November 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week in Germany, movie-goers were forced to evacuate a theater after a man tried to open a beer with pepper spray. When asked if he was crying because he was exposed to the pepper spray, one man said, “No, I’m crying because I spent $15 to see Johnny Depp in ‘Murder on the Orient Express.’”

2. According to reports Osama bin Laden spent the last years of his life arguing with people in the comments section of YouTube who claimed 9/11 was an inside job. Ah, the comments section of YouTube, a place where Osama bin Laden is only the fourth or fifth worst person.

3. China’s drug control agency disputed President Trump’s claim that most of the synthetic drug fentanyl at the heart of the U.S. opioid crisis is produced in China. Said Trump, “Okay, but I’m not letting you off the hook for the pee-pee in the Coke thing.”

4. President Trump’s attempt to make an unannounced visit to the border separating North and South Korea was aborted on Wednesday after dense fog prevented his helicopter from landing. In unrelated news, Melania was seen on the White House’s North Lawn setting up multiple fog machines.

5. Last week, Actress Lindsay Lohan tweeted at President Trump saying they should meet while he’s in Asia. And, if Trump has any sense of humor, he’ll make Pence attend that meeting all alone.

6. A man was arrested near the White House on Monday. But, on the plus-side, that’s less than last week:

7. When asked in a recent interview about all the open positions in the State Department, President Trump said, “I’m the only one that matters.” Which is also how he signs his kid’s birthday cards:

8. While speaking in Japan last week, Ivanka Trump called for the end to harassment of women in the workplace. “What about on buses?” asked her father.

9. According to a new poll, 59% disapprove of Trump’s handling of the presidency, the worst of any president at nine months in office since modern polling began. It’s the worst rating a Trump has received after just nine months since Eric was born.

10. Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman to win the New York City Marathon in 40 years on Sunday. Flanagan was able to maintain a blistering pace because right behind her was the eventual second place finisher, Harvey Weinstein.

11. Actor Alec Baldwin claims that he was told that Melanie Trump likes his impression of her husband on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Specifically the part where she can mute him.

12. According to reports, President Trump urged his CIA Director Mike Pompeo to meet with former NSA-employee William Binney who circulated the debunked theory that the leak of Democratic Party emails last year was an inside job rather than a Russian cyberattack. That story again, Mike Pompeo met with a paranoid, conspiracy theorist and also William Binney.

13. The country of Indonesia plans to launch a new automated system to help block websites displaying content such as pornography or extremist ideology. That story again, Indonesia will no longer have the internet.

14. A noted Filipino artist is creating an action figure of President Donald Trump. And bad news ladies, it’s gonna have king-fu grip:

15. While speaking in China this week, President Trump said, “Don’t blame China. Who can blame a country for being able to take advantage of another country for the benefit of their citizens.” Adding, “Especially when Hillary Clinton is still around to blame.”

16. A substitute teacher at a Virginia school was charged with being drunk in public this week after students found him passed out at his desk. That story again, a substitute teacher was arrested for doing his job.

17. During a round of golf, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe fell into a sand bunker but his playing partner, President Trump, didn’t seem to notice. Which isn’t surprising since Trump doesn’t seem to be aware that Eric’s head has been stuck in a staircase at Trump Tower for the past three years:

18. On Wednesday, police in Pennsylvania arrested a man who showed up to a local school intoxicated wanting to vote the day after the election. And it must have been one hell of a hangover because he showed up wanting to vote for Jimmy Carter.

19. President Trump’s long-time confidant Keith Schiller privately testified that he rejected a Russian offer to send five women to Trump’s hotel room during a 2013 trip to Moscow. Said Trump, “What am I going to do with five women? I only have two grabbing hands.”

20. The producers of the completed but unreleased Hollywood film “All the Money in the World” have chosen to remove Kevin Spacey from the movie, recast his role and reshoot his scenes following sexual misconduct allegations against the actor. And, in a sign of just how unpopular Spacey is now, they are replacing him with Jar Jar Binks.

July 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hillary Clinton’s new memoir on the 2016 presidential race will be released in September. Or, if you just can’t wait until then, you can read it on Wikileaks in August.

2. President Trump lashed out on Twitter on Thursday against the ‘Fake News’ for not reporting that Russian spies had information on his campaign too. Um, I’m pretty sure they did report on that:

3. A Minnesota choir teacher is being charged with having a sexual relationship with a student and sending partially naked photos of herself to him. School officials became suspicious when the boy when from an alto to a baritone in a week.

4. On Thursday, the Trump administration warned of potential repercussions for Alaska after its Senator Lisa Murkowski voted against the Republican backed healthcare bill. Said Alaska, “There’s nothing you can do to us that will hurt worse than what we’ve already done to ourselves”:

5. According to reports, Russian intelligence agents created dozens of phony Facebook accounts in an effort to spy on Emmanuel Macron during the French presidential election. That story again, the Russian intelligence agency is composed entirely of jilted ex-girlfriends.

6. Singer Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his truck in Beverly Hills Wednesday night. Oh no, is the truck alright?

7. On Wednesday, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci compared President Trump’s bid to repeal Obamacare to President Lincoln abolishing slavery. And, in Scaramucci’s defense, both involve trying to sweep the work of black men under the rug.

8. An upcoming episode of PBS’s ‘Finding Your Roots’ uncovers that comedian Larry David is related to politician Bernie Sanders. The exhaustive research to make that discovery involved looking at them.

9. Late Tuesday night, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci accused chief of staff Reince Priebus of leaking Scaramucci’s public financial disclosure forms to the press. Said Scaramucci, “I know it was you Reince, you broke my heart”:

10. Police pulled over a man in upstate New York who was driving a car with no windshield, no doors and an axe stuck in the roof. Begging the question, it is too early to start putting ‘Kid Rock for Senate 2020’ bumperstickers on cars?

11. Actress Olivia Wilde felt so bad that Jennifer Lawrence vomited from the graphic imagery presented in her theater-version of ‘1984’ that she sent the Oscar winner soup. If that’s the case, then Mickey Rourke’s face owes me a ton of soup.

12. A 44-year-old man in China was recently hospitalized with severe kidney problems after eating fifty-four scoops of ice cream in one sitting. That story again, two down and just fifty-two to go:

13. According to reports, for the first time ever American scientists have successfully edited the DNA of a human embryo. Well, for the first time ever on purpose:

14. According to reports, ‘High Times’ magazine is considering going public with an IPO. Those interested will be able to buy either a quarter, an eighth or a half-eighth of the company.

15. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has overtaken Bill Gates to become the richest person in the world, worth over $90 billion. “We’ll see about that,’ said Gates setting up a bunch of phony email addresses to get free trials of Amazon Prime.

16. This week, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick said there are “no limits” on tight-end Rob Gronkowski. Of course, other than anything that involves books.

17. According to Politico, President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions are not longer on speaking terms. “But that implies they once were and, follow-up question, what was that like?” asked Eric Trump.

18. South Korean President Moon Jae-in on Wednesday welcomed a rescue dog to his official Blue House residence. It’s the first time a dog has come to the residence since the previous night when they ordered delivery food.

19. A swimming pool in Australia has put up signs targeted at migrants telling them not to grope women or enter the female changing room. “But that just applies to migrants, right?” said Trump backstage at a beauty pageant.

20. A rugby player in Australia, who forgot he had a three-week-old child after suffering a vicious tackle, is suing the opposing team for $1.4 million. And, in related news, President Trump is willing to pay $1.4 million for someone to recreate that hit on him:

21. Officials at a zoo in Tokyo are eliciting suggestions online for names for a newly born panda cub. Or, they could just cut out the middleman, and name it Panda McPandaface.

22. Authorities in Alabama arrested a man after he brought his daughter to a drug deal. Said the man, “I learned two valuable lessons today. Don’t bring a child to a drug deal. And my daughter has a street value of three and a half pounds of cocaine.”

23. A mom was arrested at a Queens casino for leaving her 10-year-old daughter inside their parked car for an hour and a half while she gambled. Although, in her defense, the last time she brought a kid into the casino, she lost her son on the river.

24. Ivanka Trump shared some photos of her daughter’s recent sixth birthday party, including an image of marshmallows on hot dogs. Alright, now she really is a fucking monster.

25. A six-week online program, taught in Russian, teaches students how to steal credit card data and hack PayPal accounts. Said recent graduate Donald Trump Jr., “Actually the course is mostly about adoptions.”

July 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the Trump name was removed from a downtown hotel in Canada. “I didn’t realize it was that easy to take the Trump name off of something?” said President Trump eyeing Eric.

2. Frances Gabe, the creator of the only self-cleaning house, died Tuesday at the age of 101. He died doing what he loved, leaving behind a mess for someone else to clean up.

3. According to ‘People’ magazine, Donald Trump Jr. “goes to work every day and is miserable” and “can’t wait for these four years to be over.” Which is easily the most relatable Don Jr. has ever been.

4. O.J. Simpson was recently caught masturbating in his prison cell. Or, as every headline about the story should read, O.J. caught squeezing the juice.

5. It was revealed Wednesday that two new books set in the Harry Potter universe will be released in October. They’ll be similar to the previous Potter books except now, when the characters talk about “He Who Shall Not Be Named,” they have to be more specific:

6. Porn provider Pornhub reported that their site’s traffic was down 4.5% on Sunday night when HBO aired the season premiere of ‘Game of Thrones.’ That story again, nerds are terrible at multitasking.

7. According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is still less popular than Donald Trump. What do you mean ‘still’?:

8. According to a dissident Chinese billionaire, China has over 25,000 spies in the US. “Good lord, I’m never gonna be able to secretly meet with all of them about ‘adoption’,” said Donald Trump Jr.

9. In a new interview, singer Aaron Carter said he and his brother Nick, of Backstreet Boys fame, are not on speaking terms. And, I have to say, I don’t know which one of the brothers I’m more jealous of.

10. According to a new study, one in five Americans would not be able to pay their bills within one month of losing their job. So, I hope you’ve been saving up, Sean Spicer.

July 18, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A pornography website is now allowing customers to use dick pics as passwords. And, if that trend catches on, it means some time in the future “Because I’m checking my bank balance” could be a logical answer to the question, “Why is your dick out?”

2. A groom in the U.K. wore a bright yellow suit to his wedding to match the uniforms of his favorite soccer team. Proving that not all red flags are red.

3. Winnie the Pooh has been banned from Chinese social media after unflattering memes comparing the cartoon bear to Chinese President Xi Jinping gained popularity. Although, Jinping isn’t helping himself considering he insists on making public appearances pant-less:

4. In a new interview, former NBA superstar Stephon Marbury called playing on the 2004 Olympic USA basketball team the worst 38 days of his life. And, keep in mind, this is coming from a guy who spent five years on the Knicks.

5. According to a new study, approximately half of Americans have buyers remorse when it comes to their houses. While Russians are very happy with their purchase:

6. Paris Hilton’s boyfriend surprised her by getting a large tattoo of her name on his forearm. Although, that won’t be the only reminder he has of her long after they break up:

7. In a recent interview, Caitlyn Jenner said she is considering running for Senate in 2020. “Well, hello there,” said a soon-to-be very disappointed Jeff Sessions.

8. Former Vice President Joe Biden has a new book coming out in November. Although, I’m not sure Clifford the Big Red Dog fan-fiction counts as a book.

9. Hillary Clinton’s unused election night confetti has been repurposed and put into snow globes. “What about the balloons?” asked Bill:

10. An Indiana bride-to-be, who called off her wedding, but didn’t want her $30,000 affair to go to waste, threw a dinner party for the homeless. Or, as the bride is likely to tell her ex-fiancee to make him jealous, she had dinner with dozens of single, eligible bachelors.

July 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, President Trump said Russian President Vladimir Putin would be happier if Hillary Clinton were in the White House now. Or, as it’s more commonly referred to, buyer’s remorse.

2. Yesterday, a chunk of ice the size of Delaware broke off from Antartica. Which is impressive because if Delaware broke off the from U.S., I’m pretty sure it would take weeks before anyone noticed.

3. A funeral home in Michigan was shut down after authorities found an infestation of maggots. And, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but authorities also found a shit ton of dead bodies.

4. Some tech experts in Silicon Valley now believe that a robot would make a better president than a human. “Too late America, you had your chance,” said Mitt Romney.

5. On Wednesday, the Sri Lankan navy rescued a struggling elephant after he was swept out to sea. Heres a photo taken moments before the incident:

6. Tuesday night, co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ Joe Scarborough, announced that he is leaving the Republican party. And, if recent history is any guide, I assume he’s leaving the Republican party for Mika Brzezinski.

7. Tuesday night, co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ Joe Scarborough, announced that he is leaving the Republican party. Said the Republican party, “Oh no, where are we gonna find a replacement for a preppy, middle-aged white guy with glasses?”

8. According to a new survey, roughly four-in-ten Americans have personally experienced online harassment. “ONLINE harassment? I guess I’m just old fashioned,” said Bill O’Reilly.

9. A new mom, who tracked every penny she spent, determined that her 18-month-old baby cost her $20,000. You think that’s bad, Donald Trump’s kid just cost him the presidency.

10. This week, Pope Francis announced a new, fourth route to sainthood. The way it works is, if someone mentions their wife and you don’t follow it up with an impression of Borat saying “my wife,” you’re a fucking saint.

July 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a spokesman, President Trump was “not aware of” a 2016 meeting between his son, Donald Trump Jr., and a Kremlin-connected lawyer who claimed to have damaging information on Hillary Clinton. And, I hate to admit it, but President Trump having limited interactions with his own son does sound credible.

2. Actress and writer Lena Dunham has returned her pet dog Lamby to the shelter she adopted her from four years ago. “She was just too yappy and needy,” said Lamby.

3. A groom was arrested in New York after setting off fireworks at the conclusion of his backyard wedding. That story again, a man was given a life sentence and then the police showed up.

4. Television networks are intentionally misspelling the names of their news shows to artificially boost their ratings. To hear more about this story tune into to tonight’s ‘Big Bang Theory with Lester Holt.’

5. According to reports, during their first face-to-face meeting President Trump pressed President Vladimir Putin about Russian interference in the 2016 election. Which really shouldn’t be that surprising since I can’t remember the last time Trump had a conversation where he didn’t bring up his election victory.

6. Amazon has designed an underwater warehouse to store goods which are summoned to the surface by playing sounds. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Ariel:

7. President Trump’s first meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit, was scheduled for thirty minutes, but lasted over two hours. Which either means the piss tape is longer than a half-hour, or they watched it more than once.

8. Ivanka Trump, President Donald Trump’s daughter, briefly took her father’s seat at a meeting with other world leaders at the G20 summit on Saturday. Afterwards, President Trump said he regretted the move, not because Ivanka sat in his seat, but that he wasn’t in his chair when she did it:

9. Last week, more Americans tuned in to watch re-runs of “Yogi Bear,” “Full House,” and “Friends” on Nick At Nite than to watch Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon’s shows on CNN. Which means most Americans get their news about the Russians from Bullwinkle:

10. President Trump said on Twitter on Sunday that, while at the G20 Summit, he discussed forming a joint cyber security unit to guard against election hacking with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Putin, “Alright, am I being punk’d? Where’s Ashton?”

June 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New York’s Shakespeare in the Park is putting on a production of “Julius Casear” in which the ancient assassinated Roman leader resembles President Trump. They’ve taken some real liberties with the original text, for instance, they changed the iconic line to “beware the frieds of starch”:

2. On Friday, in response to the U.S. pulling out the Paris Climate Accord, Germany’s Environmental Minister said that the climate will last longer than the Trump presidency. But to be fair, I think I have some milk in my fridge that will outlast the Trump presidency.

3. Vice President Mike Pence’s family cat, Oreo, died last week. Eric and Don Jr. have been named as ‘persons of interest’:

4. According to Nielsen data, Former FBI Director James Comey’s testimony before Congress last week drew 19.5 million viewers. Said President Trump, “That’s nothing! My obstruction of justice trial will bring in way more!”

5. When asked on Friday what advice she would give President Trump, democratic Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said he should get some more sleep. Which doesn’t make sense, because under that logic, Ben Carson would be our best president ever:

6. While giving a graduation speech in Brooklyn last week, Hillary Clinton said, “I wish I had flown in from the White House.” “Flying away from the White House is my favorite part too,” said Trump:

7. The 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo have added 15 events, including six events that involve men and women competing on mixed teams. Or, as Mike Pence refers to it, adultery.

8. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Saturday that he will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday. Looks like they’re already preparing for his testimony:

9. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. To make sure his body stays fresh, they put one of these in his casket:

10. Saturday night, President Trump crashed a wedding that was being held at his golf club in New Jersey. Because, if we know one thing about Trump, it’s that he likes attending weddings:

June 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new poll, there are more gay people in America than adult virgins. This according to a poll taken somewhere other than ComicCon.

2. Doctors are warning women against a new trend of putting wasp nests in their vaginas. “Look, if you got a better defense plan, I’m all ears,” said women who work in the White House.

3. According to a new study, couples trying for a baby have sex an average of 78 times before becoming pregnant. Which means, according to my calculations, my upstairs neighbors have 137 kids by now.

4. The New York Mets mascot, Mr. Met, has come under fire after a cellphone video surfaced showing him giving a fan the middle finger. Even worse, after a thorough investigation, it was determined that the Phillie Phanatic has been coming to work without pants for years:

5. A 98-year-old California woman has written over 7,000 letters to troops overseas. Every letter thanks the soldier for their service and asks him to “kill a dirty Kraut for her.”

6. President Trump’s 2020 reelection committee is selling “Big League Boxes,” packed with Trump merchandise, delivered monthly to recurring donors. Said Trump, “Aren’t monthly donations usually called ‘alimony payments’?”

7. Police in Michigan arrested a woman for allegedly stealing flowers, a bench and other objects from local cemeteries to decorate her house. But, in her defense, she was just trying to make her husband, Larry King, feel more at home.

8. According to a new report, President Trump has traded in his Android smartphone for an iPhone with only one app, Twitter. It’s the first time Trump has been limited to just one app in a very long time:

9. A 38-year-old Indian climber who made the fastest double ascent of Mount Everest and became the first woman to reach the highest point on earth twice in five days, says she will now turn her attention to smaller unclimbed peaks. But, sometimes, smaller peaks remained unclimbed by women for a reason:

10. A woman fired a starter pistol at a race so close to the Prime Minister of Belgium’s ear that he had to undergo medical treatment and cancel a speech in Parliament. “You think that’s bad,” said Lincoln.

11. A drunk man in Pennsylvania was arrested yesterday for repeatedly calling 911 just to talk. Said the man at the jailhouse, “I get one phone call, right?”

12. According to a new study, foods that wind up in the garbage contain many of the same nutrients that Americans are missing in their diets. Said Americans, “Yeah, no shit, how do you think they wound up in the trash in the first place?”

13. According to reports, almost half of President Trump’s 31 million Twitter followers appear to be fake. Even more disturbing, the other half appear to be real.

14. While giving a commencement speech, actor Robert De Niro said that America has turned into “a tragic, dumb comedy.” “I’ll do it,” said Nicholas Cage.

15. A hot air balloon in Canada crashed after a man onboard proposed to his girlfriend. Said the woman, “This is the worst day of my life,” and then he proposed.

16. Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the president, recently purchased an $8 million house in Washington D.C. It has four bedrooms and there bathrooms, but I’m guessing Conway’s gonna spend most of her time in the basement:

17. Pornography website PornHub is celebrating its ten year anniversary by asking users to submit “What I Learned from PornHub” videos. So, expect a lot of videos detailing how to clear you browser history.

18. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so big as a defense mechanism against being eaten. “I love a challenge,” said Chris Christie:

19. Mark Zuckerberg said he plans to visit very U.S. state this year to learn more about Facebook’s users. “Every state? Are you even allowed to do that?” asked Hillary.

20. Gunsticles, which are fake testicles that hang from your gun, are now a thing. Because not every guy with a small penis can afford a Porsche.

21. Over the weekend, actor and amateur pilot Harrison Ford had multiple failed takeoffs due to mechanical issues. “Yeah, tell me about it,” said Calista Flockhart.

22. A Palestinian judge has banned divorces during the month of Ramadan as “people make hasty decisions when they are hungry.” Which is Taco Bell’s entire business model.

June 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, women have more sex on vacation. Although, it’s not a hard-and-fast rule:

2. White House sources say President Trump will pull the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Agreement. Not surprising that a real estate developer is in favor of creating more waterfront properties.

3. According to reports, President Trump is giving his personal cell phone number to world leaders. Ivanka, too:

4. Thieves in Washington used a blowtorch to steal from an ATM, but, in doing so, accidentally set the cash in the machine on fire. People said they haven’t seen someone light that much money on fire, that quickly, since Paramount greenlit the ‘Baywatch’ movie.

5. On Wednesday, NASA announced its first mission to fly directly into the sun’s atmosphere. Here’s a look at the press release:

6. Florists worldwide say sales of pampas grass have plummeted after rumors surfaced that people display the exotic plant in their windows to signal that swingers live in that house. Of course, if you see pampas grass and poison ivy, it means “Not now, Hillary’s home.”

7. On Tuesday, a carriage horse broke free from its restraints and went on a mad dash through rush hour traffic in New York City. Or, more likely, Sarah Jessica Parker when for a midday jog.

8. Whlie speaking at an event in Australia this week, Senator John McCain pleaded with the country to be patient with the U.S. while the new Trump administration “finds it feet.” Which could take a while because I don’t think Trump’s been able to see his feet in years:

9. Former-teacher Mary Kay Letourneau and former-student-turned-husband Vili Fualaau have filed for divorce. Fualaau’s mother called her son, “An immature kid,” while French President Emamnuel Macron called him “a trailblazer.”

10. According to CNN, President Trump is stressed out, gaining weight and realizing the job isn’t a good fit for him. Well, I’ll say this, he’s never been more relatable.

May 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s wife, Sara, offered sympathetic words to visiting President Trump and his wife Melania on Monday, telling them that people still loved them despite negative media coverage. Trump said he was not used to hearing such kind words, at least, not without them having to be translated from Russian first.

2. Stephen Colbert recently revealed that former GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz once went on “The Late Show” and asked the host if he could “humanize” him. Which would have made following Letterman the second hardest task Colbert has ever undertaken.

3. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly fell asleep in the middle of President Trump’s 36-minute speech in Saudi Arabia over the weekend. “The key is pretending to fall asleep before he starts his ‘performance’,” said Melania.

4. According to ‘Politico,’ First Lady Melania Trump tracks the news of the day and alerts President Trump to stories that she thinks make him look bad. Although, I’m willing to bet, she may not be passing along all those stories this week:

5. Former CIA Director John Brennan said on Tuesday that he warned the head of Russia’s FSB Security Service last summer that any interference in the U.S. election would hurt U.S.-Russian relations. Turns out, he was wrong:

6. A black man, who underwent a penis transplant, will have his new appendage completely tattooed because the donor was white. But it still won’t change the fact that apparently he’s Jewish now.

7. A Wikipedia page dedicated to Hillary Clinton redirected to Adolf Hilter’s autobiography ‘Mein Kampf’ on Monday for over 16 hours. Even more surprising, Steve Bannon’s page didn’t.

8. Paris Hilton has filed a federal lawsuit over a Hallmark greeting card that uses a photo of the heiress and her trademarked phrase “That’s Hot.” Customers who bought the card are also suing because when they licked the stamp to send it, they somehow contracted gonorrhea.

9. Researchers were able to use freeze-dried mouse sperm that flew around the space station for nine months to produce a healthy litter of mice back on Earth. That story again, scientists have run out of things to study.

10. Researchers were able to use freeze-dried mouse sperm that flew around the space station for nine months to produce a healthy litter of mice back on Earth. Which explains this recent NASA transmission: “That’s one small step for man, one … oh, what did I just step in? What was it? Why did we even bring that up here? Oh come on!”