Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

July 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump on Saturday promised $639 million in aid to feed people left starving because of conflict in Somalia, South Sudan, Nigeria and Yemen. Which, I assume he thinks are neighborhoods in Chicago.

2. Last week, an Oklahoma man proposed to his girlfriend as he was being arrested in his driveway on six felony warrants. Said the arresting officer, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. I’m not reading you your Miranda rights, I’m just telling you how marriage works.”

3. In a new interview, while speaking about his trip to Germany, President Trump said “It was a great G20. We had 20 countries.” Adding, “And I know that for sure, because I took off my shoes to count.”

4. Kid Rock announced on Wednesday that he is running for Senate in 2018. And though the race is still far away, we already now his opponent will be common sense.

5. A California man was caught driving a stolen vehicle on his way to make a court appearance on a previous auto theft charge. Said his buddy in the passenger who was getting a lift to his murder trial, “Please don’t look in the trunk.”

6. United Airlines destroyed a passenger’s $42,000 custom wheelchair. Said United, “Or, maybe, just maybe, we provided that customer with the necessary motivation to finally walk again.”

7. While in Paris on Thursday, President Trump looked French First Lady Brigitte Macron up-and-down and said, “You’re in such good shape.” In response, Mrs. Macron looked Trump up-and-down and said, “Nice weather we’re having.”

8. This week, New Kids on the Block singer Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Said the employees of that Waffle House, “I think we’re paying Donnie too much.”

9. New York City cops busted a crazed woman who sprayed lighter fluid all over a Duane Reade in the Port Authority early Tuesday morning. Crazed? Really? I’m calling bullshit if you’ve ever been in the Port Authority and not felt the urge to burn that place to the ground.

10. A new study found that breast implants seem to provide some protection against gunshots, altering the speed and shape of bullets as they hit the body. Although, unfortunately, no protection against hepatitis C:

11. Kentucky Fried Chicken celebrated its 30th anniversary of operations in China by unveiling a limited edition smartphone. Which means the Samsung Galaxy that unexpectedly bursts into flames is now the second worst cellphone for your health.

12. One of two baby peregrine falcons born on the University of California, Berkeley campus died Wednesday after flying into a window. Seems like that bird was more UCLA material if you ask me.

13. Rapper Ice Cube was ninety minutes late for a performance at a marijuana festival because his car broke down and he had to take an Uber to the show. Of course, since it was a weed festival, he was still the first one there.

14. Prisoner O.J. Simpson is worried that his July 20th parole hearing will be a media circus and the officials will deny his release because of the press. And at least a little bit because he killed his wife and a waiter.

15. The Dallas Cowboys are the world’s most valuable sports team, according to the annual list published by Forbes on Wednesday. While the Cleveland Browns somehow owe Forbes money.

16. Over the weekend, White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said President Trump “was a star in Hamburg and no one can take that away.” Priebus is right, I can’t think of a single time a world leader was a star in Germany and then subsequently had that title taken away from him. Not a single one.

17. Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is reportedly suing Kenneth Sack, a fan of the team and former season ticket holder. If found guilty, Sack could be sentenced to ten more years as a Marlins fan.

18. The World Health Organization is warning of a gonorrhea superbug that is quickly spreading around the globe. That story again, Russell Brand is back on the dating scene.

19. Last week, Moninda Marube, a professional long distance runner from Kenya, outran two bears while training in the woods of Maine. Actually Marube did’t outrun that bears so much as he outran his former running partner Glenn. RIP Glenn.

20. New York Senator Charles Schumer is asking the FDA to regulate a new snortable chocolate powder. “Back off Schumer, I need this!” said the Nesquick rabbit:

21. Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested in Georgia early Saturday morning on charges of disorderly conduct and public intoxication. Begging the question, do you know how drunk you have to be to be considered too drunk in Georgia?

22. On Twitter Wednesday, actor Shia LaBeouf said his racist tirade against a Georgia police officer was a “new low.” Although I’d beg to differ because I saw his performance in that ‘Indiana Jones’ movie.

23. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, that only’s because Trump insists on cuddling afterwards.

24. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, you know what they say, time flies when you’re inadvertently disclosing classified information to a foreign enemy.

25. According to a new study, unpaid family and friends provide the overwhelming majority of care to the elderly in their last years of life. Although, if they paid better, maybe it wouldn’t be the last years of their lives.

January 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Peter R. Rose, a Brooklyn police captain, apologized for remarks he made contrasting date rape with “true stranger rapes,” which he called “the troubling ones.” Staking a strong claim for worst guy named Pete Rose.

2. It is being reported that the folders displayed at Donald Trump’s press conference on Tuesday that supposedly were full of signed contracts turning his business over to his sons were actually blank sheets of paper. But, in Trump’s defense, maybe he just got the folders containing the contracts and the folders containing his plan to replace Obamacare mixed up.

3. Yesterday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted out praise for clothing company L.L. Bean. And, I think I figured why Trump is such a big fan of L.L. Bean:
wet-suit

4. Filmmaker George Lucas plans to open the Museum of Narrative Art in Los Angeles to showcase his collection of fine and popular art. No word on what he plans to do with his not so popular art:
lucas

5. Yesterday, President Obama surprised Vice President Joe Biden by holding a press conference in the West Wing to award him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, even doing the honor of placing the award around Biden’s neck. The last time a president gave a co-worker a necklace in the White House, Bill gave it to Monica and the necklace was ‘pearl.’

6. French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen was seen at Trump Tower on Thursday, but a spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump said she did not meet with him. Which can only mean one thing, there’s no tape of Trump peeing on French prostitutes.

7. Nancy Holten, a 42-year-old vegan woman who has lived in Switzerland for 30 years, has twice had her application for Swiss citizenship rejected because annoyed locals object to her “loud” opinions about animal rights. And you know she’s really bad when a country famous for staying neutral and avoiding conflict speaks up to say “I can’t stand this bitch.”

8. A mother in Louisiana said she is done having children after giving birth to a 14-pound baby. Other things she also done doing include sitting, walking and riding a bike.

9. A mother in Louisiana said she is done having children after giving birth to a 14-pound baby. But, on the plus side, her gynecologist has taken up spelunking.

10. The online classified advertising site Backpage.com abruptly shut its “adult” section on Monday, yielding to a campaign by state and federal government officials to close a service they contend promotes prostitution. So now, your mom will have to look for a new job.

11. A new study suggests that men who eat lots of red meat are much more likely to have bowel problems, pain and nausea than their peers who stick mainly with fish. But that’s just because Chipotle doesn’t sell fish.

12. A high-ranking Cardinal has complained after a McDonalds restaurant opened on Vatican owned property earlier this month, saying, “It would be better to use those spaces to help the needy of the area, spaces for hospitality, shelter and help for those who suffer.” Thus proving the Cardinal has never been to a McDonalds after 10PM.

13. According to a new study, kids born to obese parents may be more likely to experience certain developmental delays early in childhood. The study was conducted by watching one episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

14. Scientists have observed Darwin bark spiders giving each other oral sex. Which can mean only one thing, Darwin bark spiders don’t get married.

15. Every Sunday night in Washington D.C. 84-year-old Alice Donahue fronts a rock band called “Granny and the Boys.” Which is a great back up plan if you can’t get tickets to the Rolling Stones.

16. Rappers Chris Brown and Soulja Boy have decided to settle their latest ‘beef’ with a pay-per-view boxing match. I just hope, not matter who wins, they both get brain damage.

17. A new study has determined that a regular afternoon nap can help preserve and improve one’s memory. “If that’s true, I’m screwed,” said Bill Cosby.

18. On Sunday, Pope Francis encouraged women attending a baptism ceremony in the Sistine Chapel to feel free to breastfeed their children in the church. Said one man in attendance, “See, sometimes prayer does work.”

19. Over the weekend, Google unveiled it’s newest breakthrough, a self-driving minivan. Which is brilliant because no one wants to be seen driving a minivan.

20. The bathrooms at Toyko’s Nartia International Airport now offers toilet paper specifically designed to clean travelers’ smartphones. “Yeah, I’m gonna need something stronger than that,” said Anthony Weiner.

August 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was announced yesterday that swimmer Ryan Lochte will be joining the cast of the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars.” So let me be the first to congratulate the winner of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” Michael Phelps.

2. Police in Sweden have dropped sexual assault charges against a man after it was discovered that his alleged victims had “gigantic breasts.” That, or the police sketch artist really needs a girlfriend.

3. Yesterday, political commentator Ann Coulter said she has a ‘blind loyalty’ to Donald Trump, adding, “Once he gave that Mexican rapist speech, I’ll walk across glass for him.” Or, to put it more romantically, you had me at ‘Mexican rapist.’

4. On Thursday, a Washington D.C. judge ruled that jumping over the White House fence is not free speech. “Does it matter which way you’re jumping?” said President Obama.

5. Part of Kenya’s Olympic team has been stranded in Brazil after the conclusion of the games. Or more likely, the Kenyan Olympic team looked around Rio and decided not to go back to Kenya.

6. This week, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence got his haircut at an African-American barbershop in Pennsylvania. Which explains this:
pence

7. In a recent interview, a 20-year-old Brazilian student who had a one night stand with Olympic champion Usain Bolt in Rio said “he has the body of a champion although his male parts do not match.” “I’ve heard that before,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

8. This week, researchers found a train at the bottom of Lake Superior 106 years after its derailment. “So it’s not coming?” said a really, really late businessman.

9. Former “Friends” star Courteney Cox says she now regrets some cosmetic procedures she had in the past. Begging the question, is David Arquette’s middle name ‘cosmetic procedures’?

10. A Nigerian man is being charged for provoking people and “breach of peace” for naming his dog after President Muhammadu Buhari. “That’s not how you get back at that dog,” said President Obama:

11. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe showed up to Sunday night’s Olympic Closing Ceremonies dressed as Super Mario. Although, I remember Yoshi looking different:
dragon

12. Mataelpino, a small Spanish town just outside Madrid, has replaced its annual running of the bulls with an Indiana Jones-style boulder run. Although, now and days, the only stones Indiana Jones is trying to outrun are kidney.

13. Last week, Ford announced that they will start building cars with no steering wheels or pedals. They will be called the Ford No Escape.
 
14. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump apologized on Thursday for past remarks that “may have caused personal pain.” And, to show he’s serious, Trump changed all his “Sorry Jeb” signs to “Sorry, Jeb” signs.
 
15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump and his running mate toured flood-damaged Louisiana on Friday. So, if the torrential flooding hasn’t convinced you to move, that should do it.

16. NASA has announced that it will put the International Space Station up for sale hoping that a private commercial owner will take over possession of the site. One downside, the neighbors suck:
earth

17. According to a new study, the average American family spends at least 10% of their yearly income on child care. And, in a related story, Casey Anthony just bought a new Bentley.

18. A Chinese monk, who died four years ago, is now being given the highest honor by his temple. So it’s either full and complete enlightenment or a jet-ski.

19. Earlier this week, to protest the judges’ decision to not award the Olympic bronze medal to his wrestler, a Mongolian wrestling coach striped down to his underwear. It was the most overtly homoerotic thing to take place at the wrestling pavilion since the previous match.

20. A 42-year-old Indian man had surgery to remove 40 knives from his stomach after he had an “uncontrollable urge” to eat the cutlery. “I bet all he needed was a spoon,” said Alanis Morrisette.

April 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. Luckily, the Fightin’ Orangemen won’t have to change their mascot.

2. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. Although nap-time will continue to be named after Ben Carson.

3. A new study found that 60% of women in Los Angeles are single. The same study also found that 100% of women in Los Angeles are single if you tell them you’re a casting director.

4. On Tuesday, health experts warned mothers against using cow dung to heal baby umbilical cords. Begging the question, did it really take an expert to determine that?

5. A lawyer in Russia has been arrested after closed circuit video caught him eating a crucial piece of evidence against his client. “Do you mind if I take a look at that arrest warrant?” said the lawyer as he put on a dinner bib and licked his lips.

6. A Noah’s Ark themed amusement park being built in Kentucky has been granted $18 million in state tax breaks. Noah claimed his wife, his kids and 52,378 animals as dependents.

7. A man walking on the lower east side of Manhattan was punched in the face because, according to his attacker, he looked like Shia LaBeouf. But, in the attacker’s defense, it could have been Shia LaBeouf.

8. A couple ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the race’s starting line. Which is strange, because you usually have to wait until your wedding night for your nipples to bleed.

9. Ted Cruz and John Kasich have agreed to work together to prevent Donald Trump from securing the Republican nomination and, as a result, the Kasich campaign has pulled the plug on Indiana. Which, coincidentally, is the plot to the next “Indiana Jones” movie staring 73-year-old Harrison Ford.

10. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced last week that the league will move next year’s All Star Game out of North Carolina if the state doesn’t change it’s anti-LGBT law. Most teams supported the announcement, while the Philadelphia 76ers said, “The NBA has an All Star game?”

March 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Earlier this week, Marco Rubio was interrupted by a heckler at a Florida campaign rally who accused Rubio of stealing his girlfriend. Campaign officials knew that there might be trouble when someone showed up for a Marco Rubio rally.

2. On Tuesday, Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio’s campaign headquarters were evacuated after a white powder scare. While Donald Trump’s headquarters brought people in due to its white power scare.

3. A top NFL official acknowledged for the first time on Monday a link between football-related concussions and CTE, the degenerative brain condition caused by repeated blows to the head. The official cited the Cleveland Brown’s belief every year that they can win as evidence of brain damage.

4. Lesbian love story “Carol” was on Tuesday named as the top LGBT film of all time by the British Film Institute. Which can only mean one thing, the British Film Institute hasn’t done a lot of surfing on the internet.

5. Police in a central Massachusetts town are warning residents to be on the lookout for men challenging passersby to rap battles. Saying, “participating in the battle is not dangerous, just super lame.”

6. On Monday, “Star Wars” director J.J. Abrams said it was a “nightmare” to think of people watching his big-screen sci-fi adventure on a cellphone. Saying that the small-screen medium lends itself better to YouTube videos and the prequels.

7. Hollywood actor George Clooney and his international human rights lawyer wife Amal Clooney met with Syrian refugee families in Germany this week. That story again, a wife let her husband tag-along while she worked.

8. Yesterday, it was announced that actor Harrison Ford and director Steven Spielberg are teaming up to make a fifth “Indiana Jones” movie, due for release in 2019. At age 73, Ford said he is finally able to capture all the excitement associated with the state of Indiana.

9. On Tuesday, after losing the primary in his home state of Florida to Donald Trump, Senator Marco Rubio suspended his presidential campaign. So now, all that’s left to do, is awkwardly go back to Florida.

10. On Monday, former Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson explained his decision to endorse Donald Trump, saying even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” Proving that Carson doesn’t understand how a democracy or an endorsement works.

June 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Elizabeth Fechtel had to relinquish the Miss Florida crown she won on June 21 to “runner-up” Victoria Cowen after pageant officials determined there had been a tabulating mistake. “Sucks, don’t it?” said Al Gore.

2. Border patrol officials in Southern California are sending reinforcements to Texas to help deal with the surge of immigrants illegally crossing the border. “Now’s the time!” said Canada.

3. Last week, Amanda Longacre was stripped of her Miss Delaware title after pageant officials determined that she had violated the age requirement. But, on the plus-side, since you’re no longer Miss Delaware, you’re free to leave Delaware.

4. Actor Shia LeBeouf was arraigned on Friday on charges of disorderly conduct stemming from his disruptive behavior while attending a Broadway play. Which shouldn’t come as surprise because, as anyone who saw the last Indiana Jones movie can attest to, he doesn’t know how to act properly.

5. A Maryland woman who ordered a meal at a Sonic fast-food restaurant found a bag of marijuana in her French fries. But, since she made the conscious decision to go to Sonic, she was probably high to begin with.

6. A Maryland woman who ordered a meal at a Sonic fast-food restaurant found a bag of marijuana in her French fries. Even more surprising, a Taco Bell customer found actual beef in one of her tacos.

7. A California family is exasperated after a 64-year-old woman they hired as a live-in nanny stopped working and refused to move out of their home after being fired. Or, as Arnold Schwarzenegger thinks of it, a threesome.

8. A California family is exasperated after a 64-year-old woman they hired as a live-in nanny stopped working and refused to move out of their home after being fired. Said one British family, “You think that’s bad, one day, out of the blue, our nanny just up-and-left, flew away holding her umbrella.”

9. On Friday, “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane pledged up to a million dollars to the Kickstarter campaign aimed at reviving the children’s program “Reading Rainbow.” Which can only mean one thing, last week the Simpsons donated one million dollars to “Reading Rainbow.”

10. California Governor Jerry Brown on Saturday signed into law a bill that clears away possible state-level obstacles to alternative currencies like bitcoin. Said Brown, “Hey, it’s California, everything’s fake anyway.”

February 13, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A North Dakota woman who works at a local Wal-Mart got some surprising news when she discovered that a frequent shopper was her long-lost sister, separated at birth by adoption. That’s crazy, I can’t tell you how unnerving it is to think that I may be related to anyone I have ever seen at a Wal-Mart.

2. Workers at Orlando’s Walt Disney World are preparing to ask for a raise when their union contract expires later this month. Said Dopey, “No amount of whistling can make up for the crap they pay us here.”

3. According to the recently released diary of a deceased confidant of Hillary Clinton, the former First Lady kept a detailed record of her time in the White House for “revenge” purposes. “How detailed?” said Bill.

4. Eight Corvettes fell into a sinkhole that opened up beneath a section of the National Corvette Museum in Kentucky on Wednesday. Looks like the devil is having a mid-life crisis.

5. Apple is in talks with Time Warner Cable for a faster TV set-top box that could be revealed as soon as April. From my experience, two months seems like an extremely realistic estimate of when Time Warner will actually get around to replacing a cable box.

6. Comedian Sid Caesar died on Wednesday at the age of 91. First Shirley Temple, now Casear, this has not been a good week for people with food named after them. So, I guess, watch your back Arnold Palmer.

7. To add to his recent string of bizarre behavior, actor Shia LaBeouf has set up an art installation entitled #IAMSORRY at a Los Angeles gallery that is open to the public. Listen Shia, I think I speak for everyone when I say you don’t have to go to these extremes to apologize, just refund us our money from “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” and we’ll call it even.

8. A ten-year-old Norwegian boy who stole and drove his parents car into a snowy ditch, told police at the scene that he was not a kid, but, in fact, a dwarf who had forgotten his driver’s license. It’s not surprising that he crashed considering how hard it is to drive with such gigantic balls.

9. A new deadly swine flu has been found in fecal samples taken from pigs in four different Ohio farms. As a result, researchers are stressing the importance of coming up a new way to determine if pigs are sick.

10. Chick-fil-A announced plans Tuesday to use chickens raised without antibiotics in all of its restaurants within five years. Cage-free, non-antibiotic, organic chickens? You’re really sending the gay population a mixed message Chick-fil-A.

January 3, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford was first in line yesterday morning to file the necessary paperwork for his re-election bid. Although, it’s not that hard to be first in line when you didn’t go to sleep the night before.

2. Actor Shia LaBeouf used a plane to skywrite an apology to an author whose work he used without permission. So I guess I’ll keep an eye on the sky for my apology for spending money on “Indiana Jones Part 4.”

3. Residents of the northeast headed to the supermarket to stock up on food as a blizzard bears down on the region. Residents of Colorado also raided their local supermarkets, but for completely different reasons.

4. The California Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that an undocumented Mexican immigrant should be licensed to practice law in the state. Which is convenient for the immigrant, because now he can represent himself when we try to deport him.

5. A Christmas gift from Barack and Michelle Obama intended for Sasha and Malia’s godmother was delivered to the wrong suburban Chicago address on Thursday. Said President Obama, “I gave Biden one job to do, one job!”

6. Chris Gossage, the lawyer who revealed that author J.K. Rowling had used a pseudonym to write a popular detective novel, was fined $1,650 by a British court for his actions. Gossage took the punishment a step further, vowing to never again speak Rowling’s name, but instead to refer to her solely as “She who must not be named.”

7. On Thursday, a Florida man who won a contest to watch the finale of “Breaking Bad’ with its cast was arrested on charges that he ran an underground synthetic drug distribution operation. Authorities became suspicious when the man wrote off the trip as a business expense.

8. A new study suggests, parents who let their teens use electronic devices or watch TV during family meals tend to serve less nutritious foods and have poorer family communication. When asked about the findings, one family said, “Shh, I can’t hear Khloe.”

9. According to a new study, maintaining a consisted daily routine may be linked to better sleep. Unless, of course, your daily routine looks anything like Charlie Sheen’s, then you’re never going to sleep ever again.

10. A mission to put humans on Mars that drew 200,000 applicants has selected a thousand candidates who will now be tested to come up with a list of 24 finalists. That’s gotta be tough news for the other 199,000 candidates who found out they weren’t qualified enough to die on Mars.

December 9, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Willie Nelson is the latest act to cancel a concert at Orlando’s SeaWorld in the wake of the animal abuse documentary “Blackfish.” But, there’s still a good chance that Willie forgets and shows up anyway.

2. Researchers say they have observed alligators using sticks to lure in prey in the wild. No word on whether gators prefer “Come Sail Away” or “Mr. Roboto.”

3. Pope Francis ordered the formation of a team to address the sexual abuse of children in the Catholic Church, his first major steps towards tackle the crisis that has plagued it for two decades. Although, now that it’s two decades old, I have a feeling the priests are gonna lose interest in it anway.

4. On Monday, North Korea announced the dismissal of Jang Song Thaek, the uncle of leader Kim Jong Un, for what it described as a string of criminal acts including corruption, womanizing and drug abuse. And, somewhere in the world, Rob Ford crosses off “North Korea” on his list of places to visit.

5. Six men suspected of stealing dangerous radioactive cargo from a truck outside Mexico City earlier this week, have been treated at a local hospital for signs of radiation as they remain under police guard. But, it’s not all bad news, as a result of the exposure, we now have six new superheros: the Glowing-Green Mexican, His-Panic, the Gardener, El Hombre Muy Enferma, Dora the Sheer Horror and Leukemia Man.

6. On Friday, U.S. health regulators approved a new drug injection that treats a condition that causes a curvature of the penis called Peyronie’s disease. “Great, now if I get it fixed will you change the name?” said Tim Peyronie.

7. Sporting Kansas City won its second MLS Cup in dramatic fashion on Saturday, beating Real Salt Lake 7-6 in a penalty shootout. Kansas City will hold the victory parade never, because it’s soccer and no one cares.

8. NBC’s telecast of the musical “The Sound of Music” last week garnered an impressive 18.5 million viewers. Former American Idol winner Carrie Underwood’s performance as Maria received mixed reviews, but everyone agreed fellow A.I. alum Ruben Studdard nailed his role as the Alps.

9. Walt Disney has bought the rights to any future “Indiana Jones” films under an agreement with Paramount Pictures. Reportedly they have already begun work on the next film, “Indiana Jones and Temple of Room-atoid Arthritis.”

10. Republican Senator Rand Paul said on Sunday he is giving serious thought to a run for the presidency in 2016. “That’s great sir, but this is a Radio Shack and I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” said the only other person in the room.