January 31, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Brunhilde Pomsel, the private secretary of the Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels during World War II, has died at 106. War veteran John McCain called her “a mouth piece for evil,” while White House press secretary Sean Spicer called her, “an inspiration.”

2. A spokesperson for Angela Merkel said that during their recent telephone call, the German Chancellor had to explain the Geneva Convention to President Trump. A task that proved to be very difficult because over the phone Trump couldn’t see the sock puppets.

3. On Monday, President Trump accused Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer of crying “fake tears” when talking about the newly instituted travel ban. And, to his credit, Trump is an expert at spotting real tears since Melania wakes up screaming and crying every morning.

4. Richard Spencer, a leading white nationalist, said he was a “mentor” to Stephen Miller, one of President Trump’s closest advisors, while they were both at Duke University. Which means at least one thing, Miller doesn’t know how to take a punch:
spencer

5. According to reports, Megyn Kelly is being considered for a morning show on NBC, possibly bumping the third hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Tamron Hall and Al Roker. While the fourth hour of the “Today Show” hosted by Hoda and Kathie Lee will be replaced by party blower and a bottle of Vicodin:
today-show

6. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in the Netherlands in October. This year’s keynote speaker, as it has been every year, will be Ann Romney.

7. The 3rd International Congress on Love and Sex with Robots is set to be held in Eindehoven, Netherlands on October 26th. So, needless-to-say, the line at the breakfast buffet at the Eindhoven Holiday Inn to use the toaster is gonna be very long that day.

8. Under a new rule, goaltenders in the National Hockey League will soon have to wear pants with a more contoured fit. Critics blame the new rule on the rise of hipster goaltenders:
hockey-goal

9. A petition to prevent President Donald Trump from making an official visit to the United Kingdom was exceeded a million signatures. Even worse, when Trump counted, it was over 3 million signatures.

10. Ollie, a 25-pound bobcat escaped from the National Zoo in D.C. on Monday. Man, if only there were a professional pussy grabber around Washington to capture him.

January 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, hall of fame hockey player Chris Pronger checked singer Justin Bieber into boards during a celebrity hockey game. Begging the question, can you induct someone into the Hall of Fame twice?

2. President Donald Trump’s statement on Friday’s Holocaust Remembrance Day noticeably omitted any reference to Jews. Although, to be fair, Trump addresses every birthday card he has ever sent to Tiffany as “To Whom It May Concern.”

3. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said on Friday that it is not so easy to change President Trump’s mind on the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Begging the question, have you tried complimenting him?

4. The United Nations reaffirmed on Friday that torture is illegal and that refugees deserve protection. If that’s the case U.N., you’re really dropping the ball in one specific case:

5. British Prime Minister Theresa May said on Friday that Queen Elizabeth has invited President Trump for a state visit later this year and he has accepted. It will mark the first visit between the leader who was born with a silver spoon and never had to work a day in their life and the Queen.

6. According to a new study, people who wake more often during the night to use the bathroom are also more likely to slip and fall. “Not if you never leave your bed to do so,” said Trump.

7. On Sunday, President Trump held a screening of “Finding Dory” at the White House, which tells the tale of a young fish’s journey to be reunited with her parents. Although, if he was interested in that type of story yesterday, he could have just watched the news:
dulles

8. A woman used counterfeit credentials and impersonated a congressional spouse to attend a Republican retreat this week on the same day President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence met with lawmakers in Philadelphia. Authorities became suspicious when a woman openly admitted to being married to a Republican member of Congress.

9. A student at the University of Wisconsin-Madison founded a chapter of the American Freedom Party, a white nationalists organization, on campus. That story again, someone looked around Wisconsin and thought, this could be whiter.

10. According to a new study, alternative treatments like Chinese herbal medicine and a Korean topical cream may help men manage premature ejaculation. Unless, of course, you have an Asian fetish.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A man in Mexico is claiming that he has an 18-inch penis. His dick is so big, even when he’s in Mexico, his dick is in the U.S. illegally. His dick is so big, El Chapo was hiding behind it for three months. His dick is so big that donkeys buy tickets to see his show.

2. A busty contestant on France’s version of “Wheel of Fortune” suffered multiple wardrobe mishaps live on air. Not to be outdone, Alex Trebek whipped out his dong during Double Jeopardy:
trebek1

3. According to a new survey, couples on average spend only seven minutes of “romantic time” per day. Even worse, only two of those seven minutes are spent together.

4. According to “The New York Post,” the Clintons are already planning their political comeback. “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” said James Comey.

5. President Donald Trump’s press secretary Sean Spicer promised reporters on Monday that he would never intentionally lie to the press core. That story again, Donald Trump is in the market for a new press secretary.

6. President Trump is declaring the day of his inauguration a “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” Presumably because “Black Friday” was already taken.

7. Prime Minister Theresa May promised on Sunday to challenge any “unacceptable” talk when she meets President Donald Trump later this week. And she might have her work cut out for her since the meeting is scheduled to take place on the Access Hollywood bus.

8. According to reports, President Donald Trump has added gold couches to the White House Oval Office. Or, more likely, he let a few Russian hookers loose on some previously white couches.

9. McDonald’s announced that they are offering two new versions of their classic Big Mac. So, now the coroner will have to be more specific on cause of death.

10. Britain’s police watchdog is conducting an investigation after officers were filmed firing a stun-gun at their own black race relations adviser who they apparently mistook for a wanted suspect. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like that guy has pretty good job security.

January 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A court ruled that a South Korean temple can keep a Buddha statue stolen from Japan in 2012, on the grounds that Japanese pirates had stolen it from Korea centuries earlier. So, whatever you, don’t tell the Native Americans about this ruling.

2. Seven environmental activists who work for Greenpeace climbed a 300-foot crane in view of the White House and unfurled a banner with the word “RESIST.” And I am 100% on board, not because I agree with their actions, but because it means, at least for a brief period of time, there were seven less people on the sidewalk asking me if I “had a moment to talk about Greenpeace.”

3. An 80-year-old, elderly spiritual healer named Hava Celebic from Bosnia and Herzegovina, cures blindness by licking patients’ eyeballs. Afterwards, the patients can’t see, but the trick is they no longer want to.

4. An 80-year-old, elderly spiritual healer named Hava Celebic from Bosnia and Herzegovina, cures blindness by licking patients’ eyeballs. And, just like that, Republicans have a replacement for Obamacare.

5. A Virginia mother said a teacher at her son’s middle school asked African-American students to pretend to be slaves during a history lesson. Even worse, the history lesson was about World War II.

6. A Virginia mother said a teacher at her son’s middle school asked African-American students to pretend to be slaves during a history lesson. Although, I’m not sure what washing the teacher’s car had to do with history.

7. On Thursday, scientists moved the symbolic Doomsday Clock closer to midnight. And you can tell it’s really close to midnight because the carriage has already turned back into a pumpkin:
trump-tan

8. Yesterday, the Seattle Seahawks announced that assistant head coach Rocky Seto is leaving the team to enter the ministry. “What’s it like to still believe in God?” asked Browns fans.

9. President Donald Trump said that illegal immigrants brought to the United States as children, known as “dreamers,” should not be worried about deportation. Because it’s easier to catch them and throw them in the van if they’re not worried about it.

10. President Donald Trump could pay for a wall on the southern border with a new 20 percent tax on goods from Mexico, the White House said on Thursday. Which means, in the future, you’ll have to take out a second mortgage if you want guac at Chipotle.

11. Madonna denied on Wednesday that she was in Malawi to adopt two more children, saying her visit was strictly for her charity work in the African nation. Said Madonna, “Why? Was there a sale?”

12. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is considering writing another book. Although, from the looks of it, she may have writer’s block:
shining

13. A man in Mexico claims he has an 18-inch penis. Although, I’m pretty skeptical considering he just hired Sean Spicer as his spokesman.

14. A White House source said he is confident President Trump will not seek Kellyanne Conway’s advice often because, under the current layout, he would have to climb a flight of stairs to do so. Which explains why Melania always insists on the top bunk.

15. Scientists have discovered a group of 170 kids in Africa that they believe can’t get AIDs. “I’m always up for a challenge,” said Charlie Sheen.

16. According to reports, President Trump’s Press Secretary Sean Spicer chews and swallows 35 pieces of gum every day before noon. He does it to ensure that how he feels on the inside matches how he looks on the outside, disgusting.

17. Last week, an underwater cyclist set a new world record by traveling more than 2,800 feet on a stationary bike in one breath. The record set was the most times someone said “Why are we doing this again?”

18. A mother in West Virginia to suing to stop Bible classes from being taught in public schools statewide. That surprising story again, West Virginia schools have books.

19. According to reports, President Donald Trump has added gold couches to the White House Oval Office. And, I assume, a waterproof mattress to the Lincoln bedroom.

20. A California man had his two cars crushed by falling trees in two different cities on the same day. “You got off easy,” said Sonny Bono.

January 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Mexico is claiming that he has an 18-inch penis. His dick is so big, even when he’s in Mexico, his dick is in the U.S. illegally. His dick is so big, El Chapo was hiding behind it for three months. His dick is so big that donkeys buy tickets to see his show.

2. A busty contestant on France’s version of “Wheel of Fortune” suffered multiple wardrobe mishaps live on air. Not to be outdone, Alex Trebek whipped out his dong during Double Jeopardy:
trebek1

3. According to a new study, sex toys contain less dangerous chemicals than children’s toys. “Don’t you just mean ‘toys’?” said Woody Allen.

4. An inside source says that the plethora of negative media has prevented Donald Trump from “enjoying” his first few days in the White House. Well, at least he hides it well:
trump-unhappy

5. This week President Trump said that he is “to a large extent, an environmentalist.” In fact, he’s such a big fan of the environment that he models his look after the sun:
trump-tan

6. A security video shows a music store thief in Texas shove an entire guitar down his pants. He was able to do so because of his tiny piccolo.

7. According to a new study, climate change is making birds uglier. And they may have point because this is what Big Bird used to look like:
big-bird

8. According to a new survey, couples on average spend only seven minutes of “romantic time” per day. Even worse, only two of those seven minutes are spent together.

9. Singer Chrisette Michele says her family has cut ties with her after she performed at Donald Trump’s inauguration. Luckily for the band 3 Doors Down, their family members disowned them a long time ago.

10. On Wednesday, Trump Hotels announced plans to expand in the U.S. by tripling their locations. But you gotta be careful because the last Trump expansion led to Tiffany and Eric.

January 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Netflix announced that it is bringing back the makeover reality series “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” You can hear all about it in Mike Pence’s nightmares.

2. Over the weekend, a truck driver spilt 38,000 pounds of marbles over an Indianapolis highway. “And now we wait,” said Wily E. Coyote.

3. A White House source said he is confident President Trump will not seek Kellyanne Conway’s advice often because, under the current office layout, he would have to climb a flight of stairs to do so. Begging the question, can we make sure the nuclear codes are always a flight of stairs away from him?

4. Kellyanne Conway, a counselor to President Trump, said she didn’t understand why millions of people around the world attended protests Saturday. Well, maybe this will clear it up for you:
trump-eats-farts

5. A 21-year-old Malaysian man had to call firefighters to assist him on Friday after he got his dick stuck in a water bottle he was using to pee into and then cut himself with a metal saw while trying to free himself. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, what happened to that water bottle?” asked Trump.

6. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said he would meet with President Donald Trump later this week to discuss Trump’s Supreme Court pick, and the he expects the nominee to be highly qualified and a real conservative. Or, in other words, the exact opposite of Trump himself.

7. The producer of “Hamilton” has been sued by a blind theatergoer who claimed that the Broadway musical violates federal law by failing to offer services to help blind and visually impaired people enjoy the show. If they think that’s bad, wait til they hear who was playing Hamilton.

8. Authorities in the United Arab Emirates have opened an investigation into a visit by Kim Kardashian to a Dubai government children’s charity this month and suggested it undermined local values. Said Kim, “Oh, so you’re familiar with my work.”

9. The romantic musical “La La Land” became the movie to beat at the Academy Awards after earning 14 nominations on Tuesday. “Still no,” said your boyfriend.

10. According to reports, Vice President Mike Pence calls his wife Karen, “mother.” But, you know, in that non-creepy, Norman Bates kind of way.

January 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, sitting for more than 10 hours a day ages your body by eight years. And, in a related story, it turns out Stephen Hawking is only 25.

2. According to “The New York Post,” the Clintons are already planning their political comeback. “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” said James Comey.

3. Donald Trump took his first executive action as president on Monday morning, pulling the U.S. out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Because as Trump knows, not pulling out when you have the chance can lead to regrets:
Trump family attends ground breaking of new hotel in Washington

4. The Kremlin said on Monday it expected to agree upon a date for the first phone call between Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump very soon. But, until then, they’ll just have to settle for continuing to exchange dick pics.

5. President Donald Trump’s press secretary Sean Spicer promised reporters on Monday that he would never intentionally lie to the press core. That story again, Donald Trump is in the market for a new press secretary.

6. Attendees at last week’s Sundance Film Festival were able to use augmented reality headsets to pretend they were in a room with “Mad Men” star Jon Hamm. “No headset required, I’ve been doing that for years,” said your wife.

7. President Trump is declaring the day of his inauguration a “National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” Presumably because “Black Friday” was already taken.

8. The White House said on Monday it plans to establish four “Skype seats” for its regular media briefings to allow news organizations outside of Washington to participate. And, I have to admit, it was kinda weird that they made that announcement in Russian.

9. According to a new study, half of U.S. men are infected with HPV. “Just add it to the list,” said Charlie Sheen.

10. A German company has launched a line of anti-sexual assault women’s underwear called ‘Safe Shorts’ that feature a combination lock and a loud alarm system. “One step ahead of you,” said Cosby: mission-impossible

January 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Prime Minister Theresa May promised on Sunday to challenge any “unacceptable” talk when she meets President Donald Trump later this week. And she might have her work cut out for her since the meeting is scheduled to take place on the Access Hollywood bus.

2. Political rival Hillary Clinton said she attended President Donald Trump inauguration on Friday to “honor democracy.” Because what better way to honor democracy than to attend it’s funeral.

3. President Donald Trump’s speech on Friday marked the first time the words “bleed,” “carnage,” “tombstones” and “sad” were ever used in an inauguration speech. And, hopefully, it also marked the last time the words “Donald,” “J,” and “Trump” were ever used in an inauguration speech.

4. Former President George H.W. Bush, who has spent nearly a week at a Houston hospital where he is being treated for pneumonia, watched the inauguration of President Donald Trump from the intensive care unit. Reportedly, after watching Trump’s speech, Bush said, “Just unplug it.”

5. The day after his swearing-in, President Donald Trump attended an interfaith prayer service at the Washington National Cathedral. It was a nice break for Trump to hear people around him say, “Dear, God,” instead of “Dear God!”

6. According to reports, President Donald Trump has added gold couches to the White House Oval Office. Or, more likely, he let a few Russian hookers loose on some previously white couches.

7. Despite reports that only 250,000 people showed up to Friday’s inauguration, President Donald Trump said from his perspective it looked like a million and a half. No surprise that a millionaire who constantly mistakes himself for a billionaire is not great at counting.

8. Over the weekend, the world got a preview of President Donald Trump’s new 2017 Cadillac presidential limousine sporting a new license plate the bears the number “1”. Which is both how Trump feels about himself and what he tells Russian prostitutes to do.

9. McDonald’s announced that they are offering two new versions of their classic Big Mac. So, now the coroner will have to be more specific on cause of death.

10. Britain’s police watchdog is conducting an investigation after officers were filmed firing a stun-gun at their own black race relations adviser who they apparently mistook for a wanted suspect. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like that guy has pretty good job security.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Today, the Obama family will officially leave the White House and move into their new 8-bedroom, 8-bathroom home in a Washington D.C. Or, as Donald Trump refers to it, their new 16-bathroom home.

2. It is rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Or, as Trump refers to them, “Tiffany.”

3. During an interview on FoxNews yesterday, President-elect said he doesn’t want celebrities at his inauguration. “Well, then do I have the band for you!” said the manager of 3 Doors Down.

4. The driver of a Tesla car was reportedly left stranded in the desert near Las Vegas on Saturday when his car’s control app failed. The driver said the hardest part about being stranded in the desert was that there was no one around he could brag to about owning a Tesla.

5. Monday night, President-elect Donald Trump tried to tweet at his daughter Ivanka Trump, but tweeted at a digital consultant in Britain named Ivanka Majic by accident. Even worse, this was the tweet:
mlk-tweet

6. British scientists have created a complicated knot at the molecular level that is 192 atoms long that could be used to make materials like Kevlar even stronger. Of course, everyone knows the strongest knot known to mankind is the knot your earphones make while in your pocket.

7. Taco Bell has added an item to its menu that uses fried chicken instead of a taco shell called the Naked Chicken Chalupa. You can wander into any Taco Bell, go to the counter and either order it by name or just say “I give up.”

8. It is being reported that President-elect Donald Trump will meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin on his first foreign trip as president. Now comes the hard part, picking the perfect bed and breakfast.

9. Actor Tom Arnold is threatening to release incriminating tapes of Donald Trump once he becomes president. And I trust that he’s telling the truth because no one knows more about releases that go straight to video tape than Tom Arnold.

10. On Sunday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted that ‘Saturday Night Live’ is the worst show on NBC. Which means ‘Last Call with Carson Daly’ is gonna need a new tagline:
carson-daly

January 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, the Obama family will officially leave the White House and move into their new 8-bedroom, 8-bathroom home in a Washington D.C. Or, as Donald Trump refers to it, their new 16-bathroom home.

2. According to sources, President-elect Donald Trump is still using his personal cell phone and will answer calls from unknown numbers. Especially if they are calling collect from Russia.

3. The National Football League’s Oakland Raiders filed paperwork with the league on Thursday to move to Las Vegas. Which is weird, because you don’t usually move to Las Vegas so much as just end up there.

4. According to a new survey, 32% of all U.S. adults watch pirated content. The number is much lower of course if Johnny Depp is in it:
depp

5. A man in Virginia is giving his wife one of his kidneys on their 20th wedding anniversary. Said his wife, “Maybe just flowers next year.”

6. Restaurant chain Chuck E. Cheese is reportedly planning an IPO. And, if you want in, you should jump on the initial public offering, because if I know anything about Chuck E. Cheese it’s that no one goes back for seconds.

7. This week actress Betty White’s turned 95. She celebrated with a quiet night at home with her three best friends:
golden-girls

8. According to a new study, fussy babies may cry less after receiving acupuncture. Because it only takes three days of nonstop crying before sticking a baby with a bunch of needles sounds like a good idea.

9. A retrospective titled “Puppy Bowl: Where Are They Now?” airs tonight on Animal Planet. Unfortunately the most common answers were “a farm upstate” and “in a vietnamese guy’s belly.”

10. California is facing a large deficit for 2017 after miscalculating the costs of its state run healthcare program by over $1.9 billon last year. Said the state’s main accountant, “Oh … carry the one.”

11. On Wednesday, authorities say a Florida woman claimed dogs could fly before tossing a small dog off a 30-foot tall bridge. And, I for one, blame “Airbud”:
airbud

12. A betting website is giving 4-to-1 odds that Donald Trump will be impeached within six months of his presidency. Begging the question does starting a nuclear war that brings on the complete destruction of mankind count as “being impeached”?

13. On Monday, Jim Fouts, the mayor of Warren, Michigan said a newly released tape supposedly of him making racist and sexist comments is fake. Adding, “And, if it’s not fake, Billy Bush goaded me into saying those things.”

14. According to “The New York Times,” Russian President Vladimir Putin instructed his defense minister that if he wanted to understand America he should watch “House of Cards.” Although, after Trump’s election, maybe they should check out “The Dukes of Hazard,” too.

15. A 29-year-old woman from Minnesota has a rare disorder of the immune system, that makes her allergic to almost everything, including her husband’s scent. But, just to make sure, she also has a headache tonight.

16. On Monday, Nike presented President Obama with his own personalized Air Jordan sneakers. “That’s news to me,” said Donald Trump learning at that very moment that President Obama and Michael Jordan were two different people.

17. A new study determined that employers should let workers take breaks to masturbate because it relieves tension and make employees happier. Well all employees except for the janitor.

18. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said if it were possible she would want the late Audrey Hepburn to play her in a movie. And I’m confident if cancer hadn’t killed Hepburn, that probably would have done it.
 
19. It has been announced that Toby Keith and 3 Doors Down will headline Donald Trump’s inauguration. Because, apparently, the ‘Again’ in ‘Make American Great Again,’ was 1998.

20. Stores are pulling jars of Nutella from their shelves after a report was published linking the chocolate spread to cancer. You can read more about it in this month’s medical journal of “Thanks for Nothing, Scientists.”