June 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new pornography website is promising to donate one penny every time someone watches one of its videos online. And, in related news, we’ve solved world hunger.

2. Donald Trump’s former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski has lost a $1.2 million book deal from HarperColllins. The publisher decided to pull the deal once it realized that Trump supporters don’t read books.

3. Due to budget shortfalls in Brazil ahead of the Olympic Games, the police department staged a protest at Rio’s airport with a sign reading, “Welcome to Hell.” Said the delegation arriving from Syria, “Well, that’s still an improvement for us.”

4. It is being reported that presidential candidate Donald Trump has asked retired coach Bobby Knight to speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention. So this time Clint Eastwood will talk to a chair and then Bobby Knight will rough it up.

5. According to a new survey, over 80% of U.S. women groom their pubic hair. Which seems low, because if this election season proved anything it’s that people aren’t big fans of Bush.

6. Yesterday, a jury found that a western Wisconsin man did not molest his co-worker’s dog. Said the man, “Look, I’m not the one who taught him to beg and rollover.”

7. Brexit beat porn as the most popular Google search term last week. Begging the question, why’s it got to be an either/or thing?:
busty

8. According to a new report, Charles Manson’s ex-fiancee agreed to marry him as part of a wild scheme to profit by putting his body on public display after his death. The wildest part is the person who agreed to marry Charles Manson thought she was gonna outlive him.

9. According to a new study, smoking may damage a man’s sperm count. Counterpoint:
federline

10. A French soccer fan was arrested for hiding a flare in his ass and burning himself. Ironically, the best way to recreate that feeling is to go to prison.

June 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, President Obama designated the Stonewall Inn in New York City as the country’s first national LGBT monument. Making it the eleventh national monument that J. Edgar Hoover wore a dress in.

2. Apartment-sharing startup Airbnb is in talks for a new round of funding that would value the company at $30 billion. “I wish I was able to monetize people waking up in strangers’ beds,” said Bill Cosby.

3. Former rap producer Suge Knight sued singer Chris Brown on Monday in connection with a shooting at a Hollywood nightclub in 2014 that left him wounded. Although, that doesn’t sound like the work of Brown considering Knight is a guy.

4. When asked by an Irish minister if she was well, 90-year-old Queen Elizabeth replied, “Well, I’m still alive. “Well, tomorrow’s another day,” said Prince Charles.

5. On Tuesday, the Columbus International Airport was officially named after astronaut John Glenn. Not surprising that they named the airport after an astronaut, because when you find yourself in Columbus, your instinct is to get as far away as humanly possible.

6. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will appear as a hero in an upcoming Marvel comic book. Because, apparently, Marvel didn’t learn its lesson regarding Canadians playing superheroes after Ryan Reynolds’ turn “Green Lantern.”

7. According to reports, Tetris, the 1980s video game about stacking blocks, is being made into not one, but three films. Apparently, justing making one film left too many open questions, like “Why did you make this?” and “How did this happen?”

8. According to reports, Tetris, the 1980s video game about stacking blocks, is being made into not one, but three films. The news was met with many angry birds:
middle finger

9. An artist in Arkansas is selling a life-sized dummy of presidential candidate Donald Trump for $895. The doll has a feathered wig and an orange-painted face, in other words, it’s extremely lifelike.

10. According to the Washington Post, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has only donated $10,000 to charity in the past ten years. Although, to be fair, giving jobs to Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman should count as charity.

June 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is Mel Brooks’ 90th birthday. Or, as it is more commonly known, Jewish Christmas, the day our messiah was born.

2. Burger King has introduced a new menu item called Mac & Cheetos which is macaroni and cheese covered in Cheetos dust and deep fried. Which, coincidentally, is what Donald Trump tells his make-up girl to do to his face every morning.

3. Roy Hodgson, English soccer’s head coach, resigned on Monday following the country’s 2-1 Euro 2016 loss to Iceland. “What a baby, resigning just because something didn’t go his way,” said David Cameron.

4. For the fifth time in the past four years the A/C unit was stolen from a black history museum in St. Louis. But, in the thief’s defense, he claims he was just emancipating it.

5. A man named Ronald McDonald was shot outside of a Sonic restaurant in North Carolina last week. Said the man, “This is my nightmare.”

6. In a new interview, comedian Chelsea Handler revealed that she had two abortions when she was 16. Back then, ‘Chelsea Lately’ refer to her period.

7. British Prime Minister David Cameron resigned after England voted to leave the European Union. “Resign? Is that even allowed?” ask Queen Elizabeth.

8. On Friday, following the Brexit vote, actress Lindsay Lohan, who has taken up residence in London for a play, sent 31 tweets in two hours panning England’s decision to leave the E.U. and close off its borders. Although, I have to believe Lindsay immigrating and living in London had something to do with that vote.

9. A businessman in Geneva plans to open a café where customers can enjoy oral sex while they sip their morning coffee. Say what you will, but they will never run out of creamer.

10. A Pennsylvania man who claimed for years to have escaped from Auschwitz, met track and field star Jesse Owens and Nazi doctor Josef Mengele, confessed on Friday that he had fabricated the entire story. Who knew Brian Williams was from Pennsylvania?

June 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, England voted to leave the European Union throwing the entire global economy into turmoil. Things are so uncertain that Queen Elizabeth was forced to get a job:
drive thru

2. In a recent interview, Bernie Sanders said he will vote for Hillary Clinton in November’s presidential election. Well, she has always down well with older voters.

3. A new report claims that China is still engaged in the widespread and systematic harvesting of donor organs from prisoners. My gut tells me that’s wrong, but my new liver tells me to murder.

4. Cavs fans are buying championship merchandise at a record pace in the wake of the Cavaliers winning Cleveland’s first championship in fifty years. Which makes sense, because before that, in order to get a Cavs championship t-shirt you had to live in Africa.

5. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump predicted on Friday that his campaign would raise a “staggering” amount of money this summer. And, to be fair, he is great at fundraising, as long as you consider getting a loan from your father as fundraising.

6. Last week, police in New York City discovered a heroin operation hidden behind a door disguised as a shelf in a candy shop. And it was a great cover because no one ever questioned why Phillip Seymour Hoffman was visiting a candy shop three to four times a day.

7. According to a new study, children that are obese are likely to become obese adults. “I wouldn’t bet on it,” said heart disease.

8. Last week, an Orthodox Rabbi competed on NBC’s “American Ninja Warrior.” It is the first time a clergyman has appeared on an NBC reality show since the most recent episode of “To Catch a Predator.”

9. While shooting an episode of his CNBC show, comedian Jay Leno crashed a 2,500-horsepower car. I could have told you that was a terrible idea, giving Jay Leno another TV show.

10. Last week, in a landmark ruling, the Oregon State Supreme Court found that dogs are not mere property but are “sentient beings.” So, remember, that’s not your property but a sentient being licking his own nuts in your hallway.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. McDonald’s is set to take over Oprah’s old production studio in Chicago. Apparently there were so many old McDonald’s wrappers lying around that it was cheaper to make it into a restaurant than clean it up.

2. A DVD that was supposed to be a graduation video given to all 6th graders at an Israeli elementary school turned out to be a porno instead. So, no need for a bar-mitzah, you’re a man today.

3. A woman in the U.K., trying to sell her sofa online, accidentally included a nude picture of herself in the posting. Begging the question, what if Kim Kardashian has just been trying to sell us an ottoman this whole time?

4. Firefighters in Alabama had to be called to rescue a 15-year-old girl after she got her head stuck in a Barney the dinosaur costume. And even though this story involves a dinosaur it makes me believe in evolution a little less.

5. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ women in Saudi Arabia use bumper cars at amusement parks to practice driving. While men in Saudi Arabia use that game where you throw a baseball at a pyramid of bottles to practice stoning women to death for driving.

6. A “Golden Girls” themed restaurant is set to open in New York City. That story again, a morgue in Manhattan will start serving brunch.

7. Despite Hillary Clinton clinching the Democratic nomination, Bernie Sanders is still getting protection from the Secret Service which is costing the American taxpayer $38,000 a day. As a compromise, the government is taking away the 74-year-old’s Secret Service detail and replacing it with a Life Alert bracelet.

8. Tuesday afternoon, Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders walked into a Senate Republican lunch meeting in the Capitol by mistake. Even more embarrassing, it was 2 p.m. and he was looking for dinner.

9. On Monday, Tesla CEO Elon Musk revealed the new Model S car is also a boat. “I’ve heard that one before,” said Mary Jo Kopechne.

10. Last week, House Speaker Paul Ryan said he’d be willing to sue any president who “exceeds his or her powers.” Although he may not have meant it, I’m pretty sure wildly threatening to sue people counts as a Trump endorsement.

June 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, CNN hired recently-fired Donald Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. And, to really fuck with Trump, CNN also hired Marla and Ivana.

2. Music stars Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Paul McCartney, Sting, Barbra Streisand, Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, Lady Gaga and Yoko Ono are teaming up to pressure Congress to pass stricter gun laws. Or, in Yoko Ono’s case, at least a gun with a wider shooting radius.

3. McDonald’s is set to take over Oprah’s old production studio in Chicago. Apparently there were so many old McDonald’s wrappers lying around that it was cheaper to make it into a restaurant than clean it up.

4. A DVD that was supposed to be a graduation video given to all 6th graders at an Israeli elementary school turned out to be a porno instead. So, no need for a bar-mitzah, you’re a man today.

5. Police in Utah have a new K-9 officer trained to sniff out devices that could contain child pornography. Here’s a look at how the dog was trained:
dog attack

6. In a recent interview, actor Will Smith said he regrets wanting to be the world’s biggest movie star. While DJ Jazzy Jeff regrets paying extra for guac at Chipotle.

7. A new study finds that married couples who divide up the housework evenly have better sex lives. “Does it make a difference if I call them chores and give her an allowance?” said Woody Allen.

8. A man in Australia man has promised to eat the worst Subway sandwich that commentators on the internet can think up. Which, I’m pretty sure, is Quizno’s business model.

9. A magician in the U.K. was taken to the hospital after losing a massive amount of blood during an onstage performance in which he tried to pull a playing card out of his nose. And if nose-bleeds count as magic then Charlie Sheen is fucking Houdini.

10. A woman in the U.K., trying to sell her sofa online, accidentally included a nude picture of herself in the posting. Begging the question, what if Kim Kardashian has just been trying to sell us an ottoman this whole time?

11. A jaguar featured at an Olympic torch ceremony in Brazil on Monday was shot dead after it escaped from its handlers. But, on the plus side, the guy carrying the torch ran so fast that he qualified for the 100 meter dash.

12. On Tuesday, Queen Elizabeth sent a tweet for only the second time since she joined Twitter in 2014. Even stranger, the tweet was bad-mouthing the new all-female “Ghostbusters.”

13. Firefighters in Alabama had to be called to rescue a 15-year-old girl after she got her head stuck in a Barney the dinosaur costume. And even though this story involves a dinosaur it makes me believe in evolution a little less.

14. On Tuesday, ‘The Wall Street Journal’ reported that the upcoming Apple iPhone 7 will be almost identical to the iPhone 6. “I need it!” said iPhone 6 users.

15. According to a new report, tracing one’s family history is the second most common hobby in the U.S. behind gardening. Although, if you’re a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings, those are one in the same.

16. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. So, if you like lobster and you have $9 you probably shouldn’t order lobster.

17. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. Not to be outdone, Burger King will just give you food poisoning.

18. In a recent interview, actor Charlie Sheen claimed that Donald Trump gave him fake diamond and platinum cuff links. But, in Trump’s defense, he didn’t think Sheen would be around long enough to figure it out.

19. A “Golden Girls” themed restaurant is set to open in New York City. And here’s a picture from the grand opening:
diner

20. Alabama county officials refused to lower flags to half-staff to honor the victims of the Orlando mass shooting even after orders from President Obama and Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. Which falls in line with Alabama’s state motto, “On the wrong side of history since 1876.”
 
21. According to reports, famed Hollywood director Steven Spielberg is in talks to remake “West Side Story.” This time, my money’s on the Sharks:
jaws

22. A high school senior in Montana is staging a protest after her school demanded that she wear a bra. Said her fellow-male-protestors, “You know what I think will convince the school, jumping jacks, lots and lots of jumping jacks.”

23. Over the weekend, police in New Jersey arrested a woman after she allegedly stole 95 cents from a mall water fountain. And, just to be extra dicks about it, they set her bail at 96 cents.

24. Seven major companies are pulling out of sponsoring the Republican National Convention where Donald Trump will officially get the GOP presidential nomination. So don’t be surprised if this year’s RNC is brought to you by Chico’s Bail Bonds.

25. During a speech at a campaign rally over the weekend, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he feels like a supermodel. Which, I assume means, he starting to creep himself out.

June 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, 1 out of 3 British men can’t see their own penis. “So, if you think about it, I was actually performing a community service,” said George Michael.

2. Concerned Wall Streeters are warning Hillary Clinton that if she picks notoriously anti-big bank Senator Elizabeth Warren as her running-mate that large donations from the financial industry will vanish. And, of course, the quickest way to get those donations to disappear is to send them to Hillary in an email containing the word “Benghazi.”

3. A man in the U.K. was caught masturbating with an eggplant on a city bus. And, even more embarrassing for the man, no one was confused by which one was the eggplant.

4. Yesterday, Speaker of the house Paul Ryan responded to Democrats staging a sit in on the floor of the House of Representatives to protest the lack of action on gun control by demanding that all cameras in the chambers be shut off. A policy that Ryan probably should have adopted much earlier:
paul ryan

5. In a new interview, Democrat Bernie Sanders said “It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” So it looks like Bernie is going with the new campaign strategy of pity, which explains his new slogan:
bernie sign

6. Researchers in the Netherlands have discovered that birds are able to grasp the basics of grammar. Although, it’s taking this bird a really fucking long time to do so:
big bird

7. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ women in Saudi Arabia use bumper cars at amusement parks to practice driving. While men in Saudi Arabia use that game where you throw a baseball at a pyramid of bottles to practice stoning women to death for driving.

8. This week, a woman in Texas woke up from surgery with an English accent. Okay, but what’s Madonna’s excuse?

9. A professor in Britain is predicting that in the future the rich will hunt humans for sport. So maybe Dick Cheney and George Zimmerman were just ahead of their time.

10. In a recent interview, actor Will Smith said he regrets wanting to be the world’s biggest movie star. “You’re in movies?” said Oscar voters.

June 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A “Golden Girls” themed restaurant is set to open in New York City. That story again, a morgue in Manhattan will start serving brunch.

2. According to reports, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign only has $1.3 million in cash on hand. But, on the plus side, it looks like a lot more than that in his tiny little hands.

3. Last week, a former Donald Trump political adviser said he thinks Trump would drop out of the presidential race if someone offered him $150 million. “You’d be surprised what a person will agree to do for that kind of money,” said Melania.

4. Despite Hillary Clinton clinching the Democratic nomination, Bernie Sanders is still getting protection from the Secret Service which is costing the American taxpayer $38,000 a day. As a compromise, the government is taking away the 74-year-old’s Secret Service detail and replacing it with a Life Alert bracelet.

5. Australia’s consumer watchdog on Tuesday sued the Kraft Heinz Company alleging it falsely advertised the ingredients in its Little Kids Shredz line of food for children. Begging the question, did your baby eat a dingo?

6. Yesterday was International Yoga Day. My neighbor’s wife celebrated by wearing yoga pants everyday for the past year.

7. Tuesday afternoon, Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders walked into a Senate Republican lunch meeting in the Capitol by mistake. Even more embarrassing, it was 2 p.m. and he was looking for dinner.

8. The Australian Olympic Committee is demanding that Brazil increase its security ahead of this summer’s Olympic Games after one of its Paralympic athletes was mugged at gunpoint in Rio over the weekend. Well, he’s a Paralympic athlete now.

9. On Monday, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reveled the new Model S car is also a boat. “I’ve heard that one before,” said Mary Jo Kopechne.

10. Packer, a chihuahua rescued from a trash compactor in Maryland, has found a new home. Although, it isn’t all good news for Packer, he used to be a German Shepard.

June 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Sunday night, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors to win the NBA Finals and end a 51-year championship drought in Cleveland. A victory that, come next month when the GOP holds their convention in Cleveland, Donald Trump will somehow take credit for.

2. According to a new report, genealogy websites are the second most popular websites online, right behind pornography sites. Although, in West Virginia there’s no delineation between the two.

3. Today is National Make Music Day. So, please, no one tell Kesha.

4. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump fired embattled campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. As a result of his firing, Lewandowski will have a hard time explaining the gap in his employment history to any prospective employer and an even harder time explaining his actual employment.

5. Yesterday, the Democratic Republic of Congo declared a yellow fever epidemic after confirming 67 cases of the disease. And, in related news, the International Olympic Committee has awarded the 2020 Games to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

6. Yesterday was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. “Welcome to my everyday,” said the co-worker who sits next to Brenda in accounting.

7. Six Flags is looking into opening a theme park in Saudi Arabia. Just in case living in Saudi Arabia wasn’t thrilling enough for you.

8. Last week, during a show at the Oregon Zoo, a lion got a part of his tail accidentally cut off while a crowd of children looked on. Said a 6-year-old Jewish boy in the audience, “I’ve been there.”

9. Wildlife officials say a bear attacked a woman running a marathon in a national preserve in New Mexico. But, in the bear’s defense, the woman wouldn’t shut up about how she was running a marathon.

10. In the wake of her viral video, toy maker Hasbro has created a Chewbacca Mom action figure. It is expected to sell better than their 2 Girls 1 Cup and Ball game.

June 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors winning the NBA Finals and ending the city’s record 51-year championship drought. And yet, even though they won, somehow the streets of Cleveland this morning still look like people rioted after a loss.

2. Last night, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors winning the NBA Finals and ending the city’s record 51-year championship drought. “Is that even allowed?” said the Browns.

3. Last week, a jury awards $22 million to an Ohio man who was locked in closet by Cleveland police for four days. Which can only mean one thing, John Travolta is gonna get billions.

4. O.J. Simpson is reportedly open to taking a DNA test to see if Khloe Kardashian is his daughter. Although, I don’t think O.J. is completely necessary here, I’m pretty sure we can get a sample of his blood without his involvement.

5. Microsoft is working on software for the legal marijuana business. Which is weird because, as any pothead who can’t find his bong will tell you, in a pinch, you can always use an Apple.

6. Last week, House Speaker Paul Ryan said he’d be willing to sue any president who “exceeds his or her powers.” Although he may not have meant it, I’m pretty sure wildly threatening to sue people counts as a Trump endorsement.

7. On Saturday, Paul McCartney turned 74 years-old. McCartney threw a small party that ended early after Yoko Ono broke it up.

8. On Friday, a Colorado mother fought off a mountain lion that had attacked her son. Authorities are calling her “courageous” while the mother of the boy who fell into the gorilla zoo enclosure is calling her “a show off.”

9. At a recent campaign rally, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump asked the crowd who they thought he should pick as his running mate. Begging the question, can the song Free Bird hold elected office?

10. Seven major companies are pulling out of sponsoring the Republican National Convention where Donald Trump will officially get the GOP presidential nomination. While other major companies have decided to stay onboard but tweak their slogans accordingly, for instance:
-“You’re in good hands with Allstate” is now “You’re in good tiny hands with Allstate”
– “American Express, don’t leave home without it” is now “American Express, just don’t leave home”
-AT&T’s “Reach out and touch someone” is now “Reach out and punch someone”
-Budweiser’s “The king of beers” is now “The dictator of beers”
-UPS’s “What can Brown do for you?” is now “What can Brown do for you? It can get out of this country”
-Kay Jewelers’ “Every kiss beings with K” is now ‘Every kiss begins with K K K”
-Lucky Charms’ “They’re magically delicious” is now “They’re magically malicious”
-Sprite’s “Obey your thirst” is now “Obey your worst”
-Taco Bell’s “Head for the border” remains “Head for the border”
-Taco Bell’s “Yo quiero Taco Bell” is now “Speak English!”
-“The one. The only. Tampax.” is now “Ewwwwwwwwww”