department, senior cornerback Josh Shaw’s story that he injured both ankles by jumping off a balcony to save his nephew from drowning was a complete fabrication. Said Shaw, “Now comes the hard part, coming clean to my girlfriend, Lennay Kekua.”

6. A U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs officials on Wednesday defended a training guide provided to its Philadelphia office depicting veterans as Oscar the Grouch. Which may seem insensitive, but it’s pretty accurate, they both live on the streets and are missing their legs.

7. Under a bill passed by lawmakers on Wednesday, death certificates in California would be changed to reflect the gender identity of people at the time of their death rather than their sex at birth. Said one California coroner, “That’s fine, but just know the moment Bruce Jenner dies, I quit.”

8. A Texas couple has filed a lawsuit against the owners of a Fort Worth-area day care center for duct-taping their 2-year-old son to a mat because he was unruly at nap time. Said the day care center, “Why can’t you guys just be cool about this like Mat’s parents?”

9. A Florida company plans to build what it believes will be the biggest medical marijuana factory in the country, hoping the economy of scale will lower the cost of the drug. Although, it might be easier to just annex Jamaica.

10. A Florida company plans to build what it believes will be the biggest medical marijuana factory in the country. It will be called “Dizzy World.”

August 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. TV Guide is reporting that there may be a “Full House” reboot in the works with some of the original actors reprising their roles. “I’ll do it,” said Dave Couiler, Candance Cameron, Jodie Sweeten and the girl who played Kimmy Gibbler in unison.

2. Yesterday, Burger King announced that it has reached a deal to buy Canadian doughnut chain Tim Hortons and relocate its headquarters north of the border. As a result, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered all flags to fly at half-mast.

3. Former Virginia Governor Robert McDonnell said on Tuesday a federal prosecutor was “completely off base” to suggest that he had provided help to a dietary supplement businessman in exchange for loans. Adding, “I never intended to pay those back.”

4. Chicago health officials monitored complaints on Twitter to locate the cause of a food poisoning outbreak and charge that restaurant with a violation. Officials were easily able to locate the diners using the hashtag #ThrowUpThursdays.

5. After moving up a month and switching to a weekday evening, Monday’s Primetime Emmy Awards drew 15.6 million viewers, a decrease of 2 million from last year’s telecast. Critics attribute the drop to the cast of “Game of Thrones” being at the ceremony in person this year.

6. The owners of the rights of the famed pornographic film “Deep Throat” have lost a lawsuit accusing the producers of the 2013 biopic “Lovelace” of copyright infringement. The victory was a surprise to many legal experts who expected a hung jury.

7. A brewery in Austin has started selling 99-packs of beer for $99. It’s perfect for the beer-lover who has given up on having a six-pack.

8. According to TMZ, Justin Bieber is being investigated for attempted battery, theft and robbery after trying to stealing a fan’s phone who was taking pictures of the singer and his ex-girlfriend Selena Gomez as they played games at a Dave & Busters. Because nothing says “I’m an adult” like throwing a temper tantrum at an arcade themed restaurant.

9. A New York City police union leader on Tuesday castigated Mayor Bill de Blasio saying the city has lost ground on the fight against crime since he took office in January. Said de Blasio, “What are you complaining about, that’s more job security for you.”

10. Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper said on Tuesday that he was responding to a hypothetical question when he raised the possibility of granting clemency to the state’s longest-serving death row inmate should he lose his re-election bid in November. That hypothetical question, “Are you a sore loser?”

August 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a poll of more than 100 current professional football players, the Oakland Raiders are the least desirable team to play for in the NFL. This replaces last year’s least desirable squad, whichever team Aaron Hernandez is playing on.

2. An 8-year-old Cuban boy who likes to dress up as Fidel Castro got to meet his idol after Cuba’s 88-year-old retired leader invited him to his Havana home. Said the boy, “If I had known that the person I emulated would invite me into their home, I would have dressed up like an American.”

3. Burger King is in merger talks with Canadian coffee chain Tim Hortons, a deal that would allow the burger chain to relocate north of the border. So if you thought Rob Ford was distracted before.

4. A prison riot turned deadly in a Brazilian city when rioters killed at least four fellow inmates. Said the guys in charge of administering the lethal injections, “Looks like my Thursday just cleared up.”

5. According to a new study, lesbians report having orgasms more often than heterosexual women. The study was conducted by asking Anne Heche some questions.

6. According to a new study, lesbians report having orgasms more often than heterosexual women. Or at least that’s what married men keep telling their wives when trying to talk them into a threesome.

7. On Monday, golfer Tiger Woods announced that he has split up with swing coach Sean Foley after a four-year partnership. Said Tiger, “Don’t worry ladies, I’m still swinging.”

8. A shooting occurred over the weekend at an MTV Pre-Video Music Awards party hosted by singer Chris Brown. Apparently, the “BYOB” on the invitation stood for “Bring Your Own Bullets.”

9. Detectives have a video that shows a man shooting rap mogul Suge Knight in a West Hollywood nightclub early Sunday morning. Well, they had a video, then Suge Knight hung them over a hotel balcony, now he has it.

10. According to a report by Moody’s, by 2020, thirteen countries will be “super-aged,” meaning that more than 20% of the population will be over 65. “Excellent, everything’s going according to plan,” said CBS.

August 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, the Washington Post announced that its editorial board will generally avoid using the word “Redskins” when referring to Washington’s football team. No word on whether the same rules will apply when the paper refers to John Boehner.

2. On Friday, the Washington Post announced that its editorial board will generally avoid using the word “Redskins” when referring to Washington’s football team, but will continue to use the word “insensitive asshole” when referring to Daniel Snyder, the team’s owner.

3. Hip-hop mogul Suge Knight was among three people shot and injured early Sunday morning at a nightclub in West Hollywood. Police have named hologram 2pac as a person of interest.

4. A new cursive handwriting standard will go into effect for children in schools throughout the state of Tennessee this year. Or, as it is known in Tennessee, “dem curly letters.”

5. A cat was rescued after being near death and trapped in a wall of an empty Utah house that was listed for sale. The cat thanked its rescuers by being completely indifferent to them.

6. Amid growing concerns over food safety issues in China, a Chinese retailer is offering insurance to customers who buy infant milk powder. The most common answer given as to why customers declined the insurance is “I have a daughter.”

7. Tests carried out on a man who died in Ireland after returning from an area of Africa hit hard by the Ebola virus were negative for the disease. The tests also determined the Irish man wasn’t dead, just really drunk.

8. According to a new German study, people with high-strew jobs were over 60% more likely to develop type 2 diabetes than unstressed workers. Begging the question, there are unstressed workers in Germany? Are their bosses not German?

9. An unmanned rocket ship designed by Elon Musk’s SpaceX overheated and self-destructed less than twenty seconds after launch over the weekend. Said Musk, “We we’re able to determine the problem and we’ll program the rocket to think about baseball during the next launch.”

10. A toddler was found sleeping in a parked car outside a Connecticut bar early Sunday morning, hours after police discovered her allegedly intoxicated mother sleeping inside the bar. But, in the mother’s defense the kid was her designated driver.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. After a three year battle with sinus cancer, yesterday, Hall of Fame Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly received a clean bill of health from his doctors. Said Kelly, “It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it and don’t have to rely on Scott Norwood for anything.”

2. According to sources, Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have ended their three year relationship. Just two cougars back on the prowl.

3. Online video personalities are joining together on the issue of net neutrality advocating for equal treatment of internet traffic. Said the advocates, “Picture two internet users, represented here by these two girls. And then picture the internet, represented here by this one cup…”

4. A federal judge has found that a hit 2010 song by pop star Shakira copied a Dominican songwriter’s work. The turning point in the trial came when Shakira’s hips took the stand, they just couldn’t lie.

5. According to a school spokesman, the University of New Mexico has opened an investigation into allegations of hazing in which female soccer players were made to strip down, drink alcohol to excess and sprayed with urine. Even worse, they were forced to watch female soccer matches.

6. Yesterday, Community Health Systems, one of the U.S.’s biggest hospital groups, said it was the victim of a cyber attack from China. Which would explain why my last fortune cookie knew about my rash and the lucky numbers were the digits of my social security number.

7. A new musical based on the life of Cuban-born singer Gloria Estefan will debut on Broadway next year. Or, for free, you can just go to the Bronx.

8. On Monday, an owl killed a canary after swooping into a 10th floor apartment in Idaho, according to the canary’s owner. Even worse, it was the canary’s first day of retirement after working 30 years in the coal mines.

9. According to a new study, dentists cannot agree as to the most effective way to brush one’s teeth. Four out of five dentists believe a constant, counter-clockwise motion is the best, while the fifth is British.

10. A new study suggests older adults are better able to ignore distractions and perform demanding cognitive tasks in the morning. So you’re telling me that’s the most lucid version of Willard Scott?

August 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Malaysian police have charged two people with the theft of $35,000 from the bank accounts of four passengers who went missing on Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Or, as CNN reported it, “Breaking News on the whereabouts of flight 370!”

2. After a three year battle with sinus cancer, yesterday, Hall of Fame Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly received a clean bill of health from his doctors. Said Kelly, “It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it and don’t have to rely on Scott Norwood for anything.”

3. Yesterday, one of the stars of the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team, goalie Tim Howard, announced that he will be taking a break from international competition until the end of 2015. The last time a goaltender took an extended break on a national stage was the Brazilian goaltender during the Germany game.

4. According to sources, Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp have ended their three year relationship. Just two cougars back on the prowl.

5. Gun maker Remington announced it is cutting 105 jobs from its workforce in New York. Said the fired employees, “Wait right here while I get something outta my car.”

6. Under a proposal announced Thursday, California will spend $3 million on lawyers for unaccompanied minors arriving in California from Central America. Or, for a few hundred bucks, you could a buy a bunch of one-way train tickets.

7. Former Virginia Governor Robert McDonnell testified on Thursday that he was no longer living with his wife, having moved out of his home and into a church more than a month ago. Said former President Bill Clinton, “A church? Amateur.”

8. U.S. Representative Paul Ryan told a Washington newspaper that he expects his Republican Party to avoid a U.S. government shutdown this year. But even the Mets are forced to lie about their expectations for the next season every April.

9. Scientists say that it’s okay to pee in the ocean because it won’t hurt the sea life. Although, if people find out, it may hurt your land life.

10. Hulk Hogan and David Hasselhoff are set to star in a movie together. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

11. Hulk Hogan and David Hasselhoff are set to star in a movie together. The movie will be shown at all local drive-out theaters.

12. A new study found fewer U.S. teenagers are using sunscreen, increasing their risk for skin cancer. After watching a few episodes of “Jersey Shore,” the same study found, maybe that’s for the best.

13. Actor Keanu Reeves is set to produce and star in an upcoming television series about an assassin who grapples with his own identity. For a second there I got really excited when I saw the words “Keanu Reeves” and “assassin” in the same sentence.

14. According to a report, between 2008 and 2011, 611 “tourists” came to Switzerland to take advantage of the country’s lenient doctor-assisted suicide laws. As opposed to all the other people who came to Switzerland during that period to die of boredom.

15. Siren, a new dating app created by women for women, puts the woman in control of the entire dating process, allowing her to decide who can see her profile, who can communicate with her and what type of date to go on. Or, as it is more commonly known, marriage.

16. California lawmakers sent a bill to ban the sterilization of inmates in California prisons to Governor Jerry Brown for his approval on Tuesday. Bob Barker is not gonna be happy about this.

17. In a recent internet Q&A, Microsoft engineers admitted they had, and currently are, thinking about re-naming their Internet Explorer web browser. The top candidate, “Click Here for Porn.”

18. On Monday, ketchup maker Heinz recalled some infant food in eastern China after it was found to contain lead in excess of the allowable limit. But, on the plus-side, magnetic babies.

August 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to newly released data, the median U.S. household income has been on the rise, climbing by 3.8% to $53,891 in June. “That’s great news,” said Americans, “Now I just need to get a household and an income.”

2. Two months after Dov Charney was fired as CEO of American Apparel, he’s still working at the company for his full salary as a consultant. Experts are calling this “disgusting” and “an abuse of power,” while Donald Sterling is calling is “inspiring.”

3. Under a bill passed on Wednesday, birth certificates in California would be changed to reflect families in which parents are of the same sex. Proving that California doesn’t fully understand how making a baby works.

4. Grocery chain Whole Foods will start selling rabbit meat. “That seems much easier,” said Elmer Fudd.

5. Online video personalities are joining together on the issue of net neutrality advocating for equal treatment of internet traffic. And when keyboard cat talks, you listen.

6. Online video personalities are joining together on the issue of net neutrality advocating for equal treatment of internet traffic. Said the advocates, “Picture two internet users, represented here by these two girls. And then picture the internet, represented here by this one cup…”

7. According to Forbes, the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL team for the eighth straight year despite the fact that they haven’t been the best at what they do for almost twenty years, are completely self-entitled, delusional and over-valued. Sounds like America’s Team to me.

8. A federal judge has found that a hit 2010 song by pop star Shakira copied a Dominican songwriter’s work. The turning point in the trial came when Shakira’s hips took the stand, they just couldn’t lie.

9. Actor Keanu Reeves is set to produce and star in an upcoming television series about an assassin who grapples with his own identity. No word on what Keanu will do next once that gets cancelled.

10. Actor Keanu Reeves is set to produce and star in an upcoming television series about an assassin who grapples with his own identity. But, to be fair, that’s just because Keanu keeps forgetting his character’s name.

August 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, surrounding yourself with beautiful things can make you feel happy. Which explains why everyone is so angry in New Jersey.

2. Siren, a new dating app created by women for women, puts the woman in control of the entire dating process, allowing her to decide who can see her profile, who can communicate with her and what type of date to go on. Experts say it is the most accurate description of what it’s like to be in an real relationship.

3. On Tuesday, Uber introduced a trial service offering on-demand delivery of medicine, toiletries and other drug store items. So now, not only can you order your one-night-stand a taxi home the next morning, but the cab can come stocked with Plan B.

4. As the protests continue in Ferguson, Missouri, over the police shooting of Michael Brown, shares of Taser companies have soared. “Sorry we missed out on this one,” said Skittles.

5. California lawmakers sent a bill to ban the sterilization of inmates in California prisons to Governor Jerry Brown for his approval on Tuesday. Said inmates, “I’m pretty sure no one’s getting pregnant the way we’re doing it.”

6. A Republican party staffer was arrested in New Hampshire yesterday after dressing in a chicken suit and allegedly ruining a parade that featured two Democratic politicians. A parade featuring two Democratic politicians? I’m pretty sure it was ruined before the chicken showed up.

7. According to a new study, people who walk, bike or take public transportation to work tend to be thinner than those who ride in their own cars. Which I can only assume means the person in charge of the study has never seen the people who frequent the G train.

8. According to a school spokesman, the University of New Mexico has opened an investigation into allegations of hazing in which female soccer players were made to strip down, drink alcohol to excess and sprayed with urine. Even worse, they were forced to watch female soccer matches.

9. A new musical based on the life of Cuban-born singer Gloria Estefan will debut on Broadway next year. Finally, a play that will draw in the elusive New York City dishwasher demographic.

10. According to the Wall Street Journal, Snapchat, a mobile app that lets users send messages that disappear within seconds, might expand to cover videos, news stories and advertisements. “What about browser histories?” said married men.