February 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Some people are calling for a boycott of Beyonce because her Superbowl halftime back-up dancers were dressed like Black Panthers. Because, as Cam Newton showed, black panthers aren’t supposed to show up for the Superbowl.

2. On Wednesday, the WNBA named former Atlanta city council president and current Coca-Cola executive Lisa Borders its next president. Presumably because Borders was the last one to say “not it.”

3. This week, during a campaign stop, a New Hampshire bar offered Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio what they called a Marco Rubio burger. They call it that, because, after you eat it, it repeats on you.

4. On Wednesday, comedy website Funny or Die released a 50-minute spoof movie ‘based’ on Donald Trump’s “Art of the Deal” book in which actor Johnny Depp plays Trump. Luckily, the star of Edward Scissorhands, has ample experience playing monsters.

5. Red Lobster is reporting that its sales are up 33% percent from this time last year following their mention in Beyonce’s new single “Formation.” While the makers of Wonder Bread claim it has been a record year for the white bread industry due to Macklemore.

6. This year’s Oscars gift bag will reportedly contain a $300 credit for personalized M&M candies. Of course, personalized Oscar M&Ms just means there won’t be any brown ones.

7. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former business executive Carly Fiorina ended their presidential campaigns on Wednesday. Meaning the next Republican debate will have two less candidates and three less podiums.

8. According to a new study, people who are out of shape in midlife may end up with smaller brain volume as they age compared to peers who exercise regularly. That story again, Rush Limbaugh is somehow gonna get stupider.

9. A man in Florida was arrested for allegedly throwing an alligator through a drive-thru window. Or, as it’s known in Florida, filling a formal complaint.

10. Yesterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ended his presidential campaign. Which means, at the next Republican debate, everyone will know the moderator is talking about the GOP mascot when she mentions “the elephant in the room.”

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