Monthly Archives: January 2013

January 31, 2013 – Monologue jokes

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1. A recent study determined the most common job for a woman is secretary, same as it was in 1950. So congratulations on all the progress women, now go type this up.

2. A recent study determined the most common job for a woman is secretary, same as it was in 1950, except now they can vote.

3. Lindsay Lohan’s new lawyer, Mark Heller, said of the actress “[she] is a great beauty with tremendous talent and I believe that all she really needs in life is a little bit of luck.” That’s right, Lohan’s attorney is going with the bullet-proof defense plan of “a little bit of luck.” Enjoy jail Lindsay.

4. In a recent interview with Piers Morgan, Joe Jackson addressed his history of physically disciplining his kids by saying, “I’m glad I was tough because look what I came out with. I came out with some kids that everybody loved all over the world.” But if you ask me LaToya could have used a few more beatings.

5. In a recent interview with Piers Morgan, Joe Jackson addressed his history of physically disciplining his kids by saying, “I’m glad I was tough.” When reached for comment, Michael Jackson said … oh wait, yeah nevermind.

6. This week Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, the man behind the Manti Te’o online hoax, sat down for an interview with Dr. Phil. Or did he?

7. This has been a big month for Team Oprah. This week Ronaiah Tuiasosopo was interviewed by Dr. Phil. Last week Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah. And don’t miss next week when O.J. sits down for a heart-to-heart with Stedman.

8. New Jersey Senator Robert Menedez addressed allegations of impropriety by issuing a statement denying any involvement with prostitutes, saying “she told me she was an escort. Oh wait, what? Same thing? Then yes, I banged a prostitute.”

9. Burglars in California targeted homes of L.A. Times subscribers who put a hold on the delivery of the newspaper while they were on vacation. In a press release, the L.A. County Sheriff’s Office said, “we are as shocked as anybody that people still have newspaper subscriptions.”

10. The first ever Barbie themed restaurant opened in Taiwan, because nothing says come on in and eat some eel noodles like an All-American blonde, who lives in a dreamhouse, has been fired from forty-seven different jobs and has a gay boyfriend.

January 30, 2013 – Monologue jokes

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1. Iran recently launched a monkey into space. Which explains Tuesday’s weather forecast in Iran: partly cloudy with a chance of monkey feces.

2. Iran recently launched a monkey into space. The monkey landed safely, but looked very disappointed once he realized he was still in Iran.

3. Former democratic presidential nominee John Kerry will take over for Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State during President Obama’s second term. This marks the second time someone had to take over for Hillary because she no longer wanted to do the job. Right Monica?

4. Former democratic presidential nominee John Kerry will take over for Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State during President Obama’s second term, which seems like an odd fit since Kerry isn’t a stone cold bitch.

5. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she looks forward to more adventures down the road as her term as Secretary of State comes to a close. When reached for comment, former President Bill Clinton said, “Wait, she’s coming home? Everyone wake up, you don’t gotta go home but you gotta get the hell out of here.”

6. In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Rihana said of her reconciliation with singer Chris Brown, “It’s different now. We don’t have those types of arguments anymore.” Adding, “It’s mainly body blows, he stays away from the face, just works the body.”

7. Lamborghini just unveiled a new car that costs $445,000. In a related story, for just $250,000 I will personally tell people you have a small penis.

8. Lamborghini just unveiled a new car that costs $445,000. No word on how small your penis will have to be to buy it.

9. Research in Motion, the company that makes Blackberry, is changing its name to Blackberry so as to better identify the company with the phone. Other names considered Dead Technology Corp., Dad’s Phone Co. and Not An I-Phone LLC.

10. Toyota is recalling over one million cars from the U.S., which is of some concern because Toyota is the world’s largest automaker. When asked for comment, President Obama said, “Can we bail them out too?”

Quick explanation

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So this website’s name is a nod to improviser/writer/actor Ben Schwartz and his hilarious “rejectedjokes” media empire (I may be over-selling that a bit). Needless to say, I’m a huge fan. Also, the story of how he got his start in the comedy business is very inspiring. I won’t go into all the details, but he was a freelance writer for the Late Show with David Letterman and SNL’s Weekend Update and would fax in monologue jokes (yes I said fax, that was not a mistake) each day hoping that at least one of his jokes would get on air. More-often-than-not his jokes would get rejected and instead of just wasting funny material he decided to film himself reading a handful of the rejected jokes and put them online, thus rejectedjokes.com was born. Since I’m an unoriginal bastard I thought, hey let me see if I can write funny monologue jokes, which will at the very least provide some amusement for myself. Unfortunately, I cannot submit these to any of the late night shows because they no longer take/read unsolicited jokes. These jokes were rejected the moment they were written, thus prejectedjokes.com. And if someone happens to be looking for rejectedjokes.com, mistypes, and accidentally stumbles upon prejectedjokes.com … well that would be a shame. The goal is to write ten monologue jokes a day, five days a week and post anything else I find amusing. That’s it, I’m done, enjoy.