10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Comedian Adam Sandler topped Forbes’ list of Hollywood’s most overpaid actors for the second consecutive year. Luckily there’s still a lot of room on his trophy case for the award.

2. A new survey indicates about a third of 15-year-olds in the United Kingdom have blacked out due to alcohol, a rate that rises to nearly three-quarters by the time they reach 19. Although the number is expected to decline since Britain is not included in Bill Cosby’s upcoming tour.

3. United States officials said on Monday, the U.S. helped a Cuban spy imprisoned in California, artificially inseminate his wife back in Cuba. Said his wife, “Yeah, that’s how I got pregnant.”

4. A live version of the controversial film “The interview” will be staged on December 27th at a small 50-seat theater in midtown Manhattan. Or, as it will be known on December 28th, a smoldering crater.

5. It has been reported that Kanye West spent $74,000 on Christmas gifts for his daughter North West. Finally answering the question, how many pictures of Kanye West can you buy for $74,000?

6. According to sources, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told teams that are possible relocation candidates like the San Diego Chargers, Oakland Raiders and St. Louis Rams that a professional football team will not move to Los Angeles next season. Which also means that there won’t be professional football in Oakland next season as well.

7. Russian President Vladimir Putin said it is too early to decide whether he’ll run for re-election in 2018. Adding, “If everything goes according to plan, there won’t even be elections by then.”

8. The White House on Friday released a draft of its plan to rate U.S. colleges and tie federal aid to performance as a way to coax institutions into improving. And, in what can only be described as a bad sign, no one at the Arizona State University was able to read it.

9. Google is laying the groundwork for a version of Android that would be built directly into vehicles and allow drivers to enjoy the internet on the road. Bringing us ever closer to Google’s dream of us all dying in fiery car crashes.

10. During a speech on North Korea’s hacking of Sony Pictures, President Obama accidentally called James Franco, one of the stars of “The Interview,” James Flacco. Said an obviously stoned Seth Rogen, “Shit, I’ve been calling him the wrong name this whole time.”

December 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Comedian Adam Sandler topped Forbes’ list of Hollywood’s most overpaid actors for the second consecutive year. Luckily there’s still a lot of room on his trophy case for the award.

2. According to People magazine, director Tim Burton and actress Helena Bonham Carter have separated after 13 years together. No word on who will get custody of Johnny Depp.

3. In yet another reversal, Sony Pictures has decided to release the controversial film “The Interview” on Christmas Day, despite threats of reprisals from hackers. Said Sony, “We’re betting that people will rather spend their holiday weekend risking their lives to see a raunchy comedy in a theater than actually spend time with their families.”

4. For the first time since detailed records began being kept in 1992, undocumented immigrants from Central America outnumbered undocumented immigrants from Mexico. I don’t want to be picky here, but if we’re keeping detailed records, wouldn’t they be documented immigrants?

5. A Chinese man who stole hundreds of pieces of ladies’ underwear had his secret exposed after a drop ceiling where he had been storing his hoard collapsed. The most surprising part of that story is that a man in China could reach the ceiling.

6. On Tuesday, security forces in Honduras seized 2,852 wood sticks stuffed with cocaine paste in the Caribbean port of Puerto Cortes. Police became suspicious when the man was traveling with 2,852 wooden sticks.

7. A new survey indicates about a third of 15-year-olds in the United Kingdom have blacked out due to alcohol, a rate that rises to nearly three-quarters by the time they reach 19. Although the number is expected to decline since Britain is not included in Bill Cosby’s upcoming tour.

8. According to a FIFA official, England’s failed bid to host the 2018 World Cup “was by far the strongest contender.” But what’s more representative of British soccer than losing something they should have won?

9. According to a new report, more than half of food tested by the U.S. government for pesticide residue last year showed detectable levels of pesticides, but most were within levels the government considers to be non-harmful. Although, just to be safe, you should probably avoid Agent Orange Juice.

10. A newly released video shows the now-wife of NFL player Ray Rice being lovingly nuzzled by Rice shortly after he knocked her out cold in a casino elevator. Or, as it is known in boxing, a rope-a-dope.

December 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. United States officials said on Monday, the U.S. helped a Cuban spy imprisoned in California, artificially inseminate his wife back in Cuba. Said his wife, “Yeah, that’s how I got pregnant.”

2. A live version of the controversial film “The interview” will be staged on December 27th at a small 50-seat theater in midtown Manhattan. Or, as it will be known on December 28th, a smoldering crater.

3. Congressman Michael Grimm of New York is expected to plead guilty today to resolve federal tax fraud charges against him. Whereupon he will be promoted to Congressman Michael Grimm of New Jersey.

4. North Korea, at the center of a cyber confrontation with the U.S., is now experiencing widespread internet outages. I don’t know what’s more surprising, that the U.S. has the ability to affect the internet in North Korea or that there’s internet in North Korea.

5. A recent study found that eating fast found may lead to lower student test scores in math, science and reading, which ironically leads to a higher amount of students working at fast food restaurants.

6. A recent study found that eating fast found may lead to lower student test scores in math, science and reading. The study was conducted literally anywhere in the U.S., but most likely the South.

7. Protestors got close enough to Charles Michel, Belgium’s Prime Minister, on Monday to splatter him with the national dish of fries and gravy. And, in unrelated news, Chris Christie has officially declared his intentions to run for primer minister of Belgium.

8. The IRS is set to auction off the remaining value the New York Mets owe Daryl Strawberry on a six-year contract he signed almost 30 years ago, but failed to pay taxes on. Bidders may be able to get the remaining $1.28 million at a discount, but, on the down side, you’ll technically be on the Mets’ payroll.

9. According to reports, the U.S. has asked China to help battle North Korea’s hacking of American information systems. Said China, “No problem, first we’re gonna need all your passwords.”

10. It has been reported that Kanye West spent $74,000 on Christmas gifts for his daughter North West. Finally answering the question, how many pictures of Kanye West can you buy for $74,000?

December 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to sources, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told teams that are possible relocation candidates like the San Diego Chargers, Oakland Raiders and St. Louis Rams that a professional football team will not move to Los Angeles next season. Which also means that there won’t be professional football in Oakland next season as well.

2. Over the weekend, Elton John married his long time partner David Furnish in a ceremony that can only be described as a Republican’s nightmare.

3. Russian President Vladimir Putin said it is too early to decide whether he’ll run for re-election in 2018. Adding, “If everything goes according to plan, there won’t even be elections by then.”

4. Yesterday, Florida State University quarterback Jameis Winston was cleared in a student conduct code hearing looking into whether he sexually assaulted a female student two years ago. The committee made its decision once they realized there were still more football games to be played.

5. While giving a year-end news conference on Sunday, President Obama decided to only take questions from female reporters. Or, as it is more commonly known around those parts, pulling a Clinton.

6. The White House on Friday released a draft of its plan to rate U.S. colleges and tie federal aid to performance as a way to coax institutions into improving. And, in what can only be described as a bad sign, no one at the Arizona State University was able to read it.

7. Google is laying the groundwork for a version of Android that would be built directly into vehicles and allow drivers to enjoy the internet on the road. Bringing us ever closer to Google’s dream of us all dying in fiery car crashes.

8. Sony Pictures said on Friday that it is looking for alternative ways to release “The Interview” after it’s Christmas Day opening was canceled. May I suggest releasing it with intentionally inaccurate Korean subtitles.

9. During a speech on North Korea’s hacking of Sony Pictures, President Obama accidentally called James Franco, one of the stars of “The Interview,” James Flacco. Said an obviously stoned Seth Rogen, “Shit, I’ve been calling him the wrong name this whole time.”

10. According to leaked emails of executives of Sony Pictures, the comedy on “The Interview” is “desperately unfunny” and would have flopped overseas if it had not been canceled. Begging the question, why are you idiots still writing emails?

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday, Norman Bridwell, the creator of the “Clifford the Big Red Dog” children’s books, died at the age of 86. Or, as it was reported to kids, he went to go live on a farm upstate.

2. A technology company has released new vending machines that use facial recognition software to decide whether it will sell different foods to specific customers. And, the machine is programmed that if it recognizes Chris Christie’s face to play dead and just wait for the whole thing to be over.

3. Cuba Gooding Jr. has been cast as O.J. Simpson in an upcoming television miniseries. Nicole Brown Simpson, the woman O.J. allegedly murdered, will be played by Gooding’s career.

4. On Sunday night, Barbara Walters named Amal Clooney, George Clooney’s new wife, as her most fascinating person of 2014. So let that be a lesson to all you young ladies, if you’re an accomplished international human rights attorney who has fought for children in war zones and against terrorism, you’re only one marriage to a guy who pretends to be other guys for a living away from being interesting.

5. A U.S. federal appeals court ruled on Monday that pornographic movie actors in Los Angeles must wear condoms during sex scenes. Said porn stars, “We’re obviously upset about the ruling, but pretty stoked that you called us actors.”

6. A humanoid robot named Athena with a head, hands and feet boarded a flight bound for Germany from LAX on Monday, becoming what was billed as the first robot traveling as a paid passenger on an airline. So just making sure, bottle of water, dangerous, humanoid robot capable of independent thought with superhuman strength, good to go.

7. Under a law signed on Monday, it is now illegal in New York to tattoo or pierce your pet. It was the first bill ever introduced into the New York State Senate to begin with the words “Hey idiots.”

8. Last week, Texas Governor Rick Perry said that running for president isn’t an IQ test. Adding, “But don’t worry, even if it was, I have 20/20 vision.”

9. Over the weekend, an early version of the next James Bond movie “SPECTRE” was made public by the people who hacked into Sony Picture. Which is a shame, because the only other way to learn the basic plot of that movie would be to watch literally any other Bond film ever made.

10. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. Although, I just feel bad for the guy who is married to a woman whose wedding dress apparently also fits a horse.

December 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Residents in Southern California have complained about a medical marijuana dispensary’s Christmas display which features a pot-smoking Santa Claus. He goes into to other people’s home and eats their cookies, only works one day a year and is always jolly, yeah, that kinda makes sense.

2. Yesterday, a new trailer for a documentary about the Backstreet Boys was released. So you know what to do, North Korea, you know what to do.

3. GE plans to release its first feature film, a documentary about breakdancing, through video streaming devices like Roku and Apple TV. The movie is entitled “Breakin’ 2: General Electric Boogaloo.”

4. According to People magazine, “7th Heaven” star Stephen Collins has admitted to inappropriate sexual conduct with three women more than 20 years ago. Or, as Bill Cosby refers to it, a Tuesday.

5. Senator Marco Rubio said on Wednesday he would “make every effort” to block moves by President Obama towards normalizing relations with the Cuban government. In response, Cuban President Raul Castro asked Obama, “Do you have to deal with this a lot? You should really look into a dictatorship, it’s much easier.”

6. Yesterday, U.S. House Speaker John Boehner sharply criticized President Obama’s policy change toward Cuba, calling it “another in a long line of mindless concessions” to a brutal dictatorship. Proving that Boehner does at least know the word “concession.”

7. Mama June and Sugar Bear, from TLC’s “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” have reportedly been offered $1 million to make a sex tape. Or, for free, you can go to the zoo and watch the elephants bone.

8. Two of the top Google searches in 2014 were “Frozen” and “Ebola.” The most typed inquiry was “What’s harder to get out of your system, that song from ‘Frozen’ or Ebola?”

9. A copy of a vintage ET Atari video game extracted from a New Mexico landfill where hundreds of the cartridges we’re dumped after the game flopped in the 1980s has made its way to the Smithsonian Institute in Washington. Said a representative for the Smithsonian, “Yeah, we’re running out shit to put in here.”

10. According to a new study, people who feel younger tend to live longer. “Looks like I’m gonna live forever,” said Jerry Sandusky, mistaking the word “younger” for “youngster.”

11. Under a law signed on Monday, it is now illegal in New York to tattoo or pierce your pet. A practice that really tests the limits of how well your dog sits and stays.

12. Over the weekend, Sy Berger, the father of the modern baseball card, died at the age of 91. He was not in mint condition.

13. Over the weekend, Sy Berger, the father of the modern baseball card, died at the age of 91. Berger credited his long life to his mother not getting rid of him when he went off to college.

14. Jeb Bush says he plans to release 250,000 emails from his time as Florida’s governor as part of an e-book that he is writing while he decides whether to run for president. “Look, I didn’t read them when you sent them to me, I definitely not gonna read them in book form,” said W.

15. Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, facing suspension from the NFL for the rest of the season after being charged with beating his son, said on Saturday that he is considering retirement and a bid for the U.S. Olympic track team. And, if the other countries are smart, they’ll try to get Adrian Peterson Jr. on their track team because he has the most motivation to outrun him.

16. On Saturday, Richard Stockton College bought the shut-down Showboat Atlantic City Casino for $18 million with plans to turn it into a new branch campus. Although, considering the current job market, students probably would have gotten a better return on their tuition under the previous business model.

December 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The U.S. and Cuba agreed on Wednesday to restore diplomatic ties that Washington severed more than 50 years ago. A move experts are hailing as a giant step forward in foreign relations or the most elaborate Bay of Pigs ever.

2. Following President Obama’s foreign policy shift with regards to Cuba, the U.S announced plans to open an embassy in Havana. “Dibs” said John Boehner.

3. In a statement criticizing President Obama’s policy shift towards Cuba, potential 2016 presidential candidate Jeb Bush said the main beneficiaries “will be the heinous Castro brothers who have oppressed the Cuban people for decades. Adding, “Even we had the courtesy to give the country an eight year break with Obama.”

4. Secretary of State John Kerry met with released American aid worker Alan Gross shortly after he landed at Andrews Air Force Base from Cuba on Wednesday. The government chose Kerry to welcome Gross in an attempt to dissuade Cubans from coming to the America.

5. According to a new survey, most people get no advice from their doctors about whether or when it’s safe to have sex after a heart attack. Even more proof that Bill Cosby’s doctorate is purely honorary.

6. Sony Pictures pulled the theatrical release of its North Korea comedy “The Interview” after threats of retaliatory violence at theaters showing the film. But, on the plus-side, now we know how to prevent any new Adam Sandler movies.

7. Police in Oregon are looking for a serial flasher who was wearing nothing but a camouflaged baseball cap. A cap that apparently wasn’t doing its job.

8. After Monday night’s loss, where he was sacked seven times, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler gave a press conference attended by only one reporter. Luckily, after being hit that many times, Cutler saw multiple reporters.

9. A couple in New Zealand got trapped in their car when they left their keys outside and didn’t realize they could manually unlock it from the inside. And lord help us if they ever figure out how to reproduce.

10. Thousands of people sang “Happy Birthday” at mass on Wednesday to celebrate Pope Francis’s birthday. When asked what he wished for, the Pope said, “Screw world peace, daddy wants a Harley.”

December 17, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Norman Bridwell, the creator of the “Clifford the Big Red Dog” children’s books, died at the age of 86. Or, as it was reported to kids, he went to go live on a farm upstate.

2. Mama June and Sugar Bear, from TLC’s “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” have reportedly been offered $1 million to make a sex tape. If the couple accepts the offer, the resulting film will have to be shown in IMAX theaters.

3. A technology company has released new vending machines that use facial recognition software to decide whether it will sell different foods to specific customers. And, the machine is programmed that if it recognizes Chris Christie’s face to play dead and just wait for the whole thing to be over.

4. Yesterday, the group taking credit for the recent Sony Pictures hack threatened to unleash attacks at American theaters showing the upcoming Seth Rogen film “the Interview.” Said moviegoers, “Still can’t be a worse experience than when I went to see Rogen in ‘the Green Hornet.’”

5. The ruble plunged more than 11 percent against the dollar on Tuesday in its steepest fall since the Russian financial crisis in 1998. Things have gotten so bad that Russia is now begging Ukraine to invade Russia.

6. NASA’s Mars Curiosity rover found methane in the Martian atmosphere and organic chemicals in the planet’s soil, the latest hint that Mars was once suitable for life, much like Detroit.

7. On Tuesday, police in Alabama arrested a man after finding 14 grams of heroin hidden in his 2-year-old daughter’s diaper. Said the man, “Arrest her!”

8. Researchers say that older women often suffer from treatable urinary incontinence in silence. Adding, “And thank God for that.”

9. A White House task force on Tuesday issued proposals to tighten the grip on the illegal global seafood trade, which causes billions in losses to the legal fishing industry annually. Said a representative for the task force, “Something smells fishy.”

10. Yesterday, Vladimir Putin was named Russia’s Man of the Year for the fifteenth year in a row. Or, as Kim Jong Un calls it, a good start.

December 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cuba Gooding Jr. has been cast as O.J. Simpson in an upcoming television miniseries. Nicole Brown Simpson, the woman O.J. allegedly murdered, will be played by Gooding’s career.

2. Yesterday, Angalifu, a rare white rhino, died at a San Diego zoo, leaving only five white rhinos in the world and brining the species closer to extinction. Experts attribute the dwindling population to an increase in the global climate and mankind’s encroachment on the animal’s natural habitat, while Paula Deen blames it on black rhinos.

3. On Sunday night, Barbara Walters named Amal Clooney, George Clooney’s new wife, as her most fascinating person of 2014. So let that be a lesson to all you young ladies, if you’re an accomplished international human rights attorney who has fought for children in war zones and against terrorism, you’re only one marriage to a guy who pretends to be other guys for a living away from being interesting.

4. A U.S. federal appeals court ruled on Monday that pornographic movie actors in Los Angeles must wear condoms during sex scenes. Said porn stars, “We’re obviously upset about the ruling, but pretty stoked that you called us actors.”

5. A humanoid robot named Athena with a head, hands and feet boarded a flight bound for Germany from LAX on Monday, becoming what was billed as the first robot traveling as a paid passenger on an airline. So just making sure, bottle of water, dangerous, humanoid robot capable of independent thought with superhuman strength, good to go.

6. Under a law signed on Monday, it is now illegal in New York to tattoo or pierce your pet. It was the first bill ever introduced into the New York State Senate to begin with the words “Hey idiots.”

7. A nonprofit group in Seattle wants to become the world’s first organization to offer human composting as a service, in which dead people will be turned into nutrient-rich soil. “Sounds like a great plan,” said murderers.

8. Last week, the Utah Supreme Court ruled that a woman in the state will legally be allowed to marry her boyfriend who died years ago. Luckily the groom will also be her ‘something blue.’

9. Last week, Texas Governor Rick Perry said that running for president isn’t an IQ test. Adding, “But don’t worry, even if it was, I have 20/20 vision.”

10. According to a new study, for U.S. women age 55 or over, bone fractures due to osteoporosis lead to more hospitalizations than heart attacks, strokes or breast cancer. Osteoporosis, of course, being the star running back for the Cincinnati Bengals.

December 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, last week Pope Francis reportedly told a little boy who was grieving over the death of his dog, not to worry because pets too can go to heaven. So congratulations, you’re halfway there, gay dogs.

2. Last night, Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant passed Michael Jordan to become third on the NBA’s list of all-time leading scorers. It marked the first time Kobe passed anything.

3. On Saturday night, Oregon’s Marcus Mariota won the 78th annual Heisman Trophy award. Congratulations Marcus, that’s something they can never take away from you, unless you murder your wife and her lover in a mansion in Brentwood.

4. Two of the three inmates who escaped from an Alabama jail over the weekend are now back in custody, but the third, a murder suspect, remains on the lam. Officials do not have high hopes of capturing the third escapee as an alleged murderer will blend in quite nicely with the general population of Alabama.

5. On Sunday in London, Miss South Africa Relene Strauss was crowned Miss World over runner-ups Miss Hungary Edina Kuksar and Elizabeth Safrit from the United States. Although there was an awkward moment when they announced Miss Hungary as the first runner-up and the representatives from all the African countries stepped forward.

6. On Sunday, BC Partners Ltd bought pet supply retailer PetSmart for $8.7 billion. To prevent any unauthorized future spin-offs, BC Partners immediately got PetSmart neutered.

7. Several proposed new gun laws await the new, Republican-dominated Texas legislature when it opens next month, including one to allow open carrying of handguns in public and another providing a sales tax holiday for firearm purchases. Said Texans, “Next month? But I want to be irresponsible with my gun now!”

8. Over the weekend, an early version of the next James Bond movie “SPECTRE” was made public by the people who hacked into Sony Picture. Which is a shame, because the only other way to learn the basic plot of that movie would be to watch literally any other Bond film ever made.

9. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. Although, I just feel bad for the guy who is married to a woman whose wedding dress apparently also fits a horse.

10. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. “Brings back fond memories of my wedding day,” said Matthew Broderick.