December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

March 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump on Tuesday ordered an end to special legal status for certain immigrants from Liberia. Said Trump, “They don’t deserve special status just because they’re around books all day.”

2. President Trump announced Wednesday he will replace his Veterans Affairs Secretary David Shulkin with White House physician Ronny Jackson. Which is definitely a promotion, because any job where you no longer have to see Trump naked is a promotion.

3. Last week, President Trump said he would like to be interviewed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Adding, “As long as his first question isn’t ‘How do you spell Special Counsel’”:

4. Craigslist announced on Friday that it will no longer operate its personal ads section, the part of the website that allowed individuals to meetup. So now you’ll have to find a new way to be murdered by a stranger.

5. This week, a Patek Philippe watch once owned by Egypt’s King Farouk sold for $912,500 at a Christie’s auction in Dubai. Unfortunately that’s not a payday that President Trump can cash in on, since he doesn’t wear a watch to tell time, instead he just looks directly at the sun:

6. A New York State court on Thursday rejected Lindsay Lohan’s appeal accusing the maker of “Grand Theft Auto V” of invading her privacy, concluding that video game character that the actress said was based on her did not resemble her. The deciding factor was the character in the video game was still relevant.

7. More than 140 whales died on Friday after being stranded on a beach in Australia. And yet, somehow, that’s still not the most blubber ever spotted on the beach:

8. NASCAR was forced to postpone its scheduled race on Sunday due to snow. It is the first time NASCAR had to cancel an event because things were too white.

9. It was alleged in a recent interview, that an unnamed actress bit Beyoncé on the face. Or, as Seal calls it, the start of her career:

10. According to reports, President Trump is denying that he had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels by saying she’s not his type. Which I guess means she has a small bladder.

11. In the wake of the Story Daniels allegations, people in D.C. have reportedly taken to calling President Trump “Spanky” behind his back. Which, considering the view, is one of the nicer names you could call him:

12. On Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders suggested that President Trump hasn’t responded to Stormy Daniels claims because the president can’t respond to every allegation as “has a country to run.” Yes, clearly he’s focusing on the important issues:

13. President Trump, speaking before a crowd of union builders on Thursday in Ohio, said he’s better at being president than he was at being a builder. So if you live in a Trump building, get out quick!

14. According to inside sources, investigators probing whether Donald Trump’s presidential campaign colluded with Russia have been questioning witnesses about events at the 2016 Republican National Convention. Said Trump, “You can’t prove I was there”:

November 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, California, Massachusetts and Nevada voted to legalize recreational marijuana use. In hopes that it will help them forget about the other voting results on Tuesday.

2. Yesterday, Cardinal Pietro Parolin, the Vatican’s Secretary of State, took to Vatican radio to say that, in the wake of the U.S. presidential election, he prays that God enlightens Donald Trump. Adding, “But after Tuesday night, even I’m having second thoughts about whether God exists.”

3. It is being reported that president-elect Donald Trump is considering Rudy Giuliani for Attorney General and Newt Gingrich for Secretary of State. And, as the biggest fuck you possible, Chris Christie for Secretary of Transportation.

4. Wednesday morning, Jeb Bush took to Twitter to congratulate Donald Trump on his victory and said he and his wife Columba will be praying for the new president-elect. Although with President Trump in office and a name like Columba, maybe she should be praying for herself.
 
5. Early Wednesday morning, Donald Trump changed the bio on his official Twitter account to read “President-elect of the United States.” Presumably because ‘czar’ is always so tricky to spell.

6. Yesterday, Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said “Donald Trump heard a voice out in this country that no one else heard.” No, we heard it too, but we responded by telling our racist grandpas to “keep it down, we’re in public.”

7. During her concession speech yesterday, Hillary Clinton said, “to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt, that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams.” Unless, of course, some loudmouth, unqualified man also wants those exact same dreams, then you’re shit out of luck.

8. Egyptian President Abdel Fattah al-Sisi congratulated Donald Trump on Wednesday on his victory and said he hoped his election would unleash a new era of closer ties with Washington. Psssssttt, Abdel, let me give you a hint, don’t tell him you’re Muslim.

9. On Wednesday, Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf expressed concern about what President-elect Donald Trump’s policy toward African countries will be. Or, as Trump refers to them, the inner cities.

10. In the wake of Tuesday’s election, Omarosa said the Donald Trump has been keeping a list of all the people who didn’t support his White House bid. They know that 59,654,369 people voted for Hillary, right? That’s gonna be a pretty long list.

May 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Felix Kiprono, a lawyer living in Nairobi, Kenya has offered Barack Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats in exchange for the President’s 16-year-old daughter, Malia’s hand in marriage. That’s outrageous, that’s, at best, a Sasha offer.

2. Felix Kiprono, a lawyer living in Nairobi, Kenya has offered Barack Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats in exchange for the President’s 16-year-old daughter, Malia’s hand in marriage. “You could do a lot worse than a lawyer born in Kenya,” said Michelle.

3. A California auction house is selling an early racist drawing by Dr. Seuss for $20,000. But, in the famed author’s defense, there are only so many words that rhyme with ‘bigger.’

4. Yesterday, a molestation claim made by choreographer Wade Robson against Michael Jackson was dismissed. So Michael Jackson’s sterling reputation remains intact.

5. On Thursday, while giving a speech at the U.N., former President Bill Clinton said the CDC told him he was “officially Ebola-free” after a recent trip to Liberia. But they’re still waiting on the reports to determine which STDs Liberia caught from Bill.

6. Yesterday, it was announced that FIFA 16, the latest installment of the world’s most popular soccer video game, will feature women’s teams for the first time ever. Because the people in charge of PR for that game have the worst timing ever.

7. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the U.S. of meddling outside its jurisdiction in response to the FBI probe and arrest of several FIFA officials. Said Putin, “If you want to meddle outside your jurisdiction, first invade it and make it your jurisdiction.”

8. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Which is ironic, because when I typed their names into my computer for this joke, my spell-check exploded.

9. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Not to be confused with Gokul Venkatachalam of Kentucky and Venya Shivanshankar of Arkansas.

10. Real estate mogul and potential 2016 presidential candidate Donald Trump said he will make a major announcement on June 16. But, up until then, since he is still a private citizen, Trump hopes the media respects his wishes and covers him non-stop.

11. The Maryland “free-range” parents have been cleared of child neglect charges related to an incident in December in which their children, ages 6 and 10, were allowed to walk home alone from a playground over a mile away from their house. “Slow down! Now, where are these ‘free-range’ kids?” said Jerry Sandusky.

12. 73-year-old presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is selling a bumper sticker that reads “Honk for a political revolution.” And, then in smaller print, “Or if I left my left blinker is on again.”

13. According to a new study, elderly men who exercise regularly may be less likely to die than those who live a sedentary lifestyle. Scientists determined this by looking up the definition of the word ‘exercise.’

14. According to a new study, elderly men who exercise regularly may be less likely to die than those who live a sedentary lifestyle. So, great news, that old guy in the gym locker room who refuses to cover up, he’s gonna be around for a long time.

15. A Seattle couple left nearly $850,000 to the U.S. government in their will. The couple is surviving by some pretty pissed off people.

16. WalMart is urging its meat suppliers to reduce their use of antibiotics. Said WalMart customers, “We’re already eating meat we bought at a WalMart, so really what’s the difference?”

17. The Dutch government on Friday agreed to introduce a ban on the wearing of the full-face veil, popular among Islamic women, in public places. Except for you Karen, you can keep wearing it.

February 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman in Mexico was arrested this week after being caught masturbating during a screening of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Said the woman, “I gave it two thumbs up, and the movie wasn’t bad either.”

2. Yesterday, Alaska became the third state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Said Alaskan officials, “The goal is to smoke enough weed to forget that we’re responsible for Sarah Palin.”

3. A team of researchers studying insects in Africa has named a newly discovered species of wasp with a distinctive yellow and black pattern after Boston Bruins goalie Tuuka Rask. Marking the first time an animal has been named after an athlete since they named the pin-striped weasel after A-Rod.

4. On Tuesday, a bill advanced through the Oklahoma state House of Representatives that would protect a parent’s right to take a child to conversion therapy aimed at eliminating same-sex attraction. Ironically, if the bill is successful, it will lead to Oklahoma being the state with the least entertaining versions of “Oklahoma!”

5. According to a new study, receiving counseling over the phone can help new mothers who are suffering from postpartum depression. Unless the have a flip-phone, then it’s only gonna add to the depression.

6. Singer Chris Brown said on Tuesday he was denied entry into Canada for scheduled concerts in Montreal and Toronto. That’s okay, but if those are the rules, you gotta take Bieber back.

7. The Brazilian judge residing over criminal proceedings against Eike Bautista, once Brazil’s richest man, was seen on Tuesday driving a Porsche belonging to the fallen tycoon that had been seized by the court. Said Bautista, “Wait, is that my robe?”

8. Yesterday, President Obama vetoed a Republican bill that was aimed at building the Keystone XL oil pipeline. Said Republicans, “Never thought we’d see the day we missed Bill Clinton, but at least that guy was always in favor of laying some pipe.”

9. President Obama will meet with Liberian President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf in Washington next week to get an update on the progress his government is making fighting Ebola in West Africa. Although, it seems like the smarter move would be to hear if they are making any progress before meeting with him.

10. NASCAR suspended 2004 Sprint Cup champion Kurt Busch indefinitely on Friday after a court found him guilty of domestic violence because, apparently, NASCAR doesn’t understand their target audience.

November 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The creators of the Lammily Doll, a realistic version of Barbie, are offering special sticker packs which allow kids to give the dolls acne, cellulite and tattoos. As a result, the makers of the Honey Boo Boo doll are suing for copyright infringement.

2. Yesterday, Oklahoma City Thunder forward and perennial All-Star Kevin Durant signed an endorsement deal with fast food chain Sonic. “Now you’re just trying to piss us off,” said Seattle basketball fans.

3. Over 80,000 people have signed a Change.org petition to have the TLC reality show “19 Kids and Counting” canceled in light of what the petition calls the Duggar family’s anti-gay stance. To show that they are gay friendly, TLC has launched a new show entitled “0 Kids and Antiquing.”

4. On Thursday, federal officials recalled 4.7 million strollers after reports of amputations. Which is ridiculous, because that’s when you’re gonna need a stroller the most.

5. Several students in Bangkok have been detained in recent days after flashing the signature anti-establishment, three-fingered salute from “The Hunger Games” to express their dissatisfaction with Thailand’s military rulers. Said the students, “Would you prefer one finger?”

6. According to the New York Post, GoDaddy is planning an initial public offering next year that would value the company at $4.5 billion. But, if company spokesperson Danica Patrick is any indication, they’ll be happy with $178 and a participation trophy.

7. According to a new study, rushing to put on a condom may lead to problems that raise the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Or, at least, that’s what I’m telling every girl from now on.

8. According to a new study, the most common age in America right now is 22. Which means Charles Manson could have done better.

9. Yesterday, San Francisco announced that it will bid for the 2024 Olympic Games. “That’s perfect, I won’t even have to travel,” said every male figure skater.

10. On Thursday, the NFL announced that the game between the Jets and the Bills will be moved from Buffalo to Detroit due to the snowstorm. The game will mark the first time in history that anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “I can’t wait to get back to Buffalo.”

11. The Niagara University women’s basketball team was stranded for 24 hours on a bus that was stuck on the highway during a massive winter snowstorm in western New York on Tuesday. Players said it was scary, but also educational because now they know how people feel when they come to one of their games.

12. A man in California is under arrest after he stabbed his potential employer during a job interview. But, in his defense, he did list “not stabbing people” as one of his weaknesses.

13. Justin Bieber will reportedly spend the next two weeks with a pastor learning how to spread the word of God. Which makes me seriously reconsider my stance on priests molesting boys.

14. Civil rights leader Al Sharpton sharply denounced a New York Times report that he is subject to $4.5 million in tax liens. And Sharpton has a pretty good point, because wouldn’t he need a job in order to be required to pay taxes?

15. A Florida woman and her daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital earlier this week. Or, as they refer to it in Florida, a normal Tuesday.

16. A 91-year-old woman in Poland was declared dead on November 6 and sent to a funeral home, only to wake up 11 hours later in cold storage. Unfortunately, the coroner died of a heart attack.

17. On Friday, the U.S. government said it is spending $425 million to build two super-computers, which would be the world’s fastest, for research into basic science as well as nuclear weapons. Experts believe it will take two whole months until they are both used primarily to look at pornography.

18. During a radio interview on Sunday, President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf said Liberia has set a national goal of having no new cases of Ebola by December 25. So, if you’re a Liberian Ebola patient, you may want to reconsider attending the “party” the government just invited you to on December 24.

19. Boy Band One Direction joined some of music’s biggest names on Saturday to record a new version of the Band Aid charity song to raise money to fight Ebola in Africa. So, if you thought you were bleeding from the ears before…

20. Justin Bieber has reportedly met with a Rabbi to explore Judaism. Said Jews, “Thanks, but no thanks, we don’t need to be be blamed for anything else.”

November 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. For Halloween, President Obama and the First Lady handed out a sugar cookie, kettle corn, jellybeans and an apple to all trick-or-treaters. Said tricks-or-treaters, “I hopped the White House fence for this?”

2. On Saturday night, embers from fireworks at Disney’s Magic Kingdom in Florida ignited a small fire on the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train ride. Or, as it will be known from now on, the Six Dwarfs Mine Train ride. RIP Dopey.

3. On Saturday, Dallas nurse Nina Pham, who left the hospital last week after being treated and cleared for Ebola, reunited with her dog Bentley for the first time since she was diagnosed. “Oh, hey,” said the dog, waving from a respectable distance.

4. After Apple’s CEO Tim Cook came out as gay last week, a member of Russian Parliament called for him to be banned from Russia for life. First you ban Pussy Riot, now you ban Cook, you’re sending mixed messages, Russia.

5. After getting into a fight over censorship that resulted in a six month absence, singer Rihanna started posting pictures to her Instagram account again over the weekend. “Yeah, she has a short memory,” said Chris Brown.

6. Two Kenyans won the male and female races at the New York City marathon on Sunday. They were able to stay ahead of the pack by telling their fellow racers they were from Ebola-stricken Liberia.

7. A new study has linked extreme snoring issues like sleep apnea to memory problems. Specifically, spouses of snorers have problems remembering what they saw in their significant others to begin with.

8. A new study suggests men who have never had sex are twice as likely to develop prostate cancer as men who have had sex. Which, I’m guessing, comes as bad news to the scientists who conducted the study.

9. Former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson said in a recent interview that he was sexually abused as a child. Or sensually amused, sometimes it’s hard to tell with him.

10. A suspect in an armed robbery of a Subway restaurant in Alabama told investigators he acted out of anger because of his failed “Subway diet.” But, on the plus-side, where he’s going there will be plenty of people offering him their foot-longs.

October 6, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a question and answer session at Harvard, Joe Biden said being Vice President can be “a bitch.” But if you ask me, that’s just Biden wanting to be President and trying to convince Hillary she’d be a better fit for VP.

2. Former Secret Service Chief Julia Pearson reportedly said that the agency needs to be more like Disney World when it comes to protecting the President. So I guess the new plan is to surround Obama with all the people who held the position before him, call it “the Hall of Presidents” and bore the intruders to death.

3. In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin said Ukraine has always been and would continue to be the closet sister nation to Russia. And just like a sister, Putin is insisting that they have the same name.

4. A new study has found that Viagra can cause blindness in 1 out of 50 men. And, depending on who you’re married to, that could also help with the problem.

5. On Saturday, U.S. disease-control agents removed a sick passenger from a United Airlines jet that landed in Newark, New Jersey, but federal health officials later ruled out the possibility of Ebola. Officials now believe that it was just normal naseau associated with arriving in New Jersey.

6. The National Football League will being testing for human growth hormone starting today. And, in related news, the NFL has been cancelled.

7. Last night, New England Patriot Tom Brady became only the sixth quarterback in NFL history to throw for over 50,000 career passing yards. Brady proves what you can do when you work hard, believe in yourself and play the Jets twice a year.

8. A beef processing plant in Texas has recalled over 90,000 pounds of ground beef after consumers complained about finding pieces of metal inside the meat. “If people start caring about what’s in their meat, we’re screwed,” said hotdog makers.

9. A new policy from the American Academy of Pediatrics advises that teenagers should use implanted forms of birth rather than the pill. The APP suggests using such implanted devices like a diaphragm, the NuvaRing or a mousetrap.

10. A Nebraska hospital is preparing for the expected arrival of an Ebola patient who contracted the disease in Liberia. They are preparing by locking all their doors and getting the hell out of town.

October 2, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Texas Governor Rick Perry said some school-age children may have come in contact with the first person diagnosed with Ebola in the U.S. So lets just hope, like Perry was in his school days, these students are slow at picking things up.

2. In a study of more than 3,000 people aged 57 to 85, 39 percent of subjects who failed a simple smelling test died within five years. So according to the pungent bouquet I was exposed to on my last trip on the G train, I’m gonna live forever.

3. Russian Scientists say they have discovered a fish with human-like teeth. Which, I’m guessing, in Russia means no teeth.

4. It is being reported that a private security contractor armed with a gun shared an elevator with President Obama a few weeks ago which is a clear violation of safety protocol. “I don’t see what the big deal is, that’s the only way I’ll ride in elevators now,” said Janay Rice.

5. Two days after he was sent home from a Dallas hospital, the man who is the first person to be diagnosed with Ebola in the U.S., was seen vomiting outside an apartment complex as he was rushed into an ambulance. What if this whole time, Lindsay Lohan just had Ebola?

6. United Airlines believes the man diagnosed with Ebola in Texas flew back from Africa on one of its planes on September 20th. So if you flew on that flight, no, United hasn’t found your lost bags, but there’s a chance you won’t be needing them anyway.

7. On Tuesday, the U.S. announced that it had reached a deal that will keep American troops in Afghanistan until at least 2014. Or, as it will be known by then, East Dakota.

8. Yesterday, KISS frontman Gene Simmons was photographed at LAX eating a piece of hamburger off the ground. So apparently that wasn’t paint on his face, it was dirt.

9. The University of California will designate gender-neutral restrooms at its 10 campuses to accommodate transgender students. The symbol on the door will be a picture of Bruce Jenner.

10. A 102-year-old Long Island woman celebrated her birthday over the weekend by going to White Castle. Or, as it was called while she was there, Grey Castle.

August 1, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NBA announced Thursday that it would be putting its social-media identifier, @NBA, on all game balls starting next season. This marks the first time a Twitter feed will appear on balls and not the other way around.

2. On Thursday, the NFL announced that it will place radio frequency transmitters in players’ shoulder pads to track their movements on the field and provide more accurate statistics. Said local police, “It would really help us out a lot if they wore them off the field as well.”

3. North Korea has opened a summer camp that caters to kids from all over the world and attempts to acquaint them with the isolated country. Which has led to the following camp letter: Hello Muddah, Hello Fuddah. Here I am at Camp Osaka. Camp is very self-containing. And they say we’ll have some fun when the Supreme Leader says we’re allowed to do so.

4. North Korea has opened a summer camp that caters to kids from all over the world and attempts to acquaint them with the isolated country. It’s just like a regular summer camp, but instead of capture the flag, you play capture the South Korean, instead of making lanyards in arts & crafts, you make Samsung Galaxy 5’s, and instead of creating treasured memories that will last a lifetime, you’re there until you die.

5. Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber got into a bar fight early Wednesday morning at a nightclub in Ibiza. Which is bad publicity for the actor and the singer, but even worse publicity for bar fights.

6. According to estimates, Beyonce and Jay-Z will make $84 million from their world tour. I’d hate to be the person who breaks that news to Solange.

7. Yesterday, CBS confirmed that production on “The Big Bang Theory’s” eighth season has been postponed due to “ongoing contract negotiations.””Whatever you do, don’t call him Chiam Levine, he hates that,” said Charlie Sheen.

8. An award-winning goat has gone missing from a Colorado county fair, leaving its owner and organizers stumped. Local authorities don’t expect foul play, but, just to be safe, they are questioning the chickens.

9. A German teen who lost his cell phone in a pond, tried to get it back by draining the water and pumping it into a nearby toilet, which caused major damage when the water flooded the tank and sent the waste spewing. I don’t want to tell anyone how to do their job, but German newspapers better use the headline “Angry Turds.”

10. A German teen who lost his cell phone in a pond, tried to get it back by draining the water and pumping it into a nearby toilet, which caused major damage when the water flooded the tank and sent the waste spewing. Or, as it is more commonly known in Germany, foreplay.

11. A Texas company is offering a unique send off for beloved pets by placing a portion of their cremated remains in a capsule and blasting them off into outer space. “It’s what Astro would have wanted,” said Elroy.

12. In an interview yesterday, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said she has no plans to retire despite calls from fellow liberals who want the 81-year-old to step down while Democratic President Barack Obama is still in office to appoint her successor. Said Ginsburg, “I make snap judgments about people I don’t know and wear a robe all day, I’m pretty sure I’m retired.”

13. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on Thursday issued a travel advisory against non-essential trips to Guinea, Liberia and Sierra Leone to curb the spread of the Ebola virus. So, if there’s a God, Justin Bieber’s upcoming concert in Liberia will be labeled essential.

14. Mike Rowe, host of the TV show “Dirty Jobs,” announced on Tuesday that he intends to run for County Judge in Lafayette, Arkansas. I’m not sure what’s more surprising, a celebrity giving up a lucrative television career to run for judge in Arkansas, or that they have judges in Arkansas.

15. Last week, the trailer for “50 Shades of Grey” premiered on “the Today Show.” But to make sure viewers didn’t get too excited, the trailer was introduced by Willard Scott.

16. A man in a Brazilian prison was caught trying to sneak two mobile phones, batteries, pliers, two drills and five nails in his rectum to an inmate. I don’t know what the punishment for his actions will be, but if he goes to prison I get the feeling he’s gonna be very popular there.

17. A western Pennsylvania couple, accusing of luring their five-year-old son into the trunk of their car with candy to resolve his fear of the dark, was granted probation last week. Although, if you had two lunatic parents you’d be scared too when it got dark and you couldn’t see where they were.

18. A California woman who spooked her small community by anonymously leaving porcelain dolls on the doorsteps of fellow churchgoers that eerily resembled their daughters told police she is embarrassed by the incidents. Proving that sometimes God makes you barren for a reason.