February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

July 29, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump recently questioned efforts in communities across the country to ban plastic straws saying that plastic plates and wrappers pose a bigger threat. Although I remember a time, not that long ago, that he wasn’t that opposed to plastic: 

2. A Belgian man sat on a toilet for nearly five days this week in a bid to set a world record. That record, world’s worst roommate. 

3. New York City introduced a bill to the city council Tuesday that would bar mobile carriers from sharing people’s cell phone location data. Or, you could just switch to Sprint and then you won’t have service anywhere anyway.

4. A husband in Georgia died just twelve hours before his wife of 71 years died. Said the dead husband in heaven, “Can’t i just get one fucking day to myself?!?!” 

5. According to reports, Rudy Giuliani is serving as President Trump’s lawyer for free. And, from what I’ve seen, Trump is still being overcharged.

6. According to reports, Walmart and Nordstroms are building stores that don’t sell anything. “I guess we were just ahead of our time,” said Radio Shack.

7. The FDA has released a new anti-vaping ad that features a street magician performing a trick that turns e-cigarettes into traditional cigarettes. Although, a better way to discourage teens from vaping, would be a trick that turns a teen with an e-cigarette into a street magician.

8. Dante, a 104-year-old bar and restaurant in New York City, was named the World’s Best Bar. And, in related news, the world’s worst bar remains William:

9. Two-year-old twins joined at the head underwent successful surgery at a British hospital to separate their skulls and brains on Tuesday. Thus leaving Eric and Don Jr. as the last pair of siblings still sharing one brain.

10. Last week, the CEO of Siemens said that President Trump is becoming a symbol of intolerance. This marks the first time since the blue dress the semen has betrayed a president.

11. Last week, President Trump said he wouldn’t be watching Robert Mueller’s congressional testimony because, “you can’t take all those bites of the apple.” But, to be fair, for Trump, one bite of an apple is too many.

12. North Korean state media released images Tuesday of leader Kim Jong Un inspecting what appeared to be a submarine under construction. Not to be outdone, the White House also released a picture of President Trump inspecting a sub:

13. A Facebook-style social network was launched in Vietnam on Tuesday, following calls by the government for domestic tech companies to create alternatives to U.S. tech giants Facebook and Google. “I’m back, baby!” said Tom from MySpace.

14. After a possible suicide attempt, accused pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was found injured inside his cell on Thursday. But, much like trying to have sex with a women above the legal age of consent, Epstein couldn’t finish the act

15. Bernie Madoff is asking President Trump to commute his 150-year prison sentence. Hey Bernie, I’m no expert, but if you want to convince Trump I’d recommend showing a little contrition, admitting guilt, and using a much smaller word than ‘commute.’

16. People are speculating that 52-year old rapper Diddy is dating Steve Harvey’s 22-year-old daughter. And I have to admit, I see the resemblance:

17. Last week, a video went viral from Denver, Colorado where a bear tried to steal an entire dumpster from a marijuana dispensary. So I think we found the next Smokey the Bear.