Tag Archives: Sonic

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

September 28, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, tennis superstar Serena Williams said her new baby daughter helped her recover from her recent U.S Open loss. “Really? Can we borrow your baby,” said the New York Jets.

2. North West, the 5-year-old daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West, walked her first fashion show runway over the weekend. Sounds like she got her fashion sense from her dad and her ability to get on stage and not say something stupid from her mom:

3. New York’s attorney general on Monday said lawyer review website Avvo had agreed to reform its rating system and improve disclosures after a probe revealed shortcomings in how it presented information to consumers seeking to hire lawyers. I don’t know, seems pretty helpful to me:

4. In an interview this week, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh admitted that he was a virgin throughout high school. In response, Ruth Bader Ginsburg called Kavanaugh “a fucking loser.”

5. HBO said on Thursday it will be dropping boxing from its programming schedule, ending a 45-year association with the sport. But fans of boxing shouldn’t be worried, HBO also announced an upcoming concert series with Chris Brown.

6. The Paris prosecutor’s office on Wednesday opened an investigation into a little known French rapper who shot to social media fame with a video called “Hang white people”. But, if you think about, isn’t that the subtitle of every Macklemore song too? 

7. Korean boy band BTS spoke at the United Nations this week. Marking the first time a pop-band has addressed the General Assembly since N’SYNC backed up Boutros Boutros-Ghali:

8. This week Arby’s announced that it is buying Sonic for $2.3 billion. Which equates to one dollar for every commercial on TV right now:

9. On Tuesday, a room full of world leaders at the U.N. laughed during Donald Trump’s speech when the president lavished praised on himself. Although Trump should be used to getting laughed at since he’s been roasted on Comedy Central, is made fun of nightly on talk shows, and has taken his pants off in front of real live women before.

10. A two-seater convertible car owned by Marilyn Monroe is going up for auction in November. It is expected to fetch much more than James Dean’s car.

11. This week the Secret Service unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009, which is filled with a wide range of medical supplies including a refrigerator full of President Trump’s blood type. Big deal, I’ve seen limos with mini-fridges full of Diet Coke before too. 

12. The NHL is investigating Philadelphia Flyers forward Jori Lehtera after a Finnish news outlet reported he was questioned by police in his native Finland about his involvement in a cocaine ring. They may also want to question this guy:

13. A Silicon Valley start-up called Ambrosia is looking into opening a clinic in Manhattan where people over the age of 35 could be injected with the blood of younger people to help increase their vitality. Although, if you’re interested in other people’s fluids, may I suggest the subway. 

14. According to reports, Bronx rapper Cardi B is in talks to perform with Maroon 5 at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. So, at least someone from New York will be there:

15. President Trump was so late to his scheduled speech at the U.N. on Tuesday, that the President of Ecuador had to take his spot. Which, I’m hoping means, that whoever the hell that guy is, is now our president.

16. This week ‘Saturday Night Live’ announced the addition of a new cast member, Ego Nwodim. So congratulations Ms. Nwodim and my condolences to SNL announcer Daryl Hammond. 

17. Chick-fil-A surprised a Florida man on his 100th birthday with free food for life. Because there’s nothing better for the heart of an elderly man who likes fried food than surprises.

18. This week, a kangaroo got loose from a Florida animal reserve and wandered the streets of a residential community. Said every Floridan, “Do you see that kangaroo too, or is the meth just really good?”

October 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Historians in France have discovered what they believe is a nude sketch of the Mona Lisa. Even crazier, they also found a sex tape:

2. Arthur Janov, a psychotherapist known for developing primal scream therapy, has died at the age of 93. So good luck getting a moment of silence at that funeral.

3. On Tuesday, director Brett Ratner tapped actor Jared Leto to play Hugh Hefner in an upcoming biopic of the ‘Playboy’ founder. So if Hugh hadn’t died last week, this probably would have done it.

4. Comedian Nick Cannon refused to apologize Wednesday night after using offensive words during a performance at a Catholic university. The objectionable language included the f-word, the n-word and the phrase “coming to the stage next, Nick Cannon.”

5. According to reports, at a maximum-security prison in Alaska, inmates were stripped naked in front of female guards and walked around on a dog leash. “Alright, maybe I will like prison,” said Anthony Weiner.

6. According to reports, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson wanted to resign back in July, but Vice President Mike Pence convinced him to stay by giving him a pep talk. A pep talk that Pence has gotten very good at after having to deliver it daily to Melania.

7. Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi said Friday that O.J. Simpson is not welcome to relocate to Florida once he’s released from prison. So my advice to Simpson is to not move to Florida and my advice to Bondi is to not forget her glasses at a restaurant.

8. President Donald Trump reportedly called Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones four times asking him not to have the team kneel during the national anthem before their last game. Which makes this picture so much funnier:

9. In a recent poll, where respondents were asked to give a one word description of President Trump, the ten most common responses were “incompetent,” “arrogant,” “strong, “idiot,” “egotistical,” “ignorant,” “great,” “racist,” “ass” and “narcissistic.” “Man, what’s a guy got to do to get the word ‘dotard’ trending,” said Kim Jong Un.

10. Country music superstar Garth Brooks announced this week that he is writing an autobiography that will span five books. And, from the look of Brooks, I’m guessing two of the books are a recipe for rice pudding:

11. British tennis player Dan Evans has been banned from competitive play for a year after testing positive for cocaine. Authorities became suspicious after he altered his side of the court just a bit:

12. On Wednesday, the Nobel Prize in Chemistry was awarded to three scientists for their discoveries in cryoelectron microscopy. Coming in a close second was President Trump with his discovery that Puerto Rico is an island, surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

13. After being released from prison, O.J. Simpson said “nothing has changed” in his life during the nine years he spent behind bars. “You’d be surprised,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

14. In a recent interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he hasn’t decided if he will run for re-election in 2018. Or, I assume, skip the election and just declare himself the winner.

15. United Airlines just launched the shortest domestic flight that is only sixteen minutes long. But, in the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie,’ so it feels much longer.

16. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have left customers vulnerable to identity theft. Which is weird because I’ve never seen anyone eating at a Sonic and thought “man, that guy has his life together, I’d love to be him.”

17. Fast-food chain Sonic said on Wednesday a malware attack at some of its drive-in stores may have allowed hackers to access customer’s credit card information. I’m usually not in favor of identity theft, but some guys have it coming:

18. All five former living U.S. presidents will take part in a benefit concert for hurricane relief later this month. All of them agreed to participate due to their deep-seated desire to help Americans in need, except for Clinton, he just wants to meet Rihanna.

19. Last week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk predicted one day soon rockets will be able to fly people from New York to Shanghai in just 39 minutes. “Dammit, I resigned too soon,” said Tom Price.

20. A North Carolina man was arrested and charged with trying to hide marijuana in the bushes outside a courthouse before a probation hearing. “Yeah, I could have told you that’s not a good hiding spot,” said one man:

June 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Today is Mel Brooks’ 90th birthday. Or, as it is more commonly known, Jewish Christmas, the day our messiah was born.

2. Burger King has introduced a new menu item called Mac & Cheetos which is macaroni and cheese covered in Cheetos dust and deep fried. Which, coincidentally, is what Donald Trump tells his make-up girl to do to his face every morning.

3. Roy Hodgson, English soccer’s head coach, resigned on Monday following the country’s 2-1 Euro 2016 loss to Iceland. “What a baby, resigning just because something didn’t go his way,” said David Cameron.

4. For the fifth time in the past four years the A/C unit was stolen from a black history museum in St. Louis. But, in the thief’s defense, he claims he was just emancipating it.

5. A man named Ronald McDonald was shot outside of a Sonic restaurant in North Carolina last week. Said the man, “This is my nightmare.”

6. In a new interview, comedian Chelsea Handler revealed that she had two abortions when she was 16. Back then, ‘Chelsea Lately’ refer to her period.

7. British Prime Minister David Cameron resigned after England voted to leave the European Union. “Resign? Is that even allowed?” ask Queen Elizabeth.

8. On Friday, following the Brexit vote, actress Lindsay Lohan, who has taken up residence in London for a play, sent 31 tweets in two hours panning England’s decision to leave the E.U. and close off its borders. Although, I have to believe Lindsay immigrating and living in London had something to do with that vote.

9. A businessman in Geneva plans to open a café where customers can enjoy oral sex while they sip their morning coffee. Say what you will, but they will never run out of creamer.

10. A Pennsylvania man who claimed for years to have escaped from Auschwitz, met track and field star Jesse Owens and Nazi doctor Josef Mengele, confessed on Friday that he had fabricated the entire story. Who knew Brian Williams was from Pennsylvania?

November 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The creators of the Lammily Doll, a realistic version of Barbie, are offering special sticker packs which allow kids to give the dolls acne, cellulite and tattoos. As a result, the makers of the Honey Boo Boo doll are suing for copyright infringement.

2. Yesterday, Oklahoma City Thunder forward and perennial All-Star Kevin Durant signed an endorsement deal with fast food chain Sonic. “Now you’re just trying to piss us off,” said Seattle basketball fans.

3. Over 80,000 people have signed a Change.org petition to have the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting” canceled in light of what the petition calls the Duggar family’s anti-gay stance. To show that they are gay friendly, TLC has launched a new show entitled “0 Kids and Antiquing.”

4. On Thursday, federal officials recalled 4.7 million strollers after reports of amputations. Which is ridiculous, because that’s when you’re gonna need a stroller the most.

5. Several students in Bangkok have been detained in recent days after flashing the signature anti-establishment, three-fingered salute from “The Hunger Games” to express their dissatisfaction with Thailand’s military rulers. Said the students, “Would you prefer one finger?”

6. According to the New York Post, GoDaddy is planning an initial public offering next year that would value the company at $4.5 billion. But, if company spokesperson Danica Patrick is any indication, they’ll be happy with $178 and a participation trophy.

7. According to a new study, rushing to put on a condom may lead to problems that raise the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Or, at least, that’s what I’m telling every girl from now on.

8. According to a new study, the most common age in America right now is 22. Which means Charles Manson could have done better.

9. Yesterday, San Francisco announced that it will bid for the 2024 Olympic Games. “That’s perfect, I won’t even have to travel,” said every male figure skater.

10. On Thursday, the NFL announced that the game between the Jets and the Bills will be moved from Buffalo to Detroit due to the snowstorm. The game will mark the first time in history that anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “I can’t wait to get back to Buffalo.”

11. The Niagara University women’s basketball team was stranded for 24 hours on a bus that was stuck on the highway during a massive winter snowstorm in western New York on Tuesday. Players said it was scary, but also educational because now they know how people feel when they come to one of their games.

12. A man in California is under arrest after he stabbed his potential employer during a job interview. But, in his defense, he did list “not stabbing people” as one of his weaknesses.

13. Justin Bieber will reportedly spend the next two weeks with a pastor learning how to spread the word of God. Which makes me seriously reconsider my stance on priests molesting boys.

14. Civil rights leader Al Sharpton sharply denounced a New York Times report that he is subject to $4.5 million in tax liens. And Sharpton has a pretty good point, because wouldn’t he need a job in order to be required to pay taxes?

15. A Florida woman and her daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital earlier this week. Or, as they refer to it in Florida, a normal Tuesday.

16. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. Unfortunately, the coroner died of a heart attack.

17. On Friday, the U.S. government said it is spending $425 million to build two super-computers, which would be the world’s fastest, for research into basic science as well as nuclear weapons. Experts believe it will take two whole months until they are both used primarily to look at pornography.

18. During a radio interview on Sunday, President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said Liberia has set a national goal of having no new cases of Ebola by December 25. So, if you’re a Liberian Ebola patient, you may want to reconsider attending the “party” the government just invited you to on December 24.

19. Boy Band One Direction joined some of music’s biggest names on Saturday to record a new version of the Band Aid charity song to raise money to fight Ebola in Africa. So, if you thought you were bleeding from the ears before…

20. Justin Bieber has reportedly met with a Rabbi to explore Judaism. Said Jews, “Thanks, but no thanks, we don’t need to be be blamed for anything else.”

June 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Elizabeth Fechtel had to relinquish the Miss Florida crown she won on June 21 to “runner-up” Victoria Cowen after pageant officials determined there had been a tabulating mistake. “Sucks, don’t it?” said Al Gore.

2. Border patrol officials in Southern California are sending reinforcements to Texas to help deal with the surge of immigrants illegally crossing the border. “Now’s the time!” said Canada.

3. Last week, Amanda Longacre was stripped of her Miss Delaware title after pageant officials determined that she had violated the age requirement. But, on the plus-side, since you’re no longer Miss Delaware, you’re free to leave Delaware.

4. Actor Shia LeBeouf was arraigned on Friday on charges of disorderly conduct stemming from his disruptive behavior while attending a Broadway play. Which shouldn’t come as surprise because, as anyone who saw the last Indiana Jones movie can attest to, he doesn’t know how to act properly.

5. A Maryland woman who ordered a meal at a Sonic fast-food restaurant found a bag of marijuana in her French fries. But, since she made the conscious decision to go to Sonic, she was probably high to begin with.

6. A Maryland woman who ordered a meal at a Sonic fast-food restaurant found a bag of marijuana in her French fries. Even more surprising, a Taco Bell customer found actual beef in one of her tacos.

7. A California family is exasperated after a 64-year-old woman they hired as a live-in nanny stopped working and refused to move out of their home after being fired. Or, as Arnold Schwarzenegger thinks of it, a threesome.

8. A California family is exasperated after a 64-year-old woman they hired as a live-in nanny stopped working and refused to move out of their home after being fired. Said one British family, “You think that’s bad, one day, out of the blue, our nanny just up-and-left, flew away holding her umbrella.”

9. On Friday, “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane pledged up to a million dollars to the Kickstarter campaign aimed at reviving the children’s program “Reading Rainbow.” Which can only mean one thing, last week the Simpsons donated one million dollars to “Reading Rainbow.”

10. California Governor Jerry Brown on Saturday signed into law a bill that clears away possible state-level obstacles to alternative currencies like bitcoin. Said Brown, “Hey, it’s California, everything’s fake anyway.”