February 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A porn website is holding auditions to find a Donald Trump look-alike to star in upcoming videos. Which, I guess means, they’ve already found their Putin.

2. French presidential candidate Jean-Luc Melenchon has been utilizing a holographic version of himself to make appearances on the campaign trail. Said President Trump, “Can you send one of those to my daily intel briefings?”

3. “The New York Times” is reporting that Trump White House aids hold meetings in the dark because they can’t figure out how to operate the light switches. The fact that people in the White House can work a light switch makes me hopeful that, even with his finger on the button, Trump won’t know how to use.

4. The Kremlin said on Monday it wanted an apology from Fox News after host Bill O’Reilly called Russian President Vladimir Putin “a killer.” Although, the Kremlin may have defeated their purpose when they ended their demand with “or else.”

5. The jersey Tom Brady wore during the SuperBowl, which experts estimate may be worth half a million dollars, has gone missing. “Half a million dollars?!? Find that damn kid!” said Mean Joe Greene:
joe-greene

6. Fox Television’s broadcast of Super Bowl LI on Sunday night drew 111.3 million viewers, according to Nielsen data released by the network on Monday. Actually, it was 111,300,004 viewers if you count the Atlanta secondary.

7. Facebook has launched a campaign to crack down on fake news in France, ahead of the country’s presidential election later this year. “Great timing!” said Hillary screaming into a pillow.

8. According to a South Korea news agency, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has fired his spy chief, Kim Won Hong. Not surprisingly, right before Jong-Un told Won Hong he was fired he said “ready, aim.”

9. Last week, retailer Neiman Marcus stopped carrying Ivanka Trump’s jewelry line in their stores. The last time someone got rid of some Trump jewelry that quickly Marla Maples was looking for a divorce attorney.

10. A German tourist attraction that features miniature models of various parts of the world has put up a wall around the United States, in a dig at President Donald Trump’s plan to build a border wall with Mexico. Although joke’s on you, Trump loves the model because it makes his hands look huge.

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