April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

May 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, there was a spike in herpes diagnosis following the recent Coachella music festival in California. So I’m guessing John Mayer headlined Coachella this year.

2. Tiger Woods will celebrate his Masters victory and receive the nation’s highest honor for a civilian when he visits the White House and President Donald Trump on Monday. Said Mike Pence upon seeing Woods at the White House, “Oh no, Barack’s back!” 

3. A group of gynecologists is claiming that despite reports online, there is no benefit to eating human placentas. “No benefit? Really?” said a New York City man eating placenta in a subway car he had completely to himself.

4. Researchers in England have discovered trace levels of cocaine in several samples of freshwater shrimp. And, in related news, Charlie Sheen is sporting a new look:

5. This week, Thailand’s King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun revealed he has wed his royal consort General Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Aydhaya and declared her queen. She attempted to take his name, but the person working the DMV died of exhaustion. 

6. According to a new survey, the Bostonian accent is the 28th sexiest accent in the world. That story again, there are apparently only 28 accents in the entire world.

7. President Trump and Democratic leaders agreed on Tuesday to spend $2 trillion on U.S. infrastructure, leaving the details of how to pay for it to another meeting. Said Trump, “I have a great idea, hear me out, Mexico.” 

8. This week. President Trump called for his administration to restrict the asylum process, issuing a presidential memorandum that proposed charging asylum-seekers a fee. Which explain why they’ve also changed the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, who also happen to have a buck fifty on them.” 

9. According to a source, Special counsel Robert Mueller expressed concerns in a letter to Attorney General William Barr that Barr’s four-page letter to Congress summarizing the “principal conclusions” of Mueller’s findings didn’t fully capture his 448-page report. But according to Barr’s summary of Mueller’s letter, Barr did a great job and is very handsome. 

10. For the first time in five years, ISIS has released what it says is a new video message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Say what you want about ISIS, but hearing from your leader only once in five years does sound nice: 

11. According to a new report, the number of dead people on Facebook may outnumber the living within fifty years. That story again. Mark Zuckerberg’s quest for blood knows no bounds.

12. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. “Wait, Mexicans can dig?!?!?” asked a very worried Trump.

13. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. He knows that Facebook accounts are free, right?

14. A Georgia stepmother is set to become the state’s only female death row inmate after she was convicted this week. Another glass ceiling broken ladies, congrats.

15. On Wednesday, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he didn’t read the entire Mueller Report. Yeah, no one did:

16. On Thursday, Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado declared his candidacy for the Democratic party’s 2020 presidential nomination. And you may remember Michael Bennet from such places as the beginning of this joke and literally nowhere else.

17. Oprah Winfrey said in a recent interview that she calls Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg “Buttabeep, Buttaboop.” She also revealed that she calls Stedman rarely.

18. A European study of nearly 1,000 gay males who had sex without condoms, where one man had HIV and was taking antiretroviral drugs to suppress it, has found the treatment can prevent sexual transmission of the virus. Said the guy who didn’t have HIV, “Wait what study?”

January 22, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. During an interview over the weekend, when President Trump was asked where he gets the energy to fight as hard as he does, the President responded, “Well, I guess I have good genes.” And now for the counter-argument:

2. A man in his 50s recently experienced so-called debilitating night blindness after accidentally taking an entire bottle of sexual-dysfunction medicine. But, on the plus side, now when he walks into walls, it’s not his nose that hits first. 

3. Authorities in China say experiments which led to the birth of the world’s first gene-edited babies broke the country’s laws. That story again, someone in China had a baby girl.

4. The prostitution trial of a self-described “sex coach” who claimed to have insider knowledge of Russia’s election interference ended abruptly on Tuesday after she unexpectedly pleaded guilty. Look, I’m no sex coach, but if she wanted to prevent things from ending abruptly, she should’ve thought about baseball.

5. Scientists have unveiled what they say is an ideal diet, including a doubling of consumption of nuts, fruits, vegetables and legumes, and a halving of meat and sugar intake. Or, as Trump thinks of it, fuck scientists:

6. President Trump proposed an immigration deal on Saturday in a bid to end a 29-day partial government shutdown, but Democrats immediately dismissed it. Trump hasn’t been turned down that quickly since the last time he tried to touch Melania: 

7. When asked to comment on the recent New York Times article that claimed the FBI opened an investigation into whether the President was working on behalf of Russia, President Trump said “I think it’s the most insulting article I’ve ever had written.” He knows there’s an article that accuses him of peeing on a bed of Russian hookers, right? 

8. Last week, tanker hauling 40,000 pounds of liquid chocolate rolled over on the interstate in Arizona, leaving a river of brown liquid all over the road. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” said the guy who cleans up the Chipotle bathroom, reaching for a mop.

9. A photo of an ordinary, brown egg has broken Kylie Jenner’s record for most-liked photo on Instagram. That story again, an Instagram feed filled with pointless pictures and empty messages was beaten by an egg.

10. President Trump said on Monday he never worked for Russia. And, as an American, I can say it is the first time I have ever been jealous of Russia:

11. Tuesday night, New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand announced her intention to run for president in 2020. A blonde, Democratic, female senator from New York running for president against Donald Trump, what could go wrong?

12. YouTube has banned users from sharing videos of dangerous pranks on its platform because of concerns about challenges that put people’s lives in jeopardy. So, from here on out, it’s two girls, two cups.

13. On Thursday, President Trump denied House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a military plane for a trip to Afghanistan, a tit-for-tat retaliation for Pelosi threatening to postpone Trump’s State of the Union address. Because, as everyone knows, there is no harsher punishment than telling someone they can’t go to Afghanistan.

14. Michael Cohen, President Trump’s former personal lawyer, said on Thursday he paid a firm to manipulate online polling data “at the direction of and for the sole benefit of” Trump. And the results don’t lie:

15. Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office issued a statement late on Friday taking issue with a report in Buzzfeed that Michael Cohen said Trump told him to lie to Congress. Mueller is also disputing Buzzfeed’s conclusion that he’s “totally a Miranda.”

16. On Monday, John Travolta and President Trump were nominated for the worst actor Razzie Award for 2018. That story again, a man that everyone knows is bald was nominated for a Razzie and so was John Travolta.

17. It has been reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorney’s has withdrawn from the case. Now comes the hard part, getting Weinstein to accept ‘No’ as an answer.

18. A woman in Florida was arrested after she stole five watches and hid them in her vagina. Which is still only the second worst clock-related item she’s ever put up there:

19. Emin Agalarov, the Russian pop star who initiated the infamous June 2016 Trump Tower meeting, canceled his upcoming US tour after failing to reach a deal with the special counsel. Begging the question, are we sure Justin Bieber doesn’t have important Russian-related information as well?

20. It was announced this week that former White House Press Secretary Anthony Scaramucci will be part of the Celebrity Big Brother cast this year. Because if there’s one thing the Mooch is good at, it’s staying in a house for a long period of time.

January 14, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Federal judge on Monday reprimanded the lawyer defending the indicted Russian company Concord Management and Consulting for being “unprofessional, inappropriate and ineffective.” Yet another thing Trump has in common with the Russians:

 2. Police in California are trying to track down a man who spent three hours licking a doorbell at a Los Angeles home. Authorities describe the man as very disturbed and his girlfriend as very lucky.

3. According to a new study, new artificial intelligence technology can accurately identify some rare genetic disorders using a photograph of a patient’s face. Said that new technology, “I don’t know, the plague?”:

4. According to scientists in China, rabbits who eat feces grow stronger and healthier than those who do not. “Still you,” said the colleagues of the scientist who ran the study when he asked, “So who’s crazy for feeding shit to bunnies now?”

5. Former secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julián Castro officially announced his presidential bid on Saturday. Said President Trump, “Marco’s running again?”

6. During President Trump’s bipartisan meeting, Trump reportedly offered House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader chuck Schumer M&Ms, Skittles, Butterfingers and Baby Ruths. “Baby Ruths?!?!’ screamed Eric: 

7. President Trump said Sunday that he would “devastate Turkey economically” if the country attacks Kurds in the region. Of course, the quickest way to economically cripple anything, is to put Trump’s name in front of it:

8. A TV station in Oregon fired an editor after airing altered footage of President Trump’s Oval Office address that shows a more orange-toned Trump with his tongue hanging out of his mouth. The man’s boss became suspicious that the video may have been edited when they noticed that Trump was speaking in full sentences and making sense.

9. While giving a recent speech, President Trump proclaimed himself a “professional at technology.” Which can only mean one thing, umbrellas don’t count as technology:

10. According to reports, CBS is in discussions with the White House to record and air an interview with President Trump before this year’s Super Bowl. That story again, a questionable form of entertainment that has a history of links to brain damage will air before the Super Bowl.

11. Ford said on Monday it plans to roll out a wireless technology for its new vehicles, starting in 2022, that will allow direct communication between connected devices. That story again, soon even your toaster will know how shitty of a driver you are. 

12. A petition has been circulating online to cancel MTV’s new reality show entitled “Made in Staten Island” because it allegedly makes the borough look like “a cesspool of gangsters, meatheads and low lives.” Of course, it doesn’t help their cause that the petition ends with “or else.”

13. According to reports, 2018 was highest grossing year for Hollywood movies ever. Experts do not expect that trend to continue as Johnny Depp has vowed to work more in 2019.

June 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New York’s Shakespeare in the Park is putting on a production of “Julius Casear” in which the ancient assassinated Roman leader resembles President Trump. They’ve taken some real liberties with the original text, for instance, they changed the iconic line to “beware the frieds of starch”:

2. On Friday, in response to the U.S. pulling out the Paris Climate Accord, Germany’s Environmental Minister said that the climate will last longer than the Trump presidency. But to be fair, I think I have some milk in my fridge that will outlast the Trump presidency.

3. Vice President Mike Pence’s family cat, Oreo, died last week. Eric and Don Jr. have been named as ‘persons of interest’:

4. According to Nielsen data, Former FBI Director James Comey’s testimony before Congress last week drew 19.5 million viewers. Said President Trump, “That’s nothing! My obstruction of justice trial will bring in way more!”

5. When asked on Friday what advice she would give President Trump, democratic Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said he should get some more sleep. Which doesn’t make sense, because under that logic, Ben Carson would be our best president ever:

6. While giving a graduation speech in Brooklyn last week, Hillary Clinton said, “I wish I had flown in from the White House.” “Flying away from the White House is my favorite part too,” said Trump:

7. The 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo have added 15 events, including six events that involve men and women competing on mixed teams. Or, as Mike Pence refers to it, adultery.

8. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Saturday that he will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday. Looks like they’re already preparing for his testimony:

9. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. To make sure his body stays fresh, they put one of these in his casket:

10. Saturday night, President Trump crashed a wedding that was being held at his golf club in New Jersey. Because, if we know one thing about Trump, it’s that he likes attending weddings:

February 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former President Barack Obama was spotted kite-surfing in the Caribbean. Which is like stalking your ex on Facebook only to find out he’s completely moved on and is doing much better without you.

2. A South Carolina woman is accused of cutting a man’s throat before going on a verbal tirade in which she claimed to control President Donald Trump and referred to herself as Jesus Christ. And, yet despite all this, yesterday, she was confirmed as Secretary of Education. Congrats Betsy.

3. In a recent interview, actress Lena Dunham blamed her recently weight loss on her inability to eat after Donald Trump’s election. Alright, but that still doesn’t explain why Kellyanne Conway looks so terrible.

4. A group of good samaritans dressed as giraffes took down a fleeing shoplifter over the weekend in Britain. The shoplifter said next time he’ll come better prepared:
lion

5. On Monday, while talking about the current political climate, Democratic Senator and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi mistakenly referred to the President as “President Bush.” Pelosi caught her mistake and quickly corrected it by saying “President Bannon.”

6. According to researchers, the Statue of Liberty was originally conceived to be an Egyptian peasant, meaning she is most likely Muslim. Which explains why she’s spent the past 130 years in New York harbor and has never set foot on dry land.

7. Singer Madonna has been granted permission to adopt two more children from Malawi after the impoverished African nation’s High Court gave its approval. Said the judge, “Please pick me!”

8. A mother is pressing charges against a daycare worker she says was caught on surveillance video breastfeeding her child without her permission. “Why can’t you just be cool about this?” said the woman’s fifteen year-old son.

9. Actress Rosie O’Donnell took to Twitter on Tuesday to state her desire to play Donald Trump’s chief strategist Steve Bannon on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Although, I don’t know why SNL would opt for Rosie when they already have the real Bannon playing himself:
bannon

10. An Illinois-based dog food company was forced to recall its product after it was discovered to contain a euthanasia drug. So, I guess Fido isn’t as good at ‘playing’ dead as you thought.

November 18, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Barack Obama will be joined by former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on Wednesday in a wreath-laying ceremony at JFK’s grave commemorating the 50th anniversary of his assassination. The ceremony will mark the first time in over ten years that Bill and Hillary will get laid together.

2. An Alabama man lost his fight on Friday to keep his wife buried in the front yard of the home they shared for decades. Hey police, maybe check out his backyard too, just to be safe.

3. An Alabama man lost his fight on Friday to keep his wife buried in the front yard of the home they shared for decades. The Alabama Supreme Court said they may reconsider their decision once the wife dies.

4. Last week, R&B singer Chris Brown checked himself out of rehab. So, back inside everyone.

5. A custom-made neon-green wheelchair stolen from a 9-year-old Cleveland boy was returned anonymously to a police station last week. Police returned the wheelchair to the boy, who was right where they left him.

6. A custom-made neon-green wheelchair stolen from a 9-year-old Cleveland boy was returned anonymously to a police station last week. Police returned the wheelchair to the boy, allowing him to continue his goal of wheeling himself out of Cleveland.

7. Sony said on Sunday it had sold 1 million units of its new PlayStation 4 gaming consoles in the first 24 hours it was available. Said one PlayStation buyer, “Ahh, the sun!!!!”

8. According to a study of young soccer players, women tend to have worse symptoms than men after suffering a concussion. When asked how they judged the severity of the women’s symptoms, the scientists replied, “Oh, they let us know. Trust me, they let us know.”

9. On Friday, television network FXX announced it had secured the cable and online streaming rights to reruns of the FOX animated series “The Simpsons” in what is thought to be one of the most expensive syndication deals in television history. Said one anonymous source close to the deal, “Dough!”

10. The top Democrat in the House of Representatives said on Sunday that her party would not abandon President Obama’s landmark healthcare reform law. Instead, the plan to back away slowly and then deny they supported it come re-election time.