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April 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Actress Salma Hayek’s husband, French billionaire François-Henri Pinault, pledged almost $113 million to rebuild Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. And, considering his tastes, I assume the rebuilt church will be extremely top-heavy.

2. McDonald’s said on Wednesday that it is partnering with AARP to help attract workers who are aged fifty or above. Proving that it’s never too late in life to completely give up. 

3. A bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. They will also sell cakes to celebrate unsuccessful ones:

4. President Trump reportedly refers to his daughter Ivanka as ‘baby’ in official meetings. He also has nicknames for his sons, he calls Don Jr. “who?” and Eric “tell him I’m busy.” 

5. Kohl’s announced on Tuesday that it will accept Amazon customers’ order returns for free, even without the shipping box. It’s all part of Kohl’s new motto: “We’ll take whatever shit you got lying around.” 

6. According to reports, President Trump gave South Korean President Moon Jae-in a message to relay to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. And there’s at least a 50% chance Trump gave Moon that message because he thought he was Jong Un.

7. This week, lawyers for Robert Kraft, who has been charged with soliciting and paying for sex, tried to block the release of an uncover video of the New England Patriots owner. Which is confusing because I thought Kraft was always in favor of a full release.

8. President Trump is expected to travel to Japan next month to attend the final day of the country’s summer Grand Sumo Tournament. Where I assume he will ask for a few weight loss tips.

9. During a town hall that was aired on Fox News, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders called President Trump “a pathological liar.” Said Trump, “Well, if it’s on Fox News.”

10. A five-year-old Michigan boy called 911 to order McDonald’s and the police decided to bring it to him. And, just like that, President Trump has his next Medal of Freedom recipient.

11. Over the weekend, President Trump took to Twitter to proclaim that he has never been happier. Never, really?:

12. An article written by Stephen Moore, one of President Trump’s picks to serve on the Federal Reserve Board, has surfaced in which Moore asked if there was any area in life “where men can take vacation from women. “Yes, it’s called prison,” said Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, and Michael Cohen.

13. Henry Bloch, who helped build tax preparation company H&R Block into a leading force in business, died Tuesday at the age of 96. He is survived by his wife and three good-for-nothing dependents.

14. On Tuesday, a man set a new world record by playing 420 holes of golf in 24 hours. Even more impressive, he still found time in between holes to tweet:

15. PepsiCo is suing four farmers in India for copyright infringement, claiming they were growing a variety of potatoes trademarked by the company. Not to be outdone, Coke is suing the concept of time for slander.

September 28, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, tennis superstar Serena Williams said her new baby daughter helped her recover from her recent U.S Open loss. “Really? Can we borrow your baby,” said the New York Jets.

2. North West, the 5-year-old daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West, walked her first fashion show runway over the weekend. Sounds like she got her fashion sense from her dad and her ability to get on stage and not say something stupid from her mom:

3. New York’s attorney general on Monday said lawyer review website Avvo had agreed to reform its rating system and improve disclosures after a probe revealed shortcomings in how it presented information to consumers seeking to hire lawyers. I don’t know, seems pretty helpful to me:

4. In an interview this week, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh admitted that he was a virgin throughout high school. In response, Ruth Bader Ginsburg called Kavanaugh “a fucking loser.”

5. HBO said on Thursday it will be dropping boxing from its programming schedule, ending a 45-year association with the sport. But fans of boxing shouldn’t be worried, HBO also announced an upcoming concert series with Chris Brown.

6. The Paris prosecutor’s office on Wednesday opened an investigation into a little known French rapper who shot to social media fame with a video called “Hang white people”. But, if you think about, isn’t that the subtitle of every Macklemore song too? 

7. Korean boy band BTS spoke at the United Nations this week. Marking the first time a pop-band has addressed the General Assembly since N’SYNC backed up Boutros Boutros-Ghali:

8. This week Arby’s announced that it is buying Sonic for $2.3 billion. Which equates to one dollar for every commercial on TV right now:

9. On Tuesday, a room full of world leaders at the U.N. laughed during Donald Trump’s speech when the president lavished praised on himself. Although Trump should be used to getting laughed at since he’s been roasted on Comedy Central, is made fun of nightly on talk shows, and has taken his pants off in front of real live women before.

10. A two-seater convertible car owned by Marilyn Monroe is going up for auction in November. It is expected to fetch much more than James Dean’s car.

11. This week the Secret Service unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009, which is filled with a wide range of medical supplies including a refrigerator full of President Trump’s blood type. Big deal, I’ve seen limos with mini-fridges full of Diet Coke before too. 

12. The NHL is investigating Philadelphia Flyers forward Jori Lehtera after a Finnish news outlet reported he was questioned by police in his native Finland about his involvement in a cocaine ring. They may also want to question this guy:

13. A Silicon Valley start-up called Ambrosia is looking into opening a clinic in Manhattan where people over the age of 35 could be injected with the blood of younger people to help increase their vitality. Although, if you’re interested in other people’s fluids, may I suggest the subway. 

14. According to reports, Bronx rapper Cardi B is in talks to perform with Maroon 5 at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. So, at least someone from New York will be there:

15. President Trump was so late to his scheduled speech at the U.N. on Tuesday, that the President of Ecuador had to take his spot. Which, I’m hoping means, that whoever the hell that guy is, is now our president.

16. This week ‘Saturday Night Live’ announced the addition of a new cast member, Ego Nwodim. So congratulations Ms. Nwodim and my condolences to SNL announcer Daryl Hammond. 

17. Chick-fil-A surprised a Florida man on his 100th birthday with free food for life. Because there’s nothing better for the heart of an elderly man who likes fried food than surprises.

18. This week, a kangaroo got loose from a Florida animal reserve and wandered the streets of a residential community. Said every Floridan, “Do you see that kangaroo too, or is the meth just really good?”

December 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The Trump administration has told agencies within the Department of Health and Human Services to avoid using certain words or phrases in official documents, including ‘diversity,’ ‘transgender’ and ‘science-based.’ But Trump more than anyone should know ignoring something and not calling it by name won’t make it go away:eric trump1

2. An extensive review of research on exercise, nutritional supplements, drugs and brain-training techniques concludes there is no definitive evidence that any of them protect against dementia. Also, twelve Diet Cokes a day isn’t helping either.

3. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents, with robotic George Washington introducing him. Washington’s exact words are, “Get a load of this asshole.”

4. Roy Moore, who has still not conceded his loss in the Alabama Senate race, is asking supporters for $75,000 to investigate “voter fraud.” Seems like someone should tell Roy that it’s not voter fraud, black people are allowed to vote.

5. Singer Lady Gaga announced on Wednesday that she will stage a nightly show at the MGM hotel in Las Vegas for the next two years. “Word of advice,” said fellow Las Vegas resident Roy, “leave your meat suit at home”: roy gaga

6. A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby girl from an embryo that was frozen twenty-four years ago. That means that newborn baby is also somehow 24-years-old and thus legal, or, as it’s otherwise known, Roy Moore’s perfect woman.

7. The White House announced that President Trump will undergo a physical examination early next year and the results will be released to the public. “I can’t wait to see that,” said everyone but the doctor.

8. A California couple was arrested on Tuesday for trying to sell their own kids for drugs. “That’s ambitious,” said President Trump: white house

9. According to a newly released poll, Hillary Clinton’s favorability rating has hit a new low of 36%. Man, at this rate, she’s never gonna win the 2016 presidential election.

10. A federal judge ruled on Monday that President Trump’s administration must allow access to abortion for two pregnant teenagers who are in the country illegally. Or, as the Trump administration spun it, good news, there will be two less illegal immigrants in this country.

11. Cincinnati Bengals rookie running back Joe Mixon bought $200,000 worth of jewelry before he was drafted. Because, if you’re a Bengal and want a ring, you’re gonna have to buy it.

12. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Said the studio exec who green-lit the movie, “I’m trying to get fired.”

13. On Tuesday, ‘Variety’ reported that Nick Cannon will write and direct a movie about women’s basketball entitled “She Ball” co-starring Chris Brown. Great news for anyone who loved ‘Juwanna Mann’ but always wished it was somehow worse.

14. The new Donald Trump robot was unveiled this week at Disney’s Hall of Presidents. Unfortunately the robot keeps trying to get the women who work at Epcot’s Russia pavilion to go on ‘Splash Mountain’ with him.

15. On Wednesday, Catt Sadler, co-host of two shows on E!, left the company after twelve years after she learned that E! was paying her half as much as her male co-host. Congratulations to Sadler who now earns the same amount of money as a male host, unfortunately that male host is Billy Bush.

16. This week, Major League Soccer announced that a new expansion team has been awarded to the city of Nashville. So, if you were looking for a reason to visit Nashville, keep looking.

17. People are suggesting that the logo for the 2018 World Chess Championship resembles two people having sex. Begging the question, if you know what sex looks like, what are you doing at a chess championship?

18. In a cabinet meeting on Wednesday, Vice President Mike Pence praised Donald Trump every 12.5 seconds for three minutes straight. Pence would have kept going, but Trump had already climaxed by then.

November 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week in Germany, movie-goers were forced to evacuate a theater after a man tried to open a beer with pepper spray. When asked if he was crying because he was exposed to the pepper spray, one man said, “No, I’m crying because I spent $15 to see Johnny Depp in ‘Murder on the Orient Express.’”

2. According to reports Osama bin Laden spent the last years of his life arguing with people in the comments section of YouTube who claimed 9/11 was an inside job. Ah, the comments section of YouTube, a place where Osama bin Laden is only the fourth or fifth worst person.

3. China’s drug control agency disputed President Trump’s claim that most of the synthetic drug fentanyl at the heart of the U.S. opioid crisis is produced in China. Said Trump, “Okay, but I’m not letting you off the hook for the pee-pee in the Coke thing.”

4. President Trump’s attempt to make an unannounced visit to the border separating North and South Korea was aborted on Wednesday after dense fog prevented his helicopter from landing. In unrelated news, Melania was seen on the White House’s North Lawn setting up multiple fog machines.

5. Last week, Actress Lindsay Lohan tweeted at President Trump saying they should meet while he’s in Asia. And, if Trump has any sense of humor, he’ll make Pence attend that meeting all alone.

6. A man was arrested near the White House on Monday. But, on the plus-side, that’s less than last week:

7. When asked in a recent interview about all the open positions in the State Department, President Trump said, “I’m the only one that matters.” Which is also how he signs his kid’s birthday cards:

8. While speaking in Japan last week, Ivanka Trump called for the end to harassment of women in the workplace. “What about on buses?” asked her father.

9. According to a new poll, 59% disapprove of Trump’s handling of the presidency, the worst of any president at nine months in office since modern polling began. It’s the worst rating a Trump has received after just nine months since Eric was born.

10. Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman to win the New York City Marathon in 40 years on Sunday. Flanagan was able to maintain a blistering pace because right behind her was the eventual second place finisher, Harvey Weinstein.

11. Actor Alec Baldwin claims that he was told that Melanie Trump likes his impression of her husband on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Specifically the part where she can mute him.

12. According to reports, President Trump urged his CIA Director Mike Pompeo to meet with former NSA-employee William Binney who circulated the debunked theory that the leak of Democratic Party emails last year was an inside job rather than a Russian cyberattack. That story again, Mike Pompeo met with a paranoid, conspiracy theorist and also William Binney.

13. The country of Indonesia plans to launch a new automated system to help block websites displaying content such as pornography or extremist ideology. That story again, Indonesia will no longer have the internet.

14. A noted Filipino artist is creating an action figure of President Donald Trump. And bad news ladies, it’s gonna have king-fu grip:

15. While speaking in China this week, President Trump said, “Don’t blame China. Who can blame a country for being able to take advantage of another country for the benefit of their citizens.” Adding, “Especially when Hillary Clinton is still around to blame.”

16. A substitute teacher at a Virginia school was charged with being drunk in public this week after students found him passed out at his desk. That story again, a substitute teacher was arrested for doing his job.

17. During a round of golf, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe fell into a sand bunker but his playing partner, President Trump, didn’t seem to notice. Which isn’t surprising since Trump doesn’t seem to be aware that Eric’s head has been stuck in a staircase at Trump Tower for the past three years:

18. On Wednesday, police in Pennsylvania arrested a man who showed up to a local school intoxicated wanting to vote the day after the election. And it must have been one hell of a hangover because he showed up wanting to vote for Jimmy Carter.

19. President Trump’s long-time confidant Keith Schiller privately testified that he rejected a Russian offer to send five women to Trump’s hotel room during a 2013 trip to Moscow. Said Trump, “What am I going to do with five women? I only have two grabbing hands.”

20. The producers of the completed but unreleased Hollywood film “All the Money in the World” have chosen to remove Kevin Spacey from the movie, recast his role and reshoot his scenes following sexual misconduct allegations against the actor. And, in a sign of just how unpopular Spacey is now, they are replacing him with Jar Jar Binks.

April 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In her new tell-all book, Caitlyn Jenner said she knew that O.J. Simpson was guilty. When told of the comment, O.J., who has been in jail for the past ten years, said, “Bruce did what!?!”

2. According to a new study, exposing babies to puppies may help them accumulate two types of bacteria that are associated with a lower risk of allergies and obesity. Unless the baby is Chinese, then introducing them to dogs usually leads to obesity.

3. According to an in-depth report by ‘Esquire,’ President Trump has a button he presses to tell a butler to bring him a Coke. So there’s a greater than zero percent chance that we accidentally nuke North Korea because Trump is thirsty:

4. While speaking at the National Holocaust Museum in D.C. on Tuesday, President Trump mispronounced the word ‘Nazis.’ “That’s ridiculous, I know we covered that during our elocution lessons,” said Steve Bannon:

5. On Wednesday, Amazon unveiled a voice-controlled camera, the Echo Look, and an app that recommends which of two outfits is the best using fashion specialists and algorithms. “Um, ss there a third option?” asked Miley Cyrus’s Echo Look:

6. On Monday, astronaut Peggy Whitson set the world record for most cumulative days in outer space at 523 days. That story again, there is a woman who has spent a longer time farther away from Donald Trump than Melania.

7. In a recent interview, President Trump admitted that he only called NATO obsolete because he didn’t know much about the organization. Which explains why he constantly refers to Tiffany as ‘obsolete.’

8. According to a new report, the Secret Service does not allow President Trump to travel in his own, personal helicopter. Although, it seems like pretty good policy for Trump to avoid helicopters altogether:

9. Police in Florida were able to locate and arrest a woman with an outstanding warrant after she posted a live Facebook video feed from a local Chuck E. Cheese. Further proof that Chuck E. Cheese is a rat.

10. According to reports, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol plans to install facial recognition technology at all airports. Although there’s a chance after you fly United even a computer won’t be able to recognize you:

11. According to a new survey, both men and women agree that the C-cup is the perfect bust size. Although, someone should tell Trump it only applies to women:

12. A new survey found that 1 in 5 adults in the U.K. don’t know how to change a lightbulb or boil an egg. While 5 in 5 adults in the U.K. don’t know how to brush their teeth.

February 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A porn website is holding auditions to find a Donald Trump look-alike to star in upcoming videos. Which, I guess means, they’ve already found their Putin.

2. French presidential candidate Jean-Luc Melenchon has been utilizing a holographic version of himself to make appearances on the campaign trail. Said President Trump, “Can you send one of those to my daily intel briefings?”

3. “The New York Times” is reporting that Trump White House aids hold meetings in the dark because they can’t figure out how to operate the light switches. The fact that people in the White House can work a light switch makes me hopeful that, even with his finger on the button, Trump won’t know how to use.

4. The Kremlin said on Monday it wanted an apology from Fox News after host Bill O’Reilly called Russian President Vladimir Putin “a killer.” Although, the Kremlin may have defeated their purpose when they ended their demand with “or else.”

5. The jersey Tom Brady wore during the SuperBowl, which experts estimate may be worth half a million dollars, has gone missing. “Half a million dollars?!? Find that damn kid!” said Mean Joe Greene:
joe-greene

6. Fox Television’s broadcast of Super Bowl LI on Sunday night drew 111.3 million viewers, according to Nielsen data released by the network on Monday. Actually, it was 111,300,004 viewers if you count the Atlanta secondary.

7. Facebook has launched a campaign to crack down on fake news in France, ahead of the country’s presidential election later this year. “Great timing!” said Hillary screaming into a pillow.

8. According to a South Korea news agency, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has fired his spy chief, Kim Won Hong. Not surprisingly, right before Jong-Un told Won Hong he was fired he said “ready, aim.”

9. Last week, retailer Neiman Marcus stopped carrying Ivanka Trump’s jewelry line in their stores. The last time someone got rid of some Trump jewelry that quickly Marla Maples was looking for a divorce attorney.

10. A German tourist attraction that features miniature models of various parts of the world has put up a wall around the United States, in a dig at President Donald Trump’s plan to build a border wall with Mexico. Although joke’s on you, Trump loves the model because it makes his hands look huge.

November 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, the louder a howler monkey is, the smaller his testicles are. Which checks out, because Trump never said anything about the size of his balls.

2. A British Airlines pilot has been suspended after pictures emerged that appear to be of him pleasuring himself while wearing women’s stockings at the controls of a plane. Said the pilot, “No please, call me Shirley.”

3. Scientists have developed a Viagra mouth spray that works within seconds. Which explains why you grandpa’s breath is so fresh and your grandma looks so tired.

4. A new study found that chubby fathers live longer and are more attractive to the opposite sex than their skinner counterparts. Proving conclusively that Trump University is still conducting studies.

5. A 73-year-old man intentionally drove his 1980 Audi into a pool filled with 12,000 liters of Coca-Cola in an effort to rid his car of rust. “My beautiful pool!!!” yelled Chris Christie.

6. An Italian doctor claims to have invented an ice cream that can enhance sporting performance. It comes in three flavors: Rocky Roid, Cookies and Cream and the Clear, and Needle in the Butter Pecan.

7. The Supreme Court agreed on Friday to take up a case concerning a transgender high school student in Virginia who is seeking to use the boys’ bathroom at school. Said the kid, “Please, hurry!!!”:
pe

8. According to a new study, women are more likely to cheat on their partners if their mothers cheated as well. They are also more likely to slightly resemble the mailman.

9. On Monday, in response to the FBI reopening its investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump thanked Clinton aide Huma Abedin’s estranged husband Anthony Weiner. Because if we know one thing about Donald Trump, it’s that he’s not gonna thank someone named Carlos Danger.

10. A federal judge on Thursday blocked abortion restrictions in Alabama that limit how close clinics can be to public schools. Because there’s no better advertisement for abortion clinics than being close to a school.

March 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Wednesday night, a mountain lion breached a 9-foot fence at the Los Angeles Zoo and mauled a koala bear. Said the bears relatives, “You hear about violence, but you never expect it to happen in a gated community like this.”

2. Former presidential candidate Ben Carson is expected to endorse Donald Trump at a press conference today. Although the brain surgeon’s endorsement seems unnecessary since I’m pretty sure anyone with a brain injury is already voting for Trump.

3. On Thursday, a suspicious substance was found at the Houston campaign headquarters of Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz, but was later determined to be non-toxic. And, since Cruz was at the headquarters at the time, the substance was the only thing there non-toxic.

4. A Toshiba humanoid robot named Chihira Kanae is greeting visitors to the world’s biggest travel fair in Berlin this week. Event organizers initially wanted German people to do the job but ultimately decided to go with something less robotic.

5. According to a new study, women around the world are leaving hospitals too soon after giving birth. “But if I hang around, they’re gonna want to give me that baby,” said Casey Anthony.

6. Ray Tomlinson, the man widely credited as the creator of email, died on Sunday at the age of 74. His funeral is expected to be a small affair, attended by just friends, family and a handful of Nigerian princes.

7. On Saturday Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said repeatedly, during a rally that he would seek to “broaden” the laws to allow torture. Which means, if successful, in the future, everyone will be married to Donald Trump for fifteen minutes.

8. Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton on Friday said that as the Chinese economy slows, China will engage in more damaging global trade practices. Saying, “Let us not forget about what they put in our Coke.”

9. A Facebook executive who spent 24 hours in a Brazilian jail this week said authorities treated him with respect. More specifically, they kept the poking to a minimum.

10. A farm in Ohio has the words “No Trump” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by planes flying overheard. Making it the second Trump to be made up entirely of bullshit.

February 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Some people are calling for a boycott of Beyonce because her Superbowl halftime back-up dancers were dressed like Black Panthers. Because, as Cam Newton showed, black panthers aren’t supposed to show up for the Superbowl.

2. On Wednesday, the WNBA named former Atlanta city council president and current Coca-Cola executive Lisa Borders its next president. Presumably because Borders was the last one to say “not it.”

3. This week, during a campaign stop, a New Hampshire bar offered Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio what they called a Marco Rubio burger. They call it that, because, after you eat it, it repeats on you.

4. On Wednesday, comedy website Funny or Die released a 50-minute spoof movie ‘based’ on Donald Trump’s “Art of the Deal” book in which actor Johnny Depp plays Trump. Luckily, the star of Edward Scissorhands, has ample experience playing monsters.

5. Red Lobster is reporting that its sales are up 33% percent from this time last year following their mention in Beyonce’s new single “Formation.” While the makers of Wonder Bread claim it has been a record year for the white bread industry due to Macklemore.

6. This year’s Oscars gift bag will reportedly contain a $300 credit for personalized M&M candies. Of course, personalized Oscar M&Ms just means there won’t be any brown ones.

7. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former business executive Carly Fiorina ended their presidential campaigns on Wednesday. Meaning the next Republican debate will have two less candidates and three less podiums.

8. According to a new study, people who are out of shape in midlife may end up with smaller brain volume as they age compared to peers who exercise regularly. That story again, Rush Limbaugh is somehow gonna get stupider.

9. A man in Florida was arrested for allegedly throwing an alligator through a drive-thru window. Or, as it’s known in Florida, filling a formal complaint.

10. Yesterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ended his presidential campaign. Which means, at the next Republican debate, everyone will know the moderator is talking about the GOP mascot when she mentions “the elephant in the room.”

April 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was found guilty of first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without parole. So now it’s just a waiting game to see if NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspends him for one or two games.

2. A Japanese artist, on trial for obscenity after making objects modeled from her vagina, said on Wednesday that there was nothing wrong with her artwork, except maybe the smell.

3. Police in Pennsylvania said on Tuesday that the tombstone of Hillary Clinton’s father had been knocked over in a possible case of vandalism days after she announced her presidential bid. Or, as FoxNews reported it, Hillary’s father is rolling over in his grave over the latest Benghazi reports.

4. In a recent interview, Jerry Sheindlin, husband of TV’s Judge Judy, said his wife is terrific in bed. After which the interviewer had to take a 30 minute recess to finish puking.

5. During a Q&A session on Tuesday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said he spends 50 to 60 hours a week working. “That seems low,” said the average American worker, “I easily spend 70 to 80 hours a week on Facebook.”

6. According to a new poll, men are twice as likely to buy the new Apple Watch than women. Said such men, “What’s a woman?”

7. After a 28-year partnership with Coca-Cola, the NBA has signed a new sponsorship deal with Pepsi under which Mountain Dew will become the league’s official soft drink. Which, I assume, is a pretty ingenious way to try to sterilize the players.

8. ‘Fast & Furious 7’ has made over $500 million at the box office. Oh, sorry, I should have used the movie’s full title ‘Fast & Furious 7: The Unexpected Virtue of the Audience’s Ignorance.’

9. During a news conference on Saturday, President Obama said that Hillary Clinton would be an “excellent president.” But, keep in mind, he also thought he’d be good at it too.

10. New York City firefighters used a rope-and-pulley system on Friday to move a 700-pound man from his sixth-floor apartment to an ambulance. There were some tense moments during the ordeal, but none as scary as everyday life for the man who lives in the apartment beneath him.