April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

August 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, 933 people in California set a Guinness World Record for the most people making slime. While Steve Bannon still holds the record for most slime made by one person:

2. According to new research, after sex, men can sometimes experience a myriad of confusing negative feelings, a phenomenon called post-coital dysphoria. Or, as it’s more commonly known, a case of the “I should get goings.”

3. This week Vice President Mike Pence appeared in Iowa to give a speech on taxes. The speech got off to a rough start when no one could figure which one of them was Mike Pence:

4. According to sources, Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend, former Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle, refers to him as “Junior Mint.” And, for obvious reasons, she refers to Eric as “Baby Ruth”:

5. During a speech on Wednesday, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said America “was never that great.” Spoken like a man who has been to Jersey.

6. Doctors in the U.K. found a contact lens in a woman’s eye that had been embedded there for over twenty-eight years. Said the woman, “Can you do anything about the tampon I lost thirty years ago?”

7. In her new book, former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman claims she saw President Trump eat a piece of paper after meeting with his personal lawyer. Begging the question, can you eat a tape?:

8. President Trump’s campaign has filed suit against former White House aide Omarosa Manigault Newman for allegedly violating a nondisclosure agreement. “Whahhh, nom-dusclusore agrumen?” asked Omarosa:

9. John Lennon’s son, Sean Lennon posted a selfie on Monday with Paul McCartney’s son, James McCartney. They tried to post a second selfie, but Yoko Ono’s daughter showed up and stopped it.

10. Former NBA All Star Kobe Bryant’s six million dollar investment in sports drink company BodyArmor is now reportedly worth two-hundred million dollars. “Wait, are your investments supposed to go up in value?” said the owner of the New York Knicks.

11. On Wednesday, Corey Lewandowski, President Trump’s former campaign manager, appeared on multiple TV outlets to tout the benefits of T-Mobile’s bid to acquire Sprint. It’s all part of Sprint’s plan to have a spokesperson more hated than the “Can You Hear Me Now” guy.

12. According to a new study, state laws designed to increase teen vaccination against HPV don’t appear to influence adolescents’ choices about whether to become sexually active. That study again, teenage boys still horny.

13. Magician and former “Celebrity Apprentice” contestant Penn Jillette recently claimed he heard President Trump make racially insensitive comments while on set, including the n-word. Even worse, that’s the only word that Teller says:

14. According to newly released statistics, President Trump has spent a quarter of his presidency at a Trump-branded golf resort. Even more concerning, Trump has spent the other 75% at the White House.

15. Florida Senator Bill Nelson told the Tampa Bay Times on Wednesday that Russian operatives have penetrated some of Florida’s election systems and could delete registered voters ahead of the November elections. Also deleting Florida voters from the rolls ahead of the election, this guy:

16. Director Spike Lee says he wants President Trump to see his new movie “BlacKkKlansman.” Said Trump, “You had me at ‘Klansman’ and lost me at ‘Black.’”

17. Last Friday night, President Trump had dinner with Apple CEO Tim Cook. The get-together marks the first time Trump has ever had a meal that involved any kind of fruit.

18. A chain of Detroit area gas stations is facing a lawsuit claiming they have been selling men’s Viagra without a prescription and telling them the drug is an all-natural male enhancement pill. Giving new meaning to the phrase “Fill her up.”

July 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman from Iowa pled guilty to election misconduct for attempting to cast two ballots in the 2016 presidential election for Donald Trump. Yikes, I’d hate to be the guy who has to tell Trump he actually lost the popular vote by 2,017,564 votes:

2. President Donald Trump’s son Donald Trump Jr. said on Monday he would be happy to share what he knows with the Senate Intelligence Committee. As a result, the Senate Intelligence Committee has set aside eight minutes on Wednesday to hear absolutely everything Donald Trump Jr knows. No word, on what they plan on doing with the remaining seven minutes.

3. Researchers studying a mass vaccination campaign against meningitis have found a surprising side effect, the shots also offered protection against gonorrhea. That story again, Lindsay Lohan most likely also has meningitis.

4. An ultra-Orthodox Jewish version of ‘SharkTank’ called ‘BizTank’ has launched online. The first guy in the tank had a business that repurposed used bed sheets into ghost costumes for kids:

5. Earlier this month, Amazon’s Alexa called the police after a New Mexico man beat and threatened to kill his girlfriend. “How do you unplug this thing?” said O.J.

6. When President Trump travels to Paris later this week, he will reportedly dine on blue lobster with French President Emmanuel Macron in Paris. “That’s not the color that’s supposed to be,” said someone looking at Trump.

7. A Maine woman who tuned 100 said the secret to her longevity is wine. “I’m never gonna die, bitches!” yelled Kathie Lee Gifford.

8. The Senate intelligence committee’s top Democrat said on Monday he “absolutely” wants to speak to President Donald Trump’s son about a meeting he had during the campaign last year with a Russian attorney. That enthusiasm to talk to Donald Trump Jr. can only mean one thing, he’s never talked to Donald Trump Jr before.

9. The International Olympic Committee said on Monday it is working hard to make sure North Korea takes part in next year’s Winter Olympics in neighboring South Korea. And, to that end, they have introduced a new Olympic sport, failed missile launching.

10. According to reports, the cast of MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore’ has been spotted in New Jersey filming a reunion show. Because, much like the herpes they all have, they reemerge up every couple of years.

June 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last Thursday, a man climbed a 30-foot-tall bulldozer on a crowded Miami freeway, stripped naked and masturbated in plain view during rush hour. Causing a handful of motorists to use their windshield wipers even though it wasn’t raining.

2. In a recent interview, White House aide Kellyanne Conway said that President Trump will never stop tweeting. And it’s kinda hard to argue since, apparently, he even tweeted mid-stroke:

3. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. Because you know, just like Trump, in a couple of years, he’s gonna trade it in for a newer model.

4. Though the number of American teenagers having babies has dropped over the past half century, a new study finds regional clusters with strikingly high teen birth rates. Yeah, those clusters are called the South.

5. The Olympics will reportedly add 3-on-3 basketball to the 2020 Games. And, if you think that’s interesting, LeBron’s been playing 1-on-5 basketball for years.

6. Massachusetts Institute of Technology officials said President Trump badly misunderstood their research when he cited it on Thursday to justify withdrawing the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement. But, in Trump’s defense, if they wanted him to understand it better, they should have included more pictures, preferably ones that pop-up.

7. A group of investors that includes Bob Marley’s son Damian has purchased High Times magazine for $70 million. And, if this is the first you’re hearing about the purchase, hi Damian.

8. While delivering a speech Saturday night in Iowa, Vice President Mike Pence reassured conservatives that President Trump will deliver on his campaign promise to boost the economy. Just like he built the wall … er, drained the swamp … well, there’s a first for everything.

9. On Saturday, U.S. Ambassador to the U.N., Nikki Haley, said President Trump believes in climate change. But that vote of confidence should be taken with a grain of salt because Trump also once told Eric that he believed in him as well.

10. In a new interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he hardly spoke with former U.S. National Security Adviser Michael Flynn when they sat next to each other at a Moscow dinner in 2015. “I completely understand that,” said Trump:

March 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, even if white and black men are the same heights and weights, people tend to perceive black men as taller, more muscular and heavier. Don’t believe me, this is what Shaq actually looks like:

2. Yesterday, Florida Senator Marco Rubio said rapper Snoop Dogg shouldn’t have shot a toy gun at a clown dressed up like President Trump in his newest music video. Because, apparently. the news is now sponsored by Mad Libs.

3. Former North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory, who was responsible for instituting the state’s transgender bathroom ban, says it’s hard for him to find a new job because people think he’s a bigot. Hmmm, have you considered running for president?

4. Chance the Rapper said in a recent interview that he is considering moving back in with his parents. So fuck street cred, Chance the Rapper got that cul-de-sac cred now.

5. Last month, drug enforcement agents in Florida seized 5,500 packets of heroin stamped with President Trump’s image and name. So, that makes Trump-brand heroin the second worst thing associated with Trump that you can be injected with:

6. President Donald Trump is set to sign an order to greatly reduce the role climate change plays in decision making across the U.S. government. Trump doesn’t want to take care of the environment for future generations, but, in his defense, you wouldn’t either if this is what you thought of when you heard the phrase ‘future genertions’:

7. President Donald Trump met with Saudi Arabia’s Deputy Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman at the White House on Tuesday. Where they discussed pressing issues like “How’d you get in here?” and “Secret Service patted you down first, right?”

8. A South Korean animal rights group has filed a complaint against former president Park Geun-hye for abandoning nine pet dogs in the presidential residence after being removed from office this week. And, if the group is upset about that, they’re gonna be really pissed when they find out Geun-hye had ten dogs before her last presidential dinner.

9. Iowa Representative Steve King said Monday that blacks and Hispanics “will be fighting each other” before overtaking whites in the US population. And, I imagine this is how King sees that playing out in his mind:

10. Adult entertainment site Pornhub is sending out a fleet of branded trucks to clean Boston’s streets for free today after yesterday’s snowstorm. Because, when you think about it, who knows more about plowing?

March 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pope Francis recently said that people should carry around the Bible like they do their cell phones. And, considering how many of my prayers have gone unanswered, I’m guessing the Bible and my cell phone have the same shitty reception.

2. Pope Francis recently said that people should carry around the Bible like they do their cell phones. “Finally, something more outdated I can carry around,” said Blackberry users.

3. Last week, a 95-year-old man, married to his wife for 67 years, with two children, five grandchildren and one great grandchild, came out of the closet as gay. And, I have to say, Mike Pence looks great for his age.

4. Last week, a 95-year-old man, married to his wife for 67 years, with two children, five grandchildren and one great grandchild, came out of the closet as gay. Usually when a 95-year-old man comes out of the closet it’s because he got confused while looking for the bathroom.

5. Yesterday, during a talk with workers at HUD, Ben Carson referred to slaves as ‘immigrants.’ Once again, this has been your weekly reminder that this guy used to operate on people’s brains.

6. A wedding party en route to the ceremony in Iowa ended up with the wedding photo of a lifetime when their party bus burst into flames. Said the groom, “I probably shouldn’t have asked God for a sign.”

7. A new trend has emerged of people sending postcards to the White House addressed to President Bannon. So now Trump can’t even go get the mail which was one of the last things they let him do unsupervised around the White House.

8. A Minnesota mailmen is being charged with bestiality after allegedly having sex with a dog on his route. The dog’s owners became suspicious when the dog only humped their legs on Sundays.

9. Last week in Japan, authorities discovered the body of a man underneath a massive pile of pornographic magazines. So let that be a lesson to you kids, online pornography saves lives.

10. Over the weekend, the TSA announced new pat-down procedures that federal officials describe as a more “comprehensive” physical screening. But, on the plus-side, you’ll no loner have to get a separate colonoscopy.

September 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Rumors are circulating that actors Emma Watson and Margot Robbie are set to star in an all-female remake of “Brokeback Mountain.” The current working title of the film is “The Best Movie Ever Made!”
 
2. Rumors are circulating that actors Emma Watson and Margot Robbie are set to star in an all-female remake of “Brokeback Mountain.” Which is weird because in my dreams Scarlett Johansson is there too.

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday he would consider using “stop-and-frisk” policing methods to cut crime if elected. Hell, he’s been doing it to his own daughter for years:
frisk

4. An Iowa man was arrested last night for allegedly measuring his penis with a ruler inside a college library bathroom. And, in even worse news for the man, it was so small he had to use the dewey decimal system.

5. This week, a burglar broke into a California YMCA and stole play money from a toy cash register. Police officers were able to track the man down, but were forced to let him go after he furnished one of these:
card

6. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is preparing for two Donald Trumps for the upcoming presidential debates, a disciplined Donald and a freewheeling Donald. While Trump is preparing for two Hillary Clintons, the real Hillary and her body double.
 
7. One of Vladimir Putin’s closest friends said on Thursday he believes Donald Trump will be the next president of the United States. That friend, you guessed it, Donald Trump.
 
8. An Ohio county chair for the Trump campaign resigned following an interview published Thursday, in which she suggested there was “no racism” until President Obama was elected and called the Black Lives Matter movement “a stupid waste of time.” I assume she was forced to resign because she was promoted.
 
9. A woman in Brooklyn reportedly lived with the corpse of her dead son for over a decade. Said the woman, “I had no idea he was dead, you’d think my dog would have let me know”:
dead-dog

10. A new app called Real has launched that is billed as Tinder for platonic relationships. So, even in the best case scenario, after a date, men will still go home and swipe themselves.

11. Residents have noticed that the newly introduced Canada paper money smells like maple syrup. Also smelling like maple syrup, everything else in Canada.

12. A new study has confirmed what was long suspected, that people gain weight during the holidays. So I’m guessing the Christie household is one of those homes that leaves it Christmas lights up year round.

13. Over the weekend, a woman in New York intentionally drove into oncoming traffic to avoid going to New Jersey. Although I kinda blame the state’s new motto:
jersey

14. A writer dashed past firefighters into a burning New Orleans house last week to rescue two completed novels stored on his laptop. Sounds like he has the same IT people as Hillary.

15. Apple’s new software update includes single parent emojis. And, despite recent divorce news, I think the eggplant will still be Anthony Weiner’s most used emoji.

April 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau unveiled draft legislation legalizing doctor-assisted suicide. “We could have solved a lot of problems if you had enacted this years earlier,” said Justin Bieber’s pediatrician.

2. Before Ted Cruz was a senator he defended a law that would have banned the sale of dildos. The use of fake dicks offended him because he is such a genuine dick.

3. Wednesday night CNN hosted a town hall with Donald Trump and his family. Trump said he was happy to be surrounded by loved ones, so I guess there were also mirrors on stage.

4. According to a new study, kids who are constantly sick early in childhood may have a much harder time in school than their peers who don’t have a history of chronic illness. That story again, being sick is bad, keep up the good work scientists.

5. A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. So congratulations, you’re Khloe.

6. A nearly invisible train made from semi-reflective and semi-transparent materials is scheduled to debut in Tokyo in 2018. Or, maybe it’s already debuted.

7. An Iowa man was arrested over the weekend for masturbating for three hours while riding a bus. His fellow passengers on the city bus said the scene was so gross they could barely masturbate themselves.

8. A team of sniffer dogs set up at a British airport at a cost of $1.7 million have proved adept at discovering small amounts of cheese and sausages but not so good at finding smuggled drugs. The report is kind of a mixed bag for Rob Ford. (I know he’s dead but until another fat drug addict steps forward he’s all I got)

9. According to new research, men in the top 1% of wealth can expect to live until age 87.3, nearly 15 years longer than those in the bottom 1%. Especially since men in the top 1% pay men in the bottom 1% to fight each other to the death for their amusement.

10. Bernie Sanders’ campaign announced Friday that the Democratic presidential candidate will visit Vatican City on April 15th. And, if Bernie is granted an audience with the Pope, it will be one of the few times the Pope doesn’t have the most ridiculous thing on his head.

11. Last week, a San Diego mother was asked to leave Disneyland for showing too much cleavage. When asked for a comment, Roger Rabbit said:
roger rabbit

12. Afghanistan’s version of “Sesame Street” has introduced a new six-year-old girl puppet named Zari. She will be just like all the other puppets except no one will teach her the letter of the day.

13. Last week, a 25-year-old woman in India, who thought she was pregnant with one baby, went into labor two months early and surprisingly gave birth to five babies. Good thing India doesn’t have an over-population problem.

14. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band have canceled an upcoming show in North Carolina, in response to the state’s recently enacted anti-LGBT law. Said Nickelback, “We’ve done that before. ‘LGBT’ stands for ‘Lack of General-population Buying Tickets’ right?”

15. A New Jersey Man who has been flying a Donald Trump campaign flag in his front yard may face jail time for illegally posting political signage more than 30 days before an election. The flag, much like Trump himself, is even more offensive when the winds picks up:
trump hair

16. Three castaways were rescued on Thursday after a U.S Navy aircraft spotted the word ‘help’ spelled out with palm leaves on the beach of a remote Pacific Island. “A concise and thought out plan to get off an island, what a novel idea,” said the writers of “Lost.”

17. The owners of an apartment complex in Michigan have forced all tenants to give DNA samples of their dogs so that they can determine who is not picking up after their pet. And here is an image of them scientifically collecting that data:
dog hump

18. The company that created Viagra has called off a planned merger with the company that created Botox that would have created the largest pharmaceutical company in the world. So, for the now, the largest pharmaceutical company remains Courtney Love’s medicine cabinet.

19. President Obama said the worst mistake of his presidency was a lack of foresight regarding the 2011 toppling and death of Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi. “Ditto” said Gadhafi.

20. Famed Spanish magician Sticky Vicky has retired at the age of 72. Said Vicky, “And now, for my final trick, is this your AARP card?”