March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

December 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Florida woman who thought she was buying a baby bouncer from a local Goodwill as a baby shower present was surprised to find a loaded rifle in the box instead. But, since it was Florida, it was actually the fourth gun brought as a gift to that baby shower. 

2. Props from the sitcom “Friends” will be auctioned off next month for charity. The worthy charity that will receive those funds, people who worked on “Joey.”

3. In response to a growing trend, a gynecologist in the U.K. is warning women not to masturbate using electric toothbrushes. “But that’s the only way I’ll get any oral,” said DJ Khalid’s wife: 

4. A North Carolina woman is being accused of conspiring with her boyfriend to stage a robbery at the convenience store where she worked to get money for an engagement ring. “Yes, I’d like to report a crime,” said her commitment-phobic boyfriend calling in a tip to the cops. 

5. Delta Air Lines recently showed an edited version of the film “Booksmart” which cut out the movie’s lesbian sex scene.  Even worse, they showed the full, unedited version of “Aquaman.”

6. Joycelyn Savage, one of jailed rapper R. Kelly’s girlfriends, is now talking. Even more impressive, she took her first steps last week too!

7. A new study found semen on 30% of hotel room remote controls. While they found the other 70% literally everywhere else:

8. During a televised meeting at the White House last week, President Trump decried EPA water restrictions, saying, “People are flushing toilets ten times, fifteen times as opposed to once.” And, from the look of his diet, I think this is the rare occasion where he’s not lying: 

9. Last week, a New York judge denied Harvey Weinstein’s request to dismiss two predatory sexual assault charges. Now comes the really hard part for Weinstein, taking ‘no’ for an answer.

10. During Thursday’s halftime performance of the Thanksgiving matchup between the Chicago Bears and Detroit Lions, the power temporarily went out at Ford Field. Fans were disappointed by the interruption, but even more disappointed when the lights came back on and they were forced to watch the second half of the Lions game.

11. The Pussycat Dolls announced last week that they will embark on a reunion tour kicking off in Dublin next year. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get an ideas, Spice Girls.

12. According to a new study, an episode of the long-running television show Grey’s Anatomy increased public awareness about sexual assault and how to get help. Not to be outdone, ‘Mr. Belvedre’ raised awareness of the serious threat of sitting on your own balls.

13. North Korea recently announced that Kim Jong Un took a second horseback ride to a sacred mountain in less than a month. Man, that’s crazy, what’s it like to have a leader who takes part in some sort of physical activity?:

14. Former model Karen McDougal, who said she had an affair with President Trump, filed a defamation lawsuit Thursday against Fox News. Begging the question, can you really damage the reputation of someone who already publicly admittedly that she had sex with Donald Trump?

15. Last week, the New York Knicks fired head coach David Fizdale after the team’s record fell to 4-18. Or, more accurately, Fizdale served his time and an early release.

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

July 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a spokesman, President Trump was “not aware of” a 2016 meeting between his son, Donald Trump Jr., and a Kremlin-connected lawyer who claimed to have damaging information on Hillary Clinton. And, I hate to admit it, but President Trump having limited interactions with his own son does sound credible.

2. Actress and writer Lena Dunham has returned her pet dog Lamby to the shelter she adopted her from four years ago. “She was just too yappy and needy,” said Lamby.

3. A groom was arrested in New York after setting off fireworks at the conclusion of his backyard wedding. That story again, a man was given a life sentence and then the police showed up.

4. Television networks are intentionally misspelling the names of their news shows to artificially boost their ratings. To hear more about this story tune into to tonight’s ‘Big Bang Theory with Lester Holt.’

5. According to reports, during their first face-to-face meeting President Trump pressed President Vladimir Putin about Russian interference in the 2016 election. Which really shouldn’t be that surprising since I can’t remember the last time Trump had a conversation where he didn’t bring up his election victory.

6. Amazon has designed an underwater warehouse to store goods which are summoned to the surface by playing sounds. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Ariel:

7. President Trump’s first meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit, was scheduled for thirty minutes, but lasted over two hours. Which either means the piss tape is longer than a half-hour, or they watched it more than once.

8. Ivanka Trump, President Donald Trump’s daughter, briefly took her father’s seat at a meeting with other world leaders at the G20 summit on Saturday. Afterwards, President Trump said he regretted the move, not because Ivanka sat in his seat, but that he wasn’t in his chair when she did it:

9. Last week, more Americans tuned in to watch re-runs of “Yogi Bear,” “Full House,” and “Friends” on Nick At Nite than to watch Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon’s shows on CNN. Which means most Americans get their news about the Russians from Bullwinkle:

10. President Trump said on Twitter on Sunday that, while at the G20 Summit, he discussed forming a joint cyber security unit to guard against election hacking with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Putin, “Alright, am I being punk’d? Where’s Ashton?”

April 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New England Patriot defensive end Alan Branch said he decided to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump on Wednesday because he “couldn’t shake his hand and look my daughters in the eye.” Said Trump, “Who looks their daughter in the eye?”:

2. A professional tennis match being played at the Sarasota Open in Florida Tuesday night was temporarily interrupted by the sounds of loud sex coming from a building nearby. That story again, the couple that lives in the apartment above mine is apparently on vacation in Florida.

3. This week, Sarah Palin ate dinner with President Trump at the White House and brought along Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. That story again, the White House relaxed its “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.

4. On Wednesday, Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly amid sexual harassment allegations from twelve women over the past fifteen years. So, if you’re ever wondered exactly how behind the times Fox New is, the answer is fifteen years.

5. The same day he was fired from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly was spotted in Vatican City shaking the Pope’s hand. And the two have a lot in common, they’re both celibate, although not from a lack of trying by one of them.

6. British tech entrepreneur Patrick Bergel became the first man to drive a car across the Antartic, completing the feat 100 years after his great-grandfather, explorer Ernest Shackleton, failed to cross the same continent on foot. Said Bergel, “I like to think, if my great-grandfather were alive to see this, he’d call me an incredible pussy for using a car.”

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. Which makes it even weirder that Anthony Weiner kept forgetting to delete his browser history.

8. Colorado is set to open the country’s first drive-thru marijuana store. Although, technically, not on purpose:

9. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by his family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. His last words were reportedly “Oh no, Mike Pence!”

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. “That’s ridiculous, who waits until after their presidency to vacation?” said Trump from Mar-a-Lago.

11. A high school senior in Tennessee went skydiving in a tuxedo to ask his girlfriend to prom. And, considering his first two parachutes failed and he was able to pull the chord to the last one just in time, he may want to get those tuxedo pants laundered before prom.

12. Renata Rojas of New York is paying $105,000 to visit the wreckage of the Titanic. Although, if she’s interested in seeing a sinking ship, she could save a lot of money by getting a job in the Trump White House.

13. A stage parody of the hit show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway this year. While a parody of the hit show “The West Wing” has been running for months in D.C.

14. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. And I have a hunch that won’t be the only international house of worship those patrons visit that day:

15. According to a new study, having a baby can wreck your marriage. ”It’s adorable that you think those things happen in that order,” said the South.

16. According to reports, President Trump has requested a gold-plated carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth when he makes his first official visit to Great Britain. Presumably because the Access Hollywood bus was already booked.

April 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Companies in the notoriously workaholic country of Japan are offering employees bonuses if they leave work early. Begging the question, is that how Donald Trump made his fortune:

2. The education minister in India has ordered an investigation into a textbook that described the “best” female figure as 36”-24″-36″. That story again, history books all over the world are already quoting Donald Trump’s inauguration speech.

3. According to reports, Bill O’Reilly’s behavior is said to have been a contributing factor in Megan Kelly’s departure from Fox News. Another factor, she turned 30.

4. New York Knick Kristaps Porzingis is reportedly so frustrated with the direction of the team that he blew of his season-ending exit interview. Although, in the current climate, it’s probably a good idea for anyone named ‘Kristaos Porzingis’ to avoid anything labeled an ‘exit interview.’

5. On Friday, the Trump administration said it would break with established precedent by not releasing to the pubic the log that keeps track of all White House visitors. “That’s bullshit,” said Eric Trump, “Dad told me they didn’t allow visitors at the White House.”

6. A musical parody of the show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway later this year. As an homage to “The Phantom of the Opera,” right before intermission the Chandler drops.

7. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. That story again, a house of prayer in Denver is about to unintentionally set the record for most Jesus lookalikes in one church at one time:

8. Emma Morano of Italy, the world’s oldest person, died over the weekend at the age of 117. Morano lived through two World Wars and almost made it to a third.

9. Ahead of his upcoming visit to Britain, President Trump has reportedly requested a golden carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth. Although, he’s gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out that not everyone has the same definition for the term ‘golden carriage ride’ as Russian prostitutes.

10. Masao Gunji of Japan now holds the Guinness World Record for most Hello Kitty memorabilia with 5,169 items lining the walls of his bright pink home. Gunji also set the record for ‘Most Red Flags.’

September 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An AirAsia flight from Sydney to Malaysia accidentally flew to Melbourne instead because the pilot entered the wrong coordinates. But, to be fair, it still ranks as one of the more successful flights to Malaysia.

2. According to the FBI’s latest report, during her four years as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton used thirteen different cell phones. And, only six of them were used to catfish Bill on Tinder.

3. Last week, Dr. Ben Carson accompanied Donald Trump to Detroit where Carson cut short a live interview on CNN in front of his childhood home to look for his luggage. Because, like a true Trump supporter, he became very concerned about his belongings once he realized he was in a black neighborhood.

4. A single mother in Texas dressed up as a man so her son could go to a “Doughnuts with Dad” event at his school. Said the son, “Maybe if you didn’t look like such a convincing man, Dad would still be around.”

5. A 6-month-old boy in North Carolina has set a world record as the youngest water-skier. Or, as sharks refer to him, veal.

6. Last week, New York Met Wilmer Flores excited the hometown crowd by changing his walk-up music to the theme song from “Friends.” The last time a Met walked out to a TV theme song it was Daryl Strawberry strolling to the plate to the ‘DUN DUN’ from “Law & Order.”

7. A thug in the U.K. punched a five-day-old baby in the face at a supermarket and then immediately apologized saying he thought it was a doll. “Yeah, but is he single?” said Casey Anthony.

8. A North Dakota sheriff’s office pressed charges against Jill Stein Wednesday after the Green Party presidential nominee spray-painted a bulldozer during an environmental protest. But that didn’t prevent Fox News from getting viewers’ hopes up by enthusiastically reporting “Arrest warrant issued for liberal presidential candidate.”

9. On Wednesday, Apple unveiled its new, water-proof iPhone 7. So I guess it was a bad time for me to invest heavily in bags of rice.

10. A landlord showing his vacant rental home in Atlanta Monday morning made a grisly discovery when he stumbled upon the body of a dead man in the backyard. Said the landlord, “How do you feel about roommates?”

August 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was announced yesterday that swimmer Ryan Lochte will be joining the cast of the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars.” So let me be the first to congratulate the winner of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” Michael Phelps.

2. Police in Sweden have dropped sexual assault charges against a man after it was discovered that his alleged victims had “gigantic breasts.” That, or the police sketch artist really needs a girlfriend.

3. Yesterday, political commentator Ann Coulter said she has a ‘blind loyalty’ to Donald Trump, adding, “Once he gave that Mexican rapist speech, I’ll walk across glass for him.” Or, to put it more romantically, you had me at ‘Mexican rapist.’

4. On Thursday, a Washington D.C. judge ruled that jumping over the White House fence is not free speech. “Does it matter which way you’re jumping?” said President Obama.

5. Part of Kenya’s Olympic team has been stranded in Brazil after the conclusion of the games. Or more likely, the Kenyan Olympic team looked around Rio and decided not to go back to Kenya.

6. This week, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence got his haircut at an African-American barbershop in Pennsylvania. Which explains this:

7. In a recent interview, a 20-year-old Brazilian student who had a one night stand with Olympic champion Usain Bolt in Rio said “he has the body of a champion although his male parts do not match.” “I’ve heard that before,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

8. This week, researchers found a train at the bottom of Lake Superior 106 years after its derailment. “So it’s not coming?” said a really, really late businessman.

9. Former “Friends” star Courteney Cox says she now regrets some cosmetic procedures she had in the past. Begging the question, is David Arquette’s middle name ‘cosmetic procedures’?

10. A Nigerian man is being charged for provoking people and “breach of peace” for naming his dog after President Muhammadu Buhari. “That’s not how you get back at that dog,” said President Obama:

11. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe showed up to Sunday night’s Olympic Closing Ceremonies dressed as Super Mario. Although, I remember Yoshi looking different:

12. Mataelpino, a small Spanish town just outside Madrid, has replaced its annual running of the bulls with an Indiana Jones-style boulder run. Although, now and days, the only stones Indiana Jones is trying to outrun are kidney.

13. Last week, Ford announced that they will start building cars with no steering wheels or pedals. They will be called the Ford No Escape.
14. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump apologized on Thursday for past remarks that “may have caused personal pain.” And, to show he’s serious, Trump changed all his “Sorry Jeb” signs to “Sorry, Jeb” signs.
15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump and his running mate toured flood-damaged Louisiana on Friday. So, if the torrential flooding hasn’t convinced you to move, that should do it.

16. NASA has announced that it will put the International Space Station up for sale hoping that a private commercial owner will take over possession of the site. One downside, the neighbors suck:

17. According to a new study, the average American family spends at least 10% of their yearly income on child care. And, in a related story, Casey Anthony just bought a new Bentley.

18. A Chinese monk, who died four years ago, is now being given the highest honor by his temple. So it’s either full and complete enlightenment or a jet-ski.

19. Earlier this week, to protest the judges’ decision to not award the Olympic bronze medal to his wrestler, a Mongolian wrestling coach striped down to his underwear. It was the most overtly homoerotic thing to take place at the wrestling pavilion since the previous match.

20. A 42-year-old Indian man had surgery to remove 40 knives from his stomach after he had an “uncontrollable urge” to eat the cutlery. “I bet all he needed was a spoon,” said Alanis Morrisette.

July 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new NBC poll, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has 0% support among African American voters in Ohio. And, if anyone knows something about zero black people, it’s NBC:

2. Last night was the 500th episode of “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.” Fallon credits his show’s success to fun bits, positive, inclusive humor and not having Jay Leno as a lead-in.

3. According to reports, today Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump will name Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his vice presidential running mate. Upon hearing the news:
Christie Trump Tower

4. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he is looking for a vice president who has the skills and experience that he lacks. So the question becomes, where do you find a likable, mute who doesn’t want to bone his own daughter?

5. The Center for Disease Control is collecting semen from hundreds of men in the U.S. to determine how long the Zika virus lasts in bodily fluids. Scientists will gather the hundreds of semen samples by taking a mop onto the G train.

6. A new study concludes that humans are still evolving. The study was conducted anywhere but the South.

7. The Republican Party will declare internet pornography a “public health crisis” when its platform is revealed next week at the convention. Still cool with guns though.

8. A woman was arrested last week for threatening to kill famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. “Back off, I got this,” said Mother Nature.

9. In a recent interview, President Obama said he dreams of opening a t-shirt shop in Hawaii once his term in office is through. And you thought Obama had problems making a deal with Putin before:

10. A selection of outfits worn by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth has gone on display at Buckingham Palace as part of an exhibition marking the monarch’s 90th birthday. Unfortunately, it seems like they didn’t leave the Queen with a lot of options in her closet:

11. President Obama joined Hillary Clinton at a campaign rally in North Carolina last week, telling voters he was ready to “pass the baton” to his former secretary of state. Which is odd because, when it comes to track and field, Hillary always struck me more as a shot-putter:
shot put

12. Last week, the Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the Ku Klux Klan is legally allowed to adopt a highway. Which explains why, after being re-tarred, the 505 was also covered in feathers.

13. While testifying before Congress regarding Hillary Clinton’s emails, FBI director James Comey revealed that former General David Petreaus hid documents in the insulation of his attic while being investigated. Said Mrs. Clinton, “That’s crazy, I’d never do that because, in order to make room for the docs, I’d have to move Vince Foster’s body.”

14. Last week, Texas Senator Ted Cruz accepted an invitation from former rival Donald Trump to speak at this month’s Republican National Convention. As a result, the convention has been moved from Cleveland to here:
skull island

15. The world’s oldest male twins, Pieter and Paulus Langerock of Belgium, turned 103 last week. The brothers made a wish, blew out their candles, saw the other one was still alive and said in unison, “my wish didn’t come true.”

16. Lawyers for Gretchen Carlson, who is suing Fox News boss Roger Ailes for sexual harassment, say Ailes is the “Bill Cosby of media.” Said Cosby, “That’s not fair, I was on TV too.”

17. An Ambulance driver in Virginia got lost on the way to the hospital while transporting a dying man. Luckily he knew exactly how to get to the morgue.

18. More than 3,000 people stripped naked and were painted blue on Saturday in the U.K. to be part of a mass human artwork. “This is my nightmare,” said Gargamel.

19. A fan got punched in the face by a rider during the eighth stage of the Tour de France. That’s crazy, there’s a fan of bike riding?

20. There has been an increase in the amount of whale sightings in the waters near New York City, including the East River. Experts attribute the uptick to whales not paying off their gambling debts.